If you were the product of a rape...

Kimberly - posted on 10/26/2010 ( 52 moms have responded )

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A) Would you want to know?

B) If the identity of your father was known, would you want to meet him? In a prison?

C) What exchange would you have with this person if you did?

D) Would you consider his family- yours?



Edited to add: Why? And -What if it were a date rape by someone your mother had known for years?

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Jodi - posted on 10/28/2010

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"Incidentally - has anybody explained the conept of rape to their child and at what age? My eldest is nearly 10 but there's no way I would explain it to her yet."



Yes, my son is 13 and knows what rape is - it was part of our more in-depth sex discussion when he was around 11. I don't see anything wrong with a child being aware of the concept of rape around the time they understand what sex is. In fact, I think it an important part of their sex ed, to teach them about consensual and non-consensual sex and that *no* means *no*.

Jodi - posted on 10/29/2010

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Personally I think any kind of *force* is violent. It is the very nature of the intent which, to me, is pure violence in itself.

Charlie - posted on 10/28/2010

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Absolutely Jodi , i think everyone should know that NO means NO .

Tah - posted on 10/26/2010

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nope..different...the offense and volation would have been against my mom....there would be nothing in it for me to force myself on him and would probably cause her some ptsd..nope..he can rot...and that's the best revenge ever anyway...to not give him power..to go on about your life and to have a great one..

Krista - posted on 10/29/2010

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All rape is violent. It's just a degree of it. It's a violent emotion that you're left with. I was date raped. He didn't hurt me. He severely pressured me after having said no, MANY times. I saw no way out of it. The guilt of this coupled with my shame caused very violent emotions in me as well as violent outbursts. Just because you aren't bruised does not mean it's not violent.

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52 Comments

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Lyndsay - posted on 10/29/2010

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Well, my mother is a product of rape. Her mom was 16 and the rapist was her long-term boyfriend, who she had sex with previously but attempted to break up with. My mom was adopted but eventually met her biological mom at the age of 21. She emailed her biological dad a few times years later, but she thinks hes a creep and cut off all contact with him. As for me, I recently met my biological grandpa at a coffee shop. I only agreed to meet him because I'm trying to get my Indian Status card and the only way I can do so is through him... if it weren't for that, I probably never would have looked him up.

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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"Do you mean only *during* the encounter, but not necessarily afterward (later you may feel abused)?"

Wrong choice of words- I was "abused" during the rape and did feel 'abused" afterwards. I guess at that time in my life, being as young as I was, "date rape" wasn't a term with which I was familiar. All I knew of rape was what I had heard about- always being incredibly bloody, violent- which to me, I envisioned to involve being beaten, most likely involving a weapon...so I told no one, because it didn't go down like that- at all.

In the context that you quoted- by "abused" I meant bloodied. This is from a little kid's perspective.

Jodi - posted on 10/28/2010

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"Just because you don't feel like you were abused during a sexual encounter that was against your will- it is STILL RAPE."



I'm actually confused as to how you could not feel abused during a sexual encounter that is against your will? I'm struggling to find a circumstance under which I would ever feel like I hadn't been abused if it was against my will. Do you mean only *during* the encounter, but not necessarily afterward (later you may feel abused)?

Jane - posted on 10/28/2010

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A) No - I would be devastated
B) No way, no how...NO, NO, NO
C) N/A
D) NOPE!

I would never want to know..even if it was a date rape. I think it would be a horrible thing to know. If I did find out, I would never want to know him, his family...nothing. I would hate him and subsequently his family and I would never forgive him for what he did to my mother.

C. - posted on 10/28/2010

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I agree.. That should be part of basic sex-ed, teaching them the difference between consensual and non-consensual sex.

Jakki - posted on 10/28/2010

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I hate the idea of not being truthful to kids, but I think in this case it would be better not to know that your own father is a horrible man. Espcially if the child is a boy, because it might play games with his head as he gets older and he might think he inherited this tendency. I would maybe tell the kid that the father is awful and they should never try to find him, but just not go into details about rape.

Incidentally - has anybody explained the conept of rape to their child and at what age? My eldest is nearly 10 but there's no way I would explain it to her yet.

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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On the contrary- read it in a different way. Just because you don't feel like you were abused during a sexual encounter that was against your will- it is STILL RAPE.



As a rape victim myself, this is how I feel. I also feel my rape was not violent. But it was still rape none-the-less.



And I think it must be therapeutic to talk about it- bring your own rapes in a thread that was wasn't about the violence of rapes. There's nothing wrong with wanting to talk about it.



Edited to add:



So what you're saying is-- just because I don't consider my rape to have been violent- then it didn't happen? I wanna be validated too!

Amie - posted on 10/28/2010

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Oh but Loureen it might be good therapy for some of us. =/



What is that? Really? Good therapy? If someone is still suffering the effects of rape years after wards, good therapy will not come in the form of an online forum. It will come in the form of a psychologist, who they see on a professional basis. Jesus.

Charlie - posted on 10/28/2010

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"Sex against your will does not have to be violent to be classified as RAPE"


That actually made me throw up a little in my mouth , what an inconsiderate , insensitive thing to say as a rape victem who was left with no visible marks and wasnt beaten i feel really angry at your comment .

I dont want to debate violence i just want you to know how your words affect people how it affects all victems of rape when you trivialize it .
I have put it behind me but it doesnt mean because i can go forward in life that everyone elses can or that rape is anything less than violence .

I mean by your logic people who continue to say they love their abuser is not REALLY in a violent relationship because in other ways they are nice ?

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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"Are you sure you weren't watching Kiss the Girls? Because that's straight out of a James Patterson Novel!"

Not familiar with Jimmy, buuuuut...maybe the story was based on this charmer. Huh huh

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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My idea of violence may not be the same as yours. I'm not gonna try to one up somebody on rape for the love of Pete. Some people may hang on to that event for the rest of their lives, but to be honest, I have never really thought about it until I mentioned it a few minutes ago. Now had someone beaten the snot out of me, I may keep it fresh in the mind. But that's just me. I'm not going to tell you how long to carry that burden around with you. I think I just have a different perception of violence. I'll say it again, RAPE IS RAPE-- and it is violent, to some more than others in many more ways than one.

I wasn't trying to debate the violent aspects of rape but I think this might be good therapy for some. So I don't mind the thread being commandeered at all.

JuLeah - posted on 10/28/2010

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Well, in some ways, I believe I am. My mother was abused by my father. He was violent! She was so frightened of him and I have a hard time believing they had a good sex life. I am not sure when the laws changed to reflect that a husband could be charged with rape, but I think mine ought to have been.

Amie - posted on 10/28/2010

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"Also, as a person that was date rapped as a teen, I can attest, it was not violent."

Why? Because he didn't beat the snot out of you? He just held you down and forced himself on you?

What is wrong with society is this attitude and many others like it. Rape is the woman's fault, Rape isn't always violent, Are you kidding me?!

I've been raped, it's how I lost my virginity. Just because he didn't leave me black and blue, bleeding on the side of the road does not mean it wasn't violent. It impacted me, very deeply, for a long time. He took something from me, even if I hadn't been a virgin, he violated me. Which in and of itself is violent because someone else is forcing their will on you.

Would I want to meet a rapist if I found out I was a product of one? No I wouldn't. I'd rather beat the ever loving snot out of him.

I'd want to know, if only to understand my mother better. Some women are severely hampered by something like that, some women come out stronger in the end because of it. It would be another peek into why my mother is the woman she is.

No his family would not be mine. They may be very nice people but the fact that we share DNA does not make them family.

Why?! I think the why has been answered above. It was not by someone my mother had known for years, it was someone that my best friend had though. It didn't impact the relationship with my friend, how was she to know he was a raving fucking lunatic underneath his "nice" exterior?

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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I see where you are taking this but it is getting really deep and nowhere near what I was asking in my post. The nature of rape is a violation yes yes. Just asking either way the cookie crumbled, would you meet the man depending on slightly different circumstances. That's all. It's okay. Simma. I don't need to be schooled on the definition of rape. I feel the passion. I'm with ya.

Erin - posted on 10/28/2010

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Kimberly, the very nature of rape - being a violation of a person's bodily autonomy, is violent. There may not be weapons or beating, but forcing their will on a woman and invading her body is indeed violent.

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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Sex against your will does not have to be violent to be classified as RAPE.

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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Also, as a person that was date raped as a teen, I can attest, it was not violent.

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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Not always- here's an example: Here in Houston several years ago, there was a rapist, nicknamed 'Casanova". Honest to God, all of his victims said he was very polite despite the fact that he was indeed raping them, he was otherwise very pleasant. He was also very handsome according to the victims.

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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I agree, I don't think the kids ever need to know about that.

And again, rape is rape. For the sake of the argument I was trying to see if meeting a violent rapist would be harder than a non-violent one- that resulted in your birth of which neither man was never an active part of your upbringing.

[deleted account]

Kimberly, that pretty much IS my story except I was married to the man. It wasn't 'violent', but it doesn't make it any better since I was begging him no because I was in pain and he just didn't care/listen. I don't hold his family responsible, but I don't like them anyway. ;) Except his cousin, but he isn't biologically related to my ex. ;) As I said though, my kids will never know about that night and if my father had done something similar.... I wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want it to change who he is to me and I don't want that for my kids either.

Kimberly - posted on 10/28/2010

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Rape is rape. But what if it wasn't a violent traumatic experience with a complete stranger but the son of a family she had been living with for years. He pushed himself on her while she kept saying "no". There was never violence involved just his persistent pressuring and non violent overpowering while she kept saying "no". If that family were still in contact with your mother, and you knew he was your biological father, would it make it easier to think of them as family. Any easier to forgive him? Meet him?

Erin - posted on 10/28/2010

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Nope.. a simple 'your father was not around' would suffice. Nobody needs to be burdened with that.



And I'm also not sure why it being a date rape would make a difference? We've heard horrible stories - just in this thread - of marital rape. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Julie - posted on 10/27/2010

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A - Nope.
B - No. Hell no.
C - I'd be tempted to castrate him, just to get back for my momma. ... and I've castrated cats, dogs, bulls and horses so I KNOW how!
D - They would be mine, by blood only. I wouldn't seek them out, but if I found out someone I knew was a relative, I wouldn't hold it against them.

I find it to be repulsive and have no interest in knowing any individual.

If my mother considered it to be rape, the circumstances do not matter.

Jessica - posted on 10/27/2010

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I guess this goes against the majority but No on all accounts, I wouldn't want to know, sometimes the saying " Ignorance is bliss" rings true. I think this would be the case for me.

C. - posted on 10/27/2010

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Well, I would like to think that I would want to know and that I would want to meet him. I would also like to ask why he did such a heinous act.

I don't know what else would happen. I would consider them family b/c of blood relation, but other than that, I'm not sure I would want anything more to do with them b/c who's to say he wouldn't strike again?

Well, my mom actually was raped by someone her family had known for a while when she was young. It wouldn't change the fact that they did something wrong.

Becky - posted on 10/27/2010

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It is hard to know the answers without being in the situation. I'm not sure I would want to know. I think it'd depend how I'd grown up. If my mom had been raped by a stranger (or even not), but I'd grown up in a loving family, with a man who had acted as my father since birth, then no, I don't think I'd want to know. If I'd grown up with no father around ever, well, then, yes, I'd want to know who my father was.
I don't think I'd want to meet him, but again, whether I did or not, and how I'd handle it if I did, would depend on how I'd been raised. If I'd been raised with bitterness and resentment, I'd handle meeting him with bitterness and resentment. If I'd been raised with forgiveness, then maybe I'd handle it better.
No, I wouldn't consider his family mine.
For those who say you wouldn't want to know or wouldn't tell your kids if they were a product of rape, what would you tell them then, if they asked about their father? Would you lie to them?

Jenn - posted on 10/27/2010

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I know this isn't a fair answer, but I really don't think I can answer this question unless I was truly in that situation.

Sal - posted on 10/26/2010

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firstly date rape is rape....the end!
but would i want to know, probally as an adult, would i want to meet him, no, i might want to meet his family, (mostly if it was the date rape situation, i don't know why maybe because of a history with my mum) but not him. would his family be my family, no, your family is the people who raise you, love you, nuture you, you are not family iin my books just by dna....if the family had been supportive during my upbringing helped mum out and acknowleged me inspite of the circumstances then they would already be my family..

[deleted account]

I'm sorry Kati. :(

None of my children are a product of rape, but my rapist is their father. There is no way that telling them about that night is necessary for anyone. It was one horrible night in the midst of a screwed up, but sometimes good relationship. That is one piece of information they do NOT ever need about their father.

Rosie - posted on 10/26/2010

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i am a product of rape, and while it bugged me at first knowing that, it made my mothers relationship with my father a bit easier to understand. so i'm glad i know. i asked my mother why she had sex with him when they were broken up (i was conceived after they divorced the first time, yes she married him twice) her response was that she really didnt have a choice of whether or not she wanted to have sex, it was forced upon her.
my father is an all around piece of shit, he abused us, and obviously my mother, so i don't want contact with him even if i didn't know that he raped my mother.
my father was married to my mother,so it makes it more complicated about family and such. not that they bothered with us after my parents divorce, but i guess my grandmother always send us stuff on our birthday and christmas. my mother never told me about it though,until pretty recently. i would've considered his family mine if they had made an effort.

[deleted account]

A) Sure, why not? I knew my mother wanted to put me up for adoption. I may very well BE a product of a rape.

B) If he raped my mother, then no, I wouldn't want to meet him.

C) If I did, I would ask him why he did it. My reaction would depend on his answer.

D) No, I wouldn't. His family would be his, and mine would be mine. This would be IF he had actually raped my mother.

E) If my mother had been raped by someone she had known for years, I don't know that I'd want to meet him or anything like that. If he had raped my mother, his friend, then he must have had something wrong with him and I wouldn't want to have any part in that.

I don't have the best relationship with my mother as it is. She has problems telling the truth. My real father, or at least who she says was my father, never knew I existed and died in a motorcycle crash around eight years ago. Surprisingly enough, it was around that age that I desperately wanted to meet him, but my mother and grandmother refused. According to my family, though, he was a decent guy who loved kids and would have loved being a father. I've never had a dad, and barely a mother (raised by my grandparents) so even though I don't know him it hurts to know I'll never meet him.

But I don't think I would feel nearly the same had I been told all my life he was my mother's rapist. If the stories conflicted, I would believe whoever said he hadn't raped her, because I wouldn't want to be the product of a rape. But that's human nature for you: you don't want to exist because of something so negative.

Isobel - posted on 10/26/2010

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nope...well...maybe as an adult, but DEFINITELY not as a child! I know as a child of divorce I always wondered if my parents ever loved each other and what that meant about me...I don't know ow it would've felt to KNOW that he was a rapist.

I think I would've been permanently damaged.

[deleted account]

A) I would want to know but I think it would be better to wait until I was grown to tell me. Growing up with no father is hard enough. An adult is more likely to handle the news better.
B) Only reason I'd want to meet him is so I could have the chance to bitch him out for harming my mother and to tell him what a sonofabitch he is.
C) See B.
D) No.

If it were a date rape by someone my mother had known for years it really wouldn't make a difference to me. My answers would still apply.

Sharon - posted on 10/26/2010

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A) Would you want to know?

I don't think so.

B) If the identity of your father was known, would you want to meet him? In a prison?

I think so. To try & figure out why he was sick & disgusting. Was it a mental thing? Evil personality? Lack of morals? WHY? "why" figures a lot in those thoughts and I'm damned grateful I don't have to figure out those questions.

C) What exchange would you have with this person if you did?

Mostly medical I think. Maybe some history.

D) Would you consider his family- yours?

Probably not. There is a reason he is the way he is.

Edited to add: Why? And -What if it were a date rape by someone your mother had known for years?

No. no no no no no.

Kimberly - posted on 10/26/2010

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Miss Tah Tit for Tat - why give him the control- Again? Force yourself on him the way he forced himself on her.

Tah - posted on 10/26/2010

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i would want to know..no to the rest..if she knew him, he wasn't such a great friend now was he...chances are he didn't want me to be the smoking gun in her case so i doubt he wants to meet me...

Erin - posted on 10/26/2010

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I would want to know but would say no to the rest. To the ones who said they wouldn't want to know....why?

Alahnna - posted on 10/26/2010

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That's a tough one. I think yes, I would want to know but I'm not sure about the rest. I probably wouldn't want to associate with the family, etc. But I may want to meet him just out of curiosity and to find out why he would do such a thing, just because I am a curious kind of person and always want an answer to everything, lol

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