Playdate Hell- Jealous Moms Reign

[deleted account] ( 80 moms have responded )

There is no way to put this that is not going to make me sound like I'm stuck up or full of myself. I am writing the facts of the incident and that's it. I don't look at myself this way and I'm not a full of myself snot who thinks she's better than everyone else.



I am part of a play group with some other moms where we take turns hosting in our homes. This isn't a group made up of my friends, it's a group I found in PlayDate mag that looked like fun. When I received my Feb. itenerary I noticed that I had been taken out of the loop. Meaning that I would not be hosting this month. When I asked what the problem was the director informed me that a conversation came up between some moms that they felt "inadequate" after visiting my home bc #1) It's clean. #2) We have nice things and a nice home. and #3)Because some of their kids left wanting things that my kids have that their parents can't afford.

I feel like I am being outcast for having more than these women. Never ever have a judged any of them for what they have or don't have- I've never even thought about it until now. I couldn't give 2 craps of what kind of car you drive or what kind of home you live in, as long as when you are hosting a playdate it's safe and fun. They had all been so nice and welcoming before and now after hosting and they learned more about my life they don't like me as much bc I have something they don't? Hell, I'll have a moms date and they can play dress up in my closet if it means that damn much to them.



Am I wrong for being upset and hurt by this? What are your thoughts?

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Mary - posted on 02/04/2011

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Look at it this way...do you really want to spend a whole lot of time with people who would treat someone like this? And more importantly, do you want your kids influenced by people who are so quick to end an association based on something like monetary status?

Sharon - posted on 02/04/2011

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I hate those organised playgroups.

I rarely have much in common with the skanks who haunt them looking for gossip fodder. Thats been my limited experience (2 attempts).

Instead, I just took my kids to the things I enjoyed and kept an eye out for a mom who might share my interests. Never found one. They either had kids way older, way younger or were insane.

Oh yeah insane.
#1 - was cometitive mom. her kid did everything faster, earlier, better than my kid. walked first, walked longer for his first walk, blah blah. um yeah. NO.

#2. never talked about anything but her surgeries and her kid. she ruled her house. her kid did everything on the clock. if something might make them go 15 out of their schedule the mom would have a hissy fit.

#3 was married to fuckwit "disabled" guy who's only disability was that if he wasn't home on time to see Little House on the Prarie (a good show, but WTF??? he was in his THIRTIES) he threw a hissy fit. he got royally pissed and made a scene.

#4 had her kids' life planned. nothing but lessons, tutors, etc. She couldn't afford a second car and they moved THREE times in a town of 5000 to be closer to her husbands job to save gas. WTF? yeah all those reconnection fees, transfer fees etc... hurts my brain to think about it.

There are more and not all were in this tiny town.

You are right to be upset and hurt but I hope you'll be more amused by it. They judged you for being better than they are. Who does that? Um we've visited plenty of homes where life is a great deal more posh than ours. We admire it and I point out to my kids that with an education their lives could be that nice. But having things doesn't make life rosy. Some of those well off families had a lot of tragedy in their lives and I wouldn't trade our modest life for their tragedies ever.

Nicole - posted on 02/04/2011

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Do these mom's ever bring their kids to the store and have the kids see things they want there? If so, do they stop going to that store because their child wants stuff they can't have?

This is just bizarre behaviour on the part of these mom's. They need to set goals and work towards improving themselves, not bitching about your success.

Lady Heather - posted on 02/04/2011

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So they all got together behind your back and talked about you like that? Bitches. I wouldn't give them the time of day.

[deleted account]

Mike- You are so right. If they want to judge me at least judge me for something concrete. If they really knew me they'd see that my life hasn't been so "posh". If they'd like to walk a mile in my shoes what they's find along the way is a kid who was brutally abused and thrown away, a young woman who was a workaholic and an emotional handicap, a lady who wanted nothing more than to have a family yet had 10 miscarriages trying, someone who has an autoimmune, blood and cardiac disorder and has weathered chemo twice, and a woman who is thankful for every day of my life and knows what a gift it is to be here and to have been blessed with my amazing little babies. From where I started and where Ive been, it's all up from here. It only gets better. ♥

PS...Ladies just an FYI, I just has surgery so Ive been on COM everyday this week and from that surgery I can't speak and am on pain killers so yeah, I'm kind of yappy and rambling alot and talking about things I normally wouldn't and will probably be embarrassed a few days from now. Ok, rock on. ♥

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Lindsay - posted on 02/05/2011

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You deserve better anyway! That is very immature, get a new group---mops.org

[deleted account]

Oh Mike, if we live near each other we could make our own play group! But, I'm not introducing you to my husband as "my cunt". :D



Shawna- Thanks! You guys have made me feel so much better. : )

Shauna - posted on 02/04/2011

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Oh that is so messed up!!!!!! if you lived here id join your mom group!!!! we need one in our town! i go to the local library for a baby play but its not that great.
those women suck... im sorry ppl are so rude.

Janessa - posted on 02/04/2011

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Wow people are weird and bitching about nothing sometimes. I feel for you and I to have playdates and some of the moms and I have boned and are close friends and they have more then I do. So what that just means I hve to work harder to get nice things and not blame those people.

Bonnie - posted on 02/04/2011

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You have a reason to be upset Stephanie. I would be too. I despise people who talk behind other people's backs. Yeah i'm sure it is nice to think in the way that now you don't have to provide for these people or feel like you need to clean before they come over, but at the same time, this is something that you really wanted to be a part of.

[deleted account]

I decided to join a play group bc my daughter is very very social and outgoing and I had gone through a phase of being antisocial and a homebody for a while and felt I needed to pull myself out of it. I am also trying to not be so severely OCD and thought having strangers in my home, as odd as that sounds, would be a good idea. I watched a show about OCD people and the doctor on there said that's what you have to do, to do the opposite of what you want and do what drives you crazy so you can calm your "inner demons" after a length of acclimation. The kids have a blast so I thought everything was great, until now. I swear though, other than the house being clean no one would have been tipped off that Im OCD bc I let those kids reek havoc and was happy the whole time.



It's not my kids or friends and family that distress me, it germs of strangers that make me crazy and yeah Im a neat freak. Just didn't want anyone to think I flip out on my poor kids everytime they leave a toy out lol.



I really think for the most part that it was the director who cant get the stick out of her bum. I think she made assumptions based on a few innocent remarks. That is, if I believe the other mom's story to be true. Which I think I do....I want to believe her anyway.



EDIT TO ADD:

I get really uneasy in line at the post office or grocery store when the next person in line is too close to me. When I can feel or smell your breath, youre too damn close so back off lol. I was also terrified of people touching my baby's face and hands, when they were newborns. That's just common sense though, isn't it?



I gotta make a whole new thread about the OCD issue lol! ; )

[deleted account]

I actually totally agree. However, more and more moms/parents are feeling that way nowadays. It is pretty common for people to act this way in play groups. We have had that problem once and the other time it was just very "click-ish" which I hated and didn't sign up for. However, there are play groups out there that are actually there for their kids to make friends and it doesn't matter to the moms/parents how much each other make. I wouldn't make it a rule for yourself that your group has to make at least xxxx amount of money but I would bring up the fact that you are well off with whomever directs it and see if that could cause a problem with home playgroups.

Stifler's - posted on 02/04/2011

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I would be glad that no one was coming over to mess up my house and that I didn't have to provide food and clean up before people came over!

[deleted account]

I think the director is just a crotchety old bag and she probably doesn't associate out of her race either. Oh, oh, oh maybe that's it! We are a mixed race family so maybe that bothered her? Nah, surely not, this is 2011 isn't it?
Really though, she just has a stick up her butt I guess. At least she could have said hey I have a group of moms you might relate to better or something positive like that instead of just marking me off. I'm just going to find a new group bc now I'm too uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Johnny- Yard sales, thrift stores, craigs list and the like are the bomb! I just got an authentic Kate Spade bag at thrift store and it looks brand new. I found a Vera Wang wedding dress for $10 not long ago and ebay'd it for $400. And, I found 2 original Barbies and a 1st edition Skipper doll made in Japan that I sold for a butt load, too. Fun, fun, fun!!! ; )

[deleted account]

I want a room big enough for a bounce house.
I know i'm late to this but hey thats what happens when my part of the world sleeps when you are all awake.
I'd be upset and hurt to and would never go again. I never realised that we had to go to playgroups with people who are like us. I thought we were supposed to go to themf or our kids to socialise and hopefully for us to meet new people?
I think i need to get out more. I took my daughter to pre-school the other day and they are all mummy's who don't even smile.... i don't get it our kids could possibly be friends a smile wouldn't go astray.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2011

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Hmmmm...I will have to check that out Katherine. thanks for the tip!

Lacye - posted on 02/04/2011

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You do not sound stuck up. It sounds like those women are being petty and are insecure about what they don't have. If I were you, I would try and find another play date group to go to.

Nadia - posted on 02/04/2011

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I'd be upset too! Aren't they all adults??? And how do they know how you got your "nice" things??? Maybe you've worked really really hard... maybe you're hubby or you just has a really great job... maybe you've come into some money? whichever it is, it's none of their damn bsiness or anyone else's! And you keep your house clean??? My question is, if they are citing that as a reason how dirty are their houses??? I'd try and find another playgroup to join... obviously you and these moms don't mesh well. It's lonely being a mom and i thought playgroups weren't just for the kids, but the mom's too, to have someone else to talk to that knows where they're coming from.

Krista - posted on 02/04/2011

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Bonus points for the use of "roflcopter", Heather.

And Marina, you're in Massachusetts? That's actually not all that far from Nova Scotia! :)

That's VERY interesting that it was the director who took it upon herself to exclude you like that. I think that says a lot about her.

Becky - posted on 02/04/2011

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No kidding, eh, Heather? Or how about maybe exposing our kids to all sorts of people so that we can teach them that diversity exists in this world and that we don't all have the same things or live the same lifestyle and that that's okay! That people aren't inferior to us because they have less than we do or superior to us because they have more!
We have a bouncy house. :) We bought it for the boys for Christmas. Half the money came from their grandparents though.
I'd love to see pictures of your playroom too, Stephanie. Our basement is currently just one big pile of toys. I really need to do something with it, but it's such a mess, it overwhelms me!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2011

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Oh man....I need to find some new mommy friends..*sniff* I have been here for a year...and alas...I guess I need to go out with one of the mommies from my sons school. I have a roller skating play date this weekend...but I could never see myself "hanging out" with her. Though she is really nice...I do like her alot...just different ages I guess is the reason.

Lady Heather - posted on 02/04/2011

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Keep like moms in groups together? roflcopter. What is this? 1911? Is she confused? Did she come here via time machine? I have a friend who lives in her parents' basement and another who has so much disposable income that she has a city house and a lake house. We obviously fall somewhere in between. Nobody seems to care.

Johnny - posted on 02/04/2011

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Oh yeah, and a 1970's Jane Fonda exercise trampoline. I'm getting my husband to set up a safety bar.

Johnny - posted on 02/04/2011

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That's an awesome yard sale find! Good job. We're just up in Vancouver, BC, my best friend actually lives in Shoreline. I had to laugh at the glitter all over the place. No amount of cleaning seems to get at the glitter.

You know, maybe me & my friends get along because no matter how expensive our houses are, we're all a collective bunch of neat freaks. Only one girl isn't and she just teases us and says we're all OCD.

Plus, we're all happily married and about the same age, education level, etc. That probably helps too.

I would love to see pics of the play room. I'm looking for ideas. We are in the very slow process of getting our basement renovated, and that's what is going in down there. I've got the furniture ready, but I would love some play ideas. Right now I'm planning an art area with an easel, those rubber mat alphabet things, a big book shelf, a play tent, and a table to put a train set on. That was my great yardsale find. A big and pretty complete Thomas set for $75. I stayed with it and sent my hubby home for the cheques. I was ready to fight for it, lol.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2011

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Soo......I would have confronted them too....are you still gonna go or are you washing your hands of them? It really is interesting that the other mom was still calling you...obviously she did not know the director pushed you out....hmmmm....wonder if they are gonna talk behind HER back now.

[deleted account]

Amie-

Yep, that's what I was told. Weirdo. I didn't know you had to hate your husband or be in therapy to be in a play group. *Shakes head*



Johnny- Sure, come on over! I got it at a yard sale for $20. I would have never paid hundreds of dollars for something like that!

Johnny - posted on 02/04/2011

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I know it was a way back but I'm with Krista... you had a bouncy house??? Where do you live and can my kid come for a play date? That rocks!

We certainly can't afford that, and if my daughter asked, I'd tell her that straight up. I think it builds character to hear no to those kinds of requests. My parents could have bought every thing I wanted, but they said no and made me save and work for things. I totally appreciate it now and wasn't all that upset about it back then.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2011

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WOW Stephanie...the DIRECTOR is the catty bitch...now it is clear...she is the jealous one...obviously very controlling of her "friends" to...so does your daughter have allergies?!?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2011

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LOL...nothings wrong with Canada...just seems like most people that I like are from Australia or Canada...to far from me....

What state are you in Stephanie??? I am in Massachusetts.

[deleted account]

NEW INFO ALERT:

I just got a call from one of the moms in the group (to ask if my kids had any allergies for when she makes food for her host day) and confronted her about this. I just asked her what the problem is. She said that it wasn't like that at all and that she and 2 other moms in our group and the director of the program also participate in a support group together and were talking about how they haven't been able to get ahead in life bc of their marital problems, etc, and I came up. One said she was afraid of getting things dirty bc the house is so clean and "would it be nice to have...whatever" statements but that it wasn't catty or mean, just an observation of my life being a bit different and nothing negative and the director took it upon herself to take me out of the loop. I called her and asked her (yeah I'm getting all confrontational now!) why she did that and she said she thought it was better to keep like moms in like groups where they fit in best. Excuse me but this isn't a mom group this is a playdate for 3-4 year olds and if they were worried about my socio-economic status they should have asked that first. I don't know what to think. Maybe the comments were innocent and the director is just an idiot?

I don't have a bunch of breakable expensive stuff sitting around. If I did it'd surely be smashed to bits by now with my 2 little ones. My home is a homey home just like anyones. I just like things clean and organized for pete's sake! And I like designer bags, so shoot me.

Veronica- I have before and after pics. I'll find them and figure out where to put them on here.

Veronica - posted on 02/04/2011

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You should post a picture of the play room - id love to see it - it sounds like fun!

Veronica - posted on 02/04/2011

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What narrowminded women! I would be pissed, too. I run into my kids wanting things that other kids have too - especially things that we cannot afford either - but I dont look at it as a negative thing to be around - i have a few friends and family who have a lot more money, and bigger houses, and cleaner for that - than we do -- and I simply discuss the diversities between people, and how we differ with those things. Our kids know we dont have a lot of money, but they have learned to value what we do have, and to be thankful for it. A good one I like to use the best - is just telling them that its ok that so and so has this or that -- that way you will have something different to play with when you go to their house, and when they come here, they will have something to play with that they may not have there. This usually does the trick.

So anyways - im rambling on -- I think you should find another group - or create your own group for that matter -- and put out an ad or something.
I wouldnt let this get you down too much - people are shallow, and Id rather not be around that anyways - find some positive people who arent going to care about your income, house size or how many 'expensive' items you have.

[deleted account]

Bahahaha!!! I'm in the US. If it helps, the playroom used to be a storage room off the basement and it took months to get it straight. : )



PS..My house may not be dirty but there are traces of glitter in every corner lol.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2011

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Stephanie,,,,....I don't like you either now...bouncy house, coset full of clothes to share, play room,...ugh....I WANNA COME PLAY!!!!! I will bring the veggie dogs, and my feather boa...also all my costume jewlery......you got fun makeup??? I like glitter.....

DAMMIT! I bet you are in Canada aren;t you?

[deleted account]

Cold cereal and hotdogs....LMFAO! Sweet! Roxanne is just finishing up her veggies and hummus so she'll be good to go again by dinner time!

P.S. I don't like hotdogs.....got anything else? ;)

[deleted account]

Definitely bizarre. But thinking back on things they've said during playdates, about other moms and their own lives, I shouldn't have been shocked. But still, I was.

They're kind of a catty bunch and they had all been in the group for quite a while before I joined so I guess it was like a little clique. Kind of like the bad girls table at lunch in school- if you aren't a bad girl, you can't sit with them. ; )



EDIT TO ADD:

If they had been bitches from the start I wouldn't have been caught so off guard by this but they weren't, at least I didn't think so but maybe I missed something. I thought they were nice but also thought a few asked some odd questions that aren't generally asked of people you aren't close to, like how much money my husband makes.

We aren't rich or anywhere close. We had some goals and worked for it.

And, there is nothing special or extraordinary about our home. The kids just have a cool play room and that's bc I busted my butt making it for them.

Peggy - posted on 02/04/2011

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Sounds like a bunch of insecure women. I have more than some of my friends but I also have less than some... thats life. We dont look down on others who arent as fortunate as us. And I teach my children to never judge others either. I think in our society everyone is worried about offending the others who are less off that its easier to "punish" those who can afford specific things instead of teaching children that its not about materialist items. Just like schools banning name brand clothes... because not everyone can afford them. That is life.. hell my friend can afford 130.00 jeans.. I personally wouldnt spend that much on them but I dont keep my kids away from hers. I would count it as a blessing, I wouldnt want to be involved with a bunch of petty women anyways.. buts the kids that dont understand why they are "friends" with the other kids anymore.

Katherine - posted on 02/04/2011

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LOL!!!! I would LOVE to have a play date. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. EVER. What a bunch of snots. They're the SNOTS.

That makes them sound dirty IMO.

How sad.





Edit to add: Not dirty like filthy, but dirty like mean. And if you told them where you got the stuff I don't get why they're so jealous.

[deleted account]

I can see how you would be upset and it sucks to be outcast. I can't see how a nicer home would make someone feel "inadequate". If anything I don't like bringing my kids into really nice homes with really nice things without bribing them to be on their very best behavior only because they are bound to find the most expensive thing and break it.
I was at my aunts house when my oldest was about 18 months and she knocked over an end table and broke an antique Tiffany lamp. I felt so bad but my aunt didn't get mad or make me pay for it but seriously. Why not the lamp on the other end table that costs a couple hundred instead of thousands of dollars. Needless to say we have her come to us more then we visit her.

[deleted account]

What's really funny is that at one date I was telling them that thrift store shopping was great and all the cool stuff I bought from thrifts, goodwill and yard sales and they looked at me like I was a panhandler off the street. They were "above" it. And now this? Mmmmmm, ok!

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