Stop dressing like sluts and you won't get raped!

Kristi - posted on 12/19/2012

Jen and Sylvia--

I want to apologize if my comments sound as if I think some women do "ask for it." I didn't mean to imply that at all...if I did.

Suggesting we (women) take responsibility for our actions, etc was like suggesting taking responsibility for yourself before going hiking or driving in bad weather. Make sure you are as prepared and as aware of your surroundings as you can be. You don't want to go on 5 mile hike uphill if you just got a cast of your broken ankle or without enough water and snacks. As well, you would not want to be talking on your cell phone while putting on mascara while trying to drive through a blizzard. Now obviously if you get hurt hiking or in an accident it won't be the trail's fault or the snow's fault whereas even taking precautions, rape is NOT your fault.

I was just trying to point out that, even though it is still completely wrong, a woman is less likely to get "date" raped if she is not shit faced, grinding all up on a guy, dressed like a "slut" and then goes back to the guy's room. Like I said, even if all those things do happen, rape is still the guy's fault but I do believe we might have been able to avoid that once in awhile.

Sylvia - posted on 12/18/2012

I told a lot of people ... eventually. (None of them in law enforcement. I feel bad about that, because I suspect I was neither the first nor the last girl to be assaulted by that guy. But it took me a long time just to put a name to what had happened.) In the immediate aftermath, I told one friend, who helped hugely by (a) extensive hugging and (b) telling me firmly that yes, it was a bad thing that had happened, yes, it was reasonable for me to be very upset about it, and no, it was NOT MY FAULT. (He also offered to confront the guy for me, but I wouldn't let him, because my friend is about half the size of the other guy and I really seriously did not want him to get beaten up on my account.)

Anyway.

The more women are acculturated to believing that how we dress and how we behave around men has an impact on whether or not we get raped or sexually assaulted, the less likely we are to report these crimes when they take place, which makes it easier for (a) rapists to keep being free-range rapists and (b) everyone else to pretend there's no problem.

And we *are* acculturated. I practically got into an argument with a (older, female) co-worker a couple of weeks ago when she mentioned that a rape had been reported in her neighbourhood and she was concerned about her niece (currently living with her and her DH) because she's young and pretty and therefore more likely to be a target. Guh.

Jen - posted on 12/16/2012

Precisely Sylvia, if men are that incapable of controlling their sexual desires and power desires, only then will we see an improvement

I never told anyone about my rape except the girl who introduced us.

Sylvia - posted on 12/16/2012

Ugh.

@Jen, when I was sexually assaulted at 16, I was probably wearing jeans and sneakers and an enormous sweatshirt (it was 1991). I wasn't wearing makeup. Also? It was dark.

And also, +1 to everyone upthread who pointed out that rape is about exerting power, not about sexual attraction.

It pisses me off to hear this kind of "she was asking for it" crap from men. It pisses me off even more to hear it from women, which I frequently do. It's not women's job to stop men from raping us! It's men's job to NOT BE RAPISTS. Jayzus.

For that reason I really like this PSA recently released in the UK: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/9...

Jen - posted on 12/16/2012

I was raped at 16. I was wearing jeans, a turtleneck, boring white underwear, white socks and sneakers. I wasn't aware that was slut material. I guess all my therapists were wrong about it not being my fault!

JD - posted on 12/15/2012

I don't like the sentiment of this because it places the blame on the woman. It shouldn't matter how she is dressed, the only person to blame for a rape is the person doing the crime. Full dress does not stop rape, look at many places where women wear burkas and can't show anything but facial skin, rape still happens there as well. This also implies that men are incapable of controlling themselves when it comes to even a tiny amount of skin, it is offensive to men just as much as women. Rape is not about sex, rape is about power and taking it from someone.

Kristi - posted on 12/14/2012

I agree that victims of sexual abuse, be it molestation or rape are not to blame. I will probably get hunted down and stoned for this but. I believe that we can help ourselves avoid "date rapes" more often. I'm not saying any kind of rape is ok or is our fault but when we get sloppy drunk and/or high and we are overly "affectionate" and we are showing off our assests we make it that much easier to be attacked. No always means no whenever we say it. But it is a lot harder to put any meaning behind it when we are bombed out of our minds and we have been bumpin and grinding on the dance floor all night. As many posters have already said rape is about power and control. When we are wasted and acting in a sexual manner, we have already given up our power and control. I am speaking as a rape victim not as an outsider. Like I said, rape is never the victim's fault but I do think we can take steps to prevent some cases by being smarter and taking more responsibility for our actions before certain situations get out of control. Just use common sense and take precautions, just like you would with anything else.

Sarah - posted on 12/13/2012

I hate these type of suggestions that the way a woman is dressed influences a rapist. The fact is all ages are raped and it isn't how they are always dressed. Home invasions where rape happens, joggers being attacked, the elderly etc aren't usually dressed sexy!

I regularly travel home whilst dressed in a skirt and high heels and apart from the wolf whistle/ un invited look, I have never been attacked. However once whilst walking late at night in sneakers and sweat pants, I was followed then chased - thankfully I found a passer-by and my would-be attacker ran off in a different direction.

Xandria - posted on 06/21/2011

I've never understood how it is that rape is the only crime where the victim is asked to share part of the blame. If a rich person gets robbed no one ever asks them why they bought such nice stuff. Your car gets stolen, no one asks you why you bought such a flashy car. I live in a college town and when girls get raped here it doesn't even make the newspapers so that other girls can know to protect themselves. It's like it's more about protecting the criminal than the victim.

Women are in a lose lose situation. We are given toys at early ages, Barbie who is the epitome of sluthood, dress up clothes, and "pretend" make. Told that boys are stronger, smarter, more rational than we are. That they are more practical and above their baser instincts while we women are subject to whim and our emotions. Yet some how if a man loses control and rapes a woman. Well it couldn't be helped. We dressed to provocatively. Flirted too much. Led them on. It is somehow our fault. It is the most ass backward ideology that I have yet to be able to comprehend. Yet it persists. Because for some reason people still believe it.

We have had to wear dresses down to our ankles and up to our chin and women were still raped. We have even had to cover our hair because it was too provocative and we have still been raped. And as stated in countries where women have to wear clothing to cover everything but their eyes they still get raped. Here is a start. Blame MEN who rape women. Teach MEN to respect women. MAYBE then you can prevent rape. Until then check online for a retractable baton and pepper spray.

Sorry for my rant, had this conversation at work earlier and i'm still a little miffed.

Constance - posted on 06/21/2011

Something that I just thought about. " If women would stop dressing like sluts they won't get raped". The I would have to ask the person who made this fucked up statement. What about women in other cultures that are only allowed to show their eyes in public. They are raped just as much if not more than anywhere else. What would the explaination be then? I bet he wouldn't even have a response to this.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/21/2011

That kind of talk pisses me off you never ask for it. And people are right no matter how you dress if you are vulnerable and someone is looking for a victim you could be it, doesnt matter if you wear a little itty bitty dress or big baggy sweats. But i admit that i make sure that my step daughter dresses correctly cause she is a very thin and beautiful girl who likes to wear short tight cloths that i find inappropartate for someone her age (8). We fight about it all the time but i see the way grown men look at her. But she thinks it is funny i blame it on her mother cause that is the way she acts.

Amanda - posted on 06/16/2011

JuLeah, I agree with what you posted. As a young child I was "molested" twice. Once by my uncle and once by someone closer related than that. My uncle ended up raping three of my cousins. Anyone who wants to do this kind of disguising thing to a woman, or child no matter if it is just "touching" or rape, there is still no excuse for it and one is just as wrong as the other. and I have to say I was 5 the first time it happened to me so there is no way I was dressed inappropriate ... I hate to even think about this b/c it makes me so angry and mad....and my two sisters have never been "molested". at least not that I know of.

Laura - posted on 06/16/2011

I think its bull you know what to say that if a wo,en stops dressing slutty that she wont be raped thats not why women get raped they are raped mostly because there alone and vulnrable; and are easy targets to be attacked. I think its a harsh world out there and we have to do whatever we can to teach our children what is right and wrong. when somone rapes you it is wrong and just because the person was dressed slutty or whatever doesnt mean that its ok for someone to rape them.

Lisamarie - posted on 06/14/2011

JuLeah, thank you for the response. I totally agree with what you're saying. I was actually told once "well, at least he didn't rape" which is where I got the difference from; I was only 12/13 when I was told this.

JuLeah - posted on 06/14/2011

Lisamarie, rape is called a sex crime in this culture, so it makes sense to me that the term sexual assult was used. I just think, as we move towards ending this crime (better understanding this crime) we need to look at our choice of words.

You see a difference between sexual assult and rape?

Cause, from where I sit, if you were sexually assulted by your uncle, you were raped.

Rape doesn't always involve penetration ... hummm, interesting point .... I have spoken with folks who will say, "No, I wasn't really raped, just molested" or just fondled, or just .....

I see it as all part of the same thing .... it is still one person asserting their will and control over another. It is still about power and domination. It still leaves a person feeling .... well, you know what it leaves you feeling.

It is just as bad, just as wrong, just as much of a crime, and yet folks describe it as being less.

I heard Oprah say she doesn't like the word 'molested' becuase it makes the act sound like less of a crime. She feels, as I understood her, that it ought to be called what it is - rape.

You do give me pause with this ... hummm .... I think it part of an important conversation

Lisamarie - posted on 06/14/2011

Just to be clear, I put the sexual assault thing in my OP because I was sexually assaulted by my uncle at a very young age, so I can relate to that, I was NOT in any way trying to undermine anyone who have been raped.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/13/2011

As a survivor of rape, this pisses me off. The responsibility of this heinous act is entirely on the one who committed it. The night I was raped, I was actually wearing a loose fitting, high collar long sleeved shirt that hung down past my hips. No makeup, nothing special with my hair. I was defiantly not dressed tastefully sexy let alone slutty. This comment must be devistating to the women who have been raped it happened at a time when they were dressed to show off their features. This comment is the equivalent of saying "your body is only yours, you only have say over what you will allow to happen to it IF you keep it covered.

Constance - posted on 06/13/2011

I agree with JuLeah. Rape has absolutly nothing to do with sex. It is all about power and control. When someone is raped the rapist has complete control to make someone do exactly what they want, and the power comes from them knowing that after it is done it stays with the victom they relive the rape painfully for years. Rapist know this and they have that power because of what they have done. They get off on someone living in fear of it happening again.

For someone to blame the victim based on the way they dressed is bullshit. They need educaton on why crimes like this actually happens.

Charlie - posted on 06/13/2011

Really what about the children , the babies , the elderly , the men who are raped ...were they too sexy too ?

WTF stop giving power and excuses to these animals , rapists will rape reguardless of what the victim is wearing.

Stifler's - posted on 06/13/2011

Bah. I don't even believe that the majority of women who are raped were "dressed like sluts". Rapists like raping who they like and that is often nurses ( real nurses uniforms are not slutty no matter what porn leads you to believe), little kids (how can a kid look like a slut they have no boobs), women walking home from work, family members to feel like they have power over someone not necessarily because they are sex starved and can't get any as JuLeah has pointed out.

Johnny - posted on 06/13/2011

I have to agree with Amanda. Besides, rape is usually about power and violence, not about sex. The rapist is looking to assert authority for one reason or another. That is why it is such a popular weapon in war. To me, men who blame women for wearing the wrong clothes are just looking for an excuse.

Krista - posted on 06/13/2011

Nicely put, Amanda. There have even been some cretins out there who have raped nuns. And I don't think anybody would accuse THEM of dressing provocatively!

Amanda - posted on 06/13/2011

I think that no matter how you dress that their is always going to be rape out there! When a rapist has their mind made up no one can change them. (but God) Rape is a terrible thing, and no matter if the woman is fully clothed or not they don't deserve to go through this.

Lady Heather - posted on 06/13/2011

I totally agree with that JuLeah. Rape is it's own nasty thing and to me whenever someone calls it sexual assault it just sounds not as bad anymore.

JuLeah - posted on 06/13/2011

It is dangrous to associate the words rape and sex. We need to stop calling rape sexual abuse, or a sex crime.

Rape has nothing to do with sex.

Done both, and trust me there is a difference.

Sex is fun

Rape is about control, dominance, power, fear, and pain.

That a penis is used is an issue of convenience.

Remove a man's penis and we will rape with a flashlight, a kitchen knife, a baseball bat.

Children as young as 2 months are raped. There is nothing sexy about a two month old infant.

99 yr old women are raped. Men are raped, teens, toddlers .... this is not about sex

Amanda - posted on 06/13/2011

"I’ve been told I’m not supposed to say this,” said Constable Michael Sanguinetti during a sexual assault seminar at York University Toronto Canada on January 24, 2011. “However, women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized."



This is the statement that started the slut walk movement! Btw I walked the slut walk with my girls in my city.

Lacye - posted on 06/13/2011

I actually did a post similar to this one. It was about a police officer at a college in the States. I think that statement is very offensive towards women because they don't ask for it to happen to them. You could be fully clothed and you could still get raped.

Lady Heather - posted on 06/13/2011

The only scenario I can see this making any form of sense in is maybe a date rape drug thing in which the perpetrator is able to manipulate the potential victim a bit. But even then I think that a rapist is going to look more for vulnerability than a certain style of dress. I'm pretty sure rape isn't about finding a hot chick to sleep with and I'm pretty sure rapists don't need to see your cleavage to notice you're there.

Tara - posted on 06/13/2011

I would like to see the story regarding Canadian schools. I'm Canadian and I'm guessing if it's true at all, it's from a separate school, meaning a Catholic school.

Either way,
No I don't think how women dress determines whether or not someone will rape them nor does it imply that they are ready for raping.
I think men should be insulted by the idea that they have nothing more than the base instincts of an animal. But even animals wait until a female is in heat. (for the most part).
If I were a man I would be pissed off for anyone to assume that if I see a set of tatas in a tight tank top with a short skirt, I am going to rape the owner of said tatas.