Open Marriages

Rachel - posted on 08/06/2009

Sorry it took so long to respond..umm..well we do have rules in place..things that we are or are not comfortable with, one that I am not comfortable with my soon to be husband having vaginal intercourse with another girl..we bring women in mainly for me but he also participates with out doing that so that solves the him getting another woman preg however we did do it once and if it would have happened then like the other Rachel said, we would help raise it and I can honestly say that would have sucked, which is why that stopped. As for my little girl, at this age there is no worry she is still in her crib and cant climb out yet (knock on wood) but when she gets older it would strictly be a when she's not home for the night or when we are out. I wouldnt risk her seeing that. Im not sure what kinda neighboor hood you live in but in mine no one would think anything like that if a girl came walking into our house and stayed the night. If I saw that i would think friend..not sex, and were not exibitionists, i dont leave the curtains open. With STD's that is always a worry even if dont live this lifestyle if your husband ever had sex before you or even yourself you could carry an STD..alot are dormant per say. HPV for instance, in most women there are no symptoms, but i think 50% of the sexually active community have it.(dont go quoteing me here i just kinda remember my dr telling me that). But when we did do it it wasn't like, hey lets go find some random girl..it was always a close friend and now it would be the same thing. That eliminates the heirsay cuz my best friend isn't going to go gossiping to her mormon friends that she had a 3 some..lol.

Stacey - posted on 08/06/2009

i would not really engage in anything like that and i would hope like hell my bf or husband woulnt either LOL but what is the point in getting married and sleeping with other people when you can be single and sleep with other people also its a huge risk of giving stds of hiv to your partner and or other partners in the future engaging in this lifestyle,so personally i say no but you are taking huge risks if you do engage in this and i also agree with krista its not right it ruins the entire meaning of love and being with that one person and only that person for the rest of your life.its adultery and i dont think it should be happening.

Louise - posted on 08/06/2009

It's definitely a harder path. Some people can't even have a positive relationship with one person, how much 2 or more. It takes a lot of maturity to get into something like this. It also depends on what relationship you expect from the swinger lifestyle. Personally I wouldn't choose it, just waaaay too hard and it's scary to guess the consequences.

Krista - posted on 08/06/2009

I don't understand the point of getting married if this is how you're going to live your married life. Marriage is about monogamy and being in an open marriage negates the vows (religious or not) that you took when you did get married. Honestly, and I'm sorry if any women in this group are swingers, I look down upon people who practise this. It totally violates the sanctity of marriage and opens you up to a crap load of trouble down the road.

Sharon - posted on 08/04/2009

I don't agree with an open marriage. I'm all for consenting adults to partner swap or enjoy threesomes - whatever floats your boat.

But a marriage is a sacred bond between two loving people and for me that includes the sexual part. We are bound together in heart, soul & body and the vows we took showed that to the world and all our loved ones around us.

Jocelyn - posted on 08/04/2009

i am for it. my hubby on the other hand is not. so needless to say, we don't have an open relationship. but he is not completely against the idea of a three-way. but it is taking some convincing on my part to get him to agree to it. when we were dating, he was all for it, then we had a baby and got married and it "changed" lol. but he did tell me that if i were to sleep with another woman (even if he wasn't involved) that it wouldn't be cheating as long as it was in front of him LOL. so i'm ok with that. don't get me wrong, i'm not sleeping around or anything, i'm bisexual and miss having a woman around. guys and girls are very different lol.

?? - posted on 08/04/2009

Thank you so much for replying and answering my questions Rachel! It sure seems as though you and your husband and your friend have covered all the bases!



Rachel Alvarez, can you answer the same questions? I'd love to see if either of your thoughts vary on this subject!!!



I should have posted "To the Rachel's" HAHA

Rachel - posted on 08/04/2009

Jo- Well for starters my husband and i made sure that we always used protection....ALWAYS. But if he did accidently get one of them pregnant then we would help the mother raise the child as we were all involved in making the baby so we should all be involved in raising and loving the child unconditionally. It has never happened and well it cant happen now cause my hubby has had the snip.lol. We have never ever done it when our children have been home as i said we only ever did it when our kids were being looked after for the night so there has never been a chance for that to happen and well it wont happen as we do not do that when our kids are home. The neighbours cant see in my bedroom and if they did see what was happening they would have to have their face's right up against the window and well if i saw my neighbour doing that then i would have them arrested and as for my kids finding out through hearsay that his parents sleep with random people..... they wont as no one knows what happens in my bedroom but myself, my hubby and the other person. And we dont sleep with random people we have only ever had one other person come into our relationship and that is a woman and well we have known her and been friends with her for well over 10 yrs and she has kids as well and she does'nt want them to find out just like we dont want ours to find out so we have decided that we will never tell anyone what goes on between the 3 of us and well in the 6 yrs that we have been doing it noone has ever found out. Well as it has only ever been the one that has come into our relationship, we all made sure we were clean and free of everything before we started anything and thats the way it will be with anyone else that we bring in(if we ever do as i said we have'nt done it or wanted to do it for the last 3 yrs).



Yes i can agree that it CAN open the child up for humiliation if you flaunt what you are doing to everyone then yes the child may suffer humiliation but if your discreet about it then noone knows about it so there for noone can humiliate the children. Possibilty of a sibling from some random woman..... well what if your hubby cheated and concieved a baby through that how would you explain that to your kids cause it's the same thing they now have a sibling from some random woman, so if this ever happened i would just tell the child that we made a mistake and well now we have a new brother or sister to love and you also have another brother or sister to love you so it's was a good mistake casue now you have and they have another person to love. And i have never ever worried what people think of me and i have taught my kids the same thing because it does'nt matter what other people think of you it only matters what you and your family think of you and i dont have this problem because my sex life is just that my sex life and noone no's what we do or dont do because we dont tell everyone. As for the looks i would get if people new, it would'nt bother as i dont really care what people think of me because i am the way i am and you either take me as i am or you just dont take me at all and well anyone who would look down on the child for the parents actions needs to grow the eff up and get over it as they are children it is not their fault.



Yes i do worry about all of the things that you have brought up and yes i know anyone of them could happen to me but they are all things that i know i could deal with and help my children overcome if it were to ever happen.

?? - posted on 08/03/2009

Rachel, I gotta ask because there are so many risks of bringing another person into your relationship. What if your fiance accidently gets one of those girls pregnant? What if your little one walks in on you (when they're old enough)? What if the neighbours see and end up gossiping and the wrong people find out, and later on your child learns through hearsay that his parents sleep with random people? What about STDs? You have said before you are very much all about what is best for baby, from the start, wouldn't you agree that bringing anyone into your relationship would be opening your child up to humiliation, the possibility of a sibling from some random woman, and even just the looks from people who know what you do and them looking down at your child because of it? Do you worry about those things? Or do you just figure it won't happen to you or your child? Or that they are just too young right now for them to affect them?



I am by no means looking down on you, just trying to understand how you rationalize the things I have mentioned - because they are the things that come to my mind about such situations and along with the fact that my man is the only person I think of sexually are the reasons I would never partake in that behaviour. I am genuinely curious how you address those things.

Rachel - posted on 08/03/2009

Well i guess I'll be the lone ranger here..Im engaged to be married and we bring girls in to our relationship occasionally. We haven't since I had my daughter but i guess the opportunity hasn't arrived, but if it did we would do it again. I dont think its for everyone and I can understand why some wouldn't but honestly I think it made us stronger. I LOVE my soon to be husband but I LIKE having sex with other girls..no big deal..he does to, so we do together. We all fantasize about it and neither one of us has any issues with it so it works. And neither one of us is religious so no issues there either and my child doens't need to know about me or my husbands sex life. When we do get married we will be married maybe not defined by some but we will be married! :)

Shelly - posted on 08/03/2009

Thats not for me at all but to others its normal. I think a marriage is special but also you dont have to be married to be in a long term real relationship and even then some do it. To each their own.

Rachel - posted on 08/02/2009

I dont have a problem with it at all. If that's what is gunna work to keep the relationship alive and thriving then why not do it. I have done it before in the past with my hubby and it only made us closer then what we were. We made one rule and that rule was if the other is not there it dont happen and it worked really well for us as not only did it make our sex life fun and interesting but it also made our love making more passionate. We only did this for a while and we only ever did it if the kids were getting looked after and we had a night away, so the kids had no idea at all that anything like that was happening. We have'nt done that for at least 3 yrs now and neither of us have wanted to but if we find ourselves needing to spice things up again then i have no worrys about doing it again. It's very much a personal choice and if it works it works but i will say this you have to have full trust in your partner otherwise things can and do go wrong.

Esther - posted on 07/31/2009

Wow - there seems to be full consensus on this thread!! I'm not for that either, most especially not for my own marriage. I think it will more often than not end up hurting one or both of the people in the relationship, even if they agreed to do this (without agreement of course it is just plain old cheating). However, people are free to make their own decisions on this front as far as I'm concerned and if it works for them - kudos to you.

Sapphire - posted on 07/31/2009

I mentioned a couple that I knew of that had this type of arrangement. Married 20+ years too. The wife is bi-sexual, and she had a GF. I do know that there was no 3-way sex, because I asked! It was simply the wife dated the GF independently of being intimate with her husband. I also know that they were all into bondage, because we had long talks about it. She was a dominatrix, and in all honesty our long talks geared around how to bring the intimacy back into my own marriage. (Just me and hubby-NO ONE else!) See-after all the years of trying to conceive, forced, timed, planned sex-absolutley nothing was intimate. Sex was a pure chore. So, in a way, learning about her alternate lifestyle really opened up my eyes about different things in order to bring back a badly needed spark into our own sex life. And no, I am not a swinger, bi-sexual, or even cheated on my husband in the 16 years we've been together. But, I am open to learning new things all the time! Some things work, some things don't.

Angie - posted on 07/31/2009

I for one, could NEVER DO it, married or not, I believe when I make a commitment, whether on paper or just my word, I take great responsibility and respect for my other partner. I also believe this is a religious issue...but since you've not asked for that, I won't go into detail for why! :)

I think a married couples relationship inside the bedroom is sacred and should not be shared with someone else. Me, I'm a jealous person, I still have a hard time that my husband had other girlfriends and another sexual partner... So this wouldn't work out for me!!!

Sara - posted on 07/31/2009

I will say that I think it's natural to be attracted to other people and even fantasize about them, because it's hard to stay with only one person forever...but I wonder how many people agree to it, but only do it to appease their partner and really aren't into it at all...

ME - posted on 07/31/2009

I think that if that's the life you want you shouldn't choose marriage and children. If you want that type of a relationship it's cool by me, but it's not a marriage.

Tracy - posted on 07/29/2009

I could'nt live like that. I don't know anyone that does it so I have never been exposed to it. I hope it stays that way. I don't think it would be good to expose children to it either. Thats just my opinion.

Dana - posted on 07/29/2009

To each their own but it better not be my own!! :)

Sapphire - posted on 07/29/2009

Not my cup of tea either. I only know of one couple who have an open marriage. They seem to be happy, but then again I am NOT in the bedroom with them! But if this arrangement makes another couple feel happy & fulfilled, and they are not hurting anyone, and are law abiding citizens, then what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. I saw a documentary on the swining lifestyle and it definately is something that mandates love, communication, & trust that both partners agree on with their own comfort zone.



I do admit that hubby & I often talk about what it might be like to watch him with another woman, or to watch me with another man. It's a fantasy, and we get turned on by the thought. But like I said, it is a fantasy, and NOT meant at all to turn into a reality. Now, if someone flirts with him, or if someone flirts with me-we both find it complimentary. Flirting doesn't bother either of us at all.

Kylie - posted on 07/29/2009

i don't like it..it's not good for anyone..maybe in partnerships where children are not involved it could work but jealously is a natural human emotion and it would personally tear me apart if my partner didn't care if i was intimate with someone else and the thought of him wanting to be with another woman would drive me crazy.

Charlie - posted on 07/29/2009

-personally i dont share well , i dont even like it when i see a girl bat her lashes at my man so i would never , ever let that happen .
But i have a couple of friends who swing and they say they have become closer than before they were swingers so who knows it must work for some , each to their own !

Erin - posted on 07/29/2009

Definitely not for me. No way. I'm not married, but I personally don't see the point in getting married if you still desire and seek the intimacy of other people. There's just too much potential for disaster for my liking.
In saying that though, I have no opinion of what other people do in their marriages. If they can make it work for them, and any third (or fourth) parties are fully informed of the dynamic, then so be it.

?? - posted on 07/29/2009

I do know a couple swinger couples. They have happier and healthier relationships than most people who wouldn't think of going outside of their marriage. It's all about trust. You need trust in either style of relationship. And whether it's open or not, they all partake in certain rules / guidelines / understandings.



Cheating in an open relationship is the same as cheating in a monogamous relationship.



It's not for me though, I don't like sharing. And I think it can lead down some bad paths later on in life - like say.. my sons friend walked in and saw me and dev having sex with his parents and then went and told Gabriel........ that kinda crap does and can happen and I wouldn't want to risk any kid to that kind of shock lol

Traci - posted on 07/29/2009

I know of some guy who did that with his wife...they'd get drunk and go bring home some girl. Well, one day he comes home and guess what? He finds the wife with some guy. See, it was okay when it was him, his wife, and some drunk girl. Well, he and his wife got in a fight, the cops were called, and to make the long story short, he lost his job because of it. It's just not a good idea all the way around. Someobody at some point in time will more often than not get jealous and then trouble ensues. If you're not ready to spend your life with one person, then don't get married. But, whatever floats your boat! Just don't expect any sympathy when your little "understanding" goes awry...

JL - posted on 07/29/2009

It is not for me...first off I barely have the time and energy to deal with the one partner I have, Second off my husband has said that he would be way to confused if we threw in any other people in our sexual relationship and last I don't like sharing. But having said that I will repeat my mantra..it is no ones elses business what goes no in someones elses relationship as long as there are consenting adults and no one is being mentallly or physically abused then have at..I just won't be joining in.

~Jennifer - posted on 07/29/2009

Well, it's not the life for me, but it's not for me to say whether or not it works for anyone else.



I guess it falls under my typical response: Rock on.

(In other words, " cool, dude, whatever works for ya.")

Lindsay - posted on 07/29/2009

I couldn't do it. I could just see it causing more problems than it's worth. That being said, Josh and I do know a couple, he's a cop and she's a kindergarten teacher, that are swingers and they don't seem to have issues over it, that we see anyway. In the end, it's between two adults and if they decide to do that and it works for them, great! And if not, well they are still adults and can deal with the consequenses. I'm not here to judge someone else, just do the best I can for my own life! =)

Iris - posted on 07/29/2009

I've never done it and I never will, I want my husband for myself and I'm not sharing.
What anybody else does is their business.

Jenny - posted on 07/29/2009

I'll never marry, I don't believe in the institution of it. Marraige to me is a legal contract. I've been with my partner for 10 years this November and we are still going strong. I feel no need to change that.

Savannah - posted on 07/29/2009

I do think that once you get married that should be it for sleeping around, though... Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be about? Forsaking others and living with your soulmate?

Sorry, just the christian in me coming out. Can't help it.

Savannah - posted on 07/29/2009

I couldn't do it, personally. It makes me wonder how much the couple really loves each other. At the same time I feel that it is their right if that is the way they want to live. Who am I to judge? I had in interesting relationship with a married teacher of mine who was in an open relationship with his wife when I was younger and it didn't seem to cause a problem with them at all. (yes, my teacher, gross, I know. I was young and stupid. Don't hold it against me)

I guess the lines just have to be very clear with all consenting parties that the physical and emotional boudaries should not be crossed...

Don't know. To each his own I guess.

Jenny - posted on 07/29/2009

I've done it. It was fun, had it's time and place and has not affected our relationship.

Jenifer - posted on 07/29/2009

I couldn't do that, but I guess that I don't have a problem with two consenting adults who decide that's for them. Personally, I think that open marriages could invite a lot of other problems into a relationship. Jealousy, for one. But as long as they aren't inviting my husband over, it has zero impact on me.

Joy - posted on 07/29/2009

Not for us but whatever floats someone else's boat. As long as they aren't blocking my driveway with their friends' cars for the swing parties then I'm good.

Amie - posted on 07/29/2009

I could never do that. Neither could my husband.
That being said there are a lot more people who do this than I even realized. There's a local group in my city for this and they all get together once a week. It's at the bar near me. Needless to say I do not go to that bar. If they want an open relationship that is up to the people in the relationship. I could never do it though.

Jessica - posted on 07/29/2009

I think it's wrong. I believe if you enjoy that lifestyle then why get married in the first place. I'm really at a loss for words, I'm trying to get my point across w/out bringing in my christian beliefs but its hard as it is who I am. I think marriage is hard enough when it's between two people, why would you want to complicate things more than everyday life already makes things. I also think its an indulgence of the flesh, like over drinking or doing drugs, anything to make you feel good. In the long run though it is their life and I have no say in how others live. As long as its not flaunted in my face or my kids than to each his own.

Samantha - posted on 07/29/2009

I don't do it but there is nothing wrong with another person consenting with their partner and choosing to do it. It is not my business nor my place to judge. I feel that just because they choose to do this it in no way makes them a bad person.

Sara - posted on 07/29/2009

I couldn't do it, but that's me. I think that people have the right to live their lives how they see fit. If this is decision reached by two adults that agree it's ok, then who gives a shit? None of my business.