Grieving - not a debate

[deleted account] ( 40 moms have responded )

My father died 4/11. My aunt died 2 weeks later. Now that the funeral is over, the miniscule personal belongings sorted, i'm left on my own.

I'm having a very hard time going day to day . The 2-3 weeks after he died, I was drinking heavily each night. I stopped of my own volition but started having out of the blue panic attacks. It was like someone just started sitting on my chest, I couldnt' breathe and was so terrified for no reason. I finally called my doctor who added klonopin to my regime of morphine and trazodone. Turns out I can't work with klonopin. I ended up having a panic attack so bad on Thursday that I left work after royallly screwing up several calls. I vomited my brains out in the parking lot before going home. I'm not getting mild agoraphobia (spelling?).

It was all I could do today to go visit my mother and stop at the store. I sit here even now and feel the panic rising.

I'm so angry at my father for leaving the way he did. Now he left with no life insurance, no money at all - literally just enough to pay for the funeral costs and part of the lawyer money. The service was 2 hours, cremation, flowers and a bagpiper. My father's ashes are in my garage in the standard plastic container.

I'm not sure how much more of this i can take. I'm broke beyond measure. My son has had to talk me down from panic attacks and it's not fair to him.
I know full well that counseling is the answer but I hate therapists and do not trust them on a major scale. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD from other issues. I feel lost and alone.

I wish I could date just so I could have a man hold me just one night. I know better so I'm not and dammit, after two disastrous marriages, I don't want to take the chance and yet I do.

I'm so angry with my Dad for so manyt hings. For the times we went hungry because he spent our money at the bar, for every single school event he never came to, for forgetting that I was at a school dance and never came to pick me up (had to walk home becasue he was too drunk to rmemeber me), to so many other things. AT the end he literally preferred the compnay of Jerry Springer Reject Crack heads over his own family. He never respected me. He ran a geneology family website and kept "accidentally" taking down any photos of me after I gained all the weight. This happened 'accidentally' 5 times yet my skinny photos remained.

Yet I miss him so much sometimes. I dont' know why. Does that make any sense to anyone?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jenny - posted on 05/28/2012

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What incredible pain you are experiencing, Jen. What heartbreak, what cruelty from others. I am sorry for the pain, loss, loneliness, frustration and confusion you feel. Coming from such heaviness of heart, everything you say makes sense.







I'm going through my own issues that do not compare to what you are going through yet are still capable of bringing me great dispare and some degree of panick attacks. It is not nice to go through one, you do not know how you will possibly get through it and if it will end before your body collapses.

It is human nature to feel this type of anguish through dwelling on the past, expecting more from others, being disappointed to the point of heartbreak, it is so hard to move on, to keep living. We have these negative images/situations play over in our minds again and again. So we re-live the pain 100 times over. How devastating and overwhelming it becomes.









Something that I am currently into, that has lifted my spirits and brought me peace in the last couple days is listening to youtube clips by Eckhart Tolle who teaches about seperating yourself from your thoughts (that are usually the cause of our most intense suffering), bringing peace and stillness into your life, living in the now - free from the past and the future.

Here's a url to a clip titled "Eckhart Tolle - how to dissolve suffering from yourself and experience peace"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjZFdVDT0...





I've also enjoyed watched clips of Byron Katie doing "The Work of Byron Katie" with people. as an example.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM4jtnR6p...



Maybe some of this spiritual teaching can bring you some peace too.



xoxoxox my heart goes out to you.

[deleted account]

((((Jen))))

I have issues. Ask anyone. And I know what it's like to mourn someone who caused you irrepairable grief. I'm so sorry I missed this post when you posted it. My FB was out of commission. I also suffer from mild agorophobia. After 9/11 I didn't leave my house or speak with barely a soul other than my ex-husband for two years and I still always feel like the outsider, no matter what. Fear. It's so fucking powerful and so debilitating. So first of all, my advice to you, is to breathe. I haven't read any of the other replies yet, but I'm positive you've gotten fantastic advice. But in case no one's told you yet. Stop. Breathe. Concentrate on JUST THAT. Such a simple thing, breathing. Above your control but IN your control. Do it slowly and deeply.



My second bit of advice for you is to get angry. You're pissed at your dad for a whole host of legitimate reasons. Him being gone doesn't negate your feelings at all. Go to the garage and yell at his ashes if you have to. I spent $500 on my mother's urn and used to keep her displayed in my China cabinet because I thought it was the right thing to do. She also had no will. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. So I put her in a box, lablelled it clearly that no one was to touch it or move it but me and it still to this day sits on a shelf in my hall closet because I couldn't bear to look at it anymore. I did eventually get to a point though, where I took it to a funeral home and had her "divided" amongst my two brothers and I. Into mason jars.



The process of grief is just such a messed up thing. I so wish I could say one thing that will make your heart be at ease. I wish I could tell you that it'll all go away soon. I wish no one ever had to know such pain. It's hard losing a parent when you're a grown up child who was really always a parent to your parent. Hope that makes sense.



My mom died shortly before Christmas in 1997. For Thanksgiving that year, my ex and I had made plans to pick her up to take her to his parents' house for dinner. We drove an hour to her house and all we got was a shitty note on the door that said some BS about her friends "needing her". I never saw her before she died. I understand unresolved. But I'm here to tell you that unresolved doesn't mean ultimate doom. If you let yourself, you can grieve the father you loved, grieve the father you hated, grieve the child in you who was loved and the child who was overlooked. You can do it. I swear it, it can be done. Not saying you're gonna come out at the end all roses and butterflies about your dad but.....you can find peace. If you need anyone to talk to about any of this, I've got an ear for you. And remember.....breathe woman...just breathe. The simple things are important at times like these.

Karla - posted on 06/05/2012

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Jen, Thanks for the update. I'm hoping the doctor can help you as you work through this issue. I wonder if he can refer you to a psychologist for additional help. A psychologist can offer you methods to help you control your thinking and fears.
I'll be thinking of you.

Karla - posted on 05/29/2012

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"I had a counselor once that I liked when I was married to my 2nd husband but I stopped seeing him because he brought up too many issues I didn't want to deal with at the time."

If you tell them you can't deal with it yet, I believe they will respect that. I think, sometimes, you have to work around the core issue before you can actually face it... kind of like a monster ... work around it and then attack it from behind. (I don't know, it just came to mind... lol)

Sorry about your garden. If I lived closer you would be more than welcome to use mine. :-)
I wonder if you can get a few more pots to plant, maybe just the act of planting beautiful or useful things might be therapeutic for you? Or maybe one of those small zen gardens might be enjoyable. (It sounds like you find healing in nature.)

hang in there!

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Karla - posted on 06/14/2012

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I'm sorry Jen, but some fears are legitimate. Not to say I want you to have fear and anxiety, but rather it's not abnormal to be worried about paying bills.

I so wish we could all have a mom's night in one of our living rooms. Soft music and tea and reassurances that we can do this. Life... it has it's shitty moments, that's for sure.

I just hope that remembering the positive things in your life helps see you through all of this: your son, your teddy bear, your friends, even a doctor that's working with you. Revive yourself with these positives, and a cool cloth on your forehead, and a several really deep breathes. ♥

more {{{hugs}}}

Krista - posted on 06/14/2012

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Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through so much hell right now. We're all here for you, kiddo. You will get past this...it'll just take some time.

[deleted account]

I had my mammogram yesterday. The staff was kind enough to let me friend stay with me which was good because I freaked out from the nurse touching me despite the full dose of klonopin. On the way home, I was ranting about conspiracies against me. I need another week off. I've been sleeping a lot with the new dosages and I have absolutely no appetite which I guess isnt' bad considering that I'm obese.

I just feel so stupid! I checked my bank account this morning thinking there would only be $5 in it, but I saw $30 because the disability company had sent us more. Instead of being happy, i burst into tears because I'm so frightened that I wont' be able to pay all my bills at the end of this month.

I can't stay calm unless I'm medicated. It's so sad. I think I have lost it completely. I really do, I think i"ve had that breakdown I've threatened to have for years.

Karla - posted on 06/12/2012

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Jen, I think that's a good way to look at the 'now & later' gift. You know that despite his own shortcomings your dad cared for you. And how nice to have a big snugly bear to hug.

Your son sounds so mature, how nice that you two can work together through these tough times.

And it sounds like you are in good communication with your doctor. Hopefully this path will lead you to a better situation. Sending {{{hugs}}} (without too much touching) to you. ;-)

[deleted account]

Jen, I have tears in my eyes and I feel so sad for you right now. I hope you get through this really soon and you can carry on with your life free from the torment.
The Teddy Bear thing is very sweet, and at least you have a soft shoulder to cry on at night.
Love and hugs XX

Jenny - posted on 06/12/2012

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I'm so sorry for the suffering you are going through.

What a sweet kid you have :) And what a lovely, unexpected gift from your father! Hugs from Australia :)

[deleted account]

Last week after my last post, a large box arrived from UPS from the Vermont Teddy Bear company. There was nothing on the box to indicate who it was from. Now back in February before my father died, he had sent 2 bears for me and my son for Valentines Day. Knowing he couldn't very well order after he was dead, I called the company (thinking in my heart of hearts that maybe the man I've been flirting with at work sent it to me out of concern). Never did I expect to get the answer I got.

It was from Dad. He did what they call a 'now and later' gift. The woman was utterly discomfited when I first said, "Well he died in April, it can't be from him." But it was - it was my father's birthday present to me. My son helped me get out of the box. It's this:
http://www.vermontteddybear.com/SellGrou...

Only he's not quite so big. He's 4.5 feet tall, 3 feet side and 2 feet thick around the belly.

I was so mad at him for doing that to me while I was in such pain but after awhile it's grown on me. It really is big enough to feel like I'm hugging a person so he's come to bed with me. I prop him up and it's like sleeping on someone's shoulder. I've decided in his case to forget all the bad stuff with my father and just assume that this poor bear is simply all the love he had for everyone but could never show. My son called my Dad, "Papa" so he's "papa bear.'

Not sure what any future gentleman caller will make of him but oh well.

On the panic side, things aren't improving. The doctor has doubled the Zoloft as well as the Klonopin. 1mg of klonopin 2x a day vs .5 twice a day and it zonks me out completely.

i'm supposed to go back to work on the 18th but I'll know for sure on this coming Wednesday. I"m going for my first mammogram. My friend (who is on perm disability for depression/anxiety)is going to drive me so I can take the klonopin. If i can manage strangers touching me without utterly losing it, I think that's a great sign. If not I"ll stay out another week.

This past Saturday my son went with me grocery shopping. It was a rough time for me. Every loud noise and i'd visibly freak and cover my ears. When we were all done, I looked at him and said, "Baby, you know I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart that this is going on. YOu know how hard I am trying to get better. I'm just sorry you have to see it'

He sighed and said, 'I know MOm. I'm trying not to get angry with you when you do the ear thing because it is embarrassing but I know you can't help it. We'll get through it together."

He's such a kind hearted boy I don't deserve him.

The other night I heard voices whispering to me when the house was all quiet. All it said was "be careful , they're coming"

Like my morphine hallucinations, I know it's not rational and there's no one there but I heard it nonetheless and it scares the piss out of me. Yes, I told the doctor. We're monitoring it.

Funny thing is, I'm completely NOT suicidal. I'm glad of it but surprised but it's the last thing on my mind.

Stifler's - posted on 06/05/2012

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I thought i replied to this when you posted it but COM must have ate it. I'm sorry you're going through this Jen :( Youre definitely allowed to complain XXX

Dove - posted on 06/05/2012

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I'm glad you were able to get temporary disability... hopefully they can/will extend it for you. I wish I had more advice or suggestions.

Thanks for the update. 'Whine' all you want/need to (I certainly don't think you are whining)! ♥

[deleted account]

I just wanted to update everyone. I decided to file for short term disability and it was approved. I'm supposed to go back to work on the 11th but the panic attacks are only increasing in frequency, severity and duration. I had to go to the bank yesterday to get quarters (laundry machines in my building) and to get some vital groceries (bread, milk, eggs). My skin was crawling in the bank and I knew if anyone had touched me, I would have lost it. Same thing at the grocery store, an employee offered me a sample and I backed away and started to get terrified for no good reason.

It's horrifying. This fear is utterly paralyzing. I couldn't want to get home. My son had to sit and hold my hand for about a half hour before I could calm down. Then the pain hit and hit hard. I seriously think one of the posters is right, I think I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The doctor put me on zoloft and I see him again tomorrow but if I can't get this fear under control, I cna't go back to work because I can't be around human beings.

Last night after my boy went to bed, I was up till 5am because I was too scared to go to sleep. Even with 150mg of trazodone and .5mg of klonopin, I couldn't sleep.

I only made it through the grocery store by repeating my shopping list like a mantra. Milk, bread, cat litter, eggs, milk, bread, cat litter, eggs. It didn't help that people were staring at me but it was what I had to do.

I hate this. I know I sound whiny and I don't mean to.

My mother took me out to dinner on Saturday to Red Lobster for my 40th birthday and mid dinner, I got hysterical. Had to pop a pill and grip my mother's hand and breathe.

I don't want to do this anymore. No, I'm not suicidal, in fact, I'm surprised that I'm not but I can't live like this.

Melissa - posted on 05/29/2012

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Check with your doctor and see if they can help you get on disability for a while, that may help with the financial pressures. Locate a church, many offer free counseling services. Time won't make this go away but, in time you will function better. Sounds like there was a lot of unfinished business with your relationship that is making this even harder.

Mrs. - posted on 05/29/2012

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So sorry that so many unpleasant events have happened at once. It is only natural that your anxiety would build during this time. It always does for me when death and stress happen all at once.



My auntie died a couple days after your father, my medication had to be changed for my fibro and I had to send my daughter away to my SIL for a month because I was so out of it with grief and the side effects of new meds. It has been a rough, rough new year. I know I can't completely understand your situation, but I do sympathize.



I've gone back to therapy once a week for a year now. I am super picky about my therapists. I have had bad experiences too, but I know my health outweighs my fear. Back in the day, I found group therapy or support groups to be a lot more helpful than one on one. Perhaps, you might too. There is less pressure to come up with results and you can learn a lot from others (even if you don't speak that week). I highly recommend searching out a grief support group, they tend to be free or a small cost.



Since my grandfather was a terrible drunk when my mom was young, my mother had a similar reaction to the death of her father. My mother found great support and relief from joining Al Anon. You may have heard of it. You can find meetings everywhere and they are free. You may find much in common with those who also lived with a loved one who's drinking was more important than their loved ones. Anxiety/Panic attacks are so common with children/partners of those who have drinking problems. You are not alone.



I hope you find help wherever it is most helpful to you.

[deleted account]

I had to call into work again today. What's so aggravating is that all this grief has set off a major pain cycle. I slept over 30 hours yesterday. I'm still exhausted.

Right now, allI can do i breathe as many have suggested and watching 'my' birds There's a beautiful goldfinch calling to his mate right now. Google them if you don't know what they look like. They make a particular cry when they call their mate to a safe place to eat.

I'll look into the worksheets. I have the number for my company's EAP but I haven't had the courage to call. I had a counselor once that I liked when I was married to my 2nd husband but I stopped seeing him because he brought up too many issues I didn't want to deal with at the time. I was already dealing with an abusive marriage, I couldn't do more.

Everyone has been so kind and I do appreciate it. I still just feel buried alive.

Two weeks ago, I decided to go semi-pagan. I took a photo of him, and a card that I was going to mail the day before he went into the hospital (stamped and everything) that I had poured my heart out in. I put the photo in a frying pan and read the card outloud to his face. I then took a shot of whiskey. poured a little on the card and photo and burned the lot. When it was all done and I knew the ashes were cold, I threw them into the outside. I thought maybe it would help release some grief but it didnt work. (I say semi-pagan because I know I was copying a ritual in a way but without the religious aspect)

I did write a FB letter to the one crack head yesterday telling her what I thought of her and how I blame her for some of the distance between me and my father. How her using him for money left us unable to even bury his ashes. Being that she is a crack head , I doubt it made any dent.

What I want right now folks, more than anything on this planet is my garden back. When my house was foreclosed upon and I lost it, I lost a garden that was gigantic and nothing but flowers. I literally put blood, sweat and tears into that ground and was rewarded with such incredible beauty. I would do anything to be able to go dig, weed, plant, prune, sweat, pull my back muscles, all of it.

Pot gardening is not the same.

[deleted account]

Jen, can you remind us again where you are located? You don't have to be that specific- what major city is near you? And remind us the age of your children.

---
Western New York and my son is 15.

[deleted account]

I'm very sorry for your loss and the torment you are suffering right now, Jen. I wish I could say something that could help you, but I have never been where you are now. I wish I could just hold you tight for a moment to let you cry. My thoughts are with you.

Jenny - posted on 05/29/2012

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That is interesting that it was instincutal for you :)
How sad it is years later when you realised you've destroyed your own writings, a window into your life at that past time? I've done that too, I've throwing out years worth of fictional stories that I made up.

Karla - posted on 05/29/2012

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Jenny's worksheet links didn't work for me, but I just googled "judge your neighbor worksheet" and it was the first link on google.

It's funny because that worksheet looks a lot like what I will journal when I get up set -- all the stuff that bothers me. It helps me to write it out, but then when I read it later I feel like I was being selfish. In one of my worst years I ended up destroying my journal for that year because I sounded so negative and judgmental, but that journal helped me survive.

Donna - posted on 05/28/2012

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Jen, in addition to writing letters to the descendents, why not try blogging? Getting your thoughts out is a form of therapy, the same as writing letters. I am sorry you feel so lost, upset and generally unhappy and I understand your dissatisfaction with seeing a therapist. Please know you have my thoughts and prayers.

Janice - posted on 05/28/2012

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Oh Jen, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. The death of a loved one is always difficult but even more so when you feel like there are loose ends that can never be tied up. I wish I had advise but I am still in a state of complete denial of my aunts passing over a year ago.

This may sound nuts but maybe you do need to go crazy. Scream, cry and actually break things (what, I dont know) in order to release some of your anger.

I really hope you are able to find a bit of comfort in something soon. (((hugs)))

Karla - posted on 05/28/2012

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Jen,

I think writing letters of rambling non-sense letters might be very therapeutic. You don't have to send them, just put them in a box and write the next letter. Write loving letters and angry letters, even write to your dad (if you think it would help you) and let him know how you feel. Put them all in your "I wish I could send it" therapy box.

Sometimes we go from needing to take One day at a time, to one hour at a time. Each hour make a plan for living that hour... you can do for an hour what you couldn't do for a decade, right?

More {{{hugs}}} and peace being sent to you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2012

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Keep going with all of it Jen. It is therapeutic to be physically active during time of sorrow and stress. I applaud you for doing so many things. So many people would not be able to do that in attempts to heal. I would think you are heading in the right direction. Don't give up.

Tracie - posted on 05/28/2012

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Oh my word, you poor thing! I am sending you huge hugs right now. What a painful run of events you've just endured. You are still clear headed enough to be making some very smart decisions right now (turning to your son for help, not running out and hooking up with some random man, processing your complicated feelings about your dad) so you are doing better than a lot of others.

I strongly encourage you to keep processing your feelings. It's the only way to make sense of them/heal from them. I know you said you don't like therapists, but there are so many wonderful and highly qualified people who could help. Call a grief hotline, go to a religious leader, or cry on a girlfriend's shoulder. You must remember that you are not alone and that this, too, shall pass. You are in the abyss of grief right now and it will take time and effort to climb out, but you will eventually get out (if that's what your true desire is). Please give yourself some time.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sending you healing energy.

[deleted account]

Jen, can you remind us again where you are located? You don't have to be that specific- what major city is near you? And remind us the age of your children.

And please do continue to ramble and write. it might bring a sense of peace.

Perhaps even walking every night, writing poetry, finding on-line grief support groups might help.

Dove - posted on 05/28/2012

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What's wrong with rambling nonsense? It's a start, right?

You don't need to be listening to your father's friends. It's none of their business how you did or did not handle the end of your father's life. He's YOUR father!!

I'm glad you are writing here at least and I wish I had a clue what to say to help. ♥

[deleted account]

I could never ever ever ever go inpatient. The thought is beyond terrifying. I know too much about mental health facilities and what can happen inside them. Once people think you're crazy, they can take all your freedoms away. I've seen it happen with the elderly. I also saw the movies Frances and The Snake Pit at a VERY young age the images still come to me in my dreams.


So no. I can't do that. My mother is doing her best but she doesn't know what else to do (she divorced him for very good reasons). my work is great but the time off is time unpaid and then I can't pay my rent. It's a huge viscious circle and I feel like a mouse running around inside a jar that someone keeps shaking.

My father's friends are holding their own funeral for him on June 2 (my 40th birthday) because they felt the one we had (that we coudl afford) wasn't good enough. They've even demanded that we hand over his ashes so they can bury him on their own. Not once mind you during the service, did any of them come to me and say, "Jen, I"m so sorry. How are you doing?" No, they gave me the cold shoulder the entire time because I had to step away from my dAd for a few months before he died because I couldn't take the emotional abuse any longer nor could I physically take care of him (even when he was in a facility, he'd call me all hours of the night to do things). So they blame me. They've accused us of stealing his money which isn't true. He GAVE it all to the crack whores (I have proof) but they refuse to see it. They refuse to believe that the assisted living facility found mutliple empty bottles of gin in his room which caused the falling that sent him to the hospital (he had end stage renal disease, was on dialysis and had out of control diabetes so you can image what that much booze did to him).

I'm tired of being blamed both by myself and by them. My brothers are both out of state.

I feel like I'm just being crushed. I've tried to make myself feel better. I've tried dressing up for work, make up and everything. I've changed my hair color. I've taken up knitting again. P've baked more loaves of bread in 1 week then ever before. I've played world of warcraft till the wee hours. I've taken long walks with my son until I get so overhwelmed by being outdoors. I've put up bird feeders by my patio and that seems to be the only thing to give me pleasure - watching the goldfinches and purple finches come and sing.

This past Saturday the 19th was the 5 year anniversary of my grandmother's death and that was the worst day of my life.

I thank everyone for their concern, I just dont' know what to do. I've tried writing letters but they end up rambling nonsense.

Dove - posted on 05/28/2012

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Writing in a journal or counseling would be the only ideas I could think to suggest.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and that your pain and anger make perfect sense. ♥

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/28/2012

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I am deeply saddened for you Jen. I truly see how difficult all of this is for you, I could not imagine having all of this on me at once. Please don't think you are alone. I too am in places as yourself, just not as deep or as many. I know I will hit the same road eventually, with my mother. I dread it, sometimes, I truly wish it would just happen, so I could move forward (rather than stress about it). I absolutely hate her but on the other hand want to love her. I just don't know how, without letting her in and continuing to hurt me.

I too suffer from panic attacks. It is new for me (past 8 months) and I have just been prescribed meds too, although, I fear taking them, so end up with a panic attack just thinking about putting them in my mouth (so, I rarely take them, only when my attacks are so bad, I am debilitated). I was first given clonazepam (which is klonopin, just a different name for a different Country) but it did nothing, then I was given lorazepam which made my attacks worse, so now I have been given valium. I have no idea of why I have these attacks, other than I have a lot of anxiety, for whatever reasons. It really is some scary shit. I feel like I am going to die. Get extremely dizzy, sweaty, cold chills, my arm goes numb, my throat feels like it is closing up and severe fast heart rate. So, I totally know what you are going through, with these.

I am so on board with you when it comes to counselors. I have been down that road and they have not helped me in any shed of light. They actually brought more negative out, than helping me get past it. However, I am almost at the time, where I think I should just give it another chance. I am older now and perhaps, I was not correctly understanding or utilizing the service (then again, perhaps I was but how will I know, unless I try once more). If I were you, I truly would look at speaking with a psychologist. In the least they could prescribe a medication that does not alter your mood. My doctor has stated this is the next route, since she does not want anyone becoming addicted to the "every-so-often" drugs.

I think everyone here has some great idea's. I think the most important is thinking of yourself and letting go of the rest. I know it is much easier said than done. It's just that, you are here and "he" is there. You cannot change the past, only the future. Forgiveness is a damn hard thing to do, I am one that can honestly say, it does not come easy to. So, I will not suggest forgiving but I do suggest letting go. Realizing how wonderful of a person you are and how great of a Mom you have been and are today. Your son needs you to be strong. He LOVES you. For me, really, in the scheme of things, my children's love is all I need. That is a love that has no boundaries, they will always love you (just as you do still love your Dad).

Please take the time to search your inner self and realize you are worth so much. Even if you were never told this by your father, that is on him. He fucked up. He may not have been able to admit it but I am sure, he knew it.

Take care Jen and I look forward to debating with you. You are one heck of a debater. ;)



{I just want to interject, that I have had someone state that it is like I am drunk or stoned, when on COM. So, for the record, I have never taken my meds while debating. I couldn't. Sorry for having to add this but since I gave personal info, I just don't need it coming back at me with inconsiderate insinuations.}

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/28/2012

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It makes perfect sense Jen. I am so sorry for your loss and sorrow. I am not really sure how to show you the right kind of support, but I just want you to know I am here to listen. As much as you don't want to see a therapist, it may be in your best interest to find one. I am just so sorry.

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I am really saddened to hear you go through this, and alone.



You have a lot of issues on your plate right now, and each issue needs to be sorted out individually instead of being lumped together.



Yet, all of the issues are connected that impact your daily living and work.



Even though you do not trust counselors, you may wish to consider a grief counselor. Your father passed away, and you are still holding in so much hatred, resentment, grief, and even a touch of love about his passing. A grief counselor may help guide you through the daunting task of sorting personal items, and the emotional toll of what was left behind for you: bills, a mess, a wrecked relationship.



Then perhaps another step is to seek a new mental health care provider. Someone who is not going to shove a new prescription down your thoat. Someone who will listen to your symptoms and evaluate you properly. Trust me, I am not a doctor at all (just a mere high school English teacher) but I'd venture a guess that you are simply on the verge of a major mental breakdown and perhaps- again, just athought-perhaps an in-patient treatment program might be a drastic measure to help you get through everything so that you can return to your normal life.



What kind of family or friend support do yo uhave? How close are you to your employer? How old are your children, and do they have close friends that they may be able to stay with?



Jen, I wish you all the very best for peace and clarity in your life.

Lyndal - posted on 05/28/2012

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Can you write it all in a story - just for yourself? Sometimes if you sit and start writing it down the page can be a safe place for all your feelings.
Also don't make any of his issues personally about you, or anyone else's issues. One thing I know is that people have their own path in life and will do things regardless of me. I can not control others thoughts, feelings and actions. What I can do is understand them, their character, how they behave and work around with what my own limitations and abilities are. This includes positive and negative relationships. Everyone comes with their own character.
Don't confuse your father and those experiences with your marriages, your relationship with your son or your mother, etc. Try to separate them and then deal with them one by one. That may help make it less overwhelming.
Hope that helps a little.

Louise - posted on 05/28/2012

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Yes it does make sence. You loved your dad, but felt neglected. You dont know whether to feel sad or angry. You have so many emotions to work through. I think what you need to do for you to regain your normal life is to put a stop to all this and move on. Sit and think of a happy memory of your dad, think where you were and go and scatter his ashes. Before you let them go try and say a few words. Let him know you forgive him for not being the father you wanted or deserved and let go.

You may want councelling but I think if you can do this yourself you will get much better results.

Sneaky - posted on 05/27/2012

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I've had panic attacks, they suck so bad :o( Missing and hating your dad at the same time sounds pretty normal to me actually. ((Hugs))

Karla - posted on 05/27/2012

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Oh my Jen, I'm so sorry for you loss and your grief. I truly hope you understand that you are not alone. I wish so much at times that I could have a "mom's night" with on-line friends and sit around the living room snacking and having tea (or whatever) and talking these things out in an 'old-fashioned' way.

I am tearing up for you girl. I know grief, but not to the extent you have it right now. I really believe I will be there one day, particularly when my dad passes. I don't know how to avoid it.

I wonder if you look at therapy in a different light whether it might help? I'm trying to think of it as a way to learn better habits, rather then seeking answers to my problems. Does that make sense?

I'm glad you stopped the drinking though, that can't be helpful. I feel any suggestion I make will be feeble compared to what might really help. All I can say is that I do find deep breathing exercises helpful -- 10 seconds to inhale, and 10 to exhale done 20 times. It's kind of like a breathing meditation. And I also find meditation itself to be helpful.

Also, it's okay to be angry with your dad, that is actually a normal step in the grieving process. I like a little book called "Good Grief" - it's a little too religious for me now, but it has a good outline of the normal steps in grieving. I'll see if I can find a link to it.

{{{hugs}}} and peace and love Jen!

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