Men and women friendships

Bonnie - posted on 06/03/2011 ( 28 moms have responded )

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This is coming from the thread 'why women can't be friends'.

I have heard a number of times that men and women can't be really good friends without sex being part of their relationship. So, what do you think? Can you have male friends without sex being involved? Do you know of people who have friends of the opposite sex who don't have sex? I don't know what is. Do people think that just because they are good friends, they have to have sex?

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Sarah - posted on 06/03/2011

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When I was younger that was more true.
I had a lot of male friends, but I'd also kissed (or maybe more!! lol) quite a few of them! Some of them we didn't stay close after whatever intimacy had happened, others we stayed close regardless.

Now I'm all grown up (supposedly!) and married, I have good friends that are male and there's no underlying sexual tension or anything.

I can see both sides really, I guess it depends on the situation.

Mrs. - posted on 06/03/2011

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Christy, you are assume a lot about all male-female friendships...like that both people are married, that they work together and that they spend more time together than do with their spouses....that does not apply to all male-female relationships...no matter how good Harley's books might be.

I said in the other thread, I have had several male friends with whom I have never had sex or invested more in them emotionally than my partner. In fact, the one I spoke of in the last post, has had more than ample opportunity to hit on me or make a move when we were both single together. However, there is just no sexual attraction with us. He feels like a brother, always has. My own brothers have been less than wonderful for a couple years now and I've welcomed a healthy friendship with my male friend that has been a comfort when my family has let me down.

Like I said, SOME people are not able to do it. Some women and some men have a difficult time connecting without a sexual aspect to it. Some do not have that issue.

Christy - posted on 06/03/2011

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Herein lies the problem. Assuming the men and women are married and are friends from work related locations. They are spending more time together than the married couple. The friendship grows an deepens with time as the work "friends" get to know each other very well. They don't have to deal with the realities of life that the married couple have to deal with together, so the "friendship" of at work becomes a very attractive relationship. The "friends" are meeting each other's emotional needs (even before sex enters the picture) which leads to love, deeper attraction, and sex.

Dr. Willard Harley is a marriage counselor that is truly amazing. His program saved my marriage because of a situation similar to this. Dr. Harley teaches how to set boundaries so that work friends are not able to meet your emotional needs and how to create a stronger marriage so that each person's emotional needs are being met fully. I highly recommend his books even if your marriage is fine! His best seller is "His Needs, Her Needs." I also highly recommend, "Surviving and Affair," & "Love Busters." If you're dating and in a relationship before marriage, he has "Fall in Love, Stay in Love." Excellent program!

Rosie - posted on 06/03/2011

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i think it possible but highly unlikely that sexual attraction isn't there. i think it's entirely possible to not act on those feelings for the rest of your life, however they're still there. those types of feelings you DON'T have for a friend. you aren't sexually attracted to friends.

Firebird - posted on 06/03/2011

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Throughout my entire life most of my friends have been male. There weren't a lot of girls on my block growing up so my sister and I always hung around boys. Now all these years later, most of my friends are still men. I don't have sex with any of them. I don't like women. I've seen what they can do and it's not something I want any part of. I had a couple friends in high school that could not just be friends with guys. They met a guy, and they slept with him. I guess they're just wired that way. I guess every situation is different.

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Bonnie - posted on 06/04/2011

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See, so far majority of the women who have commented have proved that men and women can be friends without sex being involved :-)

Amanda - posted on 06/04/2011

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I have always had more male friends then females, no I dont have sex with them. I actually dont understand woman who can only be friends with males they are having sex with or want to have sex with. I do not pick my friends based on if they turn me on or not, I base them on the level of drama or craziness they give out to the world.

[deleted account]

I've had a number of long-time male (straight) friends, and my husband has female friends. I don't see what the big deal is, really.

Desiree - posted on 06/04/2011

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I do have a number of male friends and those friendships are purely Platonic. Firstly I would never consider it because I am crazy about my Hubby and secondly I am so anti cheating on a spouse I don't talk to some of my family who have done it. It makes me really angry.

My oldest friend in a guy we met when we 7, in high school we did try to kiss but it was like kissing my brother so nope the thought of having sex with him is repulsive. He is more like a brother than anything else. My husband has no problem with me going to movies with my male friends he knows nothing will happen. Beside my Hubby was my first and only and why would I have minute steak out when I can get rump at home.

But I suppose that is just me.

[deleted account]

I cant speak for other people but for me- I have had male friends that I have slept with as a Friends With Benefits type thing that didnt affect our friendship at all- I guess coz it was only a physical thing. And i've also had male friends that I would never have considered sleeping with. I dont know really what the difference was- maybe an attraction thing? I do have one male friend that proudly told me once "You know sweets you are the only female friend I have that I havent fucked?" I didnt know whether to be touched or insulted LOL!

[deleted account]

I think it is possible to be friends, of sorts... IDK... its really hard for me to say they can when IMP experience most ended up having feelings for me, or I them :( So if one pined for the other then I have trouble calling that a healthy friendship... I agree w/the other woman who talked about the very real possibility of emotional affairs, they are easy to fall into! I don't trust other women around my husband...now if they are old school friends from back in the day, or family, whatever... but I'm not cool w/any "new" friends who become overly into my husband... that has not turned out well in the past, dumb Bs always end up hitting on him! So I give my husband the same respect and I'll have work friends that I can BS w/@ work but I would never meet them outside of work w/out being in a huge group or w/my husband! We've had a few "couple" friends that our kids liked playing together and 2 different couples, the dad would bring the child over and hang out when my husband was at work and I was seriously uncomfortable the ENTIRE time! Way not cool with it!!! this is also after 14 yrs of being together and conditioning myself to this

Joanna - posted on 06/03/2011

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A couple of my best male friends were in love with me... we didn't have sex, but I knew they loved me and they knew I knew and that I didn't reciprocate. But we were still good friends.

Otherwise I had some male friends who weren't super close friends, but we were chums and got along great, with no sex/attraction.

April - posted on 06/03/2011

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I think men and women can be friends without sex being involved, but i do think that secretly one of them is often pining for the other. In the past, a guy friend usually turned into a boyfriend. It's just been my experience that every time I had a guy friend, I developed more feelings for them. As of right now, I have one guy friend and I know he has feelings for me. I actually haven't talked to him in a while because it's makes me uncomfortable because he knows I am married but still makes his feelings clear. Essentially, we're not friends anymore because of it. I've always thought opposite sex friendships are kind of doomed because someone always has feelings and if they don't, they are hiding it or they will develop feelings at some point.

Karen - posted on 06/03/2011

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i have had guy friends that i was really close to and we never had sexual attractions to one another. Then there were some that the guy ended up making a move after a few months or years and the friendship would end. i think it's healthy and normal to have guy friends and the same with guys having friends who are girls. But when married there is the chance of emotional affairs wich i found myself falling into 1 time. You become such good friends that you wait around on each other, get dissapointed when they aren't at work, talk about marital problem (wich was the one thing that I didn't do, but he did), and it eventually led to physical attraction. The 1st time i felt butterflies around him a red flag went up and i ended up quitting that job and never talking to him again. I didn't see it coming at all. Didn't even know why it felt so wrong until I saw an episode on tv about it (I think it was Dr. Phil years ago). So there are some people who can and some who can't. In my case mostly guys (not to stereotype).

[deleted account]

I have tons of males friends. I am employed at a shipyard that employs 3,000 people.93-95% of the workforce is male. I have been there 12 years and have worked all three shifts and am in a position where I deal with the majority of the facility. I literally know hundreds of people some closer than others and I have no sexual desire for any of them. I know about their wives and kids and have met and hung around them as well. Heck i can't go anywhere without running into someone from work.Many I find attractive in looks and personality but thats it. I am happily married to my forever husband that I met at work. I guess out of all my years there he was the only one I had a real attraction to. So to answer the question yes you can be friens and even close friends with the opposite sex without sex being involved.

I also have some friends that are girls at work and outside of work and all of them have male as well as female friends.

Melissa - posted on 06/03/2011

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My best friend from the time I was about 13 has been a male. His name is George (which I named my son - more after my Papa, but my best friend played a role in that decision as well lol) and there has never once been a single ounce of sexual attraction, tension, or ... anything! Lol. He's one of the only people I've always been able to count on, no matter where he is (he travels all over the world from time to time, and always makes time for me if I need him) no matter how long we go without talking, no matter what is going on in our lives, we are one anothers best best friends. I don't get to see him often, even though he's home in town for a good stretch, because I have my family to concentrate on and he's working and doing his own thing, but we still talk regularly, gossip like girls and poke fun at one another. Back in high school everyone swore we were dating, which couldn't have been farther from the truth. We do, however, have a pact that if we're both single when we're 40, we'll marry each other lol. If we wanted to breed, however, we've agreed on artificial insemination, cuz the real way would just be gross lol. I have other male friends besides him, as well, and I will admit that a few of them may have shown interest in me in the past, and I've had some interests in a few of them in the past, but I think it's silly to assume that men and women have such lack of control when it comes to the opposite sex that an attraction and actions on those attractions are a sure thing. We're human beings, we know when someone is attractive or not, but hopefully we're all mature enough to not fall into lust at every pretty face we see.

As far as the thread about women not being able to be friends with one another ... I agree and disagree. I think it's normal for women to be competetive with one another, just as men are amongst themselves. We want to be the best, so when we see a woman who is thinner, has nicer lips, prettier eyes, a better job, makes more money, has a hotter boyfriend, a better car, so on and so forth, I think it's fairly normal to have a slight tinge of jealousy. As with male-female friendships, I think it comes down to maturity; can you handle someone else being "better" than you and maintain the ability to appreciate that person. I'll admit to being jealous of my friends - one of them is taking a year off from work just because she can, and she's NOT financially concerned. She has no kids, no responsibilities, her bills are already paid off for the year, so she's kicking back and relaxing for the heck of it. I HATE her right now! Another friend of mine eats fast food daily and can't break 100 lbs! She hates not being able to gain weight, I hate not being able to lose weight, so we hate one another lol. But in the same breath, these women are my closest girlfriends, and I'd stand by them through anything. Even if they are skinny, rich bitches. Lol!

Lacye - posted on 06/03/2011

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I have a few male friends and I have never been sexually attracted to them. They are good friends and I think of them more as brothers than potential mates.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/03/2011

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I repeat, my BIL and I are very close, I have never looked at him sexually. I get grossed out even attempting the thought *finding happy place*

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/03/2011

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My brother in law asd I have been best buds since the day my husband and I started dating. I have NEVER had any sort of sexual thought about him...and never would.

I get along better with men than women. I am a rough and tough girl, big foul mouth....and I relate to men better.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/03/2011

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My and husband and me. Just kidding, I couldn't resist. I am leaving now. Carry on : )

[deleted account]

Most younger women have more guy friends than girl friends (let's face it, young women are catty and competitive), then as they mature, they learn true values and can connect to women better and on a more emotional level.

I think it is ridiculous to think that people of the opposite sex cannot be friends without sex. I have had plenty of great male friends that I have not had sex with (granted, I am truly picky about who I sleep with), and the friendships were long term and fulfilling. While most of my current friends are women, one of my very best friends is male, and the thought of sex with him is just not something I want to linger on....or think about ever.

That said, there have been friendships that evolved into something more, but they were few and far between--in fact, it only happened twice, and I am now married to the man involved in that second instance.

Katie - posted on 06/03/2011

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In highschool and before I got married I had mostly male friends. I have always gotten along better with guys then girls. Now that I am married and a mom things are a bit different though. My best friend is my husband and although it is nice to get out with other friends, I would often rather spend my rare free time with my best friend. I have had lots of male work friends since getting married and I think that is fine, but I doubt that I would ever hang out with them outside of work without my husband because I just don't think that it is overly appropriate. JMO. I wouldn't want my husband to have really close female friends that he spent a lot of free time with so I feel like I need to show him the same respect on my end. If that makes any sense.

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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I know... we have just grown apart. I constantly wonder when I give her advice or alk to her if shes greatful like she says and agreesor if shes bitching behind my back. Its sad when things come to that. I dont think I trust girls in general except my SIL

Sarah - posted on 06/03/2011

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You don't trust your best friend Mel?
That's sad :(
I've got 2 best girl friends and I would trust them with my life! I'd be lost without them truth be told :)

Mel - posted on 06/03/2011

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definately. Guys are easier to talk to, you know your getting it straight rather then two faced people or bitchiness. Even with my best friend I dont trust her. A guy you just feel 100 % comfortable provided they are not sleazy ones of course, but I am good at reading people

Bonnie - posted on 06/03/2011

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Personally, I disagree with the statement for the most part. I know of people who have friends of the opposite sex and sex is not involved (or at least this is what I know). I have had male friends over the years and sex was never involved. A few of them may have led to dating, but that's about all. There was one male friend I had in college. We seemed to get along great.

There was one night he had a bit too much to drink and we were talking on Facebook and he admitted to me that he had feelings for me. I wasn't totally surprised. When it was brought up a couple days later, he appologised and said he had too much to drink. Although, he did have feelings for me, he didn't want to ruin our friendship. Then of course a year later, our college program was over and our friendship drifted. Now we may talk online once in a blue moon, but we are both married now, so it doesn't really matter.

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