Half Vent & Half Debate * Am I living in the 50's?

[deleted account] ( 145 moms have responded )

After responding to a post it was suggested that I am living in the 50's or 60's, or with that type of mentality. How could one decide that factor on one post alone? I had stated that my husband works hard and that I am a sahm and when he comes home I don't expect him to work. The 'work' I'm talking about does NOT include parenting our children. We share that responsibility 24/7. You are never 'off-duty' from being a parent. But, bc I stay at home and he works 16 hours per day (or more!) 7 days per week and I am the one with the kids and the home it is my responsibility to clean the house and take care of my children and not to leave them unbathed and the house dirty and expect him to do it when he gets home. Am I doing it specifically for him? No, I'm doing it for all of us, myself included. What kind of mother would I be to not do those things? I do it bc I'm a mom, bc I like a clean home, and yes, bc I do feel that it's my job. We're partners and while he's working and making a living for us I take care of the home and kids. He's running a business and working crazy long hours, who would really expect him to come home and bathe the kids, mop the floor, make the beds, do the laundry, etc. Being a sahm and housewife, is it not our responsibility to do those things? I know every situation is different and alot of factors play into family dynamics but in my particular situation I don't get why what I do was so scrutinized.



Thoughts?

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[deleted account]

Whole lot of nit picking and making mountains out of mole hills.What Stephanie has said has been picked apart and made out completely differently to what i feel she was trying to say.I hate to see it turn out this way..cringe reading.

Erin - posted on 05/07/2011

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** Mod Warning **

Please don't bring conflict from other threads and communities into DM guys. It never ends well. Debate the issue - the role of the working parent when the other SAH - but leave the personal stuff out of it.

Erin - DM Mod

Amie - posted on 05/08/2011

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*** MOD Alert ****

This thread is now locked. It's had two warnings posted and it still deteriorated. We appreciate the ones who tried to calm it down but it's too far gone.

Amie
~DM mod

Isobel - posted on 05/08/2011

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Ladies...come on.

Stephanie's husband is not necessarily a bad parent even if she feels alone sometimes because he works long hours.

Sarah does the hardest job on the planet.

Sharon is not a bad teacher cause she's angry on this thread.

...rough mothers day anybody?

Tara - posted on 05/08/2011

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*Mod Warning*
This thread has repeatedly been plagued by the transference of posts/comments from another thread in another group. I am posting this warning to let everyone know to stay on topic, the debate is about spousal responsibilities when one parent stays home and the other works outside of the home. Let's keep it to that without dragging comments from another thread into it. Otherwise I will lock it.
Happy Mother's Day everyone!!
:) Tara your friendly DM mod.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

145 Comments

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[deleted account]

Stephanie - law and medicine paid for by me get over it i wouldn't trade my life for yours cos yours sucks it really does go have your lunch with your dead beat husband

[deleted account]

FYI Sarah- Before I was married and had babies I went to college. I am an RN BSN and I worked LONG hours, full time plus over time. I know what it's like to go without sleep and to work hard. Oh and guess what? I paid for my education myself, too. I didn't have it handed to me. I've had nothing handed to me and have worked my ass off my entire life so now that I have children and am in the financial situation to stay at home with them, hell yes I'm going to take it.

GET OVER IT.

[deleted account]

OH and i DARE you to spend a day in my shoes..doubt you could survive the sleep deprivation

[deleted account]

OK STEPHANIE YOU HAVE REALLY OFFENDED ME! HE IS HERE HE IS WORKING I COULDN'T COPE WITH THINGS IN FACT HE HAS MY SON RIGHT NOW COS ITS HIS WEEKEND TO HAVE HIM THANK YOU VERY MUCH! HE IS PROBABLY MORE ACTIVE SINCE WE SPLIT IN MY SONS LIFE THAN YOUR HUSBAND IS RIGHT NOW.

EDIT: AND IM NOT JEALOUS I DON;'T NEED A MAN OHH AND I DO WORK HARD THREE JOBS FULL ON 7 DAYS A WEEK AND BEING A PARENT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD I WORK

[deleted account]

Sarah- Doesn't put his family first??? Let me ask you, where the fuck is your man??? I'll tell you where mine is, he's busting his ass to take care of us bc he LOVES us. It takes a good year to get a business running smoothly, not that you're smart enough to grasp a concept of hard work. I think what this comes down to is sheer jealousy. Get over it.

Isobel - posted on 05/08/2011

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and I LOVED Romeo and Juliet ♥ I'm the only high school drop out that you know who had 3 grade 13 englishes when they dropped out ;P

[deleted account]

oh and let me explain lone parenting...you're partner doesn;t come home he doesn't even share a room with you you have no friends or family or other support networks to help you at all that is parenting alone...im sure that is not your case

[deleted account]

Sharon- Thanks for the invite but no thanks. I prefer to spend my real life time with happy, positive people. Not people who twist my words and attack me for the hell of it and for their own twisted pleasure.

[deleted account]

again stephanie you're not parenting alone if your partner was willing to look after the kids you wouldn't be alone clearly he doesn't put his family first

[deleted account]

Sarah- I'm not whining about ANYTHING! Where in the hell do you get this crap? Certainly not from what I've said.

Isobel - posted on 05/08/2011

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it is also REALLY hard to be married to somebody who works crazy long hours and doesn't get to spend time with the family...let's all just hug it out ;P

[deleted account]

"My point is that you being in a class room is scary. You clearly aren't level headed and have no concept of what you read or rationalization skills. THAT is my point."

A gem of a statement :-) I whole-heartedly welcome you to spend an entire day in my classroom observing! We are finishing up Romeo & Juliet this week then moving on to writing a literary analysis. Look me up-I'm not too hard to find! I'll treat you to lunch over my 30 minute break!

[deleted account]

But I wasn't trying to minimize it and have *tried* to make that clear to her and explain what I meant. Of course I didn't mean I go through all of the struggles of an actual single mother. I just meant that right now I, parenting alone and I explained that...repeatedly, but she doesn't want to accept it.

[deleted account]

Well then stephanie what on god's earth are you whinging about? and yes Laura that's exactly the point im making

Isobel - posted on 05/08/2011

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Stephanie, since I have been in both of your positions, but I'm not right now...maybe I can explain.

Being a single mother...and slugging it out the way they do MIGHT be the hardest thing there is to do on the planet...and many single mothers take offense to other people taking it lightly.

That being said, I have also felt all alone while I was married and I know that I thought that I felt like a single mother until I found out what they really do.

Does that make sense? Sarah's hurt cause she thinks you're minimizing what being a single mother really is, and in fairness...you can't know what it is until you've done it.

Helpful?

[deleted account]

And how would you gather that? I said NOTHING like that at all, quite the oppsosite. I adore my children and love being a mother, they are all I've ever wanted and now I have them. They are perfect.
I will be happy when my husband is home more bc we love him, not bc I'm so eager for him to help me with this or that,

[deleted account]

to me you sound like you really dislike caring for your children without the support of your partner...keyword being support not alone

[deleted account]

I have never once said that I didn't like the way things are right now or that I want to change it. What I did say is that we have to make sacrifices right now to accomplish a goal, which is what we're doing.

Is it easy? No. Does it really suck some days? Yes. Does it have to be this way right now? Yes. Unless I want my husband to be miserable in the corporate rat race for the rest of his career. I'm willing to make the sacrifice for the next year and so is he.

[deleted account]

Stephanie - " said that I am a single mother right now " no you're not you have a partner. what id really like to know is if you don't like the way things are why aren't you changing it?

[deleted account]

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING!!!! Good Lord, Sarah, do you need a pill or something? I said that I am a single mother right now in that I am caring for the kids alone, not that I don't have a husband or have to work and support us or whatever. I have made myself 100% clear on that.

[deleted account]

Sarah- Again, I didn't take a shot at single working mothers ffs. I didn't take a shot at anyone. Get over it and stop trying to fight about something that just is not there.

[deleted account]

Stephanie - "By the way, our kids see their dad everyday" I don't care who you directed that at you sure as hell offended me seriously when you know what its like to be a single mum when you have to work your arse off all day then come home to children and get no sleep what-so-ever then you can speak to me

[deleted account]

Thank you Laura, yes I did mean Sharon since she was taking shots at my husband not being home.

Really, Sharon and Sarah, you just need to move on and stop this. You both attacked me on one comment that was taken out of text, that I explained 2 seconds later, yet you can't grasp that. Please just move on.

[deleted account]

Sarah- WTF are you talking about??? I'm starting to wonder if you're delerious. I didn't say anything about your son not seeing his dad. Not a thing. I don't know your life.

[deleted account]

Stephanie - my son sees his dad EVERY DAY too just because we are no longer living together doesn't mean our son suffers seriously get a grip you have no idea

[deleted account]

Laura- There is no evening. He works from 7:30-8am until 11:30 or midnight. We don't have evenings together unless he takes a day off, which at this point is rare. And if he does take a day off the last thing on our minds is household chores, etc. But he is completely hands on with the kids.

Isobel - posted on 05/08/2011

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the vast majority of single moms are struggling...there are a FEW who are not, but they are rare.

If you work all day IN the home (cleaning and taking care of the kids) and he works all day outside the home...why should the evening work not be shared?

How is it fair that I have a 24 hour a day job while my husband has an 8 hour a day job?

If it works for you, enjoy it BUT don't assume that it's my "job" to do all the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing.

Not that I think you're doing that...I'm just sayin' I hate it when OTHER people say that

[deleted account]

By the way, our kids see their dad everyday. We have lunch with him every single day. Yeah it may not be alot of time but we are trying to get in as much as we can. And it isn't going to be this way forever.

[deleted account]

My point is that you being in a class room is scary. You clearly aren't level headed and have no concept of what you read or rationalization skills. THAT is my point.

[deleted account]

What's really funny is that there are dead beat husbands and dads everywhere and here is my husband who is amazing and educated, works his ass off, left a corporate job to become self employed, is the most motivated man I've ever known. yet bc he has to spend time making that business and isn't home alot at the moment he's getting slammed for it. Get over yourself.

[deleted account]

Not that it's really your business but it's 10:45am here right now and he'll be home by noon and we're all going out. Get a life.

[deleted account]

Really Sharon, you're just being nasty for the hell of it. I didn't say anything wrong and you've twisted the hell out of it. Please just move on. And you're a school teacher??? LMFAO! Nice.

[deleted account]

So I am correct by saying you're husband is currently at the place of business? Or celebrating Mother's Day at home and spending time with the children. Just curious.

[deleted account]

Sharon- There isn't a problem so why would I need to change anything? It wasn't a complaint! It's just a fact that this happens to be the sacrifice at this time.

[deleted account]

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! FUCKING READ!!! All I said is that I'm parenting alone right now bc he's working alot at the moment. Dear God, you ladies really need to chill out. And Sarah, one sentence you're saying how hard it is and the next it's "I don't suffer....don't you dare say I suffer". Come on. Choose an angel and stick with it. You're being throwing shit out there just for the sake of argument and it's ridiculous.

[deleted account]

Of course you praise your husband and what he provides for your family! I'll praise my husband too: he's the mailman that delivers your mail. But if you are parenting alone, then he IS, for the most part, an absentee father/husband. Of course I read your posts and sadly shake my head. I know exactly what I write, thank you very much. If you parent alone, and you have a husband, then do something to change that situation!



ETA: Yeah...I guess I talk out my ass....that's a strange feeling.

[deleted account]

Sharon- You have no right to judge me or my husband. Again I will repeat that I said "What I mean is that I am parenting alone for the most part, not that I suffer as an actual single mother would."
My husband's priorities ARE with his family. If they were not he wouldn't be working so hard to make a business from the ground up. Is he going to always be gone this much? NO. But right now he has to be. Way to judge and talk out of your ass. Move on. Clearly you're just wanting to attack someone.

[deleted account]

Stephanie - i dont really suffer... financially maybe but money isn't everything don't you dare say we suffer we are strong independent women. you do NOT belong in a single parent category and if it's too hard why don't you tell him so or simply give away your kids if its THAT hard. I have read what you said and you are NOT a single mother you are now where near parenting ALONE. if you don't like your situation you and YOU ONLY have the power to change it

[deleted account]

WTF??? CLEARLY you have read NOTHING. I have been singing his praises throughout this entire thread. You have NO idea what you're saying. I suppose I'll have to repeat myself yet again to say "What I mean is that I am parenting alone for the most part, not that I suffer as an actual single mother would."

[deleted account]

Well, Stephanie, when you make the statement "By all accounts, I am a single mother right now." , you are putting yourself into a category of mothers in which you don't belong.
You are not a single mom, and I'm not too sure of the struggles you have with child raising. Perhaps your husband should read what you what you write about feeling like a single mother raising your kids by yourself. Maybe it will prompt him to re-evaluate his working hours and prioritize his family. I understand that he is a business owner, but clearly his hours per week is at the business. Perhaps if he is not an absentee father/husband you won;t feel like a single mom.

[deleted account]

Sarah- Try reading the entire post before passing judgement. That's not at all what I meant and I have explained AND over explained.

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