Swinging

Sara - posted on 11/12/2009 ( 39 moms have responded )

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What are your thoughts on couple swinging? Would you ever try it? Do you think you can have a healthy relationship/marriage that involves swinging? Ever known any swingers?

I have a been to a swingers club (did not participate), it was a little weird, not really my scene. But, I think that swinging can work in a relationship, but it would take some serious honesty and openness to make it successful. I have known 2 couples that swing (swung?) and it seemed to me that it was generally the man's idea and that the women were exploited a little by their own husbands in order to get what the husband wanted. Neither was a good situation.

Anyway...thoughts?

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Rachel - posted on 02/16/2010

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I dont have a problem with it at all. I think it can be very healthy for a marriage/relationship if both party's have given consent.



Ok i know a couple who started swinging because they had been together since grade 8 at high school, they were each others firsts and only partners and they had been together for 32 yrs but the one thing that both of them regretted was the fact that they had not been intimate with anyone else at all. They decided to give swinging a go and well they thought it was great, they had fun and neither of them slpept with anyone else unless their partners were involved and neither of them have cheated on the other because it's something that they share together sexually. Now they are only a few short weeks away from renuing their vowes and they could'nt be happier and more secure and they have both said that if they had'nt started swinging their relationship whould have died but instead it's been born again and they are more in love now then what they were when they first got married.



My hubby and i have also been on the swinging seen and well it's been nothing but benefical to our relationship, my hubby has never strayed and neither have i because we dont have a need to.



I have a question for Christa Lammers, how is it cheating if ur partner know's and is there participating with you??? I am not a hypocrite and i take offence at that concidering my hubby and i are always open and honest about what we want and dont want for our marriage and what we need from each other, it's not a case of getting from elsewhere it's simply something that we both enjoy doing with each other. Now we dont swing all the time or everytime we have sex but once every 6 months or so we have found it to be great for our marriage it gives us something to talk about and to fantasies about with each other. I can tell you that the people that i know who swing including me and my hubby have good honest relationships, there good and honest because there is no secrets and well it keeps the spark alive.



It works for us, and i can say it may not work for some, jelous people, insecure people should just never go there because it will always end in tears because one or both will end up thinking that the other is straying and well thoughts like that only lead to one place, Divorce.

Jenny - posted on 11/12/2009

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I have tried it in the past with my current partner. It was fun and had it's place. There was no bad feelings or ill will and still isn't. There have been no jealousy issues. I wouldn't want it to be a regular occurance or anything but I would probably do it again in the future given the right circumstances.

~Jennifer - posted on 11/12/2009

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....if I had wanted to continue having different sex partners, I wouldn't have gotten married and taken the vows I did......you know....that whole 'loyal / faithful' clause they throw in there?

=)

I mean, what would you promise? ' I promise to love, honor and cherish you and just fuck anyone you might want to see me with for as long as we both shall live"?

"I promise to let you bang any piece of tail you might find attractive"?

No thanks, not for me.

If it works for 'you', well, rock on with your bad self.

Farrah - posted on 05/03/2010

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Hell no!!! Firstly I couldn't handle it if Ash was sexually involved with someone other than me I would go mental wondering if he had feelings for that person, or if he enjoyed it more than he does with me, I would be out of my mind with jelousey. Also what is the point of making a vow to someone if you are going to break it. I honestly don't believe that swingers can be truly happy in their marriages if they are doing this- If you were truly happy with your partner and had a good sex life why would you want to jepordise that?

C. - posted on 05/03/2010

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Um, well.. It's not something that I could ever do no matter what circumstances I was in. It pretty much goes against what I believe, so I just couldn't bring myself to do it b/c I'd probably feel like crap afterwards. And I don't really see the point in spicing up your sex life with someone other than your SO, either.. But maybe that's just me.

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Hannah - posted on 05/05/2010

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I couldn't do it either. It would be way too weird to see my husband with another woman and I can't even imagine myself with another man.

Celia - posted on 05/04/2010

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Thanx Jenny... I think so too :D
And I can imagine you guys rockin out at some concert in your 80's togeather even if you swing the whole way there ;)

Jenny - posted on 05/04/2010

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That would never happen Celia, you two are a perfect fit. We all make no effort to imagine you old together on the porch in your rocking chairs, reading books and holding hands.

Celia - posted on 05/04/2010

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nope not for me. I'm fine with other people thinking its ok in their relationship but I know how my sexuality works and I only lust after other men when the relationship I am in is on the outs already. So its just not fair in my books if I'm not lusting then he cant go screwing someone else either!

That and I'm just right sexy and great in bed, and so is he, so really there is no point... ;)

As for saying its cheating to swing I'd say not at all because cheating says your going against the relationship rules and if swinging is in the rules then its all systems go!

My guy knows its not in the rules and he ever dipped his stick in another engine I'd kick his ass to the curb right away, because that would be the end of his hotness for sure in my eyes.

Suzette - posted on 05/03/2010

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There's no way my husband and I could do this, we talked to another couple who had a threesome before they were married and we both agree that when couples do things like that (married or not) it *can* (not always) lead to problems in the relationship. We are also secure and happy with our life the way it is. If we want to spice things up, there are toy shops (that have allll kinds of things lol) online and all around that we could pick up to try.



That being said, I've met swingers before who have long and happy marriages/relationships together. I've known a couple who got divorced, and a couple who have been married for over 30 years. I think that in order to do something like this both people (not just one) have to be all for it and be completely supportive of one another. Trust, respect, and open communication is essential in any relationship, but for this to work both people need to be 100% in agreement without insecurity and jealousy. If there's even an ounce of that there then it is likely to cause problems. And the couple I'd known that was married for over 30 years had been doing this for about 15 and they had a 'regular' couple that they did this with, not multiple couples, just the one. Perhaps that's the key to staying strong in this lifestyle. Either way, it wouldn't work for us, it'd go against everything we believe in with our vows. If it works for others I'm in no place to judge. =)

Emma - posted on 05/03/2010

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I personally could never do this, the thought of my hubby having sex with another woman makes my flesh crawl if you want to sleep with more than 1 person just don't get married stay signal.

I did know a couple who tried this and it ended in devoice, hubby suggested it then talked the wife into it, she tried and was hooked he got jealous, as she wanted sex more from other men than him.

I think this is Pandora's box and once opened there is no closing it,

I don't think is wrong if that's what the couple want to do but i think most don't get what they bargained for

Tiffany - posted on 03/01/2010

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Swinging is not for me and is definitely not something that would work in our relationship but if it does for someone else more power to them. My aunt's younger brother and his wife have been doing it for years and it works for them. I know them very well and know that it was a decision they made together(not just him or just her)...their marriage is great. I think as long as both parties are enjoying theirselves and nobody is getting hurt then who am I to judge?

[deleted account]

That is pretty funny Michele that people are making it seem that they are missing something because they don't want to have multiple sex partners when they have made a monogomous commitment to another... :) ...makes me smile to think that is possibly considered a flaw in one's charachter :) LOL

Michele - posted on 02/18/2010

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In response to some of the comments about those who choose not to swing being insecure or unconfident. This is seems to be a common swinger defense mechanism and it personally offends me. I've noted before I respect any choice a couple makes, it's their choice and no one's business. However, do not assume that monogomous couples are insecure or not confident in their relationships. One could argue that those who make that choice are more confident and secure in their relationship because they choose to exercise self control and place their relationship and bond over , I guess sexual experimentation.



Moreover, their are plenty of sexually experimental activities that couples can participate in that would definately challenge one's confidence, lol. Swinging is just a sexual preference like any other nothing more. Be confident in your sexual choices as a couple regardless of what they may be.



Again, to each their own, but let's be objective on both sides k.

Michele - posted on 02/18/2010

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I have to tell you. I'm very open minded and to each her own but my personal opinion is it's veeeerrry tricky ground. I'm hearing you say you feel women were exploited and you didn't feel it was a good situation. Boundaries need to be very, very clear.



On a personal note, I've known a few couples who were swingers . Over the years all were divorced except one and they are almost obsessed with it. They spend all they're free time on line trying to "hook up". No more anything unless you participate in their lifestyle. I see it as cultish. I don't know it may seem fun at first, but I've never seen any good come from it. My opinion.

Michelle - posted on 02/17/2010

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Ok. First-- I don't know if we'll ever try it. Cody and I have been together for five years now, we met and started dating in high school. I was his first, he was not mine. I would consider doing it if we were safe about it and once our son and any future children were older, and given the right circumstances. I don't know if it would work for us now though, we'd probably need to wait a few years to grow our relationship a little more.



Second-- the person who was talking about it affecting kids was not saying that it's bad parenting or anything like that. I think her point was more that you don't know what it could do to your relationship. You might think you won't get jealous and freak out, do it, and then lose your shit and turn into a psycho bitch. You just don't really know how it will go, and if you have a good relationship and a solid family life, you're putting your kids' lives on the line for your sex life. I agree with the woman who said that was wrong. It doesn't affect your kids *directly*, they're not going to be messed up because you and your husband had a discreet, well-executed swinging lifestyle. But if you can't pull it off and your relationship is screwed up, that does affect your kids.



Third-- Jennifer, I just heard about a story on the radio where a couple was swinging, The couple would be Man A and Woman A, and the outside could Man B and Woman B. Man A and Woman A decided that he would not actually have penetrative intercourse with Woman B, so they had sex and then Womans A and B did their thing. Woman B is now pregnant with Man A's child because his sperm was transferred during the two womans' interactions. Now, technically it is Man A's child, BUT Woman A is the one who actually impregnated Woman B. Now they are trying to decide who gets to pay child support, because A couple is *shocker* getting a divorce. And that's why you use a condom if you're gonna swing.



I'm not saying that all swingers will get a divorce. It can be done. But by and large it doesn't work, I don't think.

Jennifer - posted on 02/17/2010

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I would hope that people who swing use the proper protection to prevent getting STDs, which would preclude causing pregnancy, too.

I believe that as long as both partners are equally willing participants, there's nothing wrong with it. I think there is a level of genetic variability that drives people to want a single sex partner or multiple sex partners, just like the hetero-bi-homosexual spectrum. Personally, I wouldn't be able to do it.

[deleted account]

I think it is interesting that never having sex with another person is something someone would regret...I mean if you never had sex period that'd be one thing, but just because you've only had sex w/one person :( huh...it doesn't bother me and I could die happily saying that my husband is the only person I've ever slept with...



With that being said, I personally think that this should be left to people who are unable to procreate, because how weird would that be to father/mother your neighbor's child, or just not know? Reminds me of that one Two and a Half Men episode where Charlie's mom was trying to keep him from sleeping with that girl that his father could have helped produce...so weird...

Krista - posted on 02/16/2010

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Swinging definitely isn't my cup of tea, and I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to sexual matters. But, if a couple wants to do that, and BOTH parties are enthusiastic, safe, and continue to communicate well with each other to make sure that nobody's growing tired of the scene and just going along to get along, then giddyup and go swing with your bad self. What other people do behind closed doors is none of my beeswax.

Lisa - posted on 02/16/2010

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Well its not for me but then again I never was good at sharing lol. I guess it could work if you are really secure with yourselves but I'm sure not.

[deleted account]

Eh. I know some poeple who are swingers, some who are polyamorous, some who are into the S/M scene, and some who are into more traditional sex. I think that whatever works, works. It's not my place to tell someone else how their relationship should work.

Personally I don't think I could do it-I'm far too jealous of a person. But provided all parties are willing participants and understand what they're getting into, why not?

And as for it being irresponsible parenting...Bullshit. As long as mom and dad aren't jumping into bed with Sue and Steve in front of little Jimmy (i.e. they keep their sex life discreet and private, as should all parents in front of their children) then it's a non-issue as far as parenting goes.

Christa - posted on 11/14/2009

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I just don't get it!! If you are married and committed to one person.....having sex with someone else is cheating...I don't care if they know about it or not...it would be cheating!! Sounds like a hypocrite to me. If you can be that open & honest with your spouse....talk them about your needs.....maybe you wouldn't have to find it elsewhere. I just can't see how this could be a honest good thing for a marriage........

Isobel - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Kelly:

  The waitresses had to wear rubber gloves and practically haz-mat suits to clean up some areas. Taking drink orders from girls bent over with guys lining up to F$ck them was something that made me thankful I was behind the bar.


There's no button for ewwwwww  :P

[deleted account]

I really can't judge a lifestyle that 2 consenting married adults participate in. As long as they are law abiding citizens, then it does not effect me or my family. I have seen a few documentaries on swinging and it seems that communication & trust is the basis of a strong relationship. Just because a couple choses to swing in the privacy of their bedroom (or club) why does that make them a bad parent? I think that is quite judgemental of someone's parenting becase they chose multiple sex partners. I highly doubt that a swinging couple is flaunting a sexual lifestyle in front of children. Most swinging couples are discreet and could be the PTO president for all you know! Drunks, druggies, and abusers are far worse parents than swingers, IMO. But as for a lifestyle for me & my hubby, we talk about it as one of our fantasies-but nothing that will ever become a reality.

Kelly - posted on 11/13/2009

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I worked as a bartender in a couple swingers clubs for a few years. While I met many nice people, I never felt the urge to even consider the lifestyle. Some of the things I witnessed were not only degrading, they were flat out disgusting. To me it seemed that some were in the club to just completely whore around. There is nothing magic or special about mounting each other with an audience. There were those who used the club to meet people, and they would leave with other couples. If that floats your boat, go for it. But some were completely too uninhibited. It was disgusting to clean the club when it closed. The waitresses had to wear rubber gloves and practically haz-mat suits to clean up some areas. Taking drink orders from girls bent over with guys lining up to F$ck them was something that made me thankful I was behind the bar. And I worked in an off-site club, which meant that technically no sex was supposed to take place in the club. It was definitely an eye-opening experience. I agree with most of the earlier posts, if you want to be free to screw a bunch of people, why get married? I love my husband and could not imagine him being with anyone else, or watching me with anyone else. NOT my idea of a relationship building experience.

Johnny - posted on 11/13/2009

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Not for me. I'm just not that interested in being with other men. I'm not really the jealous type, so it isn't about that. I'm happy with my hubby and my imagination and I don't need anyone else. Plus, I'd find it awkward as a parent, what would you tell your kids if they found out?

That being said, we have close friends who are swingers. They got married 12 years ago and have been swinging for about 6 years. They have one of the happiest marriages of anyone I know. When we go out with the girls, she's the one who never complains about her partner. He is madly in love with her and it's completely obvious, and she is with him, they just like having sex with others. My husband and I have actually learned a lot from them about how to build a strong relationship and have good communication. When we went through a rough patch, they were there to help us grow stronger together (and they never have suggested that we try swinging).

I thing it is perfectly fine if you are doing it for the right reasons and have a solid foundation in your relationship. But if either party has doubts or you are doing it to "fix" the relationship, it's going to be a disaster. And swingers are not cheating by swinging IMO, but swingers can cheat just like anyone else. If your partner is a dog, they'll be that way whether you are in the "lifestyle" or not. You can be committed to sharing a life together and happy to include other people in the sexual part of that life. Just like my husband and I see separate movies. Getting married doesn't mean you can't have your own interests.

Jackie - posted on 11/13/2009

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I myself failed sharing in kindergarden! So swinging is NOT an option in my marriage.



Now thats said; I'm not saying that I am not open minded. The concept makes sense to me for a marriage that is strong and secure. I don't really understand how a marriage could remain strong and secure after its all said and done. I myself would be wondering if my husband is stepping out without my knowledge.



I have only known one couple who swings and I have very strong opinions about it. I found this couple to me uses the term "Swinging" to give permission to cheating. As far as I am concerned they are only together because they share a child and they each are always looking outside the relationship for another relationship. Going as far as his wife hitting on my husband. Its not swinging its cheating.

Isobel - posted on 11/13/2009

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I can understand being drawn to it...I think that a lot of people out their love each other, and want to spend the rest of their lives together but just want something more from the sex life...to them I will have to quote Jenn and say "well, rock on with your bad self."

I considered it once, with my ex (he was always begging me) then backed out at the last moment...chicken shit. LOL

Charlie - posted on 11/13/2009

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went to a club once with an ex , it was ok i guess but i didnt really love that ex , hence the ex part LMAO .

I wouldn't and couldn't with Jamie i love him to much to share and i wouldnt want to share myself with anyone but him .

At the club i went to women were in control of everything it was the men being "exploited " , i dont think a serious marriage should need the extra pressure on it that comes with swinging .

Amie - posted on 11/13/2009

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OMG Sara. I'd like to hear her denial on the swinging then. One of my husband's friends went there just a few months ago. The things he told us, hell no, never in a million friggin years. I'm not kidding. He had pictures to back up his stories. Bleh.

As for swinging for ourselves. LMAO! Um no. We're perfectly happy and satisfied with each other. If we weren't why would we get married? I will never understand the mentality of swinging. Mostly because it's so not something my husband or I would ever do.

Sara - posted on 11/13/2009

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I think my sister and her husband secretly swing. I love my sister, but her husband is a f-ing bastard and I imagine it was all his idea. She won't admit it to me, but a couple of year's ago they went on vacation to Jamaica and stayed at a resort there called "Hedonism", which is a nudist/swingers private resort. You can't tell me they went there just for the scenery...

Traci - posted on 11/13/2009

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I think it's a bad idea if you are a married couple. I mean, if you need to sleep with other people, then why did you get married in the first place? However, I don't have as much disdain for couples who do that when they are childless as I do when people do have kids. If you have kids, that is nothing but selfish. You have no idea what an experience like that could do to your relationship, and to put your kids security on the line like that for a few hours of *whatever* can be described as nothing more than selfishness. Wait till the kids grow up and then go do your thang. lol

I know of some couples who do that...and one of the couples has children. Sad.

Erin - posted on 11/12/2009

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I just think it's a bad idea. I'm sure it can work for a select few couples, but chances are that it will only cause heartache and drama. No thanks. (Mind you I don't even have a HUSBAND so it's purely hypothetical for me atm :-P)

[deleted account]



Quoting Jenn:

' I promise to love, honor and cherish you and just fuck anyone you might want to see me with for as long as we both shall live"?
"I promise to let you bang any piece of tail you might find attractive"?





 



Ha ha Jenn!!! PERFECT!!!



I know I could not handle seeing my  hubby with someone else, and I honestly do not think I would WANT anyone else! I love him and no one else, so why would I want to have sex with someone I do not love the same way?



I think there CAN be healthy relationships that involve swinging, but it's just not for me. It's a decision that a couple makes together and BOTH have to be "on the boat" 100% for it to be healthy. IMO anyway...

Jocelyn - posted on 11/12/2009

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I don't have any strong feelings for or against it.
I believe that it CAN work, but it would take a very secure/open couple.
Given the right situation, I would try it, but hubby wouldn't try it, so we won't lol.
I think if you want to experience different partners in a marriage, you would have more luck trying a threesome. I can see the jealously level being higher in a swinging situation than in a threesome (or a foursome). In a "group" setting, there would be less chance for secrets between one part of the couple and the "other" person. IMO anyways :)

JL - posted on 11/12/2009

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I just don't have the time, the energy, or the mental fortitude. I have to gather enough energy after a long day with the kids to get in the mood to get it on with one partner. Jeez, not my thing, but if it is done in a healthy manner and both parties are in agreement meaning none our unsure then to each their own if that is what works for your relationship.



At this point in my life just a good nights sleep and no kids in the house would be enough to spice up my sex life..haha.

Jodi - posted on 11/12/2009

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Not something I could do either. I really don't see the point. There is far more point in spicing up your own sex life with your partner that trying to spice it up involving someone else.



I am in agreement that it couldn't be a healthy situation unless both the husband and wife were 100% ok with it. A small doubt or concern could be the beginnings of a marriage break down.

Lindsay - posted on 11/12/2009

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It's something I could never do. And though I tell myself to never say never, I highly doubt that this is something I would ever try.



Do I think someone could have a healthy realtionship/marriage that involves swinging? I'd say it's possible but that it's probably not the best thing for a relationship. Their was a thread on the welcome page and the woman was expressing a little bit of uneasiness about her situation. These couples must be totally honest with what they want and don't want out of it. I just see it erupt many issues of insecurities and trust. I think it could become a bad situation quickly.

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