Letting your man stray could be good for the relationship!

Isobel - posted on 08/06/2010

ok, here goes. I get the fact that some people are not as monogamous as others...I understand open marriages, in that you wish to spend your life and grow old with one person, while once in while wanting to f*** somebody else. Some people are cool with that.

That being said, unfortunately I am not one of those people. I've had an habitual cheater as a husband and there is nothing worse for your sense of self esteem in the world...Teresa...I feel your pain, but there are some good ones out there...I promise.

I do NOT buy that once a cheater always a cheater... there are people who make mistakes, and others who constantly go out of their way to seek it out...they are NOT the same. Marriages survive infidelity all the time.

On the subject of monogamous animals, scientists did a study of Canadian Geese (which mate for life) and found that at least 10% of goslings in nests were NOT the genetic offspring of the male partner...just sayin...it's not only a human thing.

Fiona - posted on 08/06/2010

not really, although that situation did come up, before we married my husband and i were also dating the same guy (he had two boyfriends at the time) when we found out my birth control had failed, we talked it over and decided that we would keep the baby regardless of who the father was. (by the time we found out the only other option was to adopt him) i already knew by that time that it was my husband i wanted to be with and we had previously been talking about getting married and having kids in a couple of years. if that situation should happen again then my husband is willing to treat any child i should have as his own. should my husband ever father a kid to another woman, then it does depend on what the other woman wants, although we would preferably like some involvement in the childs life. we still do regular check ups at sexual health clinic, just to be on the safe side, but so far the worst thats happened is a communal yeast infection. then again our open relationship doesnt really go beyond me, my husband and his boyfriend at least for the moment

Lindsay - posted on 08/06/2010

I have an honest question for all of you in an open marriage/relationship. I has been brought up that the risk is raised for exposure for STDs. Do you all have a plan or arrangement if the BC and condoms fail and there is an undesired pregnancy?

*Lisa* - posted on 08/06/2010

I still don't see how it's helpful for a marriage to be able to sleep around. If you share everything with anyone, then what is left sacred for the marriage?? Carol, you mentioned sharing spiritual things with other people too, which I totally get. But then if you are sharing every part of you with someone else as well as your husband, what is special about the relationship with your husband? I know you said you don't have an Open marriage, but I just mean for those who do. If nothing is left solely for your marriage, then I don't see how it's any different then shacking up with your best mate and vowing to live together and share life with him, and anyone else who may come along.

Jenni - posted on 08/06/2010

My husband's BF's parents were swingers. they were swinging with this other couple. They ended up switching partners or are now together with eachother's SO's. lol sooooo... i guess it all worked out for the better? everyone's happy at least!

Lea - posted on 08/06/2010

MMMMMM delicious herpieeeeees pass that around yesssss :P

Fiona - posted on 08/06/2010

@ Carol. *applause* that is the best way of putting it i've seen yet, and probably far more clearly explains where i'm coming from as well.

Johnny - posted on 08/06/2010

I was joking when I said that my hubby and I have an open relationship, but I just don't get why people can not understand why it works for some marriages. Choosing to have sexual relations with others does not negate every marriage pact. Not all people swear in their vows to forsake all others. I know we didn't. We could one day choose to open our marriage, and that in no way would undermine or belittle the bond that we share.

I suppose if your only bond is a sexual one, then perhaps you'd be in trouble. But the bond my hubby & I share is spiritual, friendship, and many many more things. Some of those things, I do with other people. I have other friends. I share things with other people who are not my husband. Just tonight my girlfriend and I went to the Superstore and argued about loading patio furniture into the car. If that's not something reserved for marriage, I don't know what is ;-P

Sex is another part of marriage (hopefully). Most people reserve that just for their spouse, but choosing to share it does not mean that there is no point in being married. What a silly concept!

I'm not planning to divorce Steve because I share my spiritual thoughts with one of my best friends who happens to be a man. And those are really far more intimate than a quickie at some party.

Fiona - posted on 08/05/2010

the point of my husband and i getting married is to prove our committment to each other no matter what happens. why did you get married? probably for the same reason. why should it matter if we are in an open relationship? we intend to spend the rest of our lives together. if we happen to see a guy or girl that catches our eye then we have the opportunity to ask them round to our place, but we dont have to. in fact we're not even the sort of person who'd probably want to. my husband has a boyfriend, so what? he quite literally is part of the family. and this works for us. as far as the question of us being animals, i've set up another thread to debate that, since i'd rather not derail this thread too much.

Sharon - posted on 08/05/2010

For the most part animals cannot rationalise or project outcomes from a particular action. So maybe you aren't capable of rationalization or tool using but I am, so are my kids and my husband.

Myself & my husband are mature human beings who understand what a MARRIAGE is about. its not about looking for the next conquest, notch on a bedpost or anything like that. If you aren't done sleeping around then you are not ready to be MARRIED. Tell yourself all you want that you're just having fun - but in reality you're leaving yourself open to way to many dangers.

You might be happy you're husband has taken his sexual favors else where but I would never be happy about that. Actually I think my feelings would go the other way.

*Lisa* - posted on 08/05/2010

I feel the same way Kati. What's the point of getting married if you are going to be sleeping around with other people? That's not marriage. That's wanting to have the best of both worlds, fear of actually committing to each other. I don't believe that an open marriage will last. Sure it may be fun for a while but sooner or later, it will lead to someone falling in love with someone else. Sex is such an intimate act. You can't get more intimate than sharing your body with someone else.

Ava - posted on 08/05/2010

My fiance cheated on me a number of times. No, it doesn't help. I absolutely do not feel even nearly as connected to him as I did, in fact I could possibly be out of love. I think the same goes for him, we're just in it for our daughter now. Relationships CAN be stronger after *one* affair, if it's *one* mistake that the person will not repeat and he or she realizes "wow, my spouse really is the best for me". . . but if it's more than once, the relationship as far as love goes really isn't worth saving in my eyes (it barely is even after once; if I didn't have my daughter, I'da kicked his ass out after the first offense).

Rosie - posted on 08/05/2010

i truly don't understand why people get married if they want to do this. why vow to be faithful to that one person if that's not what you are going to do? even if the other person is OK with it, it makes no sense to me to do it while married.
no i don't think it's going to make your relationship stronger. if both parties are for it, yeah i can see how it can. but that usually isn't the case.
as for once a cheater always a cheater. according to maya angelou you should believe someone when they show you who they are. she's a pretty smart lady, i think i'll take her advice.:)

Toni - posted on 08/05/2010

I would never be comfortable with my hubby having sex with another woman (or man for that matter) because WE made promises to each other to stay faithful when we married. I cannot see how open marriages work but if you wish to have an open marriage/ relationship that is up to the participants of that relationship.

I do not know anybody who has had an affair and made their relationship stronger - it rips it apart pretty much straight away!

I do think a leopard can change their spots though - there are different reasons why people cheat sometimes if those issues are addressed then the person won't cheat again.

For my hubby I do not mind if he looks at other women or even if he chats them up because I KNOW he would not cheat on me and that flirting is just harmless fum. I don't even mind if he dances with women when he is out - I draw the line at kissing and touching bums or boobs is wrong.

Lea - posted on 08/05/2010

Yes! Because Herpies is sooo good for you! Trust me its very romantic!!! And your man being another woman's baby daddy.... ohhh soooooo hot!!!!!!! Bring it on!

Fiona - posted on 08/05/2010

Then some serious talking needs to take place, if in at least our relationship i or my husband failed to stop a minute even just to say hey this is what's happening is it okay, do you want to join sort of thing, then its failure to respect one anothers role in our lives. the whole thing about saying and asking your significant other at least as far as our relationship and our rules go, is that we are the significant others and deserve the right to know whats happening, even if its just a quick text or some such.

Charlie - posted on 08/05/2010

Most open relationships have rules such as , no kissing , no spooning , no dating basically anything that could cross from sex to intimacy that's just one way the rules could go from what i heard today on a discussion on the View .

I would never be able to trust a person who cheated , i find it hard to trust people who lie full stop .

Stifler's - posted on 08/05/2010

what if it's the heat of the moment and you don't have time to discuss it

Fiona - posted on 08/04/2010

yeah. like with any relationship it is all about communication, if my husband were to go behind my back and sleep with someone without telling me then that is cheating, both parties in the relationship have to be okay with what each other are doing, and given the chance to say yay or nay. if you don't then it is a huge betrayal of chance as is any case where a guy cheats. not because he's sleeping with someone else but because he didnt tell me. thats the difference

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 08/04/2010

I think that would be "cheating" in a open relationship
when you go behind the others back...

Stifler's - posted on 08/04/2010

I agree with whoever said people cheat for a reason though.

Stifler's - posted on 08/04/2010

So how do you define cheating in an open relationship... is it cheating if you hook up with someone else without them knowing?

Teresa - posted on 08/04/2010

I know one couple where the husband had some one night stands and one affair. They are still together, but it is a constant struggle for his wife and she only gets through it by handing it to God.



I know another couple where the woman had an affair several years ago. They stayed together and tried to make it work. They are now divorcing cuz the husband couldn't get past it.



I used to think I would take my ex back, but there is NO WAY. And since he cheated on me and broke his vows and left us.... I'm terrified of attempting to trust any other man ever again (though I'm trying).

Johnny - posted on 08/04/2010

My husband and I have an open marriage but we're both so darn hot that we aren't interested in anyone else.

I think that there are as many different ways to have a successful relationship as there are relationships. But I'm pretty sure that poor communication, hiding true feelings and lying to each other are not common routes to a happy union.

Fiona - posted on 08/04/2010

but its not whatever, whenever we have to both be comfortable with what is happening and wherever possible both of us involved. for example he has an ex, who is probably going to try sleep with him when we go up to a convention. ive asked my husband not to as i prefer them to be only friends, no extras, he has agreed and asked i let him deal with it. as for getting married, it just felt the right thing for us after we found out i was pregnant. we'd already been talking about marriage at 'some point' this just brought things forward. its about us making a committment to each other that no matter who enters our life we will always be there for each other when other people come and go.

Jenni - posted on 08/04/2010

*Barf* .........as long as he let's me stay too! lol

Tah - posted on 08/04/2010

so my question to you..and im not being a smart-ass..is why did you get married if you were going to have a open relationship...why not stay single and do what you want to do..why commit if everyone is allowed to do whatever, whenever with whomever they want...

Fiona - posted on 08/04/2010

Actually men are animals. so are women. sorry it just irritates me when people separate humans out from the animal kingdom like that. having said that what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom is our sentience, sapiance and the fact we've figured out how to blow up the planet if we want. Humans have a special type of stupidity unique to us.

in regards to the actual topic, extra-marital activities, for most relationships aren't something thats a good thing, it gives some people a wake-up call that somethings gone wrong, but the damage it can do is amazing. my husband and i have an open relationship, he has a boyfriend who is part of the family, and that works for us. we are both, if we want to, allowed to go out, hit on people, even bring someone home if we want. the chances of that happening though are very slim. neither of us are overly social and we'd rather sit at home gaming together than heading out partying.

Sharon - posted on 08/04/2010

I'm with Lindsay. Good lord - men aren't animals. Hell animals have better ethics than most straying men.

If your "man" needs to fuck something else - then he is no man. If you aren't responsible enough to work on your relationship and be faithful to the one you made an emotional and legal comittment too, then you shouldn't be in a relationship at all. GROW UP.

Lindsay - posted on 08/04/2010

What a load of crap! I mean really, I find it to be highly insulting to believe that a grown man doesn't have enough self-control that he's incapable of maintaining a monogomous relationship. It's about choices and having respect for yourself and your partner. Relationships aren't a cake walk and I don't care how good of a couple you are, at some point you are going to have difficult times. If you aren't willing to put the effort into maintaining a relationship, it's probably not going to work out. Oking it for either party to run off with someone else isn't going to help or fix anything.

April - posted on 08/04/2010

humans are not the only animals that mate for life...there are others in the animal kingdom that also mate for life, as well. i think penguins are one of them. anyway...this tells me that it can be natural to have one mate for life.

Tracey - posted on 08/04/2010

If a man is in a happy marriage he wont want to stray

Erin - posted on 08/04/2010

I read the comments after the article and found it interesting some ppl were saying that they have no books out for men explaining what they should expect from a woman, but we have tons of crap telling women what they need to suck up because its in HIS nature...Nothing that is one sided is healthy and will last!

Sharon - posted on 08/04/2010

Its bullshit.

Tah - posted on 08/04/2010

If my husband strayed im sure it could only end badly for him....yeah i'm pretty sure...I think that a relationship after hard work can be rebuilt after an affair, but i doubt the affair is what made it stronger..maybe looking at the relationship and each other closely helps but not the affair...i thik if you put the fear of God in a cheater..then he can change, if you allow it to continue and make him feel its alright after the first time, why would he stop...having cake is good but eating it is better...

LaCi - posted on 08/04/2010

I think the mutual decision to have other sexual relationships can be healthy for some couples.

I don't think lying and sneaking around makes anything healthier, and I don't buy into "once a cheater, always a cheater" I believe that depends on the reasons someone is cheating.

Stifler's - posted on 08/04/2010

LOL I think I'd be more offended if my boyfriend cheated with someone he was secretly in love with rather than someone he wanted to have sex with but didn't really like or leave me for.

Krista - posted on 08/04/2010

My husband saw this last night and was laughing his ass off about it. He said, "So spooning is cheating, but screwing isn't? The rules they have are so damned convoluted, wouldn't it be a lot easier and less complicated to just stay faithful to each other, instead of having this goddamn mental flow chart of what's acceptable and what's not?"

Stifler's - posted on 08/04/2010

BAHAHAHHAA. Anyone who wants to "stray" isn't worth it.

Mylene - posted on 08/04/2010

I think that people say that cheating is healthy because it is so much simpler than actually addressing the issues that make you WANT to cheat. we still look at the menu but have no intention of ordering. If a good looking woman/man passes by, we will look and even talk about what attracts us to that person. Doesn't mean we go out and sleep with them. Men aren't hardwired to cheat, that is complete bs.

Tara - posted on 08/04/2010

This pretty much says that men can't resist the urges based on their DNA. Phooey.
If I were a man I would be insulted. Cheating is good for a marriage the way bleeding is good for your heart.
The two most important aspects of a marriage are trust and respect. And when there is an affair both of those go out the window.
Once a cheater always a cheater? hmmmm.... from my experiences this is true. If a man chooses to step out of his marriage once and is not turfed onto his cheating ass the first time, he WILL cheat again, why not? He has nothing to lose right? I couldn't trust my partner if he cheated. I would feel so betrayed and distrusting of him. There would be little to no chance that our relationship would survive and if it did I can't see ever being able to feel completely trusting of him again.
That said,
I know one couple who both cheated at the same time. They were taking a 3 month break. Trying to decide if they wanted to stay married, they were both supposed to remain faithful during this time, both of them broke the rules. They got back together, stayed together and seem happier now. But I know it took her a long time to trust him. Weird though he figured as soon as she was with him again she wouldn't "need" to cheat. lol
:)Tara

Ashley - posted on 08/04/2010

No, no, no! HELL NO! When my husband said "I do" he said "I dont" to every other woman on the face of the earth. I dose not mean we stop looking. Hell my husband and I sit at malls and comment on each girl that passes. We can do stuff like that because not in a million years would my husband ever cheat on me.
Now writing that it feels really good knowing that is true. Why would you marry someone you didnt trust that much? Why live with the wondering and low selfesteem?
Once a cheater always a cheater, No.
Men are built to cheat, no. Men were built to think that they are the top dogs and can do whatever they want. Time and society has greatly changed that. Any woman or man who believes that it is just in a mans blood to cheat needs to go back to the 40s. Just like its in mans blood to beet and belittle his wife right?
This is crazy!!!

Iris - posted on 08/04/2010

Right.... you can be with whomever, but spooning is cheating. NOOOOOOOO!

I draw the line a little shorter than she does and I guess it's all personal preferences. To me cheating is flirting with another woman and leading her on, you can't commit. You have a vagina at home that knows how to work your socks off, so use it!! Just MHO...

If the wife is not willing then you need to talk about things, show some respect to your partner.

Shelley - posted on 08/04/2010

thats crap i'm not about to allow my husband to run off with a couple of dirty women and bring back their std's. If i was good enough to marry and good enough to stay with then i'm good enough to be faithful to.
i'm not sure what part exactly is good for me.

Amie - posted on 08/04/2010

“Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not on the long-term. Men are hard-wired to betray women on the long-term.”

Wow, that almost makes me feel sorry for people who believe this.

There is a difference to feeling an urge because you notice someone attractive and acting on that urge.

I, and my husband, can appreciate people we find attractive. We can even talk about it. This in no way means we have now, or in the future, will want to step outside our marriage.

I know more than one couple who have remained faithful to each other into their old age. Men are not hard wired, but drivel like this will think it's a good excuse to pull out if they do "stray".

Cheating is cheating and it is wrong. If you can not commit to one person, what's the point?

The love I feel for my husband goes beyond meaningless sex. Which is all that sex is outside of loving relationship (married or otherwise).

What is happening to society? Seriously, this utter crap keeps creeping up all over the place. In the name of, I don't know what. It's just crap.

People are cheating now more then ever, people are getting divorced now more then ever. More excuses are being given every day (it seems) on why it's "acceptable" to step outside your relationship. It's not acceptable, it's not right and I am thankful I married someone who feels the same way I do.

If you can not commit, if you can not work on it between two people, I don't understand why people would want to be together. If you're not going to put in the time and effort.

Relationships are hard, really hard some days. There are days I do not particularly like my husband, even though I still love him. Even on our worst days I never thought of looking elsewhere. Even in the midst of a sexual slump, I didn't think of looking elsewhere. Isn't that the cornerstone of a good relationship? Being able to communicate?

What does that say about a relationship if you can't even communicate about a serious problem within the relationship? How is sleeping with someone else going to fix a sexual problem in a relationship?

Obviously if you are with a caveman, who really can't control his urges and really does want to go poke every woman he finds attractive, this wouldn't apply. I'm willing to bet that most of us aren't with cavemen though.

Also makes you wonder how many of those divorce stats are from couples who give the ok to date outside the marriage. I've read some swingers comments in our newspaper. (they did an article on the local swingers club last year.) Even THEY have restrictions on the who, when and how. (Still makes NO sense to me. ) Which would defeat the purpose of allowing your husband to sleep with someone else wouldn't it? If you have to give the ok?

Or is this all on the premise that you just say "ok honey go diddle whomever you like" while you sit at home with no idea what's going on or who he's doing it with. Sounds tricky to me and more hassle then it's worth.