Guilt about living far away from family

JL - posted on 07/06/2009

I am a military wife so we move around a lot and are often far from family and I understand how you feel because my kids are also the only grandchildren on both sides and that is how it will remain so I get the guilt trips, but ultimtately I think if you are happy about where you are at then that is what is best for your child because you being happy will reflect upon his life making his life all the better.



As long as he knows that he has grandparents that love him more than life its self and want to have a relationship with him as much as possible then all will be well. I let my kids talk on the phone a lot with their grandparents even though my youngest cannot carry on a conversation he is able to recognize their voices and connect it to his grandparents. Plus I show my kids pics a lot to help them identify with their relatives and when we visit or they visit we make a big deal out of it and let them spend as much alone time together as possible to help build a connection and maintain it. With age he will understand better. My daughter who is now 6 despite distance has a very close bond with her grandparents.



And I have the same feelings even if my hubby was not in the military I could not live where my parents live it is just not where I would be happy.

Esther - posted on 07/06/2009

Quoting Joy:

[ ] Esther, I know it's not the same, only getting 4-6 visits a year from your family. Not being able to just drive to their house. But you are doing the thing that life is all about....finding a place that makes you happy and carving your notch in this world. Look at it this way, you have a great place to take your son to visit...and your family gets to come to the States to see you as well. Best of both worlds....even though I know it's hard not having them right around the corner....sorry if I'm not much help. I'm in a "find the silver lining" mood lately. :)

Thanks Joy! Your "silver lining" take on the situation does help. For me and my husband I really think we are in the place we should be and even though I sometimes miss having my family near, in this virtual world where you can so easily pick up a phone, turn on a webcam, send an email, chat online etc. I really never feel homesick. I just worry that I'm depriving my son of an extended family and that I'm depriving my parents of their grandson. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure my husband and I would be miserable if we moved back.

Joy - posted on 07/06/2009

My aunt & uncle, who are basically my parents, live 2 and a half hours south of me, in West Palm Beach and we rarely see them. Maybe 4-5 times a year. This is mostly because my husband only gets Sundays off and so he needs the car for work the other six days. Also, my aunt & uncle are 80 & almost 82, so travelling for them is getting harder and harder. The rest of my family is sprinkled out accross the country. Neither of my brothers have ever met my son, but because I send so many pictures I am guaranteed they could each pick him out in a crowd lol Our friends are great, very supportive, but they have their own lives...their own children, etc. So as far as having help with Jacob it's pretty much just myself and my husband. Steve's family lives in upstate NY and they have been down twice each in the 20 months since Jacob was born. Steve's dad is actually coming down again at the end of August. We're moving to NY in February of next year, because I feel so guilty that Jacob doesn't really "know" anyone in his family outside of Mommy & Daddy.



Esther, I know it's not the same, only getting 4-6 visits a year from your family. Not being able to just drive to their house. But you are doing the thing that life is all about....finding a place that makes you happy and carving your notch in this world. Look at it this way, you have a great place to take your son to visit...and your family gets to come to the States to see you as well. Best of both worlds....even though I know it's hard not having them right around the corner....sorry if I'm not much help. I'm in a "find the silver lining" mood lately. :)

Esther - posted on 07/06/2009

We live in Summit, NJ (union county). Not in one of the huge mansion type houses that we have here (a modest little condo) but I do get the tree lined streets :D

Sapphire - posted on 07/06/2009

Even more jealous now! Quiet town....you must live in Bergen County on a beautiful tree lined street with lots of families & kids! I am sorry that your parents don't feel fulfilled by the pictures. I'm sure video is not the same either. But as long as you speak about his extended family abroad frequently and have pictures hung up in your home, he will know Grandma & Grandpa. When your son gets older, you can hang up a large map to indicate where you live and where your family lives. We started doing that this year: we hung up a map of the U.S. and indicated where we are in Arizona. We indicated where NJ is on the map. We have colored in the states we traveled to. We have a huge 4 foot long map of the U.S. with the states. But this is all age appropriate for my 4 year old.

Esther - posted on 07/06/2009

Quoting Sharon:

I have to say I am jealous that you are living in New York! I grew up in New Jersey and spent a lot of time in the city. I miss the city, and live in Arizona now. My entire side of the family also relocated to Arizona. But my MIL remains in NJ. Unfortunately, she can only afford to fly out here once a year, and every other year we fly back to NJ. There's not much in the way of guilt. It is what it is due to circumstances. We send pictures often and my son can talk to Grandma on the phone every Sunday. Now that my son is writing more, I'll have him wrote notes and I'll mail them. You can only do so much to please your parents. Good luck!

I love New York too!!! It's such a great place. I work right on Times Square. We too live in NJ though. As much as I love the city and being there 5 days a week, I also like the quiet that my NJ town offers me.

Pictures don't seem to cut it for my parents unfortunately. I send pictures almost every day but it's never good enough it seems. I hope that things will get easier as my son gets older and he can call them and write them notes (as you said) and he will be able to build a relationship with them. Right it always takes him a few hours to warm up to them again because he can't really remember them from the last trip (although that seems to be coming now). It's tough.

Esther - posted on 07/06/2009

Quoting Sharon:

I have to say I am jealous that you are living in New York! I grew up in New Jersey and spent a lot of time in the city. I miss the city, and live in Arizona now. My entire side of the family also relocated to Arizona. But my MIL remains in NJ. Unfortunately, she can only afford to fly out here once a year, and every other year we fly back to NJ. There's not much in the way of guilt. It is what it is due to circumstances. We send pictures often and my son can talk to Grandma on the phone every Sunday. Now that my son is writing more, I'll have him wrote notes and I'll mail them. You can only do so much to please your parents. Good luck!

I love New York too!!! It's such a great place. I work right on Times Square. We too live in NJ though. As much as I love the city and being there 5 days a week, I also like the quiet that my NJ town offers me.

Pictures don't seem to cut it for my parents unfortunately. I send pictures almost every day but it's never good enough it seems. I hope that things will get easier as my son gets older and he can call them and write them notes (as you said) and he will be able to build a relationship with them. Right it always takes him a few hours to warm up to them again because he can't really remember them from the last trip (although that seems to be coming now). It's tough.

Sapphire - posted on 07/06/2009

I have to say I am jealous that you are living in New York! I grew up in New Jersey and spent a lot of time in the city. I miss the city, and live in Arizona now. My entire side of the family also relocated to Arizona. But my MIL remains in NJ. Unfortunately, she can only afford to fly out here once a year, and every other year we fly back to NJ. There's not much in the way of guilt. It is what it is due to circumstances. We send pictures often and my son can talk to Grandma on the phone every Sunday. Now that my son is writing more, I'll have him wrote notes and I'll mail them. You can only do so much to please your parents. Good luck!

Cathelijn - posted on 07/06/2009

I am from Tilburg, my husband was born in the Gambia ( africa) but his whole family is here but my family has actually seen Isabelle more then they have.

They keep telling me to come for the weekends but I really can't be asked to travel with her on my own for like a 3 day weekend, I know it is only a short trip but I hate travelling..

I just think it is hard for them to except that I live here now this is my home, I don't think i could ever live in Holland again either. Not only does my husband speak no dutch, when i went there a few months a go people kept starting at Isabelle being mixed race and calling her a coloured baby... Here in London everyone is pretty openminded and no one really looks at here differently and there are lots of other mixed race kids ( and couples) around... for the moment I am staying right here :-)

Esther - posted on 07/06/2009

Quoting Cathelijn:

Ow I have no wisdom but I know what you mean! My family is also in The Netherlands and I live here in London( not even that far) and since I have had Isabelle they HATE it. Every time I have some days off from work they want me to come ''home''. Especially my grandma's everytime me and isabelle go to Holland and we have to leave they will say ow we might never see you again.. ( yay to postive thinking :-)) I understand especially because she is the first grandchild in both sides of the family so they love to see her. But I always tell them to come and see me but they never do I always have to go there. Now my brother is moving here as well so maybe they will come a bit more often to see us. Ow and we use the webcam a lot I just put it on and let Isabelle play in front of it they love it!

BTW esther where you from in Nederland??

My son's daycare has a webcam and we have set up accounts for both sets of grandparents as well so they can watch him there every day. We also have our own website where we post tons of pictures & videos on there for them to see. With my mom that often just triggers more lamenting about him being so far away though. They visited us for Memorial Day and after they left my son asked for Opa & Oma every day. We would just tell him they were in Holland now and he didn't care either way. He was just asking. I thought my mom would find that cute but it triggered another "See! You live too far away" vent.

My husband grew up in Alkmaar and I grew up in Heiloo (just outside of Alkmaar). We were high school sweethearts. Where are you from?

Esther - posted on 07/06/2009

Quoting Cathelijn:

Ow I have no wisdom but I know what you mean! My family is also in The Netherlands and I live here in London( not even that far) and since I have had Isabelle they HATE it. Every time I have some days off from work they want me to come ''home''. Especially my grandma's everytime me and isabelle go to Holland and we have to leave they will say ow we might never see you again.. ( yay to postive thinking :-)) I understand especially because she is the first grandchild in both sides of the family so they love to see her. But I always tell them to come and see me but they never do I always have to go there. Now my brother is moving here as well so maybe they will come a bit more often to see us. Ow and we use the webcam a lot I just put it on and let Isabelle play in front of it they love it!

BTW esther where you from in Nederland??

My son's daycare has a webcam and we have set up accounts for both sets of grandparents as well so they can watch him there every day. We also have our own website where we post tons of pictures & videos on there for them to see. With my mom that often just triggers more lamenting about him being so far away though. They visited us for Memorial Day and after they left my son asked for Opa & Oma every day. We would just tell him they were in Holland now and he didn't care either way. He was just asking. I thought my mom would find that cute but it triggered another "See! You live too far away" vent.

My husband grew up in Alkmaar and I grew up in Heiloo (just outside of Alkmaar). We were high school sweethearts. Where are you from?

Cathelijn - posted on 07/06/2009

Ow I have no wisdom but I know what you mean! My family is also in The Netherlands and I live here in London( not even that far) and since I have had Isabelle they HATE it. Every time I have some days off from work they want me to come ''home''. Especially my grandma's everytime me and isabelle go to Holland and we have to leave they will say ow we might never see you again.. ( yay to postive thinking :-)) I understand especially because she is the first grandchild in both sides of the family so they love to see her. But I always tell them to come and see me but they never do I always have to go there. Now my brother is moving here as well so maybe they will come a bit more often to see us. Ow and we use the webcam a lot I just put it on and let Isabelle play in front of it they love it!



BTW esther where you from in Nederland??

Cathy - posted on 07/06/2009

Quoting Esther:

I should add that my mom never misses an opportunity to make me feel guilty about it either.

Mothers never miss a chance to make their grown up children feel guilty, even when they live just down the road, trust me!

Cathy - posted on 07/06/2009

Quoting Esther:

I should add that my mom never misses an opportunity to make me feel guilty about it either.

Mothers never miss a chance to make their grown up children feel guilty, even when they live just down the road, trust me!

Jenifer - posted on 07/06/2009

No wisdom to share, but I can relate! We live about 500 miles from both my family and my husband's. We see our parents maybe 2 or 3 times a year. It is pretty hard on me and my parents, since I grew up with lot and lots of extended family nearby. My husband and his parents, however, seem okay with the arrangement. His parents came to the US when he was very young, and all of his relatives are still in Scotland and Australia, so he's never had an extended family around. I tend to think that it is harder on us as parents (and the grandparents) than it is on the child. I hope I can move closer to my family eventually, but for now we share a lot of photos and phone calls.

Esther - posted on 07/06/2009

I should add that my mom never misses an opportunity to make me feel guilty about it either.

Esther - posted on 07/06/2009

I should add that my mom never misses an opportunity to make me feel guilty about it either.