Raped & Pregnant: What Would You Do???

Allie - posted on 03/23/2012

i dont like putting my buissness out here for the world because i dont like people to judge my life or the desicions i made im not ashamed of the decisions i made but :



i grew up in los angeles and my brother had a best friend and we all grew up together as we got older he was 15 and i was 13 we all went to school together and everything he was my first kiss my first love and he started getting into bad stuff drugs and gang stuff etc,i loved him and tried to make him change when one day he came to see me and he was on drugs and he got violent and raped me at 13,i ended up pregnant with my daughter. he then started to change little by little i know its stupid to still love the man who hurt you and abused you but he was different when i fell in love with him,but story goes on he got out of the gang life but still continued to use drugs and a few years later at age17 almost 18 i dropped my daughter off at her nanas house his mother and he happened to be there doing drugs in his car when his mother was leaving to take my daughter to the beach i was unpacking my daughters stuff out of my car into her nanas house for the weekend and he was so messed up in the head from the drugs he came after me when and i ran into his moms house and locked the door he broke the window and got in he hit me and then he raped me after he realized what he had done again and he told me he needed help and he loved me and never ment to hurt me and he wanted me to help him i decided to help him because i knew that it wasn't him and i could help him become the man i once knew in that process i learned i was pregnant once again. i had my son during all this,so we got him help hes been off drugs for years now no gang life involved hes got a great job we worked things out between me and him for the kids and hes a wonderful man we ended up getting married because he is the man i fell in love with back then and he was my child hood sweet heart before he got into all that but we are married happy two wonderful children which i love with all my heart and we recently tried for another baby and we are expecting #3 a little girl and i dont need people to judge me on my decisions my husband got help hes been perfect all these years now so we are a happy family now .

Mother - posted on 02/26/2012

MeMe....What a heinous crime. {{huggs}}

Mother - posted on 02/26/2012

UGH....that's a tough one. My decision may change if I was actually in the situation but at the moment...thinking with just my head and no emotion...my knee jerk reaction would be to abort.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 02/26/2012

Stephanie I feel for you and I am sorry you ever had to go through this.



For me, I am against abortion unless the pregnancy will cause deadly outcome for the mother.



If it were to happen to me I would keep the baby. It is most definitely not the desired way to become pregnant but IMO it was not the babies fault. It was not my fault. It however, is the way the circumstances presented themselves. In no way am I suggesting it would be easy but in the end this is my baby and this baby deserves life.



I understand not everybody feels this way, which is why I do believe in the morning after pill. It does not kill the baby, it kills any sperm that is on it's way to fertilizing an egg.



It is a tough decision for everyone if they had been through such a terrible ordeal. It is just not the babies fault.



I have not read all or any comments here except the OP's. So I apologize now if I have offended anyone. This is my opinion and how I would take control of the situation, only.



Edited to add - BTW - I was raped at age 14, it was amongst so called "friends". I was at my boyfriends drunk as drunk can be and in the washroom getting sick when his friend came in and raped me. It was not extremly forceful as I was too inebriated and sick to fight him off, I do however remember it all. I left that night, called my mom to come and get me. I have never ever spoke to any of them again. That was 22 years ago. I chopped it up to me being stupid, I should not have been drunk at that age. However, that is me, I am not saying it was my fault but I was not correct in the situation either... Not everyone can look at that situation as I have. So please don't come back at me with any fight. This happened to me and it is how I was able to cope and how I still feel about the situation.

Amanda - posted on 02/25/2012

I realize this post is old but I was searching adoption on this website and this post came up in the search engine.



I just wanted to say, thank you for speaking out about your experience and sharing your views. People do not often get to hear about the perspective of women who were raped and planned to parent.

Stephanie - posted on 06/09/2011

Thank you Ashley. : ) I made this thread months ago and re-read it earlier and must have triggered it to pop up again lol. Yeah I think you posted way back when it was new but it's always nice to hear from you again. It's amazing how much a person grows between the ages of 16 to 37, you are a world away from who you once were, but my stance on this has not changed. God forbid Id ever be in that situation again.

Ashley=) - posted on 06/09/2011

I truly can't say what i would do.We can not tell 100% what we would do individually unless in the situation.We don't know how were going to cope.

I like to think i would be strong enough to carry the baby and give birth.I can not say if i would be able to raise the baby myself.I could of posted already..to lazy to go back and check..sorry if i have lol.:-)Just to add Stephanie, you have a wonderful attitude towards what must of been a horrible ordeal.You kept focused and you wanted to do right by your unborn.I am sorry for your loss of that little baby.

Starr - posted on 03/02/2011

I agree Laura. A baby is a gift. But as we can all clearly see not every woman feels the same. Those of us who don't believe in abortion will never understand how another woman can choose to kill a baby that is half them. It doesn't mean that we think the aborter is less of a person than we are. Or that we are better than them. It's our choice to feel how we do about a human life.

Laura Zoey - posted on 03/02/2011

I think alot of it has to do with how you view pregnancy. I mean I've always been taught that every baby is a gift, and unique, and precious. So to me every conception is beautiful. No matter how the baby came to be I feel the baby is a gift.

Some people are raised to think babies mean the end of your freedom, or like an anchor to keep you from reaching your goals. To them I'd understand how a baby from rape would be painful to carry.

I'd see it as like the rainbow at the end of the storm, like a gift for enduring such trauma.

Or at least thats how I've imagined I'd feel. I can't say for sure, but to me a fetus is a precious gift and deserve very special care and love.

Sarah - posted on 03/02/2011

Shonda, i completely agree with you! Everything you just said i agree with.
I haven't been in that awful situation to that extent, and i am so sorry that you have. It just means that i can't judge or offer any real insight because i really don't know what it would be like.
I am pro life and definitely think every life is beautiful no matter where they came from. I think i would love my own child no matter who the dad is or how they were conceived :) but i can understand why some women wouldn't be strong enough to go through that kind of pregnancy.

Mary Renee - posted on 03/01/2011

I think your personal background is extremely insightful in this issue. I've seen posts about this kind of thing before but never heard from someone personally and I really appreciate you sharing your story.



I think this is a case that really depends on the feelings of the individual. In your case, you loved this baby and considered it yours. If this happened to me, and I ended up feeling the same way and I felt like I love this baby, I too would keep it.



I don't think I have the balls for adoption. I mean that with all due respect to anyone who has ever been involved with adoption. I just know what it felt like to have my daughter (who wasn't planned) and in spite of the issues between me and her father and in spite of the drastic unplanned change in my life I loved that girl and could never ever have ever even considered giving her up. I can't even watch teens give their newborns to the adopted parents on TV. Like on Teen Mom. I'm really proud of that girl for making such a responsible decision, but I could never do it.



I think (for some) abortion would be easier then adoption because adoption would require you carry this baby for 9 months. If you didn't "feel" like the baby was yours (due to the traumatic way it was conceived - I think that's very understandable) waking up pregnant with a rapists baby for 9 months would be like having your body violated over and over the entire pregnancy.



I think the best case scenario (or at least, the best case scenario for a worst case situation) I would try to immediately get the morning-after-pill as soon as possible. If that was not an option (like in your case) it would depend on how I felt after I found out I was pregnant. This would be one instance where I would forgive myself for an abortion if that's how I felt, but if I ended up feeling like you and wanting to keep it and knew I would love them no matter what, then that's the right decision too.



I guess, bottom line if you've lived through that terrifying circumstance, you deserve to have support with whatever outcome you chose, be it abortion, adoption, or keeping the baby.

Shonda - posted on 03/01/2011

I think to kill my own baby reguarless of how it was concieved whether i was out doin the dirty with 30 guys or I was raped (which i have been) the baby is still mine. Yes my body has been violated, but had I actually been old enough to concieve, I definately would have kept it. It basically comes down to this: 1. the baby didn't ask to start growing inside of you (even if you wanted it or not) 2. look at it as a possitive , again an act so evil created something/someone NO ONE would ever be able to give to you. each child is a different person. I have 3 I know... each one is unique in their own way... I don't think criticizing someone for miscarring is the best thing to do. it happens to the best of us. just a part of life, just know God has a plan for everything, it just wasn't time for you to have a baby yet, your time will come (God willing) but that was just not it yet.

Sarah - posted on 03/01/2011

@Shonda, i also think the 'your body your rights' is crap! Its not your body, its someone else's body inside of you. A little soul you have been given to look after :) i see abortion as playing god.
However, when it comes to rape 'your body your rights' doesn't exist and you have no rights :( so i can understand in that situation. but good on you for being strong enough to say in that awful situation you would keep the baby :) i like to think i'd be that strong but i don't know. i still think i'd find it harder to kill my own baby :(

Shonda - posted on 03/01/2011

I would keep the baby, no matter the reason for the pregnancy the baby is still HALF you. I'm against abortion 100%. I don't get into women's rights of its my body my decision, yes it is YOUR body, but ultimately its not your decision to kill. Its murder, & women taking on God's role. But even with such an evil act as rape, that baby will hold bitter sweet feelings when you hold it in your arms. something so beautiful created out of evilness... Its nothing but beautiful.

Sarah - posted on 03/01/2011

I'm not posting to debate abortions. Everyone's probably sick of me pointing out how wrong and disgusting abortions are, other than rape and medical reasons.
What i don't understand is why people would abort, not use sperm donors or not adopt babies with a criminal father. My partners parents both break the law, were violent, using drugs, and doing heaps of awful things i don't know about, at the time of conception, during pregnancy and in front of him as a little boy.
He couldn't be closer to the exact opposite of them now. He wasn't raised by them he was raised in a stable loving home and he would never walk out on his family the way they walked out on him.
Its nature versus nurture i guess but i believe that you inherit your looks, build, some illnesses, and maybe some personality traits, but how you are raised is what effects the choices you make in life and how you handle difficult situations.
If everyone whos descended from a criminal became one, the whole of australia would be breaking the law LOL!
oh and i dont think we should be judging people who aborted as a result of rape. The difference there is they didn't put themselves in a situation where they may get pregnant, where as everyone else having consensual sex is no matter how careful they thought they were.

Nikkole - posted on 03/01/2011

I would keep the baby if i were raped and pregnant, i could NEVER have an abortion (unless my life or the child's were in danger). Just because the father is a rapist that doesn't mean anything it's just as much the mother's baby to. I know some women couldn't go through a pregnancy related to rape and i respect your choice and right i just couldn't do it!! If i were to find out now i was pregnant (hubby had a vasectomy 4 months ago) even tho we dont necessarily want another child i would not have an abortion i look at my kids and i cant believe anyone would want to kill the "potential baby", "fetus" "baby" whatever anyone wants to say, it just breaks my heart to think of all the unwanted babies even the ones who want to be adopted or who are living on the streets!!

Amber - posted on 03/01/2011

i had an abortion and i wasn't raped. it's actually a really easy decision to make under certain circumstances.

Janessa - posted on 03/01/2011

Why are people shocked that someone would abort if they were raped? I mean come on everyone makes life decisions for themselves no one else. Anyways someone said new borns get adopted all the time it depends what race you are and if your a white babie and are born healthy you win the lottery. It is the truth because my parents adopted for lousinia a black baby girl if it wasn't for them she would likely still be in the system. I am a family of adoptees majority of people who adopt are white and majority of them want white children that look like them and those kinds are willing to wait for years and years to get a white baby.My parents told me this and agencies told me parents what goes on because they have friends that are social workers in the adoption area. When my parents were prepared to come see my sister as a new born. They agencey called my parents and asked them if they still wanted to adopt my sister still because she had gotten very dark and many people who adopt will not take a child if they are darker it is a true story people wake up the world is not a candies and rainbows I wish it was but it is not.

Laura Zoey - posted on 03/01/2011

But it's definitely alive, with a heart, brain, etc.
It's definitely human, chromosomes, DNA, cells etc.
Baby-fetus just words. But it is alive and it is human.
Causing a heart to stop beating would be ending the life I think....

Like I said, I accept that I'll never understand. And that i dont have to understand. Doesn't make it any easier to think about

Chatty - posted on 03/01/2011

Laura, I can't fathom how you can't fathom how someone can end a pregnancy. ;)

LaCi - posted on 03/01/2011

Because not everyone views a fetus as being a baby. It's really pretty simple.

Laura Zoey - posted on 03/01/2011

I'm to psychologically fragile to stop the heartbeat of another human being.
Idk how ending your babies life is easier then letting him or her live.....
If you can't stand to look at the child who is half yours, then let someone else give him or her a family.

How on earth abortion is easier I will never understand.
There is a tiny little baby inside you, no matter how it got there, it's from your egg. It could have your eyes, your smile, your food preferences etc.

Sorry, I know I'll just never understand. I accept I'm not in the majority, and I'm not trying to claim to be 'right'
But I seriously can not fathom how someone can end a pregnancy.

Teresa - posted on 03/01/2011

What if it's a non convicted rapist who 'acts' just like a normal person? There is no way to know...... It just takes one stupid and sick moment to 'change' a person from 'normal' to a rapist (not in every situation, of course, but some....).

Amber - posted on 03/01/2011

actually, now that i think about it, i'm pretty sure every sperm donor IS psychologically evaluated by law. that is, as long as you're going through a legit bank and not buying underground sperm, LOL. and who knows these days. i know that you get ALL the info about your donor before you choose one, and it's a very lengthy bio. i doubt they would leave out a persons mental stability when it comes to choosing a sperm donor, that's kind of a big issue. and i also doubt that rapists and child molesters are donating sperm.

Amber - posted on 03/01/2011

i'm not saying that the child is less of a human, i'm saying that personally i would not want a rapist as my childs father. that person is a part of the child too, as much as it is "your" baby. regarding the sperm donor thing, that is just another reason i would not use a sperm donor to become pregnant. just saying. not only that but i could not raise a child who was product of my rape. i'm too psychologically fragile. so, i would have had an abortion.

Teresa - posted on 03/01/2011

There's nothing wrong w/ my kids regardless of who their father is......

Laura Zoey - posted on 03/01/2011

I don't think the baby is any less of a human being just because the father was bad. My brothers bio dad is in jail, idk what specificly but it was for a violent crime. My brother is so sweet and loving.
And what about sperm donors? I'm sure they are checked medically to make sure they are healthy and well, but do you think every sperm donor is mentally evaluated?
Sperm donors could be sex addicts, or rapists, or molesters, or woman abusers, or any number of mental issues.
I think less is determined by the parents genes then we think, mostly it's how you raise your child.

Amber - posted on 03/01/2011

i would have had an abortion. i would not want my child to have a rapist as a father, making a baby takes two people no matter how you look at it.

Casey - posted on 02/28/2011

Thats really sad that you went through all of that and I think you are very brave for wanting to keep your baby and not looking at the baby as a result of rape but looking at it instead as your baby.
I honestly couldn't say what I would do in that situation and I think it would be very hard for anyone to comment on how they would handle it unless they have been through it themselves, I would like to think that I could be as strong as you and keep the baby or at least give it up for adoption but I really don't know weather I am a strong enough person to do that. I am against abortion too but I think in some situations it may be just one of the better options for someone who has been through something like this and isn't able to cope with it all, I don't think anyone deserves to be judged if they made that decision if they were in this kind of situation.

Jackie - posted on 02/28/2011

Do you want to know what is truly disgusting to me? The fact that these monsters are everywhere! People that will hurt children and violate a woman in the worst way around every corner... I've read most of your stories and rapists and molesters are as common as a petty thief. WTF?!

I don't know what I would do but I think I would probably abort. I hope that I'm never faced with that and I'm sorry that anyone has had to.

Becky - posted on 02/28/2011

Stephanie, thank you for sharing your story. You are so strong, and I admire you for turning your past into such a beautiful life now. So many just get stuck in the past and cannot get beyond it.
For me personally, while I cannot say for sure what I would do without being in the situation, I am almost 100% certain I would have the baby. I am very pro-life and I think knowing I had killed my baby would make me feel even worse than living with the fact that I'd been raped. I think that we would probably keep and raise the baby, but I can't say for sure - my husband and I have never actually discussed how he would feel about that. If he felt very strongly that he couldn't do it, we would choose adoption, but I suspect that he would feel that if it was my child, then it was our child. If it had happened before I was married, I would have kept the baby. I wanted to be a mom so badly, it ultimately wouldn't have mattered how the baby was conceived. In my teens, I don't think I would have had an option, but the opposite of some of you here. Because I lived in Africa, I'm not sure a safe abortion would even have been available. I'm sure the Baptist mission hospital or the doctors from there that visited our Christian boarding school would not have performed one!

Joy - posted on 02/28/2011

Yeah, I don't think I would ever tell the child how they were concieved either. I'd rather him or her to think I was careless in "not knowing" who the father is, than to know that they came from such a horrible begining.

Stephanie - posted on 02/28/2011

Louise- That was 21 years ago. I am married with 2 beautiful children now. I have moved on from the things that happened in my childhood and have a wonderful life now. I'm very happy and thank God for each and every day and for the love and security I've been blessed with. The good things in my life far, far out weigh the bad things that happened. I have had 10 miscarriages total now and loved each and every one of my babies. My little angels are in heaven and one day we'll meet again. I know alot of people roll their eyes at that thought but for me, whether it be truth or just a coping mechanism, this is what gives me peace.



Marina- I agree with you. I don't think I would ever tell my child how it was conceived. I wouldn't want to lie but how awful to know that your existance is based on a horrific crime. I think I would tell her/him that it was a donor or something like that. I don't know, it would be really hard.

Louise - posted on 02/28/2011

Blimey I am speechless. You are one strong woman to of wanted to carry on the pregnancy and I believe that you would of been one hell of a protective loving mother. Any miscarriage is devastating I should know I had three and one of which was triplets. In your mind you were already protecting that baby and planning a life you were going to have together. It would of been a really bumpy road with many awkward questions about parentage but I think you would of coped.

All I can say to you now is look forward to your next pregnancy conceived in love with a man that loves and respects you. Never forget your lost baby but try and put it to the back of your mind because if you don't it will eat away at you. I hope the future holds some happiness for you as you have been through so much, so young. God Bless xx

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2011

I do know for sure, that if I did chose to have the child, I would NEVER EVER let them know how there life began. I would never want them to live with that. Me as a parent dealing with it is enough.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/28/2011

I am so sorry to all of you woment that had to endure such a terrible crime. My hearts go out to every one of you. I hope every last one of you was able to find justice, and peace within yourselves.

Stephanie, thank you for sharing such a personnal secret, and helping others to talk about it.

I have been thinking about this question since you have posted it, and have put alot of thought into my answer.

5 years ago, before ever having children, I would have immediately had an abortion, no questions about it. Now that I have had 2 children, I am not sure that I would be able to terminate a pregnancy. It is not the childs fault that it was conceive in such a brutal way. But, having that reminder forever would haunt me daily. I am not very good at letting things go, and I would fear not loving the child as much as my others, or always being afraid they would grow up into a monster themselves. I suppose that I would take the morning after pill as a precaution. That is the best answer I can give.

April - posted on 02/28/2011

I am amazed at the number of women on this thread who have admitted to being raped themselves. It is shocking to learn how common this is and very sad. I don't know if I should include myself, as well. My mother told me a few years back that when I was a small toddler one of the neighbors molested me. I don't remember it at all. Does it still count if you don't remember? The only "evidence" I have is a picture of him dressed as Santa Claus and I am crying my head off. I can kind of remember not liking him, but can't remember the actual act.

ME - posted on 02/28/2011

Very sorry for your sad past! I had a similar experience in college, but used Plan B within 72 hours...I guess I'll never know whether I would have gotten pregnant or not...

Stephanie - posted on 02/28/2011

I look at those years as a very small part of the big picture. It doesn't define who I am. I am free to make my own life now and seek my own happiness. We're just people who got a rough start in life. : )

Sarah - posted on 02/28/2011

aww i would adopt a baby conceived by rape. i think a lot of people would. A baby is a baby, it shouldn't make any difference to the adoptive parent who wasn't involved in the horrific conception.
I know a few 'system babies' and as you said stephanie, they still value their life. Even though they had some awful times in their childhood, now that they are past it they are no different to anyone else :)

Stephanie - posted on 02/28/2011

Jocelyn- That's your choice to make if ever faced with the situation, God forbid you would be. But think of this, even though no one in the world may choose to become parents to this child, even though this child will be deprived of motherly love, this child will still grow to value ones life and possibly create their own family and have amazing relationships and love. I know I have and I do. I'm very happy to be alive. My life hasn't been typical by any means but that doesn't mean I don't want to live it. ♥

Sarah - posted on 02/28/2011

@Jane, that's the whole nature vs nurture debate isn't it! I personally would have the faith in myself and my parenting skills not to worry about any genetic traits being passed down, and would jump on top of any strange or violent behaviour as soon as i noticed it.
I think there have been studies proving that there is no link there, but psychology is such a huge topic, you just can't know for sure. But really, aborting a baby because you're worried its a rapist is silly. Aborting because you have been raped and wouldn't cope isn't. :)

Sneaky - posted on 02/27/2011

@Jane, I think there have been studies disproving the genetic/rapist hypothesis . . . I vaguely remember reading something like that a few years ago (Yeah for baby brain!).

Even if being a rapist did have a genetic link (as far as I know that has never been proven) and it was passed onto a child, that child's upbringing and childhood would determine if they grew up to hurt other people, not the gene by itself.

Laura - posted on 02/27/2011

wow i have so much respect for you and how you handled this situation. For me, i think id abort. Im not the biggest abortion fan but i really dont think i could handle that, but hey i guess thats the kind of thing that u have to actually experience to know what you would really do.

Jane - posted on 02/27/2011

Some food for thought on this...has anyone considered genetic mental issues for a baby conceived in this manner? The person who "raped" obviously has issues and I would fear that genetics might pass down a mental illness. That would not be my only reason for aborting, but that would be one factor..

Jane - posted on 02/27/2011

I would abort. No doubt in my mind.

Andriea - posted on 02/27/2011

I realise that this is a sensative matter and apoligise if some of you got the wrong immprestion. I am also friends with a women who has had 2 children as a result of this horrible act i am not a judgmentle person in any respects as i have enough life experiances to know better.

Andriea - posted on 02/27/2011

Ok tbh i didnt wont to say this, yes i have been raped and sexually abused i was 6 years old and it was by a man that lived 4doors down from me he also did the same to my sister in front of me, i would never give such a strong opinion unless i felt i have some kind of place in it, i am pro-choice on the matter of abortion and have supported 2 friends through it i personally just couldn't do it my self .

Shana - posted on 02/27/2011

I...actually cried reading this post. D;

You must be very strong and I admire you. I don't think that I could have an abortion, my personal view on this is that it's unfair for the child-to-be. I think I would have put the baby up for adoption. With the hope that the child would be placed into a lovely caring home and grow up happily. I personally don't think that I could live with seeing the child everyday knowing that he/she was the outcome of rape.

I would put the baby up for adoption.

Cyndel - posted on 02/27/2011

Wow, a rough past. I completely agree with your mind
set, of connecting to the baby no matter how it was
conceived. I've known since I was about 12-13 I could never give a baby of mine up for adoption, and abortion
is completely out of the question for me. I would keep the child. A blessing in the midst of pain and devastation.