Opinionated comments

Janice - posted on 02/28/2012 ( 29 moms have responded )

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As most of us do, I frequent other communities here on COM. So often I see a mom ask for advice and instead of advice people make rude comments.

Examples:

A mom asks "How do I get my 2 year old off the bottle?" and people respond with "You should have taken it away when he turned 1."



A mom posts about her child not walking yet at 14 months and people post about how all their children walked by 10 months.



A mom asks how she can get her 2 year old to sleep in her own bed and some one asks "Why are you forcing them to sleep alone?!"



I could list a ton of these. I think they are incredibly rude. Obviously in a debate forum it is the norm but If someone asks for advice I think people should be helpful or just keep their mouth shut.

What do you think? Have you ever made an "opinionated" comment?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 02/28/2012

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I will be pretty blunt about it if I say something and someone else chimes in and say "oh, but its her baby, she's the mother, she knows her baby best". I HATE that reasoning, it's bullshit.

Jodi - posted on 02/28/2012

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Yeah, I do. If someone comments about feeding their 2 week old rice cereal, or what to feed their 2 month old, I am going to say something.

Johnny - posted on 02/28/2012

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I confess. Last week when a woman asked about pushing her 3.5 year old child to do homework. I got a little annoyed. I did ask for clarification that she hadn't forgotten the 1 before the 3 first. Sometimes I choose to be rude on purpose, so that woman will know just how crazy she is being. Of course, I was just one in a long line of people saying "WTF??"



But when people are clearly struggling and searching for help, when they are acknowledging that they have a problem and aren't just looking for validation, then I will put in the time to give a sincere response. If I have time, I often look in a few of my communities to see if someone has a question that I might know something about but that hasn't really been responded to yet.



I like to try to help other moms who are struggling with low milk supply, because I went through that. There are usually two rude responses they get. The first being that there is no such thing as real low milk supply. Which is not true. And the second is just to give up and switch to formula. Neither are helpful, but that is usually what those moms get. Plus a huge list of herbs and old wives tales that generally don't help much either. Most of the responders haven't really been there, and just looked it up on Kellymom. I try to stick to things I've actually experienced when giving advice, because I see how useless it is when people just quote someone's book.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/29/2012

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Some threads are red flags for issues to begin with. Like, most that start with "should I bring my baby to the doctor" "am I pregnant" "what would you do" "homeschooling is stupid" "my kid won't potty train at 1" "feeding an infant at 2 weeks" "why would you not breastfeed" "should I circumcise" Those and many more usually are going to get picked apart, even if people are genuinely asking for help. Although, there are times when people judge harshly, if you do not want peoples opinions and insights, think twice before you post.

Sally - posted on 02/28/2012

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Jodi,id be the same ,you never know now young the people are that you answer or what support is in place for them . Its sad but true that a lot of lost young mums turn to this site and its sometime falls to us in extreme to have to be blunt and stop them making huge mistakes that could kill their child. I think as you get older and not always wiser ,you have usual the comfort of being comfortable in everyday things. SO NO-ONE really knows people on here . Give your advice, except people will give conflicting advice and unless its dangerous. suck it up and move on.

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Erin - posted on 02/29/2012

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I usually stay away from posting my opinions. If someone is asking for advice and I have been in a similar situation I will try to let them know what worked for me (trying to make sure that they know it was my experience and it may or may not work for them). I try not to attack people because I wouldn't want to be attacked. I do sit here and get mad when I see some one attacking someone else.



But I have made remarks in DM. I can't remember what the topic was but some one was getting mad because people were disagreeing with her and pretty much said you people have nothing better to do than sit at this website, when she herself was every other post. SO I did make a comment( not specifically at her) saying "Well for all us spending our lives one this site, there sure are a lot of posts from one person" (or something along the lines of that) It just upset me that because she wasn't getting her way she felt she had to attack everyone else.

Tracey - posted on 02/29/2012

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Yes I've probably made opinionated comments, hope I haven't offended anyone. If I read something that I completely disagree with I would rather walk away than get into a slanging match. Having said that we are all grownups on here so we should be able to (a) take a bit of criticism and (b) offer an opinion without being insulting.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/29/2012

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Hot topic issues, or blatantly asinine threads are going to get assaulted, right or wrong.

[deleted account]

Hell, I know I'm opinionated. I think I'm getting more crotchity with age and illness. I am massively sarcastic but in teh end, I really do care about what I'm saying. I have learned about myself 2 things: I care about what I say and that I cannot remain calm during vaccination debates. Nope, can't do it. (and I know it's been witnessed).

[deleted account]

i try not to be opinionated, and if i'm even remotely so i try to make sure readers know that what i'm saying is ONLY if i myself was in the situation, not telling them that's how it should be. but i try my best to give straight-forward advice. i don't always succeed, though, so i usually just keep quiet...

Maree - posted on 02/28/2012

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Sometimes when people are so effing stupid they need to be told...



I guess i better start ducking snd weaving now cause i can see all the fists coming through the computers !!!!!

Jodi - posted on 02/28/2012

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Jenni, those are the people that also usually get highly offended by any differing opinion or comments. Like, because you offered an experience that differs from the general or from what they want, all of a sudden you're rude, offensive and attacking her. If you don't HONESTLY want to get advice, dont' ask. If you just want someone to tell you what you want to hear, state your question as "I want to hear from the moms who did it like I did." or whatever. Grrrr!

Jenni - posted on 02/28/2012

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The worst is when they ask for advice. Everyone provides links, risks, widely accepted recommendations, overwhelming NO DON'T DO IT! But instead they cherry pick a few posts that say: "I did it and my kid's ok!" And do what they wanted to do anyways. Like they just needed some affirmation from fellow whack jobs.

Stifler's - posted on 02/28/2012

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I make opinionated comments. Especially on threads that say:



When do you start putting rice cereal in your baby's bottle?

Sally - posted on 02/28/2012

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very much , jodi. If shes asking it means she wants to try and do right.something on her brain is making her wonder and good on her. I won't won't advise on co, sleeping breast feeding,spanking. I will say what worked for me. By that im not saying im right. I then leave it to the poster to go through whats been said and take on board what suits her. Still you always get one or two who try to brow beat. Which would be great here but not on tne sites that are for advice and help. Wonder if they do they same in really live, if their brave enough. We have a name for that sort but its not p.c

Janice - posted on 02/28/2012

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Oh My Sally. That IS pretty horrendous to say.



Jodi, I think honestly telling someone not to feed their 2 week old anything but breast milk or formula is okay. Not rude at all IMO. It would be rude to say "If you really loved your child than you wont feed them anything but breast milk or formula." Although really with that crazy of a question I kinda understand the need to be rude.

Sally - posted on 02/28/2012

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I think the worst i have heard and which made me call someone out was when the poster put ,if you really loved your child. To me thats just fighting talk, given she knows nothing about the people except that they have different ideas to her. I hate that sort.

Janice - posted on 02/28/2012

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Exactly Meme. In a debate you can say what you think but when someone asks for advice they don't need snarky remarks. :)

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 02/28/2012

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I think if advice is asked it is OK to give your experience which would translate into your opinion but it should never be advice that examines why that mother is doing what she is doing. Rather, it should provide insight that could help her make a choice in how to get through what it is she is needing advice for.



I don't think it is fair to give an insensitive remark. Or ask a question that would make her feel bad about why she is looking for advice.



Obviously they are reaching out and looking for other's opinions on how to help her. It is not very kind to put her down for doing what she is trying to get away from doing or trying to get closer to doing.



I try my best not to give insensitive comments when advice is being sought. I can only, however, provide what I know and how I have done things. If I did those things a year earlier than what she is trying, such as getting them off the breast or bottle, I could careless, the point I see is she is needing to know how other's may have done it. She doesn't need to hear any negative crap about why she waited so long. That's just rude!



However, in a debate, yep. I am all over it. Someone else lays their opinionated self out there, so will I. I may agree, I may not. It all lies in the cards and what the subject on hand is.... ;) Some things I could careless about and willing to let go easy, other's, nope, I have strong opinions on few things but they are strong.

Celeste - posted on 02/28/2012

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I've come across this and sometimes, yes, I'll call them out on it. One recent example was about a Girl Scout issue. Most of the posters were nice about it. One chick accused me of something that I wasn't doing. Instead of saying "It's no big deal, I wouldn't do anything" she had to add a snarky comment and was rude under the guise of "It's MY opinion" What's the point of that?



Sometimes I'll roll my eyes but I try to answer in the most respectful way that I can.

Lyssa - posted on 02/28/2012

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i think we all make opinionated comments, but there's a thread for it and then there's times when someone is asking for advice, try to give it. don't make them feel degraded my saying, "well mine was walking at 10 months so i don't know what's wrong with yours." all mothers and all babies are different, so if it's a debate, state your opinion, if it's a question you feel you can help with, give your opinion on what you think may help. too many mothers attack on this website i've noticed.

Jodi - posted on 02/28/2012

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I've made opinionated comments when the question *should* be a no-brainer. Such as, "My preschooler now has all her teeth, when should I start brushing them?" I see that question a LOT, although obviously nto always for preschoolers. I *try* to be nice about it, but I almost always say, as soon as your child has a tooth, ti needs to be brushed! My theory being, it's quite possible this person might have more kids...and they deserve healthy teeth!



Otherwise, I try really hard not to, but we all have those dark cloud days! And yes, I have called other moms out for being judgemental and rude when a person is asking for advice, although not all the time, it's gotta be pretty blatant.

Sally - posted on 02/28/2012

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I agree but it also gives the poster the chance to explain their meaning. I think a lot of problems come from people not reading all the post but jumping on a few words. Think it would be better if your unsure what was meant and how it was meant would be to ask before going of on one. I new to this so maybe im naive. I just know i have commented and be taken wrong and had to explain that been ask what do i do,what do you do and iv'e answered honestly ,only to have to go back and say i never tobher she should do what i do. She asked i answered. Its now up to her to take on board what she wants. I also find most times it not the poster its other people that try to take over the whole thread.



P.s I hope this made sense cos i tried to keep it short. I hate posts that seem to go on forever.say what you have to say .If i want to read a book i wouldn't be on here.

Krista - posted on 02/28/2012

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Gad, it really depends on the situation. I'll get snarky sometimes if the problem appears to have been caused by pure arrogance or stupidity. But for the most part, I try to be sincere with advice.



I don't really like the "advice" that would basically require that the mother go back in time to un-do something she's done. But for example, if a mother posted something like, "My child keeps hitting me! I spank him for it, but he won't stop", then yes, I would probably make a bit of a sarcastic remark. But I would try to follow it with some sincere advice.



But yeah, some people just aren't interested in helping, they just want to feel superior. And I've called them out on it.

Janice - posted on 02/28/2012

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To add to this: If you do see an unhelpful/ rude comment do you respond and call the person out on their response or do you just ignore it?

Janice - posted on 02/28/2012

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Sally, I agree sometimes people may be misunderstood, but more often than not they mean what they say.

Sally - posted on 02/28/2012

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I think that sometimes you need to step back and remember you online. which means no facial expressions, no tone of voice .Things get misunderstood. things do not always come across as you wish. yes some people can be right royal pains and when i see it i drop out because i think you just want a row but sometimes i think people mean to help but just express it badly

Jenni - posted on 02/28/2012

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I'm sure I have... when I've been in a mood or something. But I don't think I've done it very often. I'm usually pretty understanding and try to be helpful. There's very few parenting topics (at least none I can think of) I've got a really strong opinion on where I think everyone else should parent exactly how I did or do. Maybe when I was new to COM and mothering and still wet around the ears.



Every now and then though there will be a post that gets under my skin and I may get a little snarky. I usually reserve my strong opinions for debate style posts and try to differentiate between someone seeking help and someone just expressing their opinion on something. That latter means it's game on!

[deleted account]

I try not to make my comments too "opinionated" unless it's obviously a debate and then I try and get my point accross in a respectful manner.



I think a lot of people have a hard time taking off their "know it all" hat. They see "some poor girl" asking for advice and immediately go into "I've gotta set her straight" mode. There's nothing we can do about those people, really, other than argue with them lol



When I'm reading a topic, before I post, I'm trying to get a feel for what the post is really about. Is it a rant? We all need to get stuff off of our chest from time to time. Is it a serious question asking for real advice? Sometimes I even think some of the posts HAVE to be jokes because they're so ridiculous. Those are the ones I don't touch lol I have to say though, that MOST of the time here in DM, many of us have been here for so long that when someone asks a question or is truly seeking advice, people tend to sincerely try and help and those who turn into rude jerks are usually quickly cut down by one of our awesome mods. Most of the rudeness seems to happen on the Welcome board.

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