How were you disciplined?
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I think Emma is saying (forgive me if I'm wrong) that she feared the consequences of her actions, but never really feared her parents. Big difference between the 2 and an important one and I agreee w/ her. Not that there aren't great kids these days, but I'm sure just about everyone here has seen at least one kid that has no respect for rules, boundaries, and consequences and that is NOT a good thing and it's not just cuz parents aren't spanking, but because they aren't disciplining (not referring to anyone here, of course, but I've seen it quite a bit IRL).
LaCi - posted on 11/17/2010
I think, among the people who have been spanked, it should just be accepted that some people apparently are very much affected by it and some people aren't resentful at all. I do not think that, just because one person feels a particular way, they should be assigning that feeling to everyone who was in that situation.
"Kids these days don't have respect or fear and that ain't a good thing."
I could not disagree with you more Emma. If my daughter ever feared me I'd think I had failed as a parent....and a person for that matter. No one has the right to be feared by others. No one. And respect should be earned not enforced.
Charlie - posted on 11/16/2010
" I wasn't scared of them in the slightest, they told me they loved me every day and taught us how to live by showing us how to live. I don't think we even got spanked once a week but if we did something to deserve we were scared of the consequences of our actions which hurt our asses"
In two sentances you say you were not scared and then you say you were .....perplexing .
I don't respect ANYONE who feels the need to exert power over me in such a manner that would cause fear , I respect where respect is given .
There is a lot to be said for the term " treat people the way you want to be treated "
Stifler's - posted on 11/16/2010
I don't think I would have learned a damn thing if they sat me in the naughty corner to be honest. I wasn't scared of them in the slightest, they told me they loved me every day and taught us how to live by showing us how to live. I don't think we even got spanked once a week but if we did something to deserve we were scared of the consequences of our actions which hurt our asses. That was their way of teaching me and my sister and it worked for them. It worked for most people of my generation that had fear of the consequences. Kids these days don't have respect or fear and that ain't a good thing.
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A lot of assumptions are being thrown around about how other people should feel.
I was never abused. An odd spank hasn't damaged me. I didn't feel resentment towards my parents for it. I didn't fear my parents for it. I just saw them as human and capable of making mistakes in their frustrations. If anything I felt it weakened them as parents. They felt it weakened them as parents. I don't think it's the most effective way to discipline a child so I don't choose it.
My partner had the spankings taken too far as a kid. He'd get them for answering back and to the point where he'd not go to school on days where they had sports because he didn't want people seeing the bruises. He won't go there with his kids because he accepts that he has his fathers temper and doesn't want to go that far. Better to just avoid it altogether.
LaCi - posted on 11/18/2010
"If the whole intent is to change your behaviour then how can it NOT affect you?"
I never said it didn't effect one's behavior as any punishment could, as a deterrent, I said it doesn't mean people will automatically harbor resentment. It's silly to assume that because one person resented or feared their parent because they spanked them that all people do. I felt no fear or resent in regards to my parents at the time and I feel none now.
Desiree - posted on 11/18/2010
I got spanked, rarely, but I did. My mom rarely had to give a hiding because there were 2 things that coulld make you tow the line nicely, Mom talking in Portuguese was a sign that all 4 of us were now in very serious trouble and if you didn't move fast the punishment would be harsh. Secondly all she ever had to really do was show us the wooden spoon it was enough. I respect her today she was alone with 4 children and things couldn't have been that bad becasue all the other kids were in and out our home. I remember one day there being 5 broken windows because of the boys but not one got a hiding for it. Hiding were reserved for very serious offences. And yes I believe in it and if I need I probably would spank my kids, currently the removale of favourite toys is enough, but also my kids are getting to big for a hiding.
I was spanked. It did not work well for me. It made me very vengeful. I can still feel the way I felt back then. When I would do something wrong, most often the first offence was some mistake I had made--loosing track of time and coming home too late, failing a test, or some other thing that I didn't "mean" to do, but screwed up anyway. They would spank me with a switch of hickory. That would make me very vindictive. After the spanking, I would think of something that would hurt them more than they had hurt me, and then I'd do it. The idea was that it would teach them not to spank me. It started a vicious cycle: when I was 6, I fell down a set of stairs and ripped my dress (we were playing too rough). I got a spanking. That night, I took a pair of scissors while my mother slept and cut every piece of clothing she owned. She spanked me again....and hid the scissors. I used a sharpie to write "I hit my kid" all over her car windows. At that point she realized she was getting hurt more than I was and stopped, but always, she resorted to spanking when I would do something wrong, and always I would retaliate.
I am not "damaged" and I love my mother, she didn't know any other option, remember, we lived in a car, my dad was a meth addict, and she worked 12 hours a day. That didn't leave much time for reading parenting books. Plus, spanking worked for my sister, but every kid is different. I see myself in my son today. I can see him being vindictive like I was, so I do not spank him. Instead I try to let him experience natural consequences and teach him why his actions were unacceptable. I also try to recognize mistakes for what they are. It always hurt me when I was punished for something I was trying my best to do right and failed. Not only did I beat myself up for failing, but my parents beat me up too. I never want to do that to my son.
Sometimes it is tempting to exert power over him and "show him who's boss" after all, I want him to respect me, but I try to curb the temptation.
"I think, among the people who have been spanked, it should just be accepted that some people apparently are very much affected by it and some people aren't resentful at all. I do not think that, just because one person feels a particular way, they should be assigning that feeling to everyone who was in that situation." - Laci
Firstly, I will say I'm not resentful. Do I have less respect for my mother because of it? Yes. But I still have a great relationship with my mother today. I see or talk to her every week. And I let her look after my daughter, so I trust her.
Secondly, I think people are being naive if they think it hasn't affected them, even in a small way. The whole nature of the act is to change your behaviour (though I'd also argue that it can be to release frustration in the parent). If the whole intent is to change your behaviour then how can it NOT affect you?
That being said, I do agree that the level of impact does vary between individuals. I was a sensitive kid. There really was no reason to use it on a kid like me. My brother was a hard headed shit. I could understand wanting to smack him, but again it didn't work. There are more personality types out there and the effect would be different but here's the thing - how do you know that your child is going to be one of the ones who is not really affected? Why take the risk when there are so many other discipline tools at your disposal?
Rosie - posted on 11/17/2010
this is going to sound unbelievable but i tell you it's true. i wasn't disciplined, because i didn't do anything wrong. i was grounded once, i don't remember what for, and my dad spanked me once, i don't remember what that was for either.
my mother spent LOADS of time with us, was very nurturing, and i simply did not feel the need to test my mothers or fathers authority.
i do find fault in my mothers sex-ed talking, cause i didn't get one. now looking back i wish my mother would've got me and my sister help for the abuse that we sustained at the hands of our biological father, and the trauma of not having him in our lives.
yes the way they parented worked wonders, lol! i am a very respectful, law abiding citizen, full of morals and work ethic.
i'm trying to use the same method now after using other methods that didn't work, such as spanking. i seem to be getting great results from my boys with it. i still don't feel i will ever be able to live up to what my mother did for me. she's the best mother, and now grandmother i've ever encountered. patience is something that she has loads of, and i just don't know how she does it all. i try to be more like my mother everyday! :)
I was smacked on my bum with a hand or if I was really naughty a slipper. Generally my dad did the smacking but if he was really angry he wouldn't touch us because he would have broken bones - he is really strong - so mom had to do it then.
Generally mom used to tell us off and explain why we were in trouble and what the punishment would be, she gave warnings prior to any punishment so we knew what would happen. Mom was brill.
I think because of my moms methods yes they did work we were brill kids and my parents were often complimented on how good we were. I don't think the smacking did anything beneficial.
I am following a lot of things my mom did because she is brill. But my children will never be smacked I just don't see the merit in it.
Sarah - posted on 11/17/2010
I haven't read all the responses, I'm feeling lazy! ;)
I can remember being smacked a handful of times, it wasn't a common occurrence at all. In fact, the few times I remember my Mum smacking me......I really did deserve it!
My Dad was scary enough that it never got as far as smacking! hahaha.
I guess I'm kind of similar in the fact that I have smacked, but my kids won't look back and think that's the punishment they always got, it will be a handful of times over their whole childhood.
I'll admit that I did get into a bad habit of smacking my eldest, but I stopped. I don't think I've ever smacked my youngest.
Anyway, it was used in extreme situations only by my parents, and I hope to use it even less than that with my own.
I was spanked only once in my life and it was only cuz I took my seatbelt of in the moving van and was trying to jump out (I wanted to go back to prescholl, I was 3). My parents were extremely anti-spanking and yet... I am not, so it's not just all those 'damaged' people that were spanked that aren't against spanking. Just saying. I'll also agree that it isn't necessary and that spanking does NOT automatically mean disciplined. You can have a child that is never spanked and is the most well disciplined child you'll ever meet and you can have a child that is spanked that is the most rotten you'll ever meet. MOST children fall somewhere in the middle... spanked or not. ;)
Maria - posted on 11/17/2010
I was disciplined very strictly, mostly in the house my dad had the last word. We were spanked, but never beaten abusively, we understood that it was a punishement, usually for our disobedience. I believe it worked, we learned to respect our parents, for the times they did not punish us and just gave us warnings. I use the same method with my daughter, and I thank God that she is an overall well behaved child. she has her moments, but I can usually count to five and she will get her act together.
I guess I got spanked less than a handful of times during my childhood. Never with any object other than the palm of a hand on my butt. I remember it was parental frustration after being told numerous times to behave, failing and resulting in something getting broken or damaged because my brother and I didn't listen. So that happened maybe 3 times that I remember. I milked it like anything the next day and killed my parents with guilt.
I was a pretty good kid but generally discipline didn't work on me. My parents tried sending me out of the room for alone time ... I'd curl up on the stairs and go to sleep. My parents would send me to my room ... but before they got a chance to commandeer my TV or stereo I'd already chucked the things outside my door. Being sent to my room was no big deal because I'd just read a book.
Whatever they did as parents can't have been that bad. We were frequently complimented on what well behaved children we were in public. At home if we got hurt fighting it was "tough luck" because we'd been told not to. I guess for the most part we just learnt natural consequences to our actions.
Just because a kid is misbehaving and totally disrespecting their parents does not mean they need to be smacked or lack discipline. My brother is a great example of this, he was smacked. I know my mum used a belt on him at least once. And he continued to be one of those misbehaving, disrespectful little shits. It did not work, in fact it made him WORSE. It meant nothing to him to be smacked, not that the punishment ever entered his mind whilst he was misbehaving. He just took it and then you know what? He grew up, WAY bigger than my parents and then what could they do? Nothing. Because they had the chance to teach him right from wrong and they didn't, they just taught him to fear the punishment. No wonder the prisons are full, so many people are only taught to fear the punishment and then the punishment doesn't even seem that bad.
People always say "Well, I was smacked and I'm just fine." but are they really? They think that hitting a poor defenceless child is ok, so I'd argue otherwise.
I was smacked. I don't think I'm damaged or anything but I can see the impact and I don't want that for ANY child let alone my own. My job as a parent is to protect her not hurt her no matter the intent.
Erin - posted on 11/17/2010
We were smacked occasionally.. my brother much more than me because he was a little shit lol. I can only remember getting a smack a handful of times. It never worked. And I remember fighting with my Mum when I was 10 - I was a cheeky little tart by that point - and she threatened to smack me. I was as big as her and told her I would hit her back if she did. So instead we spent my teenage years yelling at each other.
So no, I don't parent in the same way. I am not damaged and I was a good kid overall, but the smacking was just ineffective and pointless.
Charlie - posted on 11/17/2010
@ Teresa & Emma.,
Ok but the consequence was a "flogging " the flogging was handed down by her parents therefore it is fear of the parent handing down the discipline , you cannot seperate an action from the person doing it , sorry but that is just justifying an action without responsibility , i don't buy that and i know a lot of people would feel the same way towards those who smacked , spanked , flogged , hit them , it's a coping mechanism people create when being hurt by a loved one IMO.
Jodi - posted on 11/16/2010
I actually remember my father had a leather belt haning over a chair in the dining room, and it was always there as a reminder, but do you know, I don't EVER remember him using it!!! Maybe the threat was enough for us to know where we had to draw the line.
Or maybe he did use it and I am so emotionally damaged I have blocked it from my memory, LOL.
Seriously, though, removal of privileges worked for us. The worst punishment my parents could dish out was banning me from riding my horse for a period of time. I still had to exercise him (from the ground), groom him and feed him, etc, but wasn't allowed to take him for a ride. That killed me.
Yes, I use pretty much the same method. Find my kids' currency and use it :) That currency is different for each of them, and it also changes over time, but I just keep changing my tack accordingly!!
Lacye - posted on 11/16/2010
I was spanked with a leather belt. 3 licks. That was all that was needed. But no. I don't plan on using the same methods as my parents. I know they loved me, and I respected them, but I can remember having bruises on my butt from when they spanked me too hard sometimes. I can't do that to my daughter. I might spank her, but I'm not going to use as much force as they did. There are better ways a lot of time to discipline than spanking. And I will be using those ways.
Amanda - posted on 11/16/2010
My parents rarley spanked me. I think twice maybe in my whole life! They used corners or time-outs and as I got older they would take away privelages, which in return I hated! So yes I think it worked. I know right from wrong. I know how to make smart decisions. Not saying that every decision I've made was a smart one, but you get it lol. I use timeout on my children and also a sticker chart. I don't and won't spank my children. I think if you start it could get carried away, and that's a line and chance I'm not willing to take.
Kylie - posted on 11/16/2010
My mum was a yeller and she was a smack first ask questions later sort of person. She mostly used her hand and sometimes a brush or wooden spoon. She broke a few wooden spoons on us over the years. My dad was mostly tolerant but when he lost it he was frightening i got a few smacks from him too. I hated that feeling of being powerless and hurt and not given the chance to explain or talk my way out of it. I dont parent with physical punishment, i will never hit my children or intimidate them. My mum does feel guilty and sorry for the way she disciplined us. She says she was very stressed out when we were little and her mother hit her with a belt and willow branches and she didn't question that when she became a parent, she just did what she had learned.
Jenn - posted on 11/16/2010
I think I got spanked once. I know we used to stand in the corner sometimes. When I was older I'd get grounded. One time it was for 3 months with no TV for the first month and no phone. When I was brought home by the police at 17 for drinking under age (while skipping school and I was on acid but they didn't know that part) they sort of gave up and just said do what you want but at least have the decency to let us know where you are and that you're safe. Mostly I just wanted to sleep over at my boyfriend's house and I did.
I feel like my parents did a pretty good job, but there are some things I will change. For one, I will be much more open about my love for my kids. It was always known that we were loved and didn't ever feel unloved, but I can count on one hand how many times I've heard my parents say "I love you". I think as a teenager, while I did want more freedom, I wanted to feel loved and WANTED in my family, not just tolerated for my shitty-ass attitude that I had.
Emma, when you were getting hit with the spatula or the belt, do you think you were learning a lesson in respect and following the rules? To me, that sounds like your parents put fear into you. It may have kept you from breaking the rules as much as your younger siblings do, but I still feel like it wasn't the best way (even if it was common back then). I just think that in order to teach respect, we have to show it. Using a belt on a child is a violation and it's abuse. It teaches and breeds fear. There's a big difference between "being good" because you've learned a moral lesson and "being good" because you're afraid to do otherwise. I also want to add that I'm not at all trying to be rude or disrespectful Emma. But there are other ways to teach children manners and respect (and all of those other things you mentioned in your last post) that don't involve getting physical.
Stifler's - posted on 11/16/2010
No, they raised me and my other sister good. With the others because they are younger they are like "some things just don't matter as much as you thought they did" aka manners, sitting at the table for dinner, being respectful, offering everyone a drink instead of just getting it yourself, helping someone when you can see they clearly need help. So now their other kids get away with everything and have no social skills.
My mother used anything she could get her hands on to "punish" me. Brushes, belts, bottles, you name it. Anything in her reach was a weapon. It didn't work. It taught me to fear her, not to respect her or to follow the rules. I followed the rules out of fear. I haven't been and won't be doing that to my son.
Dana - posted on 11/16/2010
Let's see, it started off as being spanked, sent into corners, grounded, then smacked, kicked, punched, thrown face first into a toilet and my favorite, a thick coffee mug thrown at my head resulting in a pretty gnarley head wound. So, you can see why I'm against any kind of abuse, physical, mental & emotional.
It doesn't do any good for a child and I won't be using any of those methods.
Stifler's - posted on 11/16/2010
Yes, we were spanked with a spatula or leather belt. My parents flogged us if we did something wrong, everyone I know's parents I knew did back then. My parents don't even discipline my brother and sister, they're like "Sam don't do that" he keeps doing it they tell him again and don't make him even do the dishes or help around the house. They argue back with my sister instead of just flogging her and sending her to her room for being disrespectful like they did with us. It's pathetic, they are going to get the shit bashed out of them or be in jail because of it. By the time my other sister and I were teenagers we were well behaved, did our school work, helped around the house, eventually made our own money and did as we pleased and stayed out of trouble with the law. My sister has already stolen $2000 worth of scratchies and gets their mailbox egged and abusive phone calls because there are no consequences or respect for money or authority in the house now.
Becky - posted on 11/16/2010
I was spanked, grounded, made to write sentences, and shamed. I don't think the spanking worked that great - when I turned 13, I told my mom I was a teenager now and she couldn't spank me anymore because I would just become rebellious if she did. Clearly it did not curb my sassiness! Being sent to my room didn't really work, because I was a daydreamer and a reader, so I was fine going to my room. I guess writing sentences worked - I hate that!
While I don't consider my parents to have been abusive or anything - I think they did the best they could with what they knew - no, I don't plan to discipline like they did. I don't like spanking and am trying to avoid it (although I've done it a couple of times, and hated myself for it) and I do not want to use guilt trips the way my mom did! When the kids are older, I may use grounding, but will most likely lose loss of privileges more.
My parents did a lot of things as parents that I do want to emulate, but for the most part, discipline isn't one of them.
Charlie - posted on 11/16/2010
I was smacked ( spanked ) and i remember thinking as a little girl "why does my mum hate me , why is she hurting me " i hated her for a long time because of it i rebelled hard i just thought if my own mother could not respect my body why should I , in fact it wasnt until i was 600km away that i forgave her but i never want my children to feel the way I did , the smacks didn't really hurt but my heart did and that is a hundred times worse .
I was kicked out of home at 16 because i was bigger than mum and when i saw her raise her hand to my little sister who cowered away from her i grabbed her arm and said " if you lay a hand on my little sister you better believe im going to smack you back " well she was livid but i honestly dont think it's right for someone much bigger to behave like that towards a child , my mum didnt lay a hand on her, i was as protective over her as i am my own children , my little sister was treated with a lot more respect than i was after that , she got in trouble , yes , she was disciplined but not smacked and you know she turned out a lot better as a teen than i ever did , she had a better relationship with mum than i did and Mum tends to listen to me and treat my children wonderfully and she listens when i suggest different methods of discipline now .
Baisically the way i parent is the polar opposite of the way my mum parents , my Dad was cool , he was great , i listened to him always , i had respect for him as a child because he had respect for me , he was someone i could always go to and confide in .
I wasn't and no, it didn't work. I was pretty much never 'bad', but I didn't DO anything. I spent a lot of time alone and probably would've benefited a lot more (back then and now too) if I had been given and made to do chores and been guided and persuaded to actually DO things. I'm overly, massively introverted though and making me do things may have backfired. Who knows? Pretty hard to psychoanalyze yourself. ;)
Nope. I don't use the same methods as my parents. My kids have responsibilities AND punishments.
I was smacked when I was little. Not often (I think) but enough to make me fear ever getting caught again. Once I was older (say 8) I don't actually remember being disciplined. I was generally a good kid and was an excellent liar who hid any misbehaviour (which wasn't actually much) so I don't think I got more than a stern word.
Will I use the same methods as my parents? Hell no. It didn't work and actually caused a heap more anxiety and trouble. I was a very secretive kid because of it and if I had gotten into trouble (which thankfully I didnt) I would never have asked for help. That scares me looking back so I don't want that for my daughter.
LaCi - posted on 11/16/2010
I was spanked when I was a kid. When I was older I would be grounded and all the fun stuff was off limits, no tv, computer, music, video games, etc. Boredom is an excellent punishment. I can't wait until he has things I can tell him he can't play with when he's bad :D
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