The Dilemma-Would You Tell?

Tracy - posted on 01/21/2013

I have two sides to this: being the one who didn't know her SO was out doing crap AND being put in the situation of knowing someone else was cheating on a friend.

When it was my own situation, I was so in love and had no idea of his actions. Come to find out, *I* was the other woman and didn't know it!! I was eight months pregnant and ENGAGED when I found out he was already married!! He had told me he was divorced and even showed me divorce papers he had drawn up (I had no idea to look on the back page for SIGNATURES). Anyway, when the truth came out, many of my "friends" said they knew all along and just figured I knew too. I was horrified that *this* is what they thought of me! They had also seen him out with other women as well. Do I wish they had told me - hell yeah! I became a single mother who had to worry about the risk of STDs that I was exposed to for a decade! I had to explain my ex's past to my future husband and hope that he wouldn't be scared away by the risk of diseases by being with me. I'm saddened to see so many people here respond that they wouldn't tell their friend. Now if you tell her and she STAYS, then that is her choice and she shouldn't be judged by it. But let her make an informed decision!

Now, when it comes to finding out my friend's wife was cheating on him... I saw with my own eyes that it was occurring (they disappeared around the dark corner of the apartment complex at nearly midnight and appeared a half hour later). When I asked her moments later, she only denied it for a few minutes before admitting to it. I told her that she had three days to tell her husband or else I would tell him. It was better it come from her than from me. The next day she told him. I think they tried to figure things out, but in the end she wanted the other guy and not her husband. They divorced a while later. Years later I ran into him and, completely out of the blue, he thanked me for making her tell him.

There are many people who have said that they wouldn't tell. Would the same number of people also agree that they wouldn't want to know that their loved one was cheating? If not, why the discrepancy?

Gloria - posted on 01/20/2013

Please tell ! My husband works out of town a lot. And since he got this job,he's different. He stays on the Internet all the time . And if I ask who he's talking to he threatens to leave. He gets phone calls all night. Sometimes the calls are from computers 3 numbers. You know what that means. Can't call back. Then I find hair on his clothes with a lint brush. Not mine cause its blond and long. He gave me crabs this summer. What do you ladies think is he cheating after 28 years of marriage or am I crazy

Natasha - posted on 01/01/2011

I know I would tell. I have a rule with my friends, I will not lie to them, and won't lie for them. It's that simple. I have told friends things in the past that they did not want to hear, and some have reacted poorly to it. Yes, I will admit that when I told my bestie that I thought getting engaged to her jackass boyfriend was a HUGE mistake I could have been a bit more tackful, but I was only telling her what everyone else was thinking. And no, that's not just what I thought, we had all discussed him and no one liked him. That situation ended badly, and we didn't speak for over 6 years, but when we first saw each other again after that time, totally by accident, we picked things up like it had never happened. Turns out I was the only person "brave enough" (her words, not mine) to giv her my honest opinion, and if more people were willing to do so, she would have reconsidered things.
For an example that actually deals with cheating, I was cheated on by my bf in the backseat of my besties car, and she told me about it right away. It hurt like hell, and I was bitterly mad for days, not at her but at the jackass that felt he could cheat on me infront of two of my friends and get away with it. I was extremely proud that they both told me, and was even happier that they did so when they did as I was thinking of giving him my V card, and found out later on that the girl he cheated with had an STI. That would have been a horrible first time. If they had known about the cheating and not told me, I would have killed both of them.

Mother - posted on 12/31/2010

I'm with Becky....one would need concrete proof. Imagine if you were wrong....*yikes*

Becky - posted on 12/31/2010

If I knew it for a fact, then yes, I would tell my best friend or sister. I probably wouldn't get involved if it was someone I wasn't that close to. I would want to be told, if my friend had proof. If it was just suspicion or rumors, then no, I wouldn't want to be told.

Tracey - posted on 12/31/2010

Teresa, I told her I knew after they split up and hubby left her for the other woman. It was a very short affair about a month from the start til he left her so I told her what I honestly believed at the time that he would have a short fling and go back to his wife. I didn't want to tell her if there was a chance their marriage could be saved. The husband knew that I knew and he asked me to keep quiet as he would deal with the situation. They were both equally good friends, I wish I didn't know, I felt the best thing I could do was to stay out of it and let them sort it out themselves.
My friend blamed her husband, not me, for being kept in the dark.

Teresa - posted on 12/31/2010

Tracey, does your friend know that you knew and didn't tell her? Just curious.

Mother - posted on 12/31/2010

I would sing like a canary.

Liz - posted on 12/31/2010

If I saw my best friends husband cheating I would give him a chance to tell. But once his time was up you better believe I would tell her in a heart beat.

Tracey - posted on 12/31/2010

I've been in this position, I didn't tell my friend as she would have found a way to blame me, I just waited to be a shoulder to cry on when she found out.

Shauna - posted on 12/31/2010

ALI-you bring a good point. A coworker of mine had that happen! her husband was over seas in military cheated with a women while over seas and gave her an std when he came back!!!!!!!

Petra - posted on 12/31/2010

Actually, I was told by a friend that my boyfriend was cheating on me - it was so long ago that I completely forgot about it (I was 14). My friend was far closer to my boyfriend than he was with me, but he bluntly told me that my bf's snowboarding trip (which he was on at the time) had yet to involve any snowboarding. I knew my bf's history and reputation, I knew my friend wasn't a dick with any ulterior motives, and I didn't have my head up my ass when it came to romantic illusions about young men and getting laid - I took my friend's info at face value, immediately dumped my bf and no friendships were ruined. Dude probably saved me STD exposure and a lot of wasted time, for which I'm eternally grateful.

Tara - posted on 12/31/2010

to add,
I would give the cheating party the chance to come clean first, in the case of my best friend, her husband is also a friend, but he comes second. I would let him know I know, I would let him know that his wife has a right to know, and if he still chose not to tell, I would tell her, and let her know about my offer to him to come clean.
But keeping that from a friend wouldn't be good, I would lose respect for a friend who let me live a lie and watch as my life turned into a shit storm where I was the last one to know about it.

Jenn - posted on 12/31/2010

I had a friend who cheated and while she continued to try to lie about it (her lies were so sad and pathetic and kept changing), I told her that I knew and that her husband had a right to know what was going on. I told her in an email and she was stupid enough to leave her email opened - well who do you think read the email? Yep - her husband. So the cat was out of the bag. We are no longer friends but not because of that - simply because I could no longer take her constant lies and bullshit and the way she treated her kids. Her husband is now much better off without her psycho ass.

Petra - posted on 12/31/2010

Yup I would - anything fishy involving the partner of a close friend gets relayed. I care about my friends and in the interests of protecting them, I will spill the beans. I have in the past and no, it did not blow up in my face because the friend in question took my info for what it was: genuine concern. If your friend has a spazz because you bring something negative to light, let them live in their little delusion. If my partner were cheating or even toeing that line, I would absolutely be grateful to any friend who gave me the heads' up.

Tara - posted on 12/31/2010

If it were a close friend, I would tell. Only because I would hate to know that she was being played as the fool. It would be hard to do, and I wouldn't do it without proof of some kind.
But if it were someone who I didn't know that well or didn't really want to know well, I would let it ride and wouldn't tell her I knew even after the fact.
But I would be pissed if my SO was cheating and my bf knew and let me live a lie, thinking all was well, all the awhile my SO was playing me as the fool...that would piss me off as much as the cheating.

Desiree - posted on 12/31/2010

From past experience, this one time I would run in the other direction. It has a tendancy to blow up in your face either way.
I found out my Brother was having an affair the husband of the othe woman told me. I thought he had gone insane firstly my brother was "happily married" and his first child had just been born. I approached the other woman and she blatendly lied. beside how could they be having an affair. I was in the office all the time there was always someone around. So I left it until 2 weeks later when I got the call after the Husband had caught them both red handed. My entire family turned against me in that moment because they all decided that I interfer to much and yet I had nothing to do with it in the first place, I got the call from the husband right after he called my brothers wife. So if I ever find out again I don't care who it is I am running I never told the wife but today still a year later you could swear that I was at fault because I never saw it in the first place, Well considering that I had my own problems in life at the time where was I supposed to find the time to watch him as well, My relationship with my brother hasn't been great since and I feel he is a lying Hippocrate who tells the world he and his wife have never had a problem in their 4 year marraige.Yip and it doesn't Snow in Alaska either. I was there and told him I would support any choice he made and that he could always rely on me his big sis ter only to be kicked in .the teeth by him, his wife and everyone else in my own family. No thank you never again!!
It doesn't matter whether you tell them or not the chances are you are going to be on the receiving end anyway.

Kaleigh - posted on 12/31/2010

Having been the person being cheated on I know from personal experience always tell! All my friends knew and didn't bother to tell me except one. I am still friends with the one that told me and have ditched the rest, I hate dishonest people. If you stand by and watch your friend be hurt without saying anything you're almost as bad. The worst part of the whole thing for me was the embarrassment and hurt of knowing that my so-called friends all knew before me and were happy to keep it to themselves. Quick temporary pain would have been preferrable instead I dealt with the pain of knowing I could not trust my friends to be there for me when I really needed them. My friends also know that for them I will spare them the salt in the wound and be the "bitch" that ripped of the bandaid. It's out of love not malice and they all know that I'm an honest person, I don't keep secrets. I also inform my friends though that (and this is for the couples who I'm friends with both parties) I will not keep it a secret if they cheat. I don't care who I've known longer, or how they want to justify it, I will not stand by and watch them deliberatly hurt someone that way. If a friend of mine cheats on their significant other and I'm not friends with the victem, it's not my place to tell the other person but you will never see me drop someone so fast. I just don't associate with dishonest people...no exceptions. I hope I didn't offend anyone I just feel strongly about this kind of thing and I'm just speaking for myself :)

Erin - posted on 12/30/2010

If it was a super close friend, and I had absolute proof of the betrayal, then I would suck it up and tell. But I wouldn't like it. I hate the idea of getting caught in the mess of someone else's relationship. If it was only a rumour or a suspicion, I would keep my mouth shut.

Johnny - posted on 12/30/2010

Yes, if it was a good friend and my information was without question, I would tell. I would do it in the most loving manner possible and I would not share the information with anyone else, to preserve her privacy. If it cost me the friendship, that would be sad, but I would not be able to look myself in the mirror carrying the cheater's lie. I think that is a terrible betrayal of a friend.

One of my friends once told me that she suspected that my boyfriend was cheating on me with one of her co-workers. She was kind and she made it clear that she was not certain. He was not. It turned out that they had known each other for years and she was actually unexpectedly pregnant and he was helping her deal with it. I knew about it, he'd already told me, but I could not betray his friend's confidence to my friend to explain the situation. It was a bit uncomfortable to deal with, but we managed to resolve the situation. And I deeply appreciated that she cared enough about me to try to protect me from being hurt. I am actually still friendly with the ex, my friend and his friend too. In fact, I eventually set up his friend with a buddy of my current husband and they are now married and raising her kid together. These are the days of our lives....

Rebecca - posted on 12/30/2010

I would not want to be told. I might confront the partner and ask. However, you never know about the intimate arrangements people have, you parents, your best friends-you don't know what agreements are made between the sheets.

Ooo - posted on 12/30/2010

They have a right to know. If my best friend caught an STD from a cheating spouse I would feel guilty for not preventing it.

Tiffany - posted on 12/30/2010

I most definitely would tell if I knew for a fact that they were cheating. IMO, as a friend it is my duty. What if he is not using protection? What if he gives her a sexually transmitted disease, aids? What if there are children involved? I would sit her down and tell her straight out that I have something to tell her that she is not going to like, but that she needs to know. What she did with the information would be up to her. If my partner was cheating and I found out that my friend knew and didn't tell me, we wouldn't be friends any more.

Shauna - posted on 12/30/2010

yeah i would tell.

Charlie - posted on 12/30/2010

My friends and I have discussed it that is how I know what I would do :D

Lady Heather - posted on 12/30/2010

If it was a good friend, I'd be pissed if they didn't share that info with me, so of course I'd share it with them.

Seeing as opinions vary widely on this, perhaps we should all be discussing these scenarios with our friends so we'd know what they want. Ha. To you it is a selfish act, to me it is a considerate one.

Charlie - posted on 12/30/2010

There is also a chance that if he is sleeping around they could contract and pass on disease , would people also risk their friends health ?

Bonnie - posted on 12/30/2010

I would tell. Yeah I may lose a friendship for being honest, but I am also thinking about the fact that what if the truth came out and the friend found out some how that I knew about? I am pretty sure the friend would think strongly about ending the friendship anyway. It's a risk in my opinion.

Charlie - posted on 12/30/2010

A best friend ? yes I would I consider them sisters , as close as family and I am completley loyal to my close freinds , I would expect them to be open and honest with me as I would them I know we would no longer be friends if they found out I knew and kept it a secret , how much can you trust a freind who won't have your back and worse hide important things from you ?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/30/2010

I would not do the rumor thing...I think that is more harmful...to make your friend think that if the significant other is cheating, that everyone is talking about it and gossiping to everyone...but her/him.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/30/2010

Exactly Teresa, you are not a friend of mine if you cannot tell me the truth. Help me deal with the most difficult thing, and be strong by telling me..and risk losing our friendship. I would be mad at the cheater, not the messenger. Sorry to you Kate...she obviously needed a scape goat to get angry all over.

Teresa - posted on 12/30/2010

I'd talk to the person doing the cheating and give them a chance (thinking about 48 hours...) to come clean. Otherwise, I'd tell. My best friend may end up hating me, but they have a right to know the truth and I wouldn't expect anything less from anyone that wants to call themselves my friend. If I ever found out a friend KNEW and didn't tell me.... they would no longer be my friend. I expect (and so far have always received) the truth from my friends no matter how much it hurts.

Kate CP - posted on 12/30/2010

Jocelyn: I might do it that way. But never again will I just tell a person. That did NOT go the way it was supposed to. I'm still sore about it.

Sara - posted on 12/30/2010

I wouldn't, it's not my business. Chances our it would ruin your friendship no matter if you were right or not. I would, and have, confronted the person who cheated, but I just don't think I could bring myself to be the one to let the cat out of the bag.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/30/2010

I am also the type of person to confront the one that is cheating (after taking a picture with my phone for proof), and give them the chance to fess up.

Jocelyn - posted on 12/30/2010

If it was a very very close friend, then yes I would say something. Maybe not directly, but certainly plant a seed of knowledge (Like "I've been hearing some rumors going around...")

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/30/2010

Ok, well...if you can lose a friendship over telling them, what do you think will happen when they find out on their own....THEN find out that their "friend" already knew?

Yes, I would tell. As lovingly, and kind as possible. I think it is more selfish to keep it a secret to preserve a friendship. They may never find out, and he/she could be sleeping all over town exposing the significant other to all sorts of diseases.

Kate CP - posted on 12/30/2010

I had a friend ask me once to tell her if I thought her boyfriend was being manipulative or controlling (she had a previous boyfriend who was like that and was afraid she'd fall into another controlling relationship). So, when I saw signs of it again (like him telling her she couldn't go out on a Friday night or that she was getting too fat) I told her. And she didn't speak to me for 5 years.

No, I wouldn't say a damn thing. Most women don't want to know when they're in a shitty situation.

Nikki - posted on 12/30/2010

What Krista said :)

Krista - posted on 12/30/2010

If it was a really close friend, someone with whom I had a lot of trust, then I would tell her. If the positions were reversed, I would want my friend to tell me, and if I somehow found out later that she knew but DIDN'T tell me, I'd feel very betrayed.

Sherri - posted on 12/30/2010

Yes I would certainly tell. It is my place when it is someone I care about.