lactose intolerance "intolerance"??? and other issues...

[deleted account] ( 143 moms have responded )

EDIT: So turns out we have bigger issues than just milk, obviously, from reading all these posts...So I guess this is really just another rant thread and I am open to suggestions on how to fix the other issues.



This whole thing started because my husband said the lactose-free milk that our daughter and I get from WIC makes his stomach hurt, but he's only had the 2% that I'm supposed to drink, and he's said before that the 2% homogenous milk is nasty, so it makes me think he's just being picky and just prefers regular whole milk. Especially since we both do the grocery shopping but he doesn't ask for his own milk or puts it in the cart or anything. It makes me think it must not be that big of a deal to him if he won't fix his own problem and buy his own milk. He's not being forced to drink my milk and I've actually told him to buy his own but he just doesn't.



Then it occurred to me that maybe he's not buying his own milk because that would cut into what he's spending on his hobby of collecting cards, upon which he spent $60 just last weekend. His cards are cutting into our gas and grocery budget, and we aren't able to save because he goes waaay overboard on them. That's when we realized there's a much bigger problem here than just whether or not my husband has a lactose intolerance "intolerance."



So I am open to any and all suggestions on this. Pretty much, what do you do when your spouse refuses to make bills and food a priority when it comes to his (or her) spending habits?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/01/2012

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I don't think tricking him into drinking lactose free milk is the key. If it is really bothering him, that is a rude thing to do. What if he started pouring 2% into your lactose jug to make you think you were getting the right thing? Would it still make you sick, or is it all in your mind? I just don't think tricking people like that is a nice thing to do. It is very disrespectful. I know you have not done it Jaime, I am just encouraging you not to.

[deleted account]

Jodi, marriage councilling may be a good idea but they can't afford milk, I doubt they can afford that.
Jaime, since the issue isn't actually milk but hubbies stupid hobby. Set up another bank account. When it's pay day (for either of you) withdraw all the money except what you think is an acceptable amount for him to spend on his cards. Put the rest of the money in your account. When he complains where all the money is you can present him with his own bottle of regular milk!

Karla - posted on 05/02/2012

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Sorry ladies, but I don't think the problem is the cards. From everything that has been said the problem is how Jaime's husband deals with stress which is to obsessively submerse himself in buying and playing with his current interest.

Jaime has a plan to control her end of the finances, and her husband needs a plan to deal with his stress and depression with more control and through a healthier avocation. Many turn to religion or spiritual practices for help. Regardless of what he chooses to do, it is his responsibility.

Any discussion about what he should do, or what he has to do or should be made to do with his cards is pointless because the cards are not the problem; rather the uncontrolled habit of buying is the problem.

Isobel - posted on 05/01/2012

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This thread should be entitled "my husband is so addicted to stupid cards that he won't buy food for his family".

Jodi - posted on 05/01/2012

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Jaime, I am only saying I am sensing bigger issues here that need to be addressed, because there really shouldn't be arguments/resentment in a relationship over something that is a basic staple item of food. Have you guys had any counselling? Personally I think you need it, because this is not something that will get better on its own. But that's just my opinion.

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[deleted account]

there's another issue, though, my husband doesn't tell me when he makes a purchase and assumes that if it's something small, like $3 or $4 at a fast food place, it doesn't matter. and no matter what it seems i can't shake him of that. i can't get him to save his receipts. it'd be easier if he only ever bought something when i was with him so i could just get the receipt from him, but since i work all day it's not really that simple. :( it sucks.

i still see these purchases on our online account summary, but i never know what day they're from, and if they're pending and will void out or what. our bank kind of sucks when it comes to that bit.

Shawnn - posted on 05/04/2012

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Jaime,

Another tool:

When we were really struggling, I found it was "easier" to not spend by doing this:

When I got my check, I'd add it into my bank book and then immediately deduct any bills and necessary expenses from it, with the notation "bills". Then, to my eye, the money "wasn't there". That's when we got a handle on our spending. If we didn't "see" the balance there, my hubby wouldn't ask to buy another tool, or car part, or whatever, and I wouldn't have my extras either.

Once we got on our feet, totally, I did away with the chequing account. We have a savings account, and a debit card. All local purchases are cash, or certified bank cheque. All bills are sent electronically for my review, and paid through the bill pay function at our bank. We use the debit card, which is only allowed to have the money that is our "extra" money on it. Once our "extra" is spent, we're done spending. AND, (YAHOO!!!) I can finally say that I have an actual SAVINGS.

Just hang in there, because the initial couple of months will be the hardest, especially for him, although if he's finally reading the info and processing it, this is an EXCELLENT first step! He will be more willing to help with the solution this way

[deleted account]

There is definitely a very thin line between obsession and addiction. My husband is currently obsessed with the cards. However, he is addicted to spending money. And he is very well aware of this, I think. He has mentioned it before, long before we started having major issues with it.

I think I probably used the wrong term when I said his "addictions" went in cycles. They're more like obsessions than addictions. But he's going through a phase where his addiction and his obsession is colliding, and that's where it's become a turning point in our relationship. But I'm sure we can work through this. We have been through much worse than his spending too much. We will definitely not lose our home because of his spending, and at least our daughter is being provided for, whether we are having our own needs met or not. So it could be much worse, and I don't think he would let it get that far. So that's a promising thought.

[deleted account]

I opened the links that Karla had posted and left them open the other day on the computer. He read them, and actually looked into some meetings. Unfortunately, there are none in our area, but he does know and accept that he has a problem, mentioned that he might look into going to an Al-Anon meeting, and that's when we decided to open him his own account. Today, he was listening to National Public Radio (his favorite radio station) and it was Money Talk. They had a guy who had written this book, "How to Be Smarter, Be Richer, and Look Better than Your Parents," talking about money and strategies for being happier with it, and he said that people who save money and have it sitting in the bank (or an equivalent) are generally happier than people who spend their extra money on things to sit around the house. This is a concept I have been trying to get him to understand since we first started dating, that I am happier with money saved than money spent, and he didn't seem to get it until he heard that expert talk about it. Now he realizes that there are more people than just myself who feel this way, and I think it finally got to him that we SHOULD be saving up, instead of just spending what extra we have like he has been doing.

I will also work on being a little more strict with our budget, since I AM at fault for not putting my foot down on his spending earlier. We have plenty of food at the house, so we should cook more instead of going out to eat. If we want to do something special (like for our anniversary coming up) we need to save up for it and if it's not on a specific date, we need to wait until the end of the month when all the bills have been paid and all our savings have been put back. Tomorrow we will have $200 in savings finally and I hope that we can put back at least $50 a week, that shouldn't be too hard at all. If nothing else, we need to be saving our money for when I go on maternity leave (or have to quit, since that's what it's looking like I'll have to do instead) because if I can't get my job back after or school proves to be too hectic with two kids and a job, then we will definitely need the extra money. I need to bring that up with him. We also need to sit down and talk about the budget for the upcoming week, expecting the lowest amount possible on our checks, and then the rest can go to savings or for special stuff.

Karla - posted on 05/03/2012

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Sorry Cathy, but you also said, "I think obsession would be a better word than addiction."
That's what I was addressing.

[deleted account]

I did state that "as long as it doesn't interfere with important things". Obviously when it crosses that line it becomes harmful and if unable to see that and apply some self control it become an addiction.

Most obsessions (mine being shoes) are completely harmless. I have too many shoes, I love shoes, I stare at shoes daily online... but I don't buy them at the expense of going without grocercies. Obsessions are annoying. Jay hates it when I buy yet more shoes just as I hate it when the latest expansion of his favourite video game comes out. Annoying but not harmful.

Addictions hurt.

Karla - posted on 05/03/2012

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Cathy,
I've come to the point where I believe any obsession (hobby or not) that interferes with a productive life has then become an addiction. People don't like that word, it's harsh, but when you define it you realize it does apply in many instances.

I'm sure we all know that obsessions are about brain chemistry and good feelings, some people have more trouble then others controlling their cravings and they become addicted.

[deleted account]

I think obsession would be a better word than addiction. I think it's normal for men to develop them as their way of escaping, be it through sports, video games, magic cards...



There is nothing wrong with it as long as it doesn't interfere with important things like paying bills!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/03/2012

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I have addiction issues (not with drugs, but along the lines of this) so I know where he is coming from, but I do have more self control. But once one addiction is over, it is so easy to fall into another.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/03/2012

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Yes, but addiction is very hard to stop. So, unless they can get into therapy, and he can deal with it, that may not happen. OR he will just get addicted to another distraction. If he isn't spending money, great but he will still have the problem.

Karla - posted on 05/03/2012

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LMCBW,

If he finds a better method to deal with his stress and depression, then he won't be craving cards; that is my point.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/03/2012

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The cards certainly represent the problem though Karla, and if he faces it head on, it may help him in the long run. The cards are just a physical representation of the bigger problem as a whole. Every addiction, you need to face it head on in order to deal with it. Currently his is in the form of magic cards. Also, it is part of the financial responsibility. Jaime sounds like she is willing to take control of the accounts, which certainly is in her families best interest, but he can also play a part in the financial responsibility and facing his addiction at the same time. It doesn't sound like he will stop all together from card buying, so this may be a good alternative in gaining control over the problem. It would have to be his choice, and it may come down to that when he does not have the money to buy them all the time. If the store is willing to give him 75% credit for used cards, it would be literally a trade in at the store reducing the card price. Once again, it may be his alternative in order to continue if he is going to.....which chances are he will without getting proper help.

Stifler's - posted on 05/02/2012

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I agree it sounds like an addiction if he can't give them up to buy milk.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/02/2012

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"BTW- I wasn't the only one that thought, it would be a blind way to move his responsibilities to Jaime. "



If HE sold them, cause HE decided it was a good thing, and a good way to get more cards, it would be HIS responsibility NOT Jaime's. THAT is the difference.



Edited to add I NEVER said MAKE him. If ANYONE should make the effort it should be HIM, that it would be HIM selling them to get more, not HER. That way HE would be making a huge step in the right direction....and HIS responsibility.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/02/2012

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Actually, no it is not the same thing. See, giving him allowance allows him to still have his independance, "having" him sell his cards is giving up his right to enjoy his vice (which is a part of his independance). I was just noticing that the suggestion was made, then when another disagree's, you re-enstate the same suggestion. Who is arguing to argue?



I am not arguing to argue. I am pointing out that there is a bigger issue, than cards. I fail to see how "having" him sell his cards is going to pay the bills. There will be something else, just as Jaime has already pointed out.



You can argue symantec's, if you wish. "Having him" and "Making him" is the same darn thing. Please explain how they differ. Otherwise, correct your context so it says what you actually mean. Since, I obviously misunderstood (other's will too). ;)



BTW- I wasn't the only one that thought, it would be a blind way to move his responsibilities to Jaime.



I have given plenty of suggestions. Selling his cards just wasn't one of them. Since, it is a much bigger picture than cards. It is an issue of spending in general. I think that has been made fairly clear by Jaime.



I think Jaime and her husband having a good talk, like they did, is an excellent first move. Hopefully, it will progress and there will be less money hardships. Otherwise, someone needs to take control, so that the bills are paid and food is bought.



I wish you luck Jaime. I hope it all works out for you both, real soon.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/02/2012

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Did I use the word "make" nope....just you arguing to argue MeMe. I truly have no interest. I am here to help give Jaime suggestions. And, if he wants more cards, then a suggestion was made to sell some off to earn the money. AND I am not the one who originally suggested that. When she gave % of how much he could get, I thought that was good money....better than nothing. He IS a big boy, and that would be his very own decision to make see? Give and take. He sells, he gets new cards. And suggestion giving him allowance is along the same lines. Seriously MeMe. Arguing for arguing sake is getting old. Get over me, and maybe provide some quality advice for Jaime. K? K.

Stifler's - posted on 05/02/2012

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I just added up all our bills over the year and divided it weekly and put that amount away. The rest is for whatever and to save. Damian knows we can't take money out of there unless I say it's ok (because I keep track of when direct debits are coming out).

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/02/2012

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LMCW--- Having HIM sell the cards, not you, if he wants to buy more.



I thought your opinion originally was that men (at least your husband, which makes me believe that would be all men, to you) are big boys and should be able to know what they are doing (including what type of milk and food they consume) and how to make their own decisions?



I agree with Karla, you can't "make" him sell his cards. You can suggest it as an option but keeping open communication and letting each other know how one is feeling, is most important. If both are willing to listen and provide positive options, there is no reason middle ground cannot be reached. If he decides out of all the options, you both bring to the table, that selling/trading cards is one viable way, then great. It just can't be made the only way and it can't become your (Jaime's) responsibility.



Remember, it hasn't always been about cards. So, it is the bigger picture that needs to be focused on. Both of you being on the same page is important. If that means you have to take over the finances and give him an allowace, than so be it. It is just important everyone is happy but most of all, that ALL the bills and food are being paid for and bought. Since, in the end THAT is what will bring happiness. ;)



Happy wife, happy life...

Amy - posted on 05/02/2012

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If your husband can't stick to the family plan then it's time to get your own account! My husband could never stick to a budget and was really messing up the finances, I sat down with him and said I would no longer live paycheck to paycheck trying to figure out how we would pay our mortgage or put food on the table. I informed him that I was going to stop paying his bills and only cover the joint bills that had to be paid, ie electric, cell phone (because we don't have a home phone). He understood that it wasn't an ultimatum because I had already moved my money to a different bank and his name wasn't on the account. Once he finally realized I was serious this time I had him take me to his employee and sign up for direct deposit to my account. We figured out home much money he needed a day for his habits ie smoking and coffee. He now gets $20 a day, he can spend it how he wants. If he needs gas for his car I take him to the gas station and fill his car up. Since we started this over 2 years ago we havent had a problem. All major purchases are joint decisions and if he wants something that is not a necessity we now have money for it.

Maybe you should make an appointment with a financial advisor, if hearing it from you comes across as nagging him he might listen to an outside party. I'm also pretty sure you can find one that's free if you look around through state services.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/02/2012

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Having HIM sell the cards, not you, if he wants to buy more.

Karla - posted on 05/02/2012

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BTW, I complete disagree with the idea of selling his cards. That puts the responsibility for his actions on you, and creates a power struggle that does not help. It is actually another form of co-dependent behavior because you would be taking responsibility for his actions. Not your job.



Jaime, you have a good plan and you discussed it with your husband, that is a great start to taking care of yourself and your family. :-)

Shawnn - posted on 05/02/2012

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Good job. We don't do separate accounts, but that's because we only have the savings, which I've code worded.

We set amounts for each of us that is our "allowable" spending. I don't question his, he doesn't question mine. But, for anything over the allowable, we have to both agree on the purchase. Starting with a weekly limit is a good way to keep within bounds.

My hubby has gotten very good at staying within his limits, and so have I ;-)

[deleted account]

We were actually able to discuss it today. I think we're going to open him up his own account into which I'll transfer a certain amount every week. If he burns through that amount, tough on him, but at least it won't affect the bills.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/02/2012

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50% is better than nothing, and right now that is what you have. I mean you cannot even buy the man milk.

Shawnn - posted on 05/02/2012

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Jaime,

First, go put a code word on your bank account, so he can't withdraw. Then take his checkbook away! If he won't listen about the budget, you give him an allowance, and once he's spent it, he can hit the pawn shops and start selling some of his stuff.

My hubby is hobby crazy too, but not to the point of putting our finances in trouble. But, he asked for his own "allowance" to control his own spending. It's only the manly thing to do....

Tell him to man up or you'll treat him like the baby

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/02/2012

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I am with Cathy. This is also why my husband has no access to my accounts or our savings without me knowing first. He must have a justifiable reason. He has his pay cheque. Which half of it goes into our house account for our monthly living costs. He is responsible for his gas and car insurance. I transfer the money from his account to his visa (he had maxed when we met because he rarely made payments to it). After that, he can do as he pleases with his left over money. It is his and I don't care what he does with it.



I do ALL the grocery shopping (there is a list, posted on the fridge, he can write needs and wants down on, I will get them for him when I go).



My husband is an extravagant spender and would not think twice to spend everything we made, if he had the ability to. He forgets we have bills and kids to pay for. I bare the responsibility because it is a vital part of our remaining where we live.



My foot is a heavy one and I do not lift it unless required. The reason must be justifiable or it isn't happening.



I think it is important, Jaime, that you figure out how to put your foot down. Remember, the number one reason for divorce IS money!

[deleted account]

And this is why my man has no access to my accounts or our saving account without clearing it with me that we have the money. He's been in loads of debt, I haven't. He knows he can't control his spending so all he has is his income, minus a small transfer to our savings, to play with. And with his money he has to manage the car, fuel, insurance... that's his entire bill paying responsibility.

You make sure you have money to pay the bills, do the grocery shopping etc. Whatever is left, let him spend as he chooses without question or contempt till it's out of his system but do let him break the budget before the essential stuff is dealt with. It's not on and you need to put your foot down when he starts making excuses.

I do know what it's like. Been there with the whole WOW addiction!

Mrs. - posted on 05/02/2012

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Jamie, I don't know if you are aware of this, but you keep justifying your husband's actions. And no, you would not be a bitch for selling his cards....he would be considered the bitch for putting cards before money for food. As others have said, you need to get ahold of this money before he can spend it and please get yourself to an Al-anon meeting (they are free) or support group in your area.

There is nothing you can do to change your husband all you can do is change your reaction to him and make choices that are best for you and your family on your part.

If you go to one of those meetings, you will start to learn to accept responsibility for your part of this....justifying and enabling him to do these things.

Janice - posted on 05/02/2012

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Just a suggestion. when my hubby wants a new PS3 game he usually trades in 2-3 old games so that he is only spending 30-40$ on his new game rather than 60$. Doesn';t help the addiction but reduces spending.



My hubby always tries to justify frivilous(sp) purchases by saying they are for me too. He tries to get me to play WOW or explains how the game or product would be for both of us. So I get what that is like.

[deleted account]

Janice, most of the cards he gets, he gets by trading. It's just recently that he's started wanting to spend actual money on them. I think it's because he thinks that by making me my own deck he's got a good reason to do it.

Also it's hard to sell these cards for the full price. He can only get 75% in-store credit or 50% cash if he sells them to the shop, and it's not really worth it if it's just going to go to 1) more cards or 2) the gas to get him there and back, since most of his cards are inexpensive.

Ugh...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/02/2012

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Jaime, we are just trying to help you and give you alternatives. In the long run, it is about sitting down and talking as adults, as husband and wife, as parents. Finding out what you both need to do to change things and make it stick, and do it. There can be excuses for everything. It is extremely hard to make changes to ones self, and you cannot change someone who does not want to change. Sooooooo....taking control of the finances sounds like it will be your first step. Do it. Get it done. Certainly sit down and discuss it, no adult wants to be treated like a child, but if you want to at least change your finances, you can have THAT in your control. Then, if you do go to a group for addiction, YOU can learn the proper tools to help him. If he chooses not to go, then at least you are making an effort to learn how to deal with it emotionally for your self, and getting the support YOU need to cope.

[deleted account]

LMCBW, when he gets hooked on something, he stays that way until it runs its course. He's been stuck on this for so long because he has a LOT of friends who are also playing this. If I tried to get help from them, not a single one of them will be on my side because a lot of them have broken up with girlfriends for less than accusing them of being addicted. His best friend, who he MIGHT listen to, would just think I was being a nag and would ignore me. He seems to encourage hubby to spend money, be it on cards or fast food or whatever. Yes, I know it is not a good relationship, but what can I do, they've been friends since kindergarten, I have nothing on that. Hubby knows his friend is not a good influence, but he still hangs out with him and if I were to say something about it (because I have before) he just gets upset.

Oh, another thing he gets addicted to is food. But that can be another expensive thing. All the stuff he'd be interested in is expensive! I'm at a loss for what I could do. Counseling sounds like the best idea right now, if we could find the time to go.

Janice - posted on 05/02/2012

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If he is buying lots of cards could he sell some old ones?
This wont help much addiction wise but maybe if you can get him to agree to only spending double what he trades in it would help. So if he sells 15$ in cards he can buy 30$ in new ones but really he is only spending 15$ and he is still getting his new card fix.......IDK

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/02/2012

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What about redirecting his current addiction to something else? Hell maybe even another video game, or something constructive.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/02/2012

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Addiction is addiction. Gambling, hoarding, drinking, drugs, over eating or obesity, porn, bulimia, all these addictions are emotionally based, control, etc. He may know the problem, you may know the problem but until it is addressed properly and he has the tools to work through it, it certainly does go in a viscous cycle.

Karla - posted on 05/02/2012

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Jamie,

An affordable hobby is okay, when it gets in the way of paying one's bills, it is not okay. Not to be too cliche, but admitting there is a problem is the first step to making amends. And you are right, this is better than substance abuse since that alters the person physically... very sad.



You know, if he's admitted he's addicted, that's really good. What he also needs to learn is that he cannot recover alone, he needs help. Sorry, that might sound harsh, but from everything I have learned it is the truth.



Jaime, sorry I keep spelling your name wrong, I'll work on that! ;-)

Karla - posted on 05/02/2012

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Janice,

I believe Jamie already mentioned that her husband deals with depression by buying magic cards. From all I have heard, this is an emotional issue more than anything else. He needs to recover from this problem, he needs tools to learn a better way to deal with his depression or stress. (This is true of all addictive behaviors.)

[deleted account]

Karla, I checked out your link again. Yay, I'm following the list pretty well xD

Okay, when you say "addicted to Magic" does it count when he's constantly talking about it, constantly bringing it up during conversations that have nothing to do with it, and constantly messing with his cards when we're home? If so, then yes, he's addicted, but the sad thing is he goes in cycles of addiction. This one just happens to be lasting a lot longer than usual because he's in a city where there are a lot of other Magic players around. Before this, it was an addiction to superhero comics, because before we moved here, we lived in a town with a lot of comic book enthusiasts. Before that, it was the video game series of Halo, because a lot of his friends were into it. And before that, it was Magic, because it was what his friends were into. He just goes in this merry-go-round of addictions to different things, but this one is the most expensive and though I'm okay with him having a hobby, it hurts because he puts so much into it instead of into our relationship or into making sure the bills are paid on time.

What's even worse, though, is that he KNOWS he has an addiction, and he SAYS he's working on it, but then, like I said, he goes off and wastes more money on his addiction.

At least it's not alcohol or some other substance abuse. I can't handle him when he's drunk, he's too goofy and annoying and loud.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/02/2012

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When you go on maternity leave, for however long or short it will be, you are going to be down to a one income family. Getting this rectified before hand will be in your families best interest. But you cannot do this by pointing fingers. Treating eachother with respect, dignity and love when sitting down to have this discussion. Money talks can always be tricky. You say that when you talk to him about it, he gets depressed, and spends more. It may be in the tone you take or the words, I don't know. It could just be the gravity of the situation that sets him off. This does not give ample reason to avoid the discussion altogether.

Karla - posted on 05/02/2012

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This is all making sense to me now.

Your anger and depression issues likely stem from dealing with his addiction to buying magic cards. It's frustrating and heartbreaking to know that you make enough money, but cannot pay bills on time because of his habit or addiction. This is a vicious cycle and the sooner you find a way to distance yourself from it emotionally, the better off you will be.

After reading your last two posts, I very strongly recommend you look into al-anon - it offers support for those who have an addict in their life. It's not a cure all, but it helps you know how to love without supporting addictive illnesses. If you would rather not go to a meeting, perhaps reading their material would help; it's usually geared toward alcoholism, but applies to other addictions and mental illnesses very well I think.

Hang in there! It's okay.

Janice - posted on 05/02/2012

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Jaime I have most of our bills set on auto pay so that they come out of our account automatically. It helped repair our credit. It has become an issue for us because we do not keep track of our expenses in any way, shape or form :O Ahhh! But it may be helpful for you. :)



I just dont get why he needs so many new cards. My hubby and all his friends (and me too sometimes but I suck) played magic and once you have a base of cards you can just reconfigure the decks as needed. Then just buy a few new cards here and there. I think Karla is right about the spending addiction.



My hubby wants to spend more money than we have all the time but he has learned to control himself now that we have kids. But he does not listen to me when it comes to savings. He is the only one getting a check and would rather have a safety net in our checking rather than savings but we always spend it -grrrrrr

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/02/2012

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If he is seriously spending $60 per week, that is $240 per month. I wouldn't say rich, I would say you would have enough for groceries and gas. Taking responsibility for the bills, and the checking account might be your best bet. You have another baby on the way which means more diapers, formula (if not BF, and WIC should cover it) clothing, list goes on. I do not blame your husband for wanting special things for himself. But he does need to learn to limit. Also, you may need to learn to be a bit more lenient with food items. It is all a give and take. There are plenty of ways to make it work financially, but you both need to work together without accusations or a fight.....on BOTH sides.

[deleted account]

If my husband only spent $15 a month on his cards we would be rich. We're supposed to be doing good. And yet here we are, gas bill will be late this week, insurance on our cars was late last week, and we'll probably somehow be late on our rent too, when we make plenty for all our bills and then some. We were late on our insurance specifically because he wanted to buy something, possibly for me, I can't remember, and suggested we waited until Friday when he got paid to pay the insurance. And then it was higher than he told me. Ugh.

Karla - posted on 05/02/2012

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Oh, now we are getting somewhere.

Forget about the lunch, you two need some time together, and that's a drop in the bucket.

Follow through with your plan for banking, be sure he is very clear that he cannot touch the account for paying bills. Because of his lack of control he will have to live on the allowance you two set together. Plus side, now you will have money to buy him the kind of milk he likes. ;-)

Oh, and concerning counseling... I would bet they have heard all kinds of things on the phone. Perhaps you could call, and ask if they can reopen your case without the initial $50 being charged again especially since part of the problem is money. It can't hurt too much to ask, and in the long run it may really help you and your hubby get over this hump.

as you say
"But lack of concern for bills that don't have to be paid this month? Thinking there will be extra money in the future to make up for his spending? Those sound the most like him."

Do you think some of these ideas would help him?
http://www.spenders.org/abstinence.html

If you think this spending and/or magic cards thing is an addiction, you may want to look into al-anon for help for yourself as well. no fee.

Janice - posted on 05/02/2012

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I will 3rd Cathy's idea! That may be the best short term solution.

I think we have similar husbands. mine spends 15$ a month on World of Warcraft and really has little awareness of our bills. Luckily we rarely have major money issues but we have zero savings. I have decided that I need to take charge of our finances despite him.

It will be hard since we never know how much he will make and I don't work but one of needs to be financially responsible!

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Karla, I checked out that link. Thankfully most of those questions don't really apply to us since we hate credit cards and don't have good enough credit to get them anyway. But lack of concern for bills that don't have to be paid this month? Thinking there will be extra money in the future to make up for his spending? Those sound the most like him. He gets money and immediately wants to spend it.

I think what I'll do is go up there with him next chance I get (wish someone had thought of this yesterday morning when we weren't do anything productive xD) and open him his own account, get him his own card for that, cut up his card for our current one, and put money in his account once a week. I have checkbooks for our current account, so I want to keep it as our "bills" account. Otherwise I'd open one just for that. I don't know if they buy back checkbooks (they did for a little while a few years ago) or else I'd just do that.

And yes, I agree, we do need counseling. But, funny thing there again: I set myself up to go to counseling for anger management and depression. I got to go one fucking time and had to borrow the money for that one time ($50, because yes we have a counseling place that uses a sliding scale and I set it up with just my income) from my parents because my husband had wasted the money set back for it on God knows what. THEN I had a second appointment scheduled, and it was only going to be $20, but damn it all if my husband didn't spend $90 the weekend before on entertaining his stupid friends, leaving me with nothing to pay for my counseling session. So I had to cancel and in the end, they closed my case and I made an ass of myself over the phone so I'm too embarrassed to go back this soon. Yes I know it shouldn't matter, it was over the phone, but they knew my name and would get it again and I'd have to spend another $50 on another initial exam and then again hope to God my husband doesn't spend the money I would set back for the second session.

I think that's what really pisses me off about him. I don't ask for a damn thing but he's always wanting something. I just want peace of mind knowing the bills are paid and we have money set back in case of an emergency. We should be getting at least $600 this Friday and only $150 of it is going to bills, so I'm going to bring up our savings to $200, dammit, and then the rest goes to rent and groceries.

Oh, and the reason he spent $60 this past weekend is because he 1) spent $30 on some cards to make me a deck so that we could play together once in a while, 2) told me they were doing some kind of tournament Sunday that my deck would have been awesome in (which was only supposed to be $7 so I didn't mind so much), and then 3) turns out they aren't doing that until NEXT Sunday but he went ahead and paid $26 for the damn "pre-release" tournament and got a bunch of bullshit cards. Oh, and he claimed he was going to donate plasma (you get at least $15 each time you donate and an extra $5 if you donate twice in seven days) to make up for the money he spent on the pre-release and the cards, but then he wants to use that money to buy lunch at a fancy restaurant ($11 but at least it was for both of us) and God knows what else, instead of using it for the gas money that he wasted on those cards, or for the groceries we could have bought. The restaurant bit is partially my fault, I should have said no, but damn, we never get to go out, and I was really craving Chinese. $11 for two buffets and a baby's plate is pretty good. But still, that money could have gone to something else.

So yeah...maybe I have a problem too, but at least I'm making sure the bills get paid, even though they aren't on time because of his bullshit...

Karla - posted on 05/01/2012

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Wow, I just read through the whole thread, there was a lot being said in the last few hours, and I'm glad I read it. Jamie I like your plan for visiting the bank and seeing what you can do to limit his access to the money. It really sounds like even he knows he has a problem with spending on Magic cards, so hopefully he will understand your efforts.



I was going to suggest you check into food stamps, but from what you are saying there would be enough money if your husband wasn't addicted to spending and/or magic cards. It still might be something to check into though.



Honestly, I'm recommending checking this out: http://www.spenders.org/are_you.html



Also, you might want to consult with the local YWCA or Social Services for sliding scale marital counseling . I completely agree with Jodi that one's education in psychology does not mean you should have all the answers, it's okay to get some advice from an impartial professional.



Hang in there Jamie! I know it had to be hard to try to rant about something that appears little, when if fact it's a bigger issue. It's okay, we all have a burden or two... hang in there.



edit for my grammatical errors... and probably missed a few. ah, well.

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