Make him wait 90 days??

Erin - posted on 06/12/2011 ( 111 moms have responded )

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I just watched an episode of Dr Phil, where Steve Harvey was talking about his book. In it he suggests women looking for long-term relationships should make the man wait 90 days for sex. They conducted a poll and 86% of people thought this was reasonable.

I'll be honest, I don't know ANYONE in real life (apart from in high school) who dated for that long without having sex. And really, why is 90 days the magic number? Does that mean if you give it up after 40, 60 or 80 days, you are dooming the relationship to failure?

So I'm wondering how everyone responds to this theory, and I will point out again that this is specifically relating to women wanting committed relationships (rather than something more casual).

Thoughts?

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Charlie - posted on 06/13/2011

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The problem IMO is some women and men can't seperate sex from love ........



Who's to say some people even want a relationship ?

Maybe they are just having fun , having great sex with a person who knows how to rock them properly , who is to say that having sex means you can't get to know them too and that it may just turn into a relationship .



And there is nothing wrong with safe , no strings fun or with it developing into something more .



The problem is when one party mistakes sex for love .

Another problem is taking something SO seriously it ruins the fun of the first few days .



If you know you fall hard for people perhaps witholding sex is a good idea for you as long as the partner is on board but otherwise why do people have to be so serious , why can't it all just come naturally ? next we are going to have to interview guys with a checklist so we don't fuck up our choice !

Lissa - posted on 06/13/2011

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If a man believes you are cheap because you slept with him early on that says more about him then the woman. Sex should never be used in manipulation, whatever your choice it should be mutual.

JuLeah - posted on 06/13/2011

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I think it is a good idea. I mean if you want .... a weekend, then the 90 day thing is not needed. Have a fun weekend.



But, yes, if you want a long term relationship, waiting is important.



I know SO many couples that hooked up fast and 6 months later say things like, "He's changed" or "She is different then when we met"



No, the person has not changed, you are actually getting to know them.



I have read studies about brain function, when you are interested/attracted to someone. The part of your brain stimulated, the part of your brain most in use is the same part of your brain stimulated and used when you drink or snort coke.



Making choices that impact your future from that part of your brain just doesn't seem wise to me.



I hear folks talk about how nice this person is, how honest, how good, how trustworthy ..... and I think, "You have had ONE date! How could you know that????"



Well, they don't know that. They want that to be true and are thinking magically from a small part of their brain.



How does this person deal when you are sick? How does this person deal when things don't go their way, when the air plane is delayed, when they don't get the job, when they have to wait for something they want, when being honest is hard but the right thing to do, when untangling holiday lights .... who is this person around your friends, around their friends .... these are very important questions that only time will answer, so 90 days ... yah, good idea.



Unless a weekend is all you want and there is a place in everyone’s life for that ....

Elizabeth - posted on 06/13/2011

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I'm curious. How many of you have had bad relationships before finding the right person? How many of those people have you had sex with? You only get a glimpse of the whole person when you first start dating. It takes a couple of months to really get to know someone. If you are looking for a long term relationship, what is the harm in waiting. (other than sexual frustration) I was in more than one relationship that I think that if I had waited the 90 days, I would have backed out of before the 90 days was up. I think it is wise to wait. That is IF you are looking for a long term relationship. Otherwise if your just looking for something to get by on, go for it whenever you're ready.

[deleted account]

Meh. I was a virgin when I got married. So was my husband. So we waited longer than 90 days obviously. It was more like 386 days from the time we met to the time we did it...which was also our wedding day. He wasn't my first real boyfriend either...I'd had 3 semi-serious to serious boyfriends before him. However, I do understand that I'm not typical.

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I dont think they mean that having sex sooner will doom the relationship. I think they are saying if you aren't sure and want to test him then see if he is still around after 90 days.

Stifler's - posted on 06/16/2011

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I agree. I like how women are a slut for sleeping with 2 guys or soemthing but when it's men they have to have slept with about 50 people to be considered a manwhore.

[deleted account]

Well, therein lies the problem! That one little word that makes girls and women search for Mr. Right instead of searching for happiness and a fulfilling life. Slut.

There aren't many words I dislike, but that is one I absolutely abhor. It is truly a four letter word that has been given too much power and has oppressed too many people. I hate very little, but I hate the word slut.

When the neighbour's daughter was 18 and came to live with us for a few months after being kicked out of home, I had several long talks with her about why she had tried to commit suicide about a month prior. That's how I came to meet her... Her little brother ran over to our house one night begging me to help him because his sister collapsed, he couldn't wake her and their mother was out. I went over and rang for an ambulance because she had overdosed on pills. The reason she had done it was because her boyfriend (her first) had broken up with her and she had gone so far as to do everything but intercourse with him. No big deal, except she said she had only wanted one boyfriend because she didn't want to be a slut. What?! Essentially, her fear of being a slut made her want to die! Sure, she's feeble minded, but that word holds people's lives to ransom.

I guess I'm a slut. Well, former slut.I couldn't tell you off the top of my head how many men I've slept with. Oh wait, I've slept with about 6. Don't ask me how many I've fucked though. Why is it that I would have been considered a slut (derogatory), yet if I were a man I'd be a stud (congratulatory).

I believe this one word, slut, is the reason this yahoo can sell the idea of "wait 90 days". Screw that! I say enjoy life (and sex), be happy and whatever happens happens.

[deleted account]

I also think age and maturity plays into this. After all, what 15 or 16 year old is really waiting 90 days?! Hell, a teen relationship is done & over in 60 days! Now I have to say that my old high school boyfriend & I dated 2 1/2 years. We waited until about a good year to have sex. But we were both on the mature end and had a long-lasting relationship in a high school setting. Most of the people I went to high school with indulged in casual sex, one-night stands, or sex pretty quickly after dating. Now when I went off to college, I lowered my standards, but I wasn;t a slut and didn't sleep around. Just didn;t wait as long as I did in high school. Then I met my future husband, and well that feeling came right back to me again. We didn;t have to wait, but it just turned out that way. We must be doing something right cause that was almost 18 years ago and we're still together compared to so many divorced people we know, or people who have been unfaithful to each other!

Jenni - posted on 06/16/2011

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I waited a year with my first serious boyfriend. Mind you, I was a virgin. We were together a total of 4 years and it wasn't until we lived together for the last year that I found out he was a serial cheater. We were planning our wedding at the time but I had been oblivious to his infedilities the entire relationship. The sneaky cheatin' bastard.



This theory is not sound at all IMO! Chances are you're not really going to know if the guy is a jerk or not after 3 months it can be pretty easy to be on your best behaviour for 3 months. Unless he is a complete douche which would probably only take me a week or a single date to figure out now that I'm older and more experienced. lol

Amy - posted on 06/16/2011

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I met my husband. And we didn't hold hands or even kiss until 3 months later. 8 months later into the relationship after we got engaged is when we had sex. So, I don't see anything wrong with 90 days for sex. I'd think you would want to know the person and have some trust established before doing soemthing so intimate. There's way more to a relationship than sex.

Jenni - posted on 06/16/2011

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"Good Things come to those "WHO WAIT!"

My husband came to me and we didn't wait. *blush* ;)

Patricia - posted on 06/16/2011

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From my personal experience....it truly is BEST to wait at least 30 days....if not 90 days! Reson being is this...." Sex can draw a person into an intimate type of "I Think I Love You" kinda sorta....Soooo when entering into a sexual committment think about this first...." How much do I really know about this person...How can you make "LOVE" to someone....that you just met and can't really be "In Love" with? It also depends on....whether or not you want a "Bootie Call" or a Lifetime committment? If Bootie Call is all youre searching for....then it doesnt matter WHEN you have sex with someone you just met....the LONGER you wait and hold out....the more and more you eventually learn about that person....It's always good to wait! "Good Things come to those "WHO WAIT!"

[deleted account]

Laverne, I wash new clothes first too, but I also try them on before buying them.

Jakki, the reason you think like that is because your a heathen Australian too. :-) and living in Byron, you're more heathen than the rest of us (in a good way)!

Happy - posted on 06/15/2011

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Jakki, I so despise that arguement. Would you buy a car without driving it? Well no, but I'm not a car. I don't even wear clothes that I buy brand new with out washing them first. Why would I want to have sex with someone that has been ridden (pun intended) by every person on the block. But that's just me.

Stifler's - posted on 06/15/2011

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It's really sad lol. I was pregnant when we got married though and he's all I'LL HURT THE BABY and now I've had the baby it's "NO until the doctor says it's okay". Being pregnant and having kids really has messed with my life lol

Jakki - posted on 06/15/2011

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I am really startled to hear that there are people out there that do not have sex before marriage. Not saying it's wrong, but just that I don't know anybody who would be a virgin when they got married.

To me, it would be like buying a car on faith, without driving it around the block!

Amber - posted on 06/15/2011

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Dr. Phil had his license revoked for an inappropriate relationship with a 19year old female client....Ya, I don't put stock in what he has to say about anything. Especially when it comes to sexual relationships or marriage....seems like getting advice from the wrong person.

Elfrieda - posted on 06/15/2011

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Sure, 90 days seems good. Or you could wait until you're married. That's what I did.
If you get involved physically, it sort of blinds you to faults in your partner. Better to somewhat rationally pick a good guy whom you admire as a person, and THEN get all swoony.

[deleted account]

Well I stopped watching Dr. Phill years ago. Every now and then I'll catch something oif interest. Oprah...haven't watched her since college! She annoys the crap out of me!

So....I didn;t get a chance to read through every response, just glanced through some of the replies. I'll share my story though. A lot of people honestly are floored, but hey...we've lasted 18 years now!

Hubby & I were truly "Friends before lovers" when we started to date in May, 1993. He was a virgin at the ripe old age of 21. I was 20, and not a virgin. We really liked each other and yes, there was sexual tension. We took care of ourelves in every way possible-except for full intercourse. But we were not in such a rush to bang each other. It would happen when it was the right time. And by Septemeber, 1993-we finally took our relationship to the next level. So you can do the math, and yes it just happened that we waited more than 90 days. It felt right for us and people seem to be shocked and amazed. I don't get it-but then again I don't get alot of things. But what I do know is that I am glad we held to that mantra of "friends before lovers" becasue it helped us grow as a couple.

I guess to each their own-some people enjoy casual sex, no strings attached. I see it as a hug health risk, but hey, they are constenting adults. For me, we waited and it was the best for us.

[deleted account]

Or blatantly self congratulatory... Like the time she gave away all those cars. I heard most of those people gave the, back. In the US, you can be given a car, but you still have to pay taxes, rego and insurance on it and in the show most of thoe people in the audience were hard up financially, so they got the car home, then the bill came and they couldn't pay it so they gave the car back. But Oprah got her mileage out of the stunt.



And her whole Australian trip for her audience. What a load of rubbish! She didn't friggin' pay for shit. WE did! Did you hear how much taxpayer money she took home with her?!

Stifler's - posted on 06/14/2011

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Oprah annoys me, her show is ALWAYS depressing. Either depressing or promoting something inconspicuously. More depressing than Dr. Phil.

[deleted account]

Johnny, I don't like Oprah either. Dr. Phil can be annoying, but I find his guests to be more annoying because they seem to lack common sense. But, what I do like is that at least he seems to want to help people, whereas Oprah just exploits the story. While she's opened the doors to a few issues, there's no real help given.

Stifler's - posted on 06/14/2011

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HAHAH I think YALLS have a problem. Stop dawgin each other out here!

Charlie - posted on 06/14/2011

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* In the slowest drawl * " this aint my first rodeo"
That annoys me .

Johnny - posted on 06/14/2011

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He actually really really annoys me. But then I don't like Oprah either *ducks* However, I do generally have to agree with his advice. But then, he's usually just reminding people of stuff they really should already know or do already know but are either too scared, too dumb, too overwhelmed, or too warped to figure out on their own. Like Donna said, the common sense answer. Doesn't stop him from being obnoxiously annoying though.

[deleted account]

Erin, that's right. No one can always be right, but I do think Emma has a point. A lot of the time he comes with solutions for people that are the same as I would give... just because it's the common sense answer.

Stifler's - posted on 06/14/2011

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Dr. Phil hardly needs to use any psychology on the people on his show though. They just lack common sense most of the time.

Erin - posted on 06/14/2011

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Yeah Dr Phil has a PhD in Psychology. He was a practising Clinical Psychologist for a lot of years before he joined forced with Oprah. That doesn't mean his advice is always correct (just as any other doctor), but he is qualified.

[deleted account]

I thought Dr. Phil was a doctor (of psychology), but it doesn't really matter. Oprah wasn't a doctor either. I've always liked Dr. Phil (well, a lot of the time anyway) because he is pretty straight forward and doesn't beat about the bush, even if he's got something not very nice to say to someone. As for the whole sex before marriage thing, he would be biased because he is a religious man.

Chasity - posted on 06/14/2011

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yep neither one of them are "REAL DOCTORS" LmAo I want to go on a talk show and flap my mouth about any old subject.

[deleted account]

As for the 'what if you wait and then don't click' questions...here is my personal experience.



We both waited until we got married. We were each others' first and only. We had nothing to compare the sex to...so it was pretty darn good. NOW I look back and think how bad it was. But I didn't know better then. Over the years we've learned together what we like. It just keeps getting better. I'm sure in another six years it will be even better.

Lady Heather - posted on 06/14/2011

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I'm sure that happens plenty Jennifer. That's why the whole thing is really silly. You don't necessarily *know* someone in three months. I suppose some might argue you can't really be sure you know everything about someone ever.

But three months does seem pretty arbitrary. Oh, he made it 90 days. Obviously he's a decent guy. Meanwhile he's been paying for cheap prostitutes the whole time. Ha.

Jenni - posted on 06/14/2011

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Teresa, you are a saint! lol I don't think *I* would be so sane after 3.5 years and I can't guarentee I wouldn't spontaneously combust. ;)



There's another flaw to this theory. Let's pretend the guy is just after sex and the woman is looking for something serious. Who's to say he can't fool her by pretending to be exclusively with her. Maybe he has Debbie on tuesday, Marsha on friday and isn't exactly going without himself. Maybe he enjoys the thrill of the chase and isn't going without anyways so doesn't mind the foot work.

Amber - posted on 06/14/2011

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I waited 2 dates :) I stayed the night on the first date, but told him to go to sleep lol I was exhausted from running around all day and didn't want to have sleepy, half-into it sex...so it had nothing to do with waiting to be "sure", it had to do with waiting so that I had plenty of energy for the first time. We'd known each other for almost a year and been friends before deciding to date.



We've been together going on 6 years now...still not married yet (but planning). So, if I waited until marraige, I'd be screwed!...No, I'd be NOT screwed, and I'd probably be a bigger bitch than people already think I am.



And it's definitely harder to wait after you're no longer a virgin! The first guy I slept with (at 15), waited almost a year before I said yes! It wasn't that difficult to wait a year back then, I had NO idea what I was missing. After saying yes, I never heard from him again, he was cheating but stuck it out because his friends didn't think he could "bag the popular girl". So, waiting doesn't always work out so well. He was the wolf in sheeps clothing.

[deleted account]

All I know is that I've had some incredibly awesome sex, some absolutely horrid sex, and a lot of ok sex.... and I've only ever been w/ one person.

I've also been a 'virgin' for 3.5 years and haven't exploded or gone insane. ;)

Jenni - posted on 06/14/2011

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PS: I am soo weak-willed when it comes to sex. What can I say? I'm a horn-ball. Even if I *wanted* to wait 90 days I'd probably become really bitchy having to wait that long and scare him off anyways. :P

Jenni - posted on 06/14/2011

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Most of my relationships began as casual sex. I just don't start 'seeing' a guy with some preconceived notion that the relationship may turn serious. If the guy is just in it for sex, then likely, so am I. If things bloom into something more serious, it will happen regardless of waiting 90 days or not waiting at all.

I guess it all depends on the woman and what her goals are.

I find it quite a blanket statement to make that all women are just after one thing. ;)

Just like it is to assume all men are.

[deleted account]

I must be zombified too, because I got what you're saying, Loureen. But, I can also understand what Dana's saying, because A LOT of girls can't separate love and sex. They go all gooey after the big O and it's suddenly "he lurves me!" instead of "wow, that was hot!"

I don't get the looking for Mr. Right either, because I don't think women NEED a Mr. Right. But many don't think the same way, and many of those can't separate love and sex. Many are also serial monogamists. They need to forget about finding a man and should concentrate on finding happiness. They might find their Mr. Right in the process.

But what do I know? I'm still of the mindset that women should be having sex like men.

P. S. If you wait 90 days and he's a dud, or your duds together... Does it mean you've just wasted 3 months of your life, or is having a dud sex life okay?

Charlie - posted on 06/14/2011

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Ok I am zombified and not making sense and most likely not understanding much LOL time for bed .

Charlie - posted on 06/14/2011

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Ok so if you are actively looking for a long term partner what if you wait 90 days and he is a dud or to be fair as a couple your both duds or "meant to be friends " ?

I know during sex oxytocin , endorphins and vassosprin ( something or other ) are released but what if ( like breastfeeding when similar chemicals are released ) they just dont affect you as much as you would have imagined , you know when a mother gets the oxytocin "high" ? and you know when a mother struggles to form that bond through the chemical release ? what if it is the same .

Im not saying dump him or that everyone should have sex on the first date I guess ( and I know I am not making sense LOL)
what I am saying is why do we have to overcomplicate things ? why cant we just go with the flow and if it happens it happens , if it doesnt it doesnt .


I guess I can't really relate to the whole "looking for love" thing , I dont think I ever was actively looking I can only really relate to what I know and that at the time ( when I met J ) was have fun with this awesome guy and have great sex while getting to know him , who knew that guy I pashed on the dancefloor would turn out to be my soulmate :D

Dana - posted on 06/14/2011

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Yes, there have been studies that show your brain has a (lasting) chemical reaction to sex, which makes your judgement "off". It effects everyone actually, regardless of if you're looking for a relationship or not.

Charlie - posted on 06/14/2011

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"But, if you do think you want a relationship with that person then you are going to ignore those red flags that you'd normally notice."

Because of sex ?

Dana - posted on 06/14/2011

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Loureen, that's very true in some cases where you are just having fun and not looking for a relationship. But, if you do think you want a relationship with that person then you are going to ignore those red flags that you'd normally notice. It has nothing to do with love or thinking you're falling in love. It's just a natural reaction of your brain, no matter who you are and what you think you want.

Merry - posted on 06/14/2011

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Rebecca you have a good point, while matt waited years for our first time just fine, this 6 weeks of abstinence after our baby is like torture to him, he is grumpy and all over me! And we've even been doing everything except real sex and that still isn't satisfying his needs. He's also 23 and so in his 'peak' sexually, but making him wait three months at this point would just turn him into a monster!

[deleted account]

I think sometimes sex interferes with your rationality, both having it and not having it.

My husband and I were friends before we started a relationship (he had been involved with someone else long-term -- and no, I didn't break them up!), so we didn't have sex until we had known each other for almost two years. I think it was good to get to know each other like this, especially since I was only 19 and young and overly emotional, and he was quite a bit older.

On the other hand, I have a friend who became a born-again virgin when she got "saved" at college. She met her husband through church and had a storybook (but brief) courtship. He was a virgin on their wedding night. They had a lousy sex life and were ill-suited in almost every way -- they divorced a few years later.

Oh well. Sex is just one of the many ways we can screw up our lives. Rules won't make a difference.

Stephanie - posted on 06/13/2011

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When I was younger I didn't really put up boundaries for how long to wait for sex in a relationship. If it happened it happened. However with my current hubby, I waited about 2 months, way longer than I have for any of the others. I don't know why I did it, but I did. I am now in my longest relationship yet, and will be married to said Hubby in a few more weeks with baby number 2 on the way :). I would say the wait was well worth it. I know 2 months isn't long for most people, but it was long for me. I suppose maybe it is at your discretion. Set a boundary for yourself that is longer than what you normally would wait, and in the end it may just pay off, like it did for me :)

Jaime - posted on 06/13/2011

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Some people don't believe in sex before marriage, but I don't believe in marriage before sex :P

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