Is marriage just a piece of paper?

Fiona - posted on 06/26/2011

No, sorry Sherri I'm not buying that. Marriage is not what stops you from walking out the door today or tomorrow. It is a legal barrier to finalising the relationship, sure. In my case all the things I have listed (joint deed on the house, parental rights, shared assets) also provide a legal barrier to finalising my relationship. Unless I wanted to forgo all those things. If I was prepared to leave my children, house, car, possessions, finances, investments etc etc then sure I could just "walk away". If I felt entitled to claiming "my share" of those things I would also have to go through legal proceedings just as a married couple would.

Chatty - posted on 06/26/2011

Living 'common-law' is recognized by the government, and affords those couples most/if not all the same rights as a married couple, so I'm not sure how it's easier to walk away.

Does anyone know the legal differences b/w common-law and marriage?

Amanda - posted on 06/26/2011

for me it is definatly more then a piece of paper...the paper is the proof we got married but we make it work but then i guess it is just what u make of it right?

Sherri - posted on 06/26/2011

Fiona legally when you are not married you can just walk away, Married couples legally can not until they go through legal proceedings to go through a divorce, divide assets, get a custody agreement etc.



Emma I get that. So sorry your ex wasn't on the same page with you. When my husband and I got married we made a pact that it would be for life and divorce would never be an option for us. So for us never having the option to walk away, really makes you work harder to fix issues when they arise and work together as a unit. We are getting ready to celebrate 14yrs and it is something I am very proud to say.

Shannen - posted on 06/26/2011

Jennifer in Australia it is that easy. Although you must be seperated for 12 months before the actual divorce can go through.

Jennifer - posted on 06/26/2011

Marriage is not "Just" a piece of paper. It is a contract that provides some protection for the married couple. It is a lot harder to walk away from a marriage than to walk away from a dating relationship. My best friend is gay and she had a commitment ceremony because they wouldn't allow her to get married. her "wife" after about 7 years decided she didn't' love her anymore and gave her 30 days to get out of the house and find a new place for her and her son to live. Before this time, her "wife" had told her to stay at home and raise her son. So, my best friend had not built a career and did not have a lot of experience and suddenly she was out the door and had to try to find a way to take care of herself and her son. If she had been married, she would have gotten some financial compensation for the woman having broken their contract. It would have also taken more than 30 days to complete and it would have given her more time to find a new place to live.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/26/2011

this is a hard question for me to answer. I dont believe its just a piece of paper and thats why my childrens father and I are not legally married. We both come from single parent homes and do not want our kids to go through a divorce. We have been together eight years. We have a six yr old four yr old and five month old. We love and like each other, live together and I suppose carry on like any "normal" married couple. Going before God and making vows is a huge thing to both of us. He proposed to me this year in february :). We are both on an amazing journey to love our selves but to also to put someone elses feelings and happiness first. We both believe this is something that takes a life time, but when we truly can love each and like each other unconditionally then we will make those vows. But being engaged has been a huge step in that journey and ifbit takes another eightbyears thats fine with me :)

Fiona - posted on 06/26/2011

I seriously don't understand the belief that just by not being married it makes it easier to just walk away from the relationship. Maybe that is the case in a casual relationship or one where the couple lead very separate lives or have no children. But, I am committed to my relationship, we have been together for 17 years, lived together for 16 years. I am no less committed to my relationship than someone who has gotten married, I have no more or less of an option to walk away at any given moment. The few times I have thought about walking away from my relationship I have always been held back by a number of things, not least of all the commitment I have made in my head and my heart to share my life with my partner and to be with him through good times and hard times. Plus the belief I have that as long as we are mutually respectful of each other and able to work things out and be happy more often than not, our children deserve to have us together sharing our time equally and caring for every member of the family we have created. We have two young kids together, own a house together, share possessions, investments and property, have many mutual friends, shared history, shared future plans and aspirations. A separation for us would be just as complicated and traumatic as for a married couple.



You know; I get that for married people (and those that aspire towards marriage) their marriage is so much more than a piece of paper, I believe that any relationship is so much more than a piece of paper or more than any legal document/definition that defines it. I just don't get why some people think that an unmarried relationship is so much less just because it lacks that "piece of paper".

Shannen - posted on 06/26/2011

Sherri, i felt the same as you i was in it for the long haul and i wouldn't be walking away it's a shame my ex didn't see it the same way and just up and left. It is really just a piece of paper to a lot of people and in my own recent experience thats all it was for my relationship. I don't even know why he asked or why we got married considering we didn't make it 2 married years.

Sherri - posted on 06/26/2011

Hell no it is so much more than that. It didn't change the fact that we loved each other but it officially made us a family. It made us willing to dedicate the rest of our lives together and give that to our children. It bound us together and cemented our lives together.

I feel that not being married in your mind you still have the option to walk away at any given moment. Being married means you are there for the long hall good or bad and can't just walk away because you can.

Stifler's - posted on 06/26/2011

Yeah it's totally the gays who have ruined the sanctity of marriage... when we have straight people thinking it's just apiece of paper.

Liz - posted on 06/26/2011

Try telling the judge who orders you to pay alimony that it's just a piece of paper.



Or if you're gay and want to have next-of-kin rights at the hospital when your partner of 20 years is dying.



It's a piece of paper in the same way the Constitution is just a piece of paper.

Laura - posted on 06/26/2011

I think that marriage is very important and to me it is more than just a piece of paper. When I married my husband to me it meant that he was mine that offically on record on a piece of paper he was mine in front of GOD in front of everyone he was taken and all mine and I didn't have to share him. I feel that that single piece if paper changes everything cause when you decide to go down that road and get married your always thinking its only a piece of paper but when you actually walk down that aisle and say your I dod its so much more than that.

Christina - posted on 06/26/2011

Marriage is so much more than just a piece of paper to myself and my husband. It is a commitment that we wanted to make between ourselves and God. We were already common law married when we got married, but that wasn't good enough for my husband. He said that being common law wasn't good enough for me and he wanted to get married. People can walk away at any point of a relationship, however being married makes it harder. I have a friend who won't marry the father of her two kids because she knows she can leave without issue if she wants to. My husband and I are statistically more likely to try harder to rectify our relationship if things go bad than if we were just living together. We have more at stake now.

Nikki - posted on 06/26/2011

I think it's something that is up to you and your partner. I am not married but I am as happy as a married couple. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 and a half years with 4 kids. We dont think about not being married. Our families think of us as being married. So its up to you and yours.

Ashley=) - posted on 06/04/2011

So much more than that to us.After 9years and two children.Either way were growing old and grey together.We have already committed our lives to one another.We now have the chance to finalise that commitment on our wedding day.We take our relationship so serious without marriage.So i feel once married we continue that way.I want no other person and i will not treat our marriage like a piece of paper.I feel we deserve much more than that.



Our marriage and that piece of paper will be precious to us..:-)Just as our relationship out side of marriage is precious to us now.I can't wait to tie the knot.

Tammy - posted on 06/04/2011

Marriage is a contract between two hearts in love. It shows the person you love that you are really committed to him forever. It's also a legal contract that if for some reason something happens and you fall out of love, or he cheats on you, you have a legal right to a portion of his assets. All these women that are just living with a man and not married are taking a serious risk, especially those that have had children with these men. So, NO, it's not just a piece of paper!

Tara - posted on 06/04/2011

Having had the piece of paper to prove marriage to my ex did not stop me from divorcing him.

He used the fact we were legally bound together to keep me in the marriage longer than I wanted to stay in said marriage.
He actually took our marriage certificate out of the filing cabinet and had it framed and put on the wall when I started talking about leaving.
He would repeatedly refer to it, (pointing to it during an argument and saying shit like "you promised to stay with me through sickness and in health, through richer and poorer etc. etc." and it drove me batty)
For the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage he broke so many of the vows we made that I really didn't take the piece of paper seriously any longer.

I think if two people love each other and are committed to each other, the piece of paper can mean a lot to them, I also think that two people can love each other and remain committed to each other without the piece of paper or the wedding debt.
I won't get married again, Steve and I have no desire to have that piece of paper proving our love to each other.

If the piece of paper is there as a symbol of your love and commitment, that's great.
If the piece of paper exists to show ownership of another person, or is used to wield control over another person than the whole purpose is flawed.

I know many married couples who are divorced now, I know some who are still together (mostly religious folks) and lots of "common-law" relationships that have survived for decades.
I know more common law couples who are together than married couples who are together.

Desiree - posted on 06/04/2011

For me marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It's a partnership and an important one, one that take a lot of work on both sides of the coin to work. I believe in the institution of marriage. But then again each to their own.

Mandie - posted on 06/03/2011

jane I'm sorry for your loss.

Jane - posted on 06/03/2011

Actually, what I have seen is that folks who have been together for years start to have problems. They think the piece of paper will help so they get married. However, that does not solve the problem. The piece of paper is just a piece of paper and will not "fix" your relationship. So the couple get divorced.

The paper does not cause the divorce, but it doesn't fix the relationship either.

OTOH, I have many friends who have been married for many years and have no problems that they haven't solved. My parents are working on 61 years. I made it 21 years and then my husband died. I have other friends who have been married 10, 15, 20, 30 and up to 70 years.

The thing is that that piece of paper has little more than symbolic power. Ditto the wedding ceremony. Two people have to not only want to be together, they have to actively work to solve problems in their relationship.

Constance - posted on 06/03/2011

For me I have not seen too many marriages survive, but I have seen tons of relationships that have never said vows and are happy and still love each other. I personally was with my husband almost 10 years and was preggers with #3 when we finally said I do.
I had a very commited relationship for years before so for me it was jst the piece of pper to give us als th perks o being married.
I know that isn't how most people feel about it but I just have seen so many relationships fail shortly after. And it wasn't a rush down the aisle. Iwas always afraid to lose my love for my husband and w have been very close to divorcing several times and never before we got married. Right now we life in two different states do to work and we are closer than we have been n years.

Bonnie - posted on 06/03/2011

Lacye, I completely understand how you feel. I hate the line, "oh well if it doesn't work out, I can always just go get a divorce." It bugs me. JUST go get a divorce, like it's nothing.

Lacye - posted on 06/03/2011

To me, it's not just a piece of paper. I didn't want to get married until I was sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. Yeah, we had a daughter before we were married but I told several people who confronted me about not being married but had a child that I wasn't going to do it until I felt right about it. I'm not going to tie myself to a person that I don't completely love and trust. Yeah it may be pretty easy to get a divorce but I don't want to have to go through with that.

Rosie - posted on 06/03/2011

not to me. :) i thought it was, even after i first got married i was quoted saying after someone asked "how's the married life?" i'd reply "no difference now than before"

after a few years we had some issues come up. our relationship got really hard when it had always been so easy. the thought of leaving had crossed each one of our minds, we separated for just a week. during that time without him, i realized that my marriage wasn't just a piece of paper. my vows i had taken meant something. i would do ANYTHING to make my relationship work. there was a resolve there that i can't say would've been there if i hadn't had my vows to fall back on. now whether or not that is for sure the reason why we worked it out or not, i can't say with 100% certainty. all i know is that it did make a difference to me that we were married, and i don't believe that its just a piece of paper. it's way more than that to me. :)

Chatty - posted on 06/02/2011

Amber......BEER ME!

Chatty - posted on 06/02/2011

For me, marriage is (or would be IF I was married ;) just a piece of paper. Chad and I have been together for almost 9 years and a marriage certificate won't change anything about our relationship except making it legally binding, and allow us a few extra benefits. We've been living common-law for 7 years and we're pretty much considered married under the law.

Amber - posted on 06/02/2011

I think it depends on the couple as to what it means.



Chad and I have been together for going on 6 years now. We have a house, child, bills, responsibilities....a life together. He IS my next of kin. We have wills that give our things to each other and life insurance in each others names. I'm a stay at home mom, so I'm on the same set of taxes as he is without having to be married.



We are planning on getting married next year, but that's mostly because the fucking government won't let us adopt as a couple without having a piece of paper to tell them we're a couple. The commitment we've made, the life we've built, the love we share, and the child we're raising aren't good enough on their own... I would also like to share the same last name as my children and the man I love.



My relationship with Chad is the true commitment. The fact that I choose to be with him every day, and that he chooses the same, is the true strength of our love. Marriage will not change our relationship, everything is already there by choice.



However, planning the wedding is LOADS of fun! I kind of regret not doing that part sooner :) Chad is wishing he had set a stricter budget.Shiny jewelry is also a plus too! Those weren't things that I'd really considered before deciding I wanted to get married...haha

Jane - posted on 06/02/2011

The piece of paper simply lets the government know that you are married, for tax purposes mostly. The ceremony is simply a way to announce it to all your family and friends. Marriage itself is a relationship in which two people decide to love and care for each other as long as they live. Now, not all of them stick to that decision, but that is what marriage really is. Marriage is doing everything in your power to take care of each other, grow together, build a life together, amass physical goods together, respect each other, raise children together, be companions and friends, no matter how easy or how hard life gets.

The complications come because of that piece of paper and because of the public ceremony. There are some folks who insist that only certain pairs of people are eligible to get the piece of paper, and others who only want certain types of people to make their announcement in their particular synagogue, church, meeting,hall, or courthouse.

However, any two people can create a marriage, even if that name is never put on the relationship.

Bonnie - posted on 06/02/2011

I think marriage is a lot more than just a piece of paper. Marriage brings a couple closer together. Yes there are unmarried couples who have been together for 20 years or more and they do everything in relation to married couples, but it is so easy to just get up and walk away when you are not married to one another.

Laura Zoey - posted on 06/02/2011

I think it's whatever you want it to be or not be!
For me it's alot more then a piece of paper, there's the Christian aspect of marriage to me, the commitment side, the legal side, the public standing side, the safety, the ritual, etc!
Idk, for me marriage means alot.

Krista - posted on 06/02/2011

I think it's what each couple makes of it.

For some couples, it is just a piece of paper. That can be either good or bad. In some cases, the couple is already 100% committed to each other and they view marriage as unnecessary. In other cases, the couple gets married but only to "make it official", and they don't imbue any meaning into it.

For some couples, it's much more. I like what Sharon said about it -- that makes sense. As well, in my case, we were already 100% committed and in love. However, we were building our home, and talking about starting a family, and it just felt right to get married. For us, getting married was a way to celebrate and affirm the love and commitment that was already there, and it also really marked the beginning of a new chapter in our lives -- when we went from nomadic apartment-dwellers to building our dream home together and having a baby.

So yeah...for us, it was more than a piece of paper, for certain.

Stifler's - posted on 06/02/2011

No. It's a marriage. I agree with Sharon.

Jody - posted on 06/02/2011

I think that a formal, legal marriage is just a piece of paper for tax purposes. A real marriage is in the hearts and minds and actions of the couple, in their intimacy, trust and devotion. I think that two people can be married without that piece of paper, legalities, or even the blessing of one's religious tradition; and also that said piece of paper does not make a true marriage if one or both of the couples' hearts is not in it. The piece of paper is more for the rest of the world; its a banner that declares displays the couple's commitment and status to other people. It is important in that sense, as part of the structure of our society. But between the couple, the piece of paper should have less meaning than their devotion to each other.

Kylie - posted on 06/02/2011

100% agree with Sharon, it's a legal contact and a public declaration. I'll just add that my marriage is basically the foundation that almost everything that is important to me is built on. It scares me to think what I would do without my other half. There are times in my marriage where things have been hard but i think if we hadn't had that serious commitment we would probably have been more inclined to leave than stay and work through it.

Shannen - posted on 06/02/2011

It wasn't just a piece of paper to me but it was to my ex. I doubt i will ever get married again because of how i feel about marriage and how easy it is to get out of.

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011

no I think its just a piece of paper. We hadn't planned on getting married we were planning on having 3 kids so we always said once we'd done having our kids and bought a house then we'll do it, but then my nanna's last kidney buggered up so I decided I wanted my nanna to see me get married I wasn't sure how hubby would react and it wasn't the best initially but suprisingly within a few minutes he siad ok lets go for it and 7 months later we tied the knot, really it was that and the constant comments, why arnet you married? and also everyone telling me you have to give your kids your last name if he's not willing to marry you. It was at that point he gave me an engagement ring, but no plans for th next step at that time. I was pregnant at 18 so I really did get sick of people asking if it was planned if I had a partner why there was no ring of my finger etc, if Id had one I wouldn't have got the questions, (granted I worked on checkouts and on express so I had lots of customers each day so spoke to alot of people). Really marriage didnt feel much different, we are not even legally married yet I havent done the paper work and have no plans of doing it anytime soon. The only thing that might be different is I feel less judged by the public and also I try to take things more seriously, because everytime I have issues my FIL says to me I thought your marriage vows meant more to you then that, so I think about it and realise that marriage is different. Supposed to be anyhow

Charlie - posted on 06/01/2011

That is entirely up to each couple to decide ...for some it IS just a piece of paper , they feel they don't need to have a wedding or a ring to prove their love for others it is much , much more , for some they need marriage as a final sign of devotion to have that legal binding document .

Personally I just think people should do what they want , I do not think a marriage is pointless , I think it is beautiful but I also do not think a marriage defines a relationship , I know plenty of people in long term relationships who are equally committed and in love as any other married couple .

Fiona - posted on 06/01/2011

For me, yes it is just a piece of paper. Just as for me, a wedding is just a ceremony. For other people, I know that is not the case and I respect that it means so much more. But, for me a committed relationship is how you live every day, how you show your mutual care and respect in every action and every word, the way you treat each other, speak about each other and think about each other. I don't feel the need to validate our choice to share our lives with each other by declaring that in a legal marriage. As for legal stuff, after 17 years together I can't see that a marriage certificate would afford my relationship any more validity or me any more rights than I have already. My name is on all the other important pieces of paper (children's birth certificates, house deed, insurance policies, utilities, car registrations etc etc). One more piece of paper just isn't that important to me.

Mandie - posted on 06/01/2011

For me? No. It's LOOOOADS more than that but I do get that for some people that's not the case. My hubby and I started dating not long after his 1st marriage broke up. His ex ended it but then decided she wanted him back when she heard he'd moved on. The night she kicked him out she tore up their marraige certificate and wedding photos and threw them at him; which for him was the last straw. Later, when she was ringing me alot 9no i didnt give her my number, she 'found' it) and I thought we could help her through it by being a listening ear, as they have kids togethter (God how naive I was!) she asked me for about the millionth time why he wouldnt come back etc etc, despite me telling her to ask him :( not me.... she couldnt ever seem to get that that one act was IT for him- she kept saying 'But it's just a piece of paper, we can get another one" she didnt get that that piece of paper had meant more to him.

Sharon - posted on 06/01/2011

No it is not just a piece of paper.

A legal marriage shows the legal system your intent to make this person your family. You care so much, you are taking this huge step and accepting them and all their flaws (legal and pain in the ass) and they are doing the same for you.

This is your new next of kin. You trust them with your life. Which is why, if something happens, they turn the decisions over to your spouse and not your mom & dad. Your mom & dad could simply be an accident of birth, but your spouse was CHOSEN by you for this huge responsibility.

Thats just a small legal part of it.

Then there is my belief that a legal marriage shows the world your devotion to each other. Sure living together shows you care too, it could show that you're just to lazy to go the extra step.

Marriage isn't a problem solver. You can't get married and turn an asshole into a devoted father. To many women have that idea in their head and some guys.

JuLeah - posted on 06/01/2011

I think it is whatever you and yours want it to be. I know a woman who married rich cause she and her sibs grew up dirt poor. She was the eldest and felt the need to support them (still little ones in the home) and care for her parents'.



She was up front with the guy, likes him, and has the smarts/talent/ability to help him continue building and run the family bussiness.



His folks want a grandchild ... they now have two. Bussiness is booming, her folks and sibs are provided for .... kind of a loving bussiness arraingment, but working for them.



I know folks that marry to stay in the country.



I know folks that marry cause they made a baby and felt that was the thing to do ....



The piece of paper is important as it offers you many rights and protections under the law, it is more then that if you make it so ...