Mrs. - posted on 03/05/2012 ( 19 moms have responded )
As some of you may remember me commenting, my daughter was a total surprise. I've had bad endometriosis my whole adult life and when I was 25 my docs said I would never get pregnant naturally. I had a lot of unprotected sex with my long term ex-bf and it always confirmed this conclusion. However, when my husband came along, we got pregnant the first time we had sex.
Well, I guess I started to think maybe, I could have babies easily and it was just my docs ignorance and the fact that my ex was a pot head that made it hard...sometimes I would think that my daughter was just a fluke or a "miracle" if you are religious (which I'm not), but it would quickly be followed by thoughts of my ex's sperm being stoned and lonely down there.
However, after last October, I had a late period that was extremely heavy, like insanely heavy. My TCM doc is certain it was a miscarriage and it was predated by one incident of unprotected sex. It also messed with my hormones and my body has been recovering ever since.
I was finally feeling okay and one night last month, while I was ovulating, we had unprotected sex again. My period was very late again this month and it seems again to be quite heavy. Along with that, I'm very sad. I wanted very much, more than I cared to admit, to be pregnant.
When I was young and told it would never happened...I adjusted and dealt with it. Now though, after I've had a baby and know what it really means...and are with someone I want to be with, it is harder to adjust to the loss.
I'm not getting any younger, I'm turning 36 in a few months and my husband is a year older. I think it might be time to just get rid of the condoms, expectations or hopes about it happening and just let it be what it is going to be.
Have any of you had experiences with miscarriage and fertility after having a healthy first pregnancy? Have you found just letting go of the outcome and living your life regardless helpful? I'm just not sure I can deal with the stress each month of wanting it to happen and knowing it may never happen. Or worse, putting my life on hold with my daughter and husband waiting for a baby that'll never be.
Sorry, I would normally discuss this on another board or with family/friends. I just find the whole subject hard to talk about around those who know me and easier with strangers. Hey, that's what the net is for!