My husband wants strangers to stay when i have a new baby! Am i overreacting?

Storm - posted on 08/03/2012 ( 20 moms have responded )

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My husband has his sister and her boyfriend coming 2 days after my due date. i've never met her before and he wants to plan all this damn stuff with her, and i'm freaking out! It's my first baby and i dunno, i've heard i'm gonna be a wreck, at my worst! I can't believe he expects all this from me, and expects to be able to be off with his sister when i need him the most i'll ever need him! He expects i'll be able to do some things, even with a baby that's a few day old (if that!) Am i overreacting?

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Elfrieda - posted on 08/04/2012

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I think he doesn't know what having a newborn will be like. Has he read any books or taken a class? "So You're Going to Be a Dad" by Peter Downey is one that my husband got passed to him before our son was born, and he's recommended it to other men.



Have you talked to him calmly? Just explain that other women have told you that you feel very tired and sore and weepy in the days right after the baby is born, and you'll really need his help. You don't feel like you could host. Also, that the baby might not even be born yet, and you'd like to spend some time getting to know his sister, not just focussed on the baby the whole time.



If it's possible, maybe they could delay their visit by a few weeks, or if not, at least he'll have a more realistic idea of what it will be like. (they will have to amuse themselves a lot of the time, and either he'll be on the hook for house cleaning and cooking or you'll have to order in food.)



To me it sounds like he just doesn't realize. Maybe he thinks: 1) the due date is the day the baby comes, guaranteed. 2) giving birth is like having dental work done... yes it hurts a bit, but when it's over you're fine to get on with life. 3) Having a baby is like getting a kitten. Yes, it changes your life in small ways, but mostly you carry on as usual. 4) He's so excited about seeing his sister and showing off his family that he's losing sight of reality a bit.



So just explain what your thoughts are, listen to what he was thinking, and maybe you'll be able to come up with a solution. I don't think it's necessarily bad that they will stay with you. Just don't expect to do any hosting. And tell your husband, "I'm looking forward to meeting her, but just so you're aware, I won't be able to be as hospitable as I would be normally. You'll have to be the one to take their coats, get them drinks, feed them, make the beds, set out towels, etc. My contribution will be sitting in the living room and being friendly. I'll try to help you by reminding you if I see something that needs doing, but I'm afraid you'll be on your own for the most part. All this stuff that you're planning sounds fun, but I might not be able to do all of it. I think it's good that you're planning it, though, because then Sister and Boyfriend can go out and have fun while we're home getting used to our baby. I'm going to need lots of help, because I don't know what to do with a baby!"

Elfrieda - posted on 08/06/2012

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@Tina, it's not that way for everybody. I felt very cabin-feverish after the first day and was very happy when people came to visit. I didn't mind trying to nurse in front of them, if there were men I suggested that my husband show them our new stroller or go outside and check what the weather was like or something and they would run over to the next room while I tried to latch the baby on. Of course, it makes a difference that I didn't have any insensitive visitors. Most people brought food, and some washed dishes or ran errands. All of them made me laugh and I was glad to see them. But just saying, not everybody wants a "babymoon" where the only people you see are the baby and your husband for weeks. It probably depends on personality.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/03/2012

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Oh damn. Your husband has no idea how that will be for you or him. Hell, you might have a c section and still be in the hospital. Plus you need your rest. I think it is expecting an awful lot from you. I was freaking out that my husband wanted my in laws here right after my daughter was born. I know them well (lived with them for a bit) and love them a great deal. I just knew I was not going to be ready for that. I don't think you are over reacting. I think he just doesn't know the reality of a new born. You both need bonding time.

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Tina - posted on 08/08/2012

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Oh man. Almost sounds like Everybody loves Raymond with the inlaws accross the road don't get me wrong my inlaws aren't too bad. I love my family but yeah that'd be too close for me lol. I got to say Eilfrieda I felt like that with the second was meant to be in hospital for 5 days demand to leave after 3 and I looked forward to visits. But I just never got a break with the first. I also had my mum staying with me. While I was in hospital I think I only managed one small sleep because my little man was a night owl. Now 2 still is lol. Day time was the only chance I got a rest when people were constantly in and out. I even had a sign on the door that didn't deter people. I couldn't really try to feed without sufficating my little boy lol. So I had to sort of bare all I wasn't very comfortable with people coming in and out all the time. Then having to go out all the time. Was just a nightmare for me. I certainly look forward to visits now though lol



I certainly wish you the best of luck storm. If they become pushy remind them you're the mother. :)

Kristi - posted on 08/08/2012

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1--Congratulations on your new baby! (here yet or not)



2--I will pray for you and wish you some seriously good luck...IMO, people are expecting WAY too much from you and you are expecting WAY too much of yourself.



3--You should at least be afforded the right to decide who you want around and when. This is your first child and you have no idea how you're going to feel after he/she is born. Flexibility is a must for everyone but you. YOU and your baby should be running the show. Your husband should be making sure "the show" is comfortable and relaxed as much as possible.



4--Having a baby is the most "girlie" thing a woman can do but I think (and hope) you will grow a pair when it comes to putting your baby's needs (you are the main thing he/she is going to need) first, instead of always catering to everyone else. I'm not saying to be a b****. Of course you can be hospitable but you are not responsible for how other people choose to feel or how they choose to behave.



5--Elfrieda's advice was excellent! Take good note of it.



6--See #1 and enjoy your new bundle of love!

Storm - posted on 08/07/2012

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Thanks EVERYONE for your amazing comments you've all helped me feel like i'm not overreacting and Elfrieda... i thought your response was very level headed. Some of you made me laugh like the 6 friends over to help... good plan! Krista E, he didn't ask me, him and my mom planned for her to come... they may stay next door as ALL my inlaws... a mom and 2 aunts live next to our window! But still feel they'll pop in all the time whenever, as i KNOW my mother in law does... she already does at least 3 times a day anyway in the weekends and she'll be excited to see the baby every day, i think i'm in for it! And she's so senstitive you can't ask her to back off or else i'll never hear the end of it and my hubby takes her side so quick! I have to just keep peace all the time! And with his sister here... well he'll either be over there 24/7 or they'll be with me! Wish me luck... X Thanks lovely ladies

Krista - posted on 08/07/2012

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I wouldn't be comfortable with it, and I don't blame you, either. It'd be one thing if you knew her well and were comfortable with her. But like it or not, where she IS a stranger, you very well might feel like you have to be a hostess. Frankly, after I had my son, the only people who were really welcome were my mom and my MIL, because I knew they didn't expect anything -- they were solely there to help. Nor were they fazed by the fact that I looked like warmed-over hell.

The thing is, regardless of whether you're comfortable with company or not, the important question is this: did your husband ASK you before inviting these people? Or did he just invite them and then notify you about it afterwards? Because even if you WEREN'T pregnant, I think it's incredibly inconsiderate of one spouse to invite overnight guests without first clearing it with the other spouse. If he'd talked to you first, you could have expressed your concerns. But now he's put you in a very awkward position, and I would be very, very annoyed with him for that.

Stifler's - posted on 08/06/2012

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Me too Elfrieda I was traipsing up to blackdown table land and going out for lunch by the time Logan was a week old! We also had Desrae stay and it stressed me out a lot less than being alone with the new baby while Damian was at work. They planned and did stuff and I went too. If you happen to have a caesar I'm sure there are things you can all do. I remember going out for dinner with my stitches still in because my parents were there.

Tracey - posted on 08/06/2012

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How would he react if you said, that's OK I'm inviting half a dozen friends to stay that week to help me with the baby seeing as you plan to be out when I need you?

Tina - posted on 08/06/2012

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I can honestly say after having a baby you wont want visitors full stop let alone stranger or him going off without you when you really need him. Also depending on how the birth goes you may need a lot of help. Can you ask if he'll compromise and give it a couple of weeks for you and baby to settle into a routine before they come and stay. At least so you can recover from birth as well since you're going to be tired looking after a little one you're got going to want to entertain guests. I had an emergency c section with mine and on top of trying to breast feed and people constantly dropping in it really made things more stressful especially when my baby wouldn't latch either. Then I was expected to also go visit people. I would love to have just been home with my baby and settle in. I just think he needs to compromise a little do you know anyone that's had a baby who can maybe explain to him what it can be like.

Samantha - posted on 08/05/2012

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Vicki makes a good point, I can say the same thing...except I was just in the mesh panties! haha!

Samantha - posted on 08/05/2012

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I'm 3 weeks post partum with my first baby now, I can tell you the first week at least, you cannot move around much. I'm 25 and very active and self-reliant, and I still needed so much help in that first week, (the second week I started doing laundry and washing dishes, but my midwife kept telling me not to.) We basically live in a studio apt so very low maintainance, if you live in a house then you will definitely need help, and you will not be in a state to do anything for anyone else, just you, and baby. if the sister and boyfriend are going to wait on you and do your cleaning then that would be great.
Also, the due date is rarely accurate unless you are getting induced (which I do not recommend!!) Babies don't keep a calendar with them in the womb. They can come 2 weeks before or after the EDD. What if you go into labor while the sister is there? You do not need the extra stress of having people who are basically strangers at the birth and in your house. (I had a homebirth, so same difference, I only had my midwife and her assistant, my doula, and my husband with me)
Bottom line, stress is absolutely prohibited during this precious time!!
stress prolongs and complicates labor, delays and lowers breastmilk production, and is bad for you and baby!
Talk to your husband ASAP!

Stifler's - posted on 08/03/2012

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Of course you're in the right. Your husband doesn't matter AT ALL in this equation he's just your baby's dad.......



His wishes are 100% irrelevant.

MeMe - posted on 08/03/2012

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Nope not over reacting at all. No one is invited at my home for at least a week or two, unless it is my in-laws and they have food! LOL Even then, I just want them to come in and leave. I don't know about everyone else but I had to have c-sections and I surely am not in a hostess mood. I am barely in a friendly mood.

I think your husband needs to reassess and perhaps realize it is you that will need LOADS of help. He can't be taking off trying to entertain others. That is just not right, in my books.

Corinne - posted on 08/03/2012

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I don't think you are over reacting at all! I'd be so angry if my fella had done something like this. He needs to understand that you will be at your most vulnerable at this time and the last thing you need is strangers in your 'nest'. Does he 'get' what labour and birth will be like? Has he been to classes with you? I would sit him down and talk about it, then maybe show him some clips of labour and birth, any documentary type things you can find, and ask him if he thinks it fair that you go through all that, then have to deal with his daft outings and two strangers in your home. Get your midwife / dr to talk to him if you have to. Do not put yourself out to deal with them, take care of yourself and your baby. If you don't feel 'up to' any trips - don't go. Good luck.

Rosie - posted on 08/03/2012

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i don't think you are overreacting at all. you might be in the hospital still first. you might not of even had the baby at that time, and maybe go in labor while you are all out on your stupid adventures that he has planned.
i do think that they could be helpful for you if you asked them, and made their stay into about helping you instead of what your hubby has planned.

Vicki - posted on 08/03/2012

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The only people allowed in my house the first few days were those who were comfortable with me in my pjs with the top unbuttoned, boobs generally out. I looked like crap. No way would I have wanted strangers there. He's asking way too much of you.

Janice - posted on 08/03/2012

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I do not think you are overreacting at all.
1. You could still be pregnant and go into labor while she is there and then there would be the issue of what the sister will want while you need your man the most.
2. Giving birth takes a lot out of you. It will be a bit before you really want to be out and about for more than an hour or so. With my second I did go grocery shopping when he was 5 days old. I had him in a wrap/carrier and my daughter & hubby were with me. It was okay but I was exhausted and in pain when we got home.
3. You absolutely will not have time to play hostess with a new baby. Make sure your boyfriend understands that housework and cooking will be his responsibility for a bit. My hubby was home from work for a week after each of children were born in order to help me out.
4. If you are going to breastfeed you will be stuck away by yourself a lot because its hard not to be "flashy" in the early days and actually easier to learn how if you are topless. I was 1/2 naked a lot in the first weeks my kids were born, more so with my first.

Now you may get lucky and his sister may actually be really helpful, but I would see if she could wait a few weeks to come out to visit. Or atleast make your boyfriend understand what your limitations will be.

Storm - posted on 08/03/2012

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Hi Lacye... thanks so much. I feel your response is a level headed one, and I can calm down a little from all these crazy preggie hormones! Thanks for calming me a little :-)

Lacye - posted on 08/03/2012

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Not really. When I had my first child, I was in super mommy mode and would bite off people's head if they got to close to the baby. Now I'll admit, I had no problem getting around and doing things even with the newborn, but I was still wary about people I don't really know being around my child. Just try to talk to him about it. You might not be able to change his mind about his sister coming over, but you might be able to get him to slow his plans down to a pace that will be comfortable for you and the baby.

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