Should I let the bio father be involved?

Cathy - posted on 04/06/2012

*****MOD NOTICE*****



I'm locking this thread. No THUMPS has been violated numerous times.



Payola - If you are seeking validation for YOUR actions, a debating board is not the place to do it.



Cathy S.

Stifler's - posted on 04/06/2012

I agree with karla you really need some family counselling and a visitation order.

Stifler's - posted on 04/06/2012

You know.. I was going to post the same question after watching home and away (not that this situation pertains to my life) about a chick who sleeps with someone else when her and the bf are on a break and then they get married, she finds out she's pregnant, has a scan and realizes she's a lot further along meaning the guy she slept with is the father then she tries to cover it up and not tell anyone. Except her sister knows and tells people. And the dad wants to be involved.

Jaime - posted on 04/06/2012

Regardless of what history you have with your current husband, it's still fraudulent to put his name on your daughter's birth certificate if he is NOT the biological father, and it's still wrong that you wouldn't let the biological father be involved.



As for not using birth control, that is bull. There are all different kinds and many don't have hormones or are such low doses that they don't affect most women. YOU knew the risks of not using contraceptives, YOU should have at least made your ex wear a condom, or you could have put in a diaphragm or used spermicide or something, instead of trying to blame it all on him. Consensual sex is not a one-way thing, and it takes two to make a baby! So unless you want to claim he raped you or God made you pregnant, don't blame your ex for your daughter, and certainly don't punish him because you decided he wasn't good enough and you went back to someone else.



Sorry for being blunt, but I have plenty of reason to feel angry about this, and plenty of experience with resenting my mother and maternal grandparents for keeping me from my biological father. I just hope your daughter is luckier than I and that her bio-dad doesn't die before she gets a chance to be with him.

Sapphire - posted on 04/06/2012

Well the problem lies in the immaturity to step up to the plate when EVERYONE is telling you the same thing:



1. Bio dad has a right to see his child-YOU make the proper arrangements to see him.

2. Your husband didn't lend his sperm to making this baby, so you had no right in adding his name to the birth certificate.- That;s fradulent- especially if you are asking the bio dad for custody payments.

3. Husband doesn't NEED to be present during any bonding time with bio dad and his daughter. She's not his daughter!

4. You keep stating how you don't want your daughter's emotional well-being impacted. But you're not doing anything to promote it other than saying, "He has an open invitation." That's not good enough.

5. Your daughter WILL grow up to hate you based on the lies you have made and when she learns her true paternity on her birth certificate. She's smart enough to figure out the gestation time of babies and will learn that she is the result of an affair.

Johnny - posted on 04/06/2012

I hope the biological father gets smart and takes you to court. And fast.

Johnny - posted on 04/06/2012

She could be a troll, with that name and no prior posts. Or she could just be the most self-absorbed person to ever grace the pages of COM (which would really be going some). It's a toss up I think.

Karla - posted on 04/06/2012

Payola, “I even told him I would have his baby. I changed my mind. “



If you got pregnant by him, then you don’t change your mind by denying him as a father… HE IS THE FATHER. You cannot change that fact.



He wants to see his daughter without your husband around, he painted a room for her, etc. You were obviously having sex with him to get pregnant – “I told him I would have his baby.” – and then you decided to go back to your husband and thought you could just ignore what happened, “I changed my mind.”



That is not how it works, you can’t just change the father by thinking it and putting it on the birth certificate.



”I simply wanted to know how other mothers would feel about letting a man be involved when he is not being involved frequently enough to make a positive influence on a young child's life. I do not want to prevent him from seeing her. I understand most of you think I should give him a chance. I'm just concerned he will F it up royally.”



Yeah, That has been answered. He’s the father, and he’s obviously a father who wants to see his daughter, and be a part of her life. That is his right that’s all there is to it. You are just taking steps to get in the way of that, so just let him see her.



Please, really, get some counseling. You’ve already proven that you aren’t stable by leaving your husband for another man (where was your son during all of this?), deciding to have a baby with the other man, after getting pregnant leaving the other man for your husband, and pretending your husband is the father. Your children suffer from your decisions. This is all too twisted and you really need help from someone who is a professional.



This is a heartfelt plea, please stop posting here and go to a counselor.



”And for whoever said I'm not supposed to include my husband in on any visits from the bio father. Seriously? Like it's not bad enough he has to deal with him being around after me leaving him and sleeping with the bio father AND not getting the abortion and giving birth to his child? Now I'm supposed to tell him to not be around when the bio father is around? I am not only committed to my daughter, I am committed to my husband. It's about him too. “



The problems you out-line here are between you and your husband. Your daughter has a bio-father (your ex-lover) who wants to be a part of her life. These are two different things.



You need to allow your daughter to have a relationship with her bio father that does not include you or your husband. You don’t need to be involved with the bio dad except to arrange visitation, and you husband doesn’t need to be involved either.



Again, please go to a counselor, you are in need of some personal and/or family therapy.

Isobel - posted on 04/06/2012

yeah, it's kinda a ridiculous subject to post in DEBATING moms...I keep adding my two cents cause...well...I don't care if it's real, it's a topic that's worth debating

Sally - posted on 04/06/2012

@Rebecca. I with you on this. She must be a troll as any sane person would have locked the thread by now realising they were asking the wrong people for support. She just keeps coming out with more rubbish

Janice - posted on 04/06/2012

I must add after reading your most recent post that it is pretty horrendous that you are putting your husbands feelings above your daughter's well being. I know you must feel terribly guilty about having a baby with another man. However, if your husband is not willing to forgive this mistake and do what is right than maybe you should not have gotten back with him.

Janice - posted on 04/06/2012

In an effort to help your daughter I want to come at you from a different direction.



You have stated your concern is with her self esteem and that her father may not be a positive influence.

If you do stay with your husband and he gives your daughter the "stability" you "require,"

then how is her bio dad only visiting once a month going to hurt her? In someways its like having a grandparent who lives far away. The child knows they are loved and can enjoy the time they DO have with this person. Having the bio dad involved may complicate YOUR life but it will not complicate your daughters. Having an extra person that loves them could never hurt a child's self esteem. If this man was concerned with ultra-sound pictures then he seems like he is very ready to be a major part of her life. And if he is in the military then he most likely will be a positive influence when he is around. It seems that he is willing to come to where you are, just not your home. I think that it is perfectly reasonable.



Please do not continue on this selfish path. You may believe you are helping your daughter by keeping her Dad away but you are wrong. Doing so will hurt everyone involved. Your daughter deserves to know her real father and you owe it to her to not push him away.

Rebecca - posted on 04/06/2012

Why haven't you addressed those people who are suggesting this is all made up?



I'm sorry I'm not buying it...troll.

Dove - posted on 04/06/2012

Maybe that should tell you something.....



No you should not include your husband on visits w/ bio dad and your daughter. That you would even think to suggest it shows just how much you are NOT thinking clearly about this situation. If you were really thinking about your husband... your daughter wouldn't even exist right now. I understand that you don't want to screw up your marriage, but really? It's a little late to be concerned about that now. If your marriage is going to work.... your husband and you have to accept that you have a child w/ another man and you have to support HIS right to a role in his child's life...w/out you or your husband present. If that can't happen.... you're all going to screw this up even more.



I can imagine how you feel about your child being w/ a man she doesn't know. It is scary, for sure, but that's the price YOU pay in a situation like this to try and minimize the price your child has to pay for your choices.



That's just life.

Sally - posted on 04/06/2012

Tell you what ,hun. It will be the courts who will say the little girls real blood father can see him without your husband there. As to the issues your husband has because you couldn't keep your knickers on, well you reap what you sow. Your really are a very unpleasent woman and you leave a very nasty taste in my mouth.

Isobel - posted on 04/06/2012

Forcing him to face your husband every time he wants to see his daughter is absolutely UNFAIR...I hope he goes to court and gets mandated visitation...no court in the world will force him to be in the same room as a man who is impersonating him as that child's father.

Isobel - posted on 04/06/2012

why would you want NOT to be me and my kids...we live with a fantastic loving man who takes care of our every need and they (who have every right to have grown into truly disfunctional people due to a really ugly divorce) are healthy, happy, wonderful children... because I was willing to sacrifice.



Or is that it...you are trying to avoid you sacrificing anything?

Stifler's - posted on 04/06/2012

So you wanted to get an abortion or your husband wanted you to adn you didn't?

Payola - posted on 04/06/2012

Laura, it's different for you. Your kids already know their father. I'm being careful not to let myself and my daughter become you and your kids. Don't you see that? And no way Jose am I going to pay for him to do didlee squat!



And for whoever said I'm not supposed to include my husband in on any visits from the bio father. Seriously? Like it's not bad enough he has to deal with him being around after me leaving him and sleeping with the bio father AND not getting the abortion and giving birth to his child? Now I'm supposed to tell him to not be around when the bio father is around? I am not only committed to my daughter, I am committed to my husband. It's about him too.



I just didn't have to deal with an extreme part time dad when I was a little girl. I can only imagine what it will be like for my daughter. I'm concerned. That's all. Why I get no credit for even offering a visit I can't figure out. It's not like I said he can't even see a picture. I'm getting very upset about the way this post has gone.

Isobel - posted on 04/06/2012

For the record...I pay my ex to see his kids. $50 for the weekend $20 for the day (and he still has only seen them twice this year). It's not really "paying him to see them", it's taking the "I can't afford it" excuse away. They don't know, and they'll never know, but they believe that he loves them and wants to see them...that's all that matters to me.



I am willing to sacrifice my comfort for my children's long term well-being.

Sally - posted on 04/06/2012

Still the same crap. ME ,MYSELF AND I. Selfish self-centred. Why has it got to be your way or the highway. Would your husband allow another man to take over his role with his son completely. Would you allow a stepmum take over your role. I hope he gets custody and i doubt he will be forced to see his daughter at your house. Im getting convinced your a troll and getting a buzz from winding people up

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 04/06/2012

Payola---



If you are looking for someone to sympathize with you here, it isn't going to happen. As Little Miss stated, many of the Mom's here are dealing with far worse situations but they are dealing. They are letting their inner most feelings fall to the waste side, for their CHILDREN.



If you want someone to agree with you, go talk to a mirror. ;) Not going to happen here.

Jodi - posted on 04/06/2012

"I have said several times now I have offered him to come see his daughter. "



Yes, on YOUR terms in YOUR territory. Sorry, that's not reasonable.



"I simply wanted to know how other mothers would feel about letting a man be involved when he is not being involved frequently enough to make a positive influence on a young child's life."



Who are you to say he won't be a positive influence on her life? Seriously? Have you heard the term quality? That's right, a non custodial parent can have HUGE positive impact on a child's life if they focus on quality rather than quantity.



"I just want him to commit 100% and I'm worried his plan and what he is capable of just isn't going to be good enough."



It sounds to me like nothing will be good enough for you. Just let it go.



"I'm just concerned he will F it up royally."



Maybe he will. But how are you ever going to know if you don't allow him a chance? Besides, what is fucking up to you? Not doing it the way you would? Being a different type of parent? Not doing it the way you want him to? If that's what you see as fucking it up, you are already setting him up for a fall.



"I thought maybe there was someone else who has had to deal with a permanent connection to somebody like this."



Actually, no, I have no permanent connection to someone who is so anxious to be a good father. I am permanently connected to a guy who pretty much has little contact with his son. He has never been to his school. He has rarely been to a sporting match. He has done nothing but put me down to his son. He has never had any respect for me as a mother. He has never asked about his son's performance at school. He never turns up to presentation nights. He hasn't seen him in 7 months, and probably phoned him once a month in that time.



My 14 year old has a positive self-esteem. He is a happy boy. He does well at school (not an A student, but still doing well), and has a lot of friends who are all nice kids. He is respectful and I rarely have to discipline him. Basically, he is a good, sensible kid.



Let's say this person who is her father who sounds like he actually cares turns out like my ex. It has little bearing on how she will turn out. Kids aren't as stupid as people think they are. They figure these things out themselves. You don't have the right to figure it out for them on the off chance it *might* happen.



Stop trying to control the situation (i.e dictating what his involvement can be, where, how, when, what, etc), and just let the relationship develop. Right now, with everything I have read, you are being a total bitch to him and cutting him out, and you don't have that right.

Isobel - posted on 04/06/2012

and many of us have explained that we have to deal with long distance/absent fathers who come in and out...and still allow him to...BECAUSE it is best for the children. You simply refuse to hear the simple truth that this man is attempting to have any kind of relationship with his child that he can.



Take his offer and allow your child the benefit that is denied to so many of our children, a father who loves her regardless of how often he is able to see her.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/06/2012

The husband that has been acting like the father and is on the birth certificate without his permission? Come on Laura....that isn't to weird right?

Isobel - posted on 04/06/2012

You honestly don't see why he wouldn't want to come to your husband's home to see his own child?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/06/2012

He should be skeptical of you and YOUR actions. Not the other way around.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/06/2012

How can you truly expect him to be committed 100% when you won't meet him halfway? The women on this board that have been talking about how horrible your actions were....you know what? So many of them are in a similar situation..divorced...but to dead beat assholes. And you know what? I have HUGE respect for them, cause they make sure their kids know the father....no matter what kind of a fuck up he is. The man you are trying to keep away from your daughter sounds like a good man, and you should be thrilled he wants to be part of your daughters life.



How do you know he will royally fuck it up if he hasn't been given the chance? Let him be a father for crying out loud. You should be responsible for literally meeting him at a halfway distance between the two of you, but you don't sound like you would be willing to do this. In order for him to have success, you need to be a bit lenient. he is in the military. They are not exactly jumping up and down for people to miss work, or drill weekends etc.

Payola - posted on 04/06/2012

My gosh, really. I have said several times now I have offered him to come see his daughter. And I have admitted that I am responsible for getting pregnant. My condom remark is not the focus of this post. Jeez Louise!

I honestly didn't expect to be lambasted like this. I know I'm not perfect. I simply wanted to know how other mothers would feel about letting a man be involved when he is not being involved frequently enough to make a positive influence on a young child's life. I do not want to prevent him from seeing her. I just want him to commit 100% and I'm worried his plan and what he is capable of just isn't going to be good enough.



I thought maybe there was someone else who has had to deal with a permanent connection to somebody like this. Maybe they could give me advice. I understand most of you think I should give him a chance. I'm just concerned he will F it up royally.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/06/2012

Listen, in the off chance that this is a real post, and you are indeed a real mother with this situation, here is the thing. You had sex. With your boyfriend. You had just as much responsibility to have safe sex to avoid pregnancy as he did. You chose to get pregnant, ditch the guy and find another. It is your obligation to the child and father to make sure that they have a relationship. This is NOT about you. Clearly you have already done what you deemed right, which is NOT right. Now, you can do the right thing. Your daughter deserves the truth, and this man deserves to see his daughter. Get over it. Get over yourself. Stop being totally selfish and let this man have time to build a relationship with the child he helped create.

Charlie - posted on 04/06/2012

Here's hoping the real father gets custody because it's blindingly obvious the only person you care about is yourself.

Dove - posted on 04/06/2012

Oh dear... the man wanted a pic of his BABY (and yes, that's exactly what an ultrasound picture is).... sounds like a total loser. What kind of man would want a picture of his own child?!



Yep.... you are totally right to keep this scumbag from his child.



@@ Lady.... keep digging. Everyone on this board just loses more respect for you every time you post. You are WRONG. No matter how much you try and 'explain' away.... it just makes you look worse. Give the man a chance. Talk to him about a parenting plan. What does he think is realistic as far as visitation? Speak to mediation, lawyers, whatever.



How the hell do you expect the man to come into your HOUSE where your stupid husband is still blaming him for screwing w/ his wife and trying to pass himself off as father of a child that's not his (by signing the birth certificate...that's what it seems like)?! Seriously?! The guy sounds smart and caring to me. Can he be the father of MY kids? I'd trade him for my ex any day of the week.

Amie - posted on 04/06/2012

I'm pretty sure this post is insulting to every man or woman who is serving in the armed forces who has to be away from their families, including their children, while they serve. Even farther than that, to any parent who has to be away from their families because of their job.



This entire post screams it's all about me and my husband, not about the kids.



That's about as nice as I can be.



My ex is a real dead beat dad. An honest to goodness one who rarely sees his children because of his choices. He lives 20 minutes from me and hasn't seen them in a year and a half. He's phoned a couple of times in that time frame, he's emailed a few times too. He was supposed to meet us (yes, meet us - In the interest of letting my children know their biological father I take them to where it's convenient for him.) near his place for our sons birthday last fall, he couldn't even be bothered to do that.



My ex chooses to be a dead beat father, your ex is not choosing it - you are making him one.



My husband is also "dad" but he's grown up enough to know that my ex does have a right to the kids. He doesn't like it but he deals with it, just like I do.

Michelle - posted on 04/06/2012

MeMe, you said it perfectly. A guy that doesn't want to be involved in his childs life is always going to want photo's and see how the appointments are going!!!!!



I really do wonder how long your husband is going to stick around. You cheated on him and had a child from that affair. Each time he looks at the child it will remind him of what you have done.



Did you think that you could have a long distance affair and it would be easier not to get caught?

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 04/06/2012

Nah. If he has any sense, he will bite your ass with a great big court case.



He even tried to get ultrasound pics?? Yeah, that is enough for me. He sounds like a pretty stand up guy.



Do you realize how many children out there have no father? Let alone their bio father wanting to be a part of their life? How many father's take off and never look back? It has been a year now and he is STILL trying.



Get over yourself woman. I think you have some kind of mental issue. Go seek some help!

Sally - posted on 04/06/2012

I agree , sounds like a wind-up to me. Otherwise she is a very stupid selfish women

Mabel - posted on 04/06/2012

Conniving and manipulative.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/06/2012

See Michelle, it is quite obvious she wanted to get pregnant.

Michelle - posted on 04/06/2012

You should tell your daughter the truth. With Skype and email etc, she can have contact with her Father. You are very selfish and I'm honestly amazed that your husband took you back.



You can't blame falling pregnant on the father!!!! It's YOUR body and YOU determine what happens to it. If he wasn't going to use a condom then YOU say no. Very simple.



I can also see why the father doesn't want to visit. Why would he want to spend time with you and your husband?!?!?! He wants to spend time with his daughter. You should meet on neutral ground, not in your home. That's very unfair to him.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/06/2012

I agree with all you ladies. I hope it is a bullshit post.

Rebecca - posted on 04/06/2012

Yeah, I feel there is a ring of "truthiness" to it. It seems way too much information about simple things and not enough info/explanation that makes sense about the complex issues. My bull crap monitor is going off, but I could be wrong.

Jodi - posted on 04/06/2012

I agree with Laura. I am finding it difficult to believe that this post could even be real. I can't believe anyone could be this stupid and selfish.

Isobel - posted on 04/06/2012

This is so ridiculous I almost feel like maybe it's the bio-dad posting and pretending to be the mother...there's no way a mother could possibly be this selfish and obtuse.

Rebecca - posted on 04/06/2012

Why don't you let her father tell her himself, if he is allowed to have the visitation a bio father should have if he is interested in it?



If she has access to him, she can ask him about the whole thing.



You can tell her about your reasons for trying to make your husband her only father.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/06/2012

Sounds to me like the man just wanted to be a part of his childs life. He had every right to know, and you have raped him of the opportunity to be a part of her life. You are extremely selfish with your ideals for what you want out of him. Stop taking away his opportunities to know his daughter. I wish I knew his name so I could look him up and tell him how to take control of this and see his kid.

Sally - posted on 04/06/2012

you are beyond a joke. I really think your nuts or your an attention seeking troll. Like jodi i really canlt stand to listen to anymore of your bullshit. If this is true your not stable and your not fit to be a mother..

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/06/2012

It is YOUR fault the father is not in the picture. Tell her the truth! Don't tell her lies, and actually help her create a bond between her and the REAL father. I mean seriously. Get a clue.

Jodi - posted on 04/06/2012

Oh, wait, the truth makes you LOOK bad and her father look good. We can't have that, can we?

Jodi - posted on 04/06/2012

You tell her the truth.



And sure, I see what you are getting at. This biological father is a total inconvenience to your little plan.

Payola - posted on 04/06/2012

So now to the part not about me. What am I supposed to tell my daughter about this man who is rarely around in her life? Don't you see what I'm getting at here?