Is it bad parenting to let children get involved in what SHOULD be adult decisions?

Ashley - posted on 04/11/2013

My youngest calls my husband daddy cuz he is the only dad he has known. We are taking the Superman donor to court to terminate his rights and my husband is going to adopt my son. Also my husband's ex left NY stepdaughter hone alone at 2 years old and they are about to terminate hee rights and NY husband will have sole custody and I will be adopting her. She does not call me mommy but if she chooses to that is her decision. I will not correct her but I will not make her call me mommy either. She has called me monmy in occasion but not all the time. But her egg donor and my sobs sperm donor are not in there lives and before long I will be here mom and NY husband will be his dad and we are the ones caring for them day and night so we have earned the titles. It is completely the child's decision.

Kerrie - posted on 02/27/2013

yes it is so long as not pressured by other parties

Jodi - posted on 02/27/2013

But that's your family, and your individual circumstances. Let's say the kids decided just to call you mum, should they feel BAD about that and be told no?

I am a step-mother too, and neither of my step kids call me mum, but isn't the choice up to the child?

Kerrie - posted on 02/27/2013

jodi i see where you are coming from. i am a step parent to 2 boys who i love deeply and treat as my own, however i personally dont think i would feel right with them calling me mum.
i am not their mum.
they show me how much they love me by the way they treat me

Jodi - posted on 02/26/2013

Oh, sorry, I was responding to Kerrie :)

Shell - posted on 02/26/2013

Jodi, no I TOTALLY agree with you!! That is not an adult decision... that is one made from a childs heart. Not a parent forcing it... but simply allowing that bond and love to simply BE. Nothing wrong with it.

An adult decision is letting them vote if they get to play call of duty at 5 years old. UHM??? NOT!! =) sorry for the confusion. =)

Jodi - posted on 02/26/2013

Except that calling a step parent mum or dad isn't an adult decision, it's generally the child's decision when and if it happens. There should be nothing wrong with it.

Shell - posted on 02/26/2013

I think that a step parent is just as much of a parent as a bio parent. Most step MOMS deserve just as much love, and have earned it, as a bio parent. They give just as much love, taking care, bathing, helping with homework, driving the child around, kissing booboos, laundry, cooking for, picking up after and EVERYTHING that a "bio" parent does. Why shouldn't they get the special name of "Mom" ... short for Step Mom???

I wish the divorce rate wasn't so high. I wish that so many children were NOT born out of wedlock. I wish that little girls and boys were not making babies. But all my wishing is for naught. Unfortunately... it is what it is. And step parents are here. They are here to stay in many cases. They deserve just as much love from that child as a bio parent. They do exactly the same things, why do bio parents think they are soooo much better than step parents??? THAT is what I think is confusing to the kids. Just let it go.... Children today sometimes have 4 parents... 2 moms and 2 dads. Whether we like it or not..... it is the world today, as screwed up as it is.

And NO WAY should children be involved in grown up decisions. Nope.

Kerrie - posted on 02/26/2013

i totally agree with you. children should not be dictating to their parents but should do as they are told.
i feel kids dont need to know about adult problems or issues and it often puts a lot of pressure on the child

Lorraine - posted on 02/26/2013

In this age, where children grow up too fast, I think they should remain children as long as possible. Maybe when they are in secondary school ie 11-16, then they should be consulted but not before then. I know this is a side-step from the topic subject but ...

Gina - posted on 02/22/2013

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Gina - posted on 02/22/2013

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Sally - posted on 02/22/2013

It depends on what "should" be an adult decision. Some parents consider their children to be individual human beings worthy of respect. While we have the final say on matters of health and safety, we value our children enough to get their input on other topics that concern them.

Kathryn - posted on 02/19/2013

I think every family should find what is best for them.
Maybe if they call the step parent a different name than the bio parent.

A lot will depend on the relationship of the bio parents, when the step parent became invoved with the family.
Many grandchildren have pet names for their grandparents.

I'm a step mom to one. He came into my family at age 11. He called me Mom a couple of times to 'try it on', and then went back to calling me by my first name.
I'm not trying to be his Mom, because he has one, even though he never sees her. (her choice)

Lorraine - posted on 02/18/2013

I do agree with you actually. Because if my daughter had a step parent it would hurt if she called her step-mum Mum. It think it is best for all if the biological parents are mum and dad and step-parents are called by first name. My dad had a step-dad and called him Dad but he never sent him a Father's Day card because he was not his real dad (who had died in 1943 when my dad was 2) and called him Dad just for his mum's sake really and it was a generation thing.

It must be nice that step-kids and step-parents have that sort of relationship where the child does want to call them mum or dad and must be great for family harmony.

Laura Zoey - posted on 02/17/2013

I think kids just need a special title to call a step parent if they so choose. What are they supposed to call them? Dave? Janet? This is so awkward. So maybe the fix would be a new name that could show I love you and love having you as my parent. What I don't think is that parents should be driving a wedge between their child and their child's step parent if the step parent is a genuinely nice person committed to the child's well being. Of course it would hurt to have your child calling someone else mom. But a kid should have some way to show respect and love to a step parent if it's deserved.
The answer? I have no idea. But I know the fix would be a new name which would show love to a step parent

Stefanie - posted on 02/17/2013

depends on sitioun like if a child dosenbt want to live with one parent becuse of whatever going on an really want to be with the other say in a devoice situion i think the judge should listen to the child sometime we when your a kid an why some adults forget this .get tread like we dont no anything or are stupid when i was dating someone his daughter wanted to live with him so bad when i met his ex i could see why .it wasnt till she was 13 the judge agree .i dont like how childern are tread at times. but ya something they dont need to no about

Cecilia - posted on 02/16/2013

"Firstly, the reason most second marriages fail is that they are undertaken by people who already showed they couldn't keep their *first* marriage going."

My first husband was when I was 18. He was abusive and slept with prostitutes. Yep I ran like a bat our of hell from that marriage. So you're saying because i left, i will fail at my 2nd marriage? I really don't see how this works. I do believe that many times if you remarry quickly it might cause issues. I didn't remarry until I was 32. I took time to get my life on track without relying on anyone else. I also think in my old age (i'm kidding) i'm much more stable emotionally and able to deal with working on a marriage.

Anyways back on topic... as i mentioned i had a lot of time between marriages so my children were quiet old themselves.I did not expect them to call my husband dad. Sorry to me that is silly. It was never even asked to be that way by my husband. For 4 years while we were friends he was always "Jeremy" to them. Now all of a sudden he's dad? No that doesn't work out in my mind. Although his father is Grandpa Tom and his step mother is Grandma Vicki. We give the title with the name for a simple reason. There is too many family members. There are two grandma Carols too lol. I was adopted yet i know my parents. He has step parents. So yea It gets confusing if we don't use names. For some reason great grandparents go by last name. Greatgrandma Sebring and greatgrandma Pierson.

Mind you as i said there are step parents in my husbands life. He never called them mom or dad. He called them by their first name also. My foster sister's oldest daughter calls her husband dad when introducing but calls him by his first name.

My children are expected to call my elders miss or mister [insert name here]. This means if someone is old enough to be my mother or grandmother they are expected to use formal titles. For example Mr. Joe lives next door. Mrs. Cathy is their bus driver. Make sense?

Aunts are born into title. It is not up for discussion. Like calling me mom. Sorry you were born with this in place. A step-parent was not a born into title. They already have a dad/father.

Julia - posted on 02/15/2013

Kel80. Beautifully stated and on target! If only people could step back from their own selfish pursuits long enough to "get it".

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2013

"If you are really good at making a marriage work, in most cases you won't get divorced in the first place (there are of course exceptions, I'm talking statistical trends). So people who enter into a second marriage tend to be people who struggle at making a marriage work. "

I actually beg to differ on this point, because a marriage requires TWO people to make it work, not just that one person who is remarried. Many people who remarry are more than willing to work on a marriage in a constructive way, but frequently, the reason for the divorce is because the other person wasn't. They were just ONE party in a marriage that didn't work. So people who enter into second marriages are not necessarily these people you believe they are. Just saying ;)

Statistically, you are correct, a higher percentage of second marriages don't work. But can I ask, have you EVER blended a family? No, it isn't the kids' "fault" if the second marriage doesn't work, but there are often many more elements in a second marriage that need to be dealt with that CAN make it much more complicated to manage that could potentially take their toll.

Ettina - posted on 02/11/2013

Firstly, the reason most second marriages fail is that they are undertaken by people who already showed they couldn't keep their *first* marriage going. If you are really good at making a marriage work, in most cases you won't get divorced in the first place (there are of course exceptions, I'm talking statistical trends). So people who enter into a second marriage tend to be people who struggle at making a marriage work. Of course there'll be a high failure rate! And in most cases it has nothing to do with the kids, it has to do with the couple themselves.

As for why kids from blended families have more issues, again, this is nothing to do with not calling their stepparents 'Mom' or 'Dad'. It's to do with two things, both inherent to divorce itself.

Firstly, it has to do with why the marriage broke up. If you're getting divorced, it's pretty much guaranteed there's something going wrong that convinces you that divorce is necessary. In many cases, that same issue can have a negative impact on the child. An extreme example would be abuse, milder examples would be constant arguing or disagreement over how to parent (resulting in inconsistent parenting practices).

Secondly, when the marriages breaks up, this in itself is traumatic to most kids. They typically have strong emotional bonds with *both* parents, and no matter how you manage custody, the kid will be seeing less of at least one parent. And many couples don't resolve custody in the ideal way. Furthermore, the stress and arguing that usually takes place is deeply upsetting to children as well.

Regarding healthy discipline, children should be neither slaves nor uncontrolled. One branch of psychology, known as social domain theory, argues that children naturally perceive different domains of behavior.

Two domains refer to behavior that is inherently bad - the moral domain refers to behavior causing harm to others, and the prudential domain is behavior causing harm to yourself. Children readily accept and benefit from firm rules in those two domains (although older kids start to resent too much control in the prudential domain).

At the other end is the personal domain. This refers to non-harmful behavior that holds a deep personal significance to the child. These are things children feel that no one should have the right to dictate to them, and often include things like what toys to play with and who to be friends with. Research shows that overcontrol in this area has a serious negative impact on the child.

In between is the conventional domain. In this section are behaviors that are not inherently harmful, but not very important to the child, and children instinctively accept that this category of behaviors falls under different rules in different situations. An example might be raising your hand before speaking - need to do that in school, but not at home or with friends.

The thing is, for most kids, what they call their stepparent will fall into the personal domain. If a child does not feel emotionally close to someone, or resents them replacing their parent, they will not want to call that person 'Mom' or 'Dad'. And forcing them to do so can be psychologically damaging - and *will not* improve their bond with that person.

S. - posted on 12/05/2012

10 pages of comments I have to admit I haven't read sorry.

I myself could never call anyone else mum/dad/ nana/grandad or even auntie so and so if their wasn't.

My friends often thought my mum was wonderful and called her mum (she was however more of a mother to others then her own kids but that's a whole different story) and my point being I could never bring myself say it to someone else. I personally find it disrespectful.



My oldest daughter is not my hb and her father isn't around and I have let her choose what to call my hb family, she mostly calls my hb by his name, occasionally she says dad and she refers to him as her step dad.

Mil asked if my daughter would like to call her grandma i left it down to my daughter and she said " NO it seemed odd" and my mil was utterly offended. My daughter would call my mil's sister by her name and my mil would be calling out "it's auntie-----" my daughter doesn't call my sisters auntie----- the only in-law my daughter call by "title" is my hb grandad and again although they all would have been offended if she called him by his name I left it up to her. I wouldn't force her and I wouldn't stop her either, I think if bio dad would have been present calling my hb dad would have been disrespectful to bio dad, the Same as if bio dad would have a wife and my D called her mum I'd be devastated.

Amanda - posted on 12/04/2012

I dont think kids should be allowed to call their step parent mom or dad, unless they are old enough to choose which parent they want to live with. If my mom ever re marries Id consider calling that man Dad and i wouldnt care what anyone else thinks.

Roxanna - posted on 12/02/2012

Personally, I never asked my girls to call my second husband "Daddy". Both the girls have different Dads and although the youngest one hsees her Dad regularly, at two she was calling my husband Daddy. I explained to her that she already has a dad so maybe calling my husband Daddy was not a good idea. She said that Chris (my husband) was the Daddy she lived with and Manny (her Dad) was the Daddy that made her, now she has two daddy's. Logic froma two year old. My ex wasn't too pleased, but he came around after a while because he sees how well my husband takes care of her.

My oldest ones dad was never really there. At 12, my oldest decided to call my Chris, Daddy. Much to our surprise, HER logic was that Chris had been more of a "Dad" to er than the Bio Dad.

How would I feel if my daughter (the oldest) called her Co Mom "Mom"? I'd be jealous, BUT, if she treats my daughter well and loves her dearly, by all means, I have to get over MY jealousy and feel blessed my daughter is so loved.

Sara - posted on 11/24/2012

Anyway, OP, I agree -- and no, people don't think about it. They just want things and then rationalize them.

Sara - posted on 11/24/2012

"I see your point. But if an adopted child is okay to call someone who isn't a bio parent "Mom" or "Dad" why should it be different for a step child/ step parent relationship?"



You're kidding, right?



Because a stepparent isn't the new mom or dad. The old parent hasn't died, hasn't given up rights, usually hasn't gone anywhere.



Frankly, when older children are adopted, wise adoptive parents will refrain from pushing the mom/dad label. In the child's heart, it belongs to someone else. Wise adoptive parents also know that someday, even if the child was an infant when adopted, that child may one day go looking for "my real mom".

Evelyn - posted on 11/22/2012

This started as a thread of children being allowed to know and make choices that belong to adults. I agree with that totally but I do not agree that children should not be allowed to know what is going on. I grew up with a set of parents that wanted to protect us from things as we grew up. I was completely okay with it to a point. Being their child and having a sibling too, we were their responsiblity. And they did this until I was 18 and my sibling was 16. I have always told my children what is going on in terms they would understand for their ages. They did not make the choices but if they had something to say about the situation, I would listen to their words and take it into consideration. Sometimes hearing something from one of my kids actually gave me the reason to make the choice to do something or not. They did not make the decision but something they said helped me to decide. After they hit their teens, I did let them make some choices after discussion on what happens depending on the choices made. This helps them to learn how adults choose things. Teens are almost to the adult stage by then anyway and need the guidance on how to choose what is best or thought to be best. But leaving them in the dark not knowing the situation is not good. They need to know because the choices we make as parents does affect them all the time. The children do not need to make the choice but the need to know so they won't be surprised about it. Sometimes they should be allowed to voice an opinion about it though the choice lies with the parents. And when they get older, they should be allowed some choices. That is the way I see it.

Shell - posted on 11/10/2012

When we got married... I became step-mom. My (step) son chooses to call me Mom. When asked why... He said "because its shorter". And I'm sure its somewhat due to the fact that I met my husband when he was one and we were married when he was 4. It has been explained millions of times... how I became Step Mom via Marriage. He is not confused about my role as his Dad's wife and his step mom.



Much the same way I GOT 2 MOMS. I married my husband and now his Mom is my Mom 2. So my step son, myself and my husband are VERY LUCKY because we all 3 have 2 MOMS NOW =) And that is acceptable right? For me to call my inlaws mom and dad? And they never changed my dirty diapers or many of the things I do for my (step) son!! =)



Additionally when we have my SS I do everything that a "real " mom would do. I'd say I've earned the right to be called and loved by him like A MOM, not his only Mom. But as one of them. I would NEVER turn him against her (even if I think she is a completely worthless ding dong) and I would never say anything bad to him about her.

Kristi - posted on 08/18/2012

Kids know who is who in their mind as it relates to his little world. They know how they feel about an adult. I'm quite surprised your stepson didn't naturally start calling you mom if you had been the primary female care taker from the age of 18 mo.

I was in a very similar situation. I, too, had been raising my "step" son. I love and care for him as if he was my own. He's called me mom for the last 8 years and even though his father and I split last year he still calls me mom. He calls me for help with his homework. I live in WA now and they are in NE. We talk regularly and I intend to keep it that way. He also calls BM mom.

My own son calls his SM mom. Does it sting, yes. But knowing that she loves him enough for him to want to call her mom makes me happy. Long story why she is the primary female care taker. It's all about how the child feels, not what adults think, with exception of a BP forcing a child to call the new partner mom or dad.

Jane - posted on 08/17/2012

My step-son was 18 months old when I started seeing his father and we married when he was 6. I have always been Jane to him, and would have corrected him if he called me 'mum' as I know this would have upset his mother ( as it would upset me if I heard my son calling my ex's partner mum). That doesn't mean he does not see me as an important parent figure in his life. He's 23 now and we have remained 'family' even though I've split up with his dad. Kids get confused about family relationships, particularly in this time of blended families. I think it's fine to explain to them who is who.

Shawnn - posted on 07/31/2012

LOL @ Tony...We have (had, I should say) a Grandpa Grumpy in our family too...He and the boy picked his "grandpa" name during our first visit out.

Allie - posted on 07/31/2012

I see your point. But if an adopted child is okay to call someone who isn't a bio parent "Mom" or "Dad" why should it be different for a step child/ step parent relationship? What I mean by this is, If a child sees their step parent the same way as their bio parent then they should be allowed to go with their instincts. A child calls a person Mom or Dad when they see them as loving. nurturing . caring and give them a name. Its not about "giving them their way", its about allowing them to put a name to their caregiver. A first name is very formal and it can be disrespectful, depends on who you are. I don't have this issue with my own children so I don't know what it feels like to be in the recieving end. But I am a step parent that has two boys wanting to call me "Mom" and their own mother cutting them down about it because she hates me and is projecting her feelings about me onto them. And the issues between parents is not going to be caused my a name issue, if that is such a huge thing, then to me that means that there were all ready problems between the bio-parents and their parents long before the name thing became an issue.

Jessica - posted on 07/29/2012

I think you have a point to a point, depending on the age of the child and how long the SP has been involved. When it come to Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents, I feel they should always be referred to as Anunt or Uncle so and so or grandma or grandpa, that is just showing respect.

When it comes to SP, I really think it depends on how long they have been around and how involved they are. If the child the child feels comfortable calling them mom or dad, it should be ok with the BP, just because the child calls someone else mom or dad it does not take away from the BP, they are still the Biological parents. In this case I think it is all about the child and what they feel comfortable with, if they don't feel comfortable calling them mom or dad it should be their decision to call them by their name or a nick name of their choice...Not anything disrespectful like bimbo, because that is just rude and teaching your child to be disrespectful.

Toni - posted on 07/21/2012

The only thing that is important to me and my husband is that we are called mum and dad. What he calls other adults is up to him, as long as he shows respect.
He calls his grandma Nana, and his grandpa Grumpy. He gets away with calling his grandpa Grumpy because Grumpy loves it and thinks it is hilarious.
As long as he shows respect to adults, he can call them what ever he is comfortable with.

Chaya - posted on 07/21/2012

It depends on the decision. Where are we going for vacation is one thing. Do we move to Africa is quite another.
When I was growing up, decisions were always made for me, even if it was none of my parents or siblings made the decision, When I went to live with my aunt and uncle, we voted on everything related to do we go to Disneyland or Russia for vacation, to do we move to Africa or Israel. (In the space of four years, we did both) Those things really affected our education, life, even our music lessons. My uncle actually picked people to go with us who could help with music.
Paying bills, which house to move to, medical issues, that's adult stuff. If the child is dying, that's quite another thing.
All in all, it depends on the parents and situation, the age of the child, and a myriad of isues I'm probably not aware of.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/10/2012

Im sorry I have to disagree. But I have good reasons so hear me out. I have two daughters....but I also have three boys I consider my sons, and if you throw in the 29 year old nephew that makes four. I did not plan on raising these boys in any way. God put them in my path via the demise of their parents marriage. Its like they threw the kids out with the marriage. they got front row seats and it was uglier than anything I have EVER witnessed in my life. I got the first one when he was abandoned at the local hospital...and then the other two a bit later when they ran away from the mothers abusive boyfriend. The 29 year old...I raised for a time when his parents did not want him. Two of them call me mom, hands down. two , don't. Well one of them does, but only when he's upset or nervous or needs me. He calls me by my first name, the other calls me aunt Beth. Now , I did not give birth to a single one of these boys, but I am more mama to each of them than theirs ever was. And they will tell you this. I stopped thinking of them as "nephews" LONG ago. Giving birth IMO doesn't give you the right to the title of mom...its what you do. I love them I nurture them, I defend them and scold them...hug them and care for them..laugh and cry with them all. You can't tell me I am not their mama or I don't deserve to be called that. It is up to the kid in my case. I never wanted them to be uncomfortable with anything in my home...they had had enough of that. Im delighted two of them call me mama and one does on occasion..what is important is what they think of me. In their hearts, its who I am. Mama. Its just not about blood man, its about love.

Samantha - posted on 07/09/2012

Ok do not agree! I have a 5 year old step son and 2 kids of my own. I've had my stepson since he was 2 and he's always called me mum. Until his mother messed with him and started forcing him to call me Sam, the poor kid was devastated when he'd slip up and call me mum I hated the look on his face just pure fear that he was gonna get a flogging or something for it, so in the end he made his own name for me he started calling me mummy Sam which I thought was a great idea for him he got his wish of calling me mum and was still doing as his mother told him. Now at age 5 it's plain mum or mummy. I think the parents should just leave the kids alone by trying To manipulate them ur only stuffing them up more. Children have a right to express there feelings for adults in anyway they feel even if that is calling a stepparent mum or dad! No one ever finds it weird that adopted children call there parents mum and dad just leave them alone

Kristi - posted on 07/09/2012

I just read the first 2 pages...this is some seriously crazy s***! First of all, every situation is different. What works for one child may not work for another. As a non-custodial bio-mom and a regular mom and a stepmom all rolled into one fat lump, I can tell you this...

My son, who lives with his dad, called me mom and I thought he was calling his dad's new wife, Dana. (which he probably did at first) But one day we were in the car, with my daughter, she is 5 years younger and he is, talking, non chalantly (no idea how to spell that one) and he said ..."and my mom..." then he sucked in his breath and looked at my daughter like he had just bit the bullet. Did it hurt me? Like tiny shards of glass cutting into my bare feet. I said, "What? What's wrong, why did you stop telling me your story?" Then he stammered a bit trying to explain himself and I gently interrupted him and told him I was happy he had a stepmom that loved him so much that he felt comfortable calling her mom, too. When he asked if I was mad or if it hurt my feelings, I told him I was not mad but yes it hurt my feelings a little because moms don't like to share their babies but that it was absolutely fine and he could call her whatever he wanted to in front of me. The relief on my son's face was overwhelming. He was about 8. His dad and stepmom had been married for about 3 years, I think. But she was there for him more than I was, he had another little sister there and of course, she was always saying mom or mommy. I'd rather he have 2 women who love him enough for him to want to call mom, than none or a shitty one.

My daughter and my stepson both call me mom. My "current" husband and I are separated. So it's girls vs. the boys. lol Anyways, when he and I got together his son was about 18 months, 2 years old when he came to live with us full time. He only spoke a little Spanish then. He couldn't remember my name (at first) so he called me Papi's muchacha, which developed into Chacha. Well, that stuck for awhile, actually my own family still calls me that sometimes, but anyways that's what he called me until maybe 4-5 or so. Then "mom" started slipping out. So his dad asked him if that is what he wanted to call me and he said sometimes my heart tells me to. That's all I needed to hear before I got a big lump in my throat and wanted to cry. So, that's what he did. His mom was in and out, sometimes more than others, sometimes less. Either way, it didn't mean he loved her any less. My daughter loves my exhusband,they hit off right away, but the whole "dad" thing never took hold for her, so she called him by his first name. At her dad's she was forced to call his new wives, in order of appearence, mom. She hated it. She could barely stand the women, let alone being forced to call them mom. She asked me if she had to. I told her she shouldn't have to if she didn't want to but that ended up creating wide spread fear and hatred about the land (drama!) so she and I decided she should try. Her dad goes through wives like most of us go through/went through feminine hygiene products! So she just got used to calling everybody "mom," just kidding, she was old enough to know the difference. But by the 4th mom we all start to look alike!

So, that's it from all 3 sides...take it or leave it, entirely up to you. IMO, if somebody (partner) loves your kid so much that they feel like calling that person mom or dad, let them. They aren't calling stepmom, mom too hurt your feelings, they are calling her that because of their feelings for her. (Substitute dad, in appropriate places) Get over yourselves.

Julie - posted on 07/08/2012

Sorry, I can't join you on this theory either. And I am from a blended family. Let me remind you that the child is the ONLY ONE WHO HAS NO CHOICE in anything happening to THEIR LIVES during a life changing and often TRAUMATIC experience. Why not let them have SOME SORT OF CHOICE on how they choose to IDENTIFY with these new people/parents that they probably wish never showed up anyway.

As far as properly addressing an adult. Yes, the adult teaches the child how to address them, but if the ADULT doesn't care that Johnny says, "Jan instead of Aunt Jan" then no respect is loss, so what do you care?

Are you calling the child of a step parent selfish? DUH, they are a child. Adults are mature enough to grow up, and out of selfish behavior..children are still learning. Besides, who is the selfish one? The parents who split up and put this kid in the situation probably did not have the "childs best interest to begin with"

You need to lighten up and remember, You have to GIVE respect in order to GET it. Yes, rights of passage plays a part in that, but children have voices too, and like the saying goes,"out of the mouths of babes" maybe you should stop talking and listen...

Corlissa - posted on 07/02/2012

I think you are right that children should not get in adults decision but I could see how you are feeling about your child calling another women mom but I also think is that it depends on how long he has been married to this women. My thought is that you sit down with your ex and his wife and tell her your concerns and just ask that you prefer if they not call her mom but maybe they could call her step mom for respect because she is apart of there life weather you like it or not. Also maybe you could talk to your kids and tell them how you feel depending on the age. I know people who call there step mothers mom. Maybe just ask your kids if they would not do it around you or when they refer to her. my brothers and sisters call my mom mom and I have no problem with it but just don't make it a big of a deal to were it might make you child think you are a mean parent.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 07/02/2012

Except a team doesn't dictate, to the extent that can cause another to feel inappropriate in their feelings. Such as said child.

Michelle - posted on 07/02/2012

My own children have been taught that the only people they call mum and dad are me and their dad. We are not together and their dad has re-married but we both agree our children do not call his wife mum. That's the same with their grandparents, etc, the exception being that they can call very close friends of the family (those we classify as family) aunt or uncle, but not all friends. That suits our circumstances and feelings. It doesn't suit everybodies.

As for other decisions, my children have an input in what I buy for us to eat, what clothes they wear (other than school uniform), trips out, what they watch on tv, etc but these decisions are "guided". I ensure my children have a healthy diet, dress respectfully (ie. they are not allowed to wear skirts so short that they show underwear when they bend over), watch appropriate tv and are safe. We work well as a team :-)

Ana - posted on 06/29/2012

I was a step-child. I was fine with calling my new dad "dad" but it really confused me as to what I call my real dad? Since he was sort of still around...My mom didn't make me call my step-dad "dad" but she just told me he's going to be your new father (I was 5).

Other kids told me to be mean and act out with the new dad just to show him who's boss, (that he's not my real dad) which I always thought was stuptid and I never did, but all this was a lot for me to get a hold of at 5.

Being a parent now, I know my mom did what was best, including telling me that your real dad is still your dad, but you live with your new dad now, and you will still be able to visit your real dad. This kept me always knowing that I could still see the other side of my family that I missed.
So she didn't sever the relationship when she married, and she tried hard not to confuse me with the grown up changes.

I don't think parents should get involved with the (don't call her this, or don't call him that) it really makes it hard on the kid and kids normally go with who makes things easier for them, they really don't want to fight or care about our titles.

Bust since we care about our titles, we should just let it be ok for a mother figure to be called mom and a father figure to be called dad..

Jodi - posted on 06/27/2012

Kel, I can understand that. I let it go too, because my ex absolutely forbade my son from calling my husband dad. I was not going to turn it into a shitfight. BUT if you had seen my son's face every time he accidentally let slip, you'd understand why I believe it is an utterly immature, pathetic thing to do to a child, and why it should really just be left to the child without pressure from EITHER parent. I do, however, recognise this is not always reality. But it also doesn't make the parent who allows the child to choose a bad parent. If anything, the parent who interferes and forbids the child from calling the step parent certain endearing terms is the parent who needs a swift kick because the child shouldn't HAVE to be the bigger person.

Kel80 - posted on 06/27/2012

meme i have been in the situation....it HAS caused anxiety.
I didn't fight either,but it didnt make a difference...my child knew that there were issues,he could feel it and it was expressed to him by the bio dad.
All the talking in the world would not have changed my exes mind or made him feel that he was hurting our child by not wanting him to call his step father "dad",so in MY situation it WAS better to just let it go...and if that meant my child had to also be the "bigger person" then so be it. I did not feel that there was much choice so i made the decision for him and expected that he would just accept it. If he was not willing to then i guess he could have talked to his dad about it but i believe he was just happy to have a parent that took control and the decision out of his hands so he didnt have to pick a side !!!!

Carolyn - posted on 06/27/2012

I'm a step mom and due to my husbands bio mom being anything but that we were fortunate to get custody of her at 14.... She's going to be 16....in 2012 her mom has picked her up Zero times..... A Mom........ No PARENT in this world has the right to deliberately inflict any type of emotional pain on any child using poor behavior. If ALL divorced parents, being bio mom or bio dad would put their own bitterness, self-serving agendas, and resentments aside..... No Matter what the cirucumstances......these children wouldn't have to suffer. All it does is cripple their relationships with their child.... It is important for any child to have the presence of both parents proven actively in their lives.....and us parents who have custody.....suck it up and do what's best for the child not for self. Being absent from your childs life and playing the pawn games does nothing but pain and anger the child....... It's absolutely ridiculous that these days children behave more respectful and responsible than the adult. There's no back and forths to it....... Love Honor Respect....... I feel sad for my teenage step daughter, but I know that by our Love Nuturing and Structuring she'll grow and learn the meaning of life vs. the constant battles of parents of divorce and become better than it all........

Sarah - posted on 06/27/2012

My son is not my own, he is my sister's child, biologically. At the age of 2 he started calling me "Mom", though she is in his life. I am his mother and she can't be, but she was unselfish enough to be okay with the fact that he calls both of us "Mom" and he was happy. And then his father showed up. He told that child, at age 2, I wasn't really his mom, though he knew the situation, and he had to call me Sarah. He came home sobbing because I didn't want to be his mommy. 6 years later he still has to call me Sarah in front of his father or face reprisal. That rat Bastard, excuse me, has manipulated the joy out of almost every relationship that child has. Thank goodness the bio parent had his choice. The parent the child rarely sees, but he convinced his entire family I made him call me "Mom", so everyone on his side enforces that stupid rule. My daughter goes to see her father every other weekend without fail, and if I don't utilize my son's extended family on his father's side, he feels unwanted and unloved. So, thank goodness, that jack a** was allowed to make any kind of choice regarding that little boy's welfare. He's obviously doing it for the sake of his child, not petty sh**fullness.
I will apologize if I have offended anyone by my language, but I will not back off of it. There are no okay words to describe his father, a sociopath he is, but it doesn't nearly cover the spectrum of nasty hatefulness that man is capable of. The petty lying, to try to get his son to hate the only family the child has ever known and will know until his mom can prove she can raise him. An example: his father told my son I tried to kill his mother by pushing her out of a moving vehicle because I was irritated. That's only one...

Jodi - posted on 06/26/2012

MeMe, she said MARRIED twice, not remarried twice.

Patricia - posted on 06/26/2012

i only remarried once if you are referring to me

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 06/26/2012

We're also not talking when a mother has had multiple marriages. Yes, that could get a wee confusing for the poor kid....not something I would do, anyhow. I understand getting remarried once, during your kids at home life but several? No, my kids are more important than marrying every tom, dick and harry. As a mother, I was very careful on when a man even met my daughter. It was a long ass time before it occurred.