Midwife slip-up

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2011 ( 45 moms have responded )

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I guess this really isn't much of a debate, but I thought I would share anyway.

A friend of mine is 27 weeks pregnant with her 3rd baby. She found out the gender of her first two kids on ultrasound around 20 weeks, but she & her husband decided to let the 3rd baby's gender be a surprise. She already has a girl & a boy, so she thought it would be fun to wait until the birth.

Well, two days ago she went for a checkup with her midwife, and her midwife freakin' slipped up & told her the gender. The midwife *tried* to cover it up, but the cat was already out of the bag. Needless to say, my friend is VERY disappointed about finding out this way. :( She's not sure yet if she wants to share with everyone else yet. Part of me if nosey & reeeeally wants to know, but I can understand if she wants to keep it a secret from us.

Has anyone else had this happen? Would you be pissed if it happened to you? I know I would be...

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Erin - posted on 04/22/2011

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Yeah it would suck, but like Loureen said, it wasn't a life-altering mistake. I'm sure I'd be pissed at first, but if a mistake is going to be made by a care provider during pregnancy or birth, I would choose this over anything else.

Iris - posted on 04/22/2011

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I wouldn't be too upset. Like said before, it's a human mistake and not a life threatening one. Of course I'd be disappointed but nothing I wouldn't get over in few days.

Charlie - posted on 04/21/2011

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It's a personal thing whether you find out or not , I did but at first I can imagnie being upset but like Dana said we are all human , it wasnt a life threatening mistake , just have to try and move on and accept that you know .

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Valerie - posted on 04/24/2011

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Personally, I could never be made at my midwife. AND the vast majority of parents want to know the sex of their baby...forgiveness is a virtue! Perhaps she needs to code charts for the parents who dont want to know so she has a clear signal in front of her...

Anna - posted on 04/24/2011

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I could understand that they wanted it to be a surprise and I could understand that shes upset but I believe that either way it goes at the end of the day they still are going to find out what the babys gender is. That sounds very interesting but I could definitely understand what she is saying about being disappointed.

Merry - posted on 04/24/2011

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Christina, that's awful! I too could tell in an instant what sex a baby is on ultrasound. I don't plan on keeping it a surprise for any babies on the future but if I change my mind I'll make sure to be crystal clear that I will be able to tell right away if it shows on the screen so warn me first! But the plus side is I've never had the tech tell me what my two babies are, both times (1 boy and 1 girl) I've been able to announce the sex before the tech! I like that cuz I don't want anyone knowing more about my babies then I do :)

Erin - posted on 04/23/2011

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@ Sarah - she's one of my YT mummy vlogger subscriptions, though I can't say I watch every video lol.

Sarah - posted on 04/23/2011

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@Christina - Oh no!! That sucks!! The tech could have warned you that she was going to be looking in that general area!! Ugghhh

Sarah - posted on 04/23/2011

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@Erin - Yep, it was Lucy! I went to school with her back in the day. :) Do you keep up with her vlogs and stuff?

Christina - posted on 04/23/2011

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Yep, it happened to me when I was pregnant with my third child. I already had a boy and a girl and wanted to be surprised. I had an ultrasound at 20wks and told them I didn't want to know. My daughter had her legs clamped and the tech couldn't get a pic anyway and told us so. She said, "Glad you don't want to know because this baby isn't giving it up!" I had another full ultrasound at 27wks because she was not growing like she should be. I told a different tech that I didn't know the gender and didn't want to know. I also told her I was a nurse. I was watching the screen and I started to yell at her. She was measuring my daughter's thigh and didn't tell me she was going to be doing that and to turn my head. I yelled, "YOU JUST RUINED IT! I can see between her legs! I didn't want to know!" The tech was shocked and said, "You can tell what I'm measuring?" I responded with, "Yes I can! That's her thigh and that right next to it is her vagina!" I was so pissed!

Erin - posted on 04/23/2011

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Sarah, are you talking about Lucy from YouTube? I just watched her vlog where she revealed the gender.

Sarah - posted on 04/23/2011

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My friend ended up telling everyone what she is having...it's a girl! :) I think she was disappointed at first, because it wasn't on her terms...but she's cool with it now. She even went out and bought the baby some little dresses. :)

The baby is healthy, so that's the most important thing. :)

[deleted account]

It happened to my cousin. She's a super nice person and just went with it. I would be disappointed, but it's not the end of the world.

[deleted account]

Did the midwife definately let slip the sex, because all the midwives I have ever dealt with (and there were many in my first pregnancy) automatically use 'he' or 'she' when talking about my baby whom we didn't know the sex of, his genitals weren't seen until he was born :-). I figured they did this because 'it' is rather impersonal when discussing someones baby even when the sex is unknown.

If someone had let slip in my first pregnancy I would have been devasted because I realy didn't want to know until I gave birth the sex just wasn't important, however, if they let slip in this one I would be peeved because I have not found out up until now (I'm 32 weeks Monday), but it wouldn't devaste me because I am at the point now where I want to know but I can wait 8 weeks :-)

Merry - posted on 04/23/2011

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April, you are invisible again! I wonder what's going on.....I only recognize you cuz your name still comes up in email notifications. Weird!

April - posted on 04/23/2011

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i don't understand that kind of slip up. If I were a midwife, I would just assume that none of my clients want to know the gender. I'd never say anything like, " Oh, she's kicking" or "He just hiccupped" . I'd wait to hear the words, "Please tell me the sex of my baby". I don't know..I feel bad for your friend. I was unfortunate and kind of a silly mistake

Shannon - posted on 04/23/2011

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I only found out the gender with my 3rd child, my son, all the rest were surprises.... (also all girls) with my youngest every ultrasound we had she hid I had a total of 4 after the 20 week mark one was a biophysical profile that lasted over an hour and a half and still no clue as to gender, the staff at the hospital were so used to people knowing the gender that the nurses were saying weight length and all that and i had to ask my husband 3 times what the gender was. Being tied to the table for the csection, i was getting perturbed lol

Mel - posted on 04/23/2011

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I would think they would be trained enough to know not to say the sex unless asked. When I went for both my scans at 20 weeks with my girls I was hanging out the whole time then at the end finally asked what the sex was, another hour later they managed to get baby #1 to show the sex, they thought it was a girl and number 2 when I asked they seemebd even surprised, they said oh do you wnat to know do you, then she checked and just said with no enthusiasm, "yeah its a little girl". I woudlnt think its something a midwife just checks for or slips up about. BUt i suppose people do make mistakes. Id be very upset and disappinted

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/23/2011

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Shit happens, and people make mistakes. That is a fact of life. I am sure she will move on soon from this, and actually grow to appreciate knowing...I mean what else can you do? Plus, ultrasounds are not 100%, she could still have a surprise.

[deleted account]

I can understand your friend's initial disappointment, but this is not her first baby. I am sure her main priority is a healthy baby. Yes, upsetting, disappointing, nothing else to look forward to for an element of surprise. Well, 1 month from now I am sure she will be over it.

Heather - posted on 04/22/2011

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My husband and I decided that come time to tell, I would ask the ultrasound tech to write it down and put it in an envelope. All over the tech's office was signs saying we can not tell you the sex of your child. So I was like cool, in the envelope and we open it together. Well in the ultrasound all I here is "well that's a boy!" Needless to say I phone my husband and told him I won the bet :) I work 3.5 hours from where I live and I commute home on the weekends. (hence the difference in him not being there for the second ultrasound)

[deleted account]

I know some moms who had all boys or girls and the do not want to know the sex of the child there carrying.In fear of being stressed out if its another girl/boy.Stress while pregnant isn't good you know, as the told me lol.Which the have a point really.Nothing the can do once baby arrives.:-)

Merry - posted on 04/22/2011

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Ohh, yeah well that would make a difference :) I guess I'd just ask them not to write it down and hope they forget :)

[deleted account]

Laura- I understand now. : ) With my babies it was the doctor and midwife doing the ultrasounds so that's why I wondered how they wouldn't know.

JuLeah - posted on 04/22/2011

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She is human and we sometimes mess up. I don't think I'd be upset, I mean why? What would it serve to be angry after the cat has left the bag?

Merry - posted on 04/22/2011

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The tech would know, but they don't make note boy or girl. So when the dr reads the techs notes etc, it doesn't say boy or girl, just notes if it's all normal. And you won't see the tech again, so they couldn't slip up.

[deleted account]

@ Laura:

How could that be possible? How would they know the genitals are normal if they didn't look at them during the ultrasounds?

[deleted account]

I agree Dana, i had an awful second pregnancy.I was always asking the sex of my baby up until 37weeks and they could not tell.My concern over her health came to light at 37 weeks.I knew i was small and i knew it had nothing to do with me being small.I was a wreck to say in the least.I had a scan to confirm what was happen.



She was a mth and half under her growth but they had no clue as to why.Anyway to make a long story short.

As i was in such an awful state over the whole situation i asked in the middle of it..what is my baby.It shocked the lady doing the scan but she told me in the end, despite saying first she wasn't there to tell me the sex of the baby.



.It was another wonderful daughter.I was so happy and it kept me going.

Its just what i needed at the moment in time.Others could not understand why i could not wait until the birth.

They did not need to understand.

She was born 3weeks and 4days later..tiny but super healthy by e/c-section.One lucky girl.One happy Mommy,Daddy and Big sis.:-)

Merry - posted on 04/22/2011

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My ob said that if I didn't tell her the sex myself then she wouldn't know. She said unless there is a problem with the reproductive system of the baby the sex isn't entered in. It just says genitals normal etc. So in my case, if I hadn't told the dr what my baby was, she never would have known......

[deleted account]

Louise- Your friend's hubs should give classes on how to be a great hubs to a pregnant wife lol. They'd make a fortune! ; )

Tracey - posted on 04/22/2011

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Annoying but not a big problem. Are the scans 100% accurate these days, they weren't when I had them years ago.
My 3 kept their legs crossed during scans so even though we wanted to find out we couldn't.

[deleted account]

I was having a boy called Nathan for the last 4mths out of my first pregancy.I gave birth to a babygirl.:-)lol

[deleted account]

With stuff like that i would let it go.If it was slip up that could of been serious for baby and mother which i had to encounter 2years ago, and on my first child, i would not let that go.

I also feel the midwife could of been a woman and spoke up and said sorry for her mistake.I think for me that would be atleast something.Trying to cover it up isn't the best way to go.Were only human, aslong as the mistake isn't serious.

Louise - posted on 04/22/2011

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A friend of mine did not want to know the sex of the baby but the father did so he found out and was sworn to secrecy. How he managed not to let slip for 5 months I don't know. As his wife went into labour he called in the decorators and painted the room and put all the nursery furniture in. When she came back with her daughter it was a pink haven. Wht a guy.

Becky - posted on 04/22/2011

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I might be a little pissed, but I'd get over it pretty quickly. We've done it both ways, didn't find out with our first, did with our second. Honestly, I don't think one way was better than the other, they were both right for the time. With our first, we didn't care what we were having and it was really exciting not to know. With the second, we were hoping for a girl, but finding out it was another boy gave me time to get used to the idea. If we have a 3rd, we won't be finding out, because it will be our last and I really want a daughter. Of course, I'd love a 3rd boy just as much, but I'd rather find out when he's born, when I know I'll fall in love instantly, than at 20 weeks, when I have 4 months left to be disappointed about it. So in that case, I'd be upset if she told me and it was a boy, but not if it turned out we were having a girl. :)

Bonnie - posted on 04/21/2011

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Personally, I don't have the patience to wait to find out the gender, but yeah I would probably be pissed too if I was told and I didn't want to be told. I guess there are better things to be pissed or upset about though!?

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2011

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Yeah, the good thing is that her baby is healthy...and that's all that matters. :)

I don't think I would have the patience to wait until the birth to find out the gender. I couldn't stand not knowing for those first 20 weeks...so I KNOW I wouldn't be able to wait another 20 lol. I liked being able to pick out a name, gender-specific clothes, etc.

Dana - posted on 04/21/2011

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That makes sense, Sarah. I suppose that surprise at the end would help to make things go easier.

April - posted on 04/21/2011

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It's hard to keep a secret like that, i know that when i got pregnant with my daughter as soon as i knew she was a girl, my husband and i agreed not to tell anyone until she was born LOL bad idea. I was talking to my MIL and i said "oh SHE'S kicking!", too late, my MIL almost keeled over with excitement. Ah well.

I'm sure the midwife feels awful about it. I'd be disappointed if i really wanted it to be a surprise. Well at least your friend can buy gender specific items for the baby now, sometimes it's more fun to know anyway. As long as the baby is born healthy thats all that really matters. :)

Mrs. - posted on 04/21/2011

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What's the big secret? I don't get it, the whole waiting thing. It's like waiting 10 months to flip a coin and then saying, "I'm so glad I waited to find out it was heads!"

It's either a girl or a boy...big deal. Why not be prepared with gender specific clothing or bedding.

Oh, I know, "there are so few surprises left."

Yes parenthood doesn't offer any surprises that could fill up your life experience...:)

I mean unless you come up with an intersexed kid...the sex of the kid really shouldn't be that much of a surprise to anyone.

Heads or tails, folks. Or inny/outie...

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2011

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@Dana - that's true...we're all just humans who make mistakes. If I was a doctor/midwife, I'd probably have a heck of a time keeping it a secret, too. I'm sure the midwife feels pretty bad. :(

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2011

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I know! It was pretty hard for her to stick with her decision to not find out. But, she really really wanted it to be a surprise. She had a homebirth with her 2nd baby (a boy), and it was a pretty long, painful, and nauseating experience for her. But, she wouldn't have done it any other way. She's having another homebirth with this baby, and she said that not knowing the gender of this baby & having it be a big surprise, would help her get through her homebirth a little more easily. But, silly midwife messed it up. :(

Dana - posted on 04/21/2011

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Oh that would suck but, we are all human and we have slip ups. :( I'm sure everyone involved feels pretty bad about it.

Jessica - posted on 04/21/2011

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I would be so pissed! I know for me, it would take a lot of commitment to stick to a decision to not find out the gender, so if I really finally decided I wanted to wait, and someone slipped up, I'd be so disappointed!

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