Sexpectations

Mrs. - posted on 05/07/2011 ( 54 moms have responded )

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So, I was reading this thread on the Welcome page about sex and being disinterested in it. It got me thinking after reading about how many women, after having kids, gaining weight or just growing old, are not at all interested in sex with their partners. I started wondering about expectations and sex - I thought it would make a lively debate.

So, what do you think, if a woman has decided that she is not at all interested in sex with her husband/SO...or just in sex at all, should that woman's partner be expected to be faithful? Can you blame a man ( or woman for our lesbian friends), who has been cut-off for years and feels unwanted by his spouse, for straying? What do you think about those who have special arrangements where they are allowed to have sex outside the marriage because one partner is not interested, but still like being married?

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Charlie - posted on 05/07/2011

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"What do you think about those who have special arrangements where they are allowed to have sex outside the marriage because one partner is not interested, but still like being married? "

I think if it is a mutual decision that they are both happy with then good on them for making it work .

"should that woman's partner be expected to be faithful?"

Yes but personally I think when it goes beyond just being tired the partner not getting any should realize there is a problem and try and work through it to establish that connection through sex again and re ignite a healthy relationship with sex .

"Can you blame a man ( or woman for our lesbian friends), who has been cut-off for years and feels unwanted by his spouse, for straying?"

Yes because they are not recognising the problem they are just feeding their urge , you cannot just discard a partner because they have issues you need to be the partner you committed to be and help them through it .

Charlie - posted on 05/08/2011

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I have said this before and tiredness aside I do feel not wanting sex at all or worse having an aversion to it is not healthy and often is a symptom of deeper issues , I am shocked that people leave it for so long without recognizing that it isnt normal to not have a sex drive , your sex drive is very much part of your make up as a human .

I think that if a couple goes into a stage of no sex or sex drive for extended periods of time it isnt such a bad thing to seek advice from a doctor or a counsellor .

Medications are well known to reduce sex drive and this is unfourtunate but if it is a treatment that is needed than there isnt much else you can do but doctors say that in about a third of their patients, a drop in libido is medical—a result of heart disease, a thyroid or other hormone imbalance, diabetes, or hypertension.

MD, executive director of the Southern California Center for Sexual Health and Survivorship Medicine in Newport Beach, Calif., finds that 10% to 15% of women who come in for low libido have untreated thyroid problems that can be handled quite effectively with medication.

Low testosterone or estrogen is also commonly linked to sex drive problems; postmenopausal women may be prescribed topical estrogen (or sometimes oral estrogen); older men with low levels may be treated with testosterone patches or shots.

These are all things women should be aware of because it can and often is linked to a myriad of health issues and should not be considered normal .

Nikki - posted on 05/11/2011

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I suppose each to their own when it comes to your partner finding a sex buddy if there is a sexual problem within your relationship. Not something I would be comfortable with however, I feel that the intimacy you have through sex is something special and an important part of a relationship. I wouldn't want to share ever!

I also think that there are underlying problems in a sexless relationship, sure everybody goes through phases where sex is less important particularly parents but it is a vital part of a relationship.

Tia Melissa - posted on 05/08/2011

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Loureen: "See I disagree, sex is neither a privilege OR a right , it should just be a normal part of a relationship , sex should never be used as a privilege it opens up a whole lot of doors to abuse of power using sex as the tool to give or take away."

I think you may misunderstand me. Sex is a gift, a blessing, a privilege of adulthood/marriage - Sex is not something to be expected or used as a bargaining chip in a power play. It is an act of self giving to your partner. Self-giving doesn't involve abusing the other person. Nobody gets to go around in life expecting sex in any situation. That entitlement attitude leads to date rape, infidelity and such. The other side of the coin is that both parties should be on equal footing in the self-donation arena. Both equally giving of themselves while thinking first and foremost of the good of the other creates a dynamic where it cannot be given or withheld like some piece of candy used to elicit a behavior.

In real life, stuff happens. Accidents, illnesses, separations, etc. That's just how it goes and if you've promised to love, honor & cherish someone through better or worse, that means better or *worse*. Whatever that worse may be. (obviously we're not talking abuse situations here just normal life circumstances) Sex is NOT a need like air, food, water, shelter, medical treatment. Nobody has spontaneously combusted from lack of sex. Many, many people have lived without sex in their lives for whatever reasons - lack of partner, physical infirmity, distance/separation, cultural norms, personal choice, etc. Heck, in the past (up to the 1930's), if a Dr or midwife said "You can't have any more kids or you will die.", then the couple got to suck it up and do without intercourse for the remainder of the wife's fertility. I think that it can hurt a marriage/relationship if it is allowed to take on a disproportionate percentage of the whole meaning of a loving relationship. Just like putting too much emphasis on gifts or appearance or status, or in a relationship does harm.

Clear as mud? :)

Charlie - posted on 05/08/2011

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"Sex is a privilege, not a right."

See I disagree , sex is neither a privilege OR a right , it should just be a normal part of a relationship , sex should never be used as a privilege it opens up a whole lot of doors to abuse of power using sex as the tool to give or take away .

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Michelle - posted on 12/25/2011

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Sex.. what is that?? LOL! Ok here is my story. I had my first child at 15.. sex wasn't that great.. always seemed uncomfortable, but out of obligation to my boyfriend at the time, we stayed together 8 years... sex was undesirable for me. I left that relationship... I met my husband when my daughter was 7.. since I was a little older, sex seemed better and after a year of dating, we got married. My husband developed Type II diabetes. Not a big issue. 4 years later, we had our 1st child together... decline in sex due to 2 kids, but it did pick up a little... after 2 years, we were talking about another child. He was having some issues with his diabetes and performance. We struggled to get pregnant just because of those issues. Finally got pregnant with his #2 (3 for me) but sex was very sparse after that. After I had #3, It was nearly impossible to have sex.. not because of lack of desire... I mean yeah we had a hard time getting alone time, but even when we did.. performace issues left me feeling unsatisfied and being unable to finish him up as well... it just got to where it was too frustrating on both our ends so we just kind of avoided it all together. We still are together and are getting ready to celebrate 19 years of marriage. Our youngest is 11 now so I can safely say it's been nearly 10 years since we have had sex. It really bothers him and I understand that... we've tried numerous 'helps' without success, so we've just not tried it anymore.

Tara - posted on 12/25/2011

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..."if a woman has decided that she is not at all interested in sex with her husband/SO...or just in sex at all, should that woman's partner be expected to be faithful? Can you blame a man ( or woman for our lesbian friends),"

What about women who have been essentially cut off by their husbands???
if two people who love each other can come to an agreement regarding extramarital sex and that works for them, great, if the frigid partner doesn't like the idea, he/she better figure out why they no loner what sex or they risk ending their marriage or having their partner step out eventually. A sexless marriage between two people who don't care about sex is fine, a sexless marriage when one partner is still very much interested in sex and the other is not, has not been for a long time will eventually have problems often leading to infidelity or the dissolution of their union.

Me - posted on 12/24/2011

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I think one can get "turned off" from sex by their spouse, but still enjoy or want sex, but just not be willing to "put out" for various reasons.
for me.....I have always enjoyed making love with my partner, but with my husband...things he's said over the years have just basically removed the "desire" to do it with him. We're on the verge of divorce anyway, so it just sends him the wrong message to have sex with him then to not.
For years I had been accused of screwing someone else (even though i was always home or always had our kids & NONE of them ever talked about a new "uncle"), or he'd get mad when I wasn't in the mood (either cause i was very preg & no matter the position it was uncomfortable (painful) for me, or recovering from c-sections or with 2 of our kids who had jaundice, was in depserate need of sleep because they had to eat frequently. Or if by slim chance he didn't come home pissy & yelling when he walked through the door, he'd want to fondle me while i was trying to work on dinner & with the kids in plain view able to see what he wanted to do. Or if by slim chance that we were having a argue/tension free afternoon & we did it, we'd end up getting into an argument as we were getting dressed. Or one of the things that cut me to the core, was that it was my JOB to put out for him. It was the wife's "DUTY" to have sex with her husband & that's what marriage ABOUT. and more.........it just made me feel like i was nothing more then a live-in prostitute for him. We had been growing farther apart for the last 13 yrs for a seperate issue...but the last couple years it seemed like there was a grand canyon between us, even the distance when in bed, so i tried to initiate sex several times..got turned down every time. After finding pictures of other women on his phone (his "friends" whom i've never met or never heard of until that point) & one was "suggestive" I figured well....2 could play at that game...and wanted to try to show/prove to him that i wanted him. So i sent breast shots of me in new bra's i had bought or thought of buying.....I got 1 wow & a "who is this & where is my wife" via text. when he got home...nothing at any point of the evening. So I stopped.
sex was always enjoyable & I would actually dream of us doing it when he worked nights, just to feel close to him. It was far more enjoyable in the dreams because there was never any arguing afterwards.
I feel like he strayed even if it may have been through text over the last few years based on his behavior & the only reason we ever did it was to act out what he talked or dreamed about doing with the other women.
I don't know if he cheated emotionally/verbally, but based on his actions & behavior its hard to believe he didn't.
So at this point i don't care to have sex (we did it twice a couple months ago), but maybe if the time comes where i meet someone new (sometime after i am divorced) then i hope the desire to be with them is there...otherwise, its best to stay single :)

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@Jen, Yeah he is a jerk. I wonder what i was thinking being with him if this is what he can do now. Part that sucks arse is with 3 kids together he will always be a part of my life whether i like it or not.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/11/2011

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Actually I dont think that was part of this thread, anyway. Was it? I dont know too hard to keep track. But thanks for asking. LOL {:+)

Shannintipton - posted on 05/11/2011

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Its hard to find someone that we all would like and the girl friend would of needed to be ok with the fact the he wasnt going to leave me or the kids. (in theory). If they were going to go out to eat, they would need to bring me back something to eat. LOL Again true story.LOL {:+)



**edit to post: She would also have to love kids. Most important.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/11/2011

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Hi Namasiku,

I dont know. part of me at THAT time says yes. But since we both didnt do that and the way things turned out now. I am glad we couldnt find anybody that we both liked. And in hind sight, it probably would have turned out ugly. So I dont know. But we did come very close to doing the girl friend idea for him. True story. LOL {:+)

Namasiku S. - posted on 05/11/2011

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Shannin Tipton, would you really have gone through with your idea to find him a girlfriend "you both liked"?

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Shannen, he's a jerk. Pure and simple. I say not not necessarily because your relationship ended but because he is publically saying nasty things about your sex life now. That's a CLEAR sign of a man with ZERO character.

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And BTW Teresa and cannot believe yr ex said that in open court! What an ass! How people can say such humiliating things about others in such a public way I'll never know. I hope the karma train gets him girl! ;)

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I agree completely with Loureen. I do know a woman who had some horrendous tearing in childbirth that left her in a hell of a state 'dwonstairs'; and despite alot of trying she just could NO have sex without extreme pain. She gave her hubby permission to seek sex elsewhere in the end with the proviso that it not be a 'girlfriend' type of situation. I think that's extremely unselfish of her and obviously dont blame her at all for a situation she had no control over whatsoever- BUT I dont know if I could do it. I would have to try physio, corrective surgery etc ANYTHING and everything- i love my husand and I love sex with him and would be devastated if we couldnt have sex.

[deleted account]

I can't believe i just found this thread :s

Anyway, I agree with Loureen.
My story though, I have either been pregnant or breastfeeding since i was 19. I was so tired with the kids being so close together i never felt like it all that much. It caused some major issues. About 6 months ago we had a huge argument about it and how he felt like i never showed him affection. He was right so i started working on fixing those issues. I felt like we were getting back on track and connecting again. 3 Months after that argument he walked out on me. He swears it had nothing to do with me or anything he even told me i was a good wife but apparently marriage didn't mean much to him. 5 weeks after leaving me he has jumped into bed with another woman/girl and right into a serious relationship. He has said some aweful things about our sex life since then. I feel like the issues i had, after him talking to me and me realising what was going on, were never sorted out for him. I feel that he resented me for what was happening on our relationship even though at the end i had overcome what was going on and it seemed healthy again. I guess i'll never know.

Veronica - posted on 05/10/2011

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just a quick note - i DO understand that some medical issues cannot be helped - and may need to find other measures of getting around it -- but that is another subject entirely because medically not being able to have sex is a different ball game.

Veronica - posted on 05/10/2011

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Love is not selfish. With that being said - I think it would be quite selfish for the person with no sex drive to just expect the other partner to just live without it because you've chosen to. I think you should seek help for yourself to get your sex drive back. I also think that the person not receiving sex would be selfish to seek elsewhere for sex, they should be intuned enough to their SO and care enough to help them find out why their sex drive is low. If its medical - there HAS to be something that can be changed or worked out one way or another.
I suffered from no interest in sex either - more of it was mental and how my husband was treating me - and it was a circle of me being mad at him and holding back, and him being mad that i was holding out and tinkering with the idea of seeking elsewhere. My sex drive was also affected by depression because of him and because of other issues in my life. So, after lots of fighting and difficult times - we finally sought help together. Even though the thought to find someone else was on his mind, he still loved and wanted me. And even though i was upset with him, and had depression issues - I still loved him and I did want to be with him - sexually as well.
What really broke the ice was communication period -- and setting our own selfishness aside for each other.

SO with that being said - i dont think there is ever an excuse to cheat - if months and years have gone by without sex - and nothing is being done about it - then the relationship itself needs to be questioned as far as if its worth even continuing on together - before finding other sex partners is even considered. I am a one man woman - and would never allow for an agreement for my man to be with another woman. I wouldnt be able to stand it - im selfish like that ;) lol But some people are ok with 'swinging' - so that part just depends on the couple and what they believe/want/expect, etc.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/10/2011

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I expect to get some tonight, as long as everyone else stays asleep. Does this count?

Mechelle - posted on 05/10/2011

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Hm..tricky subject. Well, ask yourself this...if your spouse rejected you for so long, would you stay faithful? If it were a medical issue, I would expect my partner to be faithful, but if it was just because I wasn't interested, I wouldn't expect him to stay faithful. My parents have not had sex in over 10 years because one of them decided they didn't want to. However, they have both remained faithful to each other, because they strongly believe in marriage and what it stands for.

If it were me in this situation, cutting my man off, I don't think I would even have the right to be mad if he decided to seek company elsewhere.

As far as an open marriage, if it works for the couple, congratulations. I, however, would not be able to look and my fiance the same ever again. I feel that we are getting married for a reason, because we love each other and do not want anyone else. He is mine, as I am his, and to allow other people into our lives in that way would destroy what we have.

Christina - posted on 05/10/2011

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I think that if one person feels neglected and is tempted to stray, they need to bring it up to their spouse. It is NOT okay to have an affair while married, regardless of the situation. If the couple splits up and are separated pending a divorce, that is a different situation IMO.
If I felt my husband was neglecting me sexually (or visa versa) then I would be expected to go to him and bring it up. If it can't be worked out, then I either need to leave him or suck it up and deal with it.

Tah - posted on 05/09/2011

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Some men, IMO, don't even know where to start to help the women if all she ever says is, I'm tired or I don't feel like it.it's up to her to be honest about it, I'm sure he would be willing to give her a piggyback ride to the drs if he knew that's what she needed. Some of the women just seem content to make him suffer, she's not interested so o well attitude so to speak.

Cyndel - posted on 05/09/2011

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rather then cheating get help. Women who were interested in sex before a child, then struggle for years after birth probably have some hormone imbalance and are probably embarrassed about how their body looks post baby. It is time for professional help, find out if she needs meds to get her hormones back on track, or if she is suffering from PPD, or if she just needs time and encouragement to exercise so she can feel better about herself so she can again become more interested in sex with her SO.
If you truly love your SO then you will figure out how to help her and not just run to the closest woman for a little release.

Sal - posted on 05/09/2011

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i think if it something on going (not the little a dry spells we all go thrugh, tired, hormonal, too much work, stress) but like a year, i think you should see someone about it, (dr nurse womens health) because it is a very important part of a marriage (long term relationship) and if you don;t want it EVER then there might be a medical issue, if you just don;t want it with your partner, grow up and either get some help or move out.....i know people who have medical reasons quiet often have counciling to make their their marriage work, as jane said their are other things that a married couple can do to forfill each other, or i have known couple in the situation where the able partner is allowed a lover,
i went through a scare last year where i thought that i might lose some pretty important lady parts (it was all ok in the end) and the thought that my husband wouldn't be able to have sex with me was a terrifying option, he was only 40, i wouldn't of wanted to lose him but i was so unsure of what i would do, and like emma said sex is not something i GIVE to him, it is for me too, i love him and love having sex with him, and if that ever changed (not medically just stopped wanting it) i doubt our marriage would survive...

Jane - posted on 05/08/2011

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My husband was disabled and no longer able to have sex. Did I leave him? Or cheat on him? No! I took a vow, "for better or worse, in sickness and health..." and so on, and I kept it.

There is always masturbation is you need it, and there are many other ways to keep that intimate feeling without sex. However, none of it works without communication.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 05/08/2011

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If that's what works for them, being married and happy to find sex elsewhere.......... it works! So besides it being a religious debate from there about how 'marriage is sacred'..... there's not much else to it lol

Otherwise.... no, I would absolutely not expect anyone going without sex for a prolongued period of time (you know, women need to heal after delivery) to be faithful..... it's just not in our nature, come on. Our bodies are full of hormones for a reason, to reproduce and whether we're seeking to have a bunch of kids and populate the planet, or just have fun..... our bodies are saying Fun fun find fun as part of our genetic make up to populate this planet..... you cannot change that, suppress it, or deny it. You have to deal with it one way or another. And I wouldn't knock anyone who decided to cheat if their partner wasn't sleeping with them.

Tah - posted on 05/08/2011

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Health issues are one thing. The baby makes me tired or I just don't feel like it are different, you have to make time for him, and you can't let it get to a point where it's been a year without a huge doctors note IMO. I don't think it's okay to cheat but I can get where he may feel neglected and go elsewhere wrong as it may be.

JuLeah - posted on 05/08/2011

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I think it is a part of a healthy partnership and if it is missing, something is wrong ... fix it. An open relationship does work for some, but if I had a partner who was no longer interested, I'd wanna know why, I'd care enough to want to fix what ever was broken ....

Mrs. - posted on 05/08/2011

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Emma, I think that is reasonable and also good to know about yourself. My ex was very similar, sexual intercourse (I say that because we did other things) was a non-negotiable on a life long basis.

That's the thing, if you have health issues that make it near impossible to have intercourse, you gotta be up front about it and speak to your partner and find out what type of person they are too.

When I broke it off with my ex and moved on to my current, I was open from the beginning about my history of health issues, which might during our time together, make it impossible to have intercourse. I told him to seriously think about it, if it is a deal breaker and I wouldn't think less of him if it was. He took a while and decided it was worth it. That's his deal...it isn't everyone's.

Mel - posted on 05/08/2011

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Id rather give my husband sex when Im not into it then have him go with someone else, not that he would even do that, but yeah even if I dont wnat to, Ill do it when its been long enough to keep him semi satisfied. Anyone who doesnt give their hubby sex for extended periods of time like 6 months or 12 months I guess you cant really blame them

Stifler's - posted on 05/08/2011

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I need sex, the end. We'd be divorced if he decided we were never doing it again. That is NOT okay with me. Sex is part of the relationship I want, and I wouldn't expect him to stay if I didn't want to have a sex life either.

Constance - posted on 05/08/2011

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I think it would have to depend on the couple whether or not to allow the other to stray.
On the other hand yes sex is a part of a marriage but I would hope it is not the only part. I know that I didn't just marry my husband to have sex and the same with him. We married because we loved each other and were friends. I know(dispite the problems we have been working on) that even if I was not interested in sex any longer it wouldn't matter to him as long as he is with me his love is unconditional as is mine.
As I said before this is the decision we would make but others can be different.

Tia Melissa - posted on 05/08/2011

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Loureen: Sorry for the confusion. I knew what I was thinking but didn't articulate it well enough.

Charlie - posted on 05/08/2011

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I totally agree with this and your last post .

It was unclear that you were meaning a privilege in adulthood and in that case I do agree , absolutely !

Tia Melissa - posted on 05/08/2011

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I have to vote on the "no, it's not ok" side of the coin. Sex is a privilege, not a right. What if the situation were reversed? Husband has ED or prostate surgery and is unable to have sex? Should the wife then stray to get her needs met? No, she shouldn't. Complete bed rest and sex off limits for a part of a pregnancy? No straying there either. Cancer treatments? Nope. There are other ways to love your spouse than having sex and honestly, it's only a part of love. There are other ways to fulfill temporary physical needs than to betray the trust and intimacy of your marriage/relationship. IMO, men actually form an emotional attachment to affair partners and never really get over them. To divide their emotions between their spouse & another is just plain wrong. I can't speak for people who consciously make that arrangement but it sure wouldn't work for me & my marriage. I'd eventually end up going ballistic. And there's no way my husband would be able to keep from gravitating towards TheOtherWoman - as sex is an intimacy that gives of self to the other - & start treating her as a wife. I'd be concerned if he was so compartmentalized that he'd be able to separate the two.

[deleted account]

I think fidelity should still be expected unless *BOTH* parties agree to it freely. By freely, I mean without fear of one leaving if they don't agree. Ex. "If you don't let me sleep around, I'll just leave you." However broaching that subject will be tricky. I think we should also consider women whose male partner is disinterested. I do NOT think anyone should be sleeping around on the sly. That's cruel, especially if the reason for no sex is illness. I do blame a person who strays without permission. I think very very strongly that if you are that unhappy, you should not be with that person.

Again, if all parties (including the new partner) are aware and ok with the arrangement, then it's ok.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/08/2011

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OOOH yea. Tah we didnt start out as a no sex couple. This took many years of hard work to come this far. LOL But seriously, we have been there, done that. We use to fight about it. He looked into filing for divorce, did not like the out come I guess because I never got the papers. We tried porn movies another shhhhhhhhhh. And dont get me wrong we have had some really rough times in the past. I dont know why he hasnt dumped my a** a long time ago. I would have. But after many years, we all of a sudden started to click. More like friends and we have more fun together (most of the time) We like to poke fun at each most of the time. He really likes to get my goat as they say. I think that started to happen after the kids. We had them when we got older. I am 45 with an 8 and 4 year old. Not to mention (again) I am not in the best of health. So with kids, it became us against them. Awful I know but they are scary. LOL So we have never been happier. Or a least not this happy in a long time. Also I offered to divorce him if that would make him feel less guilty about leaving a disabled mother with two kids. But he has said no many times. I dont ask any more. I am afraid it might hurt his feelings. So sorry to ramble. Thats my story and I am sticking to it.LOL {:+)

Tah - posted on 05/08/2011

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Psssst...Shannon...pssst...hey, quick question(waves you over to whisper)....so if you guys decided to get a girlfriend..then at some point he needed to be unhappy about the no sex thing to agree to that, right?...maybe not now, but at some point he was maybe missing the intimacy???

Sneaky - posted on 05/08/2011

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I can tell you right now why I don't have a sex drive - stress and post natal depression. But because I love my husband and I want to be with him (and hell I still enjoy sex even when I am not interested in it) we still have sex regularly. I don't think it would be fair to expect him to be celibate just because I could not care less at the moment BUT I also agree with what Heather said about it being a partnership and working with your partner to solve your problems instead of going off and having your needs met outside of the marriage. But that applies to my marriage.

If someone has a marriage and they are comfortable without having sex in the marriage (whether or not they get those needs met outside of the marriage) then who am I to judge - if it works for them, no one gets hurt and every one gets what they need, go for it!

The 'straying' or cheating because you are not intimate with your spouse and you can't be bothered taking about it with your spouse, well I am happy to judge that pretty easily as 'scummy'.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/07/2011

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Can I tell you a secret? shhhhh We even talked about finding him a girl friend but it would have to be someone we both liked. NO not like that. Just for him. But we both agreed she would have to love kids. I had one picked out, and she went off and got married. But since then we HAVE worked things out just fine for BOTH of us and no infidelity or sex involved. True story. LOL {:+)

Shannintipton - posted on 05/07/2011

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If that is the case, I totally agree with divorce. If she isnt willing then there are plenty of others who are. But I was hoping I was the one inspired this post, thats all. {:+)

Mrs. - posted on 05/07/2011

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Well, I was thinking of the situation being a woman refusing to work on it or put out.

Mrs. - posted on 05/07/2011

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Yours and a couple others on the Welcome Page as of late. I just notice a startling trend of people who are not getting any and either fine with it or wondering if others are in the same boat.

Lady Heather - posted on 05/07/2011

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Honestly, if there was a problem like that with the husband and he utterly refused to even try and do anything about it, we probably wouldn't stay married. I guess if you came to some mutual agreement that extramarital affairs for that purpose are okay, that's fine. But I don't believe in cheating. I also don't believe that at this point in my life I could be celibate for a person who doesn't give a shit enough about our relationship to seek help. Fortunately this seems unlikely to come up any time soon.

Shannintipton - posted on 05/07/2011

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Hi Rebecca - In some way I feel flattered by your post. I hope I was the one who inspired it. LOL. I will be lurking around. I hope you dont mind. I am very interested to see where this goes. {:+)

Mrs. - posted on 05/07/2011

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I have to admit, I have sometimes found it very hard to hear about people not wanting to have sex for lack of interest when for so long, for most of my twenties, I had health problems that made actual intercourse painful.

My issues have gotten a lot better and I have a more sensitive partner who loves whatever I can offer at whatever time I like. Still, it is a bit difficult sometimes to see it from the other side of being able to physically, but just not being into it.

I ask the question because at the end of my last relationship, I was seriously considering letting my ex have intercourse outside our relationship because I didn't think it was fair to force him into a life of no sexual intercourse if I was physically unable to provide it. Yes, we could do other things, but it was something he really wanted and needed. Of course, now he can get it anytime he likes with whoever he likes and it seems he's still unhappy...but that is another story.

In my opinion, if your partner has come to you for years begging for sex or requesting you to get help with them to achieve closeness/a sexual relationship and you have said you are not interested in either, what can you expect? I would not expect fidelity in that situation. Doesn't matter how seriously I took those vows.

Lady Heather - posted on 05/07/2011

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I would hope that if my husband was having an issue like this (hey, it could happen) we would work together to figure out if the problem was physical or mental and if it could actually be solved. So I would do the same for him. My husband is more than a friend to me and the physical part of the relationship is a big one. No, I don't think it gives someone free license to cheat. But I also don't think the person lacking interest should just give up and force their spouse into celibacy without at least trying to solve the problem.

[deleted account]

Sex destroyed my marriage, so I don't really know what I can say about it.

Sex is definitely a reasonable expectation in a healthy marriage where both partners are willing to meet the needs of the other.

What do I know though? We were having sex 3-4 times/week and 'lack of sex' was one of the reasons he gave in court for leaving me......

Ashley - posted on 05/07/2011

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Good idea ;] I believe that disinterest in sex should never happen in a marriage there is a difference of being completely busy and tired and not getting around to it for a few months but years no. I believe there are resones why women will become disinterested mainly because there partners are not helping them enough making them unwilling to put out. If there men put more effort into there relation ship and possibly into good sex for not only themselves maybe they would get more. I think taking out sex makes relationships fail u need that connection to forget about all the bad and bring in good. But for argument sake if a spouse did refuse to have sex with there partner then i beleive they are in there full right to look else were if they have explained the situation to there partner told them if things dont change that they will cheat and listened to there spouse about there needs and made every possible effort to make there spouse happy. Happy life happy wife lol. But in cheating isint the relationship done anyway should you just walk, without your partner wanting you you start loosing self esteem you start feeling like your not important its so unhealthy anyway i think all should be done to make sure your having great sex not just get it done you all no what im talking about but that becomes crappy quick.

Tah - posted on 05/07/2011

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I know what your talking bout rebecca..lmbo. Ok. I don't think there is an excuse for cheating...but I do think someone can be pushed away and towards someone else. As I said on that thread, men express themselves and connect physically with their women, so if you aren't allowing him that there will be a disconnect. How many relationships start by the intimacy and sex waning and next thing you know he can't stand her voice and she hates how he pours his cheerios so they argue or just drift apart until someone strays or they separate.

I think if you have a physical or some kind of condition then okay, that's a reason, and he should be understanding, but there are other things that can be done..hint, hint. I know kids keep you busy, but you cant forget to make that time, if he's been understanding for some months or goodness me a year, please throw the man a bone....

I wouldn't be able to see a relationship where he is sharing intimacy with someone else and I'm okay with that, if you like being married, then work on the marriage as a whole..I wouldn't break off pieces of the marriage I wasn't interested in and allow someone else to fill my role for him in them...

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