Jealous husbands

Krista - posted on 06/20/2011 ( 31 moms have responded )

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I'm curious about how your husband/partner/boyfriend feels about you going out without him. Neither my husband nor I are jealous people, so we both feel comfortable going out with friends and knowing we won't get accused of cheating. We go out together, of course, but I think everyone needs a night out with friends and no husband once in a while!

A good friend of mine is having issues with her husband right now, because every time she goes out with girlfriends, whether it's a couple drinks at a lounge or coffee at Starbucks, she comes home to an angry husband who wants to know how many men she tried to pick up while she was out. She's even put on 20 pounds, thinking that if she was less attractive, he would be less jealous. I think he's got some insecurity/control issues, and I'm not sure how to help my friend out.

Do you go out without your spouse? How does he handle it?

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Lissa - posted on 06/20/2011

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Would they try therapy? My first thought really is she needs to get out of that relationship but if she wants to improve it he needs to work on his issues.
Staying in a bad marraige where her husband is controlling is not good role model for her girls, she is showing them that their fathers behaviour is ok and that it is ok if they get treated this way.

Jaime - posted on 06/21/2011

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I was just talking to my mom today about my younger sister and how much of a fucking douchehole her boyfriend is. Not one person in my family can stand him and yet she puts up with so much bullshit it makes my head spin. She can't go out anywhere with her friends without him tagging along to keep tabs on her. When we went to my cousin's wedding a few years back I went shopping with her and her twin for outfits and they asked me to do their hair and make-up...we made a fun day of it and as soon as he saw my sister dressed up he immediately started picking her apart for wearing eyeliner and a spaghetti strap, dressy tank top (it was a summer wedding) She looked so pretty and was only wearing the tiniest bit of make-up but he insisted that she wear a sweater to cover up....I was fucking furious! But more than that he expects her to make his meals and bring him his morning coffee while he sits his ass in front of the computer and yells at the kids. And any attempt my sister makes to go out without her boyfriend, she has to take the kids with her or find a babysitter....I truly hate that man!

Jodi - posted on 06/21/2011

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Having been in a marriage where my ex used to accuse me of sleeping with others, I am calling this abusive and controlling behaviour. It isn't acceptable. I never gave my ex cause to make the accusations either. But it is HELL to live with. It is one thing to feel jealous with no cause, because that is your own issue, it is quite another to be abusive and accusatory about it, because that is projecting your own issue onto the other person. But either way, it is HIS issue and HE needs help.



My currently husband and I have no trust issues between one another and have no problem with one another going out without the other. Heck, even going away overnight isn't a problem!!

Sarah - posted on 06/21/2011

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I go out without my husband, about once a month to go clubbing with my friends.

Before we were married, we BOTH had jealously issues, although it was kind of understandable because there had been infidelities on both sides. We worked through it all though and came out the other side even stronger. Neither of us are jealous now, he goes out and it doesn't phase me......I go out and he's not worried.

I worry about the way your friend seems to be dealing with it......when my husband was having issues with jealously, I never backed down about my right to go out and see my friends (even though he had a reasonable reason to feel a bit jealous I guess), I would go out and see my friends regardless and I certainly wouldn't have changed my appearance!!

That's not the way (IMO) to get over jealously issues, trying to change yourself in any way isn't going to work in the long run, it will just build resentment.

Amie - posted on 06/20/2011

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Uh, I just read this bit:

"I don't think she's very happy, but she's told me before that she would never leave for the girls' sake. "

I hope I am reading this wrong. She's not staying just for her kids is she? Please tell me I'm misunderstanding. If she is staying solely for them, she needs to start looking at options. I agree with Lissa, she is showing her girls it is ok to be treated this way when it really is not.

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Melissa - posted on 06/28/2011

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There is no true love without jealousy - by Valentino Igat

I have had to deal with some types of jealousy/insecurity with regard to my husband. Nothing emotionally abusive but more like a bit of pouting and need for reassurances. I found this quote and it kind of helped me see my husband's insecurities for what they are. He doesn't want to lose me and vice versa. I am really not a jealous or insecure person. If a man does not want to be with me or wants someone else...why would I fight it?

My husband is a tattoo artist and has many female clients. He has seen them in various stages of undress and has spent hours unsupervised with them. They are always calling, emailing, texting to make appts and ask questions. Some of my friends wonder how I deal with it. If I had to question everytime he was with another woman...I would be a VERY busy lady. Every now and then he will tell me about an exceptionally flirty woman and I will threaten to kill them both and he is satisfied that I still want him. ; )

Stifler's - posted on 06/21/2011

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My husband used to be like that when he was just my boyfriend and we had no kids and didn't live here. I go out without him all the time now. He only gets annoyed because I "get to go out for lunch while he's at work" as if it's fun with the kids there pfffft. But I go to parties and to the male strippers without him and he doesn't care. I can't remember what happened but I think one day it came to a head and he was going through my phone or answered my phone and talked to my work mate and I went off my tree about how just because I go out or talk to another male doesn't mean I'm cheating. He hasn't touched my phone or gone off when I told him I was going out since.

Kimber - posted on 06/21/2011

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Hello, well i don't get a chance to really go out with my friends alot,but yea i have gone out with out my hubby to have a little girls night! It's been a real,real long time,but it's hard sometimes when you have 2 small kids at home,and not alot of money to do alot! He will Jokeley say that we are going to go whoreing around,but i know that he is just jokeing! He knows that i love him and only him,and the same for him too! So we are all good there ha ha ha!!

[deleted account]

Its emotional abuse.I have seen how women have had years of thinking the way there men wanted them to think and feel.It can take years to come out of that way of thinking.Your husband/boyfriend becomes a bully, emotionally abusing you and draining you of you, everything you are or were.You become withdrawn and weak which is what they want.

No body has that right.

I wish women could just understand what is happening and get away from men like that.Many will never understand until there out of the situation and on looking back can pin point the red flags.

Women can also treat there men like this also.I have heard of that to.

I have seen men/women destroy there partners.I See men more so now in the process of this.It makes me so mad.

Jodi - posted on 06/21/2011

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Can I just say, it took me having some counselling POST-separation to recognise what I had been dealing with? So maybe simply suggesting to her the counselling will help. If her husband won't go, she should go on her own. It may at least open her eyes.

Krista - posted on 06/21/2011

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Thanks for all the comments and advice. I wish I could show her all your posts, because I think it would help for her to know that others don't think his behaviour is normal, but I don't think she'd be impressed that I aired her marital problems online. I'll definitely put the idea of counselling in her head and see if she can convince her husband.

Tara - posted on 06/21/2011

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That's abuse, cut and dry.
I got out with friends so does Steve and in no way does going out without your spouse imply infidelity or a desire to be unfaithful.
That's just some crazy assed messed up shit. That guy is a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode all over her.

Iris - posted on 06/21/2011

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Exactly Jodi. It's an emotional blackmail that gives that person the power by putting the guilt on the victim and make them feel they are in the wrong.

Abuse is abuse no matter what form. Your friend has nothing to answer for. It's either time for him to seek help or her to leave IMO.

[deleted account]

Yes, it is abusive. And she's putting on weight purposely to create distance or in the hopes he will stop. There's something wrong with that.

Jodi - posted on 06/21/2011

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Iris brings up a really good point. It IS hard to leave, because you get told (and believe) they only react this way because they love you. I was young when I met my ex, and I had no real life experience with respect to these issues. I didn't have the skills to recognise it as a form of bullying. I truly believed his jealous rages were out of his love for me. I now know MUCH better. His jealous rages were about power and abuse. But it DID take me quite some time before I had the confidence, strength and belief to walk away from it. I thought *I* could fix it, but it had nothing to do with me.

Iris - posted on 06/21/2011

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I do agree with Jodi. It is a form of abuse, mental abuse. And if she is not happy (well, who would be in her situation?) and is only staying there for her kids, then she is not doing her kids any favors. Still, I can understand that it's hard to leave. But it sounds like she'd be better of in the long run.

I go out every so often a month without my husband. I have a great time either at the movies and clubbing maybe once a month. He has no issues with it and staying home with the girls.

[deleted account]

she comes home to an angry husband who wants to know how many men she tried to pick up while she was out

I really wouldn't put up with anyone talking to me like that.

They need counselling or something, because he sounds like an irrationally angry, jealous, and controlling douchebag.

Amber - posted on 06/20/2011

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I go out regularly without Chad. I love to go dancing with my friends, and he just doesn't. So I hit the town without him when I go out. We go out together too, but those are usually date nights.

In fact, big scandal here...I go out with my best guy friends too. If we're off to a concert in Chicago (45-60min away depending on traffic), a group of us will get a hotel room and not come home. Sometimes, I think he prefers that my guy friends go, then he knows I'm not going to be mugged walking to my car. He'll grab a beer after work with some of the women that work there, not a big deal.

Jealousy is not attractive. Every time I've dated a guy that's tried to clip my wings, I've cut the relationship instead.

Vicki - posted on 06/20/2011

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We often go out on our own, especially since our little man became too big to just fall asleep while we were out. It means no late nights if we take him so one has to stay home. My partner went out with his brother on the weekend to see a band, I went with my Mum to the ballet the week before. I sometimes go out with friends, although not much now that I'm studying/working and parenting lol.

Mrs. - posted on 06/20/2011

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Whelp, I guess my fiance's plan of pushing me out of the house to cheat has failed miserably...I very rarely go.

Too bad, I'd like some pics of whatever hot action he's getting on the side. Unfortunately, I think it would just be pictures of him taking long naps and sending a full hour enjoying a leisurely poop on the toilet.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 06/20/2011

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One of the many things we love about each other is we give the needed space. We do go out separate and together and may call once or twice during the night....if it's twice more then likely it's because one of us needs to know something....ect
Tow of my family members are going thru that with their boyfriends.
One is 22 and the other is 37 and they are both over bearing, parinoid, stalker men.
I don't see how they put up with it for sooooo long. Both my family members complain and talk shit, but they always go back home to their men.
They get accused of cheating, lying about who they are with...they have to report where they are and who is all with them.
And their men call constantly....

Jenn - posted on 06/20/2011

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Don't be so sure he's cheating. Sometimes they are cheating when they are pushing you to go out with the girls - maybe even giving you money to have fun - you think "aww - how sweet is he?" - maybe not so much. If he is jealous, it's definitely a sign of his own insecurity, and it's something that only he can take control of. If he would be willing to go see someone, perhaps couples counselling, I think that could help some. If he is hesitant about the idea, I'd try making the appointment, and tell him when it is - chances are he'd go with her.

Mrs. - posted on 06/20/2011

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Um, I agree, most likely, he is the one cheating. Most of the guys I dated who acted like that were cheaters.

My fiance is always trying to push me out of the house with friends or by myself. I can be a bit of a hermit and need some encouragement to socialize with my friends. So, he never gets jealous about it at all - quite the opposite.

Mrs. - posted on 06/20/2011

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Um, I agree, most likely, he is the one cheating. Most of the guys I dated who acted like that were cheaters.

My fiance is always trying to push me out of the house with friends or by myself. I can be a bit of a hermit and need some encouragement to socialize with my friends. So, he never gets jealous about it at all - quite the opposite.

Amie - posted on 06/20/2011

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That's terrible about your friend. The sad thing is, no matter how "unattractive" she tries to make herself - he's going to continue with that. He has the problem, he needs to figure it out and change it.

Yes, I do go out without my spouse. I would lose my freaking mind if I didn't have me time. I'm not kidding - I'm pretty sure I lost it during May. He was working straight through, days off he was in on OT. I had to call my sister to come help me out before I went completely insane. Everyone needs their me time. Just as all couples need their alone time. Otherwise we wind up losing ourselves and our relationships.

My husband is fine with me going out. He is generally shoving me out the door to get going. We have no issues. We take care of our kids, each other and ourselves.

[deleted account]

Yes, I go out without him way more than he goes out without me. It's usually just once or twice a month that I'll leave the kid with him and go out (the baby comes with me at this point). I have a group of friends from college and we get together once a month. I have another good friend that I make an attempt to go out with once a month, but she's cool with doing something during the day with my kids. My husband has never had an issue with this. He encourages it.

Elfrieda - posted on 06/20/2011

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We mostly have the same friends, so sometimes one or the other of us stays home, usually because we want the baby to keep his bedtime. There's no jealousy or anything on the rare occasion that we go out with people that are not familiar to the other one. Her husband seems messed up.



I go out for brunch with my cousins pretty regularly, and he goes for lunch with his brothers. We'd have to be pretty paranoid to get suspicious about that!

Lady Heather - posted on 06/20/2011

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Wow, that sounds fucked up. I go out all the time without him, but I guess I usually have the kid. Once a week would be normal for all by myself I suppose. Before Freja came along it was more often, and I took regular trips out of town by myself. He encourages me to hang out with my friends. It's sort of one of those behaviours that we consider to be "normal". Ha.

Krista - posted on 06/20/2011

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It's not new behaviour on his part, but maybe a little worse than it ever was before. She's never cheated or given him any reason to think she would. Along with the jealousy issues, she also gets guilt trips about leaving her girls for a couple hours if she goes out. He's not very capable of parenting on his own. She's only recently started leaving him alone to put the girls to bed (they're 3 and 6) because he couldn't handle it on his own.

I don't think she's very happy, but she's told me before that she would never leave for the girls' sake.

Lissa - posted on 06/20/2011

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If this is new behaviour I would consider that the husband may be having an affair. If it has always been so then the husband has issues that he needs to sort out. That may be that he has been cheated on before or maybe he is just very controlling. Has your friend ever cheated, does he have reason to believe she is cheating now?
Depending on the answers I think counselling is in order, if he is a control freak then she needs to get out now before it gets worse and he strips her of her self confidence and friends.
In answer to your question I go out without my husband, he goes out without me. I have one close friend who is an ex, I have been out with him and stayed at his house without my husband. My husband thinks like me we are together because we want to be, if we wanted someone else we would be having a serious talk about what was going on in our marraige not having an affair.

Rosie - posted on 06/20/2011

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yeah we go out all the time without each other. my husband has two girlfriends who i also let him go out with by himself sometimes. i knew these girls before we started dating, we all worked together, i know their intentions and i trust them, and my husband.
if my husband ever told me what i could and couldn't do when it comes to stuff like that, i'd be gone. i don't let any man control me like that.

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