Friends and Divorce

Deanna - posted on 02/08/2011

Just be there for both. Understand, listen and don't talk bad about the other no matter what. Friends shouldn't require you dump other friends for them so there shouldn't be a problem stay friends with both if you want to.

Mary - posted on 02/08/2011

My first husband and I had a reasonably amicable divorce after 10 years of marriage. We had gone to college together, and although we didn't date then, we had a fair number of mutual friends, as well as other couples we had gotten to know in our 13 years together.

The friendship thing is hard when a couple splits. My ex and I had agreed that we would do our very best to not try slamming each other when interacting with mutual friends, and I do believe we stuck to that fairly well. Obviously, we each had our own version of the how's and why's of our split, and there was certainly a fair amount of hurt and anger, but I know that I did my very best, when asked, to say that there are two sides in every divorce, and both of us were at fault. Out of respect for him, I did not initiate contact with people that were more "his" friends, and he did the same. I did find, that because he is a typical guy, it meant that a fair number of people (mostly his fraternity brothers) did not know until over a year afterwards, since he just didn't get in touch with anyone he wasn't normally in contact with on a daily basis. One of the wives called me about a reunion weekend, and when I told her we had split, I was rather surprised to find out that none of that group knew anything about it.

There was one couple that we were particularly close with. We vacationed together at least twice a year, and we were both god-parents to their daughter. I really tried to encourage my ex to maintain that friendship, especially in light of the god-parent thing. When they had a birthday party for the girl about a year after we split, I told them to invite him as well, and even called him up to tell him that I was not only fine with him going, but thought it important that he did. I also told him that I would be going solo (I had started dating my now-husband at this point), to avoid any more potential awkwardness. He went, and from my perspective it was fine - we were friendly, and talked pleasantly about all types of impersonal things. However, it was the last time those friends ever heard from him.

Bonnie - posted on 02/08/2011

Aww that is sad and I don't even know the people. I don't even know how I would take it if people close to me were going through this.

Natasha - posted on 02/08/2011

I have, unfortunately, been through this type of situtation more times than I would wish on my worst enemy. My only advice is to be very honest with both of them and let them know that even though they are not together anymore that does not affect your relationship with either of them.

I make it very clear that I will not choose sides, and if either of them tried to push it, I would not be choosing them. When my ex and I split years ago he forced people to choose between us, and I found out very quickly who my true friends were. I know the pain of losing everyone who was close to you for something that I had no control over.

Be there for both of them, and even more for the kids. They are going to be going through this too, and will probably need someone that they can talk to about what they are thinking and feeling.

I hope that this helps (and makes sense). I know that this is difficult for everyone involved, but keep your head up and remember that they have thier reasons for making the choices they do.

Katherine - posted on 02/08/2011

That's a tough situation to be in when you're friends with both. It's hard not to listen to both of them and take sides.

If I were you I would tell them (if that's what you want) you would rather stay out of it.