losing a baby....

Hannah - posted on 11/19/2010 ( 35 moms have responded )

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February 10th/11th, 2009 were the worst two days of my life :( On the 10th, I had a dr's appointment with my ob/gyn....he couldnt find a heartbeat and so he sent us for an emergency ultrasound at a clinic. it was confirmed at the clinic through ultrasound that we had lost our baby due to genetic defects, specifically trisomy 18. I was exactly 19 weeks along. On February 10th, I went to the hospital to hospital and stayed for a couple of hours where they monitored me, took some blood and was given cytotec to induce labour. Then I went home and waited my labour out. Next day, we were back at the hospital where I had my baby. Then I spent the day being monitored and recovering....

When I had my baby in the hospital, I didnt get to see him or hold him as the nurses wouldnt allow it, he didnt grow right and they felt that I had already been traumatised enough. I felt what you would feel in labour, the urge to push, water breaking, baby dropping, cramping etc. I had the hospital chaplain come to talk to us to offer support and someone to talk to, and I had a nurse come and sit and cry with me as she gave me an autospy consent form(Still makes me tear up to think of that and the look on her face)

So it got me thinking is a miscarriage or the loss of a baby harder as time goes on? What are your thoughts?

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Mary - posted on 11/21/2010

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I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. Although I doubt the heartache ever completely goes away, I do believe it stings a little less sharply over time. You will never forget, nor should you try.

I'm not sure that this will help, but it is something that has made a difference for me, with not only my own loss, but in caring for women who are losing their baby as well.

For whatever amount of time that child is within us, they have the perfect life, short though it may be. All they will ever know is the warmth, love and comfort of their mother's body. They will never know fear, pain, hunger, rejection or abandonment. They spent their entire existence cocooned within the embrace of your body and heart, and while their lifetime seemed all too short, it was more than enough leave an indelible footprint on your soul. Their spirit lives on within you, and you carry it in your heart every day.

Erin - posted on 11/20/2010

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I think it's impossible, and completely counter-productive, to try and quantify a mother's grief over losing a baby. So I can only base my opinion on a scare I had when I was 22 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I went to the toilet one morning and there was bright red blood on the TP. I freaked out and my mind immediately went to the worst case scenario (needlessly, because it was cervical erosion and the baby was fine). But by that point, I knew I was having a girl, I had been feeling her move for weeks and weeks, and I already knew the things she liked and didn't like in the womb. If something had gone terribly wrong, I would have had to labour and deliver her just as with a full-term baby. For me, in that moment, it would have been far worse than an early miscarriage.

Charlie - posted on 11/19/2010

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I'm sorry for your loss Hannah i too lost my baby at 15 weeks fourtunately the hospital let me hold her as much as i liked and they gave me a beautiful box the elderly paint especially for this situation , they made me an album to take home with hand prints and footprints and i took baby Jqackson home to have a burial , Personally It hasn't gotten harder or easier it just is , Its funny because today i actually opened Jacksons box and looked through the photos and hand/foot prints , she would be four this year :).
I feel like i said my goodbyes and grieved our child now I look at my boys and I am so thankful for them .

I think that it is terrible the hospital didnt allow you to say goodbye it should ALWAYS be up to you , it is an important part of the grieveing process and they had no right to refuse you , you could just hold a little remembrance or have your own little ceremony to say goodbye , write a letter and light a candle or write some wishes for your child passed on some helium ballons and release them .

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[deleted account]

wow...mary that is beautiful and I am crying as well. right now I sit downstairs listening to the monitor while my twins sleep. about 7 yrs ago I experienced a molar pregnancy. very rare placental pregnancy 'disease' kind of thing. Usually they d&c and monitor and done. rarely cancer. for me cancer. yes, from this pregnancy. did an easy form of chemo which didn't take. again, rare. did full out chemo and the cancer did not spread so i knew I was ok as it is one of the few pretty much curable cancers. anyway, I was grieiving the loss of my baby, doing chemo, and living overseas in italy (NOT speaking Italian, my husband is from there). the chemo killed the eggs I had left and long journey and many heartaches later we have b/g one yr twins thanks to the help of a wonderful anonymous egg donor (yes I carried).

so...I do think time does help. for me at least. maybe because I was in such a one after the other of shocks and stuff to deal with (other stuff unrelated life brings us junk). but for me time did help. I know for others it has helped but the loss is still felt. I guess I am ok about it because it was part of the path that brought me to my babies now and I wouldn't change a thing. well, I would but I guess you all know what I mean. If I hadn't gone through that I would not have had these exact children that I have now and I am so grateful for that.

Hannah, I am happy to see that you are a mom and do have a child to love. I know the two issues are separate and that loving one child does not change a woman's need to grieve the loss of another. I am so sorry you were treated so poorly in the hospital.

And to Mary...wow. that really was beautiful. I think I've just had a tiny little spot inside me heal that I didn't even know needed to be healed.
thank you.

Dana - posted on 11/21/2010

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Mary, I too thank you. My one comfort has always been that I held my little one safely and he/she was never alone.



I wanted to share something from my fb status from a while back.



October

15th is Stillbirth/Miscarriage awareness day. There is NOTHING more

terrible than losing a child, I pray no one would go through a

stillbirth or miscarriage. On this October 15th, don't forget to wear Light blue or

light Pink to show your support to us "Parents of Angels".



Julie ***** I've never heard of this. My daughter's birthday was today.

October 14 at 8:20pm



Dana Schenk Aw, Julie, just coming back to this post every time someone "likes" it breaks my heart a little, your comment breaks it completely. I hope you're doing okay today. ♥ My pregnancy didn't get nearly as far along as yours and it's heart breaking every day still.

October 14 at 8:24pm



Julie ***** As far as I can tell, the hurt never goes away. Some days the hurts is a little less, some days it is a little more, and some days it is just unbearable.

October 14 at 8:37pm



Dana Schenk I'm right there with you. Isn't this the club that no one wants to join....I think I've heard that before...

October 14 at 8:39pm



Julie ****** I was thinking last night, to lose a baby during pregnancy is equally heart breaking no matter how far along. As soon as we know we are pregnant, we start making plans. We think of upcoming events and how pregnant we will be or how old the baby will be at them. Then, when you lose the baby, all of that changes. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child. I wish it would never happen to anyone ever again.

October 15 at 8:14am











So I think it's hard for anyone no matter how far along they've gotten. I spent months and months trying to get pregnant and only got a short 3 months with my child. It's heart breaking to have that ripped away from you. It's now been 5 1/2 months and it's still just as hard.

Charlie - posted on 11/21/2010

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Mary ,

Im actually crying , That was beautiful and really made me feel GOOD about my little one , THANK YOU , I really cannot express how you made me feel in that moment I read your post , It's like your words cleansed the very last of any doubts or guilt I had about my miscarriage away, thank you , thank you , thank you ♥

~Jennifer - posted on 11/21/2010

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Mary,

You're one of the few people I know that can make me smile while I'm crying.
What you said is wonderful. Thank you for that.

[deleted account]

I had 3 early pregnancy miscarriages, so I cannot compare myself to other women who had to deliver a stillborn. My heart and love goes out to you. If you want to send me a private message, I can put you in touch with a very special friend of mine who lost her son at 26 weeks due to an umbilical cord problem, and then delivered a Trisomy 13 stillborn baby girl at 30 weeks. She has commiited herself to helping others through grief through her artwork, and she does stunning work in the name of pregnancy loss and grief. She has no living babies, but I still view her as a mother. She keeps a FB page that continues to grow and thrive.



As for me, even though those 3 early miscarriages made me feel numb, for me time did heal. I refused to allow myself to get attached to subsequent pregnancies and felt a sense of disconnect. it was not until my 4th pregnancy with my son, that I actually started to allow myself to be pregnant around 5 months. In fact, I hid my pregnancy from my co-workers becasue I was waiting for something to happen.

Stifler's - posted on 11/20/2010

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I think you can never forget it or be completely over it only accept that it's happened and that you have to move on.

Joanna - posted on 11/20/2010

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You ladies are all so strong for having dealt with these losses. I can't even imagine. I had a great friend (at one time my best) have a stillborn when she was 32 weeks pregnant, and it turned her life upside down... it's why she's not even a friend anymore, because she just spiraled and turned to drugs and kind of dropped off the face of the earth pretty much. I don't know what it's like but I can imagine it's got to be the worst feeling in the world to lose a child, I think it's every mothers biggest fear. And I imagine the further along you are the more you bond with your baby, so I Can see how it'd be harder. The loss of any life is tough and the strength to go on is very admirable. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my 2 girls - to me a misscarriage/stillbirth would be just the same as losing living children.

[deleted account]

Hugs all around.

I'm not sure the third option, letting the baby pass, is much easier than the D&C or induction. D&C was not an option for me because of the placement of the miscarriage inside the uterus. I passed the baby...for three months. Day in and day out I saw the blood and occasionally bits of tissue passing into the toilet.

Kati, my miscarriage was a blighted ovum and I had the same feelings about, "what if I'm passing a real baby?" I wouldn't currently be pregnant if the miscarriage had been a healthy baby instead. I'd have a one month old and not be 5 months pregnant. So many different feelings about that...grief for the potential baby I lost, guilt for feeling that grief now that I have a healthy baby, happiness everytime I feel the baby move inside of me...

Rosie - posted on 11/20/2010

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even though i still have those thoughts of "what if it was still alive" i logically know that after all the ultrasounds and blood tests that it couldn't of been wrong. i have faith in these same people to trust them enough with my other pregnancies, i need to trust what they said about my other baby. if i let my mind creep there, i HAVE to think of just that. i trust them with my other children, i have to trust them with their diagnosis of that child. it's very unhealthy if i dwell on it.

Hannah - posted on 11/20/2010

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@Kati,

After the ultrasound we went straight back to my obgyn...I will never forget the look on my dr's face, what could he have said, except "I'm so sorry" over and over again....And then he told us the option to expel of the baby, and I chose to have an induction because I had heard that a d&c is horrible...But the induction was horrible too. They give you this tiny chalky little pill called cytotec that looks like tylenol, you can take it orally or vaginally....Taking it orally apparently makes you feel sick so I took the other route. I remember the nurse asked if I wanted her to insert the pill and of course I said no....It was really hard doing it myself, I had those thoughts in the back of my mind, not wanting to believe that he really had died, and I thought what if he comes out and he is alright? I just sat in the bathroom and cried, and it took me a few minutes to insert the pill because there was no turning back at that point....And I still did not want to give up hope. I said Im so sorry baby....

Rosie - posted on 11/20/2010

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i have had 2 early miscarriages and it took sooooo much time to recover from the first one. i was only 5-6 weeks along and had only known for 5 days. all the dreams i had for my baby just were gone in the blink of an eye. this was 11 years ago, and just writing about it going through the feelings again has made me cry. it never fully goes away, but it does get easier-with time.
my second was about 10 months later and it was a blighted ovum. i was 9 weeks along. i was showing (i show super early) i was almost to the point where i was feeling confident that i wasn't going to lose the baby, and bam, i started spotting and cramping. i went in they couldn't find a heartbeat. there was a sac, and placenta, but no baby. they waited 5 days to see if things would change, maybe my dates were wrong...but nope, still no heartbeat. i had to have a d&c. it was the absolute most horrifying thing i've gone through, mentally and somewhat physically. i still question whether or not there was no baby there- i should've given it more time- what if i just basically aborted my baby?? and the actual procedure itself-lets just say i recommend being knocked out to anybody that has to go through that.
i also got pregnant again before i had even had my period after that miscarriage, and now i have my eldest son grant. he wouldn't be here if i hadn't lost that other baby, so i don't know what to think about that. it's very bittersweet.
i wasn't married with either of my misscarriages so i don't have their fathers in my life to grieve with me about our loss. in fact i'm sure the last ones dad was pretty happy i lost it, not so happy i managed to bring his son full term into the world-which has it's own other types of feelings to go along with it. nobody to grieve with is hard for me. i'm constantly wondering what jerry (my first ones father) is doing, and if he ever thinks of our child. i wish we would've had more time together before he left. there's definitely unresolved things there.
i just try to go on, forge through everyday, and make sure i remind myself that my children that i have now are that much more special to me because of my loss. i focus my energy on them. i'm sorry for your loss hannah!! i hope things get easier for you soon!! :)

Bonnie - posted on 11/20/2010

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I have never dealt with a miscarriage personally so it is difficult for me to really give an opinion, but I truly can't imagine what you have gone through and continue to go through. No one should have to go through that. My cousin, had a baby boy whom she gave birth to. He only lived 8 hours then turned blue and died. They had him burried.

ME - posted on 11/20/2010

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Ladies who've shared their stories of loss, my heart breaks for all of you. I have not lost a baby during pregnancy, but in 2007 my younger sister lost my nephew at 26 weeks. She had a placental abrubtion, and the army hosptial screwed up big time over and over...if not causing the eventual loss of the baby, then at least traumatizing my sister and her husband more than is humanly imaginable...My sister and her husband were totally devastated. They had just finished setting up James' bedroom (they weren't sure that my bro in law would be home to do it later as his unit was getting ready to deploy in late summer). They had to go home with no baby and take apart his room (even now, I break down when I think of how hard that must have been). I found out a few weeks later that I was pregnant with our first child...if it's possible, my pregnancy made her loss seem much worse, and the fact that I had a healthy baby boy was even harder...It continues to be very hard for her over three years later...She did get to hold the baby, she has pictures, she has his footprints, and a beautiful little rememberence from the hospital....Since she is unlikely to ever have a healty successful pregnancy, none of this seems to help her. I've known many women who lost babies earlier in a pregnancy (by 10 weeks), and while it NEVER seems easy, I think they have all been able to accept their losses in a way that my sister cannot. We have held memorial services each year on the anniversary of his passing; reading "letters" to James and releasing balloons. It's something that I hope will eventually allow her to find some peace...The same thing I wish for all mothers who've lost children...

Sal - posted on 11/20/2010

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hannah, i haven't had a loss but wanted to let you know that having carried 3 babies (and as you have carried your little boy) you don;t meet your baby when they are born, you meet them when they inside you growing, as are feeling your heart beat and that love is there from the moment you findout you are pregnant..you may not of got to hold him (and from talking to peope who have lost babies i know this is very important) but you did get to love him, and he would of felt that. i listened to an interview with a mum who had a still birth, she was so strong and wise i was in tears and i know she said that they still celebrated birthdays (instead of anniversaries of her passing) for her baby and and that helped her family making it a celebration of joy she was to them, instead of the grief that was associated with her and yes it was a joy (at first i found that thought difficult) as the planning her birth, the joy of making a new life were still there even though it went tragically wrong. i don't know her name to find the interview but she works for a still birth australia oranisation and was insperational if you feel like doing some reasearch.

Becky - posted on 11/19/2010

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I have never experienced the loss of a child, but it is my worst fear. I'm sorry you were not able to say goodbye to your little boy.

[deleted account]

Hannah, I get that feeling sometimes when I look at my son.... since w/out my last miscarriage I wouldn't have had him. It's a weird happy/sad/wondering combo feeling.

[deleted account]

I'm so sorry for your loss Hannah. I've miscarried 4 times and in my experience it does get easier to deal with as time goes on. The first time I was pregnant, I was sooo excited, as many first time moms to be are. A few days after confirming that I definitely was pregnant, I was shopping with my then boyfriend at Wal Mart. Of course, we took a long, leisurely stroll through the baby section. I found this cute little soft, snuggly teddy bear and bought it, thinking how cool it was that I had just bought my baby his/her first "thing". I miscarried at 6 weeks. I took the bear and all of my prenatal paperwork and put it in a shoebox in my closet. The second time I was pregnant, I did something similar only that time it was a rattle I bought. I miscarried the second time at 8 weeks. A year later, another miscarriage, only that time I hadn't bought anything for the baby. Then I had my son and let me tell you, until I was past the 12 week mark, I just didn't believe it was real. I miscarried again last year, on my birthday. It never goes completely away but I promise you it does get easier.

Hannah - posted on 11/19/2010

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Thank you all so much for your positive responses. I thought for sure I would get my neck wrung as I know that some people would think that no matter what stage you lose your baby its hard...and it is hard im not saying it isnt, just that it is harder if you know what i mean ;)

[deleted account]

*Hugs* Hannah

I'm so sorry.

I had a miscarriage called a blighted ovum. Basically a non-fertilized egg grows and it mimics pregnancy. There is no baby. But the egg will pass like a miscarriage. This happened 10 months ago. I still think about it. I cried last week. I couldn't imagine losing a baby so far along into the pregnancy. I kept my ultrasounds from that "pregnancy" and think about the baby that could have been. I'm glad you have the box. I don't think these things get easier, and it's okay to feel sad about it.

[deleted account]

Ah right. Loureen has some lovely ideas for rememberance too!

That's good news that your son is healthy, I know when I had my amnio they said the tests weren't 100% accurate. Our results were negative and Logan didn't have a genetic disease.

Charlie - posted on 11/19/2010

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It is absolutely normal and if you feel like crying you should cry , i still do , i did this morning !

Hannah - posted on 11/19/2010

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Well, the hospital did offer grief councelling but only for the first year after you lose your baby....I never went because I got through on my own and I had a lot of support from my friends and people at my church.

I don't think about it all the time but there are days when i just cry which is normal I think....but it hurts the most when i look at my now seven month old son...and think that if Id never had that missed miscarriage i never would have known my son who is amazingly healthy, even after i tested positve through blood tests for down sydrome...

[deleted account]

=[ Even just thinking to myself about never having the chance to meet my son just brings a tear to my eye.

The wooden box sounds lovely and whilst you's never had the chance to meet him, I'm sure he's looking down on you both. I'm not religious but I do believe in angels and your son is one. He will always be in your hearts and no one can take that away. Have you considered seeing a grief counsellor?

Hannah - posted on 11/19/2010

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@ Jennifer - You're right I think, I've never been able to grieve properly. I do have a wooden box which looks like a book that the hospital gives you, and its got his ultrasound pics, pt's, and a coupel of other things...the hospital did take pictures of his feet and hands, because taking his foot and hand prints didnt print so well, still I never got to meet him :(

Hannah - posted on 11/19/2010

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@ Kate - Thank You :)

Worst thing is too, I felt the baby move the week before I found out I lost the baby...I know it sounds really strange but the only way I can describe the feeling of the baby was that it was crawling, like a bug or something...like it was trying to get out...eek

[deleted account]

=[ It must be really hard. I know my friend's mum just had a private burial with just the family, and a tree planted in the hospitals gardens.

It sounds in a way as though you've never really had the chance to grieve, or a chance to say goodbye properly. You could possibly do something in his memory which may help you somewhat. Possibly each year on the day it happened write a letter addressed to him, talking about whatever you want and just keep them in a box. I can understand that that too would be upsetting though and to some it would seem like a totally silly idea.

Hannah - posted on 11/19/2010

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@Teresa, I totally regret not saying anything now...but I was jus too terrified of what I would see and also I wish I would have asked them to wrap him and let me hold him...

@Jennifer...We were asked about a funeral but it was so hard on us, i dont think we could have dealt with it...where i live, they take the baby and do an autopsy and then do a "mass" cremation with other babies that dont make it passed the womb. again that would have been too hard on us...i finally managed to get the courage to go to the cemetary where he is buried and I only went once, hubby didnt want to go and so i went with my best friend from high school....I couldnt go back again...it just broke my heart :(

[deleted account]

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I've never had a miscarriage but I can imagine the later it occurs the harder it will be as you've had time to grow more connected to the baby. My friend's mam had two miscarriages in succession both around 24 weeks. She went on to have a healthy baby girl. Both of her babies have been buried properly.

Kate CP - posted on 11/19/2010

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I don't think either one is easier to deal with...I've never been through either and my heart breaks for you and any mother who has to go through that. *hugs*

[deleted account]

As I've only had 2 early miscarriages I can't say from personal experience, but I definitely think that the more time you've had to grow attached.... the harder.

I can't believe the nurses wouldn't allow you to see your baby though. I think THAT would tick me off more than anything when losing a child of an older gestation. :(

Lacye - posted on 11/19/2010

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i'm so sorry for your loss! i've had a miscarriage before and it does ease with time but it will always be in your mind. my heart goes out to you in this time of need. stay strong! from what i've seen on here you are a strong wonderful person and it will be hard but your pain will ease eventually.

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