Shouting is the new spanking....

Katherine - posted on 04/30/2011 ( 91 moms have responded )

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JACKIE KLEIN is a devoted mother of two little boys in the suburbs of Portland, Ore. She spends hours ferrying them to soccer and Cub Scouts. She reads child-development books. She can emulate one of those pitch-perfect calm maternal tones to warn, “You’re making bad choices” when, say, someone doesn’t want to brush his teeth.
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LOWERING THE BOOM Some frustrated parents resort to yelling and screaming followed by feelings of guilt.
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That is 90 percent of the time. Then there is the other 10 percent, when, she admits, “I have become totally frustrated and lost control of myself.”

It can happen during weeks and weeks and weeks of no camp in the summer, or at the end of a long day at home — just as adult peace is within her grasp — when the 7- or 9-year-old won’t go to sleep.

And then she yells.

“This is ridiculous! I’ve been doing things all day for you!”

Many in today’s pregnancy-flaunting, soccer-cheering, organic-snack-proffering generation of parents would never spank their children. We congratulate our toddlers for blowing their nose (“Good job!”), we friend our teenagers (literally and virtually), we spend hours teaching our elementary-school offspring how to understand their feelings. But, incongruously and with regularity, this is a generation that yells.

“I’ve worked with thousands of parents and I can tell you, without question, that screaming is the new spanking,” said Amy McCready, the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, which teaches parenting skills in classes, individual coaching sessions and an online course. “This is so the issue right now. As parents understand that it’s not socially acceptable to spank children, they are at a loss for what they can do. They resort to reminding, nagging, timeout, counting 1-2-3 and quickly realize that those strategies don’t work to change behavior. In the absence of tools that really work, they feel frustrated and angry and raise their voice. They feel guilty afterward, and the whole cycle begins again.”

Amy Wilson, a writer and actress in Manhattan, used to give up shopping for Lent. That was before she had children, now ages 6, 5 and 2. This year she gave up yelling. Or tried to. “It didn’t really work,” she said, “but I definitely yelled less.”

Ms. Wilson has written a humorous autobiographical book about parenting, to be published next year, called “When Did I Get Like This?” An entire chapter is devoted to her personal efforts to curtail her yelling.

A ONE-WOMAN show, “Mother Load,” which she wrote and performed Off Broadway and will take on tour for the second time next year, opens with a yelling scene that draws laughs and includes the line “I have had it with looking for puppy” in a high-decibel lament that rings true to anyone who has searched for a favorite stuffed animal for the seventh time in a day.

Familial screamers have long been a beloved part of American pop culture, from the Costanzas of “Seinfeld” back to the Goldbergs of radio and early television, but they didn’t yell at small children. And though previous generations of parents may have yelled in real life — Dr. Spock called shouting “inevitable from time to time” — this generation of parents seems to be uniquely troubled by their own outbursts.

“My name is Francesca Castagnoli and I am a screamer,” began a post on Motherblogger.net earlier this year. “Admitting I’m a mom that screams, shouts and loses it in front her kids feels like I’m revealing a dark family secret.”

“It’s not kind,” said Ms. Klein in Oregon. “When I’m done I feel awful.”

To research their book “Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids,” the three authors, Devra Renner, Aviva Pflock and Julie Bort, commissioned a survey of 1,300 parents across the country to determine sources of parental guilt. Two-thirds of respondents named yelling — not working or spanking or missing a school event — as their biggest guilt inducer.

“What blew us away about that is that the one thing you really have ultimate control over is the tone of your voice,” said Ms. Pflock, a child development specialist.

Parental yelling today may be partly a releasing of stress for multitasking, overachieving adults, parenting experts say.

“Yelling is done when parents feel irritable and anxious,” said Harold S. Koplewicz, the founder of the New York University Child Study Center. “It can be as simple as ‘I’m overwhelmed, I’m running late for work, I had a fight with my wife, I have a project due — and my son left his homework upstairs.’ ”

Numerous studies exist on the effect of corporal punishment on children. A new one came out just last month. Led by a researcher at Duke University’s Center for Child and Family Policy, the study concluded that spanking children when they are very young (1-year-old) can slow their intellectual development and lead to aggressive behavior as they grow older. But there is far less data on the more common habit of shouting and screaming in families.

One study that did take a look at the topic — a paper on the “psychological aggression by American parents” published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2003 — found that parental yelling was a near-universal occurrence. Of 991 families interviewed, in 88 percent of them a parent acknowledged shouting, screaming or yelling at the kids at least once (though it didn’t specify how many did it more often) in the previous year.

“We are so accustomed to this that we just think parents get carried away and that it’s not harmful,” said one of the study’s lead authors, Murray A. Straus, a sociologist who is a director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire. “But it affects a child. If someone yelled at you at work, you’d find that pretty jarring. We don’t apply that standard to children.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/22/fashio...

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Krista - posted on 04/30/2011

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I think, like all things, there is a pretty broad range of behaviour in this.

A parent who shrieks invective and insults at her kid? Obviously not acceptable.

A parent whose kid is being willfully defiant, and who finally yells, "I SAID STOP! JUMPING! ON THE! COUCH!!!!"? Meh -- I honestly don't think our kids' psyches are that fragile that the odd parental bellow is going to wound them beyond repair.

I don't raise my voice often, but if he's doing something like throwing food, the odd "HEY!!!" (not a shriek or a scream, but yes, about three notches louder than my usual speaking voice) will stop him in his tracks, so that I can then calmly say, "We don't throw food."

Jenni - posted on 05/03/2011

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If my 12 year old threw something at my head. I would first question: Why does my 12 year old believe it's ok to act violently towards another person? What have I done to teach him/not teach him that violence is ok? Then I would ask him once he has calmed down why he felt the need to throw something at me? What did it accomplish? Why would he feel the need to hurt me to get his point across?

Basically, we would both have to do a lot of soul searching to find out how we reached that point and how we could solve the root of the problem. My husband and I would discuss the matter and arrive at an appropriate punishment for him. Maybe writting me an apology letter on why is behaviour was inappropriate, how it made me feel, how it made him feel, how he can handle his frustration/anger in the future in a more appropriate manner.

Tara - posted on 05/02/2011

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Davina,
a 14 year old child should not need nor should he be receiving spankings.
In Canada that would b illegal.
He is only 4 years away from being able to serve his country and vote and you are still spanking him?
Regardless of why he threw a bottle of soda at you, it does show a lack of respect. It also shows that he doesn't care if you beat his ass when he's bad, he still thinks he can throw soda bottles at you. And at 14, that's not a healthy way to express emotions or to show displeasure with another person. That is an act of aggression perpetrated by acts of aggression toward him. You have taught him that physical punishment is the way to behave when someone does something you don't like.
You have taught him that he can be disrespectful, he's just going to get an ass beating if he is, which clearly he is willing to do.
And yes, I have most of it figured out. My oldest child will be 18 this summer, my youngest is 18 months or so, and I have never had to lay a hand on any of them, nor do I need to raise my voice, make threats or scream at them.
They are treated as I wish to be treated, they are taught that this is the best way to be a good person. And they are shown on a day to day basis the appropriate ways to react in society. Especially when it comes to dealing with others.
I want my children to make wise choices because I have given them the tools to do so, I don't want my children to lack the skills necessary to get along in a non-violent society.
The idea that physical punishment is necessary for children to be respectful, kind and obedient people is wrong and archaic. And for the record is illegal in many countries.
Again,
With regards to hitting/smacking etc.
Dogs? No
Adults? No
Mentally Disabled? No
The Elderly? No
Physically disabled? No
Babies, toddlers, children and apparently teens? Yes.
Why?
Why is this condoned when all the above cases of hitting and physical punishment are looked down and even legislated against?
Hmm... would you hit your disabled 30 year old child if they had the mental capabilities of a 5 year old?

Tara - posted on 05/02/2011

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Davina, if your 14 year old threw a bottle of soda at you, he doesn't respect you, and he will respect you even less now that you have beaten his ass.

I think right there sums up a lot of the problems with corporal punishment, you likely spanked him as a child when he did wrong, doesn't look like it assisted you in having a son who is respectful of you and your rules, nor did it teach him to fear you, otherwise he may not have thrown the bottle. However you have not seemed to accomplish the task of having your children mind you and respect you.

I would think if this kind of discipline worked, by 14 your son wouldn't be of the mind set to think he could throw a bottle of soda at his mother.

I have never spanked one of my 6 kids, I have a 15 year old son, he would never throw anything at me, and doesn't raise his voice at me. Why not? Because he respects me. Why? Because I have always respected him. And because he trusts me, he believes that I am always acting in his best interest. And he knows that I am on his side.

Doesn't seem like your method works all that well.

Krista - posted on 04/30/2011

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Funny story: I was in my early 20's and visiting my sister and my two nephews, who would have been about 6 and 8 at the time.

They had made a colossal mess of the basement playroom, and so my sister told them that they had to put all of their toys away before supper.

She goes down 20 minutes later, and the two of them are just sitting there, complaining about having to clean. So she tells them again and goes back upstairs.

10 minutes later, she peeks back down and sees that still, nothing is done. She looked at me and said, "You want to?" I said, "Sure."

So I went downstairs and I bellowed like nobody has ever bellowed. I think they heard me roar three blocks away.

"RYAN AND MATTHEW! YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU TO PICK UP YOUR TOYS!!! Now, you have TEN MINUTES to pick up your toys. And when I come back downstairs, if these toys are NOT put away, you are NOT going to enjoy what happens next!!!"

So I went upstairs, where my sister had collapsed with the giggles, and we waited. 10 minutes later, I opened the basement door, only to hear a panicked, "No! Don't come down yet! We're not done!" So I said, "FIVE more minutes!"

I went down 5 minutes later and the room was impeccable. They'd even picked the crumbs off of the rug!

Shouting at your kids is kind of like wearing fancy lingerie for your husband. If you do it all the time, they eventually stop really noticing or caring. But if you use it judiciously, then when you DO notice....well, some shit gets done, doesn't it? ;)

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Jenni - posted on 05/03/2011

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Oh, we can't read the rest of your new name Davina.... awww shucks! I bet it's something real mature and original like "My name is Jennifer the Self-Righteous".
Ok I'm walking away now. Wow! I think this is the very first time I've ever actually had to do that in my 2 years on COM.

Jenni - posted on 05/03/2011

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oh and btw... you're the one using personal attacks not me. I can understand how this is a touchy subject for you and there may be a fine line between attacking the argument and attacking the person. But you have crossed that line on a few occasions. This thread has been completely derailed and I think I've made my points clear enough. So as the old saying goes... I think I'm going to stop beating a dead horse.
Good day, Davina.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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no you need to be kind that is how you would like me to treat you right? the debate was about yelling being the new spanking and back to that... Words stick forever but my spanking him was over in a short time so i choose to spank not that i don't yell sometimes but would rather my child cry because i spanked them not because i yell at them! It is obvious that we will never be able to debate shit because you take one phrase and make it what you want it to be so goodbye jennifer i done with you and your bullshit opnion!

Jenni - posted on 05/03/2011

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I am well aware there are parents out there who spank with belts. I am well aware that there are plenty of parents who abuse their children.
If there weren't there wouldn't be so many children in foster care.

I parent based on love, understanding, respect, learned experience, knowledge, common sense, human decency and modelling positive behaviour. I treat my children how I expect to be treated; with fairness, love, guidance and understanding not because I read it in a book... because I feel that is the right way to live.

I do not blindly follow books..... I think you might want to listen to your own advice on this one.

I have never attacked you. It is a debate. I am attacking your argument. I'm pretty sure us 3 women are not the only ones who have argued your logic in debates with you. Infact; I personally stayed far away from your original religious debate that became heated. If you cannot handle having certain opinions debated then it's probably best you don't state them. Be under no illusion that you are in a forum where your views and opinions will be up for extreme scruitiny. You have to develop a thick skin for this sort of forum.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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Keep useing that as an excuse cause it makes it right in your mind. I did stop the cycle and am glad that my children don't face that! Just word of advise.... judge not least ye judge thyself!!!! Putting me in the same class as someone who sexually abuses their child is appauling and your jucgement of me is hurtful! I took the situation at hand and dealt with it so once again I ask Jennifer "The rightous one" what she would have done?

Jenni - posted on 05/03/2011

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No more small minded than someone who believes he does exist without the possibility that he doesn't.



When someone says they beat their child's ass with a belt. I cannot help but judge. The same way I couldn't help but judge your step father for beating the shit out of you. The same way I couldn't help but judge a parent or authority figure who sexually abuses their child. I can't help but judge people who are harming others. If that makes me an evil person, so be it.



Why not stop the cycle of abuse, today? I did. If that makes me righteous... so be it. I just refuse to continue the cycle of abuse and subject my children to feelings of resentment, shame, disgust, disrespect, belittlement, etc. and if I see or hear of anyone crossing those lines I will speak my mind and I will step in for the sake of that innoncent child. I could have only been so lucky that someone would have done the same for me when I was a child.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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To all who think I am the only one who spanks with a belt need to crawl out from under that rock and wake up! How many of you are parenting out of books? There is a doctor that claims that you should place your child in a dark room close the door and let them cry till they go to sleep, This is far more abusive than spanking and to those who have done it you are as guilty as the next! This is ridiclous everytime i get on this website you 3 particular women attack me and it's childish someone should have taught you kindness and thank you for allowing me to take up the precious time god has given you.!!!!

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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It funny that you are so small minded that you actually KNOW God doesn't exist! Guess that gives you the right to judge. I will pray for you also! and to jennifer I am glad you have come to the conclusion that my family is suffering abuse. where were people like you when my step father was beating the shit out of me. sleep on your rightous pillow tonight peacefully cause god is watching and he is my judge!!!!

Tara - posted on 05/03/2011

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Yes, hitting your child with anything, whether it is a flip flop or plastic spoon or belt or a stick or a rod, or a willow switch etc. hitting your child with an object with the intent of controlling them or punishing them is demeaning and humiliating and abusive. It is not only physical abuse but imo it is also emotional abuse.
And you think this behaviour builds trust? And if you using spanking or hitting infrequently as you said, why the objects? Why the need to use anything? Why do you need to hit them?
What is the need? Or rather what is your fear if you were to not hit them as a way to control them.
Control is a big issue for spankers, letting go of that control is like letting go of an addiction.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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Squeal like a pig for me anyone!! So tell me is useing flip flop, or plastic spoon child abuse also!

Nikkole - posted on 05/03/2011

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And i LOVE the fact it's MY fault my mother hit me! NO ONE SHOULD BE HIT plain and simple, it is disrespectful and ignorant to hit anyone let alone an innocent child, you can have a respectful, loving, mature child and not spank!

Nikkole - posted on 05/03/2011

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I didn't call you a liar i said i doubt parents don't spank out of frustration or it's hard to believe can someone not spank out of anger i guess its possible but not common! And I WILL NOT let my mom hitting me go i was not running the streets as you say i went a mile down the road from my house which we live in the country so not much trouble we could get into. I was a very responsible teen and my mom hit me whenever she got mad at me i wasn't even allowed to go to a friends house or have friends over or even ride my bike outside till i was 16/17 (by myself)!! My mom was VERY STRICT! And i will NEVER be like that to my children i was never disrespectful to my mother i was afraid of her and i still am and i think it has to do with my childhood and it's hard to just GET OVER. And like i said hitting with an object like a belt is abuse and im sure your son will have some negative thoughts against it when he gets older!

Tara - posted on 05/03/2011

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Why the belt? Is it because it hurts more? Or because you don't want your hand being the thing that causes the pain (even though the laws of physics it is your hand creating the motion).
Does your son understand how it pained you to smack him with a belt? Does he understand that you really don't like to beat him, but that you must, and even more that you think your religion commands you to hit him, lest he be spoiled?
Were you beaten as child? Does your husband also hand out physical punishments or just you? Would you son ever throw a bottle of soda at his father? His aunt? His teacher?
I can't agree with you, and I can't agree to disagree. What you are describing is a violation of a young person's rights.
There is no other place in society where society condones aggressive and purposely pain to other members of society. Except in families. Except when it comes to babies, toddlers and children. Then people sit back and say "to each their own" "whatever works for your family" etc.
I say that's not enough.
It isn't okay to hit child, smack a toddler, or pop a baby. It's not okay to beat a child of 12 or 14 on the ass with a belt. That last one borders on sadism to me. It's like some kind of scene from a bad movie, 12 year old boy bending over, pants down to receive a smack on the ass with a belt by a little woman with a fierce expression of self righteousness.
This is unacceptable in 2011. Stop using religion as a scape goat too. Think for yourself. Think about your children as people, as separate human beings.
Treat them as you would like to be treated and treat them as you would like them to treat others.
I'm done with this one, just sickens me to think of 12 year old boys being beat on the ass with a belt by their mothers.
Deliverance anyone?

Isobel - posted on 05/03/2011

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whew...I thought that knowing God doesn't exist would've done that by now...not beating my kids is the reason I'll burn...ok then.

Jenni - posted on 05/03/2011

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And I'm sorry your family has to be subjected to such abuse.
Funny, because I'm an athiest but I apparently follow the teachings of Jesus more than you, a believer does.
I find that incredibly sad.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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well then I'm sorry you are choosing to condemn your family to hell. I will pray for you!

Jenni - posted on 05/03/2011

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God makes mistakes? Jesus was sent to rectify them? Am I to understand that Jesus also was pacifist who would never condone physically harming another person? So if Jesus was sent to rectify God's mistakes than by that same token shouldn't you live by how Jesus lived?



Wasn't he suppose to be the example of how 'men' should live. Because clearly if God wrote the Bible and men started using it to justify all the crazy ass shit they were doing here on Earth... by sending his son he was saying: "Hey look my sons, don't do as I do... I'm God. Do as I say and here is an example (Jesus) for you of how I want you human beings to live."



That's my take on it... anyways. Not that I believe in a god. Especially not one that apparently wants me to beat my children with a rod.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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First off I don't appericate you calling me a liar Nikkole!!! I was perfectly calm when I spanked him and will do it again in a heartbeat if needed!! Now the fact that you were "hit" by your mother because you wanted to run the streets and she didn't let you is a crutch you need to let go of. Had you went by the rules she laid out you probably would not have been hit! I'm sure you had some fault in it. Parents should NEVER spank out of anger and by the way God was violent to his people in the old testement. What about the story of Pharoh and the plagues that God released onto Egypt and cotinued to release. Jesus was sent to rectifiy God's mistake.

Jenni - posted on 05/03/2011

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Somehow I doubt God condoned child abuse ie beating your children into submission with a rod.

Damn, where's Lisa when we need her.

The Bible has been so perverted through translations you can't possibly take it literally or even pretend you having an understanding of the meanings behind its teachings.

Also beating a child with a belt is considered ABUSE and is criminal in most countries and in most states in the US (if not all). Hitting a child with a belt is not spanking and I think most parents who believe in spanking would cry foul on using a tool to hit.

I don't mean to keep picking at Davina... but it's the fact that you said you beat your child's ass and then to find out you used a belt that stands out in my mind. If you were just administering spankings I would have said; fine do what you will or what you feel is best for your family.
Using a belt or other object crosses the line. If I knew of a parent using an object to harm their child, you better believe I'd be calling CAS (or in your country CPS).

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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By the way the bible states in the book of proverbs that if you beat your child with a rod you will spare their soul from hell!!! Don"t believe me... look it up.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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Just so you know I spank my dogs just as I do my children.... Hold on let me brace myself for this one!!! There are alot of ways to spoil a child and no spanking is not ALWAYS the way to go I believe the punishment must fit the crime and if a slap on the wrist is all that is needed then that they shall get! Look Raise your kids with love and respect and according to what your family believes and hope that all our children turn out to be better than we ever hoped! Peace!

Nikkole - posted on 05/03/2011

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Im sure the bible didn't mean to spank your child every time they misbehave to me its saying don't spoil your children which can mean letting them get away with things and buying them tons of things (and them being ungrateful and disrespectful ), thats what it means to me because Jesus/God were not violent so i don't get that whole its ok to spank your child because the bible says its ok thing. And the reason a lot of kids are messed up in today's society isn't because kids are not spanked now a days its MUCH more than that, lets see the divorce rate is skyrocketing,the violent video games/movies/tv shows parents let there 9yr old watch and play, Parents working to much to be involved in there children's life's,and parents who (Should NOT be parents)having children. I have spanked my child once or twice out of frustration and if you say you spank your children when you are calm i highly doubt that or its hard to believe anyone can calmly spank there child!

Quoting Davina
I simply picked up the belt and spanked him then explained to him why and that that kind of behavior would not be tolerated in our home.

REALLY you had to use a belt to get your point across I mean it's not good that you spank a pre teen but to use a an object to me that IS child abuse any parent should NOT use ANY Objects to spank/smack/hit/beat a child.

When i was younger my mom would hit us with whatever she could grab i was once hit with a shoe in the back of the head because she was pregnant and couldn't catch me when i ran away, When i was 15 i went to visit my now husband and a few friends 3 blocks away (i had my girlfriend with me) we got into a car with them and went to see a house my husband's mom wanted to buy it was a mile or two down the road my mom found out and when we got back to his house she walked down and yelled at me in front of everyone and smacked me in the back of the head ALL the way back home!! Spanking a pre teen or teen is ABUSE and its pointless no matter what they do and i don't care if crap happens a 12 year old should never throw anything at there mother if your child respects you!

Isobel - posted on 05/03/2011

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and why is it not ok to train a dog by hitting it?

surely you aren't saying that they ONLY way to avoid spoiling a child is by hitting them...cause my children are polite and humble and as far from "I'm owed it" as you can get and other than a tap on the wrist...they've never been hit.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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Because a adult oh why even waste my time on that question you are obviously a "no gray in world" person and we could argue this issue all day and i for one would rather not waste my time!

Jodi - posted on 05/03/2011

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"There is no comparison to a wife or husband gettig hit and teaching of a parent to a child."

Why is there no comparison?

Jodi - posted on 05/03/2011

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Ok, I'm glad you didn't say it came from the bible. Most people who quote it do, and my mistake, I assumed you might be one of them :P

I think we will have to agree to disagree on this one.... because apparently by some miracle, I have children are not spanked and don't feel they are owed anything......

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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@Jodi I never said it came from the bible and no it not an excuse it is true! Maybe if more parents spanked then we wouldn't be raising a generation of "I'm owed it" kids. I for one will continue to spank as I as their parent deems it necessary.You have the right to decide which works best for your family and I mine! But thanks for your time.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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Jennifer, in that moment that I spanked I never raised my voice, or acted aggressivly in any way ,I simply picked up the belt and spanked him then explained to him why and that that kind of behavior would not be tolerated in our home. I then gave him a hug and went on about my day. He is not a violent child to me or anyone as a matter of fact he is just the opposite and it pained me to spank him but he learned his lesson and I learned that he needed a postive way to express himself and have since discussed this with all of my children. There is no comparison to a wife or husband gettig hit and teaching of a parent to a child.

Jodi - posted on 05/03/2011

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There is that spare the rod spoil the child again. That is just SUCH a joke. Sorry, but it is an excuse, and not even from the Bible, so don't even go there.

Davina, my POINT is that spanking is not necessary, and even pointless for a teenager. You do not gain more respect through a spanking. You gain more respect by getting to the bottom of the issue. If your son is throwing something, there is an issue. There is a reason he is FEELING that way. Are you not better off trying to find out what the issue is. There are ways of doing this without condoning the behaviour.

Jenni - posted on 05/03/2011

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I was asking you question Davina. That's all. I was just asking you if he acted out violently to others or just you? I think you answered my question when you said it only happened one time. Just trying to get an understanding of the bigger picture.



I don't think anyone deserves to be hit. Especially children. Just my opinion. Would it be ok for a husband to hit a wife because she 'deserved' it? Why is it ok to hit children but not ok for an adult to hit another adult?

If my child acts aggressively to me the last thing I would want to do is act aggressively back, that's just condoning violence. I want to set an example for my kids to handle disputes diplomatically and with their words not with violence. But to each their own, I guess.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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Jodi, When I spank my children it is to teach them a lesson and I have never spanked out of my frustration! I guess I should have made that clear in the beginning and I am sorry if anyone assumed that I just go around spanking my kids! My frustration as a parent is not their fault, it is I that accepted the responsabilty of motherhood, they had no choice in the matter! It is also my resposabilty to teach them and sometimes a spanking is just what they need.Spare the rod spoil the child.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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@Jennifer ok who ever said my child was violent? I don't think 1 instance is enough for you or anyone else to form such a aggresive opnion of my child! Spank or don't it makes no shit to me! I am raising 3 very loving children and would have them no other way!!! My children have only been "spanked" a hand full of times and it was deserved each time.

Jodi - posted on 05/03/2011

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I don't believe I said that. I just said that spanking a 14 year old was pretty pointless. Let's be honest. If you decide to spank your 12 year old (I thought you said 14 but anyway) for throwing a bottle of soda, are you doing it because you are pissed at him, or to teach him a lesson, and really, if you stood back and thought about it, was it really the right choice?



Davina, we all make mistakes, and we all act out of frustration at times. I HAVE actually spanked my children a small handful of times, but I am certainly not proud of it, and I don't condone it. When I look back on it, I spanked out of MY frustration rather than because I felt it was the right punishment for that action. *IF* I had given myself the space to give it consideration, I would have chosen differently, so now, if I get myself in that situation, I will issue a time out.....and that is for BOTH of us. It gives me a chance to consider the consequence, and my child the chance to consider their behaviour.



I have not raised my hand to my children in a LONG time.....seriously, it isn't effective in the long term. I have learned that through experience.

America3437 - posted on 05/03/2011

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So let me see if I fully understand before I respond.... You are saying that because my then 12yr old threw a bottle of soda at me 1 time that he has some sort of supressed anger and is growing to be a distructive part of this fucked up world!! Is that it?

Mary Renee - posted on 05/03/2011

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I agree with a lot of other posters here that there are different types of yelling. Yelling at your children to do something they're supposed to do after repeatedly asking them or yelling at your children NOT to do something that is dangerous is not that bad if it isn't all the time. In these cases, you are yelling about actions.

I think what crosses the line is when the subject of the yelling is the CHILD, rather than the ACTION. I feel like that is really hurtful to the child and far more damaging and less effective. It doesn't help anyone to try to make your child feel bad or guilty or shame. But a deep firm "HEY - I said we are leaving." isn't going to hurt anybody.

Casey - posted on 05/02/2011

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Hahaha I have a crazy two year old son and I am feeling like I am always yelling at him but really it has little effect on him at all actually I am sure he just ignores me even more lol, I'm not a spanker but boy I have a good set of lungs and I know how to use them lol.
I agree with some of the other mums though that yelling abuse or foul language at a child is never good (but sometimes I can understand why this happens) but yelling "stop" or "cut it out" or "enough" isn't going to harm our kids for life and sometimes the stresses of being a parent can get a bit much and sometimes the lovely mummy routine just doesn't cut it and we have to have a roar to get our point across.

Katherine - posted on 05/02/2011

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I think that an ass beating is getting confused with a spanking.....sheesh, really?

Nikkole - posted on 05/02/2011

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My son is 3 and i have shouted or yelled at him a few times ESPECIALLY after repeating myself 10 times to NOT pick his baby sister up or to not get into the eggs lol i just say "JAYDEN YOU HAVE TILL THE COUNT OF THREE AND WHEN BY THREE YOUR IN THE CORNER" i usually get to two and he makes a mad dash to do the right thing lol

Joanna - posted on 05/02/2011

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I've yelled at my 3 1/2 year old a few times. Unfortunately I'm not a super patient person. So there've been a few times where I've yelled "PAIGE ELYSE GOOD, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!!" but never anything mean, or demeaning, to her.

I'm about ready to raise my voice now... She's rolling around screaming "I need to watch a show!!!" while I'm trying to get baby to sleep. Apparently applesauce is evil now, because I asked her to finish that first. *sigh*... can anyone give me patience lessons before I take up drinking?!

Nikkole - posted on 05/02/2011

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Yea spanking a teenager achieves nothing but taking out you frustration, i don't have teens yet but my mom spanked/slapped me till i was 17 and it did NOTHING but make me not like her and not respect her! If any kid throws something at there mother NO MATTER the circumstances that teen does not respect you no matter what you think!

Jodi - posted on 05/02/2011

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I must say, spanking or yelling at a 14 year old is pointless. It achieves absolutely nothing.

[deleted account]

@ Davina It's nothing to be proud to be able to smack your children under whatever circumstances.

Tara - posted on 05/02/2011

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Davina, I'm not quite sure how you got the impression that my children don't have the freedom to have emotions or the ability to not like me or my decisions. Our family runs like a democracy in a lot of ways, my kids talk to me about their lives, I talk to them, we discuss expectations for our family as a family, we talk about our disagreements and find solutions together. We do get irritated and frustrated trying to make our points sometimes, and yes my kids are allowed to roll their eyes, etc. and often I do the same, we use a lot of humour in our home as well. We are a group, a team and we are not above each other, we all make mistakes and we all have a voice in our home. The difference is I don't demand it, I don't punish with physical force and I don't tolerate any violence in our home, not a child to a child nor an adult to a child, nor an adult to an adult.
We are a very open, free thinking family. My kids are free range, homeschooled and very opinionated, and we respect that.
Just because I don't use physical punishment or screaming doesn't mean my kids are oppressed. Just the opposite. They feel completely trusting of our relationship.
I have worked with many many children, a lot within the group home/ foster child setting. Many of these kids had issues with throwing things at their parents, often only the mother, never the father. I don't think a child who throws objects at their mother is fine, regardless of the reason why or what happened preceding the throwing. 14 is old enough to understand that you simply can't get angry and throw things at people.

Tania - posted on 05/02/2011

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Hitting is child abuse and ignorance in regards to parenting your child.

I have never hit my kids either and why would you want the "choice" to hit your kids.

I am completely dumbfounded.

Jenni - posted on 05/02/2011

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Spanking isn't completely illegal in Canada but it is under the age of 2 years old and over the age of 12 years old.

I don't see how a child is fine if he is throwing objects at his parent.... but that's just my opinion, I guess.

Does he act violently towards others? Or just you?

America3437 - posted on 05/02/2011

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Tara,
If I choose to spank my 14 yr old then he deserves it! It's not like it happens on a regular basis( by the way)!Lack of respect is in every teenager but it's up to you to be your own judge on what that lack of respect is. I really appericate the session and expect to be recieving a bill soon. Being a parent is a blessing and I enjoy it greatly. I haved learned over the years and made ALOT of mistakes but I don't find ALL back talk disrespectful and welcome my children to express their selves. Face it children aren't always happy with the their parents and they may not disrespect you to your face but one of your children at some point have rolled thir eyes,slammed their doors,mummbled under their breath etc...! My children are comfortable doing that in front of me and facing the frustration head on! He plans on serving his country and after he's enlisted if the time ever comes that he needs his ass beat then by all means I would be all over it!Every one parents different and that is fine,I spank and yell and my children are perfectly fine.How you parent is up to you. If spanking is illegal in Canada then I am proud be an American and have that option!

America3437 - posted on 05/02/2011

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Tara,
If I choose to spank my 14 yr old then he deserves it! It's not like it happens on a regular basis( by the way)!Lack of respect is in every teenager but it's up to you to be your own judge on what that lack of respect is. I really appericate the session and expect to be recieving a bill soon. Being a parent is a blessing and I enjoy it greatly. I haved learned over the years and made ALOT of mistakes but I don't find ALL back talk disrespectful and welcome my children to express their selves. Face it children aren't always happy with the their parents and they may not disrespect you to your face but one of your children at some point have rolled thir eyes,slammed their doors,mummbled under their breath etc...! My children are comfortable doing that in front of me and facing the frustration head on! He plans on serving his country and after he's enlisted if the time ever comes that he needs his ass beat then by all means I would be all over it!Every one parents different and that is fine,I spank and yell and my children are perfectly fine.How you parent is up to you. If spanking is illegal in Canada then I am proud be an American and have that option!

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