telling ur friend....

Tah - posted on 03/21/2010 ( 28 moms have responded )

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her husband is having an affair, it seems like a no brainer right...but some women don't take it well from others..i told my best friend her boyfriend(my fiancee at the times cousin) was cheating on her, she called him, they had it out and broke up and she called me back and told me I was the reason she didn't have a man. So I, being hurt, informed her that if he was cheating, then she didn't have a man when she thought she did....it strained our relationship(among other things) and we are just talking again years later on facebook...

My now friend and fellow military wife thinks her husband is perfect, and to see them together u would think so, he does everything for her and the kids and she thinks she is the luckiest women in the world and when other friends come to us about their problems, she doesn't hesitate to tell them how her husband would never(i am very happy with my husband also but i don't rub it in when a friend needs a shoulder)..here is the problem, I know of at least 2 women he is having on-going affairs with. One of the women, also a nurse, of course knows of other women because when they have pillow talk, he confesses, a best friend when they were stationed in georgia, a young lady who baked him a cake for his b-day, which he took to this nurses house and she told me how good the cake was, i mean it's not like he could take it home right.

So my questions are

1. Do you tell a friend about her husbands indiscretionssssss?.....(yes..all the s's)

2. Do we as women even want to know?

3. What would your reaction be?

4. I see how she treats him and sometimes pity him for it, Don't take this the wrong way, he is wrong and there is no excuse, she is not the easiest person to talk to and treats him like a kid, allowance, embarrasing him in front of us at bar-b-ques and parties, so am i wrong if i say, I can see why he might feel he needs to do something to feel like he is in control of some part of his life?...no excusing his behavior.....but to see how good he is to her in front of everybody, i was in total shock....what would u do?

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Charlie - posted on 03/21/2010

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A real friend would tell , i know it would hurt but personally if i found out my partner was cheating and my best friend knew i would feel just as cheated by my friend not to mention the fact that a serial cheater also poses health risks to their partner and your best friend ones that can be life long .

[deleted account]

I don't know if you should tell or not but be prepared for her not to believe you and to probably never talk to you again.

Sharon - posted on 03/22/2010

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Unless you can prove it, say nothing. It will be your word against his.



Her behaviour - I can see why he is having an affair... he's spreading his wings and getting a little something of his own. I agree with you - he should have been an adult and handled this WAAAAAAAYYYYYYY differently. I can imagine several reasons why he doesn't just divorce her. Alimony, child support, single dad in the military, visitation issues, his lack of morality is grounds for discharge these days.... what a mess.



Say nothing...... There is no way he's having an affair with TWO women at least, maybe three? and she doesn't have a clue. She doesn't want to admit it or face it.

Amie - posted on 03/21/2010

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I've been on the other side of this. I was the one that was told, sort of.

My ex cheated, I knew of the one instance and that is why we broke up when I was pregnant. We tried to work it out but the week after our son was born he left, not because of the cheating, for a list of stupid reasons but whatever.

I come to find out months later that the person who I thought was one of my best friends KNEW and NEVER said anything. I was livid. I could not believe she would not tell me. No matter how much it would have hurt I expect my friends to be the ones to be able to stand in front of me and tell me the truth.

We had it out big time. Turns out her boyfriend had convinced her not to say anything because "it wasn't her business". I told her it was a bull shit excuse, if she loved me like she said she did my welfare should be her business.

Friends are the people who you should be able to trust implicitly, who will be there to stand behind you, the ones to tell you the truth when no one else will, who will get over it and say thank you and I love you at the end no matter how bad the blow up.

I'd tell her.

Jess - posted on 03/21/2010

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If you don't want to put your friendship on the line, perhaps send her an unsigned letter. It leaves the ball in her court with no pressure to react or act immediatly.

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28 Comments

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Stifler's - posted on 09/08/2010

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I've been in this situation before. She didn't have kids with her boyfriend but he was still cheating and we all waited until there was heaps of evidence and we couldn't be mistaken and guess what... she still hated everyone for telling her. She also ran back to him and he lied about it and they were still together and we were no longer friends and couldn't be there for her when she eventually found out and believed it. We are friends again but we missed out on 3 years of friendship, if I could go back I'd never tell her and deny that I ever knew anything about it. Also, if she's emasculating him in front of people it probably is the reason he is cheating, to feel like a man again.

C. - posted on 09/08/2010

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Oh my..



First question.. Not sure.. There could be either good and bad that comes out of it, or both, if you choose to tell her.



Second question.. I think that a part of us would always want to know. Even if we don't think we do now, deep down if we were in that situation, I think the vast majority of us would definitely want to know.



Third.. Well, let's see.. I would be hurt that my husband was supposedly doing whatever behind my back, but grateful that I had a friend who was willing to tell me so that we could get down to the bottom of things and try to work things out or go our separate ways (husband and wife, not the friends).



Fourth.. A) Personally, I feel that if a husband is doing all these nice things for his wife and kids, the wife should show MUCH more appreciation than to embarrass him in front of people- friends or strangers. The allowance thing is a little much.. Ok, too much. Yes married people should have a set budget so they know what they can or cannot spend on unnecessary items, but come on!



B) You're not excusing his behavior. What he is doing is wrong- plain and simple. And yes, that is a very good possible reason as to why he is doing what he's doing.



Here's the thing.. Women cannot expect to keep their husbands truly happy if they treat them like they are a little kid. That's just a fact. Men don't want to feel like they are back at mommy's house with all these rules and can only spend such and such b/c the wife (mommy #2) has TOTAL control of their finances.



Married life means sharing everything. Finances, responsibilities, your deepest darkest secrets, etc. If you don't do that and you're keeping secrets or taking care of all the finances by yourself.. There's going to be a problem at some point in time. You need to share the workload of everything. Treat them like a child, they're going to act like one (like running around on the wife, getting a secret bank account so they don't have an 'allowance', lying, etc.) Treat them like a man and they're more likely going to ACT like a man.

Sharon - posted on 03/23/2010

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The woman who mocks, belittles, puts down, keeps on a leash, threatens her husband, gives him an allowance will "go to pieces" after finding out about an affair?



I doubt it.

Tah - posted on 03/23/2010

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im leaning towards not saying anything..but let me just say this...Being a military spouse is hard work, you worry if he's coming home and when, when he's leaving home and how long...how the children will handle everything and you have to handle everything while he is gone including keeping him motivated and focused, if he is deployed or not.....I truly believe the last thing we should have to worry about on top of everything else is who he is screwing..give me a frikking break....any military wife on here will agree, i mean there are 2 many "deployment wives" as it is to have to be worried about if he is screwing the neighbors best friend(hint hint) to boot..i may not say anything but i just feel it's a crap situation and it is the reason i have one chapter left to write in my book for military spouses..though it will be open to anyone who wants to read it..lol...but thanks ladies...

[deleted account]

Just the fact that ur struggling with this decision so much makes me think you should hold off telling her.....



I think it's gonna turn ur world upside down and cause some unecessary drama! JUST MY OPINION THOUGH, good luck!

Tah - posted on 03/23/2010

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i can't really get in touch with him because he was just stationed in another state..when he did visit it was for about 3 days and i missed him between work and school...i know what she tells the other friends(or told before they stopped talking to her)...about what they needed to do with their cheating husbands, i never tell a wife to leave when she confides in me..I tell her not to be a door mat....but im not gonna tell u to leave cause ya can't come over here, when she would talk to them she would go on and on about how he knows better and she would take everything but he would never..so if she knows, then she needed to get her award after sandra because she is one good actress......her daughter(who sleeps with married servicemen), told her that when she leaves for training he goes out at night, not all night, but goes out none the less, she said well he has friends and he always tells me if he's going for a drink with the guys and i trust him.



As far as proof i don't have pictures but it's true...i dont know, i just feel darned if i do or don't..she will be mad if i tell and mad if she finds out and then finds out i knew since we both know the chick...i have been keeping it to myself long enough, but i was talking to her and just fighting with it in my head, so i posted it here, i think my bad experience from before is why i have been dragging my feet, i am pretty sure i would want to know, i doubt i would shoot, stab and stomp the messenger, but i would be mad if se said i have known for some months, and i am just coming forward a si am taking my meds for the itchy burnie crawlies....I pride myself on being a good friend, i keep secrets, try to encourage and not judge and i expect only the same, which is why i can count them on one hand(my true friends)...and i just want to be that, she is who she is, and she knows how I feel about the way she is sometimes, but, and she may come off hard at times, but i know this would devastate her because to hear her talk you would think she was married to a saint..my husband is great to me and sometimes i keep it to myself because i have friends that aren't happy with theirs..but she tells the world everyday..so it may literally send her to pieces..

[deleted account]

Not saying I would do this but what about goin to the husband and telling him either you tell her or I'm gonna?



What about confronting him and talking to him about it and at the very least letting him know that you know and it's driving you nuts? Maybe he'll man up? Maybe he'll shed some insight about the situation?!!

[deleted account]

I wouldn't say anything! Unfortunately, like you I've had a bad experience telling a good friend something very similar and it blew up in my face! My friend confronted her boyfriend and they obviously had a HUGE fight which ended in..........hugs and kisses and probably make up sex! Ewww.......she believed him when he lied and told her he wasn't cheating and to this day they both hate me for different reasons! I just want to add that I ABSOLUTELY know for sure he was cheating!



" Do we as women want to know? ".........that depends on the woman! In my friends case she initially thanked me and told me how wonderful a friend I was but turned around and believed him in the end! She wanted to know BUT she really DID NOT want to know!



" What would my reaction be? ".......I can't say! I would like to think I would wanna know but it's hard to accuse someone of something without hard evidence and it would probably depend on who it's coming from?!!



Good luck! It's a tough choice!

Sharon - posted on 03/22/2010

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I just read the replies and your follow ups - SAY NOTHING.



He's a decent guy trying hard and this is his ONLY relief? GEEZE. Now, when she fucks up, I'd tell him and help him get the evidence to sack her good in court.

Carolee - posted on 03/22/2010

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I, personally, would want to know. My husband knows that the first time he cheats on me is the LAST time (and vice versa). That was our first rule we set up as a couple. Unfortunately, not a lot of other women would REALLY want to know. It sucks and it hurts to be cheated on, but I think I may have been "calloused" by it happening too many times to me. I would also want to tell my friend(s). I would most likely bring up the subject while talking in general, then decide whether or not she would see it as "okay" for me to tell her or not. Thankfully, I've not been in that situation yet. Sorry that happened.

Esther - posted on 03/22/2010

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I'm with Sara. I would stay out of it. Maybe if it was my super close bestest friend all the way back to kindergarten I would consider it (I don't have any such friend) but short of that, I would stay out of their relationship.

Sara - posted on 03/22/2010

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I'm sorry, but I decided long ago that I don't get involved in other people's relationships, no matter what, especially when it comes to something like this. I would listen to my friend about problems, but I would never say "Your husband's cheating on you" because honestly, that ain't nobody's business and it could end your friendship. So, no way, Jose.

Lindsay - posted on 03/22/2010

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If she's really a friend, tell her. Of course she probably won't take it well but honestly, who would? Honesty is the best way. I mean seriously knowing about this and keeping it bottled up inside, the guilt alone would eat me up. Maybe she treats him like shit....it doesn't give him a free card to cheat. It gives him the option to deal with it or to get out of the situation. Cheating makes him the ultimate coward and not much of a man.

Tah - posted on 03/22/2010

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@Morgan, i am absolutely NOT the mistress as I am married and happy as a lamb...also I have to much respect for myself and the marriage vows, also it's just her personality. Have you ever met someone good heart, but think they are entitled to say whatever they want to whomever they want. She doesn't do it with me, because I let her know as much and 2 of our friends actually stopped talking to her because of her attitude...so nope..sorry...don't know how it sounds like it's me...she lives across the street i can see her house from my carport and we do things very big, bbqs...b-day parties, she is my daughter's girl scout troop leader and a fellow military wife, so we were all around each other pretty much all the time...so i and our other friends are pretty much up front and center for the tongue lashing..she tried to talk to my husband like a child when he was trying to light my daughter's candles on her cake at her bowling party, but before i could let her know, he was already doing it...so it's just how she is..and she would prob try it with you..trust me..

Lisamarie - posted on 03/22/2010

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IMO an affair is different from cheating on someone once. A one time mistake by my husband, I could probably forgive but a full blown affair that lasted months, NO WAY! That takes planning and a lot of lying and sneakiness! I personally would want to be told, after finding out your partner had cheated on you, you wouldn't want to feel like everyone has been talking behind your back and whispering about your situation.

I don't think the anon. letter is a good idea, if this friend is in denial I doubt she'll pay any attention to it, thinking someone is just trying to mess with her? You should probably expect some backlash from your friend if you told her, when we are hurt we get angry and when we are angry some innocent people get caught in the crossfire and being the one to open the can of worms its bound to be you. I'd tread very carefully and keep trying to assess the situation while your working out how to tell her. Try and figure out if she does know about the affairs or are they having any other problems to find the best way to break the news. Good luck! :)

Sarah - posted on 03/22/2010

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I remember one of my best friends ringing to me that my boyfriend was cheating on me.
I had a bit of a go at her (from what i can remember) and ended up slamming the phone down. I went of and cried and got it all out of my system, rang her back and apologised.
She totally understood. I think a lot of people's first instinct is to shoot the messenger.

I think i would HAVE to tell my close friends if i found out their significant others were cheating. I think in the long run, my friends would be more pissed off with for keeping quiet than for telling them.

If i wasn't that close to the person, it kinda changes for me. I'm not sure whether i would tell or not. I would probably wimp out and get someone who was closer to them to tell them instead.

Lady - posted on 03/22/2010

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I haven't read all the responses so I don't know if this has already been said but do you think maybe she already knows and that's why she treats him the way she does. and maybe he knows she knows so that's why he puts up with it.
My husbands brother is having an affair at the moment - in fact he is almost living a double life. The whole family knows and one of the sisters has even had him and his mistress round to dinner. My husband and I and an other one of the sisters is absolutley disgusted by his behaviour and by the reaction of the rest of the family toward him - we feel he needs to be a man and do the right thing- either end the affair or leave his wife but he is claiming he is staying for his son who is about to sit exams. Anyway everyone says that my SIL doesn't know about the affair but we think she does, somethings she has said and done make us think she knows but is just unwilling to confront her husban right now. I think you may be surprised at what is going on in your friends house - if you think there is deffinatley no chance of her knowing then maybe concider the annon letter but don't be surprised if nothing changes some people are willing to put up with a lot.

[deleted account]

Whether you tell your friend or not your in the doghouse from my experiences. To be honest if it was me being cheated on i'd rather not know but im probably in the minority on that because i know if he did cheat on me i wouldnt end the relationship anyway.

Tah - posted on 03/21/2010

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o i don't do the "this happened to Molly"..I told her that everyone isn't her soldier(she is reserves and one rank higher than him)...I told her that if she didn't pipe down there was a real chance that he could be getting things from somewhere else that he doesn't get from her..like sex...(we talked one day and she and the other wives were in shock when I said that i had never in 5 years told my husband no, if ur tired, take a red bull and roll over) she only knows that word. she had 3 children prior to the marriage and he feels like a visitor in his own home because the oldest has moved back in with her boyfriend and 2 kids as well as the other 3 children(they have one together) and they disrespect him as well, He is was the only one working until a couple weeks ago when the boyfriend got a job at 7-11, so he supports all 9 of them, he is now stationed in a new state and she is still here, contolling his money and him. I know him and i acyually think he is a cool dude and to be honest, i feel bad for him..no excuses for his behavior..but i can understand it..I told her to stop embarrassing him in front of everybody and she said "o it's not like that when we get in the house"..if this is how you treat him in public, hate to be a fly on the wall when ya'll are alone..so she is aware that this was a possibility...

So I thought about talking to him but he just left but still keeps in contact via phone and email with the mistress and when he visited he saw her also.it's crazy and getting a little out of hand..."O the reason, because she threatens him all the time that if he leaves she will take him to the cleaners and ruin his military career which is easy to do if you are a vindictive wife, he has been in 17 years and doesn't want to lose it all. We have heard her tell it to him " Go ahead and leave, but i bet you'll only keep the shirt on your back when i'm down and you'll be out here looking for a new job"...and he also admitted to the mistress that he has worked to hard for his career to lose it so he rather just keep his mouth shut and go with the flow. no doubt he loves her, but their are other things involved...

Tah - posted on 03/21/2010

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@Loureen, i know, and i have seen enough women come through the clinic i worked at with std's from their lying cheating partners...i am leaning towards telling her, i know if my bestie ever knew, i would want her to tell me, i would be devastated because we are so close and doen't really have any issues, but i don't want to be in the dark and ten wind up with the itchy burnie crawlies and a broken heart...i'll take the latter..by itself...

Tah - posted on 03/21/2010

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I am sorry that happened to you, i wonder if she is still with that tool(watching tool academy..lol)...even if she stays..i mean some things can be worked out..but i think it should be her decision with all information available to her so she can make an informed decision...I don't know....i am debating...

Rosie - posted on 03/21/2010

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i would say something, and i've even had a bad experience with this in the past. my best friend (yes my BEST friend) had a very serious boyfriend when we were 19. i think they had been together for 2-3 years, and we had all worked together so i knew him well. we were at a party and stacy (my friend) was not there, but jason was (her man). he was completely tanked and we were in a tiny trailer. the hallway was tiny, and one of the owners bedroom was even tinier. the only thing in the room was his bed-it took up the whole room. anyhoo, i bumped into jason in the hallway, and said sorry and he tried to laugh it off, and say he thought of a way i could make it up to him. he proceeded to push me into the bedroom, onto the bed and tried to makeout with me. it freaked me out, and i managed to get him off of me, and ran out and told our friends-who were also jasons cousins. anywhoo, i told stacey she didn't believe me (jason denied it of course), said some nasty things to me and about me, and we havn't spoken to each other since. that was 12 years ago.

i know alot of women will be in denial, but i still don't care-i'd still tell them, i would want to know. i wouldn't freak out on my friend, i'd make sure her story was valid, but i wouldn't freak out on her or anything. definnitely tell her, and if she is half the friend you are-she'll accept the truth and be glad you told her so she can get rid or her no good man.

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