Miscarriages-Defined as 'Babies'?

[deleted account] ( 109 moms have responded )

This is my own fault for browsing the Miscarriage board. Also, please know this is a *highly personal* topic for each, individual woman so I am hopeful this will be a debate that won't be attacking, but more as an understanding.

So, here it goes: Are miscarried pregnancies considered babies?

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Charlie - posted on 06/08/2011

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The problem is people DO NOT talk about it and it SHOULD be talked about , it is healthy to talk and open up and really there is this big stigma around it and for such a common happening people do not understand or know about until it happens and that is just terrible .

There isnt anything you can do to stop a misscarriage but you can at least be aware that it can happen .

Dana - posted on 06/08/2011

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I don't think it should be locked at all. I think it's VERY helpful to be able to share your story. It may not be for that person but, she can't speak for the rest of us. If it's bothersome to her she shouldn't read it.
I think it's nice to be able to talk about it with others who've been in a similar situation and it makes your baby more real.

It's just like if you lost an older child. You WANT to talk about them, you want others to talk about them, that way they're not forgotten either.

Erin - posted on 06/07/2011

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It has to be the mother's decision. Whatever helps her cope is how it needs to be. If she thinks of her 5 week loss as a baby, then it was. And anyone who tells her otherwise deserves my size 10 to the side of their head.

Jodi - posted on 06/09/2011

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@ Sharon - asking a bloke if it was an actual baby, it is common sense that in general, they DON'T consider it to be a baby. They have not yet had any "connection" with it. I think the very fact that we are the ones who experience the symptoms, have the knowledge of what is growing within us, and the feeling that comes with that responsibility gives us an edge on them in that respect. My husband didn't consider my miscarriages a baby either. Because seriously, he had not yet been called upon to be a dad for those babies. But I was already being called upon to be a mother.



I don't think my husband considered my daughter a baby until we had that 18 week ultrasound and he saw her moving around, fully formed and alive.

Rosie - posted on 06/08/2011

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i personally don't feel it's offensive. how someone deals with their own experience is on them. people are different, i can't fault someone else for not feeling it to be a baby as much as they can't fault me for feeling it is a baby. we all react to things differently. i certainly dont' feel you are chastising anyone for feeling a miscarriage is a baby. you're just tryng to understand which i think is commendable.

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ANGEL - posted on 07/09/2011

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Yes I do I lost my son Noah at 16 weeks and 1 day and I will always have to memory of him I almost lost him at 12 weeks due to having bleeding and now the doctor thinks that the 12 week bleeding was part of the reason he didnt make it but Yes I think of Noah as a baby He was born and everything so yes

[deleted account]

Thanks for clarifying your reply Tonya.
"There are some very young mothers that wonder if it is or isn't a baby"

Just speaking on behalf of myself, but my fist m/c was when I was 29, the 2nd was when I was 30, and 3rd m/c at 31 years old. I'm 38 now, and certainly don't qualify as a very young mom. But regardless of age, it is an individual woman's perspective whether a miscarriage is still counted as a baby or not. For me personally, I am very comfortable by saying "I had 4 pregnancies, but I have 1 child". Those 3 other pregnancies simply dont count for me, or for my husband as a baby, but for many other moms, the opposite is true.
"

Tonya - posted on 07/04/2011

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I was not trying to be disrespectful in this but once a sperm and egg unite it has formed a baby as it has a heartbeat. As for the you and your it was not directed at anyone in particular. But if you do not feel that a miscarriage is a baby that is your opinion and you are entitled to it. If I have offended anyone I am sorry but I stand on my beliefs. To anyone and everyone who has miscarried whether it be one or many I am sorry. To those who still grieve today I understand your pain my first was 22 yrs ago and my last was 3 yrs ago and I still think about it and wonder why and what did I do especially on my last cause I heard the heartbeat 2 days prior and then my child was gone. Some how it has changed me on how I look at my kids and other kids today. I guess it has made me more appeciative of them and know they can be taken in a blink of an eye than what I realized before. I am not so caught up in my world but in theirs. I hope I am making sense. Oh as for the confusion if that was taken to be a directive at anyone it was not meant to. There are some very young mothers that wonder if it is or isn't a baby all to how they were brought up or not told and I just gave my opinion and if I am in the wrong for stating my opinion please for give me. God Bless each and everyone.

[deleted account]

@Maria- I asusmed that Tonya's post was directed to me because of the pronouns "you" & "your" and I was the original poster. Plus, I am in the minority in my beleifs over this issue. I would never ever tell a woman how to grieve over a pregnancy lost, no matter if it was just a few weeks, or much much further along and was required to deliver a baby There are so many levels of grief and every woman and couple experiences their grief differently. I just happen to be past all that. I do admit I was taken aback by being called confused! I mean, what is there to be confused about? She thinks of her pregnancy losses as a baby, I do not. No confusion there!

[deleted account]

@SARA: Oh i guess i thought she got a little take aback about being called confused but i didnt think she was putting her down. who knows tho! haha thats why posts can be taken in so many different ways! Its crazy :)

Sharon - posted on 07/04/2011

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I miscarried at 10wks, and do consider he/her a baby as I feel they became a MY baby when their heart started beating. However I do not grieve on the due date, nor on the date I miscarried. I did fall pregnant 6wks later, so I truely believe that helped me 'move on'.

Vicki - posted on 07/04/2011

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Officially, and scientifically, I would say no, an early miscarriage is not a baby. I'm always worried about calling early pregnancies babies as I am pro-choice.

However, for a mother who is grieving the loss of her pregnancy it may help her to think of the loss as her baby. Certainly once I was pregnant I was imagining a baby. If I had lost it though I would have been grieving the baby that the zygote may have grown into, rather than a baby itself. I would never ever say 'it's just a bunch of cells' to a woman who has just miscarried, anyone who says that has no ounce of compassion!

Jane - posted on 07/03/2011

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In any case, this sort of classification is very personal. Each individual mom who loses a child will have her own feelings about this. I suspect there will never be a single answer to this question.

[deleted account]

I don't think Sharon took it offensively...I read her reply as her trying to explain her stance more clearly.

[deleted account]

TO SHARON: Hm i dont know if maybe you read Tonya;s post wrong or if i am in fact the one reading it incorrectly but i think she was trying to be helpful not offensive. I dont kno just sayin. . .

[deleted account]

@Tonya, I'd like to point out that not all miscarriages are babies. I had a blighted ovum, which means there was a sac growing, but no embryo...no life. Personally, I DID feel like I'd lost a baby, because I was ttc at the time. It took me a year to come to terms with the fact that there really was never a baby there. We just all deal with it differently.

Jennifer - posted on 07/03/2011

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Btw, I don't share your views, but your post wasn't offensive to me. I think talking about it is good, and the fact that so many women have responded means many need this! And to the women who don;t feel that they lost a baby, be careful talking to other women who may feel otherwise, but leave the guilt!! No one deserves it.

[deleted account]

Quoting Tonya “I am sorry if you are confused on the whole is a miscarriage a baby. I hope this helps clear up some of your confusion “

Can I assume this was directed at me since I am the original poster and have a differing opinion? Sorry to say this, but I am NOT confused in the least. I personally do not think of my previous 3 early trimester miscarriages as babies. There’s nothing to be confused about it. They are simply not babies. I have 1 child, and never think of the past as additional kids. My husband feels the same as I do. If I was much further along in my pregnancies I may have felt different. But I am personally not confused at all!

Tonya - posted on 07/03/2011

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I am sorry if you are confused on the whole is a miscarriage a baby. In my opinion yes it is a baby and it was from when God allowed the woman to get pregnant cause it took on a life even though when a woman miscarries it dies and she mourns her loss. I had 2 miscarriages one at 10 weeks and the doctor said I was big enough for it to have been twins and my other I was around 8 weeks. I took them very hard cause on my last one when they checked me there was a heart beat and they said everything was fine then 2 days later I lost the baby. I felt like it was my fault. We were so excited to have another baby especially at my age of 40. Now ask other people they say oh no it is not a baby cause you could not see it or hold it wrong it was a baby cause it had a heartbeat that is why it is called a baby. Do you ever get over the miscarriages no but you do just move on and they are hardly talked about. I am just thankful to God he allowed me to get pregnant again shortly after and i have another beautiful energetic little boy who will be 2 in September. I hope this helps clear up some of your confusion

Jennifer - posted on 07/03/2011

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Hannah Noelle was the name of my baby that I never got to raise. I was 7 and 1/2 months along. I only got to hold her for 15 mins, but her little face is etched in my memory forever. She would be 17 now. Maybe I would feel different if I hadn't been as far along, but I doubt it. I feel grateful I got to hold her at all. So many women don't get that, they don't even know the sex of their lost baby. Yes, she was a baby, a person. The most hurtful thing ever said to me was by a nurse there for the delivery. "was this planned?" "no" "oh, good, you don't have any reason to be sad then!" I sometimes still wish I had hurt that.............

Jakki - posted on 06/15/2011

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In the first 12 months after we started trying for a baby I think I had several miscarriages at about 5 weeks. It was so early that I really didn't think of them as individuals that were lost. I was very sad at the time because I was starting to think it would never happen and there was that rollercoaster of emotion of getting the positive test, thinking about it, then wham, gone. But in the end I started the think about it as being the one little person that was trying to come out and be with us.

Each time she failed she would just go back and re-group and have another try at life!

In the end, I got pregnant 2 weeks after a miscarriage, and she ended up being my first baby. Happy days!

Becky - posted on 06/14/2011

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I'm pretty sure my husband considers this our baby. He prays for the baby every night. He's even calling it "her" already, even though I'm only 6 weeks along! Guess we know what he's hoping for! :)

Chasity - posted on 06/14/2011

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In my heart they are. I have had tree losses one was just a sac 9 weeks another was an embryo with no heart beat at 12 weeks and another I lost at 7 weeks naturally no D&C or ultrasound. I feel from the moment sperm meets egg its a life with value and purpose. I still think about the three children that should have been but I know tyhat two of my living children would not be here if I never lost those pregnancies so things happen for a reason, I love my angel babies more then words can express and they will always be close to my heart.

[deleted account]

Ive fortunately havent experienced that thus far but to me if it were to ever happen i would definitely consider it as I lost a child.

Casey - posted on 06/11/2011

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Hmmmm this is a tough one I have also had 3 miscarriages in the past and even though I don't dwell on them now I still find myself saying "I have lost 3 babies" even though they weren't fully formed babies I still can't help but think of them as a little life that never happened.

Corena - posted on 06/10/2011

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Loureen:
www.derekusher.com click on listen, his whole album is there at the top. The whispery voice is me...yeah...that was hard to do...

Karla - posted on 06/10/2011

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I felt like I lost a baby even though it was only 10weeks. The instant I saw the pregnancy test was positive, my plans and dreams for the future changed, my life changed. And when I lost the baby many of those plans and hopes were gone.

Charlie - posted on 06/10/2011

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That sounded beautiful and heartbreaking Corena , I only got to hear a small sample do you have a link to the whole song ?

Corena - posted on 06/10/2011

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My husband was almost as upset as I was when we miscarried. He is a musician and wrote a song about it using the diary I started when I learned I was pregnant. You can google it if you want. His name is Derek Usher and the song is Baby Love.

Merry - posted on 06/10/2011

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I've never miscarried that I know of but when I found out I was pregnant both times I immediately believed it was my baby. I believe in life from conception and I cried when I found out that the birth control I used for 9 months can cause a fertilized embryo to disintegrate. To me, it's my baby even before implantation.

And while trying to conceive the second time I was breastfeeding my son still and each period I'd wonder if the breastfeeding had caused me to loose a baby.

When I was 5 weeks with Eric,our first, we found out we were pregnant and that minute I felt I was a mom. I told everyone I was a mom and matt was a dad. If we had lost Eric early on I still would consider myself a mom starting then.

Matt called himself a dad too, talked to the baby, etc, and yet even when I was 9 months hr still had his moments where he said, are you sure we are having a baby? He had a hard time getting his hopes up all the way, he worried he would loose it if he got too attached.

My friend had a stil born, his name is Scott, and she has his ashes in an urn in her living room, she counts him as a child and always says my two boys, one here and one in heaven. It's so sad, but I feel she is coping really well and I'm proud that she is able to think about him positively and she doesn't try to forget the pain.



I'm so sorry for all you who lost babies or pregnancies or show ever you cal it. It's awful how common this is, and I pray I don't have to go tnrough it but I'm glad to see if I ever do, I wouldn't be alone.

Lesa - posted on 06/10/2011

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I think some men feel like it is a loss of a dream as well. I know that when we decided to have another child it was a joint decision and we worked at it together :-) Then when I told him I was pregnant he was over the moon! He talked to my belly and I know that to him it was his child. His hopes, his dreams, wondering what it was. When I lost the baby all those dreams died too. But like I said earlier as life moved on and we got our little miracle, I can now say that some things happen for a reason and we are much stronger because of it.

Amy - posted on 06/10/2011

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When I miscarried and saw tiny legs, arms, face...yes. I saw it as a baby.

Corena - posted on 06/10/2011

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After 9 years of trying to get pregnant, I did and then miscarried at about 12 weeks. Yes, I lost my child. It still breaks my heart.

The good news is that 2 years later I got pregnant again and now have a beautiful 2 year old boy!

Jamie - posted on 06/10/2011

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I consider my miscarriage a baby. I even know that he/she would be turning 2 soon had the pregnancy gone full term and the baby survived. I don't think a man would consider it a baby. At least not until maybe 20 weeks or more, when the moms belly starts to grow.

[deleted account]

I have never experienced a miscarriage thankfully but I would consider them babies. I know how hard it was when the doctor told my husband and I we may not be able to have kids. Thankfully they were wrong and I now have two little boys. I talked to them from the second I got a positive pregnancy test because I knew with my 1 st it may have been my one and only time pregnant and more children may not have followed. I would have and did consider them my babies even early on. I can't imagine losing one even in the first couple weeks.

Nikki - posted on 06/10/2011

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As a mom who has had 5 miscarriages, I have to say i feel that they were lost babies. I believe that life begins at conception, the heart beats as early as 26 day gestation and when a heart stops beating an individual dies. Do I feel that God was punishing me by taking them away, I did for a while after the first one. I came to find out that it was a medical problem with my body that was causing them. So short answer, Yes.

Dana - posted on 06/10/2011

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Lesa, it is amazing yet unfair the pressure that's put on men. I know my husband is the kind of guy who feels like he needs to be the rock and be there for me but, I felt bad that he couldn't just let it ALL hang out. I know he feared it would make me upset more.



I also felt bad from his perspective because other people assume men don't care. When we would be out and about to see friends or family afterwards, people would express how sorry they were to me but, not to him. Even at his work, I asked how it went when he told everyone that we lost the baby, people were just like "Oh wow, that sucks'...you'd never see anyone say that to a woman!



So, sometimes I think it's ingrained in men, by society, that they're not supposed to have a negative reaction to the loss of their babies.

Teresa - posted on 06/10/2011

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They are in my book. I had two losses, 3 babies involved. While my state would not recognize them as such and even my own mother made the comment that they weren't really babies, they were MY babies that didn't get to be born. They had no legal standing but we conceived them. They were our children.

Lesa - posted on 06/10/2011

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I know my husband felt he had to be strong for me so he didn't "show" me how upset he really was until he couldn't hold back his emotions in the baby section at walmart. He was there when I needed to cry and vent. He just held me and listened.

Charlie - posted on 06/09/2011

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Jamie was as devastated as I was , we were both excited , it was after all our first child , we had plans , Jamie sang and played his guitar to my belly we had both formed an attachment afterwards we both cried for a long time , he sat and held our baby ( 15 weeks ) and saw his first child , he buried his child and worse he had to see his child a couple of days after I had miscarried just before he buried Jackson , he wouldnt let me see him because he knew it would kill me and I am glad he didnt .



But all through this he was my rock , he comforted me and I am sure he held a lot back all though he did express his grief .

Jennifer - posted on 06/09/2011

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I agree that men don't usually connect with their children until after they are born, but I wish all men who are having sex thought about parenthood, women too, before they find themselves pregnant. A pregnant women may think of herself as a mom but the man should also think of himself as a dad. He already has a role to play - provide for his family, take care of the mom, start planning for how they will care for the child. It is better for everyone when both parents are connected to each other and the child even during pregnancy. Yes, it makes it harder if you lose a pregnancy but even then my husband and I are more bonded because of what we have shared, the good and the bad.

Tara - posted on 06/09/2011

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My ex husband did consider our miscarriage a baby as well. At first he was angry, why why why?
Then sad and despondent, he didn't want to try again for a long time, he felt it would be a betrayal to the baby we lost.
We conceived Alyssa a week or so after my due date with our lost baby. Incidentally he felt it should be named and he felt it was a girl so he named "her".
A year to the date of our miscarriage he bought me a card that had a baby raccoon on the front and on the inside it said "I miss you. Love Ani"
It was kind of weird actually, because while I felt sad when I thought about it, I didn't think about it every day. And by then I was pregnant with Alyssa and very happy albeit nervous and didn't want to feel sad.
Interesting.

Jennifer - posted on 06/09/2011

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Candyce, love your comment! Even undeveloped adults are still people! :)

Candyce - posted on 06/09/2011

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Absolutely. Wanted or not, full-term or not. It seems a little dumb to say "potential baby". Undeveloped, sure, but there are a lot of adults who are undeveloped. An acorn is still genetically a tree, just in a different stage of life.

Jennifer - posted on 06/09/2011

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My husband took our 7 week loss harder than I did. I was really hurt, but got over it a lot sooner than he did. And then we lost our son at 20 weeks. That was a whole different situation and both of us were devastated. But we always considered our pregnancies our children.

ME - posted on 06/09/2011

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I've had family and friends lose babies after 20 weeks...all of them I consider to be babies. They were wanted, loved, and longed for...they were expected, they were named, they were babies...I don't know how I feel about losing a pregnancy prior to 8 weeks...I will have to think about it some more...

Lesa - posted on 06/09/2011

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About a month or so after my first miscarriage, I had to go to the baby section at wal-mart to get diapers for my son. On the way through I stopped and looked at clothes for him. My husband left me there and I had a hard time finding him afterward. Once I found him, I asked if why he left and he told me that it was too soon to be in the baby section. I had no idea that he was as affected by the miscarriage as I was so I'm guessing that he viewed it as a baby too.

[deleted account]

OK, I just asked hubby if he considered any of our losses "babies". He does not-so we are of the same feeling. We both discussed if I was further along and actually had to deliver a still born, well then most certainly yes, that would have been a baby.

Dana - posted on 06/09/2011

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Aw, that's heart breaking Mary.



Matt was pretty devastated with our miscarriage too. I did more of the talking but, he shared his feelings during those talks with me. I had a rough couple of weeks after my miscarriage and then months too. He was always there, holding me if I broke down and doing everything I could have asked for. I'll never forget what a wonderful man he was during that time.

Mary - posted on 06/09/2011

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Sharon, it's funny you bring that up. One of the key things that I was taught in my certification for perinatal bereavement is about the differences in grieving between mothers and fathers with the loss of a pregnancy and/or child. Usually men are much more prone to respond in the way Sara H's husband did. Even when they do think of it as a baby, they tend to keep those thought and feelings to themselves.

I was actually pretty surprised that my husband took our miscarriage as hard as he did. While he did not have the infertility history I did, he was 41 whn we got married, and had pretty much resolved himself to the fact that children of his own were not in the cards for him. He had always wanted kids, so my unexpected pregnancy was a HUGE thrill for him. He was devastated when I miscarried, but, at the time, I really thought it was more of an empathetic response to my sorrow. He cried the day I told him there was no heartbeat...but after that, he mostly just listened when I talked about it, never saying a whole lot about his feelings or thoughts.

It wasn't until the due date for that baby came around (I was pregnant with Molly by then), that he shocked me by actually knowing what day it was, and saying that he still thought about that baby, and what could have been.

[deleted account]

Yes, it is comforting to have this discussion. But I am curious what our husbands/signifigant others think. I'm going to ask my husband if he considered any of my miscarriages as 'babies' or not. I'll let you know and if some of you could find out that would be a great addition to the conversation.

Gina - posted on 06/09/2011

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To all you ladies who lost a baby, my heart goes out to all of you. I really didn't realise how many of us have lost a child.It does help to talk about it especially to others who have gone through the same pain.Dana S,and the ladies pregnant, I hope you have a healthy baby in your arms soon. Hugs to you all

Madeline - posted on 06/09/2011

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I believe once you know you are pregnant, once you hear that first additional heart beat of that small, precious person inside of you. It's defiantly a baby. If Doctors can determine that heart beat buried all the way in your womb, its a baby.

Everyone is going to be objective about this and it's each to their own, freedom of speech.

I lost my baby at 13 weeks old, under extremely unfortunate events and till this day I classify he or she as my child, that was almost 2 years ago.

Some people grieve differently, and try to block out the truth to move forward, which is fine for them but not always others. As its their way of grieving, to have an answer for the unfortunate event that just happened.

Sal - posted on 06/09/2011

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they are to the mum who lost them, i understand why medical and legally there needs to be a set gestation period for definition purposes, but to a mum once you know you are pregnant it is a baby...

Cynthia - posted on 06/09/2011

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i lost my baby at 13 weeks. yes it was a baby. there was a heart beat and there was a life. I don't know what else to call it. i don't understand why it would not be a baby.

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