Should I consider it cheating?

[deleted account] ( 12 moms have responded )

My husband and I recently got married. And by recently, I mean two weeks ago. Before we were married I had questions about a woman with whom my husband had a friendly relationship with that works out at the same gym as he does.



He says that she is just a woman he developed a friendship with in his Zumba class and it's just that, but I have my doubts.



He talks in his sleep and a few times he's said this woman's name only to later grope me while in the kitchen or where ever after waking. At first, I brushed it off but now am beginning to suspect that he isn't telling me everything.



I've also had the opportunity to read some of their FB messages, seeing as my husband has left up the site in plain sight. I'm not sure if he's done this on purpose, or is just clueless. My guess knowing him is mostly the latter. Their messages state that both parties have had dreams about the other -- however, they do not elaborate on what the content is. Now they are attempting to set up a time/date when they can meet up. Since my husband works nights, they have agreed that is should be in the morning so that he can tell me that he simply was late because of a meeting.



So ... with this, is it cheating? Or am I being over-reactive?

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Krista - posted on 01/30/2012

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I don't think you're overreacting. It's normal for married people to sometimes have crushes, but it should not go farther than that (not unless the couple has a previous agreement to be in a more open-style relationship).



Basically, my rule of thumb when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex is this: if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, then you shouldn't be doing it.



The sex dreams? Well, those he might not be able to help. Sometimes we can't help our fantasies. (Although it's alarming that he's fantasizing about another woman this early into your marriage!) But the FB messages? That's crossed the line. And the fact that they're planning to meet? And that he's already figuring out how to lie to you about it? That is absolutely beyond the pale.



The ball is now in your court. Were I in your shoes, however, I would confront him and say that you know perfectly well what he is up to with this woman, and that unless he wants you to file for an annulment that next day, that he needs to respect you enough to tell you the truth about what's going on, and to come to marriage counseling with you.



I'm afraid for you, though...a man who would do this while still a veritable newlywed? That's just not a good sign, hon...

Johnny - posted on 01/30/2012

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If he is open, honest, and respects your wishes, then I would say you are fine. But it sounds like he is trying to deceive you, and to me, that is cheating.



I have a crush on one of my co-workers. I've had a couple of dreams about him and rather like working with him. Although more than anyone else at work, I keep it strictly business with him. My husband knows, I told him. He also will know every detail of my day if I ever have to travel with this man on business.



I love my husband. I am very attracted to him. I respect and honor him. I would never cheat on him. That doesn't stop me from being attracted to someone else too. But it doesn't cause problems in our relationship because we are both open and honest. My husband knows he can trust me, he wouldn't even have an issue if I went to the pub with this guy.



To me, the intent to deceive is where cheating starts. The feelings of attraction are just normal and natural.

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Mrs. - posted on 01/30/2012

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Yeah, that's what I think....but hey, maybe there is some explanation...

Mrs. - posted on 01/30/2012

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Yes, Rebecca...it is not just the husband thing. She claims in her last post:





"This particular behavior is new to me -- as far as him actually attempting to meet up with someone who is very vindictive about my own character even though she doesn't know me at all."



If the behaviour is new to her, why does it look like this has happened a lot before...to the point of breaking them up. That some woman, according to her wall, has attempted to make contact with her and that there was a confirmed affair in 2011.



Shaaadyy!

[deleted account]

But her relationship status is listed as "permanently engaged?" Maybe the other moms helping where referring to her fiance as her husband?

Mrs. - posted on 01/30/2012

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Melissa,



Not to question your honesty, but you might want to disable your comment box on your profile. There like 6 posts from women trying to help you from April/March 2011 when your "husband's" affair tried to contact you and break up your family or something.



Like this one from a lady named Inez on April/2011:



"This is something that your husband should not even be contemplating. This woman is a homewrecker an unfortunately your husband is blind to that fact. She doesn't respect Marriage. Can two people remain 'friends' after they have had a sexual relationship? Why would he risk destroying his family by requesting you and her be friends. Perhaps he wants a relationship with her an hopes that the two of you will become friends so that you will hopefully put the thought of an 'affair' out of your mind. Men are sometimes naive to these things and if he beleives that the three of you can have a comfortable friendship he is delusional. Girlfriend you need to put your foot down and tell him that this is where you draw the line. If she dares try to breakup your family then you need to step to her and let her know that she is to stay away from your husband....having said that it already sounds to me like she is feeling things out to see if it is possible for them to continue where they left off....women like this really PISS ME OFF because they don't really give a rat's behind about who they hurt. Talk to your husband and overall carry yourself like a lady but most of all remember that you are a strong woman and with or without him you will live a wonderful life."



If you've been engaged for eight years and he's never cheated before and you got married two weeks ago...what's with that?



It is totally cool if you are asking for a friend or just want to start a debate about an old relationship....or maybe you were doing that before? I'm not exactly a detective, I just checked to see how old your kids/kid was and saw it.



So, what's the deal, is this just a random question to start a debate? Are you really in this situation or what?



You totally don't have to answer...I doubt anyone cares if it was real or not. I just found it really odd and would love to hear the story on this one....it might be more interesting than the one you wrote here.

[deleted account]

We had been engaged for almost eight years, and I've known him for ten. This particular behavior is new to me -- as far as him actually attempting to meet up with someone who is very vindictive about my own character even though she doesn't know me at all.



Yes, he does do Zumba. I have tried it, but it's just too fast paced for me.



I snooped, and I'm very well willing to admit that. I just can't fathom him being the type to do this -- even if nothing physical has happened, the emotional part of this is crazy.



It's almost worst --that he'll talk to her about our life together, but he never opens up like that to me. She's obviously successful, has a full time job doing saintly social work whereas I am a stay at home mommy. She works out four or more times a week and I can barely crawl down into the basement to do our recumbent bike.



I babysit for a number of folks throughout the week off and on, and I just don't have time for that sort of schedule especially when our son is only two and I can't bear to part with him to send him to daycare as she does her children.



I feel like I'm being petty mostly -- but then she's also hiding something from her husband and I cannot fathom a person being okay with that.

Mrs. - posted on 01/30/2012

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It totally depends on what kind of boundaries you have set up in your relationship. If you have made it clear that you don't want him to write anything to another woman that he would be ashamed to show you...then I guess that would be a problem.



I think it is ridiculous to say you can't dream about someone other than your wife..I mean, how could you police that? However, if he is actively living out any of those fantasies with this woman and hiding it from you, I could see how that would be deceptive.



The best thing to do is to be open with your husband about you "accidentally" looking at his facebook. I say "accidentally" because it is likely he might have left it open on his feed or profile...but chances of him leaving it open right on the message from the woman you had a inkling about. I'm guessing you opened his messages and checked...and that is deceptive on your part. It is deceptive, but totally understandable.



Hey, I look at my husband's facebook from time to time, but he would not be surprised about that..nor would I have a hard time telling him. We understand that about each other. We try to be transparent, that's how we arranged things in our relationship.



I would think if you could admit to your husband that you were snooping around his facebook...which you did even if it was just left open (you could have just trusted him and closed the window)...then that might be a good lead up to asking him about this flirtation he's been having. You could play the whole, "Is there anything going on with this woman that I should know about?" game and then reveal what you snooped out, you could. My guess is, he might be more open if you are open about it though.



It could just be a flirtation between them that is only about having a smoothie before Zumba (guys do Zumba? Are you sure this is a girl he's flirting with?...totally a joke, BTW) or something. Who knows, could be. Could be he's attracted to her and dreaming about her...or he could be killing her in his dreams. Who knows? You won't until you ask.



No one can define what you consider cheating except you and your husband. People can tell you what they consider cheating, but that's them. If it gives you perspective, I totally get it. I still wouldn't base my opinions about my private personal relationship solely on it though.

[deleted account]

Depends. Is he open with you about going to meet this woman? Has he invited you along as well? If not, and he's keeping it a secret from you, then yes I'd be worried. He may not have actually done anything with this woman, but if he is dreaming about her and going to meet her without you, then there is the chance that he'll get caught in the "moment" and may do something he shouldn't. I wish I had some advice for you regarding what you should do but I have never had to deal with this myself. Hopefully some of the lovely ladies here can help you out.

Kaitlin - posted on 01/30/2012

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Yes. I would consider this cheating. If it were my husband, I would require him to come to counseling with me, and switch gyms. He may have not actually gotten physical with her yet, but he is cheating on you emotionally and mentally. Did you go to pre marital counseling? How long have you known him, and were engaged?

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