To let your child cry/scream/yell or to put a stop to it...your opinions please!

Amanda - posted on 11/12/2010 ( 25 moms have responded )

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Hey I'm 24 and have 4 children ages 7,4, almost 3, and almost 2. I also do inhome daycare. I myself allow my children to express their anger, or frustration while yelling, crying or screaming as long as it's necessary. I don't live in a house where kids are constantly yelling, but I'm trying to prove that if you're upset, you can cry. If you're angry you can yell, but aim your anger at a stuffed animal and if yelling doesn't work than try talking. My fiance hates it when my children yell or cry. But I don't want to tell them to stop or yell at them back because I don't want them to feel like they can't express their frustrations. What do you think about this or am I in the total wrong for feeling like this. Please any advice or opinions!!!

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Sharon - posted on 11/12/2010

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1. I don't let my kids take out their anger on stuffed animals - the representation of a living thing any more than I let them strangle baby dolls. thats nasty.

2. SCREAMING is an inappropriate way to express yourself and it won't get my attention except to smack your ass for over reacting.

You want to express yourself? Fine. Go do it in the privacy of your room. Punch pillows, yell, talk, mutter, cry whatever but do NOT subject me to your frustrations until you can communicate it.

Its different for toddlers and of course babies. But from 4 on up, you'd better not scream a fit, I'll bust your ass.

[deleted account]

Crying is normal, but I think it's important that children learn that screaming and shouting is inappropriate in most situations.

[deleted account]

I can sort of understand what you're trying to accomplish, Amanda, and I agree to an extent. Children need to be allowed to express themselves BUT, like adults, they need to learn HOW to express themselves properly. Screaming, yelling and being intentionally disruptive is NOT appropriate for school-aged chidren. You can't always prevent tantrums but you need to teach them what appropriate behaviour is and sometimes that means there has to be consequences for screaming etc.

Join us in PBS -- perhaps we can offer you some helpful suggestions. http://www.circleofmoms.com/positive-beh...

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Stifler's - posted on 11/12/2010

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That's what I meant Tah, we have to teach them how to live and not correcting bad behaviour when they are a kid is giving them license to do it their whole life.

Tah - posted on 11/12/2010

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i don't think children are mini adults..i think they are children..but i think we are teaching them how to develop and behave in preparation for adulthood and we would not want them to think it is acceptable to act that way. The behavior they have at home is more often than not carried out into other places and into adulthood.

Stifler's - posted on 11/12/2010

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I don't think your opinion is "wrong" I just don't agree. Tantrums and breaking things is unacceptable behaviour as an adult and children are mini adults, we have to teach them how to live. I don't think ignoring the tantrums works to stop them either.

Tah - posted on 11/12/2010

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geez Amanda it was a joke..my goodness take things too seriously much.....but i stand by everything i said....

Amanda - posted on 11/12/2010

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I guess I did get a little offended but after hearing views from everyone else I agree that maybe I'm not wrong for doing what I do and I DO agree that there does need to be a limit where it's unacceptable. thanks for the advice!!! :)

Jessica - posted on 11/12/2010

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I'm not sure where I stand on this exactly. My automatic response is that I agree with you Amanda. I think its important to realize that children do have intense emotions at times and to be respectful of that, and let them express themselves. Sometimes you really do just need to scream and let it out. I have a hard time with the idea that kids just need to shut up just because the parent says so and doesn't want to deal with it. Growing up I was very sensitive and had felt extreme emotions, especially anger, but was only ever punished for expressing it (even when my means of expressing it wasn't "respectful") and I think it sends the wrong message entirely to totally shut a kid down when they are like that.

At the same time though I do think that as a parent one needs to make sure to help teach them "appropriate" ways to express themselves, especially when they are older. Using words, verbalizing feelings (that can be harder than you think). So that they AREN'T the 12 year old in the store throwing a tantrum (not saying that about your kids OP, just as an example!).

Sharon - posted on 11/12/2010

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Maybe you didn't phrase or frame the question the best way.

I do agree that children should express their feelings. In an appropriate way.

My husband on the other will flat out tell our kids "you can't get mad." um yes he can and he is mad, he just yell at your, be disrespectful, throw things, etc. But he is mad and is entitled to be mad.

Eliz - posted on 11/12/2010

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Everyone deals with their children's emotions differently and I think as long as nothing bad happens it's really just up to you. When my son decides to throw a fit (usually slumps into a ball and screams/cries) I set him on a carpeted area so he is safe and tell him to go ahead and throw a fit cuz he won't get what he wants. Though there are times when children get out of hand with the fits and screaming and it needs to come to an end. If it only happens now and again I say let them have it out as long as they aren't taking their anger out on anyone else. If it becomes a habit for them then it needs to be taken care of.

Rosie - posted on 11/12/2010

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depends on the situation, and how old they are. my 10 year old screams at me and it will not be acceptable. they can talk to me, and tell me they are upset, but screaming is not allowed.
younger kids, like my 3 year old, yes i will allow him to cry in his room if he is mad or upset about something. i will tell him i will talk to him about it when he can calm down.

Nikkole - posted on 11/12/2010

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Well who ever the mom is i would just advise them to let them express them selfs but to a certain extent!

[deleted account]

No one is offended except you, Amanda - at least that's not how I've taken it. You've asked for advice or opinions and unfortunately you'll get all kinds.

Amanda - posted on 11/12/2010

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People assuming my children are the ones in the store throwing fits and me ignoring it because I'm used to it. That's not what I was trying to say. My children behave rather well at the store and hardly ever throw fits, so to assume I'm the mom with the screaming children is far fetched because I do allow them to vent...that's all. Not trying to offend anyone I was just asking for advice.

Sharon - posted on 11/12/2010

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I let my kids express themselves. Their feelings are THEIR feelings. But screaming is an inappropriate way to show their feelings.

But I have a great yard and they often go outside and scream just because they can. Because they're kids and because sometimes they think its cool. They've also nearly given me heart failure with the nature of those screams - but it was all in play, done in the appropriate place and not because they were angry.

There is nothing positive at killing something in effigy while in a rage.

Jenn - posted on 11/12/2010

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Yeah, I think it's one thing to let kids express their feelings - and is something that SHOULD be promoted more often, especially for boys - it IS OK to cry and feel what you feel. But, you need to teach them to deal with their emotions. Is it OK for you to yell at them when they are angry? If not, then why is it OK for them to yell when they are angry?

Amanda - posted on 11/12/2010

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I don't allow them to scream just to scream or yell just to yell. I have them do it in a different room. It's not that I "allow" them to have fits in public or to scream and yell and hit things. My 2 oldest DON'T hit things. I excuse them to their room. They can yell into their pillows if they're that upseet. My youngest screams when she gets angry and I'll ask her to use her words and when that doesn't help I send her to timeout. I let them cry, and when they do yell at someone I ask them why they're yelling and why that person or thing has disrespected them. I'm not saying that my children scream to scream, I let them express themselves and was asking for advice, not criticism...but thanks to those being positive! :)

Minnie - posted on 11/12/2010

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I believe that we own and are allowed to express our emotions. I try to empathize with my children and try to understand why they are having big feelings. My goal is to instill empathy and compassion in them for others and also to give them tools with which to deal with their own big emotions. I try to be proactive in noticing what sets my very intense four and a half year old off and when she does have those big feelings we can work together to help her deal with them. Yelling back, telling a child to stop or punishing displays of emotion do a child no service whatsoever.

Chrystal - posted on 11/12/2010

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I can see your side to this, but in my opinion, if it were my kids and they were truly upset about something I would let them cry it out, If they were just screaming just to scream, than that is not acceptable and I would put a stop to it. And if they are angry about something, I would not let them scream b/c that's teaching him/her that's it's ok to yell if you are angry. I want to try to teach them that if you are angry at something to talk calmly about something, not go off like a ticking time bomb. But if they are truly upset about something or if they get hurt then by all means yes let them cry it out.

Nikkole - posted on 11/12/2010

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Yea i agree with Sharon Grey! What happens one day when there at school and gets really mad at someone and starts screaming at a kid or teacher and gets in trouble what are you going to tell them? It drives me nuts when my son screams when hes mad or yells i wont deal with him until he calms down i tell him go to your room or the corner till you are calm enough to talk to me and i walk away! Teaching them to do this will probably make it worse the older they get!

Bonnie - posted on 11/12/2010

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My husband more often than not can't stand the screaming, yelling, throwing fits in general, especially after a long day at work. I can to a point, but by the time their bedtime is near, their rooms are looking a lot better to me after being with them all day. They can stay in their rooms until they feel better.

Tah - posted on 11/12/2010

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You are not allowed to hit anything in here out of anger. You are not allowed to scream like a wild animal when you are upset. When will it end. They need to learn how to use their words if they are angry, and if they can't at that time, they need to excuse themselves, If any on my children yelled and threw a fit because they were angry..let's just say, they wouldn't do it again. There are other things in their lives that are gonna make them upset and as they get older may think they can yell at people who aren't you(which they shouldn't be yelling at).or hit things or people and it would be what they were used to, so how could you then tell them it's wrong when it's all they know..



They need a space, maybe their room or a time out corner to go to when they are upset, a quiet place. Was it you we saw the other day with the kids giving a screaming fit in the middle of the store while you continued to shop because you were used to it..lol?...



Your fiancee is correct and i assume the last thing he wants to hear after a hard day at work is screaming kids killing their stuffed animals...geez...

[deleted account]

Crying is acceptable. Yelling, screaming, throwing a fit is not. Not to say it doesn't HAPPEN sometimes. Especially w/ a toddler boy and two preteen girls.... but it is not acceptable behavior. If you're too upset to TALK about the problem.... take a break and calm down first.

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