'He's fine!'

Merry - posted on 06/17/2011 ( 53 moms have responded )

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Straying off of the 'ignore it' thread, my personal favorite unwelcome advise is the people who always tell me, oh he's fine, when Eric gets hurt.
Why does everyone think it's good to try to down play a child who got hurt?
I mean I understand sometimes he isn't really hurt bad, but he could be scared, startled, embarrassed, etc and if he's crying he is NOT 'fine'!
I always ignore those comments and attend to him. Now it's not like I go over all hysterical and coddle the heck out of him, if I can tell he isn't really injured I'll just give him a hug and ask what's wrong, what happened etc.
I want him to know his feels matter!
And just because he's a boy he does not have to be tough and not cry.
Seriously he's a toddler, he's allowed to cry!

Do you think it's emotionally damaging to acknowledge your child when they cry even if they aren't seriously hurt? Or is it more damaging to downplay their tears and tell them to toughen up.

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Erin - posted on 06/17/2011

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I usually respond with 'I think you'll be ok' if I know it's nothing serious. I am still acknowledging her feelings without reacting to what I know to be a minor incident. Having an early talker means she can tell me exactly what happened, in detail. There's no risk of me downplaying something major in this house.. she'll tell me! LOL

I don't think it's a great idea to dismiss a child's feelings completely. As an adult, it irritates me to no end when people do that, so why would I do it to a 2yo? But it's also important to allow the child to decide how they feel about a situation without our input. If I jump and run and make a fuss over every little thing, she is not getting a chance to do that.

Sara - posted on 06/17/2011

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I always ask my girls what happened. And if they aren't really hurt I ask them if they're going to be ok. If they say yes, then I tell them they can stop crying and go play again. In my experience it needs to be addressed but if you play it up too much they will over react to the slightest thing. My girls know they can tell me about their owies and we'll figure out if they're really hurt and need more than just kisses or if kisses are just fine.

Sarah - posted on 06/17/2011

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I kind of ignore them I guess. If I can see they're not really hurt, then I usually say something like "Whoops a daisy! Up you get!" I don't think I'm teaching them that their feelings don't matter, more that sometimes in life it's best to pick yourself up and dust yourself off without having a fit about it.

I'm not always going to be there to kiss it better and make everything better, I think they need to learn (within reason) that at times, you have to deal with these things yourself.

Dana - posted on 06/17/2011

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Eh, I actually fall into the "He's fine" category with my own son. I've always kept my eye on him so I know when he's gotten hurt and if it's bad. More often than not he would look to me to see if he needed to freak out, so I didn't, and neither did he. Now at (almost) 3 he only reacts if he's truly hurt and then of course I comfort him.



So, I may get why some people say, "Oh he's fine". I see moms constantly babying their kids when they don't need to. I think it only teaches them to have a freak out over nothing, half the time.

Jessi - posted on 06/19/2011

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i was at a friends house watching her daughter and my son while she was getting ready. her daughter cracked her head on her play table and started crying; I looked at her and told her she was fine and she stopped crying just like that. my friend called down asking what happened so i told her (keep in mind she wasn't even crying at this point), she came running down the stairs and grabbed her and said "my poor baby" and guess who started crying again.

if people would just stop coddling their kids every time they get a scrape!

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Jessica - posted on 06/20/2011

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*off topic* Ever turned around (when you are still within the kiddos reach) and turned around only to find like five women fawning over YOUR kid and touching YOUR kid? "helpful" isn't exactly the word I would use for complete strangers who like to be in your business...

Merry - posted on 06/20/2011

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Aren't well meaning parents annoying sometimes :) it's hard cuz I know they mean well and I'm grateful they care, but it's so hard when they contradict what I'm trying to do or teach my kid! Lol, I just smile, say thanks, and move on. But yeah it's rough sometimes. Eric likes to run around when we go out, and I usually just follow him if I'm in no hurry but everyone always stops him and is all concerned like where is your mom? I'm like five steps behind him so I'm not out of sight but I don't stay on his heels. Even when I say I am his mom they give me weird looks sometimes cuz I look so young, like they think I'm a bad mom for not being right by his side. I mean seriously if I can see him in the store I don't need to be all up in his business!

Jessica - posted on 06/20/2011

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*sigh of relief* whew. Glad to know my kid isn't the only balls to the wall (so to speak) bumper kid. He rarely cries so when he does I usually find the beginnings of a light bruise (glad he doesn't bruise like I did!). I too was once a heart attack inducing bumper kid... so I don't think its just boys.... and our youngest... seems more "cling onto mommy for dear life and use brain to explore" so... yeah. I know I will be kissing MORE boo boo on him because he is the sensitive kiddo. My philosophy will always be that when they cry I kiss it and check to see they are OK. FAKE crying (my kids are WAY too obvious when they do this... even the six month old is starting the faker cry), gets a check(because I am scared to death of hearing it wrong) and a "your fine" and when the real cry is answered I say "All better." After I kiss it. If a different technique is needed later on then I will cross that bridge later on. my kids need me NOW. I will only get stressed out and grumpy if I agonize over that. And I have the opposite problem. When we go out, OTHER moms try to coddle Rowan FOR me. He falls on his butt and I have to tell at least ONE person not to pick him up because he will get back up (and this is without tears and when he is obviously fine). I see more of that than anything else. I just hold my head up high and put my foot down. If he needs me I am here so back off.

Kimberly - posted on 06/20/2011

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there was a time i destroyed my kid with every one saying he is fine. i was listening to every one else thinking this is my first kid i have no idea what i am doing. i tell you what i have revised my way of thinking and i go to him. and since i figured out my problem and do what i feel is right. and my kid couldnt be happier.

[deleted account]

Stephanie my son has been known to throw himself head first off the sofa onto the floor - he finds it a hilarious way to spend a few minutes until mommy tells him to stop - we just figured he was a typical boy :-)

Kimber - posted on 06/20/2011

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Hello well i think that you did the right thing. You went to make sure that he was okay for sure! I think that is what a good momma should do. I mean how would you really know for sure if he was hurt,or something else was going on with him if you did not go check on him! That is what i do with my 3 year old,and he seems to cry all of the time! But just got to make sure that he is okay!

Amanda - posted on 06/20/2011

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I have accident kids, I am always saying "you are fine!". I have no issues with someone telling me my child is fine, they are only trying to help out.



Yesterday my 3 year old was at the park, she knocked her leg pretty hard on the play ground. She looked up and said "Aww I hurt mommy". I said you are fine with a smile on my face. Man the dirty looks I got from some mothers, but you know what? She went right back to playing for another hour, why? Because she was fine! Children get hurt, and children need to learn to self soothe. Funny how mothers are all about teaching children to self soothe at extremely young ages (IMO) for sleep, but baby their toddlers/young children for years over boo boo's. I agree their feelings matter, but children also need to be taught to learn how to control their own emontions as well, because in the real world mommy cant always be there to hug and kiss you when you arent feeling well. Under the age of 2 I always kiss all boo boos, but after 2 its time to toughen up a little bit.

Jessica - posted on 06/20/2011

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I have a "bumper kid". I about have an inner heart attack every five seconds... but I await his reaction and sometimes he walks over and I kiss it (he is a toddler and wants to know that even though it isn't a BIG owe that it is still worth kissing... just because he asked). Then he goes and falls on his but of slams into the wall and falls down.... before laughing hysterically (anybody Else's kid do that or is their something wrong their...?!). BIG owe's get crying and them mommy comes over, makes sure nothing serious is wrong, and then kissed it, tickles him, and tells him he'll be OK. As for the more dangerous adventures he has tried, I simply explain a hospital and what he would have to do if X happened and Y was done for it (as simple and non scary as possible.... just make it "not fun")... and then I tell him how sad and worried it would make me and he doesn't do it again (removing plug covers to play with plugs... climbing on the bookcase-is worse than it sounds.... just general big stuff that he doesn't understand is bad in his adventurous mind yet)... for about a week.

Jessi - posted on 06/19/2011

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i only react when something clearly looks like it hurt. like a few minutes prior to her cracking her head on the table, she tripped over her mess of toys and got a wooden block to the eye/cheek bone area...that drew some blood.

April - posted on 06/19/2011

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i always run straight to my son but i am very careful not to have a worried look on my face. i always pick him up and ask him if he is okay and i'll ask him to show me where the boo boo is.



i do give him a lot of attention whether he is hurt or not, but it hasn't affected him negatively. if anything, it's helped him with his language skills. i think it is important to be able to say what happened, how it happened and to point out where you're hurt.



not only does it help the child think about things, but sometimes you think you saw the whole incident but when things happen fast, you can miss things. i saw my son fall in my peripheral vision when i had my back turned for 2 seconds. he landed on his belly, but apparently he hit his head too. i didn't think he hit his head so I didn't ask, but he was able to tell me all the places he was hurt (he DID have a bump on his head). anyway, the point is it's good to get kids to talk about what happened. it's helpful to mom and child both.

Katherine - posted on 06/18/2011

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My first post.

No it's NOT ok to say he/she is fine! I can't stand that either. When my cousin's kid was little she fell off of a chair he said, "Oh, she's fine." Yeah ok she just fell off a freakin adult chair and she's 12mo. Jerk.

I always tend to my kids even if it's small. I don't make a huge deal but I kiss it to make it better.

Now if it's major well of course I'll coddle a bit and preen.

Otherwise sure they're "ok."

[deleted account]

I like many of the moms here wait to see how he is going to react before I do, more often than not he will pop back up with a laugh or a look of 'did you see THAT mom?' (often very impressed with himself and looking to try again), with those I tell him to watch where he is going or to be careful and leave it at that.

Again like many other moms I when he does cry though, I know whether he has hurt himself by his cry, now when he cries I always attend to him BUT I attend to his needs depending on his cry. So if he has hurt himself I tend to his injury (I always ask where he has hurt) kiss it better, put a plaster on it, put some cool water on or whatever it requires; when he has scared himself I soothe him, I tell him he is OK mummy is here and let him decide when he is OK enough to go off and play again - usually a couple of miuntes; when he cries because he is tired I kiss his poorly (again I ask where he has hurt) and I hug him and tell him he is OK.

When he has hurt himself I ask him if he is OK after I have 'fixed' him, however when he hasn't really hurt himself and is just tired I say your OK little man mummy kiss it better, off you go and when he really over reacts to nothing I tell him we'll have to chop it off (whatever he is insisting he has hurt) that usually gets a giggle.

I do feel though that it is one thing to say my kid is fine I would never insist another child was although I may if the parent hadn't seen the accident/ incdent tell them that it wasn't that bad, but if their child is crying the parent is the one who decides what is appropriate reaction to them.

Sniper - posted on 06/18/2011

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that was cute. my daughter is 8 and very much a "drama queen" as well...lol...i always joke with her and say "you would never have survived my childhood......." lol.... now like others have said I KNOW by the scream or cry. I want her to be able to be a little rough around the edges and not cry over a simple scratch. I will still go to her and check and make sure she is okay and give her a hug / kiss. However there have been times I told her to quit being such a barbie.....she has never (knock on wood) been in a serious accident or I should say got hurt really bad. I have been blessed with that. When you said drama queen I had to respond......that was cute. You and your family have a great day.

Amber - posted on 06/18/2011

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I always wait to see what he's going to do first, unless I can tell that it's going to be bad before he even reacts. If he's right in front of me, I'll move quickly to try and catch him first-it's an instant reaction.

Now that he's 4, he likes to be dramatic sometimes :) There is currently a running joke in our house that we'll have to "do surgery" on it if it hurts that bad. That's only when I know he's not hurt and it's been a 3-4 minutes...so basically when he's milking it even though he's being cuddled. He'll look at me with his mouth open, say "NO!" then giggle and run away. Now, sometimes he'll pop right up after falling and say "No surgery this time :)" It's pretty funny.

Krista - posted on 06/18/2011

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I'll sometimes pull out "You're fine.", but more on occasions when he's fallen and scared himself more than hurt himself. But I WILL acknowledge his feelings and will usually say something like, "It's okay, bud. You didn't hurt anything. It scared you though, didn't it?" And he'll nod, and I'll give him a hug and tell him to be careful, and off we go.

Ashley - posted on 06/18/2011

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If my daughter (16 months) is crying about it I will ask her if she is ok, she will usually tell me yes or no, and then I ask her if she got a boo boo and then she'll tell me the same thing and I ask her if she needs a huggie and a kissie and then I give her one and then she goes about her way. I can tell the difference between her OMG I'm really hurt cry and the I just want some loving cuz I'm embarrassed cry. If she 'hurts' herself and just whines or doesn't say anything I just tell her to brush it off and she does and then she goes off and running again. :) But I don't run to her for every little thing. She's tough and independent and likes to do things for herself, so I take the chances when she gets her boo boos to give her hugs and love ;)

[deleted account]

No, i would not down play it.I always make there feelings validated, i always tend to my kids.If you don't like it tough.There not yours.This is how we roll lol :-P

Jenni - posted on 06/18/2011

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I always acknowledge when my child is hurt and give a hug and ask if they are ok. But I try not to overly coddle them for a fall and small scrape. I think if I make it out to be worse than it actually is, it will actually make it worse in their minds than it actually is. I may, inadvertantly, be causing more fear for them than is actually necessary.
So I usually respond to (minor injuries) as: Are you ok? (in a calm concerned voice).
Do you want a hug?
Ok. All better now. Let's walk it off.

Merry - posted on 06/18/2011

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Tara I agree, I know when he's fine, but I hate it when others tell me he's fine! It's like let me be the judge of wether or not he's fine.
Usually I wait to see if he's ok, I look away when he falls cuz if I'm looking at him when he falls he will cry more, so I look away if I see it's a minor fall or injury, if he cries I look back at I'm and say oh what happened? Do you need a kiss? If he says yes I say come over here and I'll kiss it. Then I kiss it and say ok all better!
I never over react or make a bug fuss, but if he wants a kids or a hug I'm not going to deny him and say you're fine.

Teresa - posted on 06/18/2011

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I always acknowledge my little ones hurts whether they are emotional or physical. I want him to know I care no matter how small the hurt.

Tara - posted on 06/18/2011

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Well... if Riley wipes falls down or bumps his head etc. and he hasn't cried, but might I am the one who says "You're fine!"
This is is his cue to carry on with whatever he is doing, if he really isn't fine, he will cry or come to me, and I will cuddle him, kiss his booboo etc.
I also say "you're fine!" to one of the other kids if they happen to get tripped by the dog, etc. I will only say it if I actually see the injury, if I know how minor it really is.
I don't tell other people their kid is fine though, that's their call to make not mine.
But I know my kids cries and whimpers etc. and I DO know when he is "fine" opposed to when he is not.
It has nothing to do with him being a boy either. When my 6 year old was about 2 she would yell "I'm fine!!" when she wiped out or fell down. It was her way of letting me know she was A-Okay and didn't need my help.

Mary - posted on 06/18/2011

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I'm like Loureen; I wait a few seconds to see what her response is before I react. If she's upset, I comfort her, but I don't move to do so unless she is expressing distress. If she falls, but immediately gets up and moves on, I usually say nothing more than "slow down", "be careful", or "look where you're going". I can tell if it's bad, because her typical response to a bad fall is about 30 seconds of absolute dead silence, followed by a scream that could rouse the dead. I move to her the instant that silence begins. She's not a drama queen when it comes to falls and such, and reserves her tears for a true "ouchie". I believe that is part her nature, and part my lack of overreaction to every tumble and mishap.

Charlie - posted on 06/18/2011

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If they are crying I take a moment to comfort them , acknowledge their feelings and then help them off to play but I usually wait a minute before jumping up to see what their reaction is ...sometimes if you jump up before they hit the groud they just start crying because its been made into a bigger deal then it is but I hate it when a kid hurts themselves badly and people say "harden up " or "your ok"

[deleted account]

If they cry I don't think it takes more than a moment to acknowledge that they may be hurt.

Yesterday it was child sitting on balloon... balloon go bang... child cries...quick hug with "you're ok but if you sit on them they go bang" ... and then I returned to what I was doing.

If they don't cry I don't react. If they cry after slightly hurting themselves doing something I told them not to do then my reaction tends to be "I told you so, get over it"!

Sherri - posted on 06/17/2011

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Sometimes yes. I always give it a minute or two before I even acknowledge it. If they can shake it off and go on great, if they really are hurt and need me that is okay. However, I try and follow their lead. If they truly need me they will let me know without me jumping every time. Most times they can work it out for themselves because it is just a minor thing.

Kate CP - posted on 06/17/2011

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My daughter used to fall down and then look at me for a reaction. So I'd sit and wait and if she was really hurt I'd go to her and comfort her. But must of the time she shrugs it off and keeps going. Kids are made of rubber. *shrug*

Stifler's - posted on 06/17/2011

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No but often kids play up on falling over. When Logan falls over it more often than not has just hurt his ego and we tell him he's okay and kiss it better and he runs off. When someone is like OH POOR LOGEY BEAR he cries harder to get attention.

Amie - posted on 06/17/2011

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If they're not bleeding, broken or unconscious - they're fine. If they're upset because another child is being (excuse the language) a little dickhead - well then they talk to me and depending on the situation, I may need to talk to the parent.

For the most part, I let my kids deal on their own. They're doing pretty well so far and I have yet to see mine have a full on fit because of a scratch. Sometimes they do too well though, my son recently broke his wrist. He was crying because it hurt. He sat with an ice pack for awhile, got a hug, then wanted out again. He said he was fine, so we let him. He woke up the next morning with a swollen hand and wrist. We found out that morning that it was broken - I felt like an ass but he was fine. lol

Sarah - posted on 06/17/2011

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I do that too Sara!

I kinda shout in an excited way "Wow! That was a good fall! hahaha!" Often they just forget all about it.

[deleted account]

I started clapping and cheering when my kid falls, so she gets all excited, jumps up and runs off playing. If she actually cries I know she's hurt. I don't know if this tactic is 'right' but I can pretty much guarantee that when she cries she's hurt or very scared by that particular fall.

Sarah - posted on 06/17/2011

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Cadence is EXACTLY the same Jodi!!

You've never heard a scream quite like it when she thinks she's hurt herself!

Once, she really had hurt herself, but I ignored her because I thought she was pulling her usual screaming over a paper cut type thing. I then had to explain that I was sorry, but that's what you get for over reacting all the time.......people tend to stop believing you! She's actually been a bit better since then.

Jodi - posted on 06/17/2011

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Is it bad that when my 13 year old gets hurt playing rugby and complains about a graze on his knee I look at him and say "You'll live. You chose to play a rough sport, deal with it..."? Maybe I am just hoping beyond hope that he might choose a sport where I don't watch a kid break a bone every week.....:\ Now if he BROKE something, of course I'd pay attention. But a graze? meh.

My daughter plays it up. She ends up with the tiniest little cut and will milk it for everything it's worth. Ignoring, not ignoring, makes no difference. She's quite the drama queen.

Dana - posted on 06/17/2011

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Exactly, Sarah.



I actually know a mom that we meet up with at our local park and she's looked at me with a horrified look (on more than one occasion) because my son fell, was fine and I said, "Okay, just brush your hands off". She's actually then tried to comfort him because I didn't. And he's looked at her like she's a bit nuts and runs off to keep playing.



Needless to say, her son is a big baby over nothing and he's 2 yrs older than mine.

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I feel the same way Sarah, just not at 2 years old or under. When theyre that little they need that reassurance, imo.

[deleted account]

Even if a child isnt physically injured their feelings of well being are disrupted and need to be addressed just as any other boo-boo. It just takes a second to give a kiss and make it all better, give it to them.

Merry - posted on 06/17/2011

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They mean, he's not seriously injured mo need to get up and go to him.
I'd rather he be a cry baby then be a kid who thinks his feelings don't matter!

Elfrieda - posted on 06/17/2011

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Do they mean, "He's fine, don't pay attention to him", or "He's fine, don't worry because he's just crying because he was scared."? If they mean "I know better than you whether your son is hurt or not" that would bother me. I am the judge of that, thanks so much!



But I don't mind if people tell me my son is fine after he takes a tumble. He usually is fine. He cries at anything and likes me to kiss it better. (He's 18 months) I attend to him, but always downplay it, because I do want him to be a strong kid, not a crybaby.



Example: He bangs two toys together, pinches his finger, comes running and whimpering. I kiss his finger and say, "You're okay. Hey, look at those blocks! Can you make a tower?"

Other example: He gets too near the edge of my bro-in-law's porch and falls 2 feet, landing on his back. I'm there as fast as I can go, and he wails into my neck while I check him out and see if everything looks fine, and then I tell him, "You're fine. You're okay. You're a little bit scared. That was a surprise, wasn't it?" And I carry him over to a light switch to try to distract him. I think it's good to downplay it. When I freak out (I'm not as relaxed when it comes to choking hazards) it makes him cry worse than if I'm calm and telling him that everything is okay.



If he falls over a pebble or something (he's still a bit wobbly on his feet) and looks over at me to see if he should be upset, I never run over and say, "Oh you poor boy". I say "You're fine."

[deleted account]

I agree with @Sara Brown- that's what i do too- I do like to address it as even if they arent actually hurt, they may be- as you say- frightened and/or embarrassed. We have a way of making it light-hearted- a little saying we made up that they can let us know if they really are in pain or if they just want a cuddle and then will be on their way.

Merry - posted on 06/17/2011

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I think age matters too, my son is just two now, so I'm sure its different with say a 4 year old!

Shannintipton - posted on 06/17/2011

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My post came out really harsh. Yikes. I make sure they are okay. I promise.

Rosie - posted on 06/17/2011

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i agree with erin, if it's something minor which i can tell by the cry, i'll tell him you'll be fine. it's been my experience if i react in a bigger way, they will overplay the waterworks.

September - posted on 06/17/2011

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I think it's more damaging to downplay their tears and tell them to toughen up, that's just sad. We always address our son's feelings regardless if he's hurt or not.

Lady Heather - posted on 06/17/2011

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Considering that in most case of minor injury I can stop the tears with a quick kiss to the wounded area, no I wouldn't say it's emotionally damaging to attend to your kid in these situations. Ha. To me that's just being a good mum.

Lacye - posted on 06/17/2011

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I don't think it's emotionally damaging to down play when they make minor bumps and bruises. If my daughter falls and she is startled or upset, she will look at me and I'll tell her it's ok and tell her to get up. If she is extremely upset, I'll pick her up and I'll hug her a little bit and she is ok.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/17/2011

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I can usually tell by the cry. If it is a blood curdling scream, it is usually serious. Just a regular cry, it usually not serious. The fake cry, I don't even bother hardly to get up. I always check it out but depending on the cry will dictate my urgency level.

Merry - posted on 06/17/2011

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Exactly, I agree! I don't over react, but I won't just ignore it and holler over to him 'you're fine!'

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