Should Mothers Teach Daughters to Enjoy Sex?

Charlie - posted on 09/25/2010 ( 109 moms have responded )

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We all know sex ed is important but it tends to focus on safety and dangers of sex but should we as parents also focus on teaching our kids to enjoy sex ?

A tempest in the daytime television teapot broke out when Barbara Walters, co-host of "The View," labeled a vibrator a "necessity." Commenting on this clip on the early-morning MSNBC news show, Morning Joe, Mika Brezinski recoiled in disgust, saying this isn't something to be talked about.

Brezinski is - like the First Lady - mother of two young daughters. Aside from registering her visceral disapproval, she said nothing about appropriate sex education for women. The following morning, when the topic arose again, the men on the show jibed, leeringly, "We're feminists. We think it's okay to discuss vibrators." An academic economics expert pointedly declined to address the topic - as though no civilized human being would do so.

So, as an observer from another planet, I conclude - women's sexuality is a topic that no one is allowed to discuss seriously. And yet, sexuality is one of the central issues of - for a start - growing up, life satisfaction, marital success.

Of course, these same commentators and others throughout the media endlessly discuss sexual abuse of girls, cheating celebrity spouses, unintended pregnancies (e.g., Bristol Palin), sexual misbehavior by young women (e.g., Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, etc.). Focusing only on sexual misconduct, abuse, and problems is like training kids to drive solely by showing them car crashes.

So, here are my five questions for Mika Brezinski, as a mother of young girls who fills a highly visible media position.

1. Should girls be taught about sex?

2. What should they be taught?

3. Specifically, is the best policy only to warn them against the dangers of sex?

4. Should girls be taught about sexual pleasure? If so, how?

5. Is it acceptable, or right, for mothers to explain masturbation to daughters as they mature?


how do you answer these questions ?


Interestingly enough, there is a relationship between sex and violence...an inverse proportion. In cultures with more sex, there is less violence. But how are mothers to teach daughters when both are frustrated, fixated and almost wholly ignorant.

Psychology today writes "The majority of Americans don't like dirty sex ,Although they talk dirty, they don't really lose their heads. It's good friendly sex, between two people who care for each other and who will end up in a tepid, suburban relationship. Nothing wrong with that.
French women are actually taking sex one step farther in film - they are saying, "Love is great for passionate sex, but even without love, I want to get laid."

One comment left by a male :

I am married to a North American born and raised women of British ancestry (Debbi). I did have a three year relationship with a French born and raised woman (Julie) prior to marriage.

There is no comparing the sexual experiences. With Julie sex was a remarkable emotional and physical experience. It was the most natural sex has ever felt for me and created a very strong bond between us. With my wife it is lacking in emotional and intense physical pleasure.

Julie's mother and aunt both discussed with how to enjoy sex and make it enjoyable for one's partner. These were regular, ongoing conversations. Julie told me it was normal in France for the women of the family to have these discussions with maturing girls.

By comparison my spouse,Debbi had almost no discussion with her mother about sex. Her parents slept in different rooms from day 1 of their marriage. Sex was something the husband received if all else was ideal in the marriage, so it seems.

Just my experience but the discussions Julie seems to have made a world of difference in attitude and ability. She was very sexually oriented compared to any other woman I have had a relationship with. She was comfortable and open, both emotionally and sexually.

The talking matters a great deal.

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[deleted account]

I haven't read all the previous posts, but this is one subject I feel quite strongly about.



One of the biggest problems is the fact that the US has been founded and raised in a parochial environment. Christian type notions are deep seated in the psyche of the country. Ssshhh, you don't talk about sex, let alone talk about enjoying sex! It's a ridiculous way to think, because it will only get girls and boys in trouble (Bristol Palin) in the future.



I'm Japanese American, but my parents weren't you typical North American parents. They, specifically my DAD, answered any question I had about sex, babies, disease... you name it. I'd visited public bath houses with my mother and showered with my parents as a kid, so nudity was no big deal to me. I think this way of being raised helped me avoid the teen pregnancy pitfalls some of my friends fell into.



To answer your questions:



1) YES!

2) Everything.

3) No, only warning them of the dangers only gives half the story. Not to mention it would appear totally hypocritical to the girl. Think about it, you and your husband have had sex to make your daughter, but you are telling her not to do it because she'll get diseases and her nipples will fall off. If you go even further to not talk about the enjoyment of it, it could give the impression that you aren't supposed to enjoy it but rather "lay back and think of England". I would much rather my daughter feel that the sex that made her was done in the spirit of love and pleasure. Yes, it was a total pleasure making you!

4) Of course! Just as "Julie"'s family did. Age appropriate and as questions arise. Also, I feel that girls should know that sex should be pleasurable and they need to make sure that they know and under their own bodies. If a girl doesn't derive pleasure from sex, then she needs to do whatever needs to be done to accomplish this. I've always been of the mind that my orgasms are MY responsibility. I have never depended on a guy to "give" me an orgasm... I take them! It is not easy for a guy to get a girl to orgasm necessarily, because we're all different. Whereas, it's dead easy to bring about orgasm in a man, because they're all the same! If a girl wants to know what is pleasurable, why not tell her what works for you? Because if she never learns what brings her pleasure, how on earth is her partner ever going to find it?! This goes straight into

5) It is a must. Firstly, we discover it on our own at a very tender age. As a small child, we need to learn that it's not something we can just do anywhere we want to, but we should never be told that we shouldn't touch ourselves. As girls mature, a talk about masturbation won't even be necessary if you've instilled that self-exploration is okay. If you encourage daughters to take the journey of self-discovery, it will give them the knowledge of what is pleasurable to them (specifically) and that it is just another aspect of life.



Mothers (or fathers) talking openly to their daughters about sex will only empower them. They need to know the good, the bad, and the ugly of it. I believe the same is true for boys too. I actually have 2 boys (3 1/2 and 21 months) and they will know whatever they want from us. My eldest already knows that he can ask me anything he wants and I will answer to the best of my ability. Not that he's asked me much about sex yet, but I have been asked why my boobies are bigger than daddy's and why don't I have a willy. lol

Ez - posted on 09/26/2010

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I think portraying sex as normal and enjoyable is important, but I have no intention of drawing my daughter a diagram!! If I have done my job in raising her, she will feel comfortable coming to me with any questions. But it's certainly not something I would bring up over dinner.

JuLeah - posted on 09/25/2010

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Women should be encouraged to learn their bodies and what they like. They should be taught to ask for what they want, and kick a partner to the curb, if it is not given.
I can't tell you how many women I know are never, and I mean never, satisfied with sex. They 'do it' to please him and 'if they are lucky' get to cuddle after - What the F???

NO

I know so many women who have no idea what it takes for them to reach orgasm - and have been with the same guy for YEARS

I know so many women who will give oral sex, but would never consider asking for it - what up with that?

I know so many women who were taught how to fake it

So, yes, I think both girls and boys need to be taught - how to ask, how to listen, how to explore, how to suggest, how to learn .... how to masturbate, how to set limits, how to speak up when things are not working ..... how to say no, hear no, respect no

Sex is such an important part of life and it is crap that, “If he really loved me he’d know what I like”
We are not skilled mind readers, us humans. We need to talk with one another 

Jodi - posted on 09/27/2010

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"Anyone who deems a vibrator necessary obviously doesn't know how to have sex properly."

So, Emma, are you also suggesting that any man who masturbates also doesn't know how to have sex properly? Or is this just a double standard thing?

[deleted account]

Yes, I think that girls should be taught about sexual pleasure, as should boys. When young boys start masturbating it is common and acceptable for their mother or father to acknowledge the fact and teach them that it is normal and that there are appropriate times and places etc and hygiene practices that go hand in hand (pun intended) with it. The same should apply to girls. There is no need to discuss technique or offer tips if either party is uncomfortable (and likely will be) but acknowledgement of sexual pleasure is a part of sexual health education as far as I'm concerned and opens the door for clear and honest discussions.



I can't remember what age my mother started speaking to me about it, but she has always reinforced (for example) the importance of pelvic floor exercises to me, I can remember her telling me how to do them and why: 'it is good to keep up these exercises they have so many uses, it helps you have control over your bladder now and into old age, it helps with core strength, in pregnancy and when giving birth and also helps makes sex enjoyable'. Now I didn't always like hearing my mum talk about sex but I am glad that she linked many aspects of sexual health and sexual enjoyment together during those talks. I was able to combine the knowledge I learnt from her and other sources to get a comprehensive picture of what sexuality entails and that responsible sex is more than just safe sex and has implications for the emotional and the physical.



Sexual health should incorporate more than just physical and physiological aspects, there are psychological, emotional and attitudinal aspects that should also be freely discussed. Boys and girls alike should be taught that sexual relationships require mutual understanding and consideration and that each partner is entitled to equal respect, pleasure and appreciation in the relationship and in the sexual act. Surely when you discuss oral sex for example (as being a sexual act and still requiring safe sex practices) it is going to occur to your child that it is performed for pleasure and that it is a two way street and if it doesn't, well then I think it is the educators responsibility to explain and address that. If you choose not to be the one providing your child with comprehensive sexual education, that is your choice, but I DO believe that addressing sexual pleasure and equal sexual rights and responsibilities is part of comprehensive sexual education.



I also think that as with all education this should be child led (led by their individual capability of understanding, their curiosity, appropriateness of information given etc). Yes, technique etc in achieving and providing sexual pleasure is a personal thing that individuals need to explore for themselves, but part of learning that is through discussion and conversation with peers and trusted people. I think it is healthy if a daughter is educated with the concept that she is entitled to sexual pleasure in a relationship and if she is later curious and wants a parent/trusted relative/guardian to elaborate on ways that can be achieved, to me that just indicates that they have a strong and healthy relationship which will provide her with a basis for establishing other strong, healthy relationships with others in her life.

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Desiree - posted on 10/14/2010

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Liz- The funny thing is it actually works... Sometimes the advice they gave makes a lot of sense....

[deleted account]

Desiree- My great aunt, RIP, came over from Italy as a teen. She gave me the same advice her mother gave her.
She said a successful marriage consists of a wife being a cook in the kitchen, a hostess in the living room and a slut bedroom.
Gotta love old bitties.

Bonnie - posted on 10/14/2010

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And maybe that is what you meant by WHEN appropriate. If it is I appologise.

Bonnie - posted on 10/14/2010

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@ Loureen, I wouldn't necessarily say that parents not having a sex talk or drug talk with their children is irresponsible of them. I would say it depends on the children. My brother and I were both fairly mature and responsible growing up, so I am thinking maybe my parents didn't feel the need to bring it up. They were there to guide us, but did not outright sit us down. We were not the type to run around irresponsibly or have late nights where my parents had no idea where we were. It's those who need the talks. That's just my opinion though.

Desiree - posted on 10/14/2010

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And Why Not when the child reaches the appropriate age and emmotional stability. This is why Today we still have so many teen mom because it taboo for woman to speak to her daughter so candidily. and then instead of getting the information they need from their mom they get the wrong message from thier friends and go experimenting with it.

Why should a woman or girl a not enjoy sex 2 not be ready for it. Yes I belive it important. My mom never spoke to me about it enough thank heavens for my husband because he taught me how to enjoy it and made my first experience so wonderful. I want the same for my daughter, I don't want her to go through life thinking it normal for a woman not to climax every time they have sex, or what the pitfalls are when having sex to early in life. I hear from far to many woman how it's become a chore and not enjoyable and good amount of them fake and orgasim. it sad that its become such a joke for the men our lives but yet if we joke about thier inabilities its a problem.

We are not in the dark ages anymore and time for us to talk openly about a good many things in our lives.

An old Jewish woman gave me the best advice just before I married " A lady in Public, a slut in the bedroom". One sure way of keeping a happy marriage.

Charlie - posted on 10/13/2010

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@ Bonnie. Sex isn't everything. But it's the most fun ;-)

What Carol said LOL .

Of course a relationship just based on sex isnt healthy there are many aspects of a relationship that need equal attention but no i would never put sex on the backburner or let the flame die out , we attend all needs for each other , physically , mentally , spiritually and sexually , personally i enjoy sex when two people love each other and do for each other it can be and is a very deep and spiritual experiance between two people , its amazing how many people in the world have sex all their lives and NEVER experiance that intense moment with their partner and im not just talking about reaching an orgasm either .

I think the issue is those opposed to it think that this topic with your child is way more graphic than it actually is , in fact i barely needs to BE about sex and more about expectations of being treated equally in a relationship and sharing and that this needs to be said of sex too , you certainly dont need to go into graphic detail about , no oone is saying as soon as your daughter hits 10,11,12 you need to sit them down with a diogram of a vagina and point out exactly where is pleasurable and what their partners can do , NO like any sex education it needs to age appropriate .


personally i think not having a sex talk or a drug talk WHEN appropriate is irresponsible .

Jodi - posted on 10/13/2010

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My mom and I have always had a very open door policy on everything. I never had one big sex talk, it was brought up under proper circumstances many many times from my earliest memories, mostly when something sexual was brought up by me ("Mommy, why does brother have a penis?" "Mommy, where do babies come from?" etc etc) It's how I learned that mom didn't want me to have sex while I was young, but if I ever did I could come to her with questions, concerns etc etc. I always felt very secure and comfortable talking sex with my mom. After asking about masturbating and what not in my teenage years, she bought me a vibrator at my request (have to be 18 to even enter a porn shop around here!). When my then boyfriend and I were ready to have sex (when I was 19 btw He's been my one and only!) I asked my mom what to do and her answer is exactly how I want to go about it with my daughters.
She told me that there is no one way to have sex, many people like many different things and the only way to have enjoyable sex is to communicate in one way or another what feels good, what we want to try, what we don't like etc etc etc. She told me to not ever be ashamed about any sexual desires I may have and if anyone ever made me feel that way then I shouldn't be having sex with them! She did not give me step by step instructions on how to pleasure my now husband but gave me the best foundation possible to building what has turned out to be a great sexual relationship. I know, that even now, if I had any questions about sex I could go to her and she would answer them as best she could.
Would I ever tell my daughters *how* to give a hand job, or what position is sexiest...only if they asked specifically and only the basics, that's something they have to figure out what feels best for the both of them.

Johnny - posted on 10/13/2010

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"I don't think I could approach it as lesson time, but if we are pals when she is older and we get on the topic, I'll talk to her about whatever she wants. Now I say that, but may get the "squicks" and sit there like a deer frozen in the headlights."

lmao Kimberly. That's pretty much exactly how I feel about it. It is not something I'm planning to discuss during any sex ed conversations or in a formal lesson plan (that would be a tad odd) but in casual conversation once they're in their late teens, early 20's. I'm not planning to go into graphic details, that would be rather creepy, but there's other ways to discuss these things. I think having these talks with my mom & auntie really helped me, particularly since my first sexual experiences were painful & upsetting. I had the nicest boyfriend, and it would have been really helpful if anyone had done anything to educate him on how to have sex! After those experiences, I needed to know it could be good and how.

@ Bonnie. Sex isn't everything. But it's the most fun ;-)

Bonnie - posted on 10/13/2010

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I agree with Liz. Our children should know the dangers of sex not really how enjoyable it is. Some kids are doing it way too early in life as it is and by telling them it is enjoyable or rooting it on just tells them it is okay to do it at a young age. Neither of my parents ever had a sex talk or drug talk with either me or my brother.
Sex is a very important part in a relationship. It is important to be compatible that way. But it is also a known fact that if you can get along with your partner in other aspects and leave sex on the back burner/take it or leave it, you and your partner are meant to be. Not saying those who need sex all the time are doomed in relationships, just that sex isn't everything.

Kimberly - posted on 10/13/2010

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I don't think I could approach it as lesson time, but if we are pals when she is older and we get on the topic, I'll talk to her about whatever she wants. Now I say that, but may get the "squicks" and sit there like a deer frozen in the headlights.

Krista - posted on 10/13/2010

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I don't know if it's necessary for mothers to teach their daughters to enjoy sex. Mine never did. And I probably WOULD have been a bit squicked out if my mom had tried to have that conversation with me.

However, I think that if a mother teaches her daughter all of the facts about sex, and teaches her to respect herself, and to demand respect from her partner, and to not be ashamed of her sexual feelings, and to listen to her body, then I think that this would go a very, very long way towards ensuring that the daughter someday has a fulfilling sex life.

[deleted account]

Young teens should know the dangers of sex. They do start way before 18 but I wouldn't promote it, before then, as enjoyable.

Sherri - posted on 10/13/2010

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Wow I would be happy having it every other month. My husbands mother never had enjoy sex talk with him and I can assure you in ever way neither did his father and I can assure you he is not selfish ever. It is all about me and then himself second. So you don't have to have this talk to have a partner that cares about the person he is with.

[deleted account]

Well my mother warned me as a young adult that many young men are selfish lovers and worry about them selves. Thats why she took me to buy a vibrator when I was 18 and she simply said "a womans body is much more complicated then a mans and they can't help you if you don't know what you want." I don't believe in waiting till your married either because sexual chemistry is very important. But I guess it all depends on your own sexuality and how important it is to you. I get bitchy after a day or two without because I'm good to go 3 times a day.

My motto, Try it before you buy it.

Sherri - posted on 10/13/2010

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Ya hubby doesn't talk to my kids I do. He just doesn't feel right about it so I am not shy right at it I went. I just don't feel it is my place to discuss the pleasure of it with my kids no matter what the age. Therefore they will be learning on there own with there partners like most people I know.

[deleted account]

Oh Sherri- I don't see why you would be so horrified about teaching your children sex is enjoyable. Obviously it would have to be age appropriate, 18 is when I'll have that discussion with my girls. Just like my hubby will talk to my boys so there not selfish lovers, again age appropriate 18.

Sherri - posted on 10/13/2010

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Carol I have educated them all about sex?? So I guess not getting what you are saying at all. We don't have a closed door at all if they ask questions. However, I seriously doubt if they are going to come to be and ask me if sex is enjoyable. Cruise the internet for what?

Stifler's - posted on 10/13/2010

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Sex is MEANT to be enjoyable and help you connect to your partner and bring you closer together. I don't think we should make it sound clinical and like "use a condom, sex causes pregnancy, sex is for reproduction only" etc. just because we want to discourage premature sexual activity.

Johnny - posted on 10/12/2010

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It may be a small part of YOUR marriage, but it's a big part of mine. I love sex and so does my husband. We both get a bit snarky when we go without for too long. Sex brought us together and although we have loads of other stuff we like to do together, I'd say that sex is still our favorite.

Do I expect everyone to like sex? No. And if my daughter decides that she is non-sexual or asexual, I will support her. I might be befuddled, but I'll lead her to the resources she needs to understand her own feelings. But just because you see sex as a small thing, Sherri, doesn't mean that one of your children won't be really into it (I know none of us like to think about that). Why would you want to have a closed door if they've got questions to ask? Would you rather them cruise the internet or ask around at school for the information?

Sherri - posted on 10/12/2010

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Am I repulsed by it NO!! Do I think it is a huge part of a marriage no not really I would much rather just snuggle and hang out with my husband without everything always needing to be about sex. It is really such a small part of our marriage. It just doesn't in my opinion need to be this huge thing. Kids will learn this all on there own. Some things just aren't supposed to be taught by parents some things they need to learn all by them selves and this is one of them imo.

Charlie - posted on 10/12/2010

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Its not making a big deal at all , in fact its the opposite , making sex normal and comfortable .

The way a persons views sex is very much determined by how they are raised and how their parents portray it , making the very conversation of sex taboo has great effect on a persons sex life as an adult , far too many people DONT know how to enjoy sex because of this very reason , i mean your comments on sex seem to make a fine example of that .

Sex is the deepest most intimate and special way to bond its what makes our relationship with our partners differ to other relationships , to be able to enjoy the feeling of that closeness and to reach the pinnacle of orgasm is something to be cherished between couples IMO and that can only be reached by knowing HOW to enjoy sex .
That doesnt really mean going into detail its about teaching how to respect each other , share , give and take and how appreaciate yourself .

Kate CP - posted on 10/12/2010

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Sherri, it sounds like you really don't like sex at all. In fact, it sounds like you kinda hate it and are repulsed by it.

Sherri - posted on 10/12/2010

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I will not be teaching any of my kids to ENJOY SEX for peats sake they will realize that all in good time. I will not be teaching them anything about sex other then the basic educational part of it I will not be teaching my boys about masturbation either. They can learn it all on there own, no explanation needed.

I never owned sex toys nor will I ever. We have sex but unless I am trying to get pregnant quite honestly I could go several months without needing or wanting it. I just don't care enough about it. I really think of it as such a small part of life. My husband gives oral sex, I do not. Positively hate it.

I just don't get why everyone makes this big deal about sex. People all realize it in good time and we don't need these kids being any more sexually active then they already are. Somethings are meant to learn when they are with there partners not by a parent.

Stifler's - posted on 10/12/2010

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Oh dear. I have vibrators and stuff I just don't see them as a "necessity". I can't orgasm using them they're uncomfortable and boring compared to having sex. Why would you assume I don't masturbate just because I don't see a vibrator as a necessity?

[deleted account]

I was going to ask the same question as Lillith. "In a hands on way" to some would constitute sexual abuse, so please explain!

[deleted account]

My mom took me to buy my first vibrator when I turned 18. The lady at the store told us she saw mothers bring daughters in all the times for the same reason.

[deleted account]

Oh no, that doesn't sound selfish at all! But then, I've been called "Samantha" (from Sex and the City) before. You have to think like a man if you want to get yours. I never had a problem with orgasms, probably because I had this way of thinking. It's not that you don't take care of your partner, you're just making sure you get yours first!

And you're right about the head having to be in the right place. But wow, MORE sensitive! Lucky bitch!! :-) I'm less so.

LOL - And the girl on top is the golden shower moment for me. No idea why that is, but I find it hysterical in a way.

Ta for that! I'll have a squizz.

Charlie - posted on 09/29/2010

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honestly it was a struggle for me to reach orgasm for a long while until about the time i met my partner over 5 years ago im very open minded so it took a bit of exploration until i found exactly the right position that does it for me everytime ( on top , pressure on clitoris ) but its also a mental thing , i have to be really in the zone and dare i say it , think like a man LOL by that i mean really focus on how every aspect feels for me ( be a little selfish i suppose ) dont get me wrong i take care of him too but i really think your mentality going into it plays a huge role in the outcome .

I dont think it has changed since birth but i do know i am far more sensitive !

Donna you should check out my community sex and relationships you could be very helpful !
http://www.circleofmoms.com/sex-and-rela...

[deleted account]

I agree that Emma needs to get a bit more educated, but she's got lots of time ahead of her. She's only young still and you can only learn just so much at a time. As time goes on, she'll learn more about sex and maybe just how many different ways it can be fun, as long as her mind is open. I only hope she learns a bit more tact and empathy as time goes by too.



Christina, I get where you're coming from. There is always something to do or worry about when it's all in your lap. Some people use sex (i.e. masturbation) as a stress reliever. It actually works really well! Think of how relaxed you are after orgasm... as if there isn't a care in the world (for at least 2 minutes). Maybe you could add a little "kink" and stress relief to your life on your next phone call with your husband? He could probably use it too. :-)



Carol I nearly peed myself reading your comment! I must be physiologically arranged to get a dog leg from vibes. LOL



Oh Loureen, I'm so jealous of you! I used to be like you, before I had kids. Now, I can't be bothered a lot of the time because I'm too tired. I'm also a fairly easy orgasmer (if that's even a word!), but that has come through finding out exactly which positions and methods do it for me. Have you found that since having kids the positions you like have changed? There is one I used to like in particular, but now it's a sure fire way for my husband to have a golden shower! He doesn't mind a bit of kink, but even HE draws the line at that! No amount of chocolate body paint makes up for having him endure an unexpected downpour.



Yup, the double click of the mouse! lol Does anyone else find that you can click more effectively than your partner? Even if you've trained him?! Thankfully blokes are visual and many don't mind if you do it yourself.

Mandy - posted on 09/29/2010

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Emma - I think you should do some research on the history of sex toys. Marital aids (love that phrase lol) have been around in some way or another since time began. There are fossilised dildos and wind-up vibrators, so there was never a time before these, they're just easier to get and better quality now days.

I think I get what you mean Christina. If I was in your situation I wouldn't think about sex much ether, but a quick double click of the mouse is a good stress reliever for me.

Mandy - posted on 09/29/2010

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I think we should teach our older children about how great sex can be with the right person. We focus too much on the dangers of sex, quite rightly but we seem to forget how amazing sex can be. I've already told my husband he has to has the conversation with our son when he's old enough how how to treat the woman he's with (or man if he's that way inclined lol), not the actual things you can do but how to be thoughtful and caring. I plan to do the same with my daughter, teach that sex in a loving relationship is amazing and how she should never feel forced to do anything she feels uncomfortable with. Obviously I'm not going to be lending her a vibrator but I wouldn't object to her owning one.
I keep imaging the scene from American Pie with Jim and his dad ....."do you know what a clitoris is?" PMSL

C. - posted on 09/29/2010

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I never said that you all didn't know that there was more to life than sex. I just meant that with a husband gone for almost a year, you have much more on your plate than worrying about your sexual desires. Did I ever get lonely? You bet. But I had much more important things going on, like wondering if my husband was going to come home alive or in a box-- Especially those times where I couldn't talk to him for a week or so. The way Jodi was talking made it sound like I didn't have anything to do. I had too much to do to worry about when I was going to 'get some' next. If you all use vibrators, that's YOUR business. I happen to think they aren't a necessity b/c I've never needed them. I wasn't insulting anyone at all. Just explaining that *I* didn't have a 'need' for one and that I still don't have a 'need' for one. If you do, good for you- I really don't care. Whatever makes you happy. I just don't need to know about it.

Charlie - posted on 09/28/2010

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If you dont use it you lose it ( in this case sexual desire )
Geeze Christina your post makes it sound as if those who enjoy the use of vibrators or masturbation sit around all day waiting for the kids to sleep so they get off , LMAO !

I would hazard a guess that most women dont use it everyday , we are sexually aware not sexually obsessed sheesh .

If your fine with your arrangement GOOD for you but dont be insulting by preaching to us "theres more to life " .....obviously , we are mothers , we have our priorities , kids , partners being sexually aware of our own needs does not negate that .

Cat - posted on 09/28/2010

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Well I always feel like the odd one out... I dont own any toys and I've never masterbated... I just dont (and havent ever) felt the need... What other people do should be their business... Who knows, maybe my kids will have low sex drives like me, then they'll just have to find partners who are compatible with them... But at the end of the day, its not my business to teach my kids how to enjoy sex... That is a self discovery lesson they can journey towards on their own....

C. - posted on 09/28/2010

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Jodi, when my husband was deployed, I still didn't have a vibrator. It just wasn't a necessity as I was practically the ONLY one taking care of my son. Sexual desires got put on the back burner, and I'm pretty sure that's how it's going to be every deployment. And I'm fine with that b/c there are more important things in life than sex. Though I enjoy sex.. A lot, when I'm not in pain.. Sometimes there's more to life. Like taking care of my kid and worrying about the next time I'll get to talk to my husband.

Johnny - posted on 09/28/2010

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Ah yes Loureen. The people with the moral opposition to masturbation..... lol.

Charlie - posted on 09/28/2010

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I wonder if you have the same attitude towards masturbation ?

I am one of the few that orgasm VERY easily through sex however i still masturbate , i am a very sexual person and sometimes i get the urge and my mans at work ......you know how the rest goes , it really has nothing to do with the quality of sex .

Johnny - posted on 09/28/2010

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Emma, physiologically, some women are actually arranged so that orgasm through intercourse is virtually impossible. Vibrators may give them their best off. It's not "sad". Everyone is different. Like I said, I'm physiologically arranged so that they make me want to pee.

Amie - posted on 09/28/2010

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Emma, some women can not orgasm without the help of a vibrator.



Just because a woman can not reach orgasm without one does not mean they are not having sex properly or that "it's sad". I find you quite rude Emma and you may want to do some research before making judgments about a subject you obviously know nothing about.



You could start to become educated by reading this:





The Female Orgasm

What is a 'female orgasm'?



Orgasm is really a reflex reaction that involves muscular, hormonal, blood flow, emotional, psychological variables, and petrochemicals all in one coordinated event. And it's actually a learned reflex response like how when you cross the street, you hear a car coming, it's a reflex to step back but the reason you know to step back is because you know the car will hit you. It's the same with Orgasm, its a learned reflex that generally occurs during puberty if not before. And if those brain-genital connections are not made, for whatever reason in a young child/prepubescent then its very difficult for an adult to all of a sudden learn how to have an Orgasm. I see a lot of patients that have never experienced Orgasm throughout their entire life. It's like trying to learn Chinese when you're forty as opposed to three. It's much more difficult, not to say that it can't happen.



What is 'female orgasmic disorder'?



Female orgasmic disorder is defined as lack of or inability to achieve orgasm, decrease in the intensity of the orgasm, where they have a quote unquote, muffled feeling. Or change in the intensity of orgasm or the frequency where they're harder to achieve and less intense. So it's anywhere on that spectrum, from not being able to, to a change in the quality defines orgasmic disorder.



What are some common medical reasons a woman can't reach orgasm?



The most common medical reasons for changes in orgasmic function are related to aging and menopause, and that's due to changes in hormones, blood flow, changes in our brain chemistry, and that's probably the most common cause. Other causes can be prior pelvic surgery, hysterectomy, bladder surgery, childbirth, medications. The antidepressant medications clearly are probably one of the most common causes for orgasmic disorder.



When should a woman see a doctor about her inability to reach orgasm?



Generally, if the orgasmic disorder is medically based it does not occur in isolation. The woman will also be experiencing other symptoms related to aging and menopause most likely. When it has become problematic and when it is causing her personal distress is when she should seek medical attention. But I say the earlier the better. If you wait until you can't have an orgasm and your hot flashing all over the place and hate your husband, and are depressed and can't sleep then it is much harder to treat. It is better, you have a better result the earlier you come in and the earlier you address these issues.



Can women on anti-depressants be treated for orgasmic disorder?



A lot of times women will get put on antidepressants because they're depressed they can't have an orgasm or depressed due to mood changes associated with menopause, and if they had been adequately evaluated and treated and received hormonal balance, dietary changes, and lifestyle changes, they might not need the antidepressants. So I always determine, is this something you have a long standing history of depression, or is this something that happened acutely, you know recently. And then to evaluate in working with whoever their psychiatrist or provider is in providing the type of antidepressant with the least sexual function side effects, of which, by the way, there aren't many which is part of the problem. And then once we've exhausted all those possibilities we can give things such as Viagra to enhance sexual arousal and orgasms and topical genital sensation enhancing cream in addition to testosterone, oxytocin and things along those lines.



Can Kegel exercises improve a woman's ability to climax?



Kegel exercises help to enhance power for a time and during sexual intercourse contracting the pelvic forward muscles can help to enhance sensation and arousal and hence encroachment and hence directional pressure on the G spot and in some cases help to orgasm.



Are 'sex toys' good ways for women to orgasm?



I definitely encourage women to explore sex toys, alone, and or with a partner. And there's nothing to be ashamed about, there's nothing wrong with that, the only thing that I say is be conscientious of how there used, of cleaning them, of what the material is, if whether they can go in water or not go in water. But it is definitely an adjunct to the sexual relationship and over time when you feel comfortable with something, that is perfectly fine to incorporate into your relationship.



Which vibrators help a woman to orgasm best?



There are vibrators now that provide vaginal stimulation, vaginal pressure along with clitoral stimulation, those can be the next phase, but the pure vaginal stimulator, G-spot stimulators, require some degree of knowledge and time and effort.



If a woman doesn't orgasm for several years, can she lose her ability to do so?



If a woman doesn't achieve orgasm for several years, I would have hoped that she would have talked to her doctor about it. But there is the, use it or lose it phenomenon, that we refer to in men, also applies to women. The more sexually active we are, the more sexual stimulation we have. The more blood flow to the genital area, the more arousal stimulation we have. The better the health of our genital area, the better our sexual health. So this, whatever the problem, it's not something that you should wait over months or for that matter years to address.

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