How long???

[deleted account] ( 24 moms have responded )

How long do you have to be with your partner before you can say anything when it comes to family issues on his side?
When do you gain the right to have an opinion and be able to voice it somewhat with your partners family?

My husbands Family is all sorts of screwy. We have been together for 7 years and married for nearly 2. I thought i was close to his sister. She has rung me before to vent about what their mother is or isn't doing and also about their other brother.
I sent her a e-mail because i thought we were close. It was a vent about how their brother is in jail and he deserves to be there, which she agreed with when i last spoke to her.
All hell broke loose and now i have been outcast and my husband was hung up on by his own mother 2 times last night.
Everything from my husbands past has come to light, things like his mother staying with his step father even though he was mentally and physically abusing my husband. The fact that she has never some over here to see her grandkids we always had to travel to them but they can travel the same distance once a fortnight to see their son in jail.

If i had kept my mouth shut none of this would have happened but i thought we were close enough that i could tell her how i felt with out the huge shit fight. I didn't expect her to be happy with what i said but instead of telling me she doesn't need to hear it she just deleted my husband and i off her FB.

Have i been together long enough to have something to say or should i have kept my mouth shut?

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Petra - posted on 02/13/2011

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I'm going to go with, it's safe to talk to hubby about it when it affects you two, but never go beyond that.

Sharon - posted on 02/12/2011

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I'm gonna go with never.

Not that it stops me from shooting my mouth off. But then you gotta own the consequences.

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Julia - posted on 02/17/2011

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I'd say in many cases the only person you should vent to about your spouses family is your spouse. I can't someone in my husband's family... my husband knows i can't. His mother also knows that i'm not too fond of said person either... and she understands why. I just try to keep things civil... most people don't want to hear complaints from "outsiders" even if they have been "insiders" for many years; and even if it is the truth.

Amanda - posted on 02/17/2011

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Im going to say NEVER. It is one thing to allow them to vent to you, but the only person you can vent to about your husbands family is HIM.

I have been with my husband 6 years, I dont dare tell his crazy ass sister that shes crazy ass. I even watch what I say about her infront of her parents (even though they are trying to clearly point out that they also think shes got issues). I vent to my hubby, his sister vents to him about me (not sure why me being a stay at a home mom is a problem for her, or that i extend breastfeed, or where she got the concept that we are deeply in debt but whatever thats where the crazy comes in LOL).

So never never never LOL.

Brandi - posted on 02/17/2011

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Family business is just that, family business. You can say your opinions to your husband, but as for the rest, I would just stay out.

[deleted account]

I have apologised to them for saying anything and that i now know it was the wrong thing to do.
His sister said some really hurtful stuff to me and didn't apologose so i know where i stand with her.
His mother refuses to apologise for anything.
It's a mess and all my fault. I own it, i did it and even though i thought i could vent to my SIL i know differently now.
My hubby can say anything he needs to my parents. They may get upset but they would try and sort it out. His family have just shunned him because of it all.

Marylea - posted on 02/16/2011

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I think it just depends. My hubby (I call him that though we aren't married) have been together 3 years. And we both openly state what we dislike about each others parents. I tend to keep any ill comments or feelings I have about his mom to myself for the most part as not to upset him but if she does something that really erks me I tell him and sometimes he'll talk to her about it.

Lady Heather - posted on 02/13/2011

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We've been together ten years and I still haven't opened my mouth up to say what I really want to say to his parents. He has told off my dad and his girlfriend for making nasty comments about my mum in front of him. But we spend a lot of time with them so there's more of a relationship there.

We do talk about their nuttiness amongst ourselves all the time though. They aren't abusive or anything. They just have some weird opinions on things.

[deleted account]

She has rung me before to bitch which is why i thought i'd have the same courtesy. I have am coping everything.
Now i am no longer welcome at her wedding because their parents have said if i'm there they wont be.
It's 26 years of bulit up anger that has just spewed out all over the place.
If they ever talk again then i know better. lesson learnt.
I'm honestly can say i wouldn't care what she said about my family because she doesn't know them and if she did know them then she would still have ever right to because she would know them.

My hubby got a phone call from his mother complaining about how bad it was that his brother was in jail and the 'poor little fella' this and that and that he needs sympathy. Hubby tried to tell her that he doesn't care he did what he did knwoing full well the consequences and his mother hung up on him.
I thought i'd be able to talk to his sister because we got along for 6 years so well. I was wrong, but i wish i knew that before i wrote what i did.
1 month ago she agreed that he needs to be there but now all of a sudden she says no one deserves to be there.

Emma apparently it's never. So if you have any issues i'd say keep your mouth shut and only vent to your husband.

Jenn - posted on 02/13/2011

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See, there's a difference there though Tracey. If it involves YOUR own home and a concern for YOUR kids - then by all means speak up. And if there is a family discussion going on, then by all means, speak up and join in. But to sit down at the computer and type out an email to your sister-in-law bashing HER brother because he's in jail - that's a no-no. How would you feel if your sister-in-law sent you an email bashing your sibling? Even if you agree with what they're saying, is it really necessary for them to point out the obvious? I think not.

Sneaky - posted on 02/13/2011

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I'm going with Bonnie here - why shouldn't you have a say? I told everyone flat out that my sister-in-law was not allowed in my house until she grew up - I don't need her immature crap and I certainly don't want it around my kids.

Having said that, I don't go out of my way to talk about her either. If she annoys me, I don't waste my time bitching about it.

Bonnie - posted on 02/13/2011

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I think you should always have a right. I mean I don't outright blast my husband's family, EVER, but I do give my opinion or let him know when something bothers me.

He has never discouraged me or encouraged me not to. Once you are married, you are part of the family and what even makes that bond stronger is when you have children together. Why shouldn't you have a say?

[deleted account]

You will never be close enough with your in-laws. Sorry but most people are never close enough with their in-laws to ever say anything contrary or negative and get away with it. :) My in-laws are the same way.

With that said my in-laws try to include me when we gather for functions and such. I go, I have little to talk about when I do. I watch and interact with my kids. I get labeled a bitch and more because I don't socialize with them but I have spent 10 yrs trying to be nice to everyone and get included. It never worked and so now I am just my kids mom. I count his family as my kids family on their dad's side but I will never count myself as a part of their family at at this point I don't want to. My in-laws are just as nuts or nuttier than yours so trust me it can get worse. lol

Jenn - posted on 02/13/2011

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Yeah, I'd go with the other ladies here and say never. It's one thing for them to bitch about their own family, and for you to listen or even agree. It's another thing for you to go to the trouble of writing an email just to bitch about their brother - remember that no matter how much of a screw-up he may be - he's still and will always be their family - so no, you're not allowed to bash him.

Sherri - posted on 02/12/2011

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No matter what this is their family and they are allowed to bitch all they want about them but you are only the wife so no you will never have those same rights. So I guess my answer is never.

Alyssa - posted on 02/12/2011

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I did this too a long time ago...and boy did i regret it!! Now I don't get involved even in "discussions" about where to have the next family picnic.

A definite no go zone.....FOREVER!!

Isobel - posted on 02/12/2011

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My ex's family was nuts...I didn't mean I'm sorry for saying it, I meant I was sorry you have to live it.

Iridescent - posted on 02/12/2011

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You should have been able to speak your mind by now, but some families are bit hard by the psycho bug. Mine is one of those. Apparently your in-law's are as well.

Kate CP - posted on 02/12/2011

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Doesn't matter how long you're with some one...sometimes their family is just nuts and never handles things well. This is one of those instances.

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