how do you feel about sending a child to stay with a relative and when is it that the mom is just being lazy?

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Denikka - posted on 12/13/2011

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Emma, I don't think anyone is saying that it's *lazy* or *bad parenting* to want to have the occasional night off. Every once in a while.
When people say (sorry for speaking for everyone here) going out to party, I think they mean more like dropping the kids off and spending the entire weekend, EVERY weekend on a bender. Or going out 5 nights a week and not spending time with their children.
There's a huge difference between *I need a break* or *gramma and grandpa would love to have the kids this weekend* and *I can't be bothered being a parent* or *parenting is interfering with my partying* or something like that.
It's the parents who can't be bothered with spending time with their children that could be considered *lazy* parents, not those who genuinely need a break every now and again.

Becky - posted on 12/12/2011

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I don't think it's a matter of how often they stay with family members, it's a matter of why. If they are with Grandma and Grandpa 2-3 weekends a month because G&G want them there and the kids love being there, or because mom and dad need a babysitter for an occassional late night, I don't see a problem with that. If mom and dad are constantly dumping their kids on their family members so they can go out and party or just because they don't want to deal with the kids (and I mean every weekend or something like that, not once or twice a month; every parent needs a break once in a while) then it is lazy.

Jane - posted on 12/12/2011

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I periodically send my son to visit with his birth family. True, part of it is that I sometimes need a break from him. Living with a bipolar, angry teenage boy can be wearing at best. At its worst, it is horribly abusive and a nightmare.

But part of it is also that for many years he was the only grandchild in that family. Now his aunt has had a son, so he is one of two, and his birth father is trying to get visitation with my son's half brother so there may eventually be three, so it isn't as urgent, but they still like to see him. And it is a wonderful sight to see the three guys together, all different ages and sizes, but very obviously related, with similar body types and mannerisms.

Part of it is also that my children are mixed race, black and white, and since I am a widow, there is no black male to be a role model for my son. His birth father is a good man who works hard, respects his parents, and tries to do what is right, so he is a good model for my son, who otherwise wants to be a "gangsta." He doesn't understand that the reality of gangsta life is pretty grim. He just sees the MTV videos making it look wonderful.

And I am afraid my son is a bit of a racist, playing the race card whenever I push him to do his school work or help around the house. I don't know where he picked it up because our family is a mixed bag indeed, but I need him to see that black or white, you need to help make the family work. Black parents hound you just as much as white ones to wear clean clothes, pick up your trash, do your homework, and be nice to your family members.

Yet another reason, and possibly the most important, is that my son tends to be a do-nothing. Getting him to do work is really difficult. He wants everything handed to him. However, his birth father, indeed his grandparents and aunt also, all work very, very hard. They don't have medical insurance and they are not wealthy, but they have places to live, clean clothes to wear, and food on the table. It may not be mansions, designer duds, and gourmet food, but it is what they have earned with their work. For some reason my son thinks I am wealthy (not hardly) and rages when I say no, we can't afford it. We DO have health insurance, but otherwise we don't have a lot of money. He needs to see that I am not the only penny-pincher in the world, and that you have to earn things in life.

I have seen examples of parents sending kids off because they were lazy, or wanted to party, or simply didn't like being a parent. But I think that there is a benefit to kids seeing how other members of their family live. It helps bind family together, it helps maintain family culture, and it allows kids to see how things work in other households.

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April - posted on 12/13/2011

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My son turns 3 next week. I really think he is on the verge of too young. They're really still kind of babies at the 2-3 year old stage. I think 4 is a better age, to be honest. However, I think personality is important too. Some kids just have a more independent personality at a younger age than others. My son does not. Besides that, he still nurses to sleep at night and is nowhere near ready to wean. I am the only person that can put him to sleep without distress. He loves my mom but the whole bedtime without mama thing would REALLY stress him out. He just isn't ready. He will go after he has weaned (we believe in self-weaning) and shows that he isn't having any separation anxiety. Currently, he is having separation anxiety. He gets upset if I try to sneak out to go to the store without him, even if Daddy is watching him.

Stifler's - posted on 12/13/2011

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My kids are staying with mum and dad for 4 days over christmas holidays... YES. so we can go camping at the beach and soak up the sun. i despise living inland. it does funny things to your brain.

Becky - posted on 12/13/2011

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Yes, that's exactly what I was saying, Dennika. Everyone needs a break sometimes, but if you need a break all weekend, every weekend and several times a week, well, you probably shouldn't have had children!

Krista - posted on 12/13/2011

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My stepsister used to let her son stay at her aunt and uncle's house every other weekend. Then every weekend. Then a couple of times a week. Then more and more and more. By the time he was 13, he was basically living there.

She went back to university, and lied about having a kid, because she didn't want to seem old.

So yeah...there's a big difference between that, and having the kids sleep at Grandma and Grandpa's every second weekend.

Jenni - posted on 12/13/2011

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My kids probably spend the night at their grandparents 5 nights a year? Give or take. We have a couple's camping trip in the summer for two nights. We maybe go out for dinner and an evening to ourselves 2-3x a year. The kids of course love going there.... except last time we had an adult night... my son wanted me to come stay at Nana's with him because he said he was going to miss me and that he loved me. :( awwww.

I wouldn't call another parent lazy whose children spend more time with relatives than mine. Different strokes for different folks. I'm also a fan of "it takes a village." I'd probably let my relatives take the kids more if they were wanted to. ;)

Jane - posted on 12/13/2011

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My ex-SIL used to drop her kids off with my parents supposedly because she had to take continuing education courses. Instead, it turns out she was having an affair and cheating on my brother. Now THAT is lazy parenting and generally being despicable.

Stifler's - posted on 12/13/2011

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But parenting IS interfering with my partying! LOL. I can't remember the last time I went out on saturday night.

Stifler's - posted on 12/12/2011

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I think it takes a village to raise a child and the reason there is so many divorces and so much depression is that you're seen as a bad parent for dropping the kids off at grandmas. That's why I'm depressed anyway. I never get to drop my kids off and have a good time without nagging kids. Lazy parenting is letting your kids watch tv all day, never taking them to the park or playing with them, and letting them eat junk instead of food because they won't eat healthy stuff.

Stifler's - posted on 12/12/2011

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What's different about needing a break and going out partying? the kids are still staying at grandmas.

Kimberly - posted on 12/12/2011

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I think if both the kids and the people looking after them are happy then there isnt a problem, my daughter is two and has yet to have a sleepover at nana's without us being there, we have went out leaving her there but always spend the night too. On the other hand my niece and nephew love staying at nana & pop's place as well as ours. During school holidays it not uncommon for my niece to spend 5 or 6 days with us at a time. I love having them here and it gives me a great help with my daughter( niece is 9) I have no worries about them staying over as they are great kids and enjoy having them around. I think it would only be a problem if I was exspected to take them for weeks at a time but I do it cause I want to. We are a very close family and I like that we can spend alot of time together

Denikka - posted on 12/12/2011

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I am absolutely all for children spending time with their extended family :) Grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. It's great to have that family bond :)

It's lazy when the children are spending more free time (time when the parents aren't working) with other family than with their parents. For example, both parents work 9 hour days, 5 days a week. If the children are spending 3 evenings (from when parents get home/before parents get home until bedtime) AND weekends over at their grandparents house, I would say that's an issue.



A good example is some people who live out by my grandparents. They are elderly (it's the grandfather and great grandparents in one household). The 2 children (aged 4yrs and 2 yrs) are dropped off every day at 7am. They are there until roughly 6pm. Bedtime is roughly 7:30pm. The kids are also at the grandparent's house on the weekends from 7am to 3pm (that's the *agreement*, but it's usually MUCH later, closer to 5pm or 6pm).

I should also mention that in that case, mom only works part days (9am-2pm), dad works 9-5 and neither parent works weekends. The commute is less than 20 minutes, so it's not like they're spending massive amounts of time on the road.

So in that case, something like that, is absolutely lazy parenting.



If you're sending your kids to other family because they (adults AND kids) love being there, then great :) If you're doing it to just get rid of the kids cause you don't want to deal with them (and not every now and a again, but multiple times a week), then I would say that's probably lazy parenting.

Becky - posted on 12/12/2011

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When my parents used to live closer, they would watch my daughter over night anytime I wanted to go out. They didn't feel it was necessary to wake her up in the middle of the night only to go to home & back to bed! My parents used to pick up my daughter from daycare every day for me & feed her dinner. Daycare closed at 5:30, but I worked until 8 pm. It was either I have my parents get her, or find a daycare that was open 2rd shift & those cost nearly twice as much.

Now that they live 2 hours away, they take her for a week in the summer. It helps out on summer daycare cost's and she loves going there as much as they love having her!

I don't see how having kids stay with family is at all lazy parenting.

Medic - posted on 12/12/2011

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When my son was 2.5 we lived in another state and my parents took him for 6 weeks in the summer. He spend time at both sets of grandparents and had a blast. Now that we have two they still go one week long vacations with my parents and go atleast twice a month for the weekend. I do not think its lazy I think its my parents being able to do things with my kids while they are young that we didn't get to do with ours.

Charlie - posted on 12/12/2011

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My kids stay overnight at grandmas once a week.
They both look forward to it and have an amazing bond.

If it were up to my mum she would have them more.

Ashley - posted on 12/12/2011

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My oldest is 4 and this past summer spent a week with his grandma and grandpa. If my parents lived closer I imagine they would take our kids as often as we let them! My sister also recently took my boys overnight so my husband and I could have time to ourselves before baby 3 gets here.
Depending on why the mother and father send the kids away I would say it is good and not lazy parenting, however I do know a couple who only have their son one weekend a month and tend to party alot over the weekends their kids are gone (they also started the oldest at the grandparents at 3 months old) so to me that bothers me... but I am not them or the grandparents who get no weekends to themselves :S

Tara - posted on 12/12/2011

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My 2 year old goes to his grandparents every saturday night, we're not lazy parents. They ask for him, he is their only grandson and they LOVE having him to their farm. He loves going there and doesn't mind the separation.
It totally depends on whether or not the relative wants the child there and whether or not the child enjoys going there.

Rosie - posted on 12/12/2011

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i think it's ok, and actually i would encourage it, if it was a once in a while thing, like twice a month or something. if it was every weekend thing...depends on the relationship of the child and the relative and if it's a burden or not to them. i don't think it's wise to do all the time, but i don't think it's wise to not do at all either.

Aniesha - posted on 12/12/2011

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My son regularly has overnight stays with his Grandma & Aunties, mostly because he loves staying with them & being spoiled, lol. The longest I've been away from him is 2 nights when I had to go away working with my partner. I wouldn't want to be away from my kids for any extended period of time, coz I'd just miss them too much! However, I think it's good for Mums (& Dads!) to have a break if they can, and if the relatives & kids are willing, then why not.

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