Hypothetical

Nikki - posted on 12/08/2010 ( 46 moms have responded )

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Your husband/boyfriend/partner hits/slaps/spanks/smacks you (whichever term you prefer) do you stay and work on the relationship or do you leave?

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[deleted account]

I'd like to believe that I would leave but you just can't know for sure. Every situation is unique and different and I do believe there COULD be circumstances or situations where it COULD be warranted to work on the relationship or get couselling/help.

I dunno...

Iris - posted on 12/08/2010

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Hit/slap/smack, you better pay for the ticket for me and my daughters home. I wouldn't even give another chance, one time would be enough.

Spanking....I like it sometimes :)

[deleted account]

It depends on your situation, if this is a common thing then get then fuck out, if this is something that happened once after being married or in the relationship for any amount of time then see where the problem is stemming from. If he is taking steps to make sure it never happens again then I would try to work on things.

[deleted account]

I don't think the rules should be any different if a woman hits a man. Again, it just depends on the situation. And to be honest, I have slapped my husband before. Years ago, before we were married or parents. It was in the heat of an argument, he was pushing my buttons, brought up my mother and it happened so fast I didn't actually believe it had happened except that my hand was stinging like a mofo. It's the only time anything like that ever happened between us. I was forgiven and would never do it again. If he slapped me under similar circumstances I would also forgive and move on. Not every slap leads to abuse. Sometimes a slap is just a slap. I've been around abuse my whole life. My childhood abuse led me into an almost 4 year abusive relationship in my late teens, early 20's. I know what the face of abuse looks like and I honestly don't put every single person who slaps once (man or woman) into the category of "abuser". Sometimes good people do bad things.

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Veronica - posted on 12/09/2010

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I agree that a man shouldnt take abuse either -- but it is a double standard cause men are men and are supposed to take it - and being hit by a girl is not a proud moment for them.
Either way - it shouldnt be tolerated, and I think there is definatly a fine line between a slap than a beating =- but circumstances are what make it or break it.

April - posted on 12/09/2010

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i'd like to believe i would leave too...but i just don't know. he's my best friend and i couldn't imagine him doing that to me

Bonnie - posted on 12/09/2010

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In a lot of cases, as soon as it is heard that a women hit or beat a man it was because she was defending herself, even if that truly was not the case.

Barb - posted on 12/09/2010

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But back to my original question - whats if the roles were switched?? How much do you think a man could/should take?

There shouldn't be a double standard, but there is.

I'm 5' 7" and 130 lbs or so, Doug is 6' 3" and 260. He was an offensive lineman in football in college. Hitting him hurts me more than it does him. He laughs and i'm the one holding my hand going "ohh owww" I've never hit him in the face before though, i could never disrespect him like that.

We had a friend named Tim who was married to Angela. Every month or so Tim would come over beaten up needing a place to stay. He was a small man and she was a very large woman.

One time she sat on him until he passed out because he couldn't breathe, then took his glasses off, broke off the arm of his glasses and stabbed him in his face with the arm while he was passed out. He never went to the police, he was too ashamed.

I think it's doubly worse for a man to admit he's been abused by a woman. Because men are taught they are the big tough men and are suppose to be able to take anything.

I tried to convince him. If this was a man who did this to you, you would call the police.

It should not make a difference, wrong is wrong.

Stifler's - posted on 12/08/2010

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I think men don't think as much of it because they are like "you can't hit a girl" so apparently if women hit them (punch them, bite them, slap them) it doesn't count. It does count. It's still abuse.

[deleted account]

Veronica, in response to your question, I don't believe there should ever be a double standard when it comes to abuse. If a partner verbally or physically abuses his OR her partner, the partner should leave. No one deserves to be abused in any way, shape or form.

When in play, however, all's fair as long as it doesn't leave bruises or cut the skin ;)

[deleted account]

Pretty sure if i was hit, i would defiantly go chuck norris on him and give him a round house kick to the face. I'm not one anyone wants to start with :P On the other hand if i smacked him...i would expect it back. If you can give it you can take it.

Veronica - posted on 12/08/2010

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On my end - Ive seen my brother get his nose broken from a girl who beat the crap out of him - he did leave that relationship -- but you see like an old movie where a woman will slap a man - especially when he is fresh with her... (ok, so he called for it, lol) but still - is it a double standard??

Veronica - posted on 12/08/2010

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What if the roles were switched?? Should a man stay or leave if the woman hit/slaps/smacks/punches? And to what degree??
My husband has never raised a hand, we've yelled at each other - but its never come to that. On the other hand, Ive shoved my husband a few times, and came close to plowing my fist in his face (lot of hardships in our 'early' years in our relationship). I would never hit him either - and the shove was a final last resort for me to physically say - get away, i dont want to talk to you, your an asshole --- good to say that part of our life is well-over with -- counseling, communication and prayers.
As far as growing up - it was ugly - my parents fought horribly and in front of us. The fights my hubby and I had we took outside when it got escalated - away from the kids.

But back to my original question - whats if the roles were switched?? How much do you think a man could/should take?

Jennifer - posted on 12/08/2010

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some random boyfriend i would definitely leave in a heartbeat. if my husband were to hit me, it would seriously depend on the circumstances because it would be so out of character. spanking, on the other hand, is mandatory :-P

thinking back to my mental state about 5 years ago, i honestly wouldn't have had the courage to be alone.

Nikkole - posted on 12/08/2010

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I think if my husband tried to hit/beat/slap me i would get a 2x4 and smack him with it! But i dont think i would leave the first time now if he tried the second time he would be the one bloody and beaten and i would be gone and i would take half of EVERYTHING!

[deleted account]

Okay, we're talking about abuse, right? I'd give him a black eye and pack my bags, seeing as how he pays for our apartment. My mother was physically and verbally abused for five years by my brother's sperm donor and had I been old enough the piece of shit would have been beaten to death with a steel-core wooden baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire.

Krista - posted on 12/08/2010

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Gad, I have no idea what I'd do, because the thought of Keith hitting me is almost laughable, it's so far-fetched. That man has been so mad at me that he was absolutely shaking, and even then he still kept his hands to himself.

However, if his control snapped and he slapped me, I would leave. For good? Hard to say. It depends on what would follow. If he made bullshit excuses, or got angry and blamed it on me, and made no efforts to rectify the situation, then I'd stay away forever. If he was genuinely remorseful, took full ownership of what he did, and went to therapy/anger management classes of his own volition and really showed that he was taking steps to ensure that it didn't happen ever again, then I would perhaps consider giving him ONE second chance.

Mind you, that's assuming he'd still be in one piece after his parents were through with him. They really like me. And yes, part of my condition would be that he sit down with his parents and tell them precisely what he did and why I'd left. I'm guessing he would not want to repeat that little experience.

Barb - posted on 12/08/2010

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Hindsight is 20/20 :)

Amanda, i'm so happy for you that you got away and are now showing your kids a happy, healthy relationship. Good for you!! I know that is so hard, and so scary.

I know for me, i was really scared at first to be on my own because i didn't think i could make it. He told me i couldn't after all.

I would like mention something, though, if your son is your ex's and you say only losers hit women, you are indirectly calling your son's father a loser. I hope you don't do this in front of your son because i'm sure he makes the connection that you are calling his father a loser. If your son is made up of half of you and half of his father then he is half loser also and i'm sure you don't think that, do you? Of course not. I know i'd be angry too if i came from a loser.

I'm really saying this to help, not to be mean at a. I hated my son's dad for the longest time, but i had to see him in the perspective of my son's dad and not the immature controlling asshole abuser he was to me. It was for my son's health, growth and development. It's for his best interest. It's for his self esteem so he doesn't think he comes from junk. see?

hope this helps in the context it was written in :)

[deleted account]

Haha! Cathy, I just read yours now.....sorry! Maybe I should read ALL the comments before I post, eh?!!

Amanda - posted on 12/08/2010

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I would get the f out ASAP!

Dam wish I woulda been like this almost 7 yrs ago! I was with my 2 oldest childrens father for almost 5 yrs and was hit/slapped/smacked/thrown/punched, I mean you name it he did it. Verbal and sexual as well. I stayed for the kids sake. I wanted them to have both parents in the home. But after my daughter was born I was out.

I got counseling and got counseling for my son who witnessed a lot of it. It's not something I'm proud of. My son has a lot of anger issues and is rather aggresive but I'm hoping over time, and seeing the way my fiance is towards me he learns that there is NEVER a reason to hit a woman.

Losers only hit women! :)

Lady Heather - posted on 12/08/2010

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I'd be gone. I don't give second chances for much and that certainly doesn't qualify.

Rosie - posted on 12/08/2010

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i was abused as a child and witnessed my mother being abused as well. i have always told myself if anyone ever hit me i was out the door faster than he could say i'm sorry.
now that i'm married and have children, i may have changed my tune a tiny bit. once maybe depending on circumstances, more than once i would walk. i still can't say for sure though because it has never even come close to happening. hell, we don't even have time to fight with each other let alone for him to hit me. not that he ever would, he's never even hardly raised his voice at me let alone been threatening to me physically in anyway.

Barb - posted on 12/08/2010

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My husband's uncle Joe hit aunt Mary one time. They had been married about a year, he was drunk. She waited until he passed out, she filled a sock with quarters and beat the ever lovin pulp out of him. He was in the hospital for a week recovering but he never raised a finger to her again. They were happily married for 60 years.

My first husband hit me. The first time i left, but the pastor of our church said he was going to counseling on his own with him and urged me to come back. I did, it happened again. I left, he convinced me to come back for one last try. It happened again but this time when it happened our 2 year old baby said "stop" and that was the end of it for me.
I realized this was not something our son should ever see and i was failing as a parent to teach my son what a healthy relationship was.

There was no going back again. It was more important to be a parent than to be a wife.

[deleted account]

Nothing wrong with an occasional spanking :-p



I really think circumstances would dictate how I reacted. What actions lead up to the incident? Was it a major arguement where I'd said the worst possible thing to him? Was it me getting home 30 minutes late because I bumped into a friend and got talking, losing track of time? What was his reaction immediately after? Was he devastated with himself and filled with remorse? Or did he continue to blame me?



I wouldn't end a long-term solid relationship because of one mistake. I would want to take time to work through the problems that led to the hit.



I would walk out immediately if I felt that I was in anyway being controlled. Violence is just the next stage.

Sara - posted on 12/08/2010

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Uh, leave. Homey don't play that.

There are things that I think can be worked through in a relationship, but the recidivism rate for men who are physically/emotionally/sexually abusive is almost 100%. I can't see that it would ever get better, unless it was a situation where maybe he did it only when he was drunk and he stopped drinking... then there might be a glimmer of hope. But you can bet your sweet ass me and my kids would be gone until he stopped the drinking...

Sherri - posted on 12/08/2010

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I would have always said run. However, it happened ONCE about 10 yrs ago. In the heat of the moment he swung before he used his brain. However, the fear that I was going to walk and the total remorse he truly had. I eventually forgave him and let him know in no uncertain terms that if it EVER happened again, I would be out the door. Needless to say we just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary and I am still here and we are very happy.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 12/08/2010

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I was in a mental and verbal abusive relationship almost 8yeras ago. It was going on for 2 ½ years. I was in denial about it all, and thought he just loved me so that’s why he treated me the way he did…

One day after coming home from work late (I worked the late shift so I got off in the morning, and I stopped to get some breakfast to make that morning)
He was upset and yelling that I was late, and where had I been…then he starting yelling about everything, exaggerating things.
He grabbed me and hemmed me up against the wall, and with his other hand, he had in a fist and was ready to hit me……

Two weeks later I left, and NEVER went back, because I knew the next time he would hit me.

I feel that if your hit once, depending on the situation you could be hit again, but I also feel that you should give it another try, if he has never displayed any past signs of aggression toward you, or the kids.

Becky - posted on 12/08/2010

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I would leave, but that's not to say I wouldn't try to work it out, depending on the situation. The kids and I just wouldn't be there in the home until he had proven to me that things had changed.

Hannah - posted on 12/08/2010

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I woud leave. Although, I too liked to be spanked.

My brother has serious anger management problems. He and his wife have had very violent fights. Every time they fight he breaks something, cell phones, computers, he threw her wedding ring in the middle of the road. I think she should have left him a long time ago and I don't feel bad for her anymore. She calls my mom crying about my brother all the time. He isn't going to change, EVER!

Jocelyn - posted on 12/08/2010

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I agree with Dana as well. I think it would depend on the circumstances. If it is one slap because I just said *insert the worst thing possible* then I'm gonna stay and try and work things out. If he breaks my nose then I'm outta there!

Erin - posted on 12/08/2010

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I agree with Joy. It is not in my husbands nature to hit anyone. But if it did happen I wouldn't be the only one leaving with bruises.

Isobel - posted on 12/08/2010

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If Rupert slapped me, I would check him into a mental institution...cause he just NEVER would hit anybody and I would be worried for his health, but I wouldn't leave.

Now...my ex...I'd have been slamming the door so fast his head would spin.

[deleted account]

I tend to agree with Dana Mak about every situation being different. If my husband slapped or hit me, I'd try and work it out because it would be so out of charachter for him to do something like that. If it was a new relationship and we had just started out....I'd be out the door so fast his head would spin. But I feel like we've worked hard to get to where we are now as a family and one mistake isn't gonna make me think "once an abuser, always an abuser" because I know for a fact that people can change and that sometimes good people do out of charachter bad things and deserve second chances. It also depends on the severity of the attack though. I mean, if we're talking where my husband beat me into the ICU then yeah, I'd probably walk away. But one slap? No, I'm staying.

Bonnie - posted on 12/08/2010

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If it happens once it will happen again. Leave while you still can.

Tah - posted on 12/08/2010

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i would call my brother, the ninja and his legal firearm, my dad, my brother-in-laws(have known me since i was like 5, i am their little sister), my cousins and nephews, and pop some popcorn....THEN..i would leave

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/08/2010

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Leave. My father was very abusive to my mother, and she had the courage to leave. I would LEAVE! There is no reason to stay.

Jess - posted on 12/08/2010

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Leave, leave, leave ! I'm a very patient person but you get physical and your telling me you have no respect for me or my child !

If a man smacked my daughter I would react exactly the same way as if he smacked me !

Erin - posted on 12/08/2010

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I'd be gone without blinking an eye. That is an absolute deal-breaker as far as I'm concerned. And he'd want to hope I kept it to myself. I have a very angry Dad and brother :-p

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