Surrogacy for convenience?

Michele - posted on 03/26/2012 ( 86 moms have responded )

238

2

14

What do you think about using surrogates, not because of infertility, but because pregnancy is inconvenient?



Here is a quote from the second letter: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_...



"My sister-in-law is dedicated to her career and she is using a surrogate to have a baby. They are doing this because they want a biological child but my sister-in-law does not want to take time off work to have a normal childbirth."

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Mrs. - posted on 03/27/2012

1,767

6

30

"I just think that whole situation is really sad. Why have a kid if you want someone else to spend the bulk of the time raising them? I just don't get it."



I don't know, why do men routinely do the same thing and get applauded for being good providers for it? Again, what if her husband, is staying home and caring for the child? I don't see the difference....except that she doesn't want to carry the child herself and might be the breadwinner of the family?



Women traditionally have to be the ones to "give up" their bodies and periods of time in their careers because they physically carry the children. Now we have an example of a woman basically doing what a man has traditionally done, getting a woman pregnant with her child, supporting that woman working her ass off at work and preparing in her own way to become a parent. I see this as yet another option that powerful women now have that men have always had but men have it without the healthy dose of judgement about their future parenting skills.



For all we know, the husband is staying home, or her mother or a grandmother while the mother works. What is wrong with that?



Isn't the whole idea of women's rights to have "equal rights" to men? Isn't this just one more step towards this because of modern medical treatments?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/26/2012

18,908

9

3002

LOL, how lame. If she cannot take time to give birth, she is gonna make a shitty mother. I don't see her cutting down her hours to spend family time, or for special activities like school plays. That is quite a pathetic reason. She should just not have kids if it is such an inconvenience.



Edited to add* Also, if she would not take time off for her OWN delivery since it is such an inconvenience, is she going to miss the birth of her child when the surrogate delivers? Or maybe she will pay for her to have a planned c section so she can schedule around it. LOL.



I am fine with career moms. But seriously if you think kids are such an inconvenience, don't have them. Cause guess what? They are. I suppose it is all how you look at it.

[deleted account]

I don't think it's so much ridiculous as unrealistic. Children are inconvenient and they are around for a lot longer than a pregnancy. If you don't want to be pregnant because you don't want to take time off work, what are you going to do with your kid is home sick? It just reaks of someone who is not really ready to be a parent.

Mrs. - posted on 03/26/2012

1,767

6

30

Yeah, a surrogate goes in knowing the risks full well and does it because the money is worth it...



Listen, you have no idea exactly what this woman does, what her health is, what kind of meds she may/may not be on and really, it is no one's business but her own...and certainly not for her SIL to judge.



For some, childbirth is an unimaginable task and if they have the money to do it and still keep working — how is she really any different from a man who fathers a child? No one ever says all that often, shame on that father, he is working straight up until the birth and may not take any time off...they figure he's a good provider. Most people don't assume that he'll be a horrible father because he's letting his wife carry the child and working his ass of to maintain his career and well being. I don't really get the difference, besides her being a bit of an untraditional woman and being a lot like a traditional man.



Who is to say that this woman's husband isn't going to stay home with the baby? Maybe she is the main bread winner in the family and the husband is really into the domestic life.



It would be shitty for everyone to assume from what little they know of the situation that she is therefore doomed to be a bad mother who will never make time for her child. To me she sounds like a guy — a guy who would be praised for his ability to provide if he weren't a woman.



Big double standard.

Nancy - posted on 03/27/2012

1

0

0

You have got to be kidding me. I am one of eleven children, and my husband is one of twelve children. We have a daughter who did great in school, got 3 degrees in college, while nannying for 3 little boys in the morning before she went to school, and working at a grocery store in the evenings. Her and her husband have been together for 10 years, and married for two years. Both have great jobs, and just bought an amazing home. She will not be able to have a child "naturally", not because she doesn't want to be bothered by the pregnancy or the childbirth. She would give anything to be able to have a child. They would probably both give up their careers if it meant they could have a child. So get a grip, all of you ungrateful people who can have a child, but don't want to be bothered by carrying the child or giving birth. They are missing out on one of the most amazing blessing anyone could have. Once the child is born they will probably "interfere" with the parents career. I only feel sorry for the child involved here. Nancy Whaley

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

86 Comments

View replies by

Stifler's - posted on 04/03/2012

15,141

154

597

I bought an elliptical trainer and it's really helped me because it has resistance more than walking around the block and I can just use it when the kids nap with music on in the computer room.

Mrs. - posted on 04/03/2012

1,767

6

30

I've always had a gym in my apt building. I make sure that's the case when moving in because I gotta stay in shape in order to work. I also run outside, but in the winter, in Canada, for me at least, I worry about taking a header on the ice when I run..sending the jogging stroller into traffic or something. So, the gym is sometimes the better option than going outside depending where you live.



From the time I was cleared by my doc, I took my newborn in the stroller down to the gym...which is great when they can't walk and don't know what is going on.Of course, there were times when she would scream and I'd have to leave. That would suck and everyone would look at me like I was the worst mother in the world. Once they start getting mobile, it becomes a nightmare and you have to schedule your workouts according to when childcare is available. So, someone like Heidi Klum would have the advantage over someone like me on that one (and many things) too.



And I never work out for three hours, one tops. I simply don't have the childcare option. Of course, if that is something you can afford and it is you job to be model fit - more power to you. You can, indeed, be a good mom and be training to be in peak condition for your profession.

**Jackie** - posted on 04/03/2012

953

1

18

I apologize, Sherri. (BTW you go girl!!) they are, in my opinion, very expensive where I live and the ones I have been to have "out of order" machines and it just smells like sweat in there.



Every time I post it is just my opinion and I can only speak from past experiences.

Sherri - posted on 04/03/2012

9,593

15

387

Jackie they may have been a waste of time for you but not for everyone and certainly not for me. Because I joined the gym I lost over 20lbs that I wouldn't have lost without it. Also it wasn't a ton of money either.

**Jackie** - posted on 04/03/2012

953

1

18

I can't stand that gym thing. It's a waste of money! Want to lose your baby weight? Up your dose of protein foods, lower your fat intake and take your baby for a jog in the stroller! It worked for me! No need to spend tons of money to go to a gym and take time away from your child only to sit on machines that are wiped down with a paper towel and windex and listen to Katy Perry on the overhead stereo. lol sorry. I'm just sayin'

[deleted account]

FYI Heidi Klum used a version of David Kirsch's "Ultimate NY Body Plan" which includes a very strict diet and 3 hours of exercise daily--yoga, cardio, and strength--and she was able to hire him as a personal trainer. That is more time than my friend spent with clients everyday after her surrogate delivered her baby.



So, in comparison--Heidi Klum is a GREAT mom because she carried her kid and gave birth, even though she left her baby with a nanny for 3 hours a day in order to get back in shape for the runway.

My friend is a crap mom because she had a surrogate carry and deliver the baby, but only left the baby with a nanny for 2-3 hours, 3 days a week.

The way I interpret your stance, is that you think it is more important to carry the baby and give birth than to spend time with the kid after it's born. Is that correct?

Sherri - posted on 03/30/2012

9,593

15

387

Well should I have not been a mother because with my first two I dropped my kids off at daycare at 6:30am and didn't pick them up till 4:30pm 5 days a week because I had to work so I was away from them for 10hrs a day.



Also celebs work out a hell of a lot more than an hour a day to stay in shape many work out for several hours at least 5 days a week.

[deleted account]

BTW, I think the claim that Heidi Klum needs to work out "hours" a day to get back into shape is absurd. One hour, maybe two is all it really takes, and you certainly can do a lot of that with a baby.

[deleted account]

I don't really consider de-prioritizing your career as a sacrifice when weighed against the interests of a child. I think it's sad that anyone would see the time and bond with their child as the thing that is most worthy of sacrifice. You can go back to work at any time. A child only has one childhood and it doesn't last very long.

Sylvia - posted on 03/30/2012

1,315

8

31

These kinds of stories -- apparently absurd uses of ARTs -- get a lot of airtime because they seem so bizarre. Unfortunately, people read about this kind of thing (which I'm sure is EXCEEDINGLY rare) and start to believe it's common, which makes life harder for people who need ARTs for more legitimate reasons :(

Mrs. - posted on 03/30/2012

1,767

6

30

I think Laura is on point.



Well, Sal if you are just answering that question and not using the article at all for reference, why do you keep dogging on the individual mother mentioned in the artiicle?



So, if you are just answering the question



"What do you think about using surrogates, not because of infertility, but because pregnancy is inconvenient?"



And you answered it by saying:



"And I think if a woman can't be bothered giving birth they should consider if they want the reality of a baby..... if her figure can career are more important maybe she should out it off for a while as children deserve to be priority"



Why do you mention career at all if you are just answering the first question posed? That question says nothing about what the "incovenience" is. It could be a number of things not related to career. I guess you can see why it seems you are doing more than just answering the one question...



The idea that a woman has to sacrifice her career and body in order to be a good mother seems a bit flawed. To me, my mother making her career a priority meant I had an awesome role model of a strong working woman. Then there are women who barely show and pop right back into shape after the baby comes, are they less of a mother because their bodies are like rubber bands? I mean, they didn't sacrifice their bodies all that much, by your logic, that makes them less of a mother because they didn't end up with a big stomach or stretch marks.



Children deserve to be priorities, it is true. However, different women have different ideas of balancing those priorities.



I'm just happy that no one is out there deciding who should be a mother based on the ideas that she has to have sacrificed her body and her career to be a good one. Think of all the strong career women, adoptive moms, surrogate users, foster parents and Zeus' conquests would no longer be parents. That would be really sad.

Isobel - posted on 03/30/2012

9,849

0

282

I say it`s none of my business how your baby comes to your family. Adopt, Surrogate, Birth, Being tricked by Zeus into doing it with a swan...whatever floats your boat.

Sal - posted on 03/30/2012

1,816

16

33

The question was "what do you think of using surrogants not for intetilty but for convience?.'

And I think if a woman can't be bothered giving birth they should consider if they want the reality of a baby..... if her figure can career are more important maybe she should out it off for a while as children deserve to be priority

DoubleA - posted on 03/30/2012

76

2

4

Also maybe it's just not her time to be a parent. If she doesn't want to take off work because of loosing clients. Then she is not ready to be a mom. She's still all for her career. A lot of pregnant moms work up until the day they deliver. And me personally as I got bigger and bigger I had certain restrictions that I gave to myself so I didn't harm my child. I was still able to work until the day before I had my child. And it may not be as hard as a personal trainer but it was hard work.and there's ways to work around everything.

DoubleA - posted on 03/30/2012

76

2

4

First off I wish I would have thought about this before my two kids!!! What a perfect way to keep ur body! And not have saggy grandma boobs and a saggy kangaroo pouch at 25! And my horrible csection scars! (semi sarcastic) yeah all that stuff would be nice but havin ur child inside ur stomach and feeling her move and kick and her heartbeat and feeling her grow inside you is one of the best feelings in the entire world. To give this up because it's an inconvience is ridiculous!!!! And they should not be having a child. Her job is her number one priority and I doubt that will ever change. I work for my kids. And that's the only reason. Haha.

Mrs. - posted on 03/30/2012

1,767

6

30

Sal, I think you know I meant the facts about what it is like to work in an industry where you are not hired when pregnant and don't get jobs when overweight afterwards, since you were are arguing that any workplace that did that would be brought into court....but I think you know that. I meant if you have some experience in thoses industries or have friend who does, and have experienced the attitude and can speak with authority about them. I also gave examples of well known performers who had their own pregnancies affect their careers and Kelly gave an example of her friend (who you keep insisting isn't an apt example or a crappy mother...but whateves).



"And you are right a father who pays bills but spends no time with the baby is a crap parent"



We are not talking about a woman or man who we know is not going to spend time with their baby. The only facts we know, from the article, is that she is an involved aunt and isn't going to be their for the birth — that's it. I agree, not spending any time with you child is not good. Do you know something we don't know or can you admit that there is nothing in the article that says she is not planning on spending time with her baby after the birth? That is your assumption based on the last fact of the article. I disagree and others disagree that this is bound to happen based on the little facts we know. Kelly has also given you a real world example of a person she knows who was in a very similar situation and turned out to be a good mom. I have also given you a few examples of expectations and situations that could happen in industries that are a bit different from the norm where this arrangement would be suitable.



And yeah, it is a joke that you compared a regular working model to Heidi Klum...or any regular working performer to her. She's a gazillionaire with mutant genes. She is even the exception to many of her supermodel peers. It is a bit like saying models should have no problem getting work as their body/face changes with age because look at Cindy Crawford (who is obviously a vampire, has amazing aging genes or has the most excellent surgeon). Not everyone ages like Cindy and not everyone looks as great as Heidi after they give birth.

[deleted account]

Heidi Klum? Seriously, you are comparing my middle class, single mom friend to a supermodel...yea.

You do realize that Heidi Klum has to spend several hours EVERY DAY working out to get her body back into that shape, right? So, it is okay for her to leave her baby with a nanny to go workout, because she carried the baby and gave birth to it, but it is not okay for my friend to leave her baby with a nanny to go see a client because she didn't carry and give birth to the baby. Jeeze.

Furthermore, I didn't say she felt she couldn't work after giving birth, I said she felt she couldn't work to her full potential while pregnant. She's not a supermodel, she's just a regular woman who does magazine fashion shoots. She chose to continue working through the pregnancy (by using a surrogate) in order to have MORE time with the baby once it arrived. Had she taken her pregnancy off, she would have been forced to hit the gym for hours a day after the birth in order to get back in shape for her career, but this way, she got to stay home more with the baby.

She also couldn't do her personal training while pregnant. She trains professional athletes and works hard with them--beyond the physical limitations of pregnancy. Her clients weren't going to settle for less from her for 9 months so she could have a baby; they would go hire someone who exercise their full potential--they compete, they have to be the best of the best whether their trainer is pregnant or not, and if she is, they won't be.



Furthermore, my friend doesn't work 40+ hours a week. Are all parents who do crap parents? As I recall, 40 hours is a pretty standard work week--not everyone wants to be a sahm parent.

What about military parents who cannot be home for the birth of their children or the time right after? Are they crap too.

Jakki - posted on 03/30/2012

731

11

26

Has anybody mentioned the issue of bonding with your baby in utero? I see the process of pregnancy as a time when mother and child get used to each other in preparation of the next 18 years of closeness. It isn't something you can pay someone else to do for you.



And what would happen if the baby was SEVERELY disabled - how would the biological mother react? Maybe tempted to wash her hands of the baby, seeing as she has no physical bond with it?

[deleted account]

To busy to carry her own baby in her womb, will she be to busy to care for the baby after the surrogate delivers?



There are so many women who would die for the chance to carry there own baby in there womb and give birth, i find it so sad.I hope she sees sense.



Each day i carried my babys i was so thankful and blessed i could do that and the experience and bond was amazing.

Who would not want to experience that? , that could.I respect there are mothers who can't but this woman can and won't.

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

1,816

16

33

Rebecca Three Apart from a tiny bit where you said you were an actress and actually gave birth I can't seem to find an actual example you have given of an actual person who had used a surrogate for convience a lot of what if's senarios but no actual facts (sorry skimming over on my iPhone while waiting for kids at school) post them up for me again and I'll gladly have a look



But I did find your quote about how we are jealous that we cant afford a surrogate and had to give birth myself.. Yeah that's it, and you though Heidi klum was s joke.... And I mentioned her as kellys friend felt she couldn't model after giving birth



And you are right a father who pays bills but spends no time with the baby is a crap parent, a mum who falls preg by accident and has the baby and spends no time with it is a crap parent I don't care what sex you are or how you get said baby, Just remember you bought the child into your family treat it like it is on the top of your todo list not something you squeeze in when you have time, like watching the whole back catalogue of desperate house wives or cleaning the car

Mrs. - posted on 03/29/2012

1,767

6

30

Don't see myself as obsessed and it seems several people actually agree with the point I'm making. I see you don't, we can disagree on that and several other points.



Yeah, and most guys don't have to hire a surrogate to carry their child....they just use their penis.



What about a father who could not be present due to heavy work obligations? He is not going to be there for the birth, but will be there afterward and will foot the entire bill — would you question his right to be a father? If you still would, then we disagree about what makes a good parent. I don't think it is about what happens on the day of birth, it is actually about what happens afterward. I believe that this is not all that important and I also believe that a woman doing this gets more heat than a man in a comparable position (and it seems a lot of the posts here validate that belief).



Besides, if you would prefer this thread have no debate, I can always leave and just let it be a venting thread about some hypothetical mother's decisions and how crappy you know she must be. I just think discussing the differing view I might have from you might be a bit more interesting...hell, it has kept you writing.

[deleted account]

Rebecca Three -- you seem to be obsessed about turning this into the role of fathers. This isn't about the role of fathers -- it's about the role of a mother who doesn't want to carry and deliver a baby because of her work obligations. I would question a single father who hired a surrogate to carry a baby under the same circumstances. If you can't take time off work to care for a child, then you need to re-question being a parent. Otherwise, just adopt a kid when it's 18 and ready to go off to college.

Mrs. - posted on 03/29/2012

1,767

6

30

As I said in another thread- performers, models, independent contractors work independently. If I'm going to audition for the same roles and same projects at 7 months pregnant that I did when not pregnant - I am not going to get that job. As I said earlier as well, no one is all that interested in hiring real pregnant women, they are a liability on set...they just hire a non-pregnant actress and strap a belly on her.



So your assertion that any workplace that would discriminate against a pregnant woman would have their butts in court does not apply to all occupations. It is a generalization that works in many situations, but not all.



I'm curious, Sal, why do you insist on making assertions about someone's model mommy friend from another poster and the other examples given by me about the people I know who do these other jobs (including myself)? Do you have a lot of experience working within those industries (I'm not being sarcastic, I actually want to know)?

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

1,816

16

33

I find the not allowed by her work place arguent a crock, anywork place that would discriminate against a pregnant woman would have their buts in court before you could say before you could say gender equality....

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

1,816

16

33

I find the not allowed by her work place arguent a crock, anywork place that would discriminate against a pregnant woman would have their buts in court before you could say before you could say gender equality....

Mrs. - posted on 03/29/2012

1,767

6

30

"have we become so feminist a gender that we can't have our own kids if we're making our own money?"



Being a feminist is all about having the options, the same options as men are able to exercise. It is all about having more choices. Because the medical community has made surrogacy possible, women now have the option to do what men have been doing for years. I'd say that is progress. That means if you feel that you would rather get pregnant, stay home for a bit and then go to work — you can! If you would like to be a SAHM, you can. If you would like to pay a surrogate to have you child while you make a large amount of money or for whatever reason you like, you can. It is all about having more options and more opportunities.



What I think is sad is that it seems women are intent to judge someone for making a choice that is unusual but completely valid if she were a man. More opportunities for one woman without judgement from her peers, often means more opportunities for all women, IMO.



The Heidi Klum thing is a joke. Wouldn't it be nice if we all had Heidi Klum's body, money and the ability to bounce back. Just because someone is a model, personal trainer, actor or whatever — doesn't mean they can take off weight like her. I mean look at Jessica Simpson now and take a picture of Heidi Klum at 8 months pregnant....night and day. Take a look at Mariah Carey post babies, she is not as thin as she once was, nor is Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Pink, Milla Jovovich is back to normal but she was a huge pregnant lady and took her time getting her body back - I mean there are way more examples of people in the entertainment industry who do not look as thin afterward, have big periods of time where they don't work after having the baby and never get back the status they once had pre-motherhood (Do you ever see Jessica Alba around much anymore? She used to be everywhere).



I mean those are also famous people and not every actor, model or working personal trainer is famous. If you don't have that clout or fame, you are what walks into the room and I can tell you work is very limited for pregnant women or people who are out of shape (especially if you are a model!)



The truth is we don't know the fine details of this women's life, except that she is supportive of her nieces/nephews, she has hired a surrogate for reasons outside infertility and has invited the surrogate to meet her family at a party, she isn't taking time off for the childbirth and her SIL sounds a bit judgemental — other than that we know nothing. The rest of it, the judgement about her being a bad mother...sorry nothing anyone has said has convinced me you have any information or insight beyond disagreeing with not being at the birth and assuming she will make a bad mother because of it. I don't agree that this automatically makes her a bad mother in the future and offered dozens of for instances that might explain the choice. It is really that simple.

[deleted account]

now i do have to say not everybody has a body like Heidi Klum to recover so quickly after pregnancy so that was a moot point as well.



as for being able to work during and after pregnancy, i have to say i'd rather be working full time during pregnancy and then take off a couple months after (which i did with my first but won't be able to with my second) because i honestly believe the most bonding you have with your child is AFTER it is born. sure, the womb is very close, but you don't get to see the baby, or hold it, or feed it. It automatically gets all its needs from you during those first 40 or so weeks, then when it's born it NEEDS you even more because it is helpless.



i personally think that if you truly want to have a family, then you should either have a child yourself and find a different profession, or adopt. i don't think it's fair to the mother that she has to work in a profession where she can't even be pregnant. pregnancy isn't ALL bad; i've had my ups and downs with both of mine but still, it does suck that she's working in a place where being pregnant and womanly seems frowned upon. have we become so feminist a gender that we can't have our own kids if we're making our own money? that just seems bogus to me.



that's assuming that her workplace rejects the idea of pregnancy and THAT is why she's wanting a surrogate. but if it's also because she doesn't think her body will handle pregnancy and that stretch marks will ravage her stomach and she won't be able to lose the weight, then i still think she should adopt and give an otherwise homeless child a family, instead of bring another baby into this already overpopulated world through more unorthodox means.

Beth - posted on 03/29/2012

178

0

8

Well, I do think it's a little ridiculous for a person so focused on work to think they will have the time or energy to raise a child. But, if someone is willing to put up the cash, and that's really how they want to do it, then *shrug*.

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

1,816

16

33

And yes rebecca if you adopt because you can't be bothered to carry a baby bring it home the. slip straight back to full time work with a live In nanny I do question why you are having the child at all, the people I know who adopt do take time off work or become Sahm parents because they went through the process to be a parent to love and nurture a child who needed them not just to have. Photo on their desk at work

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

1,816

16

33

Heidi klum seems to be able to pop out kids and then modle bikinis so I think your point is mute, and a coffee or date nights don't take you out of your home and away from your children 40 plus hours a week week in and week, yes popping out an hour to see a client does fit in with that if you have 1 client an hour a week, or do it at night when bub is asleep, you to t need s full time live in nanny to pull that off,

The op was about our opinion of surrogancy for convenience not the legal right to do it

Chelsey - posted on 03/29/2012

188

0

26

Hell if she can afford it why not? I hate being pregnant. Having constant backpain, migraines, high blood pressure, not being able to sleep for the whole pregnancy and having to pee every 20 minutes does not make me a better mother.

[deleted account]

So did you take the entire 9 months you were pregnant off from work? I ask because it was impossible for her to continue working while she was pregnant. She had someone carry the child so that she would have more time with the child after he was born. I don't see how carrying the child is so much more important than being with it after it's born.

Would you say it would have been a better choice for her to take 9 months off to carry the baby, 6 weeks after the birth, then go back to work full time (and it would have been VERY full time because she would have needed to get her body back before accepting modeling positions and that would require at least 4 hours a day in addition to training clients)?



I don't understand why it's okay to pop out for coffee or a date night, but it's not okay to pop out for a meeting with a client--it's all the same as far as the baby is concerned.

Mrs. - posted on 03/29/2012

1,767

6

30

"if you won't (not "can't") take time off work for a pregnancy or a delivery, then why are you having kids at all?"





I guess all adoptive parents shouldn't be having kids at all either.



Maybe, this future mother is more interested in mothering than in how the kid gets there. Not everyone loves the "huge blessing" of childbirth, I know I didn't — that doesn't make you a good mother or a bad mother, it is an opinion that has no effect on your ability as a mother.



And again, for eons, men have been not taken or work for pregnancy or delivery and still bothered to be fathers. Back when this was the norm, no one would ask that man why they are having kids at all. I mean a lot of fathers are stationed abroad or work overseas, or on a friggin oil rig and they will not be present for the birth or pregnancy of their children. Are those men assumed to be bad fathers before the kid even arrives because of what they do? Are they given the same amount of scrutiny by their peers that seems to be seeping out here?

Stacy - posted on 03/29/2012

19

0

1

I don't think she should be having a child as she is showing that her career is more important. She seems selfish. I already feel bad for the kid.

[deleted account]

Surrogacy for hire is illegal in Michigan and in many, many states in the US, so it's not accurate to say it's available anywhere for any reason.



Sal - I 100% agree with everything you've said.



I still think it comes back down to my original point -- if you won't (not "can't") take time off work for a pregnancy or a delivery, then why are you having kids at all? I feel so sad for children who don't have the benefit of the consistent, full time presence of a parent in their lives. It's one thing if Mom or Dad has to work; it another to go into a pregnancy planning to have things that way because you don't want to mess up your career.

[deleted account]

Kelly -- I'm a stay at home mom now, so no, I don't spend "a lot more time than that away from" my children. I'm with them 24/7.

Sally - posted on 03/29/2012

1

0

0

I think this is a personal choice. But she is missing a huge blessing by not giving birth to her own child. A unique bonding experience takes place with carrying a child and giving birth. I married an older man who already had children and thought I would not have children, just love and help raise his. He convinced me that I was missing something special by not having my own. So we had two daughters together. He Was SOO RIGHT! Was a blessing to share such love.

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

1,816

16

33

And finally for the legal aspect just because something is legal doesn't automatically mean that everyone should go out and do it straight away, making it legal means people who need to can do it with out breaking anylaws doesn't mean we should all give it a go.... As the saying goes just because you CAN do it doesn't mean you SHOULD do it...

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

1,816

16

33

And to de devote part of her attention to other things is not quiet the same as getting someone else to carry your baby. Give birth to your baby, as in your example have a 24-7 live in care giver and cut back her work load a little, I can't imagine why an example like that hasn't endered me to the idea of surrogancy as a convince, it makes the baby seem like z fashion accessory she saw In Marie Clair and OMG if was just so cute I have to get one,

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

1,816

16

33

There is a huge difference between wanting to pop out for a coffee or date night and not being bothered to take time off to give birth.... And maybe you are right we don't become selfless as soon ad we become pregnant... That's why hsving 9 months carrying the baby, losing our figures and having to have the odd unplanned day off work I'd really good training ground to motherhood....

[deleted account]

"surrogancy is a gift for people who can't have a baby, not a commodity to be abused by people who feel they cant take time off work or want to keep their figures in tact."--Sal



I'm just wondering what gives you the authority to decide who should and should not use a surrogate. As I recall, in most countries it is legal for ANYONE to use a surrogate for ANY reason. Why should this mom have to justify her reasons.

Also, I have lots of self centered desires, and I'm still a wonderful mother. When I gave birth, I didn't suddenly become this selfless person who has no desires of my own. In fact, TONS of posts on COMs are about mothers who feel guilty for wanting time for themselves--they should NOT feel guilty for that!!! It is moms who say things like that that make them feel bad about caring about anything other than their kid. It does not make a woman a bad parent to devote part of her attention to something that just makes HER happy.

Charlie - posted on 03/29/2012

11,203

111

401

I personally wouldn't but I couldn't care less if someone else does.

As long as they care , love and nurture their child then so be it.

Sal - posted on 03/29/2012

1,816

16

33

i don't get it myself, i do find statements such as 'she makes time for the baby' a little sad, like meme said you don't have your social life, your proferssional life, your 'me time' then pencil in time with your baby, it really works the other way around, do all your mummy duty then get me time when you can, if you only have a few hours a week to spare do you really have time to be a parent, these are little people, living breathing loving caring needy little people, they deserve to be a priority not side thought, they aren't a new accessory or even a pet....\nbut what does stun me is we live in a world where a mum gets blasted for choosing to bottle feed people see no problem with getting some one else to give birth for them....surrogancy is a gift for people who can't have a baby, not a commodity to be abused by people who feel they cant take time off work or want to keep their figures in tact.....they are both very self centered desires, and that's not the best quality for a mum

Mrs. - posted on 03/28/2012

1,767

6

30

Well, Rebecca, I took off work for pregnancy...I'm an actor and pregnant actors don't work, it is too much of a liability unless you are Julia Roberts or something. I believe in the case of Kelly's friend who is a model, she would have had to do the same thing. In professions where people have to be professionally attractive (not my term, I read it in The Girlfriend's Guide for Pregnancy when they spoke about the difficulties for women who have to maintain a certain look for a profession) or at least a strict physical type (personal trainers, models, athletes..etc) the time taken off for the pregnancy makes a huge dent in the money you make and the trajectory of your career.



Perhaps this woman works in one of those industries. If she does, having a surrogate takes on the physical bulk of the pregnancy makes sense...that still doesn't mean she isn't involved with the surrogate and excited for the pregnancy. In fact, it looks like she is planning a shower with the surrogate and inviting her family to meet her BTW.



So for a lot of people the "pregnancy" and the actual "childbirth" are two separate things. They are actually two separate things, otherwise we'd use the same word for them. Especially, when it comes to using a surrogate, they are two separate happenings.



" If you are making your career a "priority", then your child is, by default, not a priority."



Yeah, my mother is CEO of a huge non-profit organization. She was always working or going to school when I was a child. She always made her career a priority and I'm glad she did. I think women can focus on many priorities at a time and balance them the best they can. I know my mother did.



The other jacked up thing about that statement is that if you applied it to a man who's wife was staying home to care for the child or who was a single dad....everyone would ask you why you are saying such a mean thing about that man who is just trying to provide for his family and be a good father.



Just because you could afford a surrogate but chose not to, that in itself does not affect what kind of parent you are in the same way it doesn't affect this lady because she chose the opposite. The thing that determines wether you are a good working mother is the actual parenting after the child comes into the world, not if you were present for the kid dropping out of your vagina or if you dropped your career to enjoy the joys of childbirth or pregnancy.



Now if you told me this woman did a bunch of crappy things after the baby came into the world, that is a whole different story. However, this woman hasn't done that yet and, for me, at least I'd reserve judgement until that were to happen.

Alysia - posted on 03/28/2012

1

0

0

Personally, its my opinion that she is cutting herself short. The birthing process alone is the most intimate moments between a mother and child. What is this world coming to, if we as societies teach our children to take an easier route. Its like lipo, we all want perfect bodies but are to lazy to work for it.



Whats best for me isnt for everyone.

[deleted account]

Rebecca K, I never said she didn't take time off work during the first 6 weeks, I said "She did not stay home for 6 weeks after, but she did cut back her work to make time for the baby." She actually took quite a lot of time off during the first year--she put modeling almost completely on hold, and reduced her physical training clients to a minimum, which cut her working hours to about 20-25 hours a week. As a full time lawyer, I'm sure you spend a lot more time than that away from your children, right?

[deleted account]

@ Rebecca Three -- I don't know any moms who take time off work for "pregnancy" -- you take time off for the delivery. There is no distinction between taking time off for a "pregnancy" vs. the "childbirth", so I'm not really sure what your point on that one is. The terms are interchangeable IMHO.



Hate to break it to you, but I easily could have afforded an army of surrogates to carry all four of my children --- as a full time lawyer I make many times the fee paid to a surrogate. If you are making your career a "priority", then your child is, by default, not a priority.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms