girlfriend vs. wife duties?

DoubleA - posted on 03/26/2012 ( 44 moms have responded )

76

2

4

i wanted to get some of your inputs..are there certain roles that fall under girlfriend roles as compared to wife roles? say if youre living together, have a child and both parents work... And say if a girlfriend was doing all the roles a wife normally would do... does that make a partner less want to ask you into marriage?are there some things women shouldnt do until marriage? im asking because im curious as to the saying.. "why buy the milk when you get the cow for free..." kinda saying.. are there some things i shouldnt do so he can see the difference between me being his girlfriend and such...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ana - posted on 07/30/2012

448

0

74

Umm.. yes you are right..

Don't treat a boyfriend like a husband.. he has not earned that right!

And likewise a man usually won't treat you as his wife if you are his girlfriend.

Doesn't matter that you live together.. to me, without the commitment of marriage,
your just dating..(check all applications you fill out that ask you your status, married, single, divorced, widowed)...dating is just that,hanging out..getting to know someone..

When I was dating my husband, I let him know as my boyfriend, that I want to be married and I have many things stored up for my hubby, and if that's not you, you will never know..

Of course he married me..because I meant every word of it.. I told him I have no intentions of playing wifee..

Aleks - posted on 03/28/2012

546

0

46

See Happy Mama,



We already have that legaly binding commitment by just living together (at least here in Aust).

Christina - posted on 03/26/2012

221

25

25

depends on the situation. i believe in living together before marriage regardless. but it shouldnt matter what you do or dont do as far as being a gf or married.

Aleks - posted on 03/28/2012

546

0

46

@ Happy Mama,

Some people want to have the whole celebration. To them that is the whole point. Its about showing to all those they love and care for how much the couple love one another. It is about the celebration of their love, and not neccesarily about getting the piece of paper.

[deleted account]

i'm not sure how much that really applies and i think it depends on the people involved. I lived with my son's dad before we got married and we still got married

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

44 Comments

View replies by

Lori - posted on 07/21/2014

70

0

0

I guess I am old fashioned and the op is exactly why a woman should not live with a man unless he is committed to her - through marriage.

there are many, many things that a girlfriend shouldn't do that are strictly to be kept for marriage. but, then again, marriage (to me) is sacramental and religious.

Margaret Njeri - posted on 07/21/2014

1

0

0

am not married but live with this man. we have sex, I clean up, do laundry and even iron for him. its been a year. he helps with the chores too. I love him, he says he loves me but he has/had a girlfriend whom they argued n wen we met , the three of us, he said am jst a friend n bcshe told her that, I ws silent n jst nodded. I still live with him n I love him but I kinda feel he is afraid to love me n let people know he loves me. wat shud I do? am in colledge n shud I go livein my hostel to givehim space or?

Lottiare - posted on 11/14/2012

8

0

3

I agree understand with most post, and I understand what you mean. Ur wondering if he is so comfortable with you actin committed to him but still basically label as his girlfriend. You want the mental bond also not just living with your boyfriend being something your not. If your a strong believer in God and marriage then you would also understand the mix emotions. A girlfriend is different she has no commitment to you and your dating but a wife will...but your still labeled as the girlfriend or baby mom...not cool because you do more than what I go is entitled to....it's away a little better being able to have proof! I personally feel if your been with someone so long like 5 years it shouldn't take you any longer to know if you want to marry someone,....courthouse and nice reception is a option unless u want more... But it shouldn't be based on how it looks. Either u want to marry them or u don't

DoubleA - posted on 03/30/2012

76

2

4

I planned to get married before I had kids but life doesn't always turn out like that for some people. And the same with living together if I wanted to see my children every day. I didn't say I was going to stop doing things until he married me and considered me " wife". I just asked if there's certain limits to such labels. I'd marry for love not to do wife things. An this day and age men don't step up to the plate like they did back in the day and marry the girl they got pregnant. My question was more directed towards a marrying issue rather than duties. So I guess I worded it a little wrong. But u don't think it was a ludicrous question

Sarah - posted on 03/30/2012

67

0

6

hi, either he wants to marry you or he doesnt, if you do everything in the house that a 'wife' should do then i think your living in the dark ages.

you should both appreciate each other and love each other enough to want to marry. if he is going to marry you so you can then do 'wife' duties, i would say your in the wrong relationship.

i find the question ludicrous, as its silly. i just dont get it im afraid. either your commited or your not and if your going to start or stop certain things because your not married then maybe you should have got married before having children or living together.

bit sad for this day and age

Toni - posted on 03/29/2012

443

20

73

In my opinion, if you love him and he loves you, it doesnt matter if you are married or not.

I am not married to my partner, but I still do all the 'wife' duties. I love my partner and will do anything for him.

Bonnie - posted on 03/29/2012

4,813

22

257

It's the same thing in my opinion. Whether you are married or not, you still have the house, you still have the children. It comes with the same situations, chores, and duties. If you live with your boyfriend for at least 2 years, you are considered common law.

Kagisho - posted on 03/29/2012

46

16

3

"Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free" - In traditional times men had to prove themselves worthy to the woman's parents before he cound be approved to marry her; some cultures even included and still include things like brideprice; some parents want to know he is educated or has a cerreer or at least carreer aspirations that mean the man will be able to provide for their daughter. In turn the woman was/is expected to take care of him and the kids, the house and even sleep with him anytime since they will be in the same home. The cow milk thing I think meant why should a man be worthy or hardworking or even have to pay brideprice for the woman when she can cook for him, clean up after him and sleep with him by choice even though he hasn't done any of those things. if she lived in a different place he would have to follow her or invite her over; he would be responsible for the upkeep of his own place and even his own meals.

Let's face it even those women who don't stay at home and take care of the house; it fall

somewhat on our shoulders to appoint someone to do these duties and make sure they're done.



On the other hand like one of the other posts said 'some men are high maintainance'. Some men basically expect you to pick up after them, clean up after them, etc. So someone (probably a scorned woman) coined a new age phrase "Why buy the pig if I can get the sausage for free". Nowadays women can do almost everything for themselves, with the right education and planning she can take care of her kids all by heselfl. All men are really needed for is to make babies. With the advent of sperm banks one doesn.t even have to sleep with the man to get a baby.



Dn't get me wrong I'm not against couples being together; in fact I think living together before marriage for at lease one year is a good idea so that both partners adjust and move away from the singe life. Just not for too long unless you don't mind not being married. Because technically the duties don't change; just the status and the name and adding his family to yours

Aleks - posted on 03/28/2012

546

0

46

Happy Mama,



I am just stating what is just *commonly* used terminology. We all know that a wedding is just a party, while marriage is a whole lot more... but people (including myself) used these terms interchangeably when referring to the act of getting married (ie, exchanging of vows) and having a celeratory party (ie, wedding).



Its just what people do... I just wished to explain that... but I guess you are more particular over the terminology than most people in this respect. :-)

Johnny - posted on 03/28/2012

8,686

26

318

I don't think I've ever met someone who equated the two at all. They aren't the same. "Getting married" is simply a euphemism for having a wedding in common language.

Happy - posted on 03/28/2012

341

0

44

I'm with you, Aleksandra! A wedding does not make you anymore or less married. As I stated before, although I am married now, if my marriage ends for whatever reason, I will NEVER marry again. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband dearly, but it is just not worth it, to me anyway. But call a wedding what it is, a party, and of that's what's important to you (you in general, not specifically) then go for it but do NOT equate the two becasue they are NOT the same.

Johnny - posted on 03/28/2012

8,686

26

318

No, I would strongly disagree with that assumption. You are talking about people who have already made a commitment to one another, and do not require a public, legally binding piece of paper to make it so. They choose to stay together regardless of that. They may buy homes together, have children together, right their wills, give each other power of attorney privileges without becoming legally wed.



Now, where I live, the laws for common-law relationships are the same as for legal marriages. So you have the same responsibilities either way. The wedding becomes a celebration of that love.



I have actually been to a commitment celebration where no marriage was performed. The couple had been together 7 years, he had legally adopted her children, and they owned a home together. They couldn't get married legally because her first husband had run off and couldn't be tracked down ever (to this day 8 years later still) for the divorce to be finalized.

Stifler's - posted on 03/28/2012

15,141

154

597

I think you can even just change your last name by deed poll to your partners here.

Happy - posted on 03/28/2012

341

0

44

Oh! Hmmm. Maybe that's why it is so easy to just walk away from it, or see it just as a peice of paper. To me, and I know that not everyone has to feel this way, a marriage is a public, legally binding commitment. A wedding is a nice buffet and some dancing in a dress that costs more than your first car did.

Stifler's - posted on 03/28/2012

15,141

154

597

And getting married at a registry office is just making it official some people want to walk down teh aisle, cut the cake, throw the bouquet, have a reception a first dance a bar tab and want to wait until they can afford it. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Johnny - posted on 03/28/2012

8,686

26

318

I think people just say "getting married" as a casual term. I think if you grilled them about it, they'd tell you that there relationship is already pretty much a marriage in every sense of the term but legalistic. What they want is the wedding/party. It's just a euphemism.

Stifler's - posted on 03/28/2012

15,141

154

597

I think in Aus now if you live at your girlfriends/boyfriends house 4 days out of 7 then you're defacto after 6 months which is basically the same rights as a married couple.

Aleks - posted on 03/28/2012

546

0

46

@ Johnny

Exactly... he he he... same the same thing at about the same time...lol



ETA

*said the same thing*

not *same the same thing*

LOL

Happy - posted on 03/28/2012

341

0

44

Then say that you can't afford to have a party or a wedding, don't say you can't afford to get married. Marriage has as much to do with a wedding as buying toys has to do with having a baby. Do they help? Are they nice to have? Don't you want the most expensive and neatest ones" Yes! Do you have to have them to raise a child? No!

Johnny - posted on 03/28/2012

8,686

26

318

I think many people are happy enough to live together without a wedding, but at some point, if they want to formalize it, it becomes about throwing a celebration and a shindig to share it with everyone. Not necessarily about just getting the paper from the justice of the peace. That might not be everyone, but for people I know, that's a fairly common thing. Saving up to throw the party, because it doesn't matter here legally if you are married or common-law, the same rules apply.

Happy - posted on 03/28/2012

341

0

44

Kinda don't get the whole, "We'll get married when we can afford to" thing. What exactly does that mean. I can kind of see that a large and expensive wedding can take a while to save up or pay for but you don't have to have that to get married. A justice of the peace and a state license is about 50 bucks. If my "boyfriend, fiance" whatever, couldn't afford 50 bucks, I think I would keep looking. But maybe that's just me.

Aleks - posted on 03/28/2012

546

0

46

Here in Australia the *law* states that after a given time ( I am not sure exactly how long, but it is only several months) a romatic couple that co-habits together they are deemed to have the same rights and obligations as a married couple. Infact they are termed De-Facto couple (as in married in de-facto). Essentially, a marriage here in Australia, is nothing more (literaly) than a piece of paper with a very expensive celebration attached ...lol



I am in such a relationship and have been in one for over 7yrs now. Yes, he has proposed, and we always were intending to get married, but life kind of gets in the way and we haven't done it yet...lol However, by law we are treated in exactly the same ligth as if we had the wedding bands around our fingers. THAT in itself helps to dispel the old-fashioned notions you bring up in your OP.

After living a life with kids together, I hardly can see any way a *marriage* would change things - (may be only for me *IF* I chose to change my name and all that hassle to comes with that. I would be a Mrs (insert surname) and have the same surname as my kids... Oh, and I would get to call him my "husband/hubby" rather than by his name or fiance or partner) Living life together cannot be any different married or not.... I don't see how.

Jenni - posted on 03/28/2012

5,928

34

373

I'm not married and have lived with my partner for 5 years, we have two children together. I'm really not all that interested in marriage. I'm sure we'll get there eventually, when we can afford it. My partner isn't "afraid of marriage". The whole "buy the milk when you get the cow for free" is something that people use to preach to their daughters to keep them virginal. Basically, it's like saying if you have sex with a man, he'll never want to marry you. It's also comparing us to live stock, because back in the day women were bought and sold like cattle. I find the reference rather insulting. My partner isn't getting anything for free, he has to work hard to support our family, he is also a very involved father to his children. Getting the cow for free would imply he's getting a wham bam Thank you ma'am. He has the exact same responsibilities as he would if we were married (with children).



We do that exact same things as any other married couple, we refer to each other as husband and wife. The only thing missing is the rings, ceremony and legal documents. Although, we have common-law status which is virtually the same from a legal standpoint and benefits.

Tracie - posted on 03/28/2012

317

9

1

Please don't compare yourself to a cow. I hate that saying. Maybe you should be asking yourself, "Why buy the whole pig when I'm getting the sausage for free?" See how gross that is?



If you have brought a child into the world together, you are partners, no matter what title you go by. If you love each other and are devoted to each other, it really doesn't matter what you call each other.



If getting married is important to you, tell him. Don't withhold something you think is "wifely" to get him to agree. Have a mature discussion about it and come to a decision that makes you both happy. Love and mutual respect are all you need.



Good luck!

DoubleA - posted on 03/27/2012

76

2

4

@ Emma. Yes I think that's why I wanted the wedding. Cause that's all the fun and pretty stuff. Our commitment and chores and relationship are pretty well split and he helps a lot with everything. At first I needed to get married because of what it stood for and things like that. But we pretty much have the same thing just without the paper and ring. Don't get me wrong. I'd only marry for the right reasons and don't believe in divorce. But now I gues it's just becoming as less important as a need. Because I technically already have it. Everyone around us was getting married maybe that's what sparked my interest up a little bit. Ridiculous I know. But seriously everyone he talks to has gotten married or engaged with in the last year. Even his one friend who was a huge player up until like maybe 5 months ago. And I always told myself I'd put hard time in before I even thought about that. But it is my dream to Marry, so I'm also feeling like I hope one day it will happen with him.

Mother - posted on 03/27/2012

1,627

79

28

AMEN Laverne. I would never get married again. Men are high maintenance but a friend with benefits is attractive. Some people can't be a lone tho. I LOVVVVVVVVVE being alone. Maybe because I never get alone time and am always serving others. I also don't need a man to define me which I find some women do.

Jakki - posted on 03/27/2012

731

11

26

Yeah I agree - once you're living together I wouldn't imagine that "duties" would change at all once you get married.



This whole argument is a bit cringy and 1950s.

Stifler's - posted on 03/26/2012

15,141

154

597

I thought the cow/milk thing more referred to having sex with someone when you aren't going out. as in... they aren't going to date you and marry you if you're having sex with them anyway. But moving on...



We lived together before we were married and didn't get married until after the kids so the wedding bit was just for fun/to celebrate our commitment. Things didn't change with our relationship so I don't think my role changed from girlfriend to wife. I always did most of the house work and he always made most of the money.

Happy - posted on 03/26/2012

341

0

44

The point behind the phrase, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." is Why would a man (or woman) work, clean, care for and give their lives up for someone when they don't have to. Why pay for, struggle to maintain, essentially give up a part of who you are, when they'll sleep with you and take care of you for nothing in return? Marriage is very hard work and had a lot of sacrafice attached to it. Although I am married now, if my marriage ever ended, for whatever reason, I know I will NEVER marry again. WHy should I buy the cow when SOOOOO many pastures out there have all this free milk sitting around! And I say that not in jest.

Lady Heather - posted on 03/26/2012

2,448

17

91

Oh I wasn't offended by you! Just the very fact that the phrase exists. Ha.

DoubleA - posted on 03/26/2012

76

2

4

I was using that as a figment of speech as to if there were certain things that wives do that girlfriends don't. I was just curious if things were any differnt on the other side. But I do totally agree. Nothing really changes.. I guess. Except your last name and some rings and papers:).

Amanda - posted on 03/26/2012

2,559

3

365

If you are living together, you are not boyfriend and girlfriend, you are in a commited relationship esp if you have children together. Im wondering wtf are wife dutys compared to girlfriend dutys. Chores have to be done, who does them is not decided by realtionship status, nor gender.



As for the saying "why buy the milk when you get the cow for free" is a little past since you live together and prob having sex with eachother.



If a relationship is healthy and well, there is no difference between being a live together couple or married.

Johnny - posted on 03/26/2012

8,686

26

318

I must agree with Heather, we didn't get married to do "duties" for each other, we got married because we love each other and wanted to spend all our days together. We like marriage and what it means emotionally. But in our everyday life, there was zero difference from when we were living together to when we were married.

Isobel - posted on 03/26/2012

9,849

0

282

Or you could look at it like I do...if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

DoubleA - posted on 03/26/2012

76

2

4

Meme.. Yes I agree. I just didn't know if I was going about things wrong. But then again. It was just a thought.. I wanted to be married before I ha baby number two. But it didn't happen that way. But u are right. And I didn't mean to offended with the cow ... Milk thing. That was the only simple way I could figure out how to write it.

Lady Heather - posted on 03/26/2012

2,448

17

91

I find the whole cow/milk thing offensive. We do the same stuff for each other now as we did when we were living together unmarried. He didn't marry me for sex/housekeeping/child care. He married me because we love each other and want to be married to each other.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/26/2012

3,377

8

66

My husband and I lived together 5 years before we got married. I told him, it was time. We were planning on having a baby together, I wasn't married with my daughter. I told him I wanted that for my next child.



I still do exactly what I did when we weren't married. Only now I have the ring I wanted and the papers are signed. ;)



I think it is important to live together first and it is important to be who you are regardless. If you are a good mother and a good partner, they will want to marry you anyhow.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms