'Me Time'

Erin - posted on 11/21/2009 ( 52 moms have responded )

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I've been following a thread on the main page where a young single mother has asked whether she's a bad mother for going out clubbing and drinking every weekend, and am AMAZED at the number of women defending that choice with the 'we all need some me-time' excuse.

I'm sorry, but young or old, single or married, once you have children you lose the luxury of going out every weekend and drinking yourself stupid. Those are the things you do BEFORE you have babies, and if you don't get a chance to because you're too young, well that's just a bit of bad luck!! Children aren't a weekday-only prospect. You don't get to clock off on a Friday afternoon and palm them off to the nearest available relative so you can 'unwind'. Occasional nights away from the kids is one thing (I've been away from my 9.5mth old 3 times and each time she has stayed with my mother), but living it up every weekend and treating your children like a Monday to Friday job is just not on as far as I'm concerned.

Yes, we all need a break sometimes. And of course we should try not to lose touch with our friends, but drinking and clubbing is not the only way to take that break! Now I am not a prude by any means. I've had my time in the sun. I partied hard in my early 20s. But that phase of my life came to an abrupt end when I found out I was pregnant.

So is the 'me-time' excuse a good enough one to justify this sort of behaviour?

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?? - posted on 11/22/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

I think your wrong I know plenty of people who go out on the weekends and they shouldnt be judged for it. Even someone I dislike who is my fiances work mates girl friend she has her 3rd child on the way and she was out every weekend her partner looks after her girls. I think if thats what people want to do thats thier choice even if I wouldnt do it personally, and the people who say they are bad parents are most likely jealous because they are able to do so, and they cant. If you didnt have kids in your teens you cant say you know how these girls feel or put yourself in their position


 



I don't have to have a child  in my teens to know that when you choose to become a mom your priviledge of partying every weekend goes away and it becomes an irresponsible choice rather than a necessity. And I'm talking about partying EVERY weekend - not going out once or twice with the girls.



Saying someone is irresponsible as a parent because they just toss their kid off to some person so they can go get shit faced all weekend, does not mean anyone is jealous - sorry that's just dumb. Saying that someone is a bad parent for making irresponsible choices means that you have a higher standard.



Saying that dropping their kids off every weekend so they can go get shit faced and party with their girls is acceptable is confusing to me; why would irresponsible behavior be acceptable, as a teenage mom or middle aged mom? The specifics really don't matter - being irresponsible is unacceptable and behaving like a spoiled little brat is unacceptable when youare responsible for the well being of a child at home.

Lindsay - posted on 11/22/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

I think your wrong I know plenty of people who go out on the weekends and they shouldnt be judged for it. Even someone I dislike who is my fiances work mates girl friend she has her 3rd child on the way and she was out every weekend her partner looks after her girls. I think if thats what people want to do thats thier choice even if I wouldnt do it personally, and the people who say they are bad parents are most likely jealous because they are able to do so, and they cant. If you didnt have kids in your teens you cant say you know how these girls feel or put yourself in their position



I was 18 when I got pregnant with Madeline so I can put myself in their position. If I wanted to find a sitter for my kids each weekend, I could. I chose to have my children and I am a parent to them, seven days a week. I'm all for a little free time but when it's EVERY weekend to go party, that's extreme.

Stifler's - posted on 08/12/2011

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This is a debate board, she's not dogging this woman just making a debate. I don't recall anyone mentioning names of who wrote this thread or saying they're a bad person.

Mary - posted on 08/12/2011

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Ummm, Stephanie - not sure if you noticed, but the OP is from 2009, so I'd be really amazed if you had "run across" the actual post that prompted this, since that too would have been from almost two years ago.

[deleted account]

Hahahaha 5 years of being a parent, pregnant or breastfeeding in a relationship and now i'm single and once some issues are sorted out i will have every 2nd weekend to myself but the thing is i have no idea how to have fun by myself. I'm learning what to do when i don't have the kids but it's harder then i thought.

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52 Comments

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Tara - posted on 08/12/2011

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somethings don't get better with age... locking this due to the fact it is OLD.

Stifler's - posted on 08/12/2011

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WHY do these debates keep resurfacing from 09 and I think they are new!!!

Jessica - posted on 08/12/2011

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No the post wasn't mine. I am going to cease explaining myself at this point. Whats the point? your all going to tell me that I am wrong because you don't like that I am saying the truth.

.................
"I do not like you" is not a personal attack. It is a statement, because I do not like you.

Jodi - posted on 08/12/2011

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Oh, and I'm pretty sure telling someone you don't like them is a personal attack. Just sayin'. You can say you don't like what they have to say, but saying you don't like them makes it pretty personal.

Jessica - posted on 08/12/2011

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BTW, I ran across her post... she never said every weekend, and she never said all weekend... and her kid is almost two years old, well old enough to have a grandma's night. I don't like you Erin. you created this entire thread just to "dog" this woman? You couldn't just tell her to her face/thread what you think and then leave it at that? DID you even say what you thought? this is appalling. You twisted it, and turned it into something that you knew sounded worse than it was. deplorable.

Stifler's - posted on 08/11/2011

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HAHA Sal. Tara's post makes me jealous but not appalled. I think it depends what age your kids are too. I'm too tired ATM to even think about palming my 2 month old and 18 month old off to mum and dad and going out on the town. But when they are older I probably will want to do more things and get them babysat.

Jessica - posted on 08/11/2011

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I think you have a healthy set up Tara. I kinda wish I had one like that myslef. as is, I just on anything interesting(like a book or a computer) that I like to do(because I grew up having so many hobbies and a lot of time alone, so... my ideal evening away is just different.

Just because we are moms does not mean we stop being who we are. We simply need to balance that and our responsibilities. for me, I enjoy being mom, but the stress gets to me, so my "me time" is different. Spending money would just bring more stress or me. Crowds and places with lots of people, or none at all, make me nervous too. so... a quiet evening reading before bed IS my "me time".

Doing things with your husband is yours Tara. I just think the world takes all kinds and being different isn't bad, but their will always be people who think it is.

Sal - posted on 08/11/2011

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To be honest I am between jealous and appalled right now .it has been far too long since I have had a decent time away from kids and while I have had my best friend here for a few days I would of loved to go shopping or out without them it just wasn't possible but every weekend all weekend is not me time it is bring drinking issues and even if hub is away the impact can last, the money wasted and the few days of hsngerover or tiredness all effects bub

Tara - posted on 08/11/2011

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Ok. Well....
I have 6 kids. The oldest will be 18 a week from today. I was married for 10 years. During that marriage I didn't drink ever. I didn't go out ever.

After being a single working parent and having joint custody and spending my "alone time" really meant *alone* every weekend. (joint custody for us means my ex has them every weekend!) I didn't go out then either! Why? Cause I still had the mind set that as a mom I wasn't supposed to go out on weekends and have a few drinks and cut loose with friends. Hell I didn't know how to do that!

Then I met Steve, we had a lot of fun on weekends until the birth control pill failed. (I wouldn't even have sex until I saw current lab results with an all clear for STDs.) then I was pregnant. No more party friendly weekends for us.

Fast forward to this past January. My mother in law asked to watch Riley for my birthday so we could go out to see a friend's band play. He did wonderfully.

Riley is my mil's only grandson, her only other grandchild lives with her. So....she has asked to have him over pretty much one night every weekend since.
She does this for many reasons.
1. She loves him so much and loves to spoil him rotten.
2. His Papa loves him and he is the only grandson so he also loves to spoil him.
3. Mil knows Steve and didn't have a ton of time together before he was conceived, so she thinks we should still have time to ourselves to enjoy adult time together.
And the other kids are gone for 3 nights.

So on most weekends we have 1 night kid free. Sometimes I get drunk. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes we have crazy wild monkey sex all the day long, sometimes we clean the whole house.
Sometimes we take in a show at the theatre, sometimes Steve plays a gig somewhere.

I don't see why at our age we should feel obligated to be here 24/7 with out child when he clearly has grandparents who love him and want to spend one on one with him.

I don't really see how it's anyone's business what adults do in their spare time, so long as their children are being properly cared for and loved in their absence.

How does me having a few coolies on Saturday nights whilst watching my honey play a gig is taking away from my childrens' well being.

I guess like everything else there are extremes.
Would there be as much of a fuss if said parent was spending this alone time working out to the point of exhaustion? Or spending every dollar on their shopping addiction? Or laying beneath a tanning bed?
We are not just parents and as long as our "adult" activities are not harming our children or placing them in situations where they are not being cared for by other adults who love and care for them just so mom can go get laid and drunk.
Totally different than babe being at gramma and papas while mom and/or dad goes out to have a good time!

Seriously is it really anyone's concern what we as adults do with our "free/me" time? As long as our kids are being willingly cared for by someone we trust?
Really?

Stifler's - posted on 08/11/2011

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No not every weekend but I have gone out a few times since Logan was born on the town and drinking and slept elsewhere than Logan. A few times meaning like 5 in his whole life.



Although I get ALOT of me time when I go home to my parents. They babysit Logan like every night and I go out with friends for dinner. If I lived closer to my parents I probably wouldn't go out all the time though. I leave the kids home with Damo and go shopping whenever I want though or out with other people. I don't go *clubbing* every weekend though. I just like to get away from the kids sometimes and get my hair done, have a normal conversation that doesn't include the sounds of kids crying/whingeing.

Jessica - posted on 08/11/2011

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I think I am a bit odd on this issue. If you only go out one day a week, well I have no problem with that, as long as if you get hung over, you realize that you can't be mad at the loud voices of your kids.

for the record. I have had one "fun" day, and that was in march, since my first was born.... so it has been awhile. I don't drink, and I still get nervous when I need to call someone so I can go to a docs appointment. I just think a day a week is healthy if thats what they need. It may even turn into a "fun" thing for the grandparents. If it's one day, I doubt it is ALL day.

the every weekend, all weekend thing... that one bothers me. However, I can simply be content knowing that I can make a different choice and raise my kids while they spend so long away from their kids every week.

For the record, i wouldn't mind a night to go to Denny's or sit on a park bench for awhile before going back to the kids, but I am needed here and until either they are old enough to tell me if someone does something and know it is wrong, or I miraculously find someone who can handle then both for more than an hour(for a doc appointment), then oh well. I am a bit paranoid about who watches my kids, for how long, and how it effects them.

I had kids. I kicked my abusive husband out, so now I have these kids alone. I need to be mom and dad, so... my time to "go out" and have a quiet night alone, has not come along. besides. last time I was going to have lunch at MC Donald's alone, I chickened out because I started thinking how much they would enjoy it(we don't go out much at all... like once a month tops), and ended up taking them anyway.

My me time is quiet and personal. maybe they just need to be "free" and "wild" for a little while because they don't want to let loose in front of their kids?

[deleted account]

Quoting Jeannette:


The woman I know, on the other hand, doesn't include her kids on any excursions she goes on with her boyfriends.


You know this is probably a good thing!!!



 



The only night my 3 yr old spent away from home was the ONE night I stayed in the hospital after having his brother. And I could have made that 2 nights, but I refused! I wanted to get back home to my 3 yr old because he needs his parents around. He of course had a wonderful time w/the neighbor and i was not worried about him at all...it didn't bother me that he stayed overnight somewhere but I felt like he should have been a part of our addition...but he was a little young and it probably wouldn't have been right for him to stay in the hospital with us? My husband has taken him away for a few nights before as I have as well, but he always had atleast 1 parent with him...on my nights alone I got stinking drunk once! I have done that on 2 other occassions in the last 3 yrs...once on a bday of mine & once more for a friends bday...other then for my bday my husband was home w/him and the other my cousin was here...we do our "partying" at home. And I use that term rather loosely...we don't "party" meaning we have a house full of people and a revolving door...we drink and stay up late playing video games or something, usually just us sometimes a (ONE) friend or a neighbor is over, at most there was like 3 ppl here once (neighbors)? Just the same by drinking I don't mean we get sloppy drunk...we just have a drink in hand...I am real good at knowing my limits! As soon as I feel it I slow down...and can maintain a buzz w/out ever getting sloppy or tipsy...I don't think there is anything wrong w/partying at home...I think the problem is when you are irresponsible! I think I am very responsible in my drinking which I may do 3x/mo...rarely ever getting drunk though...I think it is important for kids to see people handle drinking responsibly, I feel that people that hide everything, (fighting, PDA, etc...) have kids that don't know how to make limits for these things... You will not find me handling my child drunk, you will not find me making out w/hands in inappropriate places w/my husband in front of my kids, and we won't have an all out scream fest w/them in the room either...but they do see us drink responsibly, kiss or snuggle a little while making dinner or passing eachother in the hallway, and they do see us disagree with eachother and work it out. I don't see anything wrong with that... 



I think the excuse "I'm young and need to go out and 'act' young every weekend" is BS! If you wanted to ACT young you should NOT have had a child! Of course by "acting" young I understand that to mean having meaningless sex w/random people and getting sloppy drunk...I'm sure there are a good many people that would also think of that the same and doing that while having kids is NOT cool! And please DONT do that w/kids in tow! And I'm in NO WAY jealous of the person who has the ability to dump their kids every weekend...I do not wish to dump my kids and I do not feel bad that my 3 yr old has only spent ONE night away from mom & dad...If i wanted to I could dump them when I felt like it, but I planned my children and I planned on being there for them!

Charlie - posted on 11/23/2009

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I will be honest i think going out and getting shitfaced EVERY weekend is a good indicator that person is not ready for a child BUT my mother has Cooper every Saturday , she chooses to i have never asked her to have him and even now she is away and she rings me every day crying because she misses cooper *eye roll* sweet though .

The way Jamie and i choose to spend our time is to watch a DVD , go to dinner or just hang out with mates and make the most of AHEM.....Snuggle time LMAO , but i will be honest a couple of times we have gone out to the pub and although not meaning to , ending up pretty drunk we have had one weekend away from Cooper where we went on a camping trip with a bunch of mates well all i can say is it got pretty messy around the campfire so all up Ive been out and had drinks about four times , i know thats not the same as getting blind all weekend , every weekend but i am sure someone in COM would look down on me for those few times all i can say i dont feel guilty , i have the luxury of having a " night off " not many do and i know i am a damn good mother and all though i prefer to stay at home and catch a movie or go hang out with friends for dinner honestly ive really lost all interest in partying hard i think i partied harder than most BEFORE i had a baby and glad i got all that out of my system before having a child , i think there is a fine line between enjoying your me time and taking advantage and shirking responsibility .

Amanda - posted on 11/23/2009

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to me, being a mother is selfless. i'm not saying that we don't all deserve a little "break," a little "me time," but taking every weekend to unwind/ get wasted (and i am not talking about the once or twice a month)???? thats bull-shit, that's selfish, and that's shitty parenting! i really can't get over how many women/mothers condone this type of behavior (mostly in other threads) saying that several nights of debauchery are well deserved. when is that we, as a whole, became soooo selfish and self centered? when is that we decided we wanted kids but not on the weekends and as long as doesn't interfere with our social lives????? motherhood is a comittment, if you can't take it there are plenty of women out there dying to have the opportunity to be a mommy 24/7, breaks or not. seriously it gets me all fired up!

?? - posted on 11/23/2009

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In addition to what Traci said, even if children don't see you acting that way; look at all the pictures circulating around FaceBook. Just because baby doesn't see mommy plastered as a baby - one day - those pictures could very well come around and who the hell wants their 13-15 year old kid to see a picture of them passed out on the side of the bar with puke down the front of them and their bits and pieces out for the world to see...? I know I wouldn't want my son to come across a picture like that of me - and he never would find one even remotely like that of me - but I have seen THOSE pictures of some girls around here who do have children his age.



Which makes me feel so bad for those children because for 1, that child deserves a responsible, respectful parent and 2, my son will have to go to school with these children and I sure as fuck will not let him go to their house to play. I can't feel even remotely comfortable with my son going to these childrens houses knowing how irresponsible their parents are and I don't have the patience to deal with thier stupidity for me to want to go and deal with them for 45 minutes to an hour so that our children can play --- those kids will ALWAYS be welcome in my home but it sucks that those children will miss out on responsible parents not wanting their child over to their house to play.

Sara - posted on 11/23/2009

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That's a good point, Traci. Children absorb more and see more than we think...

Traci - posted on 11/23/2009

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I think you need to do your "living" before you have kids. If you are the type of person that needs to go out every weekend, go clubbing and get smashed, then you need to wait to have kids. Your kids don't need to see their parents acting in such a way (or even if they don't see it....trust me, they KNOW). It sets a terrible example for them to follow. How can you tell them that behavior is wrong when they know or remember you going out doing the same? I know kids are kids and adults are adults and all that, but I think kids learn alot more through your actions than through your words. Monkey see, monkey do.

Of course moms need to get out and get a break from time to time, but personally I like to do things in my "off time" that I would not be ashamed to do in front of my kids. Shopping, going out to dinner, or a movie. You don't have to be hoochie dancing and getting plastered to get a break from your kids. :)

Sara - posted on 11/23/2009

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I agree Erin. I think that while it is imporant to make time for yourself just for the sheer fact of remaining sane, there is no justification for putting your social life before your children. Being a responsible parent means providing a stable environment for your child. Somehow, I doubt dumping them off at someone else's house for the weekend, EVERY weekend provides that kind of environment. The greatest gift you can give to your children is your time.

?? - posted on 11/23/2009

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Quoting Dana:

They continued to party because the grandparents would watch their child if they needed and if not then they'd party at their house.




Oh man, that scares the SHIT outta me!!!!!!!!!! I think partying at your house, with your children there is even worse than leaving your child with someone to go out. It's a recipe for disaster - how horrible would it be if a child accidently grabbed the cup of some idiot that passed out and drank a whole cup of alcohol - it would kill the child no doubt and no one would even know cause they're all passed out and oblivious to what's going on around them :(

Esther - posted on 11/23/2009

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I think going out every weekend is ridiculous. As some of the other posters have said - time to grow up. If you weren't ready to be a parent, which as everyone should know is a 24/7 job, you shoulnd't have gotten pregnant. My son will be 2 in about a month (can't believe it) and I have never been away from him overnight and have only left him home with someone other than my husband once (my parents, and only after I had put him to bed). I actually think that it would be good for me & my husband to have a date night and get an actual sitter sometime (all of our relatives live overseas though) but the thought of my baby (OK toddler) waking up calling me and finding that I'm not there .... I'm just not ready yet. Even if he is.



Now that being said, I'm a working mom so my son goes to daycare every day and since I'm no Mother Theresa - I too do need a break from time to time. So today, I took a day off from work and I still took Lucas to daycare. I dropped him off late and I'll pick him up early, but right now, I'm sitting on the couch with my feet up watching The View. Ahhhhhh.

Dana - posted on 11/23/2009

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I think it all depends on how you were raised and what is normal to you. I have some friends who had their baby when they were young. They continued to party because the grandparents would watch their child if they needed and if not then they'd party at their house. Both of their parents were alcoholics and they in turn are now too. When they had their daughter I thought, good maybe they'll settle down some because that's what I would do, that's what I was raised to be like. As time has gone by, I thought maybe they'll change as they age. They're still acting like they're childless. It's sad. I feel awful for their child.

Erin - posted on 11/23/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

I think your wrong I know plenty of people who go out on the weekends and they shouldnt be judged for it. Even someone I dislike who is my fiances work mates girl friend she has her 3rd child on the way and she was out every weekend her partner looks after her girls. I think if thats what people want to do thats thier choice even if I wouldnt do it personally, and the people who say they are bad parents are most likely jealous because they are able to do so, and they cant. If you didnt have kids in your teens you cant say you know how these girls feel or put yourself in their position


I don't actually think age or circumstance has anything to do with it, as I stated in my PP. Young or old, single or married, when you chose to give the incessant partying up. It's that simple. Going out periodically to catch up with friends is very different to spending each and every weekend away from your child.



And my disapproval of this behaviour has absolutely ZERO to do with jealousy. There is nothing to admire about someone who has their priorities so screwed up that they think them having fun is more important than caring for their child.

Amie - posted on 11/22/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

I think your wrong I know plenty of people who go out on the weekends and they shouldnt be judged for it. Even someone I dislike who is my fiances work mates girl friend she has her 3rd child on the way and she was out every weekend her partner looks after her girls. I think if thats what people want to do thats thier choice even if I wouldnt do it personally, and the people who say they are bad parents are most likely jealous because they are able to do so, and they cant. If you didnt have kids in your teens you cant say you know how these girls feel or put yourself in their position


I was 18 when I had my first, 22 when I had my 2nd, 25 when I had my 3rd and 27 when I had my 4th. I do know what it feels like to be in that position. I was in that position. I still grew up and took responsibility for my child. If a person is not perpared and able to care for the child they are about to have then they shouldn't have it. I can understand a grace period of adjustment to the new baby but to continually do it is unacceptable. The grandparents have put in their time. The other parent should not be the only one there. There is no need to hire babysitters all the time. Teenage and young mothers who want to pawn off their kids each and every weekend because they need a "break" to go out and get rip roaring drunk make us all look bad. I knew a few when I was in school, I am no longer friends with them because of their behavior. I also lost a lot of friends when I became pregnant because I said no I'm not going out. I was a mother, it was time to grow up. They didn't like it so they got the boot.

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2009

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I couldn't imagine even having the energy to go clubbing every weekend........

[deleted account]

Once and awhile is okay, every weekend - no way! My son is almost 2 and since he's come home has never spent a night away from me. I've left him with family members for a few hours but that's it. He's my (and my hubby's) responsibility, not anyone else's. Growing up my parents didn't go anywhere that they couldn't take us kids and I'm the same with my son. In fact, I have my MIL and SIL both asking to babysit him so hubby and I can go out.

There was a young girl who used to live down the hall from me. I think she was 19 and she had an infant (her dad was supposed to be living there as well but he never moved in). Almost every night she would have a bunch of people over there partying it up. She ended up complaining to her mom that the baby wouldn't eat or sleep (no wonder, the poor little thing didn't have any kind of routine and the constant partying was probably making him edgy). Anyway, her mom took the baby which was for the best because CAS had been called but they got there after her mom took the baby. the girl moved out of our building not long after.

Lindsay - posted on 11/22/2009

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Quoting Melissa:



Quoting Lindsay:




Quoting Melissa:

I think your wrong I know plenty of people who go out on the weekends and they shouldnt be judged for it. Even someone I dislike who is my fiances work mates girl friend she has her 3rd child on the way and she was out every weekend her partner looks after her girls. I think if thats what people want to do thats thier choice even if I wouldnt do it personally, and the people who say they are bad parents are most likely jealous because they are able to do so, and they cant. If you didnt have kids in your teens you cant say you know how these girls feel or put yourself in their position








I was 18 when I got pregnant with Madeline so I can put myself in their position. If I wanted to find a sitter for my kids each weekend, I could. I chose to have my children and I am a parent to them, seven days a week. I'm all for a little free time but when it's EVERY weekend to go party, that's extreme.









I was 18 when my first was born too, and will be 21 when my second is born, my partner would love for me to go out partying so that I can get away but he knows I dont want to. For me something changed in me and the thought of drinking myself stupid doesn't apeal to me anymore. However when my daughter was a newborn I had some nights with the girls at my home where we drank here






Well that's a good thing.....



 



Choosing to go out partying every weekend doesn't exactly equal a good quality for a parent to have. It's not being a parent at all beyond finding a safe place for them to go.....

Mel - posted on 11/22/2009

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Quoting Lindsay:



Quoting Melissa:

I think your wrong I know plenty of people who go out on the weekends and they shouldnt be judged for it. Even someone I dislike who is my fiances work mates girl friend she has her 3rd child on the way and she was out every weekend her partner looks after her girls. I think if thats what people want to do thats thier choice even if I wouldnt do it personally, and the people who say they are bad parents are most likely jealous because they are able to do so, and they cant. If you didnt have kids in your teens you cant say you know how these girls feel or put yourself in their position






I was 18 when I got pregnant with Madeline so I can put myself in their position. If I wanted to find a sitter for my kids each weekend, I could. I chose to have my children and I am a parent to them, seven days a week. I'm all for a little free time but when it's EVERY weekend to go party, that's extreme.





I was 18 when my first was born too, and will be 21 when my second is born, my partner would love for me to go out partying so that I can get away but he knows I dont want to. For me something changed in me and the thought of drinking myself stupid doesn't apeal to me anymore. However when my daughter was a newborn I had some nights with the girls at my home where we drank here

Mel - posted on 11/22/2009

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I think your wrong I know plenty of people who go out on the weekends and they shouldnt be judged for it. Even someone I dislike who is my fiances work mates girl friend she has her 3rd child on the way and she was out every weekend her partner looks after her girls. I think if thats what people want to do thats thier choice even if I wouldnt do it personally, and the people who say they are bad parents are most likely jealous because they are able to do so, and they cant. If you didnt have kids in your teens you cant say you know how these girls feel or put yourself in their position

Jeannette - posted on 11/22/2009

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Oh my goodness! Was her name Candie? I know someone just like this! She thinks she should be able to go out to the bars every single weekend so she can date. She is a single mom, by choice, her husband didn't beat her...she just thought she could trade up. Unfortunately, she keeps getting traded in!

Anyway, she thinks her parents are unreasonable a-holes for not babysitting so she can go out at least one night during the week as well.

She is 27, got pregnant with the first kid because she wanted to marry the guy. He married her. She treated him like crap - with a captial C! She then falls head over heels for a guy she thinks looks like a celebrity, while still married mind you. So, she makes her husband miserable, they finally breakup and divorce. She gets pregnant by the new guy, except, he has two other women at the same time, and one of them is pregnant as well! No lie!

Now, she is single, 2 kids, 27, and dates so many bad choices it is a running joke in the family!

She has got to be one of the most selfish people I have ever had to have dealings with. She needs financial support from various ends, but can afford tattoos, piercings, bar hopping every weekend, regular hair cuts and dye jobs, sky diving..the list of what she can afford for herself goes on!

I don't think everyone has to live like I did...I didn't go out to spend money after I had my first kid...if a guy wanted to date me, he better expect to pay, because I had a kid to support. Needless to say, I didn't date much! lol! However, I found the guy who really did want to be with me sooooo much, he included my daughters on any and all dates because we didn't go to bars. We went to Discovery Zone, the park, the zoo....

The woman I know, on the other hand, doesn't include her kids on any excursions she goes on with her boyfriends.

?? - posted on 11/22/2009

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I see what you mean. And I have time away, just as much as you want, need & do. My time away is in the other room or outside though, nap times, when he's playing or where I can still keep an eye on him. My partner works mon-fri 7:00am - 5:30pm and is on call on the weekends and often goes way into overtime on week days too (as late as midnight depending on if he has to travel). So he is around in the evenings but is usually pretty tired, I still get my alone time while he's playing with our son.



It's broken alone time - 30 mins for a shower or 30 mins for a bath, an hour shopping, when my son and his dad are playing when he gets home from work in the livingroom I can go and do whatever I want in another room or outside or where ever if I want/need too....



I guess when I decided to have a child, I decided and ultimately came to the conclusion that "me time" would become restricted and limited because of my decision to have a child. So I enjoy my 20-45 minutes, my hour alone time randomly when I decide to take it when I can get it.



I can understand needing the time and the space, my issue is with the girls that have kids and see them for 2-3 hrs a night, but otherwise they're working, studying and partying. Or the girls that NEED a break so on the weekend they drop baby off at grandma's and get wasted all weekend - clock out at 6pm friday night, drunk by 9pm, passed out by 2am, hung over at 9am saturday morning, breakfast, shopping, dinner, drunk my 9pm, passed out by 2am, hung over at 9am sunday morning, breakfast, movie and *ugh* "time to get back to the kid" - those girls. They should have kept their legs closed.

[deleted account]

I'm the kind of person who has to have some time alone-absolutely alone without anyone whatsoever. I wasn't implying that you and your son don't do anything aside from sit at home-I just mean that I don't quite understand how anyone can constantly be around other people with the only breaks being bedtime.



I respect women who can do that-who can be there constantly and have their child or children tagging along everywhere they go-but sometimes I need a break from everyone-my husband, son, parents, and coworkers-even if it's just a few hours.



My husband works over 50 hours a week, and his only two days off are days that I work, so I can't go away and leav him with his dad often. When I do, I enjoy the time away. I also enjoy the nights he spends with his grandparents, as they're generally on the weekend and my husband and I can go out to eat or for drinks after he gets off work.

?? - posted on 11/22/2009

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Quoting Diana:

Well, like I said-if someone can do that and not go stir crazy, more power to you. I have great respect for moms who can just keep going like the Energizer bunny (lol), but I can't.




I'm not really sure what you mean by this?



I don't get what you mean by 'doing that and not going stir crazy'. Just because I haven't been away from my son very much doesn't mean I don't do things. I get out of the house, I have friends I spend time with, I go to the mall and shopping and to the beach and down town to window shop, I study and I play games, I even get away from home for the weekend. I just do them with my son and if he can't do it too, well then I don't do it until his dad is home from work and can watch him while I do it.



I still have down time, where I relax and watch TV, get online or curl up and read a book, or have a bath. And I have his nap times to do things that I can't do with him. So I don't understand the energizer bunny thing either...



I'm not meaning to be rude, I'm just wondering what you meant by that...?

Lindsay - posted on 11/22/2009

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When I first had Madeline, my mom would come by about once a week and tell me to go to the grocery or get some errands done for an hour or two while she spent some time with her. Then came Cooper and she coninued about the same. As they've gotten a little older, mom requests for them to spend the night every so often. Now my parents take the kids about one weekend a month. It's not something we expect of them, but more of the call and say they need their Madeline and Cooper fix. I always miss them but I'm also glad that they are so close to my parents. That turns into my "me" time. We use this time for whatever. Sometimes it's just to hang around the house and clean and do the shopping. Sometimes we go out and "party" with our friends.

I have no problem with parents having ime to theirseleves away from the kids or what they do with that time. I don't think it should be all weekend every weekend though. That's not being a parent. And just so they remember that even if they aren't with their kids physically at the moment, they are still parents and need to make responsible choices. =)

Isobel - posted on 11/22/2009

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It's a little different when you're divorced...the kids are gone every other weekend...That's kinda when I let off all my steam. I can go out to the pub, I can go shopping in the afternoons. I clean the apartment. or I sleep till noon. All guilt free. The kids are not here, they are not supposed to be here, they are happy, healthy and with their dad. Everything in moderation is what I say :)

Amie - posted on 11/22/2009

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No it's not. I was a mom at 18. My partying all the time stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant. After I had her the only real party I went to after that was my 19th birthday. I was legal age then so of course my friends wanted to take me out, my parents were more than happy to take my baby (7 months at the time) for the night.

Using the excuse that you're young is a piss poor one. If you weren't capable of caring for a child then you should have thought about that beforehand. I wasn't entirely ready but I managed well. I finished high school, went to post secondary and made a life for myself. All whilst having another child 4 years later and with a shit ass bf too. My family was my biggest support though. They were there when I needed them. They set me up in a house, my dad made sure to do all the work on my car so I wouldn't need to pay for a garage, they lent me money here and there (the most ever was $100 and it always got paid back) but they would not and absolutely refused to watch her all the time for me. They didn't mind watching her once in awhile but they would not do it every weekend. She was my child not theirs. I fully understood that and agreed with it. The times I did want to go out and they weren't able to watch her she either came along or I hired a babysitter. I always found a way.

I still get lots of me time. My husband and I switch off when we go out with friends, once or twice a month his parents come over so we can have a date night. During the summer break my parents take the kids for a week each month since they now live farther away from us. It's nice but it's by no means expected. If they end up not being able to I don't complain about it, I don't pout about it. They are MY kids, if I didn't want to take responsibility for them I shouldn't have had them. No matter my age.

Amanda - posted on 11/22/2009

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Quoting Jo:

Ok well after just reading the first post Diana... My son is 12.5 months old and I've been away from him for 7 hours when he was 2 months old - while we moved house and he was right next door with my best friend, 5 hours when he was 3 months old when I went to dinner and bowling for my 25th birthday, 3 hours when he was 5 months old for my friends birthday and 4 hrs when he was 9 months old for my friends going away party and that's it... an hour here or there if I went shopping with my mom or a friend but my son was with his dad. Oh and twice when we went to a movie so 3 hours twice (once for speedracer [barf] and once for angels & demons).

I have never been away from him overnight. I haven't gotten drunk since January 2008. I have gone out with my friend for her birthday, I had 1 drink with her, played 2 games of pool and went home to put my son to bed. I went out with her and a friend for her 'going away party', we had 2 drinks, played a couple games of pool and was still home to put my son to bed.

But that's just me - since I found out I was pregnant, I haven't had any desire to party the way I used to - and I PARTIED, A LOT! I don't have any urge to drink, I don't care to be out all night and I'd just rather spend time with my son than be out around a bunch of idiots (the people in this town are fuckin stupid when they are at the bars).

I know some girls though that work full time, party every weekend and have a baby the same age as my son. 2 of these girls just this weekend ditched their daughters with their parents for the weekend to go to Calgary to get wasted and go shopping because they 'need a break'.

Having a baby is a part of life, having a baby IS life and if you 'need a break' from life, you should have thought of that before you spread your legs.

Once in awhile, randomly, even once a month goin out with the girls, whatever, big deal. As long as your child is with someone and safe, have fun! Have a BLAST! Don't do anything stupid, stay safe and make sure you get your butt back to your baby. Every weekend though, BULLSHIT. Time to grow up and take some responsibility for your life.


i had a lot more to say until i read this!  this is EXACTLY how i feel.  i am a SAHM and am with my son pretty much 24/7, and i am ok with that.  once every week or 2 my MIL takes my son for a few hours so my hubby and i can have some time just us (cleaning, going to a movie, that type of thing), and twice in 13 months my son stayed with my hubby and i went out for a girls night (once was a bachlorette party), and i waited until after i had put him down to sleep.  the girls night, i did drink, i did have fun, but i was home at a reasonable hour and wasn't wasted. the bachlorette party i was miserable, it was clubbing and i was tired and it was not fun at all!!!!



i know we are all different, but i can't see leaving MY responsibility over night so that i can take a break (i am not saying that MY way is necessarily right, just that is in my mind-lol).   i was ready to become a mother and i don't feel as though i am missing out.   "me time" to me is a shower, perusing COM or facebook, chatting on the phone, exercising, things of that nature.  i feel as though we will never get this time back and i don't want to miss out on my kids' young lives, i won't look back when i am older and think "damn, wish i had gone out drinking/partying/dancing more"

[deleted account]



Quoting Jo:

Ok well after just reading the first post Diana... My son is 12.5 months old and I've been away from him for 7 hours when he was 2 months old - while we moved house and he was right next door with my best friend, 5 hours when he was 3 months old when I went to dinner and bowling for my 25th birthday, 3 hours when he was 5 months old for my friends birthday and 4 hrs when he was 9 months old for my friends going away party and that's it... an hour here or there if I went shopping with my mom or a friend but my son was with his dad. Oh and twice when we went to a movie so 3 hours twice (once for speedracer [barf] and once for angels & demons).

I have never been away from him overnight. I haven't gotten drunk since January 2008. I have gone out with my friend for her birthday, I had 1 drink with her, played 2 games of pool and went home to put my son to bed. I went out with her and a friend for her 'going away party', we had 2 drinks, played a couple games of pool and was still home to put my son to bed.

But that's just me - since I found out I was pregnant, I haven't had any desire to party the way I used to - and I PARTIED, A LOT! I don't have any urge to drink, I don't care to be out all night and I'd just rather spend time with my son than be out around a bunch of idiots (the people in this town are fuckin stupid when they are at the bars).

I know some girls though that work full time, party every weekend and have a baby the same age as my son. 2 of these girls just this weekend ditched their daughters with their parents for the weekend to go to Calgary to get wasted and go shopping because they 'need a break'.

Having a baby is a part of life, having a baby IS life and if you 'need a break' from life, you should have thought of that before you spread your legs.

Once in awhile, randomly, even once a month goin out with the girls, whatever, big deal. As long as your child is with someone and safe, have fun! Have a BLAST! Don't do anything stupid, stay safe and make sure you get your butt back to your baby. Every weekend though, BULLSHIT. Time to grow up and take some responsibility for your life.



 





Well, like I said-if someone can do that and not go stir crazy, more power to you. I have great respect for moms who can just keep going like the Energizer bunny (lol), but I can't.



Most people need a "break" from life sometimes-but yeah, there's a difference between sometimes and constantly. I don't think it matters what you do when you don't have the kids (unless you're off doing something that'll get you arrested, of course)-whether you party or just stay at home and sleep. I think what matters is how often you're asking someone else to keep them so you don't have to deal with them.



I don't see anything wrong with 2 nights a month or so-and honestly my parents and in-laws would throw a fit if we didn't do that, because on those nights they keep him. If each set didn't get to keep him at least once a month and get in their grandparent/grandson time, they'd drive us nuts.



I also think that the age of the child(ren) is relevant-I feel like infants need their parents at home more and more often than older children, though of course even with older children I don't think it's appropriate to be gone constantly.

ME - posted on 11/22/2009

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Since having my son almost 22 months ago, I have been away from him one time over night (he stayed with my aunt and uncle), and probably about 10 times to go out to a dinner/movie with my husband. Most of those times were special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.). My Mom was keeping him one of the two days a week that I teach, but since my hubby lost his job, he will be taking that over until he finds another. Miles is our responsibility, and we don't have the money to pay for sitters nor the desire to take advantage of family members. I also don't really want to be away from Miles...I don't know how to explain it, but even when I think I need a break, I miss him and can't wait to get back to him. I used to party like a rock star, so I understand that it is fun...perhaps the fact that I didn't get pregnant until I was 30 has made it easier for me to let go of that part of my life...

?? - posted on 11/22/2009

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Ok well after just reading the first post Diana... My son is 12.5 months old and I've been away from him for 7 hours when he was 2 months old - while we moved house and he was right next door with my best friend, 5 hours when he was 3 months old when I went to dinner and bowling for my 25th birthday, 3 hours when he was 5 months old for my friends birthday and 4 hrs when he was 9 months old for my friends going away party and that's it... an hour here or there if I went shopping with my mom or a friend but my son was with his dad. Oh and twice when we went to a movie so 3 hours twice (once for speedracer [barf] and once for angels & demons).



I have never been away from him overnight. I haven't gotten drunk since January 2008. I have gone out with my friend for her birthday, I had 1 drink with her, played 2 games of pool and went home to put my son to bed. I went out with her and a friend for her 'going away party', we had 2 drinks, played a couple games of pool and was still home to put my son to bed.



But that's just me - since I found out I was pregnant, I haven't had any desire to party the way I used to - and I PARTIED, A LOT! I don't have any urge to drink, I don't care to be out all night and I'd just rather spend time with my son than be out around a bunch of idiots (the people in this town are fuckin stupid when they are at the bars).



I know some girls though that work full time, party every weekend and have a baby the same age as my son. 2 of these girls just this weekend ditched their daughters with their parents for the weekend to go to Calgary to get wasted and go shopping because they 'need a break'.



Having a baby is a part of life, having a baby IS life and if you 'need a break' from life, you should have thought of that before you spread your legs.



Once in awhile, randomly, even once a month goin out with the girls, whatever, big deal. As long as your child is with someone and safe, have fun! Have a BLAST! Don't do anything stupid, stay safe and make sure you get your butt back to your baby. Every weekend though, BULLSHIT. Time to grow up and take some responsibility for your life.

Sarah - posted on 11/22/2009

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While i do think that going out EVERY single w/e is pushing the limits of 'me time', i do go out quite a bit! I guess i go about about once a month, and when i do i go 'clubbing'.
I do get drunk too.
There are other ways to spend to my 'night off' but going out with my mates and re-living my youth is the way i like to do it. (tho i often regret it the next day lol!)
Most of the time my husband looks after the kids that night and the next day, occasionally my Dad's ex (long story!) has them for me.

As i've said, i would never go out EVERY w/e. I don't see anything wrong with what i do tho.
Yes, i have kids now and it's a responsibility i take very seriously, but i do enjoy feeling 'footloose and fancy free' just a little bit now and again. The kids are well looked after, so i don't see the harm. :)

Erin - posted on 11/21/2009

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Quoting Diana:



Quoting Erin:

Oh no I've been away from her more than 3 times - I am back working part-time now - but it's only been 3 times overnight.

And I do certainly understand that there are other factors that require children to spend the night away, and that's not what I'm talking about here. I guess this just really riled me up because I also know people in RL that think their weekends of partying and drinking can continue after they have children.






haha...Ok I gotcha. I thougth you meant in general. I know some women do it, but I can't imagine being one of them. I love my son, but sometimes I do need a break because while it's reward to no end, it's also a lot of work.





Yeah I understand we all need a break at some point. My Mum has had Milla for me for a few hours here and there so I could go out shopping, get some housework done that I can't do while she's here, or even just have a nap!! But even that is literally only a dozen times. The rest of the time, if I'm not at work (which is only 8 hours a week), I'm with my daughter.



I just don't understand the mentality of 'I'm gonna give the kids to the oldies so I can go out and pretend I'm footloose and fancy-free again'. If that's what someone wants to do, why have kids in the first place?!?!

[deleted account]

Quoting Erin:

Oh no I've been away from her more than 3 times - I am back working part-time now - but it's only been 3 times overnight.

And I do certainly understand that there are other factors that require children to spend the night away, and that's not what I'm talking about here. I guess this just really riled me up because I also know people in RL that think their weekends of partying and drinking can continue after they have children.



haha...Ok I gotcha. I thougth you meant in general. I know some women do it, but I can't imagine being one of them. I love my son, but sometimes I do need a break because while it's reward to no end, it's also a lot of work.

[deleted account]

I totally agree with you! I had my first baby at 21, but I came into the relationship with my hubby and he had a 3 year-old daughter (we have her full time). That means I have been in the "mommy role" since I was barely 20 years old. I have never once regretted it! I have no desire to go out and drink myself silly every weekend (I actually did that with a previous relationship when I was 18 and 19... but that's a WHOLE 'nother story!).



Saying that, at least once a month (sometimes twice) my MIL takes our kids and my hubby and I get "date night" where we usually just stay at home (tough times mean we can't go out anymore) and SLEEP! :P Our next one is next Friday night and I am so looking forward to it!



Then, of course, I get the guilty feelings that come with leaving my kids with my MIL. I know realistically I need a break, but I still feel like I am being a bad mommy for not wanting my kids with me every single night of every single week of every single month of every single year... you get my point...



When you have kids they are YOUR kids, not your parent's kids, not your relative's kids, but YOURS. YOU need to take responsibility. You had enough responsibility to get pregnant and decide to keep the child, now you need to have the MATURITY to take care of your child YOURSELF.

Erin - posted on 11/21/2009

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Oh no I've been away from her more than 3 times - I am back working part-time now - but it's only been 3 times overnight.

And I do certainly understand that there are other factors that require children to spend the night away, and that's not what I'm talking about here. I guess this just really riled me up because I also know people in RL that think their weekends of partying and drinking can continue after they have children.

[deleted account]

I don't think so. But I don't think that we necessarily have to be here 24/7.



I think it's amazing that you've only been away from your child 3 times in almost 10 months, but not all of us can do that. I'm not saying that you think all of us should...But many mothers do.



Children are our responsibility. Our parents already raised us. Going out clubbing every weekend is not ok under any circumstances. But I think that every once in a while isn't a big deal. Maybe like one or two keekend nights a month?

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