Initiating Sex.

Tara - posted on 07/04/2011 ( 35 moms have responded )

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So a friend was telling me that her sister NEVER initiates sex. She firmly believes that it is a man's role to do so.
She said that since the man is the one who has to actually get an erection than he should be the one to initiate the act itself. She is not religious and this is not based on something her husband has said etc. I know her husband and I don't think he even knows she thinks this way.

I agree that with my ex he was the one who initiated most often, mostly because I didn't care too much in the last 4 years about having sex with someone who I didn't like much.

But with Steve I initiate a lot more than he does, just cause he is always ready so he lets me take advantage more often. lol

What about you, do you think it is more the man's role to start the interplay that leads to sex?

I know this could be posted in the sex and marriage community, but I like it here, and I know you all have sex, so this should be an easy one.

:)

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Krista - posted on 07/04/2011

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And, just a question here ... when talking about men and women ... is a penis involved every time??? Doesn't that get kind of ... dull?

I can't speak for all couples, but I would assume that if we want our partners to also be pleasured, then yes, their genitals would need to get in on the action at some point as well. Not that penetrative sex needs to take place every time -- some couples mix it up by using their hands and mouths in addition to (or as a replacement for) intercourse. But speaking personally, good old fashioned penis-in-vagina sex is EXTREMELY enjoyable, and far from dull.

[deleted account]

There is nooky in my future i will make sure of it :p But how far in the future is the question, lol.
Need money for toys and living in a very small town where everyone knows everyone doesn't help with a 'friend'.

[deleted account]

haha, yes. My husband and I (3 years into our marriage) are still in our "honeymoon phase." We jump each other pretty much every chance we get. Its rare for one or the other to not be in the mood. All I have to do is say something/do something provocative and he is ready to go, same for me!

Angela- This is going to sound ridiculous, but just say over and over to yourself "I'm sexy" and the confidence that radiates from you will increase your sex appeal = ]

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Krista - posted on 07/05/2011

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@Stephanie: You're the one talking about toys, and you tell me I'M not shy? ; ) Pot, meet kettle. LOL!

No, I'm not shy. I don't divulge a lot of detail about my own sex life on here, because that's my own business. But speaking in generalities, yes, I tend to be very frank. Why dance around it? We're all adults here.

Stifler's - posted on 07/04/2011

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I don't et anything from toys. They're only fun if you use them with someone else.

Jessica - posted on 07/04/2011

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*snickers* and THAT is why I too have a toy. And ppl think because I am attracted to BOTH I automatically jump into bed with anyone. I will tell you now. I have been celebit since may. THAT was the last time he "touched" me and the same month he left in handcuffs. I get more outta a toy than ANY man(or woman).... not that my experience is extensive... but still. Tha'ts just from what experience I have.

Stifler's - posted on 07/04/2011

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I think both need to initiate every once in a while! I initiate sex most of the time but once in a while he does and I like it more when he does.

Ella - posted on 07/04/2011

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I initiate most of the time, because we rarely have sex. When he tries to initiate he knows he wont get anywhere. When we do which is maybe once a month I start it . He knows if I dont then Im not interested

JuLeah - posted on 07/04/2011

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Nah, no pitty ... it just sucks; the system, I mean.


Heather .. :) nice of you to do that ....I guess that is, in part, why I don't have sex with men .... so very not attracted ... not that I don't like penatration every now and again, but the sock drawer is the place for that toy

Any color, any size ... options are fun

Lady Heather - posted on 07/04/2011

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Ah, Stephanie. There is a special place in hell for that asshole.

Yeah, Juleah - I think my husband would be pretty pissy if I didn't at least LOOK at his penis during a sexual encounter.

Jessica - posted on 07/04/2011

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*looks at Krista's post*uh... *bright red face* .... not a shy one are you?





*and no. My husband is not in jail. A restraining order, however has been issued. The officers and I talked it over. The rape of a spouse BY a spouse it too hard to prove in a court of law. I would get dragged through and in short. The legal system sucks. It was either go through it and lose (even with him admitting it and an ear witness) or just let the officers take him for Disorderly conduct and domestic violence. FAR easier to prove and the judge and it won't be a vicious court battle involving stress and what not (making it harder to hide from the kids). He plead out though.... and he did not have anything on his record so...probation and not being allowed to come here.

JuLeah - posted on 07/04/2011

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Stephaine ... I do hope your ex is in jail where he can't rape other women ... sounds like he likes causing pain

JuLeah - posted on 07/04/2011

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Is this limited to men and women? Why would you leave anything up to one person alone? Why would one person have that kind of power?

And, just a question here ... when talking about men and women ... is a penis involved every time??? Doesn't that get kind of ... dull?

Krista - posted on 07/04/2011

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Your friend's sister is a little weird, in my opinion. Yes, men get erections, but those are due to increased blood flow to the genital area due to arousal. Does this woman never become aroused and experience increased blood flow to the genitals? I don't see why there's a big difference there. And her husband would probably be delighted if she initiated lovemaking once in awhile.

@Stephanie: I'm glad you're rid of him. What a jerk.

Kylie - posted on 07/04/2011

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I only initiate about 10% of the time. My husband likes it when i initiate and hes asked me to do it more. It shouldn't be just the mans role. Before kids I was always the initiator.

Jessica - posted on 07/04/2011

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OK. heres a whole new can of worms. My husband did not just initiate it, but he raped me starting after our youngest was born. I think their needs to be a happy medium. Previously to the string of incidents that have ended our marriage, I was always afraid to initiate sex. Why? Because he was a very selfish "lover" and did not like me initiating anything. looking back, he got off on "persuading" me to have sex when I did not want to.

Tara - posted on 07/04/2011

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LOL @ Shannen
I thought of you after I posted that line about all of you having sex. lol
I knew you would say something... still no nooky in your future huh?
Lady you need a toy! Or a friend with benefits...
lol

[deleted account]

"and I know you all have sex"

Have had..... Being single makes it hard! :p

But when i was with my ex he did initiate it more then i did but i did my fair share of initiating. It would have been boring if he was the only one who ever did it.

Rosie - posted on 07/04/2011

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it should be done equally, i hink my husband likes to know that i want him, and i like knowing that as well. :)

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 07/04/2011

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"A Lady in the Streets, but a Freak in the sheets" =))

One of many mottos I live by ;-)

Desiree - posted on 07/04/2011

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Now thats a sure fire way of destroying a relationship if you ask me. And she would be the first to turn around and wonder why he found someone else. Nope I totally believe in " A lady in Public, a slut in the bedroom".

Carolee - posted on 07/04/2011

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I tease my husband until he can't not initiate something more. I love surprising him by randomly wearing a corset or something when he least expects it... especially when he can't do anything about it right then (i.e.- the kids are playing in the other room, I do a quick change, he walks in the room and sees me, then I change back into my normal clothes... or when we're about to leave the house and I'm "deciding what to wear").

Merry - posted on 07/04/2011

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Matt usually initiates sex cuz he wants it alot more then I do. But when I want it I'll initiate, well if I want it I just start! Lol he's never refused ever! But I think if h e didn't ask for a while I'd worry he didn't find me sexy. It's weird, I get annoyed when he asks too much cuz I'm not in the mood, but if he doesn't ask enough I get self conscious!
He says he can't win ;) but every once and a while I get in the mood and he gets a nice wake up surprise!

Maybe the sister never initiates cuz she never wants to? Maybe she only does it out of obligation? I don't think it sounds like a good sex life to me if one partner never is interested in sex.

Elfrieda - posted on 07/04/2011

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I think it stings a little more when the man says, "No, thanks, not right now" than when the woman does, just because of what society projects as normal for men and women.

But I can see all kinds of problems that would come from the woman never initiating:
1) husband might feel like she doesn't think he's sexy, or only has sex as a favour to him.
2) If the wife wants to, but the husband doesn't initiate, she might get really grumpy, which won't do their relationship any good.
3) If the wife never initiates, is she also never allowed to say no? I can see all kinds of resentment and actual trauma coming from that situation.

Lady Heather - posted on 07/04/2011

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If I waited for him all the time, it probably wouldn't happen very much. He falls asleep instantly and goes to bed early because he gets up at 4 so I always have to wake him up.

[deleted account]

Angela I find that when I'm not feeling sexy initiating the sex and seeing him turned on by me actually makes me feel sexy :-)

[deleted account]

She said that since the man is the one who has to actually get an erection than he should be the one to initiate the act itself.

So she expects a man to be fully erect before coming to her?

Angela - posted on 07/04/2011

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I think that initiating sex is an effort for both partners, but sometimes it depends on self-esteem. As teen angst as that sounds, after I had our daughter, I ended up gaining alot of weight and lost alot of self confidence. So, often times, he is the one who initiates, but he's not left to do everything.

[deleted account]

Definately not, I think in a healthy partnership both people should initiate sex, it shouldn't be up to just one person to do all the work all the time.

My hubby and I both initiate sex when we want it, if the other isn't in the mood we either don't continue (if they really don't want to) or we put in the effort to arouse them. I would be really frustrated if I always had to be the one to initiate sex - I would wonder what was wrong with me and if he didn't fancy me any more.

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