should older siblings be unpaid child care??

Kari - posted on 07/26/2011

I think that while it is ok to expect older siblings to help out here and there, it is a shame when they are taken advantage of. You only get one childhood and that is your time to be young and carefree and play, etc...I don't think it is right to expect them to babysit all of the time especially when they are missing out on fun things that their friends are doing! If you have kids, they are your responsibility, and you shouldn't be pawning off that responsibility to your other children. If you can't handle them, don't have any more!

Jurnee - posted on 07/25/2011

My children are 26, 23, 18 and 9. My 26 year old is married with children, so we frequently will swap babysitting. My 18 year old does watch the 9 year old, usually if I have to run to the store for a few minutes. She does watch him if I have a girls night out, or a date as well, but only if she has no plans of her own. In that case I will either find a babysitter, take him along or just stay home. My oldest daughter did watch my youngest daughter after school while she was in hs for about 2 hrs a few days a week, when my parents couldn't do it. It was actually more her idea though, since they were very close. As far as not allowing your child to go away or go out because the need to baby sit, to me that just seems wrong. I always made sure that my older ones had a social life, though they did help out at home as well.

Amie - posted on 07/23/2011

Well the norm is usually dinner and a movie or something along those lines. So 3-5 hours depending on what you're doing and travel time. (For us it takes 20-25 min. one way to get into the city)

Sherri - posted on 07/23/2011

Okay I just pulled a number out of my butt. Since I don't go out without my kids often I have no idea what is the norm persay.

The last time I went out for an evening was 8mo's ago when I threw a surprise birthday party for my husband and I was gone for 7hrs and yes I hired a babysitter to watch my then 4 yr old as my 12yr old and 13yr old at the time were self sufficient.

Now my older two get tons of responsibility taking care of other lives I do in home daycare. They are surrounded by little kids that during the summer they help with quite often.

Teresa - posted on 07/22/2011

Yeah, I've never left my kids w/ ANYONE for 12 hours... except for sleepovers.... and w/ their father.

The longest I've ever had anyone babysit is 6ish hours... and those were the days I was taking my GED. On a 'regular' thing... well, I don't ever HAVE a regular thing, so the longest I have anyone 'watch' them... is school.

Even when I was briefly dating... the longest my dad ever had the kids and was 'babysitting' was 5 hours. I can't even imagine anything I would need someone for 12 hours for....

Amie - posted on 07/22/2011

Sherri, Can you please explain why 12 hours would be something you would consider a babysitting period for a teenager? I've never, even when I was a teen babysitting, heard of a teenager being left to babysit for 12 hour periods regularly.

As a one off or special occasion, ok that I can understand and it would definitely depend on the teen on whether I would allow that in my home. It sounds like it would be a regular thing though and why you don't let your sons babysit. Why 12 hour stretches?

Jodi - posted on 07/22/2011

Yeah, I must admit, I still can't see anything *cruel* about it. The usage of that term, I think, is wrong.



But I agree with Loureen, 12 hours is a long time to be leaving kids with older siblings, unless they are adults. I was thinking a couple of hours here and there too, or an evening while you went to a movie or dinner or something. Certainly not 12 hours.......

Charlie - posted on 07/22/2011

Different perspectives I guess and I respect that it is something you feel is your responsibilty , I see it as occasionally teaching the child responsibilty of another life ....a very important lesson in my books although I think 12 hours is a huge ask , I couldnt imagine any parent would ask 12 hours often if ever , I was thinking more in terms of a couple of hours at most.

I have certain things that I choose for me and me only ...not because I think it is cruel to the other party more so because it is my choice / decision so I get what you are saying although the choice of "cruel" as the description for some reason confuses ...and irks me.

Sherri - posted on 07/22/2011

No my kids do things everyday they may not enjoy but have to be done such as chores and they do get over it. Thank you very much.

This just isn't something in my book that they have to do, This is a job I should be doing and is dumping my responsibility on them that is the difference.

This isn't so much their issue as it is mine. It isn't their responsibility period and therefore I will not push my duties on to them.

Does my younger one ask to stay with his brothers on occasion if I am going to run an errand sure and if my older ones say sure no problem then I will. However, I will never force them to watch him and I guess that is the difference.

Jodi - posted on 07/22/2011

This is where I am failing to understand. So by your definition of cruel Sherri, it is cruel of me to have my children fold washing as part of their chores. Because I can tell you now, they HATE it. With a passion. But it is a task in the house that needs to be done, and it is on their list of jobs because it is one they are perfectly capable of doing with little to no supervision. They can just get over it.

Sherri - posted on 07/22/2011

Okay I feel I would be being cruel to force them to do something especially my oldest that he would positively hate. Now does he hate his brother, no. Does he play with him and help out yes. However, does he enjoy watching him and having to devote 100% of his time with him for 12hrs hell no, he would think it was the worst punishment imaginable. Especially since my youngest does not like to listen to his brothers since I am constantly telling him they have no authority over him and then if I go out I tell him he has to listen to him and they are the boss. So yes it is very cruel of me to do for everyone involved since my youngest hates being watched by his older brothers, and my oldest hates being in charge of his younger brother.



Now my middle one doesn't mind watching his brother but I don't trust him as much. He has ADHD and when his medicine wears off tends to get very hyper and can play a bit too rough and not use the best judgment. So I worry someone could get hurt.

Jodi - posted on 07/22/2011

Loureen, you're right, I think it is the term *cruel* that I have a problem with.

Teresa - posted on 07/22/2011

When my girls are old enough to be home alone watching their brother.... there's no WAY I'd pay a sitter to come if they are going to be home anyway. Now if THEY had plans too (that were already preapproved by me).... either I'd get a sitter, take him w/ me (if possible), or not go... Unless it's an emergency situation, but I just can't picture hiring a sitter to come and watch one kid while two perfectly capable older siblings are sitting around already. Of course, in my home.... they'd all be on top of each other anyway cuz there's no space. ;)

Charlie - posted on 07/22/2011

It's only cruel if the child who is babysitting is somehow in pain or is suffering which I would find completley odd for a teen to react that way to merely be looking after their own sibling.

Perhaps a poor choice of words ? I dont know but for it to be deemed cruelty in the true sense of the word would mean the babysitting child has some serious issue.

Rosie - posted on 07/22/2011

i understand that, i don't get out too often myself,mostly cause i can't find anyone to watch them, but also casue of guilt. however, i think it's healthy for both the parent AND the children to have the mother get out and have some fun. a year and a half is too long, get out and shake your booty woman!!!

Jodi - posted on 07/22/2011

You should never feel guilty for occasionally having your own fun, Sherri. It's not going to hurt the kids to have to be responsible once in a while. Obviously if this is how you feel, it is how you feel, and I won't pretend to understand. But you shouldn't be feeling guilty about anything.

Sherri - posted on 07/22/2011

I honestly don't know why Dyan. It is just the way I feel about it and NO it would never happen more often since I HATE to be away from my kids virtually ever. Heck the last time I was even away from them overnight was a yr and half ago. So I feel guilty leaving them to do something that I feel is my responsibility for my own pleasure.

Jodi - posted on 07/22/2011

Neither do I, Dyan. I just can't see how it is in any way cruel for any family to ask occasionally.

Rosie - posted on 07/22/2011

yeah, huge difference between once in a while and having them raise your kid for you. do you feel that having the older ones do it once in a while will lead to you asking more or something? cause i dont' really get the argument otherwise.

Sherri - posted on 07/22/2011

As I said I don't think YOU are cruel, however, I would feel CRUEL if I did it.

Jodi - posted on 07/22/2011

Fair enough.....I am also *cruel* enough to ask my 14 year old to watch his sister occasionally too.

Sherri - posted on 07/22/2011

Nope for you to ask your 19yr old. I don't care what others do within their families. Also a 19yr old is a far cry from a 14 or 12yr old.

However, In my house and within MY family I feel it is cruel to make MY 14 or 12yr old to watch their 5yr old brother unless they choose too.

Jodi - posted on 07/22/2011

I think there is a big difference between asking siblings to "watch" their younger siblings for a night out once a month or so and forcing them to raise them........

I also think the term *cruel* is a little harsh, because according to you it is *cruel* of us to ask our 19 year old to babysit for us......

Sherri - posted on 07/22/2011

That is how I feel Jodi they are my kids not their siblings responsibility. It was my choice to have them not my older kids choice to have younger siblings. So yes I feel badly asking them to have to watch their younger brother. Do they help out occasionally with him at home sure. But to have to watch them because I want a night out nope I don't feel it is fair. Do I mind that others choose it nope not at all, but for myself nope I would rather get a sitter or not go out at all.



I have seen to many young kids be forced to help raise their siblings and it just is not fair and heartbreaking to me to watch. So I refuse to do it to mine.



@Krista what the dog is for??

Krista - posted on 07/22/2011

Nah -- there's no need to tie down older siblings and make them watch the baby.



That's what the dog is for.



Or so I hear.

Jodi - posted on 07/22/2011

" However, I think it is cruel and only ever ask once or twice a yr."

How, exactly, is it *cruel*?

Julianne - posted on 07/22/2011

Mine are going to be too close together to be occasional babysitters. After i have this one...i'm done. I'm still taking care of my younger siblings....my 17 year old sister just lived with me for a couple weeks because my mom kicked her out, and i take my 8 year old brother at least once a week since school let out. Now its a choice though. :P

Charlie - posted on 07/22/2011

I think that our children are part of our family and while they shouldn't be depended on they should have responsibilities .

It is part of our job to teach them how to run a household , clean, organise and yes take care of another life because one day they may have children too.

Everything is a lesson in fact I used to babysit my little sister ( and other kids who I was paid to babysit ) and this was in large my inspiration to become a teacher and one day a mother. I loved babysitting my sister and having that responsibility , it gave me pride and the extra confidence that I used when I got my first job , when I studied to become a teacher and when I first fell pregnant , none of it was new to me and I was glad to have that , I am glad my parents gave the the opportunity .

Sherri - posted on 07/22/2011

Interesting both my middle and oldest are old enough to babysit my youngest. However, I think it is cruel and only ever ask once or twice a yr. I just don't feel it is their job and actually usually hire a sitter for my 5 yr old and my older two watch themselves.

Sarah - posted on 07/22/2011

I can't wait for my eldest to be able to babysit ;)

In all honesty though, I wouldn't expect her do it all the time, but now and again, I don't see the big deal at all.

Corinne - posted on 07/22/2011

Hmmmm... I think occasional babysitting and changing nappies, bathing is great, it helps to teach responsibility and shows older kids that Mums job isn't all that easy. I learned how to fold and pin a nappy on my little brother when I was seven, something that I remembered and used with my own kids. Having older kids help to the point that you can't cope without them? No, that's not right in any way. Get Dad, Gran, Aunties in to help and if that's not an option, hire someone or ask if there are any charities in the area that can help. Here we have one called Home Start where a regular volunteer comes around a couple of times a week for a couple of hours and will help with anything from going to the doctors with you, to helping with the cleaning. That said, my Mum would just say 'suck it up'

Bonnie - posted on 07/22/2011

My opinion is, there is nothing wrong with occasional babysitting, but not something to expect every time.

Jane - posted on 07/21/2011

Family needs to work together, so older siblings should help by watching younger ones. However, it goes both ways. Parents need to let their kids do activities with other kids their own age so they can develop social skills.

If this mom has enough money to keep having kids, then surely she has enough money to hire a "mother's helper" on those weekends when her daughter has something she wants to do. As to putting the foster child to work, that is only acceptable if the foster child and the teen daughter are required to do the same things.

Stifler's - posted on 07/21/2011

If they can't go away for the weekend because you can't cope then you're relying on them way too much. And if you can't cope for 2 days without them you have no business having any more kids. They are kids and while kids should help out they didn't choose to have kids yet!!

Shannen - posted on 07/21/2011

I always swore that when i had children I and only I would be the one to look after them ( as in not having the other kids help out) When my second was born i couldn't stop my daughter from helping, she loves it.

When my ex was still here i avoided her helping by just not asking if she offered that was different. Now though i ask more of her then i like but chasing 3 kids around while trying to do a million other things knowing i wont be getting a break anytime soon makes it hard not to ask.

I would Never stop her from going away she is still a child and i'm still their mother. She deserves a childhood and i wont ever take that from her.

Jodi - posted on 07/21/2011

My older ones help out with the younger ones sometimes. I don't expect it all the time. But my now 19 year old has baby sat many times for us. She wasn't *paid* as such, but we DID contribute money to her first car as a *gift* because of how much she has done for us. My 14 year old occasionally keeps an eye on his younger sister if I have to duck off to grab things at the shops, etc.



With respect to chores, all my children have chores, the older ones tend to have more than the younger ones, that's just common sense. Heck, my almost 14 year old cooked us roast dinner the other night.



I do give my kids an allowance, but that is more an amount of money they receive that they must budget for their activities. My son loves to go to the movies with his friends, for instance, and he has to pay for it himself and manage his own money. He will be getting a job this summer (just an occasional one - we have room in our business to employ him), so that will make a difference for him, and start to teach him to budget and save.



Having said that, I would NEVER restrict them going away for a weekend because I couldn't do without them. That's just selfish. It's not their job to *raise* their siblings. There is a big difference between helping out and being fully responsible. Teenagers deserve to have their own life too.

Rosie - posted on 07/21/2011

i think all kids should help out, whether it be chores or babysitting younger siblings. however when that starts to interfere with them having their own life, or the mother simply cannot do it without them, i question the reasons why so many children were had and why the parents can't find a way for their children to be children.

Sal - posted on 07/21/2011

i faced a problem a few years ago, i had a big dr appointment (for the delicate lady parts) and a 6month old and a 2 year old, my husband couldn;t come and i couldn;t takw the babies in with me, i was left with no choice but to take my son out of school and he watched them at the drs while i was in the surgury, i vowed to not be in that situation again, and they were booked in to daycare 1 day a week afer that, so that i always had one day a week for such events (i had a few more appointments lined up) so while i think that one day as an oddity it is ok as a on going way to manage the problem it isn't ok at all....at that time i also decided that with 2 so close together living as remote as i was and my husbands rediculous work load i couldn't cope with another baby....see made a grown up decision even though i think i might of liked another it just wasn't a sensible plan

Lady Heather - posted on 07/21/2011

All kids should be expected to "help out" around the home. Nothing wrong with making one of their "chores" helping with a younger sibling. But it shouldn't be so much that they are essentially acting as another parent and I don't think I would ever get myself into a situation where I NEEDED my teen to help me look after my other kids at all times. Teens need to have their own lives and a weekend away shouldn't mean the downfall of the household.

Amie - posted on 07/21/2011

Oh, I also came from a largish family. I have 3 siblings, I am the oldest.

I did babysit (which included diaper changes, bottle feeds, toddler feeds, etc), I did cook meals, I did clean, etc. I did everything my parents did. It wasn't a demand, it just was.

We all, in each of our family households, are expected to help out with each other. That means chores for the kids and the parents. Granted, the parents always do more than the kids.

My parents could cope without me, they did so many times. They paid me to babysit when I told them I would do it for them all the time so they could save a bit more money. I also turned around and handed them back all that money 6 months later so they could go on a holiday. I was 16, babysitting for them, working a job, going to school and still had a social life. I learned how to balance everything in life young. Not because I was expected to but because I was taught how too. It just is.

Amie - posted on 07/21/2011

Wow. Our oldest (11 yrs) helps out a lot but so do my other kids. They have chores and our oldest has watched our younger ones (not all 3 at the same time) for us before.

However, I can cope without her. We do her chores when she's away, except her room - that gets closed up like anyone else's room when they're not here. She's at camp right now. She's been gone since Sunday and won't be back until Saturday.

It's not about me. It's about her, this is her childhood and she deserves to have fun. So she has her activities, friends, camp, etc. We notice when she's gone but it's not because we're missing her doing chores or anything - we notice she's gone because she's our child and we miss her. I can't imagine not letting one of my kids go somewhere because I needed them at home.

It's not their responsibility to manage the home, it's mine and my husbands. If we couldn't handle it, we wouldn't have had so many kids.

Chores are different to dependency, I feel bad for this ladies kid. =(

Julianne - posted on 07/21/2011

I dont see a problem with a teen occasionally watching a younger sibling. IF they want to and IF its not going to hinder their social life. I was forced to watch my siblings every day after school for hours while my mom worked the bar, i had to get up with them and get them ready for school, walk them there because she always stayed after hours to drink. So i basically raised my siblings....that is unfit.

Rebecca - posted on 07/21/2011

My brother is 13 years younger than me. I have mixed feelings about this subject.

My mother had very bad PPD after my baby brother was born and went back to work very early as, I think, a way to cope, or get away from the baby. At the time, I did not know this...I just knew that my new baby brother was left at daycare or at home for my father to care for. I took over a lot. He was like my foster kid sometimes, in the beginning. My mother got better and got closer to him, but there was a bond there that never really faded.

I am the only girl and my other brothers were never expected to babysit. I was always the main babysitter, but I saw it more as my responsibility than a chore.

I must say, it certainly was an excellent lesson in why using birth control is so important. I never had a romantic idea of what having a baby meant as a teen or early twenty year old.

When I got pregnant in my thirties, I was freaked out about becoming a mother. I really didn't think I could handle it...probably because I remember being so scared about handling an infant when I was 13. However, my baby brother, who was an adult by then, called me and told me that he knew I was going to be a good mother because, I already had been...with him. It made me feel a whole lot better.

So, it is a mixed bag. It teaches you the weight of responsibility of having a child, but when too much of that responsibility is put on one teen, it can be hard.

My advice is to spread it out, don't just leave it to the girl of the large family...get a babysitter now and then. Speak to your teen and make sure it is not getting too overwhelming. If you start to notice that your teen is spending more time than you caring for your infant, it might be time to change some things.

Teresa - posted on 07/21/2011

Well.... my son has three 'mothers' since the girls were 6 when he was born. I do not force or even totally expect them to do it... other than 'brother duty' (what we call it) when I take a 10ish minute shower. Now that he's older, he CAN come into the bathroom while I'm in there.... and frequently showers w/ me, but if I jump in the shower while he's finishing dinner... they make sure he gets wiped up and stuff.

I will say that they are a GREAT help at most times. He likes it when they are the ones to help him brush his teeth and get ready for bed. Not like I CAN'T do it cuz I have many, many times when they are not home, but he prefers them to help him.... and they love their little brother. :)

As for paid babysitting.... it hasn't come up yet since I won't even leave THEM alone. I'm sure there will be times I pay them to keep an eye on him and times I don't. I actually HAVE paid them to take him downstairs to play w/ them at times.... they've also done it for free a ton.

I didn't have him planning on them helping out so much, but I became a single mom when he was born so it's happened. They do need their time and space (and I try to make sure they get it), but they adore him and he adores them.

Sherri - posted on 07/21/2011

I have a 15, 12, 5yr old and one on the way. Here is my view. I NEVER ask them to take care of younger siblings. I feel me and their father decided to have more kids not them. It is in no way fair to make them built in babysitters, make them miss being kids themselves because they have younger siblings. I have never and will never do that to them.

Amber - posted on 07/21/2011

I always felt bad for my friends that had young siblings. Several of them were not allowed to do very many things that the rest of us could. While we were going to the movies, skating rink, school dances, and having sleep overs; they were changing diapers, helping potty train, reading bedtime stories, and checking homework.

It really upset me when one of my best friends had to cancel her "date" to the 8th grade dance because her parents bought tickets to a play and she had to baby sit.

There is a difference between having them help you by grabbing a diaper or righting a fallen child and making them responsible for the daily care. There is also a difference between requiring it and them giving their help freely.

I want all of my children to have time to just be kids. They can be parents when they grow up....if they want.

Ashley=) - posted on 07/21/2011

Look i don't see how my post is funny at all lol i could of picked a better word than ashamed tho....i would not be having kids for to make a babysitter out of any of them.I tend and will tend to have as many kids as i can take care of 100% myself.

I see how one teenage girl is practically the mother to her younger siblings.There is 9 in the family.Yes i said 9.

Her childhood and teenage ages have always been caring for her siblings while the parents did what ever.I personally don't think its okay.

Now and again of course its perfectly fine.Helping dress etc now and again of course thats cool.I have seen parents take the biscuit.That poor girl i speak of hates the responsibility as its wearing her out.All day everyday.No kid wants that.



Tara i agree 100% BALANCE is the key.

Tara - posted on 07/21/2011

Large families often operate a little differently than average sized ones.

Now granted, all large families I know are also homeschooling families, which does make a difference.

In these families, mine included, the older sibs are expected to help with the younger ones. But generally, for my family anyways, this means helping their siblings, not helping me to manage the kids.
They are not expected to do things like diaper changes, nap times, feedings (unless they *want* to spoon feed the toddler) etc.
They are expected to pick someone up who is hurt or upset and I can't get to at that moment. They are expected to help their younger sibs read, count, do other things they already know how to do themselves. They are also expected to help around the house, not cause just cause I tell them to, but because they live here and they make a helluva a mess while doing so.
We share a lot of responsibilities in the house, some of them have to do with the care of younger sibs, some with the schooling of younger sibs, some with helping around the house and yard.

When I was pregnant last time around, my oldest daughter did a lot more than the call of duty asked of her. She willingly read stories to her youngest sister at night cause I often fell to sleep before them, she willingly helped make dinner and lunches, she willingly laid down with her sister in the night if she wanted someone to cuddle with after a bad dream and I couldn't stay in her little bed cause of my sciatica and her wonky bed.

When they babe was born, same daughter willingly held him any chance she could so that I could get back to a more normal routine with the other kids, she willingly bathed him and dressed him. She rocked him and soothed him. But being pregnant is different so maybe this mom is having a really hard time with the pregnancy and will return to normal once the bub is born? Maybe she is simply using her older kids right now cause she is too tired, too exhausted, too anemic, ???? to do otherwise???

I have known parents and families where the older sibs were directly responsible for the younger ones, in too many ways. Where the older ones had few freedoms because of the demands of homelife. This is not the case with me, we are a family so everyone helps out.

We are a cohesive unit, and everyone has an integral role to play in the workings of our machine. They all know that when one person slacks and doesn't do their job, everyone will suffer in some way.

Having a large family does not automatically provide you with built in, live in care givers for your other children.
But it can be helpful if your kids are aware of the inner workings of the machine that is your home/life.
It's smooth around here, no real bickering at all. Everyone helps those that need help. The same way they were all helped when they were small.

Like everything in life and parenting, it's about balance.
And I"m a triple beam scale... lololol

Mary - posted on 07/21/2011

I think it would be interesting to hear from some of our members that do have larger families.

I have no personal experience with this; I only had one sister, and my child is an only. However, I do have a good friend who is the oldest of 10. We were freshman in college when her youngest sibling was born. Now, she did have a fair amount of responsibility when it came to helping out with her younger siblings, but it wasn't as if she was constantly forbidden from doing normal teen-aged stuff due to being needed at home. She still played sports, went out on weekends, and she did go away to college. However, her home life was radically different than mine. Time that I would spend talking on the phone, reading a book, or just lazing around, she was changing diapers, giving baths, or playing with legos. At least for her, she was not alone in these responsibilities, since she had siblings that were 2, 3, and 4 years younger than her, and these jobs were shared and divided. I do know that she was hellbent on going away to college. She loved her family, and missed her siblings, but she totally enjoyed being free of any childcare responsibilities for the first time since she was old enough to help out.

I do find it interesting that, at 40, she is both single and childless - by choice. She's had several long-term relationships over the years, but has ended all of them when the boyfriend started talking marriage or kids. She loves kids, and is a great aunt to the the children of her friends and siblings, but she has absolutely no interest in having to care daily for anything more than a small dog.

Ashley=) - posted on 07/21/2011

I have two girl 2 and 6.I have never relied on anyone other than there dad to watch over them if i was going out.My first was away from me for the first time when she was 4.I was in having my second lol.

I see so many not able to cope but i feel many of them just want there time.I lost a lot of me time when i had my kids gladly lost it.

When my oldest is older lol..she won't be the babysitter..she can help but 100% the younger one and her are my responsibility.

I am all for once in a while or if the mom/dad can not cope.For valid reason.If i were that mother i would be ashamed.You can't stop a teen from living there life to make yours easier.Esp if its happen a lot.