Step Parent Double Standard

Maree - posted on 02/13/2012

I think so too Sally. I doubt it would happen that often that the child just starts calling the step parent "mum" or "dad" out of nowhere !!!! Most of the time it is probably encouraged by one of the parents/step parents.



I have an issue when some of the people on here are saying that if the child is "comfortable" calling their step parent "mum" or "dad" then they should be able to do it and that everyone including the bio parents should accept it and not be selfish....but i am wondering why it is that they are apparently "UNCOMFORTABLE" calling them by their first name? No one has answered this yet and i asked it several pages ago. If it is simply that they WANT to call them mum or dad or maybe they are MORE comfortable then is it really that important...to the point of being called selfish for not allowing it? I don't think so !!!



I would think they would be comfortable either way as long as everyone in their life sees it as normal...why would they be upset or uncomfortable using a first name? And why is it necessary to use "mum" or "dad" for a step parent,at the expense of the bio parents feelings? Why are they then considered selfish? Why can't the child and step parent still have a meaningful relationship without having the title of "mum" or "dad"?



If a child is so adamant about using those titles for a step parent even after being assured that they are loved no matter what,then i would wonder if the child has some reason to believe that they NEED to call them mum or dad to be considered equal to the other bio kids or to try to please the step parent !!!



I don't know....I honestly don't think it is necessary if the child knows how loved they are by their step parents and i certainly don't think it is worth it if it is upsetting to the bio parents.

Wilmarie - posted on 02/13/2012

I say its fine for a child to call a step parent mmo or dad as long as it comes from the child. I find it inevitable and if you as the parent start telling that remember that it only creates betrayal issues within the child. Be mature about it, there are actually step parents out there that are worth the title ;). My girls currently dont call anyone mom or dad but the day they choose to do so, I think it will give me a sense of relief to hear it and know that they feel comfortable enough to have another female in their lives that is willing to help him raise them in the case that something were to happen to me and I cant take care of them any longer :)

Sally - posted on 02/13/2012

I really don't understand any of this. If the parents not involved fair enough but if they are an active part of the childs life, why not correct them gently when it 1st happens by saying something like thats sweet but you got a mum/dad lets pick a special name for me or sd/sm end off story. Everyones happy.

Maree - posted on 02/13/2012

Jodi,I am in that situation you just mentioned....where i have had a baby with my new husband so my SS and our daughter will both call him "dad"...obviously that will be totally fine with my SS.



I suppose it is possible that he could become jealous of the fact that my husband is with our daughter every day and only with him 2 days a fortnight but it has been like that for 8 years so i think he is fine with it....and anyway,we would love to see him more but as you know,his bio mum will not allow more visitation.



As for our daughter calling her father "dad"...well of course she will call him that and has as much right as SS does..he is dad to BOTH of them so if SS doesn't like that he will need to just get over it because that is ridiculous.



It is very different however,if MY son called him "dad". He is not his father,he has one already. I don't think SS would care anyway but if he did i would understand why that is.



That is why i said there are other people to consider. It is not all about ONE child....when you blend a family there are many people to consider and sometimes it is better for everyone to just keep the peace..thats how i feel anyway.



I am curious as to why it is totally ok to not breast feed because it "wasn't best for the family" but apparently it isn't ok to decide it is "best for the family" to only use "mum" or "dad" if it is actually the child's bio parent????

What's the difference???



I personally think it is best for EVERY child to be breast fed and for EVERY child to have a stay at home parent but it is only MY opinion....it DOES NOT make a working mum selfish or inconsiderate of her childs feelings so why am i apparently selfish to decide that my family can live in harmony if we do some things to keep my sons dad happy??? If he is happy he leaves us alone and life is stress free. If he is pissed off...everyone suffers,including his own child. There is no choice but to send my son over there so isn't it better that i try to keep things calm even if my son sometimes doesn't get what he wants???

Barb - posted on 02/13/2012

If my daughters bio father was around and married if he had another my daughter calling her mom I would have a problem. Step mom or first name I think is ok. I would have my husband called step dad or by his first name also. If she decided later on if they ended up being together for a long time she also wanted to call her mom and my husband dad I think that'd be ok. If they have a mom and dad already I don't think they should be calling the step parents mom and dad. My daughter only just started calling my husband dad a few months ago, because we haven't heard from her bio dad for over a year and she didn't know him cause he was never around. If he was I would never allow her to call him dad it's disrespectful.

Sally - posted on 02/13/2012

I agree but what about parents that have always been active. I have no problem if a waste of space,man or women bugger off. Then yes who is doing the caring deserves to be mum,dad. I just don't think its right if the parent is involved.

Becky - posted on 02/13/2012

Ok, I didn't read all the posts here, but here's my 2 cents.



In my situation, my older daughters dad is in prison. She knows him, she loves him, but he's been in & out of prison, jail and treatment programs her whole life. About 4 years ago, my relationship with a family friend changed into something more. Even before we started dating, she was looking to him to play the father role. The moment I noticed, me and him had a serious talk about what was happening and I checked his comfort level with that and made sure he understood the responsibility that came with the role. He was happy with the situation.



When we started dating, she called him Nick. When we moved in together she called him Nick or when referring to him, step dad. Which was fine for all of us. Some time over the last year & half, she slowly started referring to him as Dad. He LOVES it. She stopped explaining to people that Nick was not her real dad & her dad is in jail (which we have always told her she doesn't have to tell people).



Nick has been in her life daily for years now. He has always treated her like she's his own child . . . even when it comes to punishing her when she has misbehaved.



On the other side of the coin . . . I think I would be horrified if by chance her real father managed to stay out of prison long enough to meet someone and she started calling that woman Mom. Then again her father will have to jump though the hoops I've set up to have unsupervised visits with her. By the time he manages to clean up enough for me to trust him caring for her . . . she's going to be an adult. Hell she'll be 14 or 15 when he get's out this time.



In other situations where the child is spending quality time bonding with a responsible adult and starts using the Mom & Dad term for a person that is filling that role in the child's life . . . how is that wrong? As long as both the child and the adult are comfortable with the title, I think it's a sign of respect, love and trust. Now if the adult is not ready to carry the responsibility that comes with the title, that's a whole different issue.

Sally - posted on 02/13/2012

I can't really answer that but i think he would be ok because it would be his brother/sister and they would both have the same dad and he would have known them from birth. I think he feels his ss( same age ) is being greedy cos she has a father that she sees often, so why does she need his as well. His sb whos alittle older still calls him by first name. I just know that it has really hurt him

Jodi - posted on 02/13/2012

So Sally, how would he have felt if his dad and step-mother had a child too? Would he have felt that child calling his bio dad *dad* would have taken something away from him too?

Sally - posted on 02/12/2012

I have read all the posts for and against calling a step, mum or dad. I still wouldn't like it. I would like to put across my sons view on this. My sons ss calls his father dad ( her choice ) and my son hates it. He feels that its his right to call him dad and that something special,has been taken away from him. I will add that he gets on great with sm. I have tried to help him understand that in no way does this have anything to do with his relationship with bd. His 15 now but was 8 when he met sm. So these decisions do effect a wider group. I know that this is a bit of subject but wanted to show that children don't always understand how choices effect others around them.

Kelsey - posted on 02/12/2012

i have a stepmom i dont call her mom but ad for calling other women mom yes. i actually still call one of mi ex bfs mother"mom" and we havnt dated for almost 5 years. but i love her all the same. i really dont have a problem with it

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2012

Maree, my view is that in the ideal world, ALL parents should allow their children to call their step parents whatever they like. If they want to call them mum and dad, then that should be okay. I *get* that if a bio parent is making a fuss over it, then obviously, this just isn't going to happen. BUT, ultimately, bio parents should be more accepting of it in the first place. In reality, I do realise this isn't the case.



However, you have already said you would put your foot down about your child calling his step-mother mum, so you are one of those parents who would make a fuss over it, and my point is, that I don't believe this is okay. Obviously you DO think you have more rights to veto that decision than your child has to make it, so be it, that's your opinion. But that is exactly what my ex has done to my son, and I believe it is wrong, and can create a situation that makes the child feel it is WRONG to see that person as a parent-figure.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/12/2012

Maree, if my daughter one day decided she wanted to move in with her dad the first thing I'd do is check to make sure it wasn't April first. Because my daughter is already getting an idea that her father only contacts her to make himself feel less guilty.



Joking aside, I'd probably try to get to the root of the issue. Why does she not want to live with me and her stepdad anymore? She has tried to get me to let her go back to New York because she's homesick, but I told her that wasn't possible because my parents still work and my mom travels a lot for work. I'd try to figure out the reasons before I decided to say yes or no.



I know already I wouldn't have the support of my ex because he has from day one suggested that our daughter live with him because she would have more stuff. He'd jump at the chance to encourage the move because it would make me miserable.

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2012

I fail to see how it is best for everyone if a child is not allowed to call a step-parent mum or dad, sorry. What is hurtful to the child is if adults start to hark up and get all over-emotional at a name a child uses as a term of endearment for a parent. Honestly, it is more upsetting to the child if people make a fuss over it than if people just leave it be and let the child do what is most comfortable.

Maree - posted on 02/12/2012

Once again Megan...totally agree. Some choices should be made by the children.

But when it gets to the point of nastiness on the part of the bio dad because of it then i think it's best to let it go.It isn't worth it,i know that seeing what my son went through.

One last comment...what if a child who always lived with their mum,decided they were more "comfortable" at their dads....what then ???? Should you go help them pack their bags? or insist that they continue to live with you and expect the support of bio dad??

I would expect the support of bio dad...so when it came to the "dad"..step dad thing,i accepted bio dads feelings and moved on,in the hope that if necessary he will back me up if and when i need it....

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/12/2012

I feel odd calling one of my aunt's husbands 'uncle' because I was 22 when they were married. I believe that he understands that, but I try to say uncle Dave. Again culture and upbringing probably plays a roll. I have friends that DD calls aunt because of the closeness (and one friend who is an only child) and my mom has a friend whom I call aunt.



Sometimes I wonder if DD does call DH's parents grandma, granpa and grandad because she wants them to be happy. DD is 7 and I did ask her today and she does sometimes feel like they aren't her grandparents. I just told her that they do the same things 'mama and pop' (that's what DD calls my parents since my mom is opposed to grandma) does for her and it made things a little better. So they're like grandparents still.



The biggest reason I would wonder about DD calling her Step mom 'mom' is because during the entire divorce and custody she was trying to get DD from me to have as her daughter. If it weren't for that and they actually did have a real relationship, not something DD's step mom imagined, I'd have to get used to it or suggest maybe calling her 'mommy *name*.



You're right that sometimes somethings have to be done for the comfort of everyone. But I believe at certain ages children are capable of making a decision and being allowed to explain their reasoning.

Maree - posted on 02/12/2012

Megan i suppose if my mum did not want to be 'grandma' I'd have to accept it but i wouldn't like it at all. I think it sounds disrespectful and i prefer titles for all family members that are older. I prefer "uncle" and "aunt" and i teach my kids that,if they forget i remind them to say "auntie whatever"....when they are older they can decide not to do that but for now it's up to me. I'm sure my son would feel very comfortable calling his uncles by their first name but i don't like it. I don't believe it is selfish of me to insist on a title....it is not going to hurt them long term so i don't see the big deal in me expecting them to use the titles. I don't believe it is the childs decision...having said that,i don't believe it is my business what another person expects of THEIR child...i don't care what they do and i don't believe someone elses child is disrespectful for NOT using titles...i simply don't care as they should not care what i do with mine or to call me selfish for having rules and expectations of my children that they may not agree with or feel "comfortable " with...

Maree - posted on 02/12/2012

megan, I agree with the comment about wanting to know what was going on if DD wants to call step mum "mum". i would wonder as well. I guess it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong but simply that the child is very bonded with step mum to the point of wanting to call her mum...i still would not like it though.



I really don't think it is selfish to not accept something like that but that is just my opinion and my right to make those decisions, when i think that long term it is best FOR EVERYONE if my child does not call anyone else "mum" or "dad"

...

When i say...best for everyone...I mean,the whole family,not just one person.

Something like that can and does cause big problems sometimes. Yes,i admit it can be the selfishness of a particular individual or someone gets their feelings hurt...but still,if it doesn't work for someone (usually the bio dad) then i really think it should just be let go..



The child may be "comfortable" calling them dad...but why are they "uncomfortable" calling them by their name???



I doubt it would be such a big issue for them to use their first name...if it is very upsetting for the bio dad then i think it's best to just let it go and not continue to fight about it...that is hurtful to the child as well.

In situations like this where there are other people to consider...mum,dad,step mum,step dad,siblings,step siblings,half siblings etc...it is sometimes not possible to only focus on ONE child and their needs. there are other children and other issues so IMO it is something i am not willing to fight over especially if my child is ok with using the first name and does not seem particularly worried...if he was,i would be worried that something else was going on....why would he be soooooo set on saying "dad"...they can still have a close bond whilst using a first name can't they???

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/12/2012

I don't know if this is on topic or not, but my mom doesn't ever want to be called grandma. The closest we've gotten is mama which is also what I call her mom.



My FIL has asked to be grandad since his BIL is granpa and with a bunch of kids yelling grandpa it gets confusing. Older DD is calling him Granpa Dan though because grandad doesn't feel right. She hasn't considered calling DH's parents by just their first names and even my MIL's boyfriend is grandpa even if DH is still Lee.



I will admit that if DD wanted to call her step mom mom or mommy I'd be upset and want to know what was going on. Thankfully I don't have to worry since we don't even share a country and they don't call here.

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2012

I am all for a child making some of their own choices in life from a young age, providing it isn't harmful to them. In this instance, there is absolutely nothing harmful in calling a step parent mum or dad, except to the ego of the biological parent. I do understand how much that can hurt, my husband went through it. But he never, not once, EVER interfered with what his kids chose to call their step-fathers, and these days, he could care less. He is just thankful that those children had step fathers that they loved so much that they wanted to call them dad. That's a much healthier perspective.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/12/2012

So Maree, your wants outweigh your child's? What if grandma is fine with being Betty instead of Granma? Shouldn't that be between grandma and grandchild instead of having to go through you?



And yes to a point as long as it's not physically harmful and they know what they're doing a child should be allowed to have some say in what they want in life. It's selfish to say that only your choices matter.

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2012

I think calling parents or grandparents by their first names is a different issue, actually. A child rarely feels the need to do that, and if they do, it is generally because they are estranged or don't know them very well, or are making some selfish or bratty stand.



Calling step parents a term of endearment, such as mum or dad, is generally because the child identifies that person with that role in some way and cares about them enough, or in a way, that they wish to do so.



Two totally different debates IMO.

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2012

I can understand feeling upset by it, I would too. But I do question whether it is our right to STOP it or make our child feel guilty for feeling in such a way that they would LIKE to call this person a name that means something to them simply because we are feeling hurt.



What you are suggesting about your son not being allowed to call his stepmother *mum* is exactly the situation my son was put in by his father in not being allowed to call his step-father *dad*.

Maree - posted on 02/12/2012

and like i said before...if my child feels "comfortable" calling his grandmother who has ALWAYS been in his life...by her first name...well SOOORRRYYYY...ain't going to happen. He would just have to be uncomfortable,bad luck...he won't be making those decisions any time soon

Maree - posted on 02/12/2012

When it comes to what my son calls his step mum....well,yes i guess i am. He wouldn't ever want to but im sure id be upset if he did. I probably shouldn't really comment on that because it hasn't happened. Maybe,if i was in the situation i may feel different,especially if he was upset about me not allowing him to call her,"mum" but i'm not in the situation so who knows??? It is just one of those things that doesn't feel right. There are many things my son might want in his life....doesn't mean he should have EVERY ONE OF THEM....Really??? do you think kids should always get to decide what they want just because they "feel" it's right???

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2012

So you ARE in fact saying that your needs/rights should outweigh what makes your child feel comfortable.

Maree - posted on 02/12/2012

I do understand that Jodi...it's a tricky situation though cause one of the parents may feel,for whatever reason that it is not in the childs best interest to call another man "dad". What if the man ended up leaving or wasn't a good person etc. I know that shouldn't matter in the scheme of things because there are bigger and more important things to worry about when a child loses a parent,even if it is a step parent...but sometimes there are reasons why parents put their foot down over certain issues...this being one of them. A child doesn't always know what is best for them. Just because they feel a bond and want to call someone dad,doesn't necessarily mean they should and a man or woman who refuses to allow their child to call a step parent mum or dad...isn't necessarily a bad parent or a selfish parent. If for ANY reason,my son wanted to call his step mum "mum"....i would be very upset and i certainly would not allow it...I don't consider this to not be in my childs best interest or bad in any way,it is simply how i feel and he should not be calling anyone else "mum".

Just because i personally feel this way,does not mean it is wrong for someone else. Like i said, i have been in this situation with my son and his dad...it is unfair but i just don't know that there is a way around it. Not everything in life is fair !!!!!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/12/2012

Jodi, that's kind of what I've been saying/asking. Why shouldn't my older daughter be allowed to decide what she wants to call her step dad? In this case the so called 'parents' rights' should be overridden by the child's rights of feeling comfortable or guilty. Especially if one bio parent isn't in the picture.



DH would love it if my older daughter called him Dad or daddy, but as a child who grew up with his parents fighting and then having a very messy divorce when he was in middle school he doesn't feel he should be the one to say what my daughter calls him.



My ex husband on the other hand would probably throw a tantrum simular to the one he had outside my parents' house the time he was almost arrested if he found out that our daughter was calling DH daddy. Never mind that his wife was already trying to get our daughter to call her mom and that he hardly speaks with our daughter. But in the end I don't believe it's up to him Especially since he chose not to be a part of his daughter's life and continues to do so.

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2012

"BOTH parents have rights and the child must accept this unfortunately. "



But I am asking why the parents rights over-ride and are greater than those of the child? I have an issue with the parents' rights being paramount and at the expense of those of our children. I understand what you mean when you say, but what if the other parent doesn't agree, but the fact is, this isn't about that parents. At least, it shouldn't be. They shouldn't have to "unfortunately accept it" because their parents have rights.

Maree - posted on 02/12/2012

I actually had the same issue with my son. He wanted to call my husband "dad" and "slipped up" at his bio dads house. Bio dad hit the roof !!!!! Step mum also hit the roof. they carried on and on about the disrespect and how upset they were and couldn't understand why i would "tell my son" to call my husband dad....it ended up so upsetting for my son that he came home and wouldn't talk...he felt sick,was not himself. I was so worried,i didn't know what to do cause he had never acted this way.

So i made the decision on behalf of my son,that he would call his step dad by his first name as he had previously. It was too stressful on everyone if i pushed for my son to have his way. In the end,he would suffer for it. It isn't fair but it is what it is !!!!!!



I don't know another way around it if the bio parent is not willing to accept it. The child has 2 parents and they both have rights,whether the child likes it or not so basically i had to make an informed decision for my son so he didn't go to his dads and suffer.



Instead of calling my husband "dad",we all came to a decision that my son would be allowed to change his last name when i got married (he previously had my maiden name but i needed his bio dads permission to change it and bio dad did not want my son to have my married name). My son was happy about that so got at least part of what he wanted so was ok with going back to using my husbands first name again....I do get what you mean Jodi but what i am saying is basically that although it isn't fair that a child to feel guilty or be told what they can or can't call a parent.....BOTH parents have rights and the child must accept this unfortunately. You believe he should be allowed to call his step dad "dad"...his bio dad does not,so you both think you are right. It happens a lot with divorce !!!!!!!!!!!



Although i DON'T think that if a child really wants to use "dad' or "mum" for a step parent they should be banned........to answer your question....the reason why the parents feelings should take precedence over those of the child is because THEY ARE THE PARENTS....not the other way round. Parents make the decisions that they feel are best in the long run....maybe bad decisions,who knows...but they still have that right.

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2012

I think you are missing my point Maree. My son felt guilty about those slips up, and about the instinct to call his step-father *dad* because his father specifically BANNED him from it, therefore making letting him know that his feelings about his step-father are wrong. It shouldn't even have to be considered a *slip up*. What is the point of having the discussion with the biological parent if that discussion is then going to make the child guilty about how they feel?



Why should the biological parent's feelings take precedence over those of the child?

Maree - posted on 02/12/2012

No, I have no problem with 'slip ups'...not at all. I just think if a child is thinking about calling a step parent "mum" or "dad" permanently,then it would be a good idea to talk it through with everyone involved first.



If they accidentally say it a few times and no one has an issue with it then that is awesome...but many of times there will be a bio parent...or sometimes the step parent who will be completely unimpressed...an understandably so !!!.



There are some step parents who DO NOT wish to be called "mum" or "dad"...they don't feel comfortable with it.The point of discussions is to get all this out in the open and to avoid embarassment and offense.



What about for example in my situation(this didn't happen,just an example)....my SS comes to visit and my son has decided to call my husband "dad". What happens if my SS is uncomfortable with MY son calling HIS dad "dad"...I'm sure he wouldn't mind but i'm just saying what if he did???



He would have every right to be upset and feel like he has in a way been replaced as he isn't over that much and all of a sudden HIS dad has a "new son"...I just think where possible it should be discussed so as not to hurt ANYONE.

If my son decided he wanted to call my husband "dad" then i would like him to talk to his own dad first,then with my husband and i,then we would discus it with my SS (his son) so he understands that he is not being replaced and hopefully he won't be angry or upset.



Do you see where i'm coming from Jodi ??? Not sure if i explained properly or not !



I think it is absolutely wonderful that your child is so close to your husband and awful that he feels guilty. That is why i think a discussion is a good idea,to try to come to a resolution....if it CAN'T happen and someone doesn't agree then that is such a shame because i do think that if a child really wants to call a step parent "mum" or "dad" then everyone should try to be understanding of that and not automatically say no,just because they are jealous or something...when it involves the feelings of other children though (like my SS) I think we really need to tread carefully as they can be hurt by this.



Jodi,you have even said to me (on another thread),that my SS was there first (in my husbands life)...so he should be considered first. So you you get where I'm coming from where i think HE should be asked how he feels before deciding what MY son can call HIS father??? I don't know...i could be totally wrong on this but i can see how a vulnerable bio child that comes on visitation could be very upset about a situation like this...there are so many sides to it !!!!

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2012

So you think it is okay for my son to feel guilty when he "slips up" and calls my husband *dad*? That is acceptable to you?

Maree - posted on 02/12/2012

I agree that a child should not be forced to call a step parent "mum" or "dad"...ever,for any reason,that is not fair.... but i also feel that it shouldn't be something they just decide to do without the bio parents consent. I mean,if my son who is 11,decided he wanted to call my husband "dad",then i believe he should chat to his dad first and see how he feels about it...considering his dad has always been in his life. He should also chat with myself and my husband about it. I don't think he should just wake up one day and start calling my husband "dad" without even considering anyone else...just coz he feels like it...i find that disrespectful.

If it is spoken about with all people involved and they agree... then fine...if not,then he should be called by his first name or a name that is agreed apon.

The ONLY reason i have an issue with this is that i think it is unfair to the bio parent (if they are involved) and i don't believe that a young child should take it apon themselves to decide what they will call people...especially authority figures,like parents,step parents,grandparents,teachers etc.Like i said,a discussion with the people involved is usually all that is necessary,so as not to teach the child that they get to make these decisions without clearing it with the adults in their lives first.

If the bio parent is not in their life then they should STILL talk to the involved parents (step parents and involved bio parent) before making any decisions...it just shows respect !!!!



My SS calls me by my first name and I'm sure he always will. He visits on weekends and has his own involved mother so there is no reason for him to call me mum...



I became a step child at 17 so obviously I call my step dad by his first name. My SIL,calls my mum, "mum" but this is because she lost her own mother very young and feels comfortable using this title for my mother and thats fine...her choice,however she did chat with her first.



As for calling bio parents by their first names....i personally find this very disrespectful. I would not allow it however,if it is ok by the childs parents and it is not used disrespectfully then i don't have an issue with it...it isn't my business,i just wouldn't allow it from MY children,that's all.....

Cathy - posted on 02/12/2012

Whatever the child feels comfortable with.



I'm opposed to pushing them to do so bit if they chose to and the step parent is comfortable with that title, I have no objections.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/12/2012

Maree thanks for your input. But here's the thing although my husband has played a larger part in helping to raise my daughter than my ex has, I don't feel right telling my daughter she should call DH daddy. Neither does he. I believe it should be up to the child to determine what they want to call a step parent or a parent not the parent. Especially if they haven't been with the child for a long time. My husband's mom did try to do that to him and his brothers with her boyfriends from time to time and he still resents that.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 02/12/2012

I am a step-child and have been since 5 years of age. My Dad was in my life very much so for the first 5 years of my life, we lived with him. After that, I knew he was my Dad, he was in my life here and there, not alot. My Mom remarried when I was 7 and I did not feel comfortable calling my step-dad Dad, simply because I knew who my Dad was. Unfortunately my Mom divorced my step-dad at age 11 anyhow, so damn good thing I didn't get close enough to call him Dad, IMO. My Dad remarried when I was 6 and he is still married to my step-mom. I do not call her Mom, even though she treats my more like a Mom than my bio Mom. However, my bio Mom raised me until I was 18 (well in a theoretical sense, I really raised myself from age 11, other than food and shelter). I do however, at times, call my step-mom my 2nd Mom but, then again she is that. Then my Mom met her now husband when I was 14, he was 21, he lived with us until I left at 18 and they are still together now (22 years) but there is no way I would call him Dad, he is not a father figure to me, he is only 7 years older....



I do not call any of my step-family counterparts anything but by their names, they haven't really been a part of my life. All of my immediate family on both sides were always very strongly a part of my life until the age of about 16. I still associate with them but very rarely. They all live in AB and Sask, where I live in NS now. I saw my Dad and step-mom for the first time in 13 years this past summer because they came out for our wedding. I now have a closer relationship with my Dad than my Mom. Go figure. Now that I am all the way across Canada we have become close and I feel I live way too close to my Mom (we do not get along).



I also have a half sister and brother (my Dad's 2nd children) and I call them half sis and half bro. I did not grow up with them. They are 12 and 14 years younger than I.



So, it definitely depends on the child and no child should be forced to call anyone Mom or Dad, unless their bio parent(s) have raised them. As I said before, my children had better not ever refer to me with anything else than Mom. When my Mom and I get fighting I call her "Linda", you know why? Because it is disrspectful and I know it gets under her skin, simply because she friggen deserves it. Sorry, don't judge that comment because no one understands the crappy relationship my mother and I have nor all the crap I have gone through as a child and adult as her so called child.... I do still call her Mom though when it is called for. ;)



My daughter, however, will never have anyone to call Dad. Her bio father (I do not use the term Dad loosely) walked away when I was 4 months pregnant and I raised my daughter for the 1st 8 years on my own. I am completely fine if she calls my DH "Dennis" or "Dad" but it is solely up to her. She has chosen "Dennis"....

Maree - posted on 02/11/2012

Ps...yes i am a step child...and i have a bio dad who just walked away,never to be seen again so i see all sides of this argument

Maree - posted on 02/11/2012

I don't believe a parent who has NOT been in a childs life must be called mum or dad...i simply believe that if they HAVE been in the childs life or have raised them,then they should call them mum or dad...and if not...well then call them whatever they want,they don't deserve a title like mum or dad if they havent been around.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/11/2012

I agree with that too. There's no good reason to make a child or an adult feel uncomfortable just because you like the idea.



I don't know how my older DD feels when DH's cousins and their husbands refer to DH as her daddy. They always say things like 'ask your daddy' or 'can you get such and such for your daddy'. At least I know DH's family considers my older daughter part of their family and feels that DH is her dad if not her father- so even if DD never calls DH daddy at least she knows she's part of his family. My MIL even considers my older daughter to be her first granddaughter.

Jodi - posted on 02/11/2012

And yes, I hate that my son feels guilty if he slips up. He shouldn't feel that way. He's 14 now though, he doesn't really slip up any more, and he also doesn't really see his dad, so it's a bit less relevant these days.

Cyndel - posted on 02/11/2012

Child's choice.

but if the child chose to out of retaliation after a fight with bio mom I would seriously discourage it.

Jodi - posted on 02/11/2012

My husband just calls my parents by their first names. As I said, it should be about what everyone feels comfortable with. And kids should not be an exception to that rule.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/11/2012

I feel odd calling my inlaws mom and dad and I think my husband feels the same way about calling my parents mom and dad. I'm more comfortable calling my inlaws Cathy and Dan and calling my MIL's boyfriend Rick.



My dad has always called my mom's parents mom and dad. But he also slips up sometimes and refers to my mom as Bev and my papa (grandpa) as dad. So I don't know if he is the best person to reference.



Jodi I agree that it's not fair for your son to feel guilty for calling your husband 'dad'. I sometimes wonder if that's the case for my older daughter, but I don't ask her about it. Like your son my daughter has little to no contact with her father (he lives in GA I live in BC and he only calls her on her birthday and Christmas. He also never IMs me about our daughter even though I see him online all the time.) And she's been around my husband since she was almost 4. My daughter has called DH daddy a few times, but I think she felt guilty about it as well. I'm not sure if her father had anything to do with it though because they don't really talk. he never even sent anything for Christmas.



I will admit that I would be very upset if my daughter was calling her step mom 'mom' or 'mommy' because she has little to no established relationship with her step mom and I'd honestly feel it was coerced-especially since she was very vocal about taking my daughter for her own during the custody hearings.

Jodi - posted on 02/11/2012

I haven't read all the responses, but I figure, given I am on both ends of this situation, I know something about it :P



Firstly, I believe it is the child's choice. I don't believe they should be pressured into calling a step-parent a particular thing, I think it should be their choice as to whatever they feel comfortable with.



Consider a child who is with their step parent for the majority of the time, and visits their biological parent one or 2 nights every other weekend. That child is probably going to feel very comfortable with their step-parent and possibly view them very much as a *parent*.



The fact is, kids know who their biological parents are if they are active in their lives. Does it really, therefore, matter what they call their step-parents? Personally, I think we should all get off our high horses and let the kids go with what feels comfortable for them, and that includes (1) not freaking out if the child calls their step parent *mum* or *dad* and (2) not pressuring them to call our new husbands or wives or whatever *mum* or *dad*. I think as parents, we should leave it alone.



In our family, I am step mother to two children. They have never lived the majority of time with us. Every other weekend was the norm when they were younger, and it has been more flexible and less scheduled as they have gotten older. They have always just called me Jodi. That's fine. Both of them call their step-fathers *dad* (they have different mothers, both of whom have since remarried). They know who their real dad is, but their step-fathers have done a LOT for these children, and they have absolutely earned the title too. Did it hurt my husband? Yes, initially it did a bit. Until he looked at it from a more objective perspective and realised that it wasn't designed to hurt him, it was about what the children felt. Now it is no big deal.



On the other hand, my son, who these days barely sees his father, does NOT call my husband dad because he has been specifically instructed by his father not to. He has been known to slip up, and you can see him panic and correct himself. It isn't fair that he should feel such guilt for calling my husband dad. I mean, my husband does a lot of dad things for him, and he lives with us full time, so it is understandable that sometimes this might be expressed, but no, his biological father had to put the guilts on him. Really not at all fair.



If his bio dad had a wife or partner that he'd been with for a long period since my son was young, I probably would have been a little upset if he'd called her mum. But if he was calling her that because he loved her and cared about her, I'd get over it.



Just as a side note, I call my in-laws mum and dad. Should my parents feel upset that I call them that? Or is that okay because they are part of my family now?

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/11/2012

Sherri, When I hit enter everything else came up afterwards. Including your posts on culture and how you are a step parent.(DH has to use my computer in a few because of work so I had to finish feeding the baby so he could finish work on the other computer and then I had to finish the post) So I appoligize for that mix up.



A lot of what I said was also directed at Maree.



I'm not a step child, I'm an adopted child and I have been with my adoptive parents since I was 3 days old. I can't imagine calling them anything but mom and dad. I do have an aunt who remarried when I was 22 and I feel odd calling her husband Uncle, so I don't know if I could call my bio parents mom and dad either.



And I do understand cultural and even personal preferences. As I've said before the parents one of my friends whom I've known over half my life are called Mr and Mrs, but I have other parents friends who are refered to by their first name. A lot of my friends are aunt so and so, because we're close.

Sherri - posted on 02/11/2012

@Megan I am a step child. You need to go back and read some of my posts. and yes I call my step dad, dad and have and consider him to be so since I was around 19yrs old. I also said it was a cultural thing and that is how it is here, not everywhere.



I also don't have a problem with a step child calling a step parent by their first name as I already stated, the conversation switched to bio parents.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 02/11/2012

Maree, try telling my friend who does call her bio dad by his first name. He walked out on my friend and her mom when my friend was still a baby and wasn't involved in her life for over 20 years. Do you honestly believe someone like that deserves to be called Dad?



I know you're a step mom and a bio mom, but have you ever been a step child? Or been a child whose parent walked out on them and didn't contact them? Honestly if later on in life my older daughter wanted to call her bio dad by his first name I wouldn't take issue with it. And my husband doesn't have an issue with being called Lee instead of daddy, that's his name and he knows from experiance how it feels to have your mom force you to call someone who isn't your bio parent. Heck I asked my daughter earlier how she'd feel if I told her to call DH 'dad' or 'daddy' instead of Lee and she said she'd be mad, upset, angry and uncomfortable. Do you wish that on your child or step child?



Sherri, I have one friend who I've known since grade 9 whose parents I call Mr and Mrs so and so because that's what her parents expect But my mom doesn't like going by Mrs Donnelly- she always says: That's my MIL I'm Bev. My other friend's parents were mr and mrs so and so (along with my inlaws) until I got to know everyone better. Like Sylvia said, their feelings would be hurt if I was formal with them



I allow my daughter's friends to call me Megan instead of Mrs Regnier because Regnier isn't very easy to pronounce. Furthermore because my older daughter's last name is different from mine (and mine is hard to pronounce) I've been Mrs 'my ex's last name a few times' so this is also why I'd rather be Megan. It's less confusion for my children's friends and I'm not big on formality.



Again, I guess none of your friends were in my friend's situation where a parent just up and left them. I have no issue with my friend calling her father Bruce and I'd have no issue with my older daughter calling her father by his first name since he doesn't bother to be a father to her.



I don't believe either of you are taking every situation into consideration. Nor do I believe either of you have been in the position of being a step child or you'd feel differently about making a child do something they don't feel comfortable doing just because you feel they should do it. There are always grey areas in every situation and it's not up to you or to anyone else to try and make everything black and white.



My older daughter does call DH's parents and my MIL's boyfriend her grandparents. DH's brothers are her uncles and DH's aunts uncles and cousins are her aunts uncles and cousins. But DH isn't her bio dad he's her step dad so right now he's still Lee. I will not force my daughter to call her step dad 'daddy' just because it seems disrespectful to complete strangers. And my husband wants it that way because he doesn't feel right forcing my daughter to do something she didn't want to do. DH is from a divorced family and if his mom had remarried he never would have called his step dad dad (he calls his mom's boyfriend Rick) because he has a great relationship with his real dad. So I trust him when he says that it's not right to force certain things on a child.



To answer the whole 'would you want your child to call you by your first name' no of course not. But these are my biological children and I raised them. If that weren't the case, then I'd feel better if they did call me Megan. That could be the case if my brother ever met his bio mom or I met mine because to us our adoptive parents are always mom and dad.

Sylvia - posted on 02/11/2012

Yeah, I actually meant to rewrite that -- I meant *I* couldn't do it.

Sherri - posted on 02/11/2012

Well you can Sylvia I call my step dad - dad and he didn't become my step dad till I was 17 yrs old. I refer him only by dad and have since I was around 19.