sticking it out for the kids

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2011 ( 67 moms have responded )

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Do you think parents which aren't in love (well at least one of them aren't) should stay together for the kids?

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Charlie - posted on 06/01/2011

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I have been with my fiance 6 years , I still lust after him daily , he is still makes me all warm and fuzzy when he walks through the door in his filthy work clothes ...what has changed ? we have other people to focus on ( our kids ) we have to be a little more creative about when we get it on but essentially our love is the same if not better with kids .

Now I have to agree with Teresa S that you cannot control who you love BUT you can control your happiness , see I have been in love before and had to leave because that person was toxic ......

You can love a person until the day you die but if they are toxic to your life , your happiness you have to do the right thing and let it go , it isnt healthy for you and when kids are involved it isnt healthy for them .

Jenni - posted on 06/02/2011

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Firstly, I am so sorry Teresa for the heartache you've endured. It is a very tough decision when children are involved. It is not one I would take lightly either.

I believe in trying to work things out and to rebuild the relationship. Unfortunately, there are times that no matter how hard we try, we can never heal from past transgressions... no matter where our heart is; sometimes we can never get back what was lost. You can only try so hard and for so long before you have to realize the love you once had will never return.

A marriage without love can be just a detrimental to the children as a divorce. It teaches children that it's acceptable to stay in a 'loveless' relationship and to sacrifice their own happiness in order to 'make it work'. And that's what you have to ask yourself, what do I want for my children in life? To live by my example? Do you want for your children the life you have now? Do you want for yourself, the life you're living now?

Of course it is important to show your children you don't just throw in the towel when times get rough but if you have tried, you have saught marriage councelling... there is only so much you can do. If you do still feel there is an inkling a hope, that one day you may overcome his transgression. Then by all means... try a little longer.

Whatever your decision. Understand that he is the one who broke trust in the relationship. For many, that is a deal breaker... without trust there can be no love. It is not your fault you can't find it in your heart to fall back in love with him. We have little control over our hearts. He's the one who made the decision to gamble with yours. Buying material things will not win your heart back... if he can't realize that then obviously the relationship he currently has with you is one based on superfisciality and lacks depth. I personally would be extremely insulted if someone thought they could buy my love and tried to 'guilt' me into loving them. I would tell him to take those things back, I didn't want them... what he took from me he can never buy back.

JuLeah - posted on 06/01/2011

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Kids grow to have the marriage they watched while growing .... so .... what type of marriage do you want for them?



I know women unhappy situations who wish to stay in it for the kids, but really, how is that going to help the kid?



If you are not happy, and don't feel you can be, then model clean, honest, kind, self care, boundary setting, and all that healthy stuff.



We have to model, as women, how to be happy, put ourselves at the top of the tado list .... otherwise our girls will grow to devalue themselves, and boy will devalue their partners/gf/wives

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011

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wow Teresa - thats horrible. Really doing that he should realise why you dont have the love for him. If he actually thinks about it because any guy who does that isnt worth it. Thats awful.

Charlie - posted on 06/01/2011

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Mel said : I agree Shannin Ive often thought Id be willing to leave of something better came around, but until then my place is here because my girls are more important then me :) And I am fine with it all. Im a mum now so my happiness seems unimportant .



Mel that is the saddest thing I have read in a long time , everyone deserves happiness.

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[deleted account]

Wait...your husband has been "in and out of prison" and you want to leave your child with him?? I'm sorry, if he is not even capable of staying out of prison, he's not capable of caring for a child full time. What if he goes to prison again? Who would care for her?

I suggest you finish raising your daughter THEN move away and start your business once she is in college, or invest in a boarding school where she will be well cared for and safe so that you can move away and start your business sooner. Could you not run your business where you are now?

Btw, my own father was "in and out of prison" and I ended up homeless at the age of 4 because of it. He can't care for her from prison.

Anonymous - posted on 02/08/2013

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you
posted 5 hours ago
I've been married for 3yrs, with my husband for 11yrs & we have a 8yr old daughter. My husband has been in and out of prison for silly ****. He has always been able to care for my daughter & I financially but not so much for me, mentally, emotionally nor sexually. He's now has his own place and since I have basically raised my daughter myself, I'm seriously thinking about filing for shared custody. I would like to move to the big apple & start my dream business. I've played mommy and daddy for so long, I think it's his turn to play his part. I like the school academics here and want my daughter to finish here. I would have her with me for summer & holidays ...does it sound like I'm being selfish or am I finally starting to live?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/03/2011

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Ok, I have to add....if my parents (which they did not) stayed together for us kids, I would blame myself for my parents being so miserable. What kid wants that responsibility?

Christy - posted on 06/03/2011

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yes, I do. As long as there's no abuse going on.

I recommend Dr. Willard Harley's marriage program. His top seller is "His Needs, Her Needs." Their relationship would improve and they would enjoy their time together!

Kimberly - posted on 06/03/2011

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absalutly not it is just bad all the way around my mom did it for 23 years and all three of us kids detested it.

Valerie - posted on 06/03/2011

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My opinion is no, staying together "just for the kids" is not good for the mom and dad or the kids.. just how I feel.. although I do think giving it a valiant effort first, before ending it is extremely important, as there are many bumps in the road for marriages.. and sometimes you need an outside perspective to realize it may not be over... good luck!

Melissa - posted on 06/03/2011

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Children learn by example, and they learn first from the parents. If you're not happy in your relationship, you should not be in it.

Mel - posted on 06/02/2011

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good on you Teresa, you can do this.We're here for support if you need

[deleted account]

No. I don't think staying together JUST for the sake of the kids is a good idea for anyone. Kids are perceptive and will pick up on more than you know. Now, I think that if both parents want to try and give it another shot, get counselling, whatever, then go for it and of course, try to make it work. But if one is still "in love" and the other has no doubt that they aren't and want out, it's worse in the end for parents to stay together. I compare this to people getting married just because they find out they're pregnant. Um, NOT a valid reason to get married, IMO. And definitely not a good reason to stay married, unless the marriage has a fighting chance. I mean, is staying in a loveless marriage really the example anyone would want to set for their children? Teaching them that it's ok for Mommy & Daddy to settle? Seems like an unfair lesson to me. If my husband and I ever got to the point where we felt we were better off seperate, I think it would be a better lesson for our son to see us seperate amicably, act like adults and move on to find happiness...much better than for him to watch us both spend years in a miserable existence, void of love.....he'd grow up to have a very skewed vision of marriage and that's just not fair to him.

Constance - posted on 06/02/2011

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It really depends on the situation. If you are not in love, not attracted, dread seeing a glimpse of even his car then no. It isn't healthy for you or the kids. You have a right to be happy and if you end things on good terms then you will be able to coparent effectvally. I have had friends that had parents that actually like each other and they would still go out to dinner as a family and have good time. My parents I couldn't even invite both of them to my wedding because they couldn't be adults. It was my day and it was going to stay that way.
I think when kids are involved it is so important for mom and dad to be friends. It is easier for everyone involved.

Teresa - posted on 06/02/2011

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Thank all of you that have posted I know what I must do and know have a different perspective on things and even if my girls have to live a little below their norm for a while I see that in the end it will be worth it.I am not doing this because I want anyone else I just don't want him and I am not sure that I will ever want anyone else this marriage has proved to be hell for me and I could never imagine doing it again.But Thank you very much for giving me a new outlook on life

Shannintipton - posted on 06/02/2011

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I don't mean to high jack this thread but I am under the impression that everyone think my husband and I don't love each other we do. We just in lust of each other. How could I not love him and still be with him. I only want him to be happy and have his needs met. Just not by me. ha ha He is also the father of my children. Of couse I love him. Thanks for listening and movin'on.

Tara - posted on 06/02/2011

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Hi Teresa,
I haven't had a chance to read all the replies, but from what I have read, I can say that you are better off without him.
I did 10 years in the institution of marriage with a man who was emotionally abusive, verbally abusive and controlling.
He cheated on me shortly after my 4th child was born, although I didn't actually get confirmation of that until we split. I had my suspicions but he denied it 100% and I was feeling so vulnerable having just had a baby that I believed him.
We fought a lot during the last 3 years or so of being together. He yelled a lot, he screamed at me often.
His attitude about fighting in front of the kids was "as long as they see that we make up and are okay then it's not a big deal." but it was a big deal, my kids hated when we fought.
They would hide in their rooms and wait for the storm to pass. My kids used to say things like "Why does daddy make you cry all the time" and "why is daddy so mad today?" and "why does daddy curse in the shower all the time?" and "How did that hole get in the wall?" etc. etc.
I knew that I couldn't pull the wool over their eyes, kids are too intuitive. They knew I wasn't happy, they knew that life was dragging me down. I tried so hard to appear happy, to appear as if all was well in my world.
But it wasn't and it showed.

I thought I should stay with him for the kids sake. I felt I owed them that much. I felt that I would be a failure if I left him. I thought that it would be harder on the kids for us to divorce than for them to live the way we were.
I was wrong. So wrong. The last year we spent together, we cohabited our house. I had my own room, he had his. We thought having an in house separation would make life easier for everyone. I thought if he knew that I was ready to live in another room, to not sleep with him, to put distance between us, I thought he would change. I thought he would see how close he was to losing me and our marriage.
Nope. He was a total ass.
I finally left him, it took a lot out of me, it felt wrong to do that to my kids, but I knew it was right. I knew what I was doing was only going to ensure that my daughters sought men like their dad.
It would only ensure that I was always going to feel like I was trapped. So I made the decision to leave.
It wasn't easy telling him. I actually did it through email. While he was at work. I waited until I had found a place of my own, in my home town, so I could be closer to my family as I knew I would need that support from people who *did* love me.

When he got home he was furious, to the point where I had to threaten to call the police if he didn't calm down.
From then till when I moved (about 2 weeks) was pure hell.
He would go from being horrid to me, to asking me to hug him, forgive him, love him again. He would threaten suicide and running away to Brazil (he was getting a little crazy at that point!) He told me he would fight me for sole custody of our kids. He said he change if only I would stay. He admitted to the affair he had years before, he begged and pleaded for me to stay.
By that point in time I no longer had any desire to be with this man. He disgusted me. His groveling made it worse.
I was done. It was easy for me at that point. Even the fact that my kids would only see him on weekends didn't stop me.
He was a great dad, and I have joint custody with him, but leaving him was the very very best thing I ever did for myself or my family. He is happier, I am happier, the kids are happier.
I am now with a wonderful person who lived through a similar relationship with his ex. She was a drunk who cheated. And who could be very nasty when she wanted to be.
So we take more care in how we treat each other. We learned from our past relationships what is healthy and what is not. We learned to honour ourselves and each other.
Life is so very different now from what I thought it could be 3 very long years ago. I feel like I have a new lease on life and that I get to decide how my future looks.

Staying for the kids is always wrong.
People think kids are dumb and don't pick up on things. They think as long as you don't fight in front of them they won't know you are suffering. That is not true.
Kids pick up on things far more than we give them credit for. They can feel when things are stressed or tense. They can almost smell it.
It sounds like everyone in your situation would be better off if you divorced him.
If he is putting up such a big stink about you not leaving and is willing to miss work to ensure you don't leave than I would be telling him that he must leave, and if he doesn't you will call the police to have him escorted from your home.
If you want to be the one to leave, you have a safe place to go etc. than go when he is working or call the police and ask them to attend your home while you move your things out.
Don't let him pressure you into staying, don't let him threaten you into staying, don't listen to his cries for forgiveness if you have decided to leave.
Just do it and move on...
It won't always be easy, but it WILL always be worth it.

[deleted account]

JuLeah is so very very right.
I grew up with parents who are still married. They have had their rough patches and trials but they stayed together through it all.
My Ex's parents were seperated when his mother found out she was pregnant.
I thought he was in it for the long run because he didn't have it with his family but i was wrong. He walked out telling me he would "try" something to help our marriage (i never knew there was a problem) but within 5 weeks of walking it he had moved in with a girl who has 2 kids of her own. He hasn't tried to help us he just moved one and i am disappointed that the person i was with for 7 years i didn't know at all.
I believe all avenues should be exhausted before giving up.

Mrs. - posted on 06/01/2011

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My fiance, I know, was seriously messed up by the fact that his parents just stayed together for the kids...or at least his mother did.

He thought what he saw as a child was the way to go, that it was the norm for people to never fight and to always appear happy. When they broke up, because of his mom finally breaking down and having an affair, it destroyed his idea of what love was. He still struggles now with forcing himself to talk to me and not run away/hide from feelings.

This is what happens to kids who watch their parents act like everything is cool when it is not. Fucking with their minds that way is not worth any convenience that comes from no alimony, etc, IMO.

[deleted account]

In my experience no. I have known all my life that my parents dont even LIKE each other and when some of my friends were wishing their parents would get back together i was wishing mine would divorce. They fought. Alot. It was wearying. And even when they didnt fight we knew they didnt like each other.
Shannin- yes I still feel the same about my man. We've been together 8 years and married 7 years. He is my lover and my best friend. I know, I'm very lucky.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/01/2011

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Teresa S - your relationship with your husband is probably over. I don't think I would go back to that craziness. There is a breaking point and I think you are there. This was not in the original post so there was no way for me to know. Get an attorney with the best money HE can buy. Good luck. I am afraid your going to need it. IMO only. Sorry

Jane - posted on 06/01/2011

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@Teresa - I guess you have made your decision; your last name has changed from Olvera to Singletary.

Lady Heather - posted on 06/01/2011

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Oh, and to answer Shannin, we have been together for 10 years this Sunday. Definitely there have been ups and downs in the lustiness department, but we make date nights when we're in a slump and then things pick up again. This pregnancy has made me go all first three months though. It's like being a teenager. :)

Lady Heather - posted on 06/01/2011

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My parents NEVER fought in front of us. Ever. But we still knew something wasn't right. And then my parents got back together when we were all adults and we could all tell when it went sour for the second time. Again, no arguing. Kids are way too perceptive to try and hide things from them.

Lacye - posted on 06/01/2011

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My parents were together for about 17 years when they split up. I was 2 years old. Now I may not have understood everything then, but I understand now why my daddy left. He was so unhappy. He never really was in love with my mother but he stayed with her because of the kids until he just couldn't take anymore. I don't blame him at all. He should have left long before he actually did. If you aren't in love with a person, you should leave. It will be much better for the kids in the long run than if you stayed and were completely unhappy.

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011

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wow. How old are your kids, sorry if Ive missed that? Im guessing since you were pregnant at the time he cheated one must be 11 or 12 right?

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2011

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@mel If I change numbers he still gotta talk with the kids and when he calls he supposedly wants to talk to the kids but then the girls come back with the phone and say daddy wants to talk to you and if I refuse to talk to him he talks to the kids about he feels like he is dying and puts them in the middle it's just awful,I am trying to look for ways to avoid thecraziness

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011

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In answr to your question Shannin, our love isnt the same as before he had kids maybe because we were younger but also because we dont get to spend time alone together I think my friends came the otehr weekend and sent us off to do something together even then he complained, "we're supposed to be cleaning the house, oh where am I supposed to take you" etc We did end up going to the pub and shops for an hour or 2. We have only been together a bit over 5 yrs so not a long history but take off 7 months of that because we were separated I dumped him back in 2006 because I was veyr immature 17 yr old , but he was perfect in every way had alot of love for me, now we have both become kind of bitter and angry and need counselling that he wont go to. Definately do not "lust after him" Infact sometimes I think about hooking up with someone else, even though Id never break my marriage vows. But everything changes when you have kids, alot of the time before hand, everythings perfect like us :) 2 incomes, time together etc. My parents were married for 14 yrs before then had kids even and togetehr another 4 yrs before that and they separated not long after they had me and my brother. Kids change things ALOT

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2011

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12 years and everything changed with me when I was 5 months pregnant and stopped at a stop sign in his truck and a prostitute flagged me down thinking it was my husband (tinted windows) and after talking to her and realizing he was sleeping with a girl on the streets (without a condom) coming home and sleeping with me while I am pregnant with his twins which could have given all three of us Aids or God knows what and he didn't care the love ended THAT DAY

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011

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can you change you number...put your phone on silent and ignore all his calls thats what I do with my hubby. Definately sounds like you need to leave while he's at work he needs to realise that you are unhappy and he needs to let go. I know this would be such a hard situation after being together so long but sounds like its for the best, I may have missed it Im not sure but do you have anywhere to go to?

Shannintipton - posted on 06/01/2011

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I have a question for all of you. How long have you been with hubby? Do you still lust after him the same way as you did when you were dating. Or has it changed a little bit. Matured a little bit. Just wondering.



***edit to add - question may be better suited for another time. Carry on.

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2011

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just wondering when I do leave how to go about making him leave me alone.Anytime I have ever left he stalks me and calls constantly has anyone had luck in leaving a man like this

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2011

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@Teresa I totally disagree love is not a choice it' either there or it isn't and when it isn't it just in't you can't force yourself to love anyone believe me I have tryed for 12 years to force myself to love him and it hasn't worked,all it has caused is years of frustration until I resent him for not letting me go

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011

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12 yrs is a long long Teresa *hugs* I think it definately sounds like you need to get out.



WIth regards to my situation, I do have love for my husband however we are 2 very different people and he refuses to make compromises with things that are VERY important to me, but he does however have about a million good points that most other guys dont have so I do my very best to think about them everytime I want out :) Honestly he's a good person with very different priorities and different ideas of what marriage should mean. But one day we may be able to sort things out.



Youve suffered such a long time Teresa, I cant even imagine how hard it must be for you after that period of time...I hope you are able to make the right decision for you



Sorry this is edited I accidentally hit the post button

Shannintipton - posted on 06/01/2011

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That is a well thought out plan.



**edit to add: This comment "That is a well thought out plan." was to be five comments back when she said she would leave when he was at work.

Charlie - posted on 06/01/2011

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"He cheated in the beginning and I seriously lost all feelings for him then but was already pregnant ith twins so I decided to stay with him for their sake they are now 12 and they tell me all the time that we should leave because I am not happy,I pretend really good or so I thought I did and I have left before he just refuses to let go "


That says it all hun , I do not believe that it is ever a good idea to stick it out for the kids if you are suffering and you have tried to fix things then leave .

Children ( even young children ) pick up on everything , they know what you are feeling even if you think you are hiding it ..the children end up suffering too plus you have to think about what it is you are showing your children .... Live your life to the fullest , as a happy woman , you deserve to be happy , your children deserve to live with a happy mother and not in a house with tension and unhappiness .

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2011

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@Mel I have thought for 12 years my happiness wasn't important until the kids started pointing out how miserable I was,I have always thought it would be best if I just pretended really good but they have seen their friends parents and the mom doesn't cringe or try to get away from the daddy with their friends mom and dad.It is getting to the point as I look at him as my warden and me the inmate and it's really starting to make me hate him for all the years I have spent miserable

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011

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Ive only read a couple of your comments Teresa and am sorry for what you're going through, when someone cheats on you its extremely hard to gain trust back

Mel - posted on 06/01/2011

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I think when you ahve kids you should do your very best to work everything out and explore all options before ending a relationship/marriage. Interesting topic though as someone just said to me last night that research shows that it isn't good for kids to have parents together when they dont love each other/have problems.

I like Shannins comment, Ive been unhappy for a while personally and even now and then I think Im going to end it but then I think realistically and know my kids need to stay here where they are comfortable not move around just for my sake, without the kids I would be either single now or with somebody else, but Ihave my kids so I stick things out. I agree Shannin Ive often thought Id be willing to leave of something better came around, but until then my place is here because my girls are more important then me :) And I am fine with it all. Im a mum now so my happiness seems unimportant

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2011

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@michelle I have Known all along that diamonds and cars ain't going to cut it and I am at the eff it stage but I guess I just gotta get it done,If I tell him I am going to leave he will stay home 24\7 to make sure I don't so I guess the best plan of action would be to leave while he is at work and it's not that I can't forgive for myself but there were circumstances in his craziness that could have not only harmed me but my daughters as well considering I was prego at the time.I don't sleep because I am always trying to figure a way out but thanks to you I at least know the appropriate prayers to pray and he can have most everything bac that he has bought except the car of course because I need it to get away

Michelle - posted on 06/01/2011

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Aww Teresa..... If it's not in you to forgive and forget then it's not.... this has been 12 years!?! You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else, and if you haven't been happy in 12 years honey, you gotta let it go. Even your children are behind you which is 1/2 the battle.

One day you'll just say (excuse my language... well here, I"ll censor it) "EFF IT! diamonds and cars aren't cutting it anymore - I need REAL happiness" and leave.

I don't even think God can force you to love someone.... instead, pray for your happiness, pray for Him to show you direction (which, I think He's doing now), pray for the courage and the strength you need to do this.... even with prayer it will still be difficult - but DAMN the reward will be AWESOME!!! :)

I'll make sure I say a little prayer for you tonight chick :)

Jane - posted on 06/01/2011

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What betrayal? I assume it was the usual thing, another woman, but perhaps it was something else.

And actually, sometimes you CAN make yourself love someone, especially if you loved them before. It would take counseling and a lot of hard work, thinking back to why you married him in the first place. Did you ever love him? Think back to that time and remember why you loved him. Are any of those traits still there? Focus on his good traits and see if those are enough that you can begin to appreciate him again.

Did he admit he made a mistake and promise (successfully) to never do it again? Have the two of you actually discussed what your feelings are about this betrayal and tried to figure out together how you can trust him again?

Do you WANT to love him again?

Another thing to look at is this: what will happen to the kids if you leave? Would it really be better for the kids if you stayed but were obviously unhappy? And then consider what would happen to the kids if you and your husband were able to reconcile and forgive, to go on to build a strong family.

I think you need to figure out the answers to all of these questions before you make a decision.

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2011

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@ bonnie idk why he won't let go I have told him he can see the girls as much as he wants and I will never take them from him or ever try to turn them against him.He has never been violent but when we aren't together he acts as if his world has ended

Teresa - posted on 06/01/2011

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I usually try to just concentrate on the kids but that doesn't work anymore.When I try to leave he buys me cars diamonds and whatever else he thinks can make me feel guilty for leaving.Sometimes I believe he will never let go and this is basically how I have to live women tell me how lucky I am that he is a great provider and just as equally great father and I am crazy for not being happy but you can't make yourself love someone or can you I have even prayed to God to get me to love him but his betrayal was too deep I was pregnant with his children

Jane - posted on 06/01/2011

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I know people who have done this apparently successfully. They behaved well in public at any rate and seemed to live in the same house as if they were roommates. I suspect it wasn't easy, and I also suspect that neither one had any flaming desire for anyone else, not each other and not outside lovers. The kids grew up okay, but only time will tell if they are able to sustain a loving marriage over the long term. They did not have role models for that, just for a "civilized" and asexual relationship.

However, agreeing to live together when one person is still in love, and the other isn't is going to be exceedingly difficult. The one who is still in love will eventually become "clingy" and the other will eventually want to be with someone they do love. This "friendship" can quickly devolve into outright warfare, and no one is fooling anyone, including the kids.

Any chance these two can choose to repair their marriage rather than split? It will take a lot of work but it could be well worth it. I look at what my parents have achieved after being together almost 61 years and I want what they have.

If not, then I suggest a trial separation, perhaps coupled with counseling to see which way is best for this particular couple.

Bonnie - posted on 06/01/2011

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"They are more like buddies or roommates at worst. What is the harm. They both have access to the kids. No shuffling of kids here or there for visitation. No alimony. No sex. No problem. ha ha"

Shannin, although it would seem to make life a lot easier for them to stay together and not have to worry about alimony and visitation rights, etc., I doubt any man could go without sex forever. So, if he is not getting it from his wife, who will he be getting it from? I'm sorry, but there is no way I would stay with someone for the sake of the kids and there would never be any sex and he would be going elsewhere for it, while still be married to me.

Bonnie - posted on 06/01/2011

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In most cases, I personally don't think you should stay together for the kids. A lot of the time it gets ugly and why should children have to be put through that?

Teresa Olvera, if he refuses to let go, that must mean he still wants to be with you I would imagine. I just don't understand why he would do that to you then. You are strong to have stayed with him all this time.

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