Double Standards at Home.

Shawnn - posted on 11/08/2012

Been married 22+ years. we've always shared chores, caregiving, shopping, and all other duties! We never discussed it, we've just always done it.



But then again, we've always worked together too. We started out at a sandwich shop together, been thru several restaurants, auto dealerships, etc. We're a team in every sense of the word.

Jeannie - posted on 11/08/2012

I have been happily married for 6 years and we have been together for 7 total. He is very supportive and he helps me every morning get our children ready for school. He occasionally does the laundry (just wash and dry with no folding), he helps with the dishes when I ask him to help, he walks the doggies at night,he helps me with my business, and most of the time goes shopping with me. He is 100% man with the bonus of being a progressive and thoughtful partner. I do a lot of the housework because I am most ways get paid to do it. He usually will give me money to buy what I really want or he will get it for me. For instance, this iPad 2 , my new food processor, and other things are my payment for doing the housework. He could pay for a house keeper but, then he would not have the money to buy me lovely things or take me out to dinner. He is a very diligent father and loves spending time with his daughter. The only complaint I have really is that he spends less with his step son. However, that is a complicated relationship because the biological father puts kernels of disrespect and distrust into his son's mind. I am very thankful for my husband even with some of the flaws that make him irritating. It takes time and effort to communicate together your needs to your partner. They will never be perfect! We are not perfect either... So, with all that in mind write down what you would like to say and the chores you would like him to do. If he loves and respects you, he will try to meet you at least half way.

Karla - posted on 03/10/2012

My husband helps. I learned some time ago that many men just don't think of offering to help, you have to ask them each and every time. I don't mind this; he almost always gets up to help when I ask.



Many times when our kids were young he would occupy them while I cooked, and that got lonely sometimes, but it was also helpful.

Johnny - posted on 03/10/2012

"we are CAPABLE to do all that and MORE,.. men are not, they would be helpless without us, "



PLEASE tell me that you are joking. If the men you are around or are married to are that incompetent, you either aren't giving them the benefit of the doubt and placing expectations upon them or you are surrounded by a bunch of moronic losers.



The two closest men in my life, my father and my husband, are both more than capable of cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry and could run the household if their female partners were absent. Both of my BIL's are the same, as is my niece's husband and those of almost all of my friends.



I had to work on Thursday and my daughter was sick. My husband was able to take the day off (his benefits are better than mine) and stay home to look after her. When I got home, the house had been vacuumed, the bathroom cleaned, two loads of laundry had been done and dinner was almost ready.



We are a team. I would never marry a man whom I didn't think was capable.

Ash - posted on 03/10/2012

lol, yeah but you left somthing out, we are CAPABLE to do all that and MORE,.. men are not, they would be helpless without us, most of them anyway... I'm not the best homemaker, I keep the house 'decent' and I make new recipes often but I get very little help from my husband, he irons his clothes, cleans the yard and will do the dishes once or twice a year haha.. I wouldn't complain though, he's great.. When I'm sick or have a migraine he will take care of everything to the best of his abilities ;)



Also, his mmother is like a stepford wife and had his house spotless, cooks delish and is just he best but he still never compares and never complains about my homemaking which is awesome

Jodi - posted on 03/07/2012

I had a full day at Uni the other day and hubby had the day off. We had one sick kid, and the other had Moderation Day off school, so hubby stayed home. I got home at 6pm, and the floors were vaccuumed, lounge cleaned up, dishes done and benches sparkling, the grass had been mowed and garden tidied, floors swept and mopped, one child was in the bath, the other had already showered, and things were ready to go with dinner. Oh, and there were two loads of washing on the clothes line.



No double standards in this house!!! Yes, I am home more than my hubby is, so I do tend to do more of the household chores, but my husband helps out when he gets home if there are still things that need to be done. On his days off, he helps with a lot too.



My ex, on the other hand, was useless as two tits on a bull. One of the last straws with him was when he told me I was the woman so I should be the one doing all the housework. Um, fuckhead, then why am I ALSO the one out working my butt off and earning most the goddamn money? Loser.

September - posted on 03/07/2012

Personally I work because I enjoy what I do, it allows us to meet our needs comfortably as well as our wants and I have kick ass benefits for my family! Being a homemaker is wonderful, I did it for a while myself, and it’s just not for everyone that's all.

Stifler's - posted on 03/07/2012

Damian sometimes surprises me when I'm like ohh I am sick of cooking he will get up and make tacos or something so I don't have to

Desiree - posted on 03/07/2012

My Husband has learnt the very hard way that if I have to ask too many times to get something done, tiling, hanging of a picture or whatever else it may be. I will do it myself. Now If I ask him for a hammer or drill or anything else of that nature he gets up and deals with it because his wife will teach herself to do it and it will be at the expense of the walls or whatever it is I need to sort out. Cooking not a problem Mondays and Wednesday he does it. Tuesdays we eat at my dads Saturdays the Children cook. Friday is fend for your self day so the leaves me with Thursdays and Sundays. So I think I got it pretty well in hand.

Stifler's - posted on 03/07/2012

And being a homemaker isn't a priveledge for me. It's more like a gaol sentence and if I go back to work I'd have even less money. It's a cache 22.

Stifler's - posted on 03/06/2012

My husband is a bit like that too Marina, I have to push him to get ready so we are on time and he dawdles and doesn't really help get the kids ready he just expects to be able to put them in the car and go.

Stifler's - posted on 03/06/2012

I don't agree with the sentiment that as long as he works and provides he's a good man. I know many men who are abusive and lazy who also work and provide.



I strive for equal but it doesn't always work out when he makes good money (money I'm unable to make) so I stay home with the kids. He isn't here for house cleaning, bathing kids, making dinner unless we ate at 8pm every night and we need to be in bed early because he starts work early in the morning.



However he has his chores around the house, it's not all my job. Mowing the lawn, fixing things, taking the bin to the kerb, helping fold washing when I ask, unstacking the dishwasher on Sunday, getting up to the kids during the night saturday night and sunday morning is his job. On his days off I expect him to be 50/50 parenting our kids. The main thing for me is that he is there for our kids equally, reads them stories, changes nappies etc. I can do housework in the 12 hours he's gone during the day.

Jodi - posted on 03/06/2012

Janice, I keep joking that I can live without my appendix AND my tonsils...if he ever forgets what that week was like!!! lol

Janice - posted on 03/06/2012

Hmmm Jodi, maybe I need to have another surgery. ;p

Jodi - posted on 03/06/2012

There is no reason why, after being home all day with our 3 children, teaching them, playing with them, cleaning up after them, cooking for them, not getting one millisecond to myself, that when my husband comes home he can't share the responsibility. After the kids are fed, bathed and in bed, I'll be damned if I'm going to fold laundry, pick up, sweep, do the dishes and everything else just because he "went to work" all day. He gets to clock out when I do, when everything is done, then we're done. Thankfully, my husband is very helpful and understands this concept! I almost divorced because I was drowning under piles of laundry, screaimng children who weren't learning anything because mommy was trying to raise them in something other than a pig pen. Marriage counseling did not work. I had surgery...and a week of being home did it. He is very helpful now. I'm happier, he's happier, the kids are happier, the house is clean, life is good.

Brittney - posted on 03/06/2012

I don't buy things for myself, I just don't feel the need to. I buy my daughter new books and underwear but I don't need anything. Just the occasional hot bath.

Mother - posted on 03/06/2012

"Being a homemaker is a wonderful privilege..."



--Ummmmm.....only if the woman CHOOSES to....otherwise it can feel like a gawd damn prison!! I personally like my OWN money. So if there is something I really want, I can go and get it without any feelings of guilt. Why, because I DESERVE it.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/06/2012

And some of us are just not equip to stay home all day, everyday... I know I am not. I did it for the first 18 months of my daughter and the first 13 months with my son (well he started Daycare at 10 months but I was still home - he had to transition before I could feel comfortable going to back to work) Kudos to those that can. I cannot. I still love my kids just as much as the next person, including those that stay home. I just have firm beliefs that teaching my children that you must work for things you need and/or want is important as a woman and as a man.



I worked my arse off at school so I could have the career I have and love today. I am not willing nor do I believe I should give that up just because I had children. What if something happened between my husband and I? Or he died for whatever reason? Then what? I would have nothing but a minimum hour job. That isn't going to keep my kids warm and fed.... I believe in both sides having resources they can independantly fall on if ever needed.

Johnny - posted on 03/06/2012

To pay the bills!?!?! For many of us, we do not have the advantage of being able to support our families on one income. When I was on maternity leave, at 55% of my income, it was a struggle to cover the basics, let alone put aside any savings. Many GOOD MEN nowadays simply do not make enough money in their jobs to support a family on their own. Perhaps 30 years ago, or where you live, this was possible. But that is not the case now in many locations. Not to mention, many women love their jobs and do not want to be full-time homemakers.

Julie - posted on 03/06/2012

Um, if he has a job, why are you working also?



Being a homemaker is a wonderful privilege...



I was widowed at age 27 - raised 5 alone ... would've given anything to have a GOOD MAN to provide for us!

September - posted on 03/01/2012

Thanks Kelly :) I feel very lucky to have such an amazing hubby!

Jaime - posted on 03/01/2012

my husband is great and very helpful but he is lazy and forgetful too. i have given up asking him to take out the trash. i have trained him to throw the trash away, but he refuses to remember to take it out on Tuesday mornings. oh well.



i'm in the process of training him to do his own laundry. i do mine and Julie's, but i leave his where he throws it because i tell him to throw it in the hamper and he doesn't. so if he's not going to make sure it makes it to the dirty hamper, i'm not going to make sure it gets washed. but i have a dress code at work and am in "the people's eye" all the time; he wears a big-ass cold suit and works in a -5 degree freezer all day so his clothes aren't as big a deal. but that's how i roll with the laundry...



with dishes we trade. with errands he does whatever he can in the mornings while i'm at work and i do whatever he misses in the afternoon while he's at work. it works out pretty good. he gets the mail more often than i do because he's at home when it runs. i'm the only one who ever has appointments so of course i have to keep them, lol. we don't have to worry about a babysitter because of how we have our work schedule set up. we wait until we both have a free morning or afternoon to go grocery shopping because i don't want to go alone but he sucks at picking out things we need. as for cooking, he's much better at it and much more successful with it than i am so he does it more often. but we hardly get a night together to enjoy any cooking, so we hardly ever get a home-cooked meal.

Mother - posted on 03/01/2012

September.....it is so nice to hear such awesome stories. :)

Mother - posted on 03/01/2012

Ohhhhhhhh Brittney....do I hear you. My ex was a long haul truck driver. I also hemorrhaged after my delivery for 5 months. I was all alone in a strange city and moved twice in that time. UGH....that's why he is an ex. LOL

September - posted on 03/01/2012

My husband is amazing! He does laundry, dishes, grocery shops, runs a lot of our errands and helps with appointments when it comes to our son. I do however do most things when it comes to our son so really it all balances it's self out. Sometimes I do dishes but most nights I cook so who ever cooks the other does the dishes. He's picky when it comes to the home front and has to have the house in tip top shape so that's on him. I do the deep cleans about once a month so I do help out with the house as well. I really lucked out with my man I don't know what I'd do without him!



ETA: I should have mentioned when it comes to spending time with our son like playing, reading, going for walks and that sort of thing hubby is on it. I made it sound like he has nothing to do with our son when I said I do most things. I was more referring to baths, getting him ready for bed, those types of things I handle those responsibilities. While hubby folds laundry...LOL! :)

Jaime - posted on 03/01/2012

I cook, I clean, I discipline and I am responsible for 100% of the child care. I'm also a single mom.

Krista - posted on 03/01/2012

You still had to cook and clean and do all of the childcare after a physically traumatic birth AND the flu?



Sorry, Brittney. I'm glad you're happy with your life, but I would not be at all happy with a man who is a father in name only.

Brittney - posted on 03/01/2012

I have been ill, I hemorrhaged after birth and got the flu when she was 1 month old, I still had to cook and clean and take care of the baby. I got a little bit of help from him (he would bring me a bottle or 2) I got over the illness and got back into the swing of things. I do not drink at all and I'm happy with my life! :) I have to get creative when it comes to making dinner because I have a picky husband. I have a small house so it only takes a few hours to completely clean it. I can't wait until I can hang the laundry outside to dry!

Tracie - posted on 03/01/2012

Living up to your half of the household responsibilities is not "helping." You don't need your man to "help." You need him to do his half and not shirk it onto you. This notion that we can't do it all, so we have to enlist help is absurd. No one can do it all. That's why it takes two! Are you "helping" him by working outside the home? Of course not. Providing financially is both of your responsibilities. Are you "helping" him when you water the lawn? Of course not, taking care of the inside and outside of a home are both of your responsibilities. You're in it together! GO TEAM!

Janice - posted on 03/01/2012

Not helping with the kids is the one thing that would not fly. Overall my husband loves spending time with our kids but he has his moments.



On Tuesday evening I went to urgent care because I had an earache and knew that as of today I would have no insurance. I had been gone a little over an hour when I got a call. My hubby just held the phone next to our screaming son - 3 months today. He didn't even try to talk to me. He was just being an ass. I was so pissed! and I let him know it when I got home.

Krista - posted on 03/01/2012

Exactly. It's not the SAHM thing that bothers me. I was home for a year when I was on Mat leave, and I could handle it. But for the father to not be at ALL involved in childcare? I would not tolerate that. I know some women who deal with that shit -- they can't even have lunch with a girlfriend because their husbands REFUSE to watch the baby. It makes me mad enough to spit nails.

Sally - posted on 03/01/2012

krista, i agree with the training the children . I have 1 girl and 2 boys. 15,23,30 , they can cook,clean,wash iron etc . My boys better at it than my girl. They both enjoy cooking. They have all be brought up to help, none of that its womens work shit. I do thing if your asah parent then most of the daily things are down to you but that goes for men as well as women. If your both working then it should be shared. This is what i have taught all 3.

@Brittney, what would happen if you were ill. I dislike men like that but they are the product of their upbring.

Johnny - posted on 03/01/2012

If I didn't have to work, I would be fine with the household tasks being my responsibility along with day time childcare. But the very idea of having my husband uninvolved in our raising our daughter just makes me want to cry, for what he'd miss and what she'd miss. In my view, an uninvolved parent is always tragic.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/01/2012

I'm so with you Krista! Someone would be hurting and it wouldn't be my drunk-ass self! ;)

Krista - posted on 03/01/2012

when I think of being married, I think, the husband goes off to work after eating a fabulous breakfast, all day the women care for the children and clean the house and spend all day making dinner, the father/husband gets home from work and eats his dinner doesn't ever try to raise the kids...that sort of thing.



I could not live like that. I would wind up either hitting the bottle, or stabbing my husband in the nuts with an olive fork.



Or both.

Krista - posted on 03/01/2012

Sorry, Sally. I didn't mean to leap on you. I guess I just DO hear a lot of women talking about how we need to train our husbands, and they appear to be joking, but actually mean it in all seriousness. And I think, "How would you like it if your husband and his friends were talking about training you?"

Brittney - posted on 03/01/2012

I have always thought I'm trapped in the wrong time period, when I think of being married, I think, the husband goes off to work after eating a fabulous breakfast, all day the women care for the children and clean the house and spend all day making dinner, the father/husband gets home from work and eats his dinner doesn't ever try to raise the kids...that sort of thing. I try my best to raise my daughter, since I stay at home to cook and clean and take care of the baby. He doesn't do anything. Wont watch the baby, wont pay the bills, no cooking or cleaning....

Sally - posted on 03/01/2012

krista, that was meant tongue im cheek.

Johnny - posted on 03/01/2012

My husband and I both work full-time outside the home and share duties in the home. He is completely my partner in every way and I am thankful for him. My father was the same, even 30 years ago. I guess seeing the way a good man behaved lead me to find my own.



I do 90% of the cooking, kitchen cleaning, bathroom cleaning, dusting, and organizing. I also plan parties, do most of the grocery & other shopping, make sure we get our medical/dental check-ups, and plan gifts etc. He does 90% of the laundry, vacuuming, repairs, garbage, recycling, compost and cat litter (major bonus there). He handles buying stuff for the home and he is doing most of our renovating. We share childcare duties 50/50.



And my husband was the one who taught me to cook. He was a 35 year old bachelor when we met, and his apartment was clean and his cooking was fantastic.



When I was at home on maternity leave, I did all of the household tasks. I considered it my full-time job and did it just like I would do any job. Part of that was keeping the house during the day and part of it was nurturing my daughter. My husband did still pitch in though, that's just his way. And he always focused on being a dad. I actually enjoyed having him come home to a neat, clean house and a ready dinner after work. It was fun and I miss it since now I'm always rushing to pick up my daughter and get dinner on the table.

Krista - posted on 03/01/2012

I don't think it's really training, per se. That's kind of insulting. I wouldn't like a bunch of men talking about "training" their wives.



I think the key, as in all things marriage-related, is to be very clear when communicating with each other. Oftentimes we expect our spouse to just notice things, like dirty dishes, and we think that we shouldn't have to ask. And well, maybe we shouldn't, but I'd rather ask him, and be open about it, then NOT ask him, and be seething in resentment when he doesn't notice.



However, I DO agree in training our sons. And our daughters. If we raise our kids to know how to cook and clean, and do laundry, and make sure that they understand that this is part of their responsibility as a member of the household, then I think they're a lot more likely to just keep on doing that stuff when they're out on their own (or with a spouse), instead of expecting magical cleaning fairies to come take care of it.

Sally - posted on 03/01/2012

its training girls. When i met my partner 4 years ago he was a slob and could only cook beans on toast. Over the last few years iv'e just asked him to help telling him sooner sorted sooner relax. Also encourged him to cook and his good at it. Do have problems sometimes with getting him the shower but i tell he smells and won't cuddle him to close ,so he gets the message. I do most cos im home but his willing to help. The only thing that bugs me is that he wants thanking everytime he does something which is fair enough and i bet most of you say thanks but how often do you ever here a thank you for hoover, doing the dishes etc.

Kelly - posted on 03/01/2012

My husband helps with our son, but I handle most of the household management because I do not work much outside the home, so it just makes sense. Our son belongs to both of us and dh deserves to have just as much of a relationship with him as I do, and he can't have that if he has to spend what little time he has at home doing household chores.



I handle the cleaning, appointments, etc. Our finances are set up to be handled by the bank, when changes are necessary, we make them together. When J has an appointment, we try to go together, but if his work makes it difficult, I don't mind going alone to the routine ones. Luckily his work is flexible so he can make most of them, and he's never missed an important one.



I do the bulk of the cleaning during the week, then on weekends, we spend time together as a family. Dh does do most of the "grunt work" like mowing the lawn, taking the trash out, and fixing stuff. Sometimes he forgets, and I do it, but I don't mind because I have time. I appreciate that he does it so often. Oh, and in the summer, he cooks because he likes to grill stuff :) He is a really great grill master too!



He can be a bit messy, and that irks me, but overall, he contributes as much as I do.

Starfish - posted on 03/01/2012

You best believe he helps. I told him from the beginning that I was all about equality. Good for me, he is too.



Everyone in my home is expected to do their part. Even the kids. My day doesn't end at 5, why should my partner's? We're in this together, from the time we get up, to the time we go to bed.



Sure, we adjust according to needs. If I'm feeling particularly crummy, he picks up the slack. If he is, then I do. It's a really fair system.



And since he's always helping and the kids are always helping, everything gets done quickly and no one gets stuck "doing it all". Pretty nice.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/01/2012

Oh my man helps for sure! It was explained to him when we first met that it was a MUST...



We both work very hard at our careers, so we must both work very hard at home too, together.



If clothes are needing washed and he sees them first he does them, folds them and puts them away. He does the dishes 90% of them time. He works nights, so I delegate suppers and how to cook them but he does the cooking, I always cook 4 suppers on Sunday, so often he only needs to place them in the oven. He does ALL the outside work from mowing to weeding and all garbage. He vacuums on Mondays and Wednesdays. He rushes home in the morning so he can take our son over while I get ready for work and pack my daughters lunch and get her out the door. He picks our son up everyday from Daycare, brings him home and feeds him his supper. he also baths our son most times.



I am the delegate of everything. I do ALL our finances. Everything else we share. Really I am the boss in our house and my husband likes it that way. LOL



I am the disciplinary in our home though. My husband will stand beside me and follow through with what has been decided but I am the one that must engage and make sure these things occur. I have to make ALL appts, including his or they would never happen. I also do ALL the shopping, even his. I run ALL errands, even his.



Pretty much he is very easy going and willing to do whatever makes me happy! He is the BEST.



Oh and he hand washes both our vehicles. I have told him I will bring mine through a car wash, he won't have it..



ETA:We have lived together for 6 years and married since this past August... We met and 2 months later bought a house! Talk about fast moving or what? It was the best choice I have made in a long time. Oh and he is Italian... mmmmm LOL



Ah yes and my daughter must take care of the dog, dusting, mail, bringing in the garbage bins and her room..

Lady Heather - posted on 03/01/2012

Oh and I have also been with the husband for 11 years this June, married for five in October.

Janice - posted on 03/01/2012

Thank Kelly I will check that out. I think my biggest obstacle is the size of our home. Sometimes I really want to clean up a pile of stuff. Start sorting through, get rid of a few things and then place the "keepers" back in the same spot because I honestly dont know where else to put it.



Sometimes when I go grocery shopping, my hubby gets ambitious and "cleans." Really he just hides the clutter by over stuffing cabinets and drawers but at least it LOOKS clean. ;)

Lady Heather - posted on 03/01/2012

My husband helps a lot. I prefer to get done as much of the house stuff as possible because I don't work outside the home. But I have a baby who only sleeps on me right now. She's very high maintenance. I tend to get the very basics done during the week (dinner, kitchen, laundry) and then we have a family cleaning day on the weekend. We grocery shop once a week as a family. I don't drive so I need him for big shopping things. I do make the appointments and take care of gifts and things. I don't mind. Better than him never going to the dentist.

Janice - posted on 03/01/2012

Jenni my hubby sometimes takes 2 showers a day. While I sometimes skip a day - especially now with a 3 month old and toddler. He affectionately calls me his dirty girl on those days Lol.

Mother - posted on 03/01/2012

Well, my mother ISSSSS that neat freak. she can get done in 15 minutes what would take me 4 hours. I WISH, I was as organized. However when I was a new mom I found this site. It helped a lot. You might already know it...but if not, its awesome. The emails are a little overwhelming as they send you "alerts" as to what you should be doing. I turned them off the first couple months as they stressed me out.



http://flylady.net/

Janice - posted on 03/01/2012

Been with hubby 13 years, well the 1st 3 we were in high school so it was on and off. We have been married 6.5 years.



He used to have a man cave but now its our sons bedroom, so he hides out in our bedroom now.



I dont think I will ever get off the hook about housework. I grew up in a cluttered house and so the loveseat covered in clean laundry and the end table stacked with papers doesnt bug me too much. But my MIL is just a hair shy of being a neat freak and is an efficient cleaner. My hubby doesnt get why the house isnt sparkling. Oh well ;)