Having friends without children? Can it work?

Christina - posted on 05/02/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My husband and I had our first child December 2011. My best friend has no children and is engaged to be married. We have always been on different pages and in different stages of our life but it has never interfered before. Now that my son is here we barely speak. I have other friends who do not have children and they come over all the time and have no issues. My BFF does live about two hours away from me but that has NEVER been an issue before. We would e-mail and talk on the phone. Her parents live by me and when she would come visit them she would come visit me. Now she comes home and visits another one of our friends who does not have children. How do you make it work? Is this the end of our friendship?

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Krista - posted on 05/02/2012

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She might just not know when a good time is to call you. I know when I had no kids, I was always reluctant to call my friends with kids, because there never seemed to be a good time.

Why don't you drop her an email and say, "I miss you, and miss our chats. I'm usually free to talk anytime after 9pm (or whatever) during the week. Can I call you Wednesday?"

If she's your best friend, then it's worth fighting for the friendship. Be open and honest with her. Tell her your concerns -- that you being in different stages of your life will drive a wedge between you. Make sure she knows how much she means to you. Your friendship will probably change and evolve a bit, but if you both put in effort, you should be okay.

Elfrieda - posted on 05/02/2012

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It is possible, but I think it's harder when the kids are young. I'm still very close to my sister and one of my childless friends, we chat about things and I try not to talk ONLY about my son, and ask what's going on in their lives, etc. But my cousin who desperately wishes she had children is a bit more awkward to be around, it seems like I can accidentally send her into a depression by doing things like getting pregnant, kissing my son, etc. It's sad but not really my fault. It's quite upsetting because we were much closer when we lived in different provinces and wrote letters to each other every other week.

If she's your best friend, make an effort. Tell her you wish you had more time to devote to your friendship the way you used to, but you just don't have a lot of spare time these days and you are using some of it to call her! Then ask her about her wedding plans and what she's doing this summer and try not talking about your children for the next few times you talk to her. (Think about it and collect un-child-related stories that you can tell as you go through your week because I know personally it's an effort not to talk about the most absorbing thing going on in my life right now, my toddler, so I have to make the effort to notice other things going on that I know will interest my sister.)

If not talking about your child doesn't work, maybe it's not about you. Maybe she's having trouble with her fiance and doesn't want to talk about it.

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Terina - posted on 05/05/2012

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i dont think its the end of your feindship, im in a similar position my best frind and i have been best buds since were were and now im 29 almost 30 so thats a real long time to that good a friends with somene, i too feel though weve always been close weve alwayskind of been on diffrent pages, she was thereat my 1st borns birth and had been a important person in my sons life he even called her aunty. got married an she was my maid of honor , since then i had another pregnancy which unfortunatly didnt work out , i found althugh she had sympathy she couldnt relate and she what felt like had somehwhat relaxed approach to it , i since then had my daughter and although she loves my kids i have found its alomost like she gets bored of being with me , like wherver we go it has to have toilets near by because of the kids, has to be kid friendly for obvious reasons, and if we go out we like to be back for the kids bedtime and if we EVER go out without our kids its so few and far between were not fist choice anymore, so i really dont think your loosing her friendship its your priorities have changed and rightly so, your friend one day may see that . when you have kids your life does change its not all nights on the town and just `popping out ' maybe your friend already realises that so is in a way giving you breathing space to be mum , after all what i did 5 years ago used to take a couple of hours now it takes all day , dont take it personally and also theres a saying.... real friends may not talk for months but when they do they will talk as if it were only yesterday and pick up where thay left off. x all the best good friends are hard to come by x

Christina - posted on 05/05/2012

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Thanks guys. First up on the list is trying to call her a little more. I am pretty respectful and I try not to talk about kids or childbirth when we do speak, but things are strained between us. I guess in time we will find out which way this relationship is going.

Sal - posted on 05/02/2012

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My best friend and I have been friends for longer than I have been a mum, we met at uni in that time I have married had 3 kids she has travelled the world our friendship has changed and evolved over time but we are still great friends, yes it can work if if is a true friend and it takes both of you to be open and willing to make the friendship work

Stifler's - posted on 05/02/2012

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You make it work by being flexible. Not expecting people to only go to your house and visit you or only go to kid friendly places. I have kids and I get pissed off with people with kids who can't leave their house or do anything without their kids.

Lady Heather - posted on 05/02/2012

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I dont know. My best friend lives 8 hours away and the only thing that changed for us is that she comes here more than I go there because it's easier for her. She loves my kids and they love her.

[deleted account]

I have childless friends that have become closer since having I had my children and ones that haven't even met my children (my son is 2 1/2 yo, my daughter almost a year). Honestly I didn't push anyone to spend time with us, but if they wanted to spend time with me often my children have to be there too (I'm a sahm so my hubby works incredibly hard to support us).
There are friends who I thought would be interested and they was at first but the novelty wore off, one in particular got pregnant just before me (with my second pregnancy) I thought it would bring us closer but it hasn't, even though we both had girls (her twins) within 6 weeks of each other, after trying for over a year I moved on and focused on my better friends.

I compensated for my lost friends by making new ones, I went to every baby group going to see if my son liked it and if the people were nice I talked to lots of mums and have made a few great friendships, which I can see lasting years :-)


With your friend I would email her asking what her problem is, you never know she could be having fertility issuesvor something (I know I didn't want to be around newborns when I thought I was infertile, it hurts like hell). There isva world of reasons ask her and if she values your friendship she'll tell you, if she doesn't it's probably the natural end of the friendship!

[deleted account]

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I had some difficulties with friends after having my son and they are all still generally in my life, we are just not as close because we are at such different points in our lives. My close friends have kids. If your friend isn't willing to meet you halfway in your friendship it might be time to move on but first try talking to her to find out what's going on

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