[deleted account] ( 47 moms have responded )
Ok, it'll soon become obvious to you that I've recently stopped smoking. So, in an effort to keep my hands busy, I thought I'd lay some stuff out on the table for everyone. I hope no one takes offense to any of it. It is me and my own personal brand of humor / seriousness. Take it for what it is. Someone in withdrawal, on day nine, white knuckling it, without aid of candy or any oral replacements. I am shocked that I haven't started biting my nails, to be honest lol Anywho, here it is. Feel free to add to the list if you have any :)
I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.
(Things NOT to say to someone in the process of trying to stop smoking.)
Before I begin, I want you to remember to not take any of the following personally. I hope you can see the humor in what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. Don't get your little panties in a wad over it.
Ok, so we all know that stopping smoking is hard. Many of you know this from personal experience and many of you only know it from hearing stories. Well, it's different for everyone. Some people stop smoking and never struggle much with it. Those are the lucky few. For a lot of us, myself included, the word "HARD" doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what it's like. Miserable comes closer, but still isn't accurate. Gut wrenching is closer still, but doesn't quite get it either. For me, the closest I can describe it is: FUCKING INSANE. That's what I've become in my effort to be a healthier mom for my son. FUCKING CRAZY. So be it. I'll keep being crazy indefinitely until I've gotten the hang of being a non-smoker. But in the mean time, some of you feel it necessary to offer your brand of "encouragement" and really, you've gotta stoppit. You know who you are. The reformed smoker, full of wisdom and "how to" advice. The one who never smoked a day in your life, but still think you have something to put on the table (you don't). Then there's the worst kind...the reformed smoker who goes all preachy and judgemental on smokers. We've all met these people. And while much of the advice comes from a good place, an honest place of simply wanting to help, believe me, it doesn't. It really doesn't. So, let's go over the things NEVER to say to someone in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, mkay?
FIRST, don't tell me how your great aunt's best friend's sister quit. I really don't give a shit. You know what I do give a shit about? The fact that I want a cigarette so bad right now that I would walk on glass to get one. I don't care if your sister's nun's mother's remedy worked for a thousand people 100% of the time. Unless the remedy is about 5 inches long and has smoke coming from one end (filter optional at this point), I really don't give a fuck. I want a smoke and hearing you pass along quitting methods just makes me want to shove a dirty sock in your mouth and flick you in the nose for good measure.
SECOND, if you've never smoked a day in your life, you have nothing productive to say to me at any point during my quitting process. The only words regarding me quitting, that are acceptable to come from your mouth are things like : I'm proud of you. Is there anything I can do for you? I love you.
That's pretty much all you have to offer on this subject so if you can't say a variation of any of those things then keep your mouth shut on the subject because you really don't get it and never will.
THIRD, this is for my friends and loved ones who still smoke. You know I'm trying to stop smoking, so please, have the fucking decency to not smoke around me or just before you are going to be seeing me. And if you feel you MUST SMOKE, at least have the decency to wash your hands and suck on a mint afterwards so that I don't have to smell the scent of the thing I crave the most wafting from your body over into my personal space, enticing me and telling me that "just one will be ok".
FOURTH, someone who is trying to stop smoking has thought of it all. We know to suck on candy and to keep our hands busy. We know about doing things to keep our minds off of smoking. So please, don't tell us things we already know. Instead of TELLING me to keep my mind off of it, why don't you HELP me keep my mind off of it. Hmmm?
FIFTH, and this is a HUGE one for all of you former smokers. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT EVER say the words "If I can do it, you can do it." This makes my blood boil. It makes me want to go all Mike Tyson on you, bite your ears off and smoke THEM. A little much? Maybe. But this quitting thing is a different level of hell for every person who tries to do it. Just because you've climbed the mountain and done your Rocky dance, doesn't help me one bit while I'm still on the bottom step and already breathless. If you wanna brag about how great it is that you stopped smoking, don't use my quitting struggles to do it. Call somebody who gives a shit.