open marriage..

Tah - posted on 08/11/2010 ( 125 moms have responded )

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i am hearing more and more people saying this is the way to go...no thank you...what happened to the forsaking all others?..i would just like to hear what is so great about sharing yourself and your spouse with other people....why are people chosing to live like this? now one person said that she agrees with it because he was gonna cheat anyway..that was no good reason to me, is she that desperate to have him that she gave him the green light so that she could still have a piece of him, because haing some is not always better than having nothing. so what some other reasons?...i need to hear this..

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Johnny - posted on 08/11/2010

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Just wanted to point out that people who choose to have open marriages are not actually cheating. Cheating requires a betrayal, a lie, going behind your spouse's back. If 2 people mutually agree & prefer not to be exclusive, it is not then cheating.

C. - posted on 08/14/2010

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Carol (not sure if that was directed at me or not), when I say 'exclusive', I mean more than just sex. When in a marriage, it is imperative to be exclusive emotionally as well as physically. If someone isn't exclusive to their partner emotionally as well as physically, it can bring some nasty jealousy out of the spouse whether or not it was the spouse's idea.



And if the spouse is the one mentioning it, well, that just shows that they are immature and want only fantasies or their SO was never really good enough for them in the first place. You should NEVER NEED to have an open marriage. If you do, there was something wrong from the start that you didn't see. And if it was both of your ideas.. What was the point in committing by getting married?



Jenny, you may resent that comment, but that's the way I feel, so I cannot truly apologize. But if you 'have' to have an open marriage, it was never really a marriage to begin with and you never loved that person enough for them to BE enough. I believe if you truly love ONE person and either commit or get married to them, you STAY with that ONE person. Otherwise it was never really love in the first place, only infatuation.



"Sometimes sex is fun, imagine that. "



Well, my husband ALWAYS makes sex fun. Maybe that's why I don't see the need to go out and find someone else? Your spouse should always make your sex life fun and exciting and it does not have to include other people.

Johnny - posted on 08/12/2010

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Well, here I am going to continue on making no sense. ;-P



Isn't marriage REALLY about building a life together? The shape that your life as a couple takes is entirely up to you. For me and my husband, it is about being each others friend, confidant, support, child-rearing partner, political and spiritual inspiration, hand-to-hold, and sexual companion. We like to spend time doing things together, we like to discuss politics, spirituality, and science, we like to make a lot of noise in the bedroom, and we like to watch Jeopardy & keep score. Our life doesn't include other sexual partners. But we do have other close friends, people who may fill roles in our life that other people might think that only your spouse should fill. These may not be sexual roles, but they are important and quite intimate.



For some people, having other sexual partners would ruin what is special about their marriage, but that is just not the case for everyone. I find it rather sad that people are so caught up about sex that they can't see that many of us share intimacies with people outside their marriage that just don't happen to be sexual.



And I just want to say that it may seem odd that I am passionate about this issue because I am not in an open marriage. But I used to have a co-worker that was. It was publicly revealed on her facebook page by an acquaintance who had seen her ad on a swinger's site. She lost virtually all of her friends, was ostracized by her family and her co-workers, and sank into a deep depression. The only person who was truly there for her and got her through it was her husband. He actually quit his job (a really good one) so that they could relocate to another city and start fresh. They are still happily married and each other's best friend.



The judgmental nastiness that so many people have about open marriage can be really destructive to those that choose to pursue it. I think of this like I do with any other sexuality issue, like homosexuality or transgender etc.. People have the right to do what they choose in the bedroom, as long as it is being conducted between consenting adults. If we want to be free to enjoy our own relationships in the way we choose to conduct them, without being judged or vilified for those choices, we should show others the same courtesy.

Johnny - posted on 08/19/2010

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That's the thing Krista, I can't see myself being willing to do that. Mostly, because I really like, love, and am totally hot for my hubby and I just don't need anyone else. And I like it being "just the two of us". But I completely do not agree that this is a moral issue. If it is done with care, compassion, empathy, and dignity (between the spouses) there is no harm being done. I suspect that it is very often not done that way, because it seems that people often open their marriages for all the wrong reasons (like to avoid their spouse cheating anyway). And thus turns out badly. But in and of itself, choosing to have relations outside the marriage is not immoral, unless your specific holy book tells you it is. And then that only applies to you, and not others who do not share your beliefs (the general "you", no one specifically targeted here).

[deleted account]

Christina while I understand what you are are saying, I think you are missing the point for many people in open relationships/ marriages the 'open' part of their relationship is JUST about sex not about emotional bonds or ties - it is physical.



For the people who do form relationships with others it does not take over the relationship with their partners as you have said yourself "IT'S A DIFFERENT TYPE OF EMOTIONAL BOND. A DEEPER EMOTIONAL BOND that you have with your spouse".

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125 Comments

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Krista - posted on 08/19/2010

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Yeah, I can understand how you can be attracted to other people even when married. I'm married, I'm not blind. But I just could never consider opening up my marriage, either via threesome or via open marriage. I'd be way too worried that things would get weird and that it would do irreparable damage to our relationship. I don't see it so much as a moral issue, because it wouldn't be cheating, per se. But I have just heard too many tales of couples becoming flexible with their monogamy and it doesn't work out well. There isn't anybody that I'm all that hot after that I'd risk introducing a negative dynamic into my marriage.

Pamela - posted on 08/19/2010

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Yep Iris - I'm thinking KER-POW! to any woman who gets any ideas towards my feller. 'Cause I'm a grizzly mama - grrrrr...only not a Sarah Palin grizzly mama.

Ntombi - posted on 08/19/2010

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Fully agree with you. I am from the old school of Forsaking others when you get married. Societies moral fibre is at its lowest at the moment.

Iris - posted on 08/19/2010

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Lol! Not me Tah. As much as I try to keep an open mind about others, I'd Kung-fu kick any woman that tried to get too close to my man.

Tah - posted on 08/18/2010

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i talked to my husband about it...it went well...the question is which one of u ladies has a spare room for me?... ill share a bathroom..im flexible...

Pamela - posted on 08/17/2010

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I had a dream that some female was trying to hit on my husband and I beat her up. Just kicked her ass.



Guess I'm into monogamy:o).



But I'm crushed about the Canadian geese. All these years, I lived with under the illusion of goose fidelity.

Johnny - posted on 08/17/2010

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Gee Jenny, you don't go out 'trolling' the bars every weekend looking for fresh meat? ;-P

Jenny - posted on 08/17/2010

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That is a very real concern Jessica. I'm also bisexual and I think that's probably why it works for us. It's win-win for me and him and us. If I wasn't attracted to women to begin with it would be a hard sell for sure although with us it was my idea. We've only had a few shenanigans over the course of almost 11 years so I wouldn't call us an open relationship or anything. It's more of something we do when the itch rolls around and the mood and the people are right. Protection is always used and we knew the people involved so STD's were a minimal (but never zero of course) factor.

Pamela - posted on 08/17/2010

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I must say with all respect: I ain't sharing my man with anyone else. Nor is he sharing me. But then, that's just me. And him.

Jessica - posted on 08/17/2010

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I will never marry. I just don't see it happening.

With my partner, we have considered bringing another person into the bedroom with us, (We are both bi-sexual and very open-minded) but we decided against it because of possible ramifications within our relationship.

I love my partner but I cannot honestly say we will be together forever because, at the end of the day, shit happens. Saying that though, I wouldn't want to be in an open relationship. The possibilities of pregnancy outside of our relationship and STD's is something we could not risk putting ourselves or our son through.

C. - posted on 08/15/2010

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"I was sexually abused as a child, my best friend has been my closest supporter and a key element in my healing"



Tara, I was molested as a young child. I know it's difficult and some people will always be there for you that have been there to help you heal- I get that.



What YOU ALL are failing to realize is the very thing I said.. IT'S A DIFFERENT TYPE OF EMOTIONAL BOND. A DEEPER EMOTIONAL BOND that you have with your spouse. Does that make sense to anyone?? Nowhere in any of my posts did I say to REPLACE previous bonds, EVER. I said it was a DIFFERENT TYPE b/c it IS a different type. Make sense now?

Rosie - posted on 08/15/2010

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ever since they changed the format it won't let you see other pages. to override this switch the order you look at the posts from oldest to most recent, or most recent to oldest -whatever way you go.

Tah - posted on 08/15/2010

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i dont have the same emotional attachment with anyone that i have with my husband....and yes the sex would bother me..but if i found that he was forming an emotional attachement with someone else, it would be unacceptable to me..i just feel like some things are reserved for marriage and marriage is between 2..and all that goes with it..

Rosie - posted on 08/15/2010

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i guess i'm not thinking too much about the sex, it's the emotional attachment to someone else other than your partner that bugs me. i would also be very upset about my husband having sex with someone else, but the emotional aspect is what would bug me the most.

Tah - posted on 08/15/2010

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i know shelly i had to pretend i was posting and then it brought me to the second page..thought it was my laptop..i was thinking i was gonna have to hop this sprained knee into the family computer room..lol..

Leyla - posted on 08/15/2010

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it's all about trust and the solid belief that sex is just a physical act.

i have many friends who live this lifestyle. they experiment and are adventurous but the love they have is only for each other.....the sex is just that ......sex. no strings and no attachments and both parties are always involved and everyone involved knows the score.

Danielle - posted on 08/15/2010

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My take on marriage is 2 people, til death do us part. Regardless of distance, etc because when you take those vows you're basically saying you'll take the good with the bad. If you want to have an open relationship, why bother getting married? Marriage to me is sacred (whether or not the wedding was a religious one or simply held at city hall).

Tara - posted on 08/15/2010

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@christina
I have a deep emotional bond with my partner but like Carol said when we met we were adults and had strong emotional bonds with other people.
I was sexually abused as a child, my best friend has been my closest supporter and a key element in my healing. When I met my partner I didn't stop that relationship, nor did I transfer that onto him. He knows when I am suffering but he does not become jealous when I choose to call her and talk or visit with her to cry etc. he respects that she is the one I am comfortable talking to about this subject.
Does that make us any less of a couple? Because I don't rely on him before her for my emotional needs on occasion? Nope.
It means we have respect for each others emotional needs and don't take on the responsibility of being the one and only shoulder to lean on.

C. - posted on 08/15/2010

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See, Carol.. To me, a spouse should definitely come before any friends so long as what they do isn't illegal. But the emotional bond that you have with close friends should not be as strong or stronger than your emotional bond with your husband or wife. To me that is putting others before your spouse, which I don't think is right at all.

You don't have to forsake those bonds, they should be different emotional bonds in the first place. It's a completely different type of intimate, emotional bond.

Johnny - posted on 08/14/2010

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I guess my marriage isn't really a marriage either because I am definitely NOT exclusive to my partner emotionally nor is he to me. We were adults when we met with strongly formed emotional bonds with long time very close friends. We certainly did not choose to forsake those bonds in order to form a relationship. To me that very idea is ludicrous and incredibly immature. Perhaps if we had been mere kids when we formed our marital bond, then things would be different. I can think of very few people I know who would say that their emotional needs are entirely met and exclusive to their partner. And jealousy over that kind of thing is just simply not an issue for grown ups.

Jessica - posted on 08/14/2010

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Actually for the exact same reasons you posted Carol I agree with but the opposing argument.
"I suppose I just don't get this because I just don't think sex is the be all and end all of marriage."
I agree with that, but in the sense that, sex isn't or shouldnt be the be all end all of a marriage, so if your sex life isn't that exciting, I still don't see it as a reason to seek sex outside of your marriage. But don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm againsnt it, I don't really care what people do, I just don't see the point when married. And again, I'm not religious so my opinion does not come from a man made book based on a man in the sky saying whats ok and whats not. Marriage was around before the book :) Oh and Fiona I do see your relationship is different, it may be titled a "open relationship" but it doesn't sound that way to me, sounds like the 3 of you are fairly exclusive with each other and I think thats cool. :) I think the words "open marriage" invokes the idea that a couple is just sleeping around with everyone and anyone even when that is not the case and thats why people get up in arms about it.

[deleted account]

Jenny, I've had some really great sex, some really horrible sex, and a lot of ok sex.... and I've only ever had sex w/ one person (well, 2 if you count myself). I haven't had sex w/ another person in 2.5 years and while I DO want to have sex again... if I don't ever get married again... I don't plan on it (worded that way cuz I am human and may screw up again...) and I'm ok w/ that.

Iris - posted on 08/14/2010

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Anyway, Nate Dogg is frequently there with us in the bedroom. ;) His voice just makes me melt....

Johnny - posted on 08/13/2010

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I suppose I just don't get this because I just don't think sex is the be all and end all of marriage. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful part of it, but there are so many things that bond a couple together, outside of the bedroom, that can be unique to their relationship and for which they choose to marry. I don't want to get it on with anyone besides my hubby. But if I did, I don't think it would take anything away from what we have together. That is far, far more than just sex.

And as far as I know about most couples with open marriages, it really isn't about looking for "something better". It's about a change of pace, something different, something new & fun. You're married to a short, muscular man and want to try out a tall, lean one. I don't know. But I don't think it is anything like living the single life or seeking a better option. No doubt there are people who stupidly try the open marriage thing to avoid divorce, which I find foolhardy. But I suspect most do it because of a shared mutual interest, and have absolutely no desire to cease being a couple.

Should people be forced to divorce because they want to knock boots with someone else with their partner's permission & perhaps encouragement?

Jenny - posted on 08/13/2010

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No it doesn't mean any less love for your partner and I resent that statement. I have a strong, healthy, going on 11 year relationship and even with the occasional other partner or two it has not affected that bond between the two of us. Like I said before, for some people having sex isn't about giving your body and soul every time you have intercourse. Sometimes sex is fun, imagine that.



It is not healthy to deny yourself sex and in the case of the husband suggesting his wife take a lover will likely lead to a stronger, more fulfilled marriage. How wonderful of her husband to take all of her womanly needs into account. I'm wondering if those of you who say they'd be fine with a sexless life enjoy sex? Cause if you truly do, I don't see how you can say you could live your life without experiencing again. I realise there's more to a relationship than sex but it IS a major part, otherwise you'd just be roomates who raised kids together.

C. - posted on 08/13/2010

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"Still not really explaining why though Christina. You say that there is no point, but you don't expand on why that is. Because it makes you uncomfortable?"



It's not that it makes me uncomfortable, Carol. I just don't understand how someone can say they love that person and only that person, but yet want other people?? That means they never loved their spouse unconditionally and whole-heartedly in the first place. Again, why get married if that is the case? If you don't want to be exclusive to only one person, there is no point to get married at all. You might as well stay single all your life with just a 'partner' instead of a spouse.



And Sharon G put it perfectly in the comment right below yours that was directed to me. How can you expect to hold down kids and a husband when you want to live the life of a single person??



AND another thing.. It seems to me that maybe some people are going the route of an open marriage just so they don't have to get divorced? Divorce is costly, true.. But if you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with that person and putting every bit of effort into a marriage to hold it together, you might as well not get married in the first place.

Jaime - posted on 08/13/2010

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Ah...the first birthday...that'll do it for sure! Happy first birthday to Sam...I'm sure he will enjoy making a thorough mess of himself with cake! Enjoy.

Krista - posted on 08/13/2010

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Who, me? Nuh-uh. I think Sara's right. It's Sam's first birthday tomorrow, and I've been thinking nonstop of the meal tomorrow and making sure everything is in order.

Sara - posted on 08/13/2010

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You've been up to your elbows in cake and icing all day...I'd be thinking of food too. I mean, that'd really frost my cake.

Krista - posted on 08/13/2010

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You're welcome, Teresa. I don't know what's up with the food metaphors tonight...sorry.

Tah - posted on 08/13/2010

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your husband is the head of the household but you do not have to follow him if he is leading you down the wrong road, my daddyisnt gonna tell you what you want to hear, he's gonna tell you what you need to hear...but anywho, im going to leave this one alone...sickness and in health it still holds...but thats just imo...

Nikki - posted on 08/13/2010

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No way, never gonna happen, I married my husband because I love him and only him, and I dont believe in sharing ourselves with other, whats the point of being married?!?!?

Charlie - posted on 08/13/2010

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Lea do you ever have anything to contribute other than being rude and completley random ?

Fiona beautiful vows .

Marriage is essentially a contract between two people why should it matter if you are religious or not a contract still holds .

Fiona's case is hardly "sleeping around" she is in a relationship of three of which seems to me has a hierarchy as a result of marriage , a contract to show their deeper level of love , is that right ?

Jaime - posted on 08/13/2010

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lmao Krista, I can always count on you for a good chuckle:
"I don't give a sweet shit..." "whatever melts your cheese"--destined to become classics!

Krista - posted on 08/13/2010

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Personally, I've always been of the "hey, whatever melts your cheese" viewpoint.

If you're married, and you and your husband have an understanding, and everybody's communicating openly, everybody's happy, and nobody's getting hurt, then I don't give a sweet shit if your marriage is open, closed, ajar, or any other permutation. Doesn't affect me a'tall.

Marriage is what each couple makes of it. Some people have different marriages than I do. Some people don't take their marriages seriously, others do. None of it affects me in the least. If every married couple tomorrow split up and marriage was declared irrelevant to society, I would still remain married to my husband and would still take my vows just as seriously as I did on the day I spoke them.

So basically, whatever butters your biscuit is fine with me, because it has no bearing on my own marriage.

[deleted account]

There's more to life than sex. I know a real life couple who haven't had sex in 3 years (maybe more now) cuz the woman developed a physical condition that makes sex painful. She was still willing to do it to please her husband, but he won't put her through that pain and neither of them have any intention of ever seeking anyone or anything outside of their marriage. That bond is sacred to them in their marriage... just as it should be.

Carol, you know where I get my 'rules'. ;) I'm not going to go around telling people what they can and can't do w/ their lives, but I will give my opinion on it if asked.... like in these forums. ;)

Tara - posted on 08/13/2010

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Sharon,
It is an exceptional set of circumstances, and yes she has grown close to the man her husband "chose" for her. She has not fallen in love with him. She enjoys his company, they don't schedule their time. If she is horny, she calls him, if he is available they meet up, if not then she lets it pass, or masturbates, I truly don't know those details, only that she can call him when she "needs" to. It is a physical release for her, but it is also the feeling of being touched intimately, to have someone run their fingers down her back etc. it is in her words "it it is, after four years, exquisite to feel again".
Simple, for them anyways.

Johnny - posted on 08/13/2010

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I'm still wondering who it is who should be allowed to make the "rules" about which marriages will be considered real? We are all entitled to our opinions, and to live our lives according to our own wishes, but do we really have the right to enforce our opinions and our own choices on others.

@ Lea, generally I associate the term "whore" with immature name callers, but that may just be me.

Sharon - posted on 08/13/2010

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To each their own, but asking me about it here - I don't support it, I don't agree with it. Like I said - they have a rather exceptional set of circumstances and no one can really say until they are there - but I don't see myself doing that.

For me sex is an act of trust and love - and sharing my body with someone is a major thing. After years - I can't imagine that you haven't grown closer to someone. I also can't imagine scheduling to be horny once a month either. I find it very hard to believe.

Tara - posted on 08/13/2010

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Her minister did not "ok" it he assured her she would not go to hell by committing this sin. That was her biggest worry, she already knew he wouldn't condone it, but at the same time he also believes that a woman is meant to listen to her husband. So he never said "yes you may fornicate with another man you have my blessing" he told her she wouldn't go to hell and that her husband knows what is best for him and his family. Perhaps your daddy and your granddaddy were not as forgiving or as lenient when it came to counselling people on their religious fears and weaknesses. Her minister was glad she had come to him for guidance and wanted her to still feel as though she would be one of the flock so to speak. Anyhow, they are very happy, still attend church and no one in their community is the wiser except her very confidential minister/friend.
Tara

Sharon - posted on 08/13/2010

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Tah - same here - my grandfather was a baptist minister - I can't begin to imagine him saying that "yes its ok for you to fornicate w/ anyone else besides your husband."

Iris - posted on 08/13/2010

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Lea, one of those people in open marriages is right here on this forum so even if you are talking about "in general" you are including her. Now, either stop being rude or you will be blocked.

Tah - posted on 08/13/2010

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@tara..ok..so i did understand you, her minister ok'd it...no minister i know..starting with my daddy and those he has taught and mentored and serves with would ok that..but whatever you say..

Lea - posted on 08/13/2010

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I'm talking about the people with "open marriages" just because - not that woman specifically.

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