Playing online games.

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2010

I think Jo hit on it right there-- It's a sign to us that something's up. When Cody suddenly is playing constantly, I know that means that something has happened that he's upset about. It's not a bad thing, but men and women handle things differently, and stepping out of their reality is the easiest way for them.

Think of it as a sign that you need to talk, not the reason to talk. Ask yourself why he's doing it. I'm not saying that there aren't times and guys who just play because they're lazy asses or just because they don't care, but when you know your guy is a good guy and he is usually pretty involved and suddenly he's MIA playing Modern Warfare for 16 hours straight, there's a pretty good chance something's up.

Plus, I think this leads back to not being direct. We all seem to think they should "know" what we want and when we want it. Sometimes I think Cody feels a little.... unnecessary... because I'm so good at keeping the house clean and taking care of Caedyn (not stuck up about it at all either), so he starts to feel like we don't need him. So I try to be very clear when I want things-- telling him I need him for help and for my support, etc. Guys just aren't as attuned to emotions and body language as we are.

Amie - posted on 01/29/2010

Ryan used to be this way too. I put up with it for a year, then I had enough. It was after we all moved in together. He's not the biological father of our oldest two. So going from bachelor Woo I can do what I want, when I want... to taking care of an entire family was hard for him. I never doubted that he loved us but it took some adjusting.

After we'd been living together for a year though I went bat shit nuts about his games. It worked for awhile... he started slowly upping his game times again. By the end of the 3rd year he was almost as bad again. During this time I'd also given birth to our 3rd. I told him I'd had enough, I booked a vacation ALONE so he could see that it's not all rainbows and sunshine staying home I work my ass off taking care of the kids, keeping the house clean, getting meals done, doing laundry, running errands, etc. I don't "do nothing all day" as he'd so eloquently put it a few times.

Four months after that I left for a week to go see one of my best friends on the other side of the country. It was great! I called every night, every night he was completely and totally bagged. He didn't even do half of what I do in a day but he was always wiped. He got more sleep than I normally do too in that week. When the kids nap I'm doing clean up, laundry, etc. He napped with them. When they went to bed I'm up doing the 2nd (sometimes 3rd) clean up of the day. I take time through out the day for myself as well, I AM here after all LOL. But I still manage to get it all done and generally on an average of 6 hours of sleep.

When I got home though was probably the best. I walked off the plane and through the doors to the main lobby and every one of them ran at me. He asked me to not leave for that long again, the kids kept telling me how much they loved me and missed me. Then we went home, which wasn't as bad as I expected. The house was still standing. LOL! Of course I also had found out just after this that I was pregnant with our 4th, his eye twitched a lil bit when I told him (at first he thought I was joking too!) but he handled it pretty well. LOL

Since then he's been really good about it (we're at 4 1/2 yrs together now). He plays at night when the kids are in bed. If he stays up all night playing it's fine SO LONG as there is nothing we have to do the next day AND he has to get up by noon at the latest. Our entire lives are on our family calendar in the kitchen so he knows what he can do when and how much he can get away with. In the last year I can only think of once where I truly lost it about his game playing. That's a vast improvement in my eyes. =)

I fully understand not everyone's as big a bitch as I am either. LOL! This is just my experience and how we've dealt with it in our family.

Cathy - posted on 01/29/2010

Men generally have avoidance issues! I can tell when my partner is getting stressed out at work because he spends more and more time on the computer. It's escapism from the stress. I tend to leave him alone if when he's been at work all day!



Then there are the times where he's just being a lazy f**k on his days off. I'm sorting laundry, making dinner, feeding the baby, changing the baby all the while his ass remains firmly planted in his chair.

I'm sorry but I don't give a shit that it's YOUR one day off, if the baby is crying you get up and see to him if I'm busy elsewhere, not sit there telling him to "calm down". He's a baby, "calm down" means shit! If I'm making YOUR dinner you can see to YOUR son.

I don't expect him to help with the general housework but I do expect him to be involved with the kids.

Fortunatly those days are rare, atleast since I went mental at him and left him to deal with the kids alone for the rest of the day!

Penny - posted on 01/28/2010

Although my partner plays games quite alot. He still spends time with our babies, I'm not going to lie there was a time I thought his gaming was more important to him than his family. But he has started(only in the last year-better late than never) always making sure he spends time with them, I guess thats probably the reason why I'm not such a bitch/angry at him anymore. But I dunno, I'm not going to complain about my life as it is pretty great.

?? - posted on 01/28/2010

I gave my partner an ultimatum when our son was about 5 months old - us or the game. He is a young dad and he stepped up to the responsibility of having a family at 20 years old. His job isn't 'easy' and he went from having no one to think about to having 3 people to think about and his games were his escape from the overwhelming pressure to take care of us.



He chose us and we came to a compromise about the game. There were acceptable times and there were unacceptable times for him to play. Recently we've been dealing with a lot of extra.. life stuff.. and he's been slowly playing more and more and I do get pissed off at him, I get very upset with him but we talk it out. Well, I make us talk it out.



His game is like a cue to me on how he's dealing and coping with everything in life. If things are on the better side, he's ok with reality, if things are on the not so good side he will want to play more and that is when I have to step in and help him deal and cope.



Sometimes it feels like a lot of extra work on my part to have to watch him along with watch our son, but we're in the process of moving into our first home and there will be some big big changes once we do, there will be a lot less stress and we'll be able to focus more on our family and I think it will help with him and not feeling the need to play those games all the time.



He understands that I need him and our son needs him, and it's not cause of the money he brings in from working, we need HIM. It took him awhile to get that concept because his family are all very materialistic and he grew up with the idea that "having money" means that you're "taking care" of what you have to take care of - his emotional side is lacking in some areas.

Jocelyn - posted on 01/28/2010

I feel the same way as you Sarah. My hubby is totally obsessed with this one stupid bike game and farmville (along with all his wii, xbox, ps2 and whatever else the fuck he has) It really does piss me off if he spends too much time one them. A couple days ago he had been playing for 5 hours so I flipped and he was wondering why I was so pissed! Even I think my life is boring, but that gives him no excuse to ignore what I have to say. If the only interesting that that happened to me was that Conner farted in the tub and laughed for 5 minutes about it then he bloody well listen to me! But it seems to be a guy thing...all of my other friends hubby's are gaming losers as well, so we get together and bitch to release stress lol. But I must admit that I am a bit addicted to COM, but I still do all the housework and shit that I have to do before I get on...and even then I find it hard to be on for 5 hours lol. I do understand that it is his way of relieving stress, but I just wish that every so often he would relieve his stress with a riveting game of checkers (or something that involves me or the kids). But thankfully he does stop when I ask him to (within 30 minutes anyway) so I'm not pressing the issue too much. At least for now.

Michelle - posted on 01/28/2010

Oh I'm there with you. It's not computer games for me, it's CONSTANT ps3 and 360 use. OMG..... We had a big talk about it a few months ago though, and as long as he's played with Caedyn and talked to me a bit then I don't care. He has his ways of chilling out and I have mine.



And there have been many, many, many divorces over things like Second Life and WOW. It's ridiculous. J



I think it's a way of removing themselves from things they don't want to deal with. De-stressing for the less addicted people. And I definitely agree with Sara about the rut. It's very easy to check out mentally when you're not happy. My mom has been checked out mentally for probably about 4 years now.



Just try talking to him and setting aside specific times for there to be your time together with nothing else-- no phones no books no computers nothing. Just you so that you can reconnect. One good way that we've found is that we usually talk for about half an hour when we lay down before we actually go to sleep.



And I also agree Sara that it's tough to have sex when you're pissed of, but it's also easy to withhold for too long. Sex is important to men, it's how they feel close to us. It's much more emotional for them than we think because it's emotional in a different way. That's why the cycle always starts-- no sex because I'm pissed because no sex because...... etc. But yes men do need to understand that in order for us to want to have sex we need a little actual interaction.

Sara - posted on 01/28/2010

Sarah, you are not boring! I think that something a lot of people with young kids go though is getting stuck in a rut. You have a schedule you stick to everyday because of work and because of the kids, and it's hard to pull yourself out of it which leads to feeling dissatisfied with your lot in life, etc. This is not an excuse in any way for Pete to continue once he realizes the behavior is bothering you, but you can't blame yourself. Keep trying to talk to him about it, help eachother out of your rut!



OH and men think that sex is the fix for everything...I hear ya there! What they don't understand is that as women, if our heads and hearts aren't in it because we're pissed at you, then it's not going to happen!

Penny - posted on 01/28/2010

Dont get me wrong, I have had my share of arguements with my partner over his computer use. But due to circumstances in our life atm, I have let it go. As its not an issue I am willing to let come between us. And to be honest I have found that he actually spends less time on there now, since I have stopped pestering him about how long he stays on there for. He has always said if I wasnt such a bitch maybe he would want to talk to me, and I took his advise. I try not to let little things get to me like I used to. And when I'm happy, our babies are happy,and he is happy.so if he wants to sit on a computer for a few hours each night, then so be it. lol.
We all have our problems, and I guess its how you chose to handle and deal with them. That determines how much of an impact its going to have on your life.

Sarah - posted on 01/28/2010

Oh and Kylie.......the trying it on for sex thing when they've barely said 2 words to you REALLY winds me up too!!!

Sarah - posted on 01/28/2010

It's nice to know i'm the only one who struggles with this!!
We've fallen out over this before, it actually led me to kick him out! He was back within a week tho, and he did curb the time he spent on the computer.
Lately tho, it's been creeping up and up......we barely see each other as it is and it makes me SO sad that this App he plays is more interesting to him than me and the kids.

I was trying to speak to him yesterday about the new childminder, and that i've booked driving lessons and stuff, and he just wasn't interested at all. I could feel myself starting to cry because i was really excited/nervous about the things i was telling him, and he was busy chatting to one of his online friends.
I ended up telling him how i upset i was, and he said sorry, but i can't get out of my head now that he would rather be online than be with me. That he feels like he HAS to spend time with me now, not that he WANTS to.
How sad is that, i'm less interesting than a flipping FB Application!!

Now i'm starting to wonder if it's my fault? If i AM boring or something. He must think his life is pretty shit if he feels the need to escape from it so often.

Sorry, didn't mean to spill my guts quite so much!!!
Thanks for all the replies guys, makes me feel better i'm not the only one! :)

Mel - posted on 01/27/2010

My partner works his own hours because he works for a friend so its really good. He can start whenevr and finish whenever, if he works lte he can finish early the next day if he likes etc. and They have lots of lunches and play golf and stuff for meetings, so I guess damos work may be a little easier which is why he can do so much. But your a pretty good partner Penny and you guys are great togeher because I guess you have the same sorts of views and are happy with the way your doing things.

Diana - posted on 01/27/2010

I feel the same way, Kylie, at least to a certain extent. I do understand what Penny means about him feeling the stress of being the primary income earner, and my husband also works closer to 50 or 55 hours a week than 40 (that's why I hate salaried jobs, but that's another issue in and of itself...). But, and he and I have talked about this on several occassions, I not only work 20 hours a week, but I am home taking care of our son the rest of the time, which is a full time job in and of itself. I saw something one time that said that a stay at home mom walks enough and does enough in a week to have worked an 80-hour work week on average, although I have no idea where that stat came from or how reliable it might be-but it does make sense. He knows that, especially with me working some, too, I need some help around here, because it's not fair for me to have what's pretty much a 24/7 job and him work a 10/5 job and call it even. So I don't mind if he fudges a little here and there, but I don't think I could handle if he just go so immersed in the video games or TV that he didn't help at home just because I don't have a full time job. Kudos to women who can handle all the house stuff themselves, but I guess I'm just not that domestic. lol

Mel - posted on 01/27/2010

me neither lol. I would go insanse if Damo didnt help out

Kylie - posted on 01/27/2010

Your hubby is pretty lucky you feel that way Penny. My hubby comes home and the first thing he does is shower then play with kids and chats with me..we both feel the kids is a joint job and when he gets home we both get some time off. I think I've trained him well over the years haha..there's no way i could cope looking after my two and the house and work on my hobbys and look after him and he gets to go work a 40 hour week and gets to relax when ever he wants. I'm lucky he doesn't think I'm a demanding bitch i guess and he has a mostly stress free job.

Penny - posted on 01/27/2010

My partner plays COD and a few other games. he comes home and its the 1st thing he does is log on. It used to bug me, but now I'm just used to it. I think it is his way of destressing, which is fair enough. He goes to work and runs his own business, and provides for me and our 3 kids. While being at home is hard yes, he is the one who feels the stress of having to work. Knowing that us living depends on him and his income. So I feel more sympathy for him than anger when he plays his games. As soon as my babies are all old enough to go to school etc, I hope to be able to get back into the workforce and help take some of that stress off of him.

Diana - posted on 01/27/2010

I only think it's an issue when it's getting in the way of living life. I don't begrudge him an hour or two here and there, especially after our son has gone to sleep, but if it's getting in the way of him helping when I need help or of him spending time with us, or if it's causing him to be ill the next day because he stayed up too late, then it pisses me off. That used to happen quite a bit, but it really doesn't happen often now.

Kylie - posted on 01/27/2010

My husband gets on steam and plays his garrys mod and team fortress games. We had a big fight about it a year ago and he mostly stopped. I don't mind a few games here and there but he was in a clan and chatting to all hours of the morning.. and it irked me because he would be tired and grumpy the next dat. He puts his headphones on and starts playing and the kids and i could be screaming for him and he wont notice.
As long as the kitchen is tidy after dinner and the kids are in bed he can play all he likes..but i hate when he comes and hits me up for sex after hes not spoken to me all evening. Gaming has always been a part of his life..he was a quake addict when we met..he even got me playing it so i don't wish for him to give it up all together. But he is 30 something now when do they grow up and move on from gaming!??

Cathelijn - posted on 01/27/2010

OMG SARAH!
One day I will smack my husbands face between the laptop. The man comes home sits down gets the laptop and THAT IS IT.!!
I really hate it and I am sure I can't take it much longer either, when I try to talk to him about my work or our daughter he just glares at me and mumbles.
In the begining I didn't think it was going to last this long I swear I thought he would get bored but now 8 months later he is still doing it...

What can we do???

Wanda - posted on 01/27/2010

I'll admit to being guilty of this. I'm addicted to FarmVille on Facebook and COM. On the flip side, hubby loves his Xbox 360. But we only play our games after our son is in bed or napping. Since we both noticed that we go our separate ways most nights, we decided to limit our game time and spend some time together, just the two of us. You have a valid point, Sarah, these games do have a way of taking over your life.

Mel - posted on 01/27/2010

my friend of 17 yrs broke up with her partner of about 5 yrs because of World of war craft. you can see he still loves her. My fiance used to play all the time but hes cut down alot now. I couldnt handle it if he played all the time and didnt help with the house and kid

La - posted on 01/27/2010

My fiance doesn't play any games but he is borderline addicted to this paintball forum called PBNation. It used to bother me a lot when he would come straight home from work and spend all evening on the computer looking at endless threads about paintball parts for trade and sale...it used to make me even MORE mad when he would buy gear since we don't have $ to be wasting right now. He finally got the idea on his own that things are tight so he sold a bunch of his paintball parts to make up the difference in what he spent. He still browses the threads everyday, but I don't mind as much anymore because he spends as much time on that as I do on here now LOL. It's not as life consuming for him as when he first found that website. I've heard of guys that literally won't see their wife and kids for days when they are involved in online gaming though...I can only imagine how much that must suck. I'd be pissed if I felt that I was on the backburner to a GAME. Why don't you try to talk to him about it and compromise: allot a certain amount of time for his games and a certain amount of time for family interaction without the use of computers.