Should Married Couples expect sex?

Cat - posted on 09/26/2010 ( 29 moms have responded )

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(Editing this so its more debatable lol)



So I'm very aware that sex drive and depression are linked, whenever I go through a bout of depression my love life falters... I'm trying to work through things, but my husband is not being supportive, he's actually acting like a kid who's favorite toy has been taken away... Its nuts... Do you think its more important for him to expect sex in our marriage, or more important for him to be understanding when there are underlying issues?

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[deleted account]

I think he should be understanding but it goes the other way as well. You should be understanding of the fact that men show love and affection by having sex. That's the way they work and if they are denied that, it is hard for them too. It's necessary to find a middle ground IMO.

Alahnna - posted on 09/26/2010

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I think that there needs to be a little give and take form both parties. What we as women forget, is that men equate love to sex. They express their love mostly physically and sex to them mean love. What men tend to forget is that women equate love with communication and emotions, talking things out and just getting that emotional connection. So I think that both parties need to be understanding of each other and compromise. If your DH was more "emotional" with you, it would make you more willing to want to have the sex he needs :)

Petra - posted on 09/27/2010

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Hahaha, he is a boy whose favorite toy has been taken away. Great analogy!

I definitely think its both - since giving birth 10 months ago and dealing with major sleep deprivation and hoo-ha healing, my libido has all but disappeared. My partner has been really understanding and patient but when I say that the last thing I want at the end of the day is one more person wanting something more from me - he flips. He sees sex as something for both of us and he's right - sometimes its hard for me to get on the same page though. Like someone else said on this thread, once you get going it IS great, its just getting yourself there that can be tricky...

Give him some sex or a bj once in a while and I guarantee you his understanding will skyrocket. Plus, all those lovely endorphins released during orgasm will make your depression momentarily disappear :-)

Nikki - posted on 09/26/2010

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I think a bit of both, there needs to be give and take. For me personally I find it hard to have sex when we are having problems or he is annoying me, I need the emotional before the physical, where as my husband is the opposite, he needs the physical to become emotional. For us it's all about compromise, I think it's important to be understanding of each other's needs.

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Cat - posted on 09/28/2010

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Well we got married for better or worse... there was no sex clause in our vows, so if this is 'worse' there's an expectation on my part for him to TRY to at least be a little understanding... I'm hoping my sex drive will work itself out when my depression works itself out... well, I'm always looking for new things to try, to help me cope... but communication is something that is a constant challenge in my marriage... I do appreciate all the input, its very constructive :)

[deleted account]

As a married couple you should expect sex and so should he.

If your having problems he should be understanding and be supportive but that only goes so far.

But I'm usually ready to go 2-3 times a day and its almost too much for my hubby sometimes.

Laressa - posted on 09/27/2010

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I agree with Petra, having an orgasm will probably help you. If I have a headache or feel down in the dumps like unable to sleep because I'm so stressed (and yes I know all about depression) hubby says "I have the cure for that!" and he does!!! It works like magic every time. But then I have a high sex drive most of the time.

Like the other ladies said, guys equate love and understanding with sex. So next time he asks for sex be thankful that he is trying to understand. Men and women are wired so differently,. Thats a blessing because we balance each other out with our strengths and weaknesses. It doesn't feel like a blessing always but in the big picture it is.

If you really can't get into the mood make sure he knows its not him. Be honest and communicate with him what you are feeling. Every day think of something that you appreciate about him and tell him so, you may be surprised what a difference it makes for your mood.

A book I recommend is "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhan. It has really helped me. Another one we enjoyed as a couple when our sex life needed tuning up was "Red Hot Monogamy" By Bill and Pam Ferral. I believe they are both available from focusonthefamily.org

Cat - posted on 09/27/2010

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Mary, I've totally been in your shoes too, the year after I had my girls was one of the hardest in our marriage we even went to counseling but unfortunately it feels we're back to square one and have to work at respecting/understanding each other once again

[deleted account]

I don't think anyone should "expect sex" in any relationship whether married or not but at the end of the day for most people sex is a big aspect of a relationship or marriage so it comes with the territory naturally.

If couples have problems with sex drive then they should talk about it and the other person should try and be understanding but at the end of the day that won't decrease their desire for sex. I suggest getting medical help from a doctor or even a councillor to rid of the underlying problems may be essential in keeping your marriage together.

ME - posted on 09/27/2010

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Since giving birth 7 months ago, I've had a lot of issues...I never stopped bleeding for one, I've had to switch my birth control three times due to problems with it, I suffered through some post-partum depression for about 3 months, I went back to work three weeks after the baby was born, I'm exhausted, I have constant PAIN in my lower back, and I'm feeling a pretty serious lack of understanding from my husband...We've had sex occasionally (once a week; sometimes more sometimes less)...but he is acting like without sex every day (like it used to be), he has no reason to participate in ANYTHING else around the house...no house work, and only a little with the kids. He's been unemployed for 10 months, and recently went back to work (HOORAY), but that's only made his participation around the house worse/less...which just makes me feel worse, and less like having sex with him...I don't feel like I owe him anything, and even though I really enjoy having sex with him, I'm mostly too tired to care if I get it or not. I've explained to him that I'm exhausted, and need more help from him, but he doesn't get it, he thinks I don't find him attractive anymore or something...So, I guess, I'm not sure what the answer to this one is...I don't think I owe my husband anything just because he said "i do" 5 years ago...

Tah - posted on 09/27/2010

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exactly petra..give and take...he needs to understand what you are going through but you have to see it from his side also...

C. - posted on 09/27/2010

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I think it's definitely more important for your husband to be understanding. However, I also think it's important to make your spouse still feel sexually desirable even if you're going through something.



I'm going through some stuff right now. I've been in a lot of physical pain and just don't feel like having sex with the hubs. He's being very supportive and understands, but I also make sure he still feels like I want him (b/c I DO want him). I still take care of him even if it's not intercourse (since that can get way too painful).



With the depression.. I had gone through a lot of depression in my life, especially after having my son 2 years ago. I'll tell you that while my sex drive dropped a little, I still took care of my husband when he wanted it b/c as his wife, I don't like the thought of turning him away. I love him and want to do everything that I can for him.



This sounds like the problem is stemming from both partners, though. You have to be willing to meet each other in the middle. You give a little, he gives a little, everyone's happy.



And yes, I do think there is a certain level of expectancy when in a marriage. You expect your partner to want you, just as you want your partner.

Louise - posted on 09/27/2010

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Don't worry when you have been married as long as me neither of you can be bothered. This dose not mean we don't love each other because we do. We are just so comfortable with each other now that all we want at the end of a long day is a good nights sleep. Mind you there are still sometimes I think that sex would be a nice finish to the day but before he has got into bed I am pushing up the zzzzzz's!

Cat - posted on 09/26/2010

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lmao Oh Joy that was the best laugh I've had all evening! Thanks for that! ♥

JuLeah - posted on 09/26/2010

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How could sex, with a partner who is depressed and struggling, be all he wants it to be?

Dana - posted on 09/26/2010

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Oral sex, have him give you oral sex. That eases stress. ;) Is that too much? lmao

Serena - posted on 09/26/2010

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I will admit that on the occasion when I want sex and my husband doesn't, my feelings are hurt. I have to agree that in marriage there is a certain expectation of regular sex. But yet your husband is supposed to be your best friend and best friends are supposed to be there for one another...

Cat - posted on 09/26/2010

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Thanks everyone for your insight! I really wish that my husband didnt equate love with sex, it would make things a WHOLE lot easier... I know I'm gonna have to bite the bullet so to speak, at some point soon, in the meantime, I am always looking for ways to ease the stress in my life!

Kim - posted on 09/26/2010

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My husband is very understanding. While pregnant we couldn't have sex, then while nursing I was too dry and since I had my episiotomy it was painful especially while nursing. We would try but for awhile had to stop. He could be pleased other ways, whenever we got a chance with 2 other kids and a baby, and him working a lot. Now its the older kid up too late, or my husband working or staying up too late. But it has gotten better. He should be understanding, but if it does go on for awhile sometimes we just have to be the big person and have sex for them even when we aren't in the mood. I hope things get better for you.

Charlie - posted on 09/26/2010

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Maybe im a man LOL because i equate love to sex , i know its not the epitome of love BUT if im not getting it i dont feel very loved , I NEED SEX.

LOL so yes couples should expect sex IMO i do think couples need to be understanding of each others needs too though .

[deleted account]

See?! I CAN be a 'little' wicked at times. Especially since PMS should be in full swing right about now.

[deleted account]

I should add that, yes, it is also part expectation, but like Dana mentioned... if something is WRONG and the husband is still demanding sex regardless... well, he's just an insensitive prick. Same would be said if there was something wrong on the man's end of things and the woman was demanding it.. though that is probably more rare... I'm sure it happens all too often to some.

Rosie - posted on 09/26/2010

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theres give and take. i know that i don't like having sex when things are a bit wrong with my relationship. but it is a VERY important part of a relationship.
i know that even when i feel down if i literally make myself have sex, i really do enjoy it. it's just the getting started part. try figuring out the source of your depression first, and then you can work on the rest! :)

Dana - posted on 09/26/2010

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I think yes, a married couple should expect sex. Unless of course there is a good medical explanation.
I think, for men, it's hard for them to understand because with men it's a way to connect and to be able to show love.

Although I would say that a man who can't understand that there's a medical reason for no sex has low self-esteem...or is just selfish. lol

[deleted account]

Understanding totally. I know a couple who haven't had sex in about 3 years now. The woman has a medical condition that makes sex painful. SHE is willing to go through w/ it to try and please her husband, but he is not willing to put her through that pain. THAT is love and understanding.

Tah - posted on 09/26/2010

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i definitely think that it's more important that he be understanding but there is a expectation of sex in a marriage because it is the intimacy that is shared. now. I don't think it's a issue of putting one over the other though, i think that everyone needs to be understanding and it should be some give and take.

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