Preventive Measures....teens and sex

Angela - posted on 10/04/2012

My children are all grown up and they are 3 boys and one daughter.



Now I don't have an issue with putting a daughter on The Pill at 16, but in the UK the age of consent is 16 anyway and since all contraception is free at Family Planning Clinics, anyone who is 16 or over can get condoms, The Pill, the coil etc ...



Putting a daughter on the Pill at 15 or younger is different though. Under the age of consent they need a parent with them before they get the free contraception. I appreciate that if the girl has made her mind up to be sexually active at 13, 14 or 15 there may not be much we could do about it and she may as well be protected ......



The issue is that if she's under the age of consent, the boyfriend only needs to be a year or two older - maybe only a few months older - and if/when the relationship is over and maybe turns sour, she can make a complaint to the Police that he has had unlawful sex with her, a minor ..... The reason I am especially concerned about this situation (albeit a hypothetical one in my case since my kids are all adults) is that not only do I have a daughter, I also have 3 sons. I would have hated for any of my sons to have been in this position. A conviction means there is a lifelong black mark on a young man's criminal record that is never erased (unlike teenage shoplifting or joyriding). A Sex Offender is registered on the Sex Offender's Register. After the term of registration is over (say 5 years or 10 years) the individual STILL must declare the "offence" if he is asked about his record in view of certain career options/job applications.



So BEFORE I blindly agreed to assist an underage daughter to obtain contraception (of any kind), I would speak to her boyfriend AND his parents. Even if the boy is still underage himself ...... if they stay together a while, he only needs to be a couple of weeks older than her and at the point he reaches the age of informed consent and she's still underage, he's technically committing an offence.



I'm pretty certain that the parents of the boyfriend would THANK a girl's mother who was responsible enough to do this.

JuLeah - posted on 08/25/2011

I'd give the girl a box of condoms too, not just the boy. I'd also make sure they understood all the many ways to have sex, find pleasure, without intercourse ... both can enjoy themselves.

But, each needs to be mature enough to have the conversations, ask for what they want, know how to say yes and no, set limits .... But, if they can't have such conversations for whatever reason, they should not be having sex

Alison - posted on 08/25/2011

haha, I was raised with very strict expectations and rules and my children will be too. I will talk to them about sex openly, but no dating until 16, and no sex before marriage. I can't force them obviously, but if they make a mistake or go against what will very clearly be my beliefs and wishes, that's their decision and I will not be providing the material for them to think they're doing it "safely." Clearly I'm old-fashioned, but it worked for me. It wasn't even that hard.

Marie - posted on 08/25/2011

My daughter is 13, but has already experimented sexting. Never realized how much she already knew. She's had 2 bfs this year. They are now both saying words like "love you", love you babe, etc........... They text each other everyday when their not in school. They sound like they have a "love sickness". It is new to me. Since I have only one child. Never knew kids really did these things today. So I have decided to put her on bc. I don't want her becoming a teen mom. Plus I already talked to her about the birds and bees a long time ago. Yes, they see each outside of school.

Sherry - posted on 08/02/2011

DUAL protection at all times! If they are "talking" about having sex, then they ARE having sex. The precipice is that you want them to be protected, but you don't want to encourage them having sex. I make sure that my son understands the consequences of having sex and that I do not support his decision to have sex at 16. I alerted ALL parents. His girlfriend has a step-mom and step-dad, and all were notified of their plans to have sex, if they hadn't already. Fortunately, her parents were supportive and agreed that she should be protected as well as my son. We are doing everything possible to make sure that they are chaperoned at all times. The reality is, though, that if there is a will there's a way. . . The parents stay in constant communication with each other. It's a lot of work, but we are hoping to discourage them from engaging in sex. If they do, they will BOTH be protected. There will also be consequences, which I have spelled out to my son. That is, they will betray the trust of all parents and they will jeopardize the opportunity to see each other again. The pregnancy issue is a given as a consequence. That's all we can do as parents. Hopefully they will see that sex is NOT worth it and they should find other ways to enjoy each other!

Ella - posted on 07/08/2011

I guess Id hope she was responsible enough to know to use protection, like I knew. Im not surew what I would do until the time comes. My mum left it to me what I did, she knew I knew better as to me it was common sense, so I hope my kids will be the same

Casey - posted on 07/07/2011

If I had a teenage daughter I would definitley put her on the pill once she was 15 years old, my mum put me on the pill at that age and she also took the time to explain to me that being on the pill was no reason to not use condoms cause the pill will only protect me from falling pregnant but it wouldn't protect me from catching aids and dying, as a result of that little chat I have only ever had unprotected sex with one man and his the same man I am still with now. I myself was blessed with two beautiful boys so far and hubby and I always say that we will make sure they have plenty of access to condoms as soon as we feel they need to (around 14-16) I think if you don't make a big deal out of it and make them feel embarrassed then they'll be more likely to use them so we'll just buy "a few" boxes and leave them in they're bedrooms, wallets, bathrooms lol anywhere and everywhere!!!

Constance - posted on 07/07/2011

That is all I have been saying. Teenagers are teenagers. I don't condon behaviors I did when I was teenager but I am not nieve to think thy won't.

Truthfully if your teenager has the guts to tell you they are going to have sex then why not make sure they are being resonsible. If your teenager go out with friend and gets drunk. If they have the guts to call and say can you come get me? I am drunk. Then don't we as parents have a responsibility to say I am proud of you for making the decision to call instead of letting your drunk friend drive you home. It isn't condoning and yes talking about t is something that has to be done but give them credit were credit is deserved. Teenagers make mistakes teach them how to be responsible.

Vegemite - posted on 07/07/2011

Marina as a Christian I know a few people who think that if they bring their kids up in those values, including not to have sex before marriage they wont. I think it's a bit naive. Kids, even at toddler age, will do what they know they shouldn't. My just 2yr old will give himself away by saying um mah while he is up to mischief. I don't know why they think a teenager will be different. I think it's best just to educate them, let them know what the consequences can be and that I don't think it's wise for them to have sex yet and give them condoms when they get a girlfriend. Oh I'll also tell them that if they do get a girl pregnant I'll ring their necks then I'll be a good supportive Mother/Grandmother and they'll be good supportive Fathers.

Jeannette - posted on 07/07/2011

I can't really say at this point what I would do, since my son is only 20 months and my only child at the moment. I know my friend had joked about getting her daughter the Mirena when she was a teenager. I think no matter how good of a parent, no matter how many discussions you have, sex might happen. I hope and pray that my child/ren will want to come and talk with me before they start thinking about having sex.

I don't think that by putting your child on birth control or giving them condoms you are telling them it is okay to have sex. You are just trying to give them all the advice and give them measures for them to be responsible. I really hope my child/ren do not have children before they are married and finish college.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/07/2011

Exactly Chrissey, I know a lot of moms that won't even discuss sex with their kids, for some reason they think educating the about the facts of life will condone them to do it. Not the case. I also feel the same way about condoms and the pill. It is part of the education, and if they are going to have sex, I want them to be prepared. Not get an STD or pregnant because they are misinformed. I grew up with so many girls that thought you could not get pregnant your first time. I knew this one girl that had sex, and thought she was still a virgin because she didn't bleed. If someone had sat and talked with these kids, they would have known better.

Vegemite - posted on 07/06/2011

Yes! I wouldn't want my sons having sex until they are married because that's what I believe but teenagers will find a way to have sex if that's what they want to do or even if they don't and hormones take over. We all have those crap shouldn't have done that moments. So just to be sure I would. Explain that this doesn't mean I condone it just that it means if they do they're covered.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/06/2011

My sister who has worked in the public sex department (not sure how else to word it, she went around to prostitutes teaching them how to use a condom) she actually taught me how to put a condom on with my mouth. That was for the prostitutes to put one on without the male client being able to refuse it...viola...it is on!

Constance - posted on 07/06/2011

It is about prevention and true education. It isn't condoning them having sex. If we don't fully educate our children on the consequenses and how to protect themselves from STD's and pregnancy. It is no different than teaching them about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. We all know where it can lead and education is our defense in keeping our children on the right path. Talk to them and talk to them often. We have a responsibility to teavh our children how to make responsible decisions.
Show them what the consequinces can be. Show them a young teen mom, show them people at end stage AIDS. That is how we deter our children. That have to see with there own eyes the results.

Even one day I was watching a show on drug abuse. Two parents talked about there son being hooked on pills. He came to the brink of death. They didn't know if he would live but he did. He may have lived through it but he didn't truelly survive. He is completely handicapped now. His parents have to take care of a grown child like an infant. He understands what people say to him but he no longer can fully communicate. I had my kids watch this and it had more of an impact than anything I had told them.

Just be open minded and don't jump to conclusions when they ask. We do everything to guide our children, but all to often we immedently get angry instead of talking.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/06/2011

My son...well my husband can show him.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/06/2011

Emma, that is so funny, I was just gonna say I would teach my daughter how to put one on!

Stifler's - posted on 07/06/2011

Oh and I'd teach them how to put it on rather than just HERE YOU GO... incase school didn't teach them that already.

Stifler's - posted on 07/06/2011

I would give my daughter AND son the condoms too. I'm being honest here but every time I've had sex with a condom it's been me who puts it on the guy not him putting it on.

Tyrae - posted on 07/06/2011

My mom put me on bc at 16, but it ws the first "serious" relationship that I'd been in. I'm happy she did, not just for the obvious bc reasons but because it ended up reducing my cramps and length of my period. As a teen I ended up with such severe cramps I would puke and pass out. And my periods lasted a good week and a half to two weeks long.

That said, I think that if she is in a serious relationship and you can see it heading that direction I would do it. It's better then having a your son/daughter having a child at such a young age.

Laura - posted on 07/06/2011

This is a topic I feel strongly about. I've worked with teens for years and spent 2 years working in a public health department in a teen pregnancy prevention program. My daughter is young (6) but like many of you, I'm already thinking about this. I have a stepdaughter in her early 20's who's been on birth control since she was 15.
I think communication is key. I think making it a topic that is NOT forbidden is huge.
Why would we make condoms available to males, not females? I want my daughter to take responsibility for her decisions whatever form of birth control she uses.
Some points to keep in mind - and they are not pleasant: With the teens I worked with on pregnancy prevention: Most did NOT do well on the pill. They forgot to take it. They didn't keep track of their prescription, etc, etc. Birth control is only as effective as the person taking it. Although its not pleasant, Depo Provara was more effective. As far as side effects of hormonal birth control, great strides have been made and most side effects are temporary.
As far as fertility...the biggest threat to fertility for sexually active teens is STDs. Gonorrhea and chlamydia are rampant in teens - they are the fastest growing affected age group. The can cause pelvic inflammatory disease in young women.
A great site for birth control methods/education is www.thenationalcampaign.org, run by the national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy.

Constance - posted on 07/06/2011

I would never put my daughter on any form of birth control at the age of 11, 12, 13 and my daughter was a month away from being 15 when we started her birth control. We ae old fashion in the espect that they aren't suppost to date until 16. My daughter ended up being a little different because of her boyfriend. He is one of the greatest things that has happened to her. He loves her to death and I have told my husband we will never get this lucky again. They are really happy together.
My kids all know that bith control is no guarantee. Hell I have gotten pregnant on every form of birth control that I have ever been on including a tubal ligation. ight now I am on 3 different forms right now. I have my tubal, and IUD, and resently starrted depo again. My husband is going to get a vasectomy as well. If that doesn't work then I have no idea what will. But my kids know and I am hoping that will deter them from having sex until thee are truelly ready for children. If not then they will have protection and hopefully it will work.

Rosie - posted on 07/06/2011

i would make condoms readily available for my boys, if i had a girl i'm not sure how i would handle the pill thing. i'm not een on medicating someone without any reason too, especially a child. if i talked to my daughter and got the feelin she was having sex, i think i might then. thank god i have only boys, i'm not positive what i'd do with this one.

Minnie - posted on 07/06/2011

Hormonal birth control wigs me out. Not something I would want in my daughters' bodies.



I can't stop them. Oh, I suppose I could keep them under lock and key so they wouldn't have an opportunity to have sex, but I'm not sure that would foster a relationship of trust and openness. I would give my daughters the condoms.



Hopefully by then all they have been taught about their bodies and talking to us and responsibility will be sufficient.

Kristi - posted on 07/06/2011

http://www.contracept.org/teenrates.php
This website claims an 8.6 failure rate in teens for the first year due to increase fertility and taking in wrong. Some other info I found said 5 percent failure rate in teens.

Kelly - posted on 07/06/2011

Okay, I can't link studies, I access them through a private subscription service, but you can probably research them with these citations and find articles.....maybe.

Here are two:
Manlove, J., Ryan, S., & Franzetta, K. (2007). Contraceptive Use Patterns Across Teens’ Sexual Relationships: The Role of Relationships, Partners, and Sexual Histories. Demography, 44(3), 603-621.

Harlap S, Kost K and Forrest JD, The Alan Guttmacher Institute, 1991.

There was a much better one that actually looked at the rates of unintended pregnancies for specific age groups and what methods of birth control they were using then compared it with the whole populous of teens in that age group using that contraceptive and broke it down into percentages of effectiveness. That is the one I was thinking of but I can't find it. I actually found it the first time in a debate on COM, does anyone know the one I'm thinking of?

Kelly - posted on 07/06/2011

The 72% quote came off the drug info pamphlet that comes with birth control pills--the little booklet of small print that apparently no one reads. I forget what brand that particular one came from, but you can check websites--the lower percentage rate is due to both misuse and immature reproductive organs. The other percentage was from a study I read a year or so ago, and yes, it was an estimate, that is why I specifically said "something like 78%" I'll try to find a link to the study, I don't remember who did it.



Again, I am NOT saying that contraceptive should not be readily available to teens, just that they should not be the first line of defense, and that we must walk a fine line when offering it to them so as not to send them the message that they are ready to be sexually active.



Also, that it needs to be heavily, heavily emphasized that contraceptives CAN and DO fail. I volunteer with at risk teens and you would be amazed how many think that birth control & a condom mean they can't get pregnant.....and then they end up with a baby.

Stifler's - posted on 07/06/2011

If my kid had hormonal problems like I obviously did and never got the pill for I'd put her on the pill at 10 (if she's started her period eetc). But not in case of sexual activity.

Amie - posted on 07/06/2011

Erin, Nic started her period last year at 10. I can't imagine putting her on the pill then. I would have if she needed it like I did but not because she might have sex. =/ What a ludicrous suggestion! I can't believe parents do that.

Amie - posted on 07/06/2011

Yes. Our oldest is just 11 as of Sunday. She has all this information, her friends do not. I am not sure why but she knows to keep her mouth shut about it unless they come asking. I find it odd that so many parents do not equip their children with information to protect them around here.

When the time comes, if she is ready and still a teenager, we will talk it over with her again. If she's sure then yes I will take her to the doctor so she can get birth control. I will even drop her off at the pharmacy so she can fill her prescription. I will not get it for her. If she's old enough for sex, she's old enough to walk in there and look them in the eye to get it herself. Same for our boy and condoms as well as our younger girls when they reach this point.

I do expect them all to make smart decisions, that means birth control and condoms. If they are with someone who does not (or can not because of parents) use one of these then they do not need to be having sex with that person. If you are not going to take every measure to protect yourself, you are not ready for sex. If you can not talk to your parents or another trusted adult (because we all know their are parents out there in denial who are not giving their kids the right information) about how to properly protect yourself, you should not be having sex. If an oops does happen, we'll deal with that bridge if it ever shows up. etc. etc. etc.

My parents were open with us but never as open as I have been with mine. Mine said all the right things, they tried but they fell short. I was on BC but not for sex reasons, medical ones that related to my period. I knew what it was for but I did not know that it had to be taken at the same time each day nor was I told (by my parents or doctor) that certain antibiotics can make the BC ineffective (hello baby #1). I knew what condoms were for but we didn't always use them. I was on BC!

It really is that easy for parents to mean well but fall short. I will try harder not fall short for my children. If they do end up teen parents, I will help them ten fold. My parents did it for me. I do not want that life for my children but nor will I tell them what they can do with their own body. I will continue to foster an open, trusting, non judgmental relationship with my children. I hope they make the right decisions but that's all I (or any other parent) can do. I won't take away options and I will always be here. The rest, is up to them.

Erin - posted on 07/06/2011

I would not force her if she didn't want to (bodily integrity is kinda important to me ;) ), but we would certainly be having the discussion. I don't see providing BC as condoning sexual activity. I see it as a 'prepare for worst case scenario' approach. I hate the thought of my daughter having sex at 15. She has her whole life to be tied down to a relationship (or a baby!) and answerable to someone else (either partner or baby). I do not want that for her as a teenager!! And she will know that. But I am also realistic. I can talk til I'm blue in the face, and she may still make a less-than-ideal choice. I would not be doing my job as her mother if I didn't make preparations for that.

I have heard people say they will be putting their daughter on the Pill (or shot, or Implanon) the second they start their periods. I can't agree with that (especially since, for me, that was at 11). But you can bet that if my daughter comes home with a boyfriend at 15, we will be going through all the options together.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/06/2011

You know, I can look back and say I was not to young to have sex. I was 17 years old, and ready. I can truly say it was not to young, and if my kids started having sex at that age, I would be fine with it. I have even considered how I will deal with it all. Of course talking and making sure they fully understand all aspects, but also if I would let them have sex under my roof.

When my husband and I were engaged to be married, we had already been living together for many years. We went to visit my mom, and she would not let us share a bedroom. I was 25 or 26. I think that was ridiculous. She actually even knew when I was having sex as a teen. She is in no way old fashion, and still to this day, I do not understand it. I do not plan on being like that.

Carmina - posted on 07/06/2011

definetly the pill

Stifler's - posted on 07/06/2011

Yes. When I was 15-16 my parents knew nothing of my sexual escapades. Teenagers are very good at hiding things regardless of how close you are.

Constance - posted on 07/06/2011

@Kristi, Girls do need to be fully educated on the pill if it is going to work properly. My girls have Implanion the arm implant. Then I know that they are protected at all times unless they have to take certain medicines.

Kristi - posted on 07/06/2011

*I meant to say the pill not just birth control.*

Constance - posted on 07/06/2011

@Kelly I do agree that teenagers should not have sex. They are too young to fully understand the consequenses of having sex. Yes they have to have proper education on every point of sex. Making sure that if they do make that decision they have a safety net to prevent something that can and will change their lives. I would much rather know that my kids did everything not to get pregnant. Instead of ignoring the fact that it could happen with or without my knowledge.
Out of couriosity where did you get you statistics on the effectiveness on birth control?

Amanda - posted on 07/06/2011

Can you please give a link to the study that claims those stats Kelly.

Kelly - posted on 07/06/2011

Hormonal birth control is also only 72% effective in girls under 18. It rises to something like 78% or so between 18 & 20, but does not reach the 99% advertised until after age 21.

Kelly - posted on 07/06/2011

"You are not saying that, any more than you are saying that it's okay for your kid to wreck the car by adding them on to your insurance policy. " --Krista

No, by adding them to my insurance policy, I am saying that it is okay for them to DRIVE, not wreck my car. Even with insurance, there are consequences to wrecking. By giving them birth control, without PROPER education, you are saying that it is okay to have sex. Getting pregnant is a consequence of sex, and it can happen with or without "insurance."

Someone above talked about a teen mom who had sex using a condom, then used Plan B and still got pregnant. That is a perfect example of why teens should not have sex, with or without protection, until they are ready to become parents.

Kristi - posted on 07/06/2011

My only worry with bc as a sole preventative measure is that most teenage girls and even young women in their early 20s don't know how to properly take it. If you don't take it everyday at the same time (3 hour window) you are not protected against pregnancy like you would think. What scares me is when parents aren't open with their kids to talk about sex so that child either has sex with no protection or they go to Planned Parenthood to get the pill and aren't educated on the proper method. I'm not dogging PP I just know I used to get my bc there with no pap and no explaination I just picked it up.

Constance - posted on 07/06/2011

Krista I am in full agreement with you.

Krista - posted on 07/06/2011

That said, teens do have brains, and they can use them to make informed decisions if we equip them. If you go out and put a kid on birth control, you are basically saying "it is okay with me if you go have sex." because they would not need the birth control if it were not okay for them to have sex.

Um no. You are not saying that, any more than you are saying that it's okay for your kid to wreck the car by adding them on to your insurance policy.

You can TALK to your teenager about respecting themselves and their bodies, and about waiting until they are physically, emotionally and fiscally able to deal with any unintended consequences that may arise from having had sex. You can also say that, much like putting insurance on the car, putting them on birth control is not carte blanche to act recklessly. It is simply protection in case of a lapse of judgment, or in case (heaven forbid) of rape.

Constance - posted on 07/06/2011

I know that a lot of people think that "16 and Pregnant" glorifies teen pregnacy but personally I don't think it does.

I was watching The finale Life after Labor. One girl actually was using condoms with her BF and they never didn't use them. The one time the condom break she went to get the emergency pill Plan B. She still got pregnant. Talking early and often is the way to pevent pregnacy and STD's. The stigma has to be removed from it. My kids know that I want them to be out of college and have a career before they have children. I don't think they will remain virgins until then but I would like it if they stay virgians until after high school.

Amanda - posted on 07/06/2011

Giving a teenager birth control or condoms does NOT encourage sex. I never understood this mind set! My mother always made sure I had condoms from the age of 13 on. First time I had sex was almost 18, not even living in my parents home any longer. This is why you also need to speak to your teenagers about sex.

Sal - posted on 07/06/2011

and we have talked condoms as i have a so and the pill doesn;t stop stds, but if i had a daughter of that age i might consider the injection or implant as birthcontrol as a safe guarde but impress that that is only going to stop babies not the stds

Sal - posted on 07/06/2011

i am in this position too, my son has a gf who according to rumor had sex with a previous bf so he kind of thinks he is in so to speak, i have talked to him and really tried to impress on him that this is a grown up situation and he should behave accordingly, and that seen as she is a few months younger than him once he turns 16 next feb he will be legal and she won;t be and if her parents want to he can be charged with rape even if she is concenting (they are super strict and very religous) so be prepared to be treated as an adult and act like one, how ever seen as they have totally grounded her for the forseeable future there is a little repreive here (i think she is grounded for sending text messages about how she wanted to have sex with my son), lord help us when she get off grounding
and for the record i don;t think grounding untill your child is of age is a good move, but makes me life easier at the moment..

Constance - posted on 07/06/2011

I am very open with my kids about sex. Pros and cons. They know that they should wait but they are teenagers and things happen. My Older 4 have birth control in one or more forms. My 19 yr old has sex but I am not prepared to raise her child as well so she and my 15 yr old have the arm implant. My 15 yr old has had the same boyfriend for 2 years. I want to prevent as much as I possiably can. I don't condone them haviing sex but i will not be blind to the issue that it only takes one time and it can change a life forever. My boys have condoms as well. You can bet that when they figure out how to prevent swimmers then your damn right they will have daily pills or shots too.

Jessica - posted on 07/06/2011

I was put on the pill when I was 14 with the hopes of keeping my period regular, not because my mom was worried about me having sex. I didn't actually lose my virginity til I was 16 and since then I have remained on the pill til about 2 months before my wedding in 2009, never had any pregnancy scares. I was lucky though, my mom is really awsome and was/is always there to talk to without judgement, so I was always well informed on things sex related and comfortable talking to her about it. Now preggers with babe no.2, and both times having gone off b/c I have become pregnant damn near the moment I was off! Luckily, thats what me and hubby wanted, and after this babe, hubby is going in and getting snipped! :)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/06/2011

Yes Kelly, I figured someone would feel like giving condoms out or putting a teenager on birth control would be giving the green light to having sex. That really isn't what I would personally want to do. I would want my children to be protected, because chances are, they will have sex. If not in high school, then in college.

Kelly - posted on 07/06/2011

You are right, children are having sex very young, long before they are actually ready to face the consequences of that action, but do you really think the best solution is to encourage them to have sex when they feel like it, as long as they use protection (which can and does often fail) or to teach them what it really means to be "ready" to have sex?

So many teens think they are ready to start having sex because they are in a 'serious' relationship, or that they are in love--even if they are in love, it does not mean they are equipped to have sex. The first line of defense should be teaching children what it REALLY means to be "ready" THEN making sure they have access to protection as a back up plan. They need a tangible list of criteria that they can understand and determine whether they meet the criteria and thus are ready, or do not and thus should abstain.

I cringe when parents say "I put her on birth control because she is in a serious relationship," as if the fact that she is in a relationship means that she is somehow ready to raise a child. The logic baffles me. A serious relationship is great, but it does not qualify or equip one to raise a child or deal with a life long std.