Jen - posted on 05/27/2012 ( 40 moms have responded )
My father died 4/11. My aunt died 2 weeks later. Now that the funeral is over, the miniscule personal belongings sorted, i'm left on my own.
I'm having a very hard time going day to day . The 2-3 weeks after he died, I was drinking heavily each night. I stopped of my own volition but started having out of the blue panic attacks. It was like someone just started sitting on my chest, I couldnt' breathe and was so terrified for no reason. I finally called my doctor who added klonopin to my regime of morphine and trazodone. Turns out I can't work with klonopin. I ended up having a panic attack so bad on Thursday that I left work after royallly screwing up several calls. I vomited my brains out in the parking lot before going home. I'm not getting mild agoraphobia (spelling?).
It was all I could do today to go visit my mother and stop at the store. I sit here even now and feel the panic rising.
I'm so angry at my father for leaving the way he did. Now he left with no life insurance, no money at all - literally just enough to pay for the funeral costs and part of the lawyer money. The service was 2 hours, cremation, flowers and a bagpiper. My father's ashes are in my garage in the standard plastic container.
I'm not sure how much more of this i can take. I'm broke beyond measure. My son has had to talk me down from panic attacks and it's not fair to him.
I know full well that counseling is the answer but I hate therapists and do not trust them on a major scale. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD from other issues. I feel lost and alone.
I wish I could date just so I could have a man hold me just one night. I know better so I'm not and dammit, after two disastrous marriages, I don't want to take the chance and yet I do.
I'm so angry with my Dad for so manyt hings. For the times we went hungry because he spent our money at the bar, for every single school event he never came to, for forgetting that I was at a school dance and never came to pick me up (had to walk home becasue he was too drunk to rmemeber me), to so many other things. AT the end he literally preferred the compnay of Jerry Springer Reject Crack heads over his own family. He never respected me. He ran a geneology family website and kept "accidentally" taking down any photos of me after I gained all the weight. This happened 'accidentally' 5 times yet my skinny photos remained.
Yet I miss him so much sometimes. I dont' know why. Does that make any sense to anyone?